FAKING NEWS

Faking News moves to a new host

2009-08-17T00:48:00.001+05:30

We have finally decided to give Faking News a more professional look and feel (at least that is what we think we are doing) and hence this blog would be shifted to a different server.

The original blog (where you are reading this post) and news reports will still be available at http://newsflush.blogspot.com

Faking News might be temporarily unavailable at http://www.fakingnews.com for sometime due to this migration and limited technological skills of Pagal Patrakar.

But we hope everything would be alright soon.

See you in a new get up!

SRK was detained at US airport due to stammering

2009-08-16T11:36:00.004+05:30

New York, USA. Following the uproar in India over Bollywood superstar Shahrukh Khan being held up for around two hours at an airport, the American security officials have finally issued a statement denying any racial or religious profiling being the reason behind the incident. But officials have confirmed that the Indian actor was detained because he indeed was perceived to be a threat to the domestic security, because of his famous stammering.

“When Mr. Khan was asked his name, he told – My name is K K K… Before he could complete his sentence, the junior security official detained him for being a suspect supporter of the banned organization. Later on we watched various interviews and movies by Mr. Khan and concluded that he stammers at the ‘K’ letter, so we let him go. Watching all those movies and interviews could have taken much more time as Indians talk a lot and make quite lengthy movies, but to our credit, we finished the business within two hours.” a security official told.

The homeland security department categorically denied any religious profiling in the incident as they argued that Shahrukh didn’t appear Muslim to them.

“His name surely is pathetic, but he doesn’t wear that tube wrapped turban. He also has no beard without moustache and he doesn’t stink like a goat. No copy of that holy book was found in his luggage and he didn’t ask for a permission to say prayers while being detained. He surely doesn’t look Muslim to us. We don’t profile anybody on religious grounds.” the security official explained.

The department also denied any racial profiling though they agreed that Shahrukh did appear Asian to them and he needed to work on his skin color and accent.

“Yes, he indeed appears very much Indian – a show off and whining boy like most of you. But we do such stuff to celebrities of all origins. I hope you know that one of our junior officials detained the legendary singer and musician Bob Dylan and asked for his identity proof. It happened the same day when we were watching those pathetic movies of your stammering Khan. We like being close and personal with celebrities, no profiling or bias here.” the security official further explained.

Back home, Indian I&B minister Ambika Soni has rejected all these claims and explanations of the US security officials and has reiterated her proposed policy of ‘tit for tat’. A government circular issued at all international airports in India has asked the security officials to strip search all American VIPs, especially actors and actresses. The circular has been issued with joint collaboration of the tourism and culture ministry under the “Incredible India” campaign.

Railways denies putting up photos of Lalu Yadav in toilets

2009-08-11T13:56:00.004+05:30

New Delhi. The issue of putting up photos of ex-railway minister Mr. Lalu Yadav in train toilets is turning into a political potboiler. The incident was first brought to light by a Faking News reader traveling from Kolkata to New Delhi in Rajdhani Express, who clicked the photographs from his mobile phone. The photographs showed stickers in train toilets urging passengers to not be a ‘lalu’ and keep the toilets clean.

Such disdainful disrespect shown to a national leader has given rise to allegations and counter allegations by leaders. Parliament proceedings were disrupted several times by RJD members today who demanded an apology from the current railway minister Mamta Banerjee. The members accused Mamtadi of indulging in ‘loo level’ politics and threatened to uproot railway tracks and toilet seats if the minister didn’t apologize.

But Mamtadi has termed such allegations as ‘rubbish’ and denied that the stickers were officially put up by the Railways. She suspected CPM workers to be behind the act, an allegation vehemently denied by the communist party.

“Mamta Banerjee is fully capable of stooping so low. There is nothing new in it. In the past, she had supported Maoists and blamed it on CPM. This is just another act carried out by her for which she is blaming us out of her habit.” CPM leader Prakash Karat alleged.

The whole controversy was later given an interesting twist by Bihar Chief Minister Nitish Kumar, who claimed that the stickers were pasted by Lalu Yadav supporters themselves. Nitish Kumar advised CPM and Mamta Banerjee not to fight over the issue.

“Laluji is desperate to be in news. RJD workers have been wondering why the media and society was not discussing them even after they suffered such a heavy electoral defeat. The media spent most of their time discussing the downfall of BJP but no words were mentioned for RJD. This had upset Laluji and his supporters, who have done this to be back in news.” Nitish Kumar postulated.

Expectedly RJD has criticized the Bihar CM for making such comments. The party has now decided to postpone their railway track and toilet seat uprooting campaign and have decided to start a public urinating drive in Bihar to oppose Nitish Kumar’s statement.

“Our workers will piss at all public places in Bihar and won’t use flush afterwards to register protest. We will start our protest by mass urinating at CM’s residence tomorrow at 3 PM. All of you are welcome to witness the event.” an RJD leader informed.

First man to have given a bribe in independent India dies

2009-08-09T21:01:00.004+05:30

Gorakhpur. Jawahar Tiwari, the first man who had given out a bribe to a government official in independent India, died after prolonged illness today morning. He was 92 years old and was bedridden with malarial fever for over three months. Jawahar had shot to fame last year when an investigation by an NGO claimed that he was the first person in independent India who was involved in a bribery case, although unregistered and undocumented, as a bribe giver.

“My father had paid the bribe rather reluctantly and after a lot of self rationalization. Initially he had it as a burden on his conscious but later on as he saw the Indian society evolve, he felt proud and used to flaunt his bribe giving stories to everyone, including that NGO which later on published it in their report.” Raju, the eldest among the five children of Jawahar Tiwari who could survive beyond the age of 12, told Faking News.

The story goes back to 1952 when Jawahar Tiwari worked as a ‘malaria officer’ in one of the tribal areas of Jharkhand (then a part of Bihar) entrusted with the task of inoculating people and sanitizing the area against threats of malaria. He was running late on schedule and one of the districts was yet to be visited by him. Jawahar wondered how he would meet his goal as well as the deadline on his job.

“That district always had people dying in summer due to heat strokes and there were hardly any basic amenities available. People didn’t even have water, let alone roads or electricity. My father knew that there was no chance a mosquito could grow or survive in such terrible conditions. Locals could die of any reason but malaria. Therefore he decided to skip that district.” Raju recounted the story.

But Jawahar Tiwari needed to show the district as ‘covered’ by him in the government records, hence he approached the local District Magistrate with his predicament. The DM asked for a bribe in lieu of handing out a fake certificate that his district was covered by Mr. Tiwari. After a lot of introspection Mr. Tiwari agreed to bribe the DM, creating the first ‘successful’ bribery case in independent India as per an NGO.

“We couldn’t track back any older identifiable case of bribery in independent India. Jawaharji shared most of the details but refused to name the district or share the whereabouts of the DM as apparently that guy went on to become a very powerful and respected person in society. Maybe he feared some counterattack.” Maanav Mehta, the coordinator of the NGO that carried out the investigations told Faking News.

Jawahar Tiwari had concealed this incident from most people, including his family members for many years. But when he heard his grandson claiming proudly how he and his friends got admission in a medical college after paying a bribe of 5 lakh rupees each, he wondered if bribery was an ‘in-thing’ and socially acceptable norm in modern times. Convinced, he started sharing his story with everyone.

“We are proud of our father. Very few people had the foresight and guts to carry out such things in those times. He couldn’t take bribe due to some strange feeling of guilt all his life or we would have been really a happy and prosperous family today.” Raju told.

Man diagnosed with Swine Flu refuses to be quarantined

2009-08-07T18:05:00.004+05:30

New Delhi. Sweety Singh, a man diagnosed with Swine Flu has refused to be quarantined, claiming that if he was kept in the same room with other patients, he could be ‘corrupted’ and might contact a severe case of the disease. Sweety was diagnosed with a possible case of Swine Flu on July 31st when a Nashik based businessman allegedly injected H1N1 virus into him by force.

“My son is being framed. He is healthy and fit. Anyone can say that just by looking at him. Why should he be treated like an untouchable and kept separate from the society? Because we are dalits?” Sweety’s father Juta Singh told media persons as his son filed an application in the hospital to be exempted from being quarantined.

Juta Singh is the head of a commission set up by the government to check spread of Swine Flu in the country. His son Sweety was earlier accused of taking bribe from a Nashik based businessman for spreading the disease. The businessman dealt in selling medicines for the treatment of Swine Flu and spread of the disease would have helped his business. Sweety allegedly took the bribe but didn’t work efficiently, which angered the businessman who forcibly injected the H1N1 virus into him.

Sweety Singh is now suffering from Swine Flu and doctors of the hospital believe that he has all the symptoms of the disease and if he was allowed to roam freely, he could influence others and spread the flu into other parts of the country. Following refusal by the doctors, Sweety and Juta Singh have now decided to move to court.

“These guys are jealous of us and there is a political conspiracy being hatched. Hardened criminals are allowed to roam and mingle in the society, then why should I be quarantined just because I have flu?” Sweety wondered and expressed confidence that he’d get relief from the court.

Reports last coming in confirmed that Sweety was indeed allowed by the court to be exempted from being quarantined.

Private Air Hostesses tie Rakhi to passengers to collect funds

2009-08-05T15:37:00.007+05:30

Mumbai. Male passengers traveling by private airlines in India got the shock of their life today when they were tied rakhi on their wrists by beautiful air hostesses in sexy costumes. Such incidents were reported on all the domestic routes where private airlines operated, cutting across air carriers owned by different corporate groups. Today is Raksha Bandhan festival and private airlines used this innovative method to protest against lack of funds.

“It was so shocking. I was sitting in the front row and was happy that I will be able to see the beautiful chick closely all through my journey. I got so excited when that sexy lady came close to me and bowed down to offer me sweets. Then to my horror, she took out a rakhi and tied it on my wrist and asked for money as a return gift. I was shell shocked to react and took out my wallet like a zombie and handed out 5000 rupees.” Manish, a passenger flying from Delhi to Mumbai told.

All the male passengers had similar experiences to share and they demanded an explanation from the private airlines. When contacted by Faking News, the top management of all the major private air carriers conceded that the air hostesses were following directives issued by the companies. They justified their conduct by claiming it to be a democratic and decent method of protest.

“When we announced a general strike, a huge hue and cry was raised by the government and media. Under public pressure we had to call off the strike, but that doesn’t mean our grievances have been sorted out. The problems remain there and we continue to bleed. We had to find a mean to protest and we thought that asking for money after tying rakhi would send across the message strongly that the sector badly needs public funds.” Vijay Mallya, owner of Kingfisher Airlines told Faking News.

The airlines refused to divulge how much funds were collected through the rakhi tying drive. Sector experts believe that the drive, whenever it ends, could indeed amass funds that could prove very helpful to the industry, but the experts cautioned against a possible public backlash.

“One of the main reasons why a typical Indian male doesn’t travel by Indian Airlines is because their air hostesses appear aunties to them. This rakhi tying drive could turn the private airlines hostesses into behenjis for such males and it could impinge their decision to travel again by the same carrier. So while this drive may have sent across the bailout message loud and clear for now, it could prove detrimental in the long run.” Hawaijeet, an airlines analyst opined.

Officials in the Civil Aviation ministry too expressed surprise over the decision of the private airlines but they ruled out any punitive actions against the private carriers as prima facie the decision appeared legal to them. But the private airlines might face some serious trouble from the Income Tax department.

“We have to see under what category such earnings would fall. These earnings can’t be recognized as charity or donations as they surely were not voluntary. The airlines should have handed out receipts to the passengers who gave out rakhi money to the air hostesses. There are many more aspects that need to be investigated and we would soon start the inquiry.” an Income Tax official told Faking News.

Indian terror camps in Balochistan messed up in corruption

2009-08-04T12:55:00.005+05:30

Quetta, Pakistan. In a shocking discovery, Faking News has learnt that India is running absolutely pathetic terror camps in Balochistan province of Pakistan. The management of these camps is highly bureaucratic and operations are hopeless, ironically this is one of the reasons why Pakistan has not been able to prove anything till now. But according to our investigation, New Delhi has spent billions of Indian rupees over last seven years on these camps, but of no use.

Our investigations started after Pakistan allegedly handed over a mysterious dossier containing proofs of Indian involvement in running terror camps in Balochistan a couple of weeks back. Our undercover reporter faked being a porn CD supplier and reached interior areas of Balochistan to find out the truth, and the truth was shocking to say the least.

The terror camps in these areas were started by the Indian government seven years back but now they almost wear a deserted look. Our reporter found out that there were no basic amenities available at these camps and the terror trainers lacked any skills whatsoever.

“Those trainers seemed petty thieves and pickpockets from India, who had no knowledge on how to wage a guerilla warfare or stage mass murders. They tried to teach us operating hand-grenades and AK-47 rifles after reading shoddy teaching notes. Worst, we never got any hand-grenades or AK-47s to test our practical skills.” Abdul Balochi, an aspiring terrorist told us.

In course of our investigation, we found out, to our shock and disbelief, that RAW had billed millions of rupees to central government towards professional fees paid to these trainers, who were shown on paper as hardcore terrorists caught in Jammu & Kashmir. Central government was also billed a huge amount for arms and ammunitions supposedly given to the aspiring terrorists in Balochistan.

“That’s bullshit! Once we were told that hand-grenades had arrived. We ran out in excitement to open the boxes, only to find out that the boxes contained pomegranates. Later on we were told that it was due to a clerical error and won’t be repeated. When we asked if we could eat the pomegranates, we were asked to write applications in English, Hindi, Urdu, Balochi and Punjabi to seek permission. Neither hand-grenades nor pomegranates ever arrived after that.” Abdul shared his frustration.

These terror camps were supposed to pay a monthly stipend of 30,000 Indian rupees to all aspiring terrorists, and the government exchequer had thinned over past few years owing to this provision, but the ground reality, again, was far from what was shown on papers. Only a few of the trainees got the stipend, and that too of 3000 rupees. In fact, bungling was reported even in those 3000 rupees.

“Many times I was given fake Indian currencies. I could very well recognize them as my elder brother works in the Pakistani press where Indian fake currencies are printed. One of the 500 rupees note that I received had ‘I love you Abdul’ written on it. It was actually written by my girlfriend before we shipped the fake currencies to India. Apparently Indians write such slogans on currencies and we were told that such stuff would make the fake ones appear genuine to the Indian eyes.” Abdul spilled more beans.

Our investigations threw up many such startling facts that made Indian terror camps a hopeless case. The trainees of such camps were not skilled enough to even snatch wallets from Pakistani armymen, let alone liberate Balochistan. To the horror of locals, very soon coordinators of such shoddy terror camps started asking for bribes to induct new trainees. Such glaring incompetence and corruption levels saddened the locals, who slowly shifted their loyalties to Taliban, who were better in running such camps.

Currently the terror camps started by India are in dilapidated state and locals use it as a shade for their livestock. But the central government is still billed millions of rupees for the upkeep and operations of these camps. When we tried to contact RAW and government officials for their reactions over our findings, we were threatened to put behind bars for compromising with national security.

Man diagnosed with English speaking obsession beaten up

2009-08-03T13:07:00.006+05:30

Patna. Nirad Pandey, a 39 year old father of three, who was recently diagnosed with an obsessive compulsive English speaking disorder (OCESD), suffered multiple injuries after he was thrashed black and blue by some miscreants near railway station. Nirad was reportedly arguing in English with the miscreants after they had passed some comments on him in Hindi. The argument got heated up after a while and finally ended up with nine fractured bones of Nirad in his limbs.

“They had called me kameena (rascal) and it riled me up. Those ugly mofos were sounding even fucking uglier as they spoke in Hindi with a fucking Bihari accent. How do you expect me to take some shit like this? I told those bloody bastards to mind their language or I’d have fucked their happiness by shoving pig sticks in their asses. Frustrated with my English speaking abilities, the wankers beat me up.” Nirad recounted his experience with the 'foul mouthed Hindi speaking gundas'.

Doctors of ‘rajkiya swasthya mandir’, the hospital where Nirad has been admitted by his family members, have declared him out of danger but advised a one week bed rest for him. Doctors fear that this incident could worsen the OCESD condition in Nirad.

As a school student, Nirad had won a three-day trip to England after winning a 'spoon with egg' race organized by a tour and travel company some twenty five years back. After returning from England, Nirad apparently developed a liking for speaking English in British accent with everyone. Slowly this liking grew into an obsessive compulsive disorder and Nirad refused to speak in Hindi with anyone.

Relatives say that the turning point in his condition was the incident where Nirad could score 66% more marks in his pre-board re-exams just because he answered all the questions in English in his second attempt. Nirad had confided to his family members that his new answers were nothing but mere a literal translation of his earlier answers in Hindi.

“This incident had a deep impact on Nirad and he refused to speak or write in Hindi after that. He even started talking to our maid in English. He used to have regular tiffs with people over speaking in English, especially his British accent. When he used to play cricket with friends, all the batsmen used to hard hit on his bowling as if they were hitting him in his face for his English, but such behavior only made him more resolute.” Nirad’s younger brother Niraj told Faking News.

Nirad had banned use of Hindi in his home and regularly used to beat up his kids for speaking in Hindi. This is the first time he has been beaten up for speaking in English.

“This won’t change anything. Hindi speaking fucktards lack confidence and they are plain jealous of people like us. They should raise their standards for god’s sake instead of trying to bring us down. This is so fucking disgusting and it can happen only in India.” Nirad expressed his frustration and appealed to Hindi speakers to gain some knowledge and culture.

Outrage over Prime Minister’s beer party with Emraan Hashmi

2009-08-01T19:02:00.004+05:30

New Delhi. The decision of Prime Minister Manmohan Singh to arrange a beer party with Bollywood actor Emraan Hashmi and members of the housing society that allegedly refused Emraan a house for being a Muslim, has run into troubled waters. Although the decision was touted as a great step towards fostering communal harmony in the society, the same is now turning into a slugfest for religious beliefs.

Manmohan Singh’s original plan was to invite Emraan, members of the housing society, Mumbai Police officials, and a few religious leaders like Baba Ramdev from Hindu and Muslim sects over a beer party to discuss issues like religious discrimination of minorities. Prime Minister’s Office had claimed that Emraan would happily end up buying a house in the same society and all the religious leaders would jointly issue a statement appealing peaceful cohabitation of all Indians.

Prime Minister’s decision faced its first criticism when some Muslim groups objected to the presence of liquor based beverages in a party attended by as pious a Muslim as Emraan. These groups issued a fatwa that Emraan and other religious leaders would be boycotted by the Muslim society if they attended a party espousing consumption of liquor.

Before Emraan and others could react, Hindu groups retaliated with threats of mass agitation if Prime Minister succumbed to the unrealistic demands of Muslims. These groups lamented the culture of Muslim appeasement in India and insisted that not only liquor, pork should also have been a part of the menu of the beer party.

Although Baba Ramdev didn’t agree with such Hindu groups, he agreed that serving beer was a bad idea. Baba thought that beer made a person queer which had given rise to homosexuality in India. He instead suggested a joint yoga session of Emraan and the housing society members to ward off the differences. Sources inform that Baba Ramdev might throw his own party.

If these religious protests were not enough, liquor baron Vijay Mallya also joined the chorus and lambasted the PMO for having approached the Australian beer company Fosters for serving beer at the proposed party. Mallya accused the government of being insensitive towards domestic industries and declared that he would plan for a ‘beer black out’ on 18th August when all private airlines including his Kingfisher Airlines would go on a strike seeking a government bailout.

Following these reactions, PMO is in a fix over what to do with the proposed beer party. Emraan Hashmi too has gone into hiding and sources close to him say that he has dropped his plans to buy any house for the time being. Police arrested some Hindu and Muslim activists outside his house planning some kinds of protests. Fearing a public backlash, Prime Minister has appealed for communal harmony and suspended his beer party indefinitely.

No obscenity, striptease at Sourav’s followed Ganguly’s heroics

2009-07-31T12:07:00.004+05:30

Kolkata. Managers of Sourav’s, the restaurant owned by former Indian cricket team captain Sourav Ganguly, have rejected the claims of a local television channel that the restaurant hosted exotic dancers and was engaged in flesh trade. Sourav’s had come under scanner after a Bengali television channel carried out a sting operation showing blurry visuals of dancers, who were apparently taking off their clothes in a vulgar manner while negotiating with ‘customers’.

“This is absurd and there clearly is a conspiracy behind it. We do have dancers performing at our restaurant during weekends. But they don’t indulge in striptease or pole dancing. They just take off their shirts like dada had done at Lord’s. We want our customers to never forget dada’s heroics and golden moments. How can it be deemed as obscene when the whole world had watched it several times?” restaurant manager wondered.

Ganguly’s supporters also think that the sting operation was carried out to malign their dada. They have demanded a CBI enquiry into the whole episode.

“The TV channel is being funded by foreigners. Either Buchanan or Chappell is behind this. These guys are just plain jealous and terrified with dada’s magic. Put them in jail!” a dada supporter demanded.

Sourav Ganguly couldn’t be contacted for comments. BCCI declined to comment saying that since the incident didn’t happen on any of the BCCI owned restaurants, their hands were clean. When contacted by Faking News, Shahrukh Khan denied that the incident could negatively impact Sourav Ganguly’s chances to play for his IPL team next year but he expressed interest in hiring the restaurant dancers as cheerleaders for the next season of IPL.

Government launches mid-day snooze scheme for public offices

2009-07-30T15:22:00.005+05:30

New Delhi. Encouraged by the reported success of mid-day meal scheme in schools towards improving education among underprivileged students, government has decided to implement mid-day snooze scheme in public offices that is aimed at improving productivity among underperforming public servants. The scheme will officially empower public servants with a right to sleep in their offices for at least one hour each day.

Although the practice of taking a mid-day snooze in offices has been rampant for various years now, the government believes that legalizing the slumber in offices will improve the morale and dignity of its employees, apart from productivity. If the results of the scheme are found favorable, the scheme would be turned into a law enabling every employee, either in public or private sector, to rightfully sleep during office hours.

“We had been facing a lot of complaints about public servants sleeping in offices. Our officials confessed that work made them comatose, which left us only with two options – either to let them not work or to let them sleep. We chose the first solution and instructed our officials to ignore work, but there was huge public hue and cry over it, so now we are left with no other option.” a labor ministry communiqué said.

The ministry also believes that the hitherto sleeping in the public offices filled the government employees with a sense of guilt, for sleeping was not officially sanctioned, but with the mid-day snooze scheme coming into effect, the officials will no longer feel guilty and thus it would do wonders to their morale and self-respect. But not many agree with this logic.

“This is bullshit! These guys have always slept as if it was their birthright to do so. Where was the guilt? I surely couldn’t sense any. In fact we were made to feel guilty because we disturbed their sleep! I don’t think this scheme makes any sense, but yeah, maybe they should enforce this in the private sector as employers there don’t allow us poor employees to sleep even during the night.” Vijay Faryal, a sales executive working with a shampoo company opined.

Faryal was joined by many other citizens who also thought that government decision was ‘misplaced’. Some sociologists too criticized the government for entertaining and yielding to basic instincts of common citizens for encouraging activities like professional work and education.

“Mid-day meal scheme itself was flawed. Schools became appealing to the stomach instead of one’s brains. Now we have mid-day snooze scheme for employees. What next? Mid-night sex scheme to improve adult education?” British Kandy, a popular sociologist wondered.

Anil Ambani removes brother Mukesh from facebook friends list

2009-07-29T13:05:00.004+05:30

Mumbai. In a shocking development that could push the Sensex down by 213 points and push oil prices up by 2.13 rupees per liter, ADAG Chairman Anil Ambani removed his elder brother and Chief of RIL Mukesh Ambani from his facebook friends list. This act of showing public displeasure with his brother comes close after Anil had accused Mukesh of indulging in ‘dishonorable conduct’ during the annual general meeting of RNRL yesterday.

A press release issued by ADAG for this purpose claimed that Anil was mighty ‘pissed off’ with the facebook activities of Mukesh during the past few weeks. Mukesh had apparently voted down Anil in the ‘nicest person contest’ and ignored his requests to become a fan of ADAG pages. The release also claimed that Mukesh had tagged Anil as an unidentified ‘waiter’ in pictures showing Mukesh and Petroleum Minister Murli Deora having dinner together in a restaurant.

“Honorable Mr. Anil Ambani was very disappointed by such activities and he got shock of his life when Mukesh invited him to play Mafia Wars and Monopoly on facebook. Our group is a law respecting organization and such proposals were clearly a repulsive dig at our ethical standards. Following this, Honorable Mr. Anil Ambani decided to remove Mukesh from his friends list.” the press release elaborated.

Sources at ADAG further informed that removal from friends list was just a warning and if Mukesh did not mend his ways, Anil could as well remove him from orkut list and stop following him on twitter. Sources did not rule out the possibility of Anil removing Murli Deora from his list as well.

The spat between the brothers has worried market watches who feel that the development could seriously impinge India’s assumed recovery from the economic slowdown. Experts are divided over the culpability of either of the brothers on the issue but want the government to intervene and broker peace between them.

Sources in the government refused to comment on the issue because of the subject being sub-judice, but Petroleum Minister did react by writing “best of luck” on the facebook wall of Anil Ambani. Anil had not replied to the comment till reports last came in.

Reality show winner wants government to respect privacy

2009-07-28T12:28:00.004+05:30

Mumbai. Harishchandra Sachbola, the man who shot to fame by becoming the first person to win one crore rupees in the reality show “Sach Ka Saamna”, believes that government must not snoop into the private lives of the citizens of India under the pretext of matters of national concern and security. Sachbola was addressing media persons after having won the reality show.

“It’s absolutely disgusting to see government agencies tapping your phones or reading your mails in the name of national security and legal inquiry. Why are they so interested in my personal life? How does it matter to the nation what kind of relationships I have with my friends and relatives? The state can’t be allowed to do such things and I urge all progressive persons to unite against this state sponsored voyeurism.” Sachbola appealed.

Harishchandra Sachbola, who works as a marketing manager in an MNC in Delhi, claimed that he had always suspected government intentions and had taken part in various online campaigns to protect individual privacy. Sachbola gave out URLs of thirteen of his blogs which he thought media persons would be interested in reporting about. Some of the blogs had sensational stories of Sachbola’s past affairs apart from his views on human, animal and gay rights.

Earlier Harishchandra Sachbola ‘correctly’ answered all the twenty one questions related to his private, social and professional life to win the reality show. In course of answering the questions, he accepted that his son sucked like a leech and that he covetously wished he had slept with the hot wife of his best friend. He also thought that his dad took premature retirement to free ride on his money.

Sachbola’s family members, who were present during the reality show and cried at regular intervals, expressed happiness over his victory. They thought that Sachbola was an obsessive compulsive truth speaker and seeker, and his sentiments should be respected by everyone. Sachbola himself agreed that he liked speaking the 'truth'.

“I enjoyed answering all questions. I’m an independent man and I don’t care what the society thinks about me. At least I have the guts to speak the truth that other people simply avoid. They didn’t ask else I wanted to tell the truth about Brahmins and Muslims. Man, they suck!” Sachbola expressed the desire to speak more truths.

He also declared that he would use the prize money to help treat people who were pathological liars and didn’t tell their wives about the porn-stars they fantasized while having sex with them. He appealed to the television channel broadcasting the show to help him find a partner hospital that could sponsor his therapeutic campaign for the betterment of the society.

MPs express concern over pigeons making love in public

2009-07-25T16:30:00.004+05:30

New Delhi. Parliament proceedings were disrupted for more than three hours after some members accused the government of not doing enough to control shameless pigeons making love in public places at various places in India. These members suggested that such immoral and irresponsible behavior by the pigeons caused embarrassment to the Indian families and had the potential to defile the minds of young children. Members wanted a law to rein in the offensive birds by regulating their aberrant activities.

“I can’t understand what good these obnoxious birds do to humankind? They eat food grains and poop everywhere, even on our heads. These crooks simply don’t care how their actions can affect us. Can you even imagine how disgusting it is when your three year old kid points to love-making pigeons and asks you what are those birds doing? Is this the way we want our kids to grow and learn?” Kaboot Aryan, a member of parliament argued angrily.

Mr. Aryan further argued that tolerance towards such behavior by pigeons has sent wrong signals abroad about accepted social norms in the Indian culture. He claimed that Hollywood star Richard Gere must had seen pigeons kissing each other openly and would have thought pubic kissing to be acceptable in India, following which he went on to kiss Indian actress Shilpa Shetty in a pigeon style.

“Thank god he just saw the pigeons, or god knows what would have happened!” Mr. Aryan lamented, drawing ‘shame shame’ calls from other members of parliament.

Following the pandemonium, the government assured the members that it will look into the matter seriously and find out ways to discipline the pigeons and educate them about Indian culture. In all probabilities, resident groups of pigeons could be sent show-cause notices by the government, along with a statutory warning.

While the decision of the government has come under sharp criticism from some pro-pigeon groups in media, many people welcomed the decision of the government terming it as a ‘relief’.

“I have been sick of these ubiquitous and iniquitous birds. They had once pooped into my cheese pizza and I couldn’t even distinguish that shit from cheese. My friends made life hell for me after that, I’m still the laughing stock of my college. These birds have no sense or sensibility, they deserve to be punished.” said a college student, though he couldn’t recall having been distracted or disgusted by love making of pigeons.

Most of the people welcoming the government decision had problems with pigeon poops, even though a majority of them thought that pigeon mating was ‘cool’. But they agreed that young Indian children could have adverse impacts on their emotions if they saw pigeons mating in public.

“They make eggs, what else?” said three year old Aryan when Faking News correspondent asked if he knew what pigeons did by climbing over each other.

Some Orissa MLA could be an Ichchhadhaari Naag

2009-07-24T00:37:00.004+05:30

Bhubaneswar. Various people have expressed concerns and fears over the possibility of a certain Orissa MLA being an Ichchhadhaari Naag (self transforming snake). Such concerns were raised after a snake was spotted by a few people inside the state assembly on Thursday morning. A massive search operation followed to catch the snake but the assembly staff could not even spot the elusive snake again. This gave rise to speculations that the snake was actually some MLA who had the will power of transforming shapes.

“How can a snake simply vanish in the assembly? We all know that after attack on the parliament, all places visited by politicians were made absolutely safe and secure. It simply can’t happen that the security could be breached by a lowly snake. It must have been the work of an insider and the only logical conclusion is that some member of the house is actually a snake!” an assembly staff told on conditions of anonymity.

The possibility of a self transforming snake sharing the benches with them has left the Orissa MLAs worried and upset. The members have asked the Speaker to call an emergency meeting with mandatory attendance of all members, where a snake-charmer would inspect all the MLAs for being a snake. The snake-charmer would blow his been (a flute like instrument with a bulging belly) causing the self transforming snake MLA to involuntarily start dancing to his tunes, thus getting spotted.

But some members have objected to the idea of MLAs being given the certificate of being a human by a snake-charmer. These members believe that such a step violated the privileges enjoyed by the distinguished representatives of the citizens of India.

“It’s an exercise in futility. Even if some MLA is a snake, how does it matter? No MLA or MP can be disqualified or arrested for being a snake! First of all let there be a law in this country barring poisonous beings from entering state assemblies or the parliament. In absence of such a law, even if any MLA is identified as snake, what purpose will it serve?” Nagnath, an independent MLA opined.

But not many people are yet ready to believe the self transforming snake theory. These people refuse to believe that an MLA could have such a strong will power to self transform his or her bodily shapes. Instead they believe that the snake was actually an “aasteen ka saanp” and must have sneaked into the sleeves of some MLA.

Rakhi Sawant marries wrong guy due to solar eclipse

2009-07-22T17:05:00.008+05:30

Udaipur. The shooting for final episode of “Rakhi Ka Swayamvar” took a bizarre turn when Rakhi Sawant put the garland around the wrong guy’s neck, apparently due to poor visibility arising out of solar eclipse. The ‘wrong’ guy has been identified as Jebu Kataria, a popular pickpocket of Udaipur city, who had gone to the shooting spot, allegedly to pick pockets of unsuspecting bystanders. Jebu is now insisting that Rakhi was his legal bride and he’d do everything to ‘reclaim’ her.

The final episode was designed to have three surviving suitors standing next to each other while Rakhi headed enigmatically towards them to garland and choose one of them as her life partner, thus bringing an end to the reality show. Things unfolded just according to the script, until the solar eclipse played the spoilsport. It is still unclear how Jebu suddenly appeared at the scene during the eclipse only to end up being garlanded and becoming ‘the chosen one’ of Rakhi.

“He is a chor (thief)! When he saw darkness due to the eclipse, he tried to pick the pocket of Elesh (one of the suitors who is a businessman from Canada). I couldn’t see his face in darkness and garlanded him by mistake. I’m not going to marry that ugly chor at all! Rakhi Sawant deserves nothing less than a handsome hearty and honest King.” Rakhi fumed and alleged that Jebu had gone to the shooting spot to pick pockets.

But Jebu Kataria begs to differ. He categorically denied that he had any intentions of picking pockets when he sneaked into the shooting space. He says he was ‘divinely guided’ into his deeds.

“As soon as the Sun God got behind the Moon God, I could feel a strange force urging me to go near Rakhi. In that darkness, I could see Rakhi’s face glowing like neon signs. A divine message encrypted in those signs read that I and Rakhi were made for each other. I felt my feet moving by themselves towards Rakhi and I’m sure that it was God who guided Rakhi’s hands to put the garland around my neck. Rakhi is meant to be mine.” Jebu claimed.

Interestingly all the surviving suitors have declined to comment over the development. According to well placed sources, no one of the three is insisting that Rakhi should get another chance to pick her husband amongst them. All of them were busy packing their bags to go back and didn’t talk to media. One of the shooting crew members told Faking News that the suitors had refused to take part in any re-shoot as they believed that the show had reached its logical conclusion.

Legal experts have expressed differing opinions over the legality and validity of the marriage of Rakhi Sawant with Jebu Kataria. While some of the experts believed that Rakhi was not bound to marry Jebu just because he was garlanded, there were other who believed that the marriage was just and legal as per Hindu marriage act and Rakhi will have to accept Jebu as her husband.

Meanwhile residents of Udaipur were pleased at the possibility of Jebu getting married to Rakhi.

“Good riddance!” told one of the residents excitedly, though he denied explaining whether he meant it for Jebu or Rakhi.

Mayawati launches MAREGA to counter Congress’ NREGA

2009-07-17T14:53:00.005+05:30

Lucknow. Kumari Mayawati, Chief Minister of Uttar Pradesh, has taken strong objection to the State Congress chief Rita Bahuguna Joshi’s comments over the amount of compensation given out to rape victims in the state. Ms. Joshi had declared that the compensation amount was not consistent with provisions of NREGA (National Rape Ex-gratia Gauging Act). NREGA aims to value dignity of rural women in case of rape and Ms. Joshi was one of the central policymakers who drafted the act.

Ms. Joshi, an obvious expert on NREGA, also valued the dignity of Mayawati at 1 crore Rupees using the intrinsic formula suggested in the Act. Angered by Joshi’s comments and under valuation of her dignity, Mayawati has now announced MAREGA (Mayawati Approved Rita’s Educational Grooming Act) to counter use of NREGA by Congress leaders for petty political gains. MAREGA is targeted against Congress leaders in general and Rita Bahuguna Joshi in particular.

Immediately after the announcement of MAREGA, Rita Bahuguna Joshi was arrested under the provisions of the act and sent to jail. Her house was also burnt down and valuables looted. Government officials expressed confidence that these acts would help Ms. Joshi realize her mistake. And it indeed seemed to work as later both Ms. Joshi and Congress President Sonia Gandhi expressed regret over Ms. Joshi’s comments.

“MAREGA will continue in force until every Congress worker is civilized. Respected Madam Soniaji has gone mad and it was her who directed Rita to utter those comments. Respected Madam Soniaji too needs some educational grooming. I have heard that her Yuvraaj (Rahul Gandhi) is coming to Uttar Pradesh to protest MAREGA provisions. Let him read the act carefully before taking any step.” Mayawati cautioned.

Meanwhile Congress workers have decided to oppose MAREGA by applying the provisions of the act against Mayawati herself and BSP workers. The leaders have threatened to launch an agitation unless the Chief Minister voluntarily accepts Sonia Gandhi’s and Rita Bahuguna Joshi’s apologies.

“Non aligned countries should justify themselves”

2009-07-16T17:33:00.004+05:30

Sharm-el-Sheikh, Egypt. Leading graphic designers and publishers from around the world have called for an end to the non-aligned movement. These men believe that the concept of non-alignment has lost its relevance and significance in the modern times when typesetting has reached new levels. Such thoughts were echoed at the annual meeting of the representatives from the so-called non-aligned software companies of the world.

“The world has moved much ahead of alignment and today there are much more vital stuff to discuss like embossing, bevelling, stroking, or even the basic issues like style-sheets and templates. Who cares about alignment? You could be left aligned, right aligned or centrally aligned, it’s your choice. Why be so shy to display your alignment? And if there is some reason why one wants to hide the alignment, better justify yourself.” one of the delegates at the non-aligned meeting told.

The delegates argued that issues like alignment were relevant to the times when there were very few word processors available and that too with nothing but basic formatting functions available. There was a time when only two big companies in the word processing business existed – one headquartered at Moscow that had left-alignment as the default format, and the other one headquartered at Washington that had right-alignment as the default format.

These two companies wanted all the new companies or engineers working on word processing software to either join them or be wiped out of business. Frustrated with such state of affairs, some activists believing in open-source and GNU licensing started the non-aligned movement, which was very attractive to begin with. These activists came forward and started distributing word processing software for free, which had no text alignment as the default format.

The movement gradually gained steam and more and more engineers and smaller companies joined hands. Many counties officially adopted these word processing software, these countries were later called as the non-aligned countries.

Ultimately the monopoly of the two big companies withered away, resulting in the issue of alignment being pushed away to the sidelines. Therefore the delegates suggested that the non-aligned movement should be buried respectfully and the participating companies should concentrate on other aspects of business while furthering the basic philosophy of open-source software.

The top management of the participating companies are yet to comment on the suggestion, and it seems that such non-aligned meetings would continue to happen until the top bosses take a decision. Meanwhile, some business did happen at the meeting, with companies from India and Pakistan agreeing for link and banner exchange to foster better ties.

Bacardi to sponsor Liberhan Commission report

2009-07-13T14:01:00.005+05:30

New Delhi. The central government might finally make the findings of the Liberhan Commission report public. The commission was constituted to investigate reasons, roles and events that led to the demolition of Babri Masjid on 6 December 1992, and had submitted its report to the Prime Minister last month. There had been demands to make the findings of the report public since then and our sources confirm that the report could indeed be made public in a few days.

Our sources further inform that the government is currently busy finalizing sponsorship deals with various groups for the public release of the report, and it seems that the deal would be bagged by the Bermuda based spirits company Bacardi. Both these events – sponsorship of the report and public release of the findings – would be soon announced in a press conference.

This would mean that there would be big logos and pictures of Bacardi brands in the backdrop at the launch event. The front page of the report would mention “Bacardi presents” and each page will have watermark of Bacardi logo. Since journalists don’t like reading full reports and prefer trusting summaries written by the government, a small booklet named “Bacardi Blasts” would be released containing highlights of the findings. Furthermore, the report will refer to the persons implicated by the commission for the Babri demolition as “Bacardi Boys”.

This sponsorship deal has been reportedly valued at 16 crore rupees by the government and our sources inform that Bacardi might fall in with without much negotiation. If the deal goes through, Liberhan Commission would be the first and the only commission in the history of independent India to have earned profits for the government.

It should be noted that Liberhan Commission, a one man commission, was expected to submit its report in February 1993 itself, within three months of its constitution. But it took around 17 years to complete the report and cost the government a whopping 8 crore rupees. But with this deal, the commission would actually help the government make 8 crore rupees over the expenses.

“Our target is to bring down the fiscal deficit this budgetary year and such steps are going to help us realize this goal. There are many commissions who have not yet submitted their reports and we would strive for similar deals with all of them. UPA government will change the definition of such commissions.” an officer at the PMO told on conditions of anonymity.

Bacardi’s sponsorship of Liberhan Commission report is expected to heat up the competition in the Indian beverages and liquor market. Market analysts believe that this is the first time a group would strongly challenge Dr. Vijay Mallya’s innovative marketing strategies and give the UB group a run for their money.

“Mallya had always used Sex and Cricket for marketing as Indians are very interested in both, and he was right too. But Religion and Politics are two other things that Indians love even more than Cricket and sometimes even Sex. While Dr. Mallya had unsuccessfully tried politics and kept away from religion, Bacardi has struck a masterstroke with this deal.” Marketing guru Suhail Seth told.

Management of Bacardi is also upbeat about the prospects and feels that this sponsorship deal will strongly entrench the company into the Indian mindset, making them the market leaders. Management believes that since the Babri issue is not expected to be resolved in any foreseeable future, the company can reap the benefits of this sponsorship for an indefinite time period. They denied the possibility that Bacardi could antagonize either Hindus or Muslims by such sponsorships.

“We have always believed in walking the middle path. You might know that we had good relationship with both Fidel Castro as well as the CIA. So there is no reason why we can’t take the middle path here. This is just a shift from Rum and Revolution to Rum and Religion in our approach, which we think will surely work in India. And hasn’t one of your poets written that Temples and Mosques created differences among people while Liquor united them?” Bacardi chairman Facundo L. Bacardi quoted Harivansh Rai Bachchan’s lines from Madhushala.

Obama, Sarkozy discuss the G8 girl

2009-07-11T14:22:00.004+05:30

Was it G8 or G5 or G14? Whatever it was, but it was all bout G(irl).

Post Nilekanai, Infosys announces impressive growth

2009-07-11T13:57:00.005+05:30

Bangalore. Software giant Infosys declared its Q1 results, registering a net rise in profits by more than 17% over last year. This is a good number. All the software farmers were happy as if they received the first shower of monsoon. The Sensex also responded positively and gained some points on this. Infosys shares were up by 4%. Market gazers believe that these days the quarter results declaration is more or less like a festival. People wait for it as if it is Diwali, Eid, Pongal or Christmas.

"It is indeed a good sign of recovery" echoed the freshers who have got the offer letter in their hands. Some of them have laminated it as they are not getting the confirmed joining date and it was proving to be difficult to preserve the cheap quality of paper.

Infosys CFO Mr. Vibin Balakrishnan expressed his happiness on the report and said that it indeed matched the mandatory growth rate defined by the UPA government. Talking exclusively to Faking News, Mr. Balakrishnan revealed that the removal of Nandan Nilekani was a deliberate step forced by the government to boost the account books of Infosys aka Railways under Lalu Yadav.
“Nandan Nilekani’s salary and perks were astronomically high and if we wouldn't have done it a day before the quarter results, we would not have been able to paint an optimistic growth picture for the next quarter. Now the UPA will take care of him, his wife, his mother and his kids from Yale University.” Mr. Balakrishnan expressed hope and confidence.

Infosys CEO S. Gopalakrishnan also addressed media persons on this occasion and shared his vision and plans of bagging some more projects from the government now that there was an insider (sic.) among the babus. He promised that the freshers would soon get joining dates, but advised them to not to get too excited over the possibility.

Now the market is waiting for Wipro results with bated breath. After seeing all the quarterly reports, BATA consultancy Services (BCS) will publish its own reports. BCS is keeping mum on the new deal sign offs. It bagged the Ferrari deal in the previous quarter. COO of BCS, Chandru confirmed to us that the company had bagged another multi-million rupee deal from Lambretta Scooters. This has not yet been announced as they are in the silent period before the quarters result. The challenge of this project will be to get the ageing Lambretta scooters on the road.

(Submitted by the correspondent 'Idiot Box' through electronic mail from the Electronic City)

John Abraham has the sexiest armpit: Rediff poll

2009-07-10T01:29:00.007+05:30

Mumbai. An online poll conducted by the popular Indian website Rediff.com has chosen John Abraham as the celebrity with The Sexiest Armpit. John emerged on top among ten Indian and international celebrities to win the title. Sanjay Dutt, Salman Khan, Arnold Schwarzenegger, Brad Pitt, Roger Federer, Shoaib Akhtar, He-man, Smelly Cat, and Rakhi Sawant were the other contenders for the title. This shortlist was decided by Rediff Comments team.

“Our research department had come up with a study indicating that Indians had long been interested in celebrity armpits. Being a responsible media organization, we had to offer what people of India demanded and hence we decided to run this poll. I’m happy that the results are out. If people want, we can run this contest at regular intervals to track the popularity of celebrity armpits.” Rediff CEO Ajit Balakrishnan told Faking News.

Within minutes of the result being declared, Rediff messageboard was abuzz with people discussing the outcome. Around thousand comments were posted, out of which more than 950 were reported for abuse. Rest of the comments either congratulated John or accused Christian missionaries of having funded the poll. Some comments showed broken URLs of website offering free full body massage, while one user wondered why Brad Pitt was not selected even though his name rhymed with armpit.

But away from the world of comments, John Abraham expressed happiness over the result and thanked fans for selecting his armpits. Media analysts believe that John could now win various advertising contracts for deodorant brands. Some of the experts believe that more such polls could take place in near future as they further the interests of various brands and celebrities.

“We could soon see a ‘Sexiest Feet’ contest to promote a shoe brand. Maybe a ‘Sexiest Hair’ contest to promote a shampoo or even a comb. Having seen the way market and media manipulates us, I’d not be surprised to see a ‘Sexiest Asshole’ contest to promote a brand of toilet paper.” advertising and media critic Aulad Kakkar expressed his fears.

Manmohan Singh reaches the G-spot

2009-07-09T02:38:00.005+05:30

L'Aquila, Italy. Prime Minister Manmohan Singh is all set to address world leaders in the G8+G5 summit hosting city, which we are calling G-spot to be equally fair to 8 and 5. But the Indian Prime Minister will have to be extra careful during his stay thanks to the nature of the hosting city and the hosting Prime Minister. The L'Aquila city welcomed its guests by jolting them with minor earthquakes, while the Italian Prime Minister Silvio Berlusconi has already jolted almost all his guests.

Our junior Italian reporter Quattrobacha reports that the world leaders were quite concerned and opted out of the proposed evening party thrown by the Italian Prime Minister. It’s not clear if the world leaders were afraid of earthquakes or the nature of Berlusconi’s parties. While our Italian reporter didn’t have any hidden camera to expose Berlusconi’s party plans, he did inform us that there seemed to be a certain confusion among authorities on how to deal with the world leaders when the ground below them was shaking.

Meanwhile away from these speculations, Indian Prime Minister addressed mediapersons informing that India's agenda on the list was to remind the G8 (as well as G5) nations that India and China were the emerging economies and they should be treated at par with the developed western economy. Prime Minister was hoping that China will support his stand but the Chinese premier quit the city and the summit to go back to his country. Perhaps he thought that riots in Xinxiang were safer than tremors in L’Aquila.

But the news was sufficient enough a boost for Sensex that touched 14,000 following the statement by the Prime Minister. Speculators at Dalaal Street are now waiting for the full speech of the Prime Minister of India at the summit.

Tech Italia, the technology news partner of Faking News, has confirmed that Dr. Manmohan Singh will be delivering the speech in English, Hindi or Punjabi (or maybe even Tamil or Bengali) but other delegates will be listening directly to Sonia Gandhi's speech in fluent Italian. This operational decision was ostensibly made to avoid any cost incurred in translation.

But this decision has started a political controversy in India. BJP has claimed that this again proved hat the Prime Minister was weak and Sonia Gandhi was the real center of power. But a Faking News investigation has exposed that the decision was taken after a bureaucratic goof up. Indian officials had sent the translator to Lal Quila in Delhi instead of L’Aquila in Italy. Government has denied this and stuck to the explanation that the decision was made to cut costs due to the global economic slowdown.

Apart from the economic slowdown, climate change is also expected to be on the agenda of the summit. India doesn’t have to worry too much over this aspect as Indians don’t use enough electricity due to power crisis, and hence not contributing to global warming. The summit could also see protests by communists, anarchists, human rights groups, pacifists, homosexuals, unemployeds, European extreme-right wing activists and animal rights groups.

According to our sources, members of PETA (Plea for Equal Treatment of Asians) are planning to come out in large numbers tomorrow to protest against Australia. Australia is neither the part of G8 nor G5.

(The report is based on exclusive and latest reports from our correspondent Idiot Box)

Research proves Yeti was a bureaucrat

2009-07-08T16:35:00.006+05:30

Garo Hills, Meghalaya. Local scientists have confirmed that the legendary stories about spotting of Yeti (also known as the Bigfoot or the Snowman) were not completely mythical in nature. A five-year long research by the scientists has concluded that Yeti actually existed and continues to exist. The most striking part of the research is that it rejects the notion that Yeti was some beast, arguing that Yeti was actually a human being – a modern day bureaucrat.

“Unlike other folklores that date back to medieval ages or even to prehistoric times, Yeti’s stories were not heard before 19th century. This made us believe that Yeti was a product of modern era when democratic political systems and modern nation-states emerged. This is how we got the hypothesis for our research.” Maanav Himija, one of the scientists told.

The researchers found many similarities between a modern day bureaucrat and the legendary Yeti. Both of them visited hilly and remote areas populated by underprivileged sections of society, but once in a blue moon. Both were deemed powerful by the locals, who were under awe of their enormous powers. Both earned their livelihood by taking away the resources of the locals.

“We progressively got convinced that Yeti was the name given to the elusive bureaucrat by locals in these areas. Generations over generation people added some hearsay to the appearance and character of the elusive bureaucrat and he became the legendary Yeti. You can’t really blame the locals for this.” Maanav Himija explained the conclusions of the research.

Although the bureaucracy and the government dismissed the report as being ‘frivolous', the researchers got a shot in their arm when leading cartoonist of India, Pran Kumar Sharma, startlingly disclosed that the name of his famous cartoon character “Sabu” (from the Chacha Chaudhary series) was actually inspired form the word “Babu”, a Hindi slang for a bureaucrat.

For the uninitiated, Sabu is a twenty feet tall (who increases his ~~flab~~ size whenever he wants) pet giant of Chacha Chaudhary. He originally belongs to Jupiter and eats a lot of food, which often causes Chacha’s domestic budget to go haywire, attracting nagging criticism from Chachi, the wife of Chacha Chaudhary. Sabu acts and does some work only when Chacha Chaudhary is in deep ~~shit~~ trouble, else he sleeps peacefully in normal times.

“I must admit that I had modeled Sabu on a bureaucrat, a rather friendly and active bureaucrat. You can very easily see that all his characteristics matches so well with those in bureaucracy. And now you are telling me about this research. I’m not at all surprised that Yeti was also a bureaucrat. These scientists have done a good job and must be congratulated.” cartoonist Pran told Faking News.

Highlights of Union Budget 2009-10

2009-07-06T18:00:00.005+05:30

New Delhi. For those of our readers, who missed the budget speech of Finance Minister Pranab Mukherjee, Faking News brings the highlights of the Union Budget:

Defense budget has been increased by over 34%. The ruling coalition can now defend all its tainted MPs without worrying for legal expenses as Service Tax will be now levied on Law firms.

Income tax slabs have been raised. Since income hasn’t risen too much in the last year due to recession, government was considerate enough not to raise the slabs too much as well.

Government will ensue that farming sector grows, but farming land might become lesser as there is a focus on infrastructure development.

Crop loan to farmers will be given at 6%. The farmers need to furnish a few documents – a driving license, a passport with visa to USA, last three years audited IT returns certificate and an affidavit that government won’t be responsible if he commits suicide.

Fringe Benefit Tax has been abolished. Companies are free to abolish the benefits too.

Contrary to popular expectations, no special schemes were announced for gays. e.g. Lesbians were not picked up for mention even as mission for female literacy with focus on minorities, SC/ST was announced.

No change in corporate tax. Swiss banks too have not changed interest rates.

Drugs for heart diseases will be made cheaper. Get a stronger heart for next five years.

Print Media stimulus package extended by six months. Pagal Patrakar wishes Faking News was a print newspaper.

NREGA allocation up by almost 150%. Jai Ho! To provide a real wage of Rs. 100 per day, this is equal to the monthly revenues of Faking News.

Government to spend Rs. 12000 crores on rural roads. The decision was taken in wake of the possibility of Tata’s Nano car being owned by each rural household.

Modernization of National Employment Exchanges. Sleek looking gals will hand out job application forms to the unemployed youth.

PSUs to remain within public sector! LOL!

Almost Rs. 1500 crores more allocated for Commonwealth Games. It includes prizes for contractors to finish their work early and in time.

Our correspondent Idiot Box further reports:

OOPs He did it again

Budget Flu has attacked the Indian subcontinent and everyone is mourning and singing "OOPs he did it again... although after more than 2 decades) When Pranaab Da started his union budget, the entire nation was looking at him as if he is the most qualified person to look for GDP growth of 9%. "Arrey Bhai, what calculation let you to dream of GDP growth of 9%", asked an amused kela aadmi (cousin of aam aadmi). After seeing a negative inflation, even the most gadha (donkey) aadmi would question the credibility of numbers.

Not only entire nation, the entire world was looking. Even the Wall Street in New York had come to a halt (anyways it was night time in New York, observed Mr.Witty Birbal, a senior analyst from Faking News). All eyes were on the plasma display which was giving minute by minute update on the budget. Even the Wall Street Bull lifted his head to see the budget.

All desis came out on the street as if it was the night before thanksgiving! They came with their own tap water and home made idli-vada, samosa-pakora for snacks. Some had even put up their sweater and scarf as they feel it is always cold in any foreign country.

All the websites and television channels were giving live updates. The 6th of July is marked as the 'Serial Killer' day in India as no serials was broadcasted. Today the T.V. was dominated by Pranab and Arnab (Arnab of the Arnab Goswami fame who can talk non-stop without any break).

Anandi of 'Balika Vadhu' and Akshara of 'Yeh Rishta Kya Kehlata hai' were also heard talking about budget. This was a strategic move started by the new government to educate the couch potato housewives of the impact of budget. Housewives can now bug their husband to buy imported LCD T.V. as the tax has been reduced.

The cyber space was full of tweets. All the birdies were tweeting nano second by second update of the budget. Faking News cyber-crawlers uncovered some exclusive updates which were not commonly seen on the web.

July 6, 2009, 06:00 : Alarm Bell rings and Pranab stops the alarm in his sleep and laziness.

July 6, 2009, 06:45 : Pranab wakes up and rushes to get ready for his special day. His PA submits a report that he is delayed for the budget speech.

July 6, 2009, 07:00 : Sensex down by 420.99 points on negative sentiments from budget as people read the news paper in the morning (This is the first time in history that market has fallen even before the opening bell).

July 6, 2009, 10:12 : Tax limit changed for Gay too.The first slab of income of Rs. 377,000 will be tax free for Gay and Rs. 4,20,000 will be exempted for the lesbians.

July 6, 2009, 11:57 : Agricultural growth to increase by 4%. This can be achieved by growing potatoes over the roof top of IT companies and installing flower pots in the place of desktops of laid off employees. Following Green revolution, this will be coined as Pink revolution taking cue from the pink slips.

July 6, 2009 12:00 : Citizens are encouraged to buy imported gold jewellery although the basic food price keep shooting through the roof. Wife of Manmohan Singh has already requested for gold bars as soon as the clock struck 12.

Salient features of Railway Budget 2009-10

2009-07-05T00:22:00.000+05:30

New Delhi. With the new budget Maamta Di has also announced new perks. Railing behind the pro-gay ruling, she has announced a new quota called the ‘Gay Quota’. All RAC can be automatically converted to Gay Quota as they will have no problem in sharing berths. 'Pulling the Chain' will have also a different context in the railway rule. If the male co-passenger does not give his consent, then pulling the chain can lead to two nights in isolation in a jail in Delhi or Rs. 377 fine or both. Like there were separate coupa for women, there will be another coupa for men travelling alone as our bhai-baap will be unsafe from the gayish look of straight men.

Tatkaal scheme will be now renamed to 'Taatkaal' scheme to give it a pro-Bengal accent. Since Lalu has now converted to a non-veggie and started eating chicken, chicken will be removed from the menu and replaced with maacher-jhol (fish curry). This will give Lalu the reinforcing feeling that he was not in power. To rub it further, his father-in-law will not be allowed to board the train without a proper ticket now.

Trains would now stop at all the nondescript stations in West Bengal. The railway minister said this at the inauguration of New Railway e-Mail Service "Train should stop at Malda Town as well as Malda Village. If Malda Village doesn't exist, then a new station should be created with this name".

The minister said that the RMS (Railway Mail Service) should change to Railway email service. It has appointed Mr. Chandan Nilekani of Tinfosys for the same. Mr. Nilekani will quit his job and lead the Railway informatics team. Other Indian software companies like BATA Consultancy Services (BCS) will also be benefitted by this as they will be given some contract to manage data. A German company, TAP Labs based out of Bangalore will be given the contract to carry out seamless distribution of email across the nation and the world. It will use a pioneering concept of opening the tap and filling it at stations. It will be an electronic tap and fill the bogie with email at a particular station.

There will be no increase in fare and the unreserved waitlisted AC 1st class ticket can now be converted to a low cost airline named Dice Jet, because when you travel by Dice Jet, your chance of reaching the destination is dicey and you take almost the same time as railways.

Lalu's Kullhad will be now replaced by Nano cups. It will be the smallest cup in the market. Mr Patan Bata, chairman of BATA group expressed his gratitude for getting business in Bengal. He has suffered major loss when Nano car project was thrown out of Bengal. He will make some profit by selling nano cups. He agreed that he will employ 100% of labours from the neighbouring Jhhingur village in Bengal.

With these set of reforms in the Railways, the budget is sure to give a mishti (sweet) feeling in the 'Korbo-Lorbo-Jeetbo' generation.

(Submitted by the correspondent 'Idiot Box' through the Railway e-mail Service)

Railway passengers will be fined for snoring and farting

2009-07-03T19:34:00.006+05:30

New Delhi. In a significant development, Railway Minister Mamta Banerjee announced a new rule for Indian Railways that would empower TTEs (Train Ticket Examiners) to penalize passengers indulged in persistent snoring or farting while traveling. The penalty could range from a fine of 500 Rupees to five hours of imprisonment inside the train toilet. The rule was announced while presenting the Railway Budget for financial year 2009-10, and will come into effect from next week.

The rule has been welcomed and come as a relief to millions of non-snoring-non-farting railway commuters, who otherwise were disappointed with the minister over non-introduction of new facilities to enrich the traveling experience. Such harassed commuters will now have an option of complaining to the TTE about a snoring or farting passenger causing discomfort to them, following which the TTE would be free to exercise his punitive powers right away.

“It’s a very good decision. In fact I would say that this is the best that Mamtadi could do to better the traveling experience. What’s the use of other facilities when there is a farting zombie sitting with you? Can you imagine a situation where you are served the most delicious food by the Railways and as soon as you open the packet, the guy sitting next to you farts? It sucks man! Same goes for snoring losers; what’s the use of being offered a cozy berth with Kashmiri shawl if the guy sleeping on the next berth is sending out a wake up alarm all the time?” Prashant, a railway commuter told.

But many people believe that the new rule curtails the fundamental rights of people, especially the right to equality and the right to freedom of expression. They believe that fining or imprisoning someone is akin to treating them like criminals, which violates the fundamental rights of people.

“On what basis farting or snoring could be deemed as a crime? On one hand we just had gay sex being legalized and on the other hand we are witnessing farting and snoring being illegalized. This is shocking. Just like gays choose to release their sexuality in a different way, these people choose to release air in a bit different way from the majority. How can it be a punishable crime?” Ashant, a Human Rights activist protested.

These activists suggest that people having problems with snoring or farting passengers should change their berths instead of victimizing the poor souls. Fearing a showdown between protestors and supporters of the new rule, some pacifists have suggested a system that could allow people to indicate themselves as farters or non-farters while booking the tickets so that the railways can club them separately and allocate berths accordingly.

Ms. Mamta Banerjee promised to look into the matter but she categorically denied that the rule could be scrapped following these protests, which means that rest of the passengers can breathe a whiff of fresh air for now.

Durex to launch gay condoms in India

2009-07-02T16:31:00.005+05:30

New Delhi. It seems that a whole new gay economy is waiting to open up after Delhi High Court legalized gay sex in India today. Experts anticipate that more and more gays would now come out in open and assert their identity and rights after this verdict. This also potentially opens up a new and lucrative consumer group for marketers as most of the gays and lesbians are assumed to be belonging to well-off families.

Durex, the international condom manufacturers, has become the first corporate group to reach out to this potential consumer group. The company announced its plan to launch exclusive condoms for Indian gays. The ‘gay’ condom has been named “GayPlay” and the company claims that it differs from the ‘straight’ condoms in aesthetics and components, and has been designed exclusively for gays keeping in view their special needs. GayPlay condoms would be made of latex as usual, but the thickness and lubricity of the material will vary from the straight condoms.

“Gays need condoms that can sustain coarse wear and tear over a period of time but still are able to provide silky lubrication. The regular condoms fail on these factors and prove to be useless for gays. GayPlay has all that the gays needed but we were afraid that the product would have been declared illegal in India. Now that India has legalized gay sex, the last hurdle in the launch of GayPlay has gone.” Durex issued a press release announcing the launch.

Experts believe that this is just the beginning and we could see many more gay targeted products and services being offered soon in India. Google hot trends also showed that most Indians searched for India’s first gay cartoon character “Gaydhak” immediately after gay sex was declared legal.

“Gaydhak is just a small fry but a good beginning for India. But India needs to learn a lot from the outside world. You would be happy to learn that we could soon have the first gay Disneyland in the USA. Our lobbyists are trying hard to pressurize Obama administration to give green signal to the proposed Disneyland and inaugurate it by unveiling a grand statute of Pluto embracing Goofy. It would be so cool.” Homa Gaylot, a leading gay rights activist told Faking News.

Gay right groups expect services like gay amusement parks, gay pubs, and gay matrimony websites to be launched soon in India. But their ultimate dream is to see Gay Premier League (GPL) being organized by the BCCI.

“We are normal people. We do normal things and like all other normal Indians, we love Cricket. We would be most happy to see GPL being organized in India. I’m sure Shahrukh Khan will definitely buy a gay team and support the cause. We are sure his gay team would do much better than his supposedly straight Knight Riders.” Homa Gaylot expressed hope.

Economist thinks smart-ass Indians, not petrol price hike, causes inflation

2009-07-02T03:09:00.000+05:30

New Delhi. Millions of Indians, mostly belonging to the middle and upper middle classes, brought traffic and daily life to a standstill in various cities of the country last evening by queuing up to buy petrol and diesel from filling stations before their prices went up last midnight. Government had hiked the petrol prices by four rupees per liter and diesel by two rupees per liter, apparently to cut losses of oil companies in view of rising prices of crude oil in the international market. But it seems that with this price hike, government has been able achieve more than just cutting the losses of oil companies.

“A typical car tank holds up to 40-50 liters of petrol, and hence those smart Indians who spent hours in queues last night to fill their tank fully could save around 150-200 rupees each. Let us discount the value of their time and value of the petrol that they might have lost while waiting in the queue. Since the number of such smart Indians was sizeable, the amount saved can’t be ignored. And let us not confuse the amount with ordinary savings; petrol is an asset, which means that those people could increase their assets and their individual net worths by 150-200 rupees instantly as valuation of petrol went up after last midnight. This clearly meant that millions of those smart Indians could increase public saving by billions of rupees, which should now bring down the interest rates and increase public investment.” noted economist Asatya Sen told Faking News.

Various Indians who queued up to buy petrol or diesel last night were happy and contented to learn this. They felt vindicated at having spent time and energy for buying petrol and hoped that the economy will get a boost after their generous contribution. But their happiness was a bit short-lived as many experts feared that this increase in public saving could actually adversely impact the economy and the lives of common man.

“I agree with Asatya Sen that this increase in public saving will bring down the interest rates, but that would not stimulate investment or shape up the economy. In fact, a fall in interest rates will push up housing prices impacting the common man. Not only housing prices, a general inflationary movement could be witnessed soon. We always blame the government for inflation that follows petrol price hikes, but the truth is that the common man is responsible for this mess thanks to his smart-ass behavior of saving a few bucks.” another noted economist Satya Sen opined.

Petroleum Minister Murli Deora agreed with Satya Sen and feared that such reckless behavior by the citizens of India could initiate an inflationary movement in the economy causing the prices of essential commodities to go up. He also suspected that most of the people who queued up yesterday night to buy petrol could have been BJP workers who wanted to discredit the government by pushing up inflation. The minister warned the opposition and media against blaming the UPA government for the ensuing inflation.

Hunt on for sculptor who merged Mayawati and Elephant statues

2009-07-01T00:01:00.000+05:30

Lucknow. The entire Uttar Pradesh administration got the shock of their life when they found out that one of the statues of the Chief Minister Kumari Behen Mayawati, which was to be unveiled by Mayawati herself, had head of an elephant. The shocking discovery was made when the officials were inspecting all the to-be-unveiled-and-installed statutes for possible hidden explosives. A massive hunt for the sculptor, who mysteriously created this half-mayawati-half-elephant statue, has been ordered by the state administration.

It is not clear if the original statue was designed to be that of Mayawati or an elephant, as the fugitive sculptor had merged the head and the torso seamlessly. But in either case, the statue was intended to be a part of the grand project by the Chief Minister to construct parks, museums, and memorials dedicated to dalits, which would help them advance socially and psychologically. Installing statues of herself and of elephants, the symbol of her political party, has been the pinnacle of the project.

Numerous theories were doing the round about the possible motive of the sculptor behind creating such a statue. The local District Magistrate believes that the sculptor was too drained and disoriented after carving out innumerous statues of Mayawati and elephants in recent times, and thus mixed up both the statues inadvertently. But not many in the state administration are ready to buy his theory and he might be suspended for this grave dereliction of duty.

Chief Minister Mayawati has accused Samajwadi Party and Congress workers to be behind the act, and has warned them of dire consequences. She threatened to defile statues of Mahatma Gandhi if another such half-mayawati-half-elephant statue was found in any part of the state.

But her own party leader and the popular Brahmin face of the party Mr. Satish Chandra Mishra has sought to downplay the development. In fact, Mr. Mishra claimed that the controversial statue was actually a genuine tribute to the divinity of Behen Mayawati.

“I believe the sculptor acted in good faith. He tried to create a female version of Lord Ganesha and out of his devotion, he chose Behenji as the medium of expression. Lord Ganesha is the god of intellect and wisdom. He removes obstacles, facilitates auspicious beginnings, and is a patron of arts and sciences. All these qualities are present in Behenji, so it was perfectly fitting for the sculptor to have done this.” Mr. Mishra put a spin on the whole episode.

It’s not sure if Mr. Mishra’s spin would be able to save the sculptor who has gone underground after the statue was first discovered by the security officials. But while the state police was still trying to hunt down the sculptor, Faking News special correspondent could catch hold of him. The sculptor was very tense and terrified, and requested our correspondent not to disclose his whereabouts. When we promised to keep his details secret, the sculptor confided to us his frustrations.

“I was mighty pissed off after making thousands of statues of Mayawati and elephants. My life was getting screwed. My wife left me because I compared her nature with Mayawati’s and beauty with an elephant. I don’t even know if I meant the other way round, my wife never believed me. To top it all, I heard that the state government had spent something like 2000 crores on these statues with a single statue costing around 70 lakhs. What the fuck man! I was not even paid 700 rupees for one statue!! What do you expect me to do?” the sculptor told agitatedly.

‘Rakhi Ka Swayamvar’ gets notices from Gays and Government

2009-06-29T12:21:00.006+05:30

Mumbai. The latest reality show on television “Rakhi Ka Swayamvar” has run into rough weather just before its first episode was to be telecast today. The producers have received two legal notices from two diverse groups – a Gay political party and the Ministry of Information and Broadcasting. The gay notice accuses the show of being discriminatory, while the government acted after some civil groups complained about forgery on the show. Producers have got one week to respond to both the notices.

The gay notice has been issued by the recently formed political party Bhartiya Samlaingik Party (BSP), which wonders why there are no girls among the suitors’ list of Rakhi Ka Swayamvar. As most of you would know, Rakhi Ka Swayamvar is a show where the great television actress Rakhi Sawant would marry one of the suitors (contestants of the reality show). There are sixteen suitors on the show, all of whom are apparently male.

“The show typecasts and reinforces a typical medieval mentality that a woman should marry only a man and vice versa. This is a retrogressive show, which is highly discriminatory to the homosexuals. We demand that a couple of women, preferably lesbians, are also inducted in the show and are given equal opportunity to compete.” BSP president Ahmed Anju Iyer told after taking part in a gay pride parade in Bengaluru.

Mr. Iyer dismissed the charges that such a demand interferes with the creative rights of the producers. He cited the instance of RPI(A) leader Ramdas Athavale accusing a television channel of bias when he was dropped as a contestant from the reality show “Big Boss”. Mr. Athavale had claimed discrimination on the grounds of him being a dalit and his supporters had attacked the offices of the television channel. BSP president didn’t rule out similar reaction from gay groups.

The producers of Rakhi Ka Swayamvar declined to comment on the charges of BSP, but our sources confirm that the gay notice has caused some high level meetings to take place in the channel to discuss the ramifications of the development. The agenda of such meetings also involved discussions on the other notice received from the government that accused the producers and the show of forgery.

The second notice was sent by the Ministry of Information and Broadcasting after various civil groups suspected that Rakhi Sawant was faking all the shyness, nervousness and excitement ahead of her televised marriage. The groups fear that such a shocking behaviour on-screen in their living rooms will have adverse impact on the younger generation. They dread that their kids might completely misunderstand the meaning of these feelings and emotions. These groups have termed Rakhi’s alleged make-believe expressions as “Silicon Shyness”.

“The show is full of plastic and silicon, there is hardly anything natural to witness and feel. Has the government wondered what kind of impact it will have on our children, who are the future of this country? Do we want a generation that has only plastic smiles and silicon shyness to offer? This ‘reality’ show is a travesty of reality, it’s nothing but forgery and it must be stopped immediately.” one of the civil society members told Faking News.

McKinsey proposes FART approach to employee unrest

2009-06-27T18:22:00.006+05:30

Mumbai. McKinsey and Co., the global leaders in management consultancy, have proposed a new framework for companies dealing with employee unrest in wake of the ongoing economic downturn. The framework, published in the visitor edition of The McKinsey Quarterly, advocates a four-pronged approach called FART to deal with the dissatisfaction among employees arising out of cost-cutting measures taken up by companies.

FART stands for Feed, Affect, Relegate, and Terminate – four different approaches that a company should take based on mix of two parameters – existing 'Employee Mindset' and the 'Cash Status' of the company. The McKinsey Quarterly report elaborates each of these four approaches of the FART framework with several exhibits to back up the study.

“If the company has a bit of cash and the employees’ mindset is still to turn hostile, the company should ‘feed’ the employees to stop them from turning hostile. The best way to ‘feed’ is to give some freebies like season gifts, personalized cakes on birthdays, shopping coupons, free pizzas during working hours, etc.” the report explained the ‘feed’ approach of the FART framework.

In case employees’ mood has turned a bit hostile and some of them are demanding explanations about issues like salary hikes and promotions, the FART framework suggests ‘affect’ approach for companies with surplus cash. ‘Affect’ approach requires the company to affect i.e. pretend taking some proactive steps for employee welfare.

“The company could initiate a pretentious performance appraisal process to quell the employee unrest. Other steps could involve sending the employees a feedback form, or inviting employees for a one-to-one interview with HR executives, etc. Such steps mollify the hostile mood of the employees, giving them a hope about future, but these steps should be taken only when the company has some cash to meet the expenses associated with these affected steps.” the report elaborated.

If a company doesn’t enjoy the luxury of surplus cash and is running into losses, the FART framework advocates ‘relegate’ approach, but only if the employees are in a friendly mindset, which is rare in normal course. The approach involves taking steps like lowering the compensation packages and demoting the employees. The report describes the ‘relegate’ approach as being a transient approach as it usually ends up changing the employee mindset from friendly to hostile, leaving the company to adopt the forth and the final approach – terminate.

“If the company is running into losses and employees have turned hostile, the best approach is to ‘terminate’ i.e. fire the employees.” the report concluded the FART framework.

BCCI to manage ad and modeling contracts of cricketers

2009-06-26T01:55:00.015+05:30

Cricketers won’t be able to sign advertising and modeling contracts independently anymore, all such contracts would now have to necessarily be routed through and approved by BCCI. The move is aimed at improving BCCI finances amidst falling revenues due to recession and poor performance of the Indian team. The picture was taken at the inaugural official modeling assignment of team India at Kingston, Jamaica, ahead of the first One Day International between India and West Indies.

Frog marriages can push up India’s GDP: Study

2009-06-25T14:48:00.008+05:30

New Delhi. A threat of monsoon washout has left the government clueless and the common man at the mercy of God. A lack of rainfall threatens to push the inflation rate up and the growth rate (GDP) down. While the government is still pondering what to do, the common man has started taking steps like havan, puja and arranging marriages of frogs. While the skeptics and the rationalists might scoff at these seemingly senseless attempts by the common man, a Faking News study shows that such attempts can in fact prove helpful in pushing up India’s GDP.

“The common man must not stop at arranging marriages for the frogs. This is well begun but half undone. The need of the hour is to keep the frog couple together and make them consummate the marriage. We need lots and lots of baby frogs. Yes, we need to encourage ‘Frog Farming’. The government should buy these baby frogs from frog farmers and then export them to countries like China and France. This will increase government spending as well as exports, thus pushing the GDP northwards.” the Faking News Intelligence Group (FNIG) report noted.

The report points out the fact that people in countries like China have almost eaten frogs to extinction, which has opened up a global market for frogs. Frog legs are a delicacy in France while Chinese eat the whole frog. Some Chinese companies also make aphrodisiac or sex-drive improving medicines out of frog’s sexual organs. Such needs and usages drive the demand for frogs in these countries. Currently, Indonesia is the largest exporter of frogs, but there is an opportunity for India to enter this global frog market and replace the South East Asian country from its market leader position.

“Government invariably has to encourage Frog Farming. The good work started by aam aadmi (common Indians) by marrying off frogs must be concluded with government facilitating mating of frogs. During mating, the male frog climbs over and clasps the female around her waist tightly, and tends to be in that position lasting sometimes for several days! The common man must be educated about this fact so that he lets the frogs make love and not try to disjoin them out of fear or curiosity. During the mating period, the female can lay several hundreds eggs. One can simply imagine the kind of growth we are looking at.” FNIG report elaborated.

Faking News hopes that the government will take the required steps and chalk out a strategy for a National Frog Farming Programme. This could be the second “Green Revolution” our country could witness, pulling us out of recession and monsoon washout.

Indian origin boy wins cat coloring contest in USA

2009-06-24T14:22:00.008+05:30

Oklahoma, USA. Ten year old Sameer, a third generation American of Indian origin, won the World Series Cat Coloring Contest here today, beating over 500 contestants from different states of the USA. The competition asked its contestants to color white cats in water-color using their creative imagery to create beautiful colorful cats. Sameer emerged as the final winner after seven days of grueling competition, sending whole of ~~media~~ India into ruptures of joy.

Sameer’s great grandparents used to live in Okhla village in Delhi, but his grandfather decided to leave India and migrate to the USA to lead a better life. His ancestral home was bought over by a property dealer who now runs a pet shop over there.

Various television news channels of India are planning to air special LIVE news bulletins from the same pet shop to celebrate Sameer’s victory. Members of one television crew were suggesting the pet shop owner to color all the pets, especially the cats, in tri-color to add ‘punch’ to the ‘story’.

“It’s a Breaking News! Our TRPs will prove it!” Lijjat Sharma, chief of an Indian TV channel told Faking News.

Sameer was completely unaware of this hype in India over his victory when our Oklahoma correspondent met him. He expressed happiness and wanted to know if Okhla village was named after Oklahoma. Sameer has never been to India but now his parents are willing to send him to India, if the government pays for all travel and accommodation. Sameer had won three free DVDs of ‘Tom and Jerry’ as the first prize, the only prize of the competition.

When our correspondent asked Sameer if he was inspired by the Indian tri-color when he colored the cat, his parents immediately told “yes”, to which Sameer nodded after a while. Sameer’s parents hoped that their son’s feat will strengthen Indo-US ties; they told this while on phone with some Indian television channel. They also expressed hope that attacks on Indian students in Australia could stop if a similar Kangaroo coloring contest was organized there.

Government of India too has sent a congratulatory message to Sameer and his parents. Minister of State for External Affairs Shashi Tharoor was called up around 500 times by various news organizations to react, following which he finally sent a congratulatory message. Mr. Tharoor remained non-committal over awarding Sameer a paid trip to India. He also refused to comment if a similar contest in Australia could help stop attack on students there.

A television news anchor also asked Mr. Tharoor to congratulate Sameer though his twitter update. The phone line was disconnected and the views of Mr. Tharoor couldn’t be heard. The television channel has asked people to send SMS if they thought the minister should update his twitter status. The channel claims that majority of Indians want Mr. Tharoor to twit about Sameer’s victory.

Meanwhile Sameer risked losing his ‘Tom and Jerry’ DVDs as various Animal Rights group in the USA have called to countermand the results of the Cat Coloring competition, which they thought was an example of cruelty to animals. But Sameer need not worry as liquor baron Vijjay Mallya has announced that he’d gift a complete set of DVDs to Sameer if his prize was confiscated. Dr. Mallya was talking to a news channel that called Sameer a ‘Royal Challenger’ of American supremacy.

Men’s right group demand ban on condoms

2009-06-23T18:25:00.005+05:30

Paris, France. A group of masculinists, operating under an organization called MOTA (Men On Top Association), have demanded a ban on condoms on grounds of it being a sign of ‘subservience’. These masulinists plan to meet President Nicolas Sarkozy to apprise him of their concerns. MOTA activists have also appealed to the media and civil associations in other countries to take up the matter in their respective nations and get rid of condoms, which they refer to as ‘labyrinth of latex’.

“No man wants to wear condoms of his own, even the academia acknowledges it, then why are millions of men all around the world made to wear it daily? It’s the right to free choice that is at risk here. Condoms deprive men of their dignity and identity. It’s a sign of debasement.” MOTA chief Farren Warrell called for a universal ban on condoms.

Activists claim that the world is just too insensitive to men’s rights and men have been at the receiving end from the society for long e.g. only men are recruited to get killed in the army in each nation. These activists favor use of ‘equitable’ methods for birth control as they deem condoms as being ‘discriminatory’.

“Condoms are not sign of birth control; they are a sign of control over men’s desires and freedom. France has always taken steps to defend individual freedom and has discouraged signs of discrimination and degradation such as burqa (veil). It’s high time condoms are banned too.” Mr. Warrell argued.

But not all men are impressed with the demand. While some of them accepted that they didn’t particularly enjoy wearing condoms, they argued that condoms were still required to protect themselves against various risks like AIDS and abrasion (sic). A few of them also claimed that they actually enjoyed wearing condoms and it was, in fact, a sign of their masculinity.

“Mr. Warrell has gone mad. What does he know about condoms and masculinity? Has he ever used them? Condoms are not just about birth control, they improve your self-respect. He has denigrated condoms and manhood both. I demand an unconditional apology otherwise he’d have to face dangerous consequences.” a condom supporter told Faking News.

The Yemeni Connection

2009-06-23T18:10:00.004+05:30

Aden, Yemen. The government has now waded in to the KG gas controversy by sending an unusually clear message to the Ambani brothers. “The most important thing is that this gas belongs to the government”, said Milind Deora to Faking News.

As the reverberations of this gas problem is felt everywhere from the Ministry of Petroleum & Gas to the Ambanis’ bedrooms, this special correspondent decided to try a different angle, to give this story a better slant, like all reporters at this fabulous news outlet whose coverage of 26/11 was unparalleled, on more than one level. Our story now moves to Aden, the financial capital of Yemen.

It's 6:15 in the evening and the stream of trucks are just starting to dissipate. The setting sun gives the dust an orange tinge, like that Minute-maid pulpy orange ad (where the orange is flying around - same colour... yeah, that one!). At the corner of Al- A’am Ba Ni gas station sits Ahmed on a rusty chair, reminiscing over a life of rusted relationships. He was born in 1965 to a Yemeni mother and an Indian father, his father abandoning him soon after.

“My mother used to tell me of my father, he went back to India and started a textile company, then got into oil refining and made lot of money.” Of course, Ahmed got no share of that fortune, being the child his father never acknowledged.

“My father is dead now but his name lives on the feuds of his greedy children”, he says caustically. “My father took the hard way out, and made it big thanks to his hard work and determination. He gave his children a life he never had and never spared them the finest of anything. They inherited his fortune. But look at the petty squabbling those two indulge in. It’s greed at its ugliest.”

Sitting at the dusty petrol bunk, the lack of bitterness in Ahmed’s voice was conspicuous. In the distance, he points out to his two children playing football, kicking up dust as they scream wildly. The dust has an orange tinge, a minute maid-ish sort of orange (Feel the Orange. Feel the Pulp).

“You know, my father left them a lot of money, big houses and fancy cars. He also left them strife, jealousy and a life full of death threats. My father left me all the valuable things- stability, peace of mind, a good night’s sleep. In many ways, my father gave those two his curse and he left me with the good fortune of a simple life.”

The sun had now set and the large “Reliance” neon sign above his petrol station came alive. Ahmed noticed me staring at the sign and smiled at me, the irony had not been lost on him.

This article was made possible by the generous contribution of Choke-a-Cola. Choke-a-Cola has always encouraged the finest journalists (like fine Kinley water) to cover nuanced stories from all over the world. Choke has as much a “non-profit intention” as Diet Choke has calories.

(Submitted through email by Evil Twin. To submit your own stories on this site, please visit this link)

Pakistan T20 victory trigger attacks on Lankan students

2009-06-22T12:41:00.005+05:30

Mumbai. Various parts of India saw Sri Lankan students and tourists being physically assaulted and roughed up by unidentified men and boys, apparently after Sri Lanka lost to Pakistan in the final match of the international T20 World Cup Cricket championship. Reports suggest that most of the Indians are fuming after Pakistan won the cup, for which they felt India were the favorites. It is feared that more such attacks could take place in coming days. Government has appealed for calm and restraint.

“We understand the sentiments of the public but public display of such sentiments are not good. Tomorrow Australia can come up with some similar explanation for attacks on Indian students and internationally our position would be weakened. Pakistan too can argue that India is not a safe country for cricket lovers and this could hamper our cricket economy. People must stop these attacks immediately else government would have to take some strong steps.” union Home Minister P Chidambaram told.

Although no grievous or fatal injuries were reported, Sri Lankan students and tourists in various parts of India were scared to venture out for the next few days. Many of them are in state of ~~Haryana~~ shock and disbelief.

“We never had to face any problems till date. We were a little bit concerned when Sri Lankan forces had started killing Tamil rebels, but fortunately nothing happened even then. This was completely unexpected and outrageous. We were already depressed at Sri Lanka losing in the final, and then suddenly some guys came around and started beating us, accusing us of letting Pakistan win. It was horrible.” Zorseroya Maarkhake, a Sri Lankan student studying Comparative Cultures at Mumbai University, told Faking News.

Security was beefed up at BCCI headquarters too as some reports suggested that Indian fans were upset with the top governing body’s decision to grant amnesty to all ICL players, which inspired Pakistani all rounder Abdul Razzak to come back to the national team and play an important role in his team’s victory. No attacks on any BCCI official or building were reported till the reports last came in.

In a related incident, a man in Bhopal fatally injured his pet dog in fury because the dog barked each time Shahid Afridi hit a boundary or six. The man thought that the dog was saying “boom boom” instead of “bhoo bhoo” and applauding Afridi, and hit the poor little animal with his cricket bat. Now the man is repentant as he thinks that his dog might have been upset as well and abusing Afridi. Doctors have declared the dog to be out of danger but diagnosed the man with symptoms of depression.

Rahul adopts a dalit child on Father’s Day, Mayawati furious

2009-06-21T17:56:00.006+05:30

Mulayampur, Uttar Pradesh. Last Friday, Congress party workers had distributed food in dalit localities on the eve of birthday of their general secretary Rahul Gandhi. Today, on the eve of Father’s Day, Rahul Gandhi reportedly declared that he’d adopt a dalit girl child and raise her as a father. Rahul has adopted the same eight year old girl, with whom he had ridden a buffalo around eight months back. The girl’s name is Maya Kumari.

“Rahul baba came back to the village to thank people who voted for Congress candidate. He was sad to learn that villagers’ conditions had not improved even a bit since he came last. Little Maya’s father had passed away in her childhood and her mother had tough time raising her. Out of grueling poverty worsened by poor governance, her mother even tried to sell her to a rich man in Ambedkarnagar. When Rahul baba heard this story, he was deeply moved and decided to adopt her.” local Youth Congress leader Sapna Merchant informed.

According to Sapna, Little Maya will now fly to New Delhi with Congress general secretary and live with Rahul Gandhi in his official residence. She will also get to study in the best schools and colleges in India and abroad. Rahul has promised to her that her dream of becoming a nuclear scientist will get realized one day and he’d be a proud father then.

Whole of Mulayampur village is reportedly happy over the development, but some reports also suggested that a few villagers were unhappy with this preferential treatment given to one child. It should be noted (refer to the Faking News report) that Rahul Gandhi had gone on a buffalo ride with two kids, the other being equally unfortunate to be living in poverty.

“Why was the other kid, the boy Naram Yadav, left to fend for his own? Rahul made use of him when he wanted to ride a buffalo and now he didn’t even care to visit his house. Why this special treatment to Maya? Will the Yuvraaj of Congress help only when the parents try to sell their kids? All of us who are taking good care of our children deserve no rewards?” Amar Singh, an angry villager asked.

Not only villagers like Amar Singh, Rahul’s apparently benevolent act has riled even the Chief Minister of Uttar Pradesh Kumari Behen Mayawati. Behenji accused Rahul of being a ‘dramabaaz’ and ‘natakbaaz’ like Mahatma Gandhi, who had no genuine intentions to help dalits. Mayawati has claimed that the whole act was a conspiracy to defraud dalits of their rights and identity.

“We all know what happened to Kalawati. Now the Yuvraaj has made promises to Maya. This dramabaz Gandhi has deliberately chosen my namesake to insult me and hence the whole dalit society. He wants to finish dalits. Now that dalit girl will no longer remain dalit because caste of a person is same as his or her father’s caste. In essence, Rahul Gandhi has only reduced the population and weakened the strength of dalits. I appeal to my party members to see through this conspiracy and not let this drama go on for long.” Mayawati thundered.

Mayawati also announced a "chheen lo” (snatch them) movement on this occasion asking all dalit families to take back their sons and daughters who might have been adopted or being raised by Congress workers in recent years. She claimed that Congressmen were inherently incapable of giving anything for free to the society and their adoption drama was all hogwash.

“There is no free image of Rahul Gandhi even on Wikipedia – the free encyclopedia for the common masses. Why didn’t the Congress walas give a free image to the organization? It’s simple, because Congressmen don’t want that a common person should benefit and become more educated. They just believe in doing drama and deceiving dalits.” Mayawati claimed.

No one from Wikipedia was interested in commenting.

George Clooney hires psychic to contact dead pig

2009-06-20T02:28:00.003+05:30

Some Place, USA. Hollywood actor George Clooney has hired a psychic to help him contact his pot-bellied pet Max, who died in 2006.

The Leatherheads star reportedly told a friend: "The psychic told me Max had a great life with me. He is very happy in spirit and still hangs out with me sometimes.

"I am not sure she was telling the truth but I do want to believe her."

The handsome actor was left devastated after 300lb Max passed away at home while the actor was promoting his movie The Good German.

Max, who had suffered from partial blindness and arthritis, had lived with George for 18 years and the pair often shared a bed.

The 48-year-old hunk regularly took Max to interviews and photo shoots and joked it was his longest-running relationship.

George said shortly after Max's death: "He was as old a pig as the vets had ever seen. He was a big part of my life. It's strange how animals become a big part of your family. They really become a big issue with you."

The Hollywood star vowed never to get another pig following the loss of the pet he affectionately called 'Max the star'.

(Disclaimer: this is NOT an original report by Faking News and has been reproduced here without permission from some apparently reliable news websites like this one. The only motive for posting this news report is to expose those sinners, good-for-nothing bullshitters and enemies of India who had mocked Bollywood superstar Amitabh Bachchan for having arranged a symbolic wedding between Abhishek Bachchan and a Tree as Abhishek was manglik. Thank God Big B did that a couple of years ago or those rascals would have accused our beloved superstar of copying Clooney.)

Bureaucrat accused of sodomy was receiving piles treatment?

2009-06-19T19:42:00.011+05:30

Bhopal. The curious case of unbuttoned pants of an IAS officer has taken another bizarre turn. Gyaneshwar Patil, CEO of a Bhopal district panchayat, who was inexplicably caught on camera in a semi-nude condition in his office last midnight, now says that he was receiving treatment for piles when mediapersons stormed his office and shot his pictures without his pants on. Earlier Mr. Patil, who was accused of sodomy by Sikandarabad Village Panchayat Secretary Satish Chaukse, had claimed that Chaukse was trying to blackmail him and tarnish his image.

“I was shamed and mortified after shameless journalists caught me pants down. Out of embarrassment I told things which I didn’t mean. The truth is that I am suffering from painful piles and Chaukse had claimed that he knew some exotic remedy that could cure even the most complex cases of piles. That night I stayed back late in the office to get treatment from Chaukse. Finally he arrived around midnight and asked me to take my pants off and come along with him in the bathroom so that he could examine me closely. I didn’t know I was falling for a trap, but I believed him as I desperately wanted to get rid of this painful swelling.” Patil told.

Patil has requested Chief Minister Shivraj Singh Chouhan to revoke his suspension order and help him get some medical help. He has also demanded that quacks like Chaukse and journalists, who seized his pants and tossed to each other, should be arrested and punished. He accused journalists of pushing him in a very uncomfortable position causing him to speak all wrong things out of embarrassment.

“In Indian subcontinent, you are made to be ashamed of your misfortunes. Even a great cricketer like Shoaib Akhtar was made fun of because he was suffering from genital warts. That’s why I was very uncomfortable when journalists asked me all kinds of questions. I couldn’t tell them my medical problems. Our society needs to be more sensitive towards people suffering from such diseases.” Patil requested people to be more considerate.

After this new twist in the tale, the Madhya Pradesh Government has ordered composition of a medical committee that will examine Gyaneshwar Patil and all other IAS officers for possible cases of piles. A government statement requested officers not to trust quacks and desist from receiving treatment in government offices. The government has refused to revoke the suspension order of Mr. Patil till the committee submits its report.

But the alleged victim of sodomy Satish Chaukse has rubbished the claims of Gyaneshwar Patil and denied having any information or knowledge about piles in general or Patil’s medical conditions in particular. He also refused the charges that he trapped Patil into taking his pants off.

“Why would I work as a Panchayat Secretary for a low salary if I had any special information on treatment of piles? I would have made a killing through medical practice as I’m sure there are lots of sore assholes (sic.) around. This is just a ruse by Patil to divert attention from the real issues.” Chaukse claimed.

Report on Maoist violence in Bengal submitted in lorem ipsum text

2009-06-18T19:42:00.003+05:30

Kolkata. In an important development that could give rise to a major political and lingual controversy, the West Bengal government today submitted a report written in lorem ipsum text to the central Home Ministry. The report was supposed to contain a detailed account and update on the law and order situation in the state after reports of bloody confrontations between Maoists and local villagers came out in the public. Officials in the central home ministry are surprised and shocked to get the report.

“How are we supposed to make sense out of it and take the required action to control the violence? There can be only two interpretations of this act – either the state government didn’t bother to write the report at all and has just sent us a document template with the dummy words written on it, or the local government is not interested in having a meaningful dialogue with the center on such a serious issue – both of these possibilities are dangerous for the unity of the country.” Union Home Minister P Chidambaram fumed.

But the West Bengal government officials have denied these charges. The state government in fact has blamed the center of behaving in a narrow-minded way and not cooperating to control the violence.

“Congress has lost all courtesies and willingness to work in a diverse environment after having won so many seats in the general elections. The victory has gone into their head and now they want everyone to speak their language only. Lorem ipsum has a meaning and one needs to apply some brains to understand it. These great words symbolize power to the people and Congress must learn to accept and respect people’s movements.” West Bengal Chief Minister Buddhadeb Bhattacharya defended the report and accused the center of not doing enough.

Explaining his stance, Mr. Bhattacharya argued that the lorem ipsum text enables the proletariat, which is normally not very fluent in linguistic skills due to lack of education, to create impressive documents and presentations without having to fill it with floral or scholarly language. Therefore the text works as a great leveller disallowing the unfair advantage available to the bourgeois due to private education.

The Chief Minister further informed that henceforth every government official in the state would use the lorem ipsum text to communicate. Meanwhile latest reports coming from Lalgarh region of West Bengal suggested that fresh violence had erupted there between Maoists and villagers. The state government is soon expected to issue a statement, most probably in the lorem ipsum text, on the law and order situation, asking the central government to take the necessary steps.

Lazy man wants to file I-T returns through facebook updates

2009-06-16T23:30:00.008+05:30

Hyderabad. Garmee Gupta, a very lazy man working for an MNC, wants to file his annual income tax returns using modern technological tools like facebook status updates or twitter tweets. Garmee, who hates to come out of his room and has made his company arrange for a workstation there itself, is planning to launch a mass agitation from within his room to force the government into accepting his demands.

“This is ridiculous. The UPA government claims it represents the young India and is with the aam aadmi (common man), but what is it doing to prove it? A young common Indian has to run from one office to another and gather a heap of documents even to pay money (taxes) to the government. The government should take all the trouble in gathering information and documenting them if it wants money.” Garmee told Faking News.

Mr. Gupta wants the I-T department to make either a facebook or a twitter ID.

“I-T department can have a twitter ID and start following all of us young Indians. We would declare our earnings through tweets and the department can analyze and archive the data. If that sounds too cumbersome, the department could have a facebook page where we would put the required information regarding our earnings, savings etc. on the wall, if those lazy fellows don’t want to follow our status updates on facebook as well. We can even upload scanned documents on the facebook page wall if the government really wants to pain us and asks for proof.” Garmee expounded his proposed action plan.

Garmee has sent a memorandum to the government and asked them to implement his plan within two weeks failing which he’d start a mass agitation by making facebook groups, orkut communities and various public blogs. Garmee has asked all like minded individuals to support him in his endeavors. Garmee was too lazy to give our reporter his contact details, where ~~lazy~~ like minded individuals could contact him.

Dhoni’s love songs CD recovered from English team

2009-06-15T02:59:00.010+05:30

Lords, England. An investigative team of Faking News probing India’s exit from international T20 world cup has found scores of CDs from members of English team. These CDs are titled “my love songs” and have pictures of Indian cricket captain MS Dhoni on them. They seemed to have been distributed by the Indian telephony company Aircel. It should be noted that English team had defeated India yesterday causing India’s exit from the T20 world cup.

The CDs were recovered when Faking News sneaked into the dressing room of English team while they were celebrating their victory over India. English team had an immaculate plan to contain Indians and they succeeded in it, causing our team to get over-curious to analyze the causes of the defeat. Our team was mighty surprised to find these CDs as Aircel has no operations in England yet.

But it seems these CDs have got nothing to do with Aircel as later on we found out that West Indies team, which beat Indian team a couple of days ago, too possessed similar CDs. Aircel doesn’t have operations in Caribbean as well. Why are these teams listening to Dhoni’s love songs?

“Members of both these teams might have got these CDs while playing in the IPL last month. But it’s still enigmatic how these CDs might have got a role to play in India’s defeat. England and West Indies both had similar strategies to contain Indian batsman. Could it be possible that they got ideas from these CDs?” our chief investigating officer Jasoos Vikram wondered.

The CDs have contemporary romantic songs from various films from India. The Hindi songs CD starts with a song called Rehna Tu (Don’t change and be the way you have been) and ends with Jaane Kyon (God knows why).

“I am clueless about these CDs and India’s losses as well. God knows why the Indian team didn’t change their batting style from the way they batted against West Indies.” Jasoos Vikram further wondered.

Porn star poses in clothes to protect animal rights

2009-06-14T19:17:00.004+05:30

Las Vegas, USA. Renowned porn star Jenna Jameson has surprised everyone by posing fully dressed, covered from head to toe in clothes, to send out a strong signal to the world against cruelty to animals. Jameson wore fur to highlight the plight of animals that are killed by human beings to cover themselves. The event was organized by FALTU (Fur And Leather Things Unlawful) activists.

“I wanted to show how meaningless it was to have fur on your body. Why butcher animals and show their skin when the mankind takes notice only when you flash your own skin? I am confident that people would take notice and stop wearing fur from now on.” Jenna told Faking News.

This is first time when someone has posed in fur to oppose wearing fur. FALTU activists claimed that the event was the most important step ever taken to protect animal rights. But experts have differing opinions on whether such activism would have better impact than earlier occasions when celebrities posed in nude to campaign for animal rights.

“This is definitely a shocking and novel way to register protest but I’m not sure if people would stop wearing fur after this. Yeah, the Google search volumes for Fur, Leather, and Jenna surely would go up.” designer Kapda Kapadia told.

BJP leader wants Salman Khan to lead the party

2009-06-13T20:46:00.026+05:30

Ranchi. The problems for BJP after their defeat in the general elections are refusing to go away. After various leaders and strategists questioned the sluggish response of the party and called for a more focused vision and strategy, voices are now being raised to change the party leadership. A senior leader from Jharkhand is believed to have recommended the name of Bollywood actor Salman Khan as the party president and prime ministerial candidate for the next general elections.

“We have learnt all bad things from congress like lack of intra-party democracy, sycophancy and tolerance for corruption in public life, and that has caused us to get defeated in the elections. It’s time we learn the good things from them like making a minority member prime ministerial candidate. Sikhs are to Congress what Muslims are to BJP.” the leader is believed to have argued.

The choice of Salman Khan was backed by factors like acceptance among youth, acceptance among the RSS cadre, and previous relationship with the BJP. Salman Khan is believed to have scored well on all these factors.

“Salman is still young as compared to our present leaders. He holds Ganpati Puja at his home despite being a Muslim and RSS members like it very much. And he has campaigned for BJP in the past. I don’t think we can get a better candidate to lead BJP out of the present electoral crisis.” the BJP leader told Faking News in an exclusive chat.

The rebel leader also argued that by making Salman Khan the president of BJP, the party would also get the much needed mask, as was suggest in a Faking News report a few days back. The leader further argued that just like Congress performed better even in the Sikh majority state of Punjab, BJP will do better in the Muslim majority state of Jammu and Kashmir after Salman is made the party chief.

“If Salman Khan ends up marrying Katrina Kaif, who is half Kashmiri, I don’t see any reason why BJP can’t win elections in Kashmir.” the leader quipped.

CBI gives clean chit to pigs in Swine Flu case

2009-06-13T10:10:00.001+05:30

New Delhi. Cell Biology and Immunology (CBI) department of AIIMS has given clean chit to pigs in Swine Flu cases across the world. The department has found out that the present outbreak of Swine Flu has got nothing to do with any swine i.e. pig, as no confirmed case of transmittance of H1N1 virus from a pig to any human being has been registered till now. The group has heavily criticized media for maligning pigs by calling the disease ‘Swine Flu’ and has suggested replacing the term by ‘American Flu’.

“This is really shocking. The disease started in American continent, especially in Mexico, among human beings and spread to other parts of the world through human beings only, still the media called it ‘Swine’ Flu! Not a single pig is down with this flu; in fact farmers are worried that their pigs might get this flu from human beings. The world owes an apology to pigs.” CBI press release told.

The disclosure by CBI has been welcomed by pork-eaters and pig farmers. Farmers have asked the government to take steps so that pigs don’t get flu from men. Government has been unable to provide any information as there has been a confusion among Ministries of Agriculture, Animal Husbandry, Health & Nutrition, and Rural Development for taking full responsibility for prevention and cure.

The confusion got even messier with involvement of Ministries of Information & Broadcasting (I&B) and Information Technology (IT). While I&B ministry is supposed to tell the Indian news channels and newspapers to stop using the term ‘Swine Flu’ form now onwards, IT ministry got a fax from Health ministry to install an AntiVirus for H1N1 virus.

Such inaction and confusion by the government has come under sharp attack from opposition parties with the main opposition party BJP accusing the UPA government led by Congress of conniving in a conspiracy to malign pigs to appease those who think pigs are unclean and eating pork is sin. Congress has rubbished BJP’s claim and has hit back by asking what BJP did when cows were maligned through mad-cow disease.

Apart from BJP, communist parties too have accused the government of being a party to an ugly conspiracy, although the left parties didn’t think it a conspiracy to appease pork-haters. Communist parties believe that the latest disease was called ‘Swine Flu’ instead of ‘American Flu’ to save the name and fame of the USA. Communist parties have decided to start a mass awareness campaign against the UPA government’s servile attitude do the USA.

Man spots cheating wife on Google Earth

2009-06-12T18:51:00.004+05:30

New Delhi. A man has filed a case for divorce after he claimed that he saw pictures of his wife cuddling up to a stranger on Google Earth. The man, Shaqqi Usman, was searching for directions to a girls' hostel on Google Earth Pro when he spotted the satellite images of his wife Wafaa Usman in arms of an unidentified man. Shaqqi claims that images are clear and crucial proof of his wife’s adulterous character.

“I was shocked to see the images and I immediately printed the images before they could be superimposed by new ones. Court should ask Google to provide other details about the pictures so that erring wives like mine are brought to book.” Shaqqi told after filing the case in Delhi High Court.

Court has issued summons to Wafaa Usman and Google’s India office in the case and has deferred the hearing for another six months and twenty three days. But it seems Shaqqi could be in trouble for making this novel use of technology. His wife Wafaa has accused Shaqqi of using pirated version of Google Earth software.

“He doesn’t even earn a paisa. The household expenses are being taken care of by me and I am even paying for his internet bills. He downloaded pirated version of Google Earth without my knowledge and now he has come up with this ridiculous accusation. I’d sue Google for privacy if Google doesn’t sue him for using pirated software.” an angry Wafaa told Faking News.

A statement from Google India has tried to downplay the whole situation and has refused to confirm if it would sue Shaqqi Usman for using pirated version of Google Earth. But the company categorically denied that Google Earth infringes on privacy rights of any individual.

“The degree of privacy of an act performed by a person in open or public space is debatable. Google respects privacy of a person as we don’t even read the content of emails on our server.” the statement by the company read.

‘Kalavati’ replaces ‘Web 2.0’ as millionth word

2009-06-12T02:41:00.006+05:30

Houston, USA. The Global Language Monitor today reversed their early decision to include ‘Web 2.0’ as the millionth word to enter the English language. Global Language Monitor, which uses a mathematical formula to track and measure the frequency of words and phrases in print and electronic media, revealed that ‘Web 2.0’ was pushed to the second spot by ‘Kalavati’ when they included words in broadcast media and public speeches. Kalavati also beat ‘Slumdog’ in the race.

“It was brought to our notice that spoken words in broadcast media and public speeches must also be taken into account while including a word in any language. We thought it a sensible thing to do and took into account all oral occurrences of different words for the last one year. To our surprise, an underdog and little known word ‘Kalavati’ from India beat all the other favorites.” President of the Global Language Monitor Mr. Bolna Halke informed.

‘Kalavati’ has been included as a noun as well as an adjective in the English language.

As a noun, Kalavati has been classified as a ‘common’ and ‘uncountable’ noun and defined as ’a person who is wretched and vulnerable despite being exposed to influential and powerful bodies’.

“You would end up being a kalavati by taking admission in that MBA institute.” was one of the sample uses of the one millionth word of English language as a noun.

As an adjective, Kalavati has been classified as ‘predicative’ and ‘absolute’ adjective and defined as ‘condition of being left desolate and disillusioned after experiencing a promising beginning’.

“It made me kalavati when I found out that the agricultural land I had bought was completely barren.” and “The girl, kalavati after being cheated by her boyfriend, decided to commit suicide.” were sample uses of Kalavati as the latest adjective of English language.

Shahrukh in first gay Bond movie?

2009-06-11T00:12:00.011+05:30

Mumbai. Bollywood actor Shahrukh Khan could figure as the first 'Bond Guy' when British secret agent James Bond turns gay in the next movie, sources say. The rumors about Ian Fleming’s world famous spy turning gay has been doing rounds since the latest James Bond actor Daniel Craig had expressed confidence a couple of years back that fans would accept James Bond in a gay scene.

It was also believed that an Indian actress could play the role of the next Bond Girl, with Slumdog Millionaire actress Freida Pinto being the latest frontrunner, but it seems that Shahrukh Khan has beaten all the girls in the race to become Bond’s love interest. Sources say that by casting Shahrukh in a gay Bond movie, the producers have accomplished a masterstroke as the move could take James Bond movies’ appeal to two new groups – Indians and Gays.

“For long they have talked about Bond turning gay or an Indian playing Bond’s love interest, this is a beautiful way to realize both of the aspirations of the fans. I think the movie would be a sure shot success, though it will be difficult to tell the deciding factor of the success i.e. whether an Indian lover or being gay helped Bond. This would be one of the g(r)ay areas.” noted film critic Pan Pasand told Faking News.

Sources say that the Gay Bond movie would have Daniel Craig playing the lead role and could be titled one of these – The Man with the Golden Bum, The Spy Who Shoved Me, For Your Thighs Only, The Girl is not Enough, or Never Gay Ever Again.

Shahrukh Khan was not available for comment on the news, but another Bollywood superstar Amitabh Bachchan questioned the decision to cast Shahrukh in the movie as he thought that Abhishek Bachchan or John Abraham were best suited for the role after they played gays on screen in Dostana, a movie no less sensitive about gay issues than Milk. Mr. Bachchan called it a typical white mentality to disrespect domestic talent and thrust their bias upon Indians.

But Indian fans and Indian gays are happy over the possibility of seeing Shahrukh Khan in a Bond movie, and told that they would definitely visit multiplexes whenever the movie is produced and released and make it a mega hit.

Women’s reservation might encourage sex change operations: Study

2009-06-10T18:56:00.000+05:30

New Delhi. A study undertaken by Faking News Intelligence Group (FNIG) has revealed that many Indian leaders might go for sex change operation to bypass the women’s reservation bill provisions, whenever it becomes a law. The bill provisions for one third of the parliamentary seats to be reserved for contest by women candidates only, and it has met sharp opposition from many members of the parliament in the past.

The study was conducted through personal interviews of existing and potential leaders of the country and vital inputs were solicited from lawyers, doctors, and mathematicians. The study reveals that there is 99.53% chance of a person undergoing sex change operation from being a man into being a woman to take the benefits of reservation or to salvage one’s parliamentary seat.

“Reservations based on one’s gender are vulnerable to be misused. Just like reservations based on religious basis can encourage religious conversions, reservation based on gender basis can encourage sexual conversions.” FNIG report noted.

The report suggests that the qualification of being a ‘woman’ must be properly and comprehensively defined in the bill before it is passed. The report advocates setting up a Central Bureau of Identification of Gender (CBI-G) for issuing ‘sex certificates’ to the candidates willing to make use of reservation provisions.

“CBI-G must award such certificates of being a woman only to persons who have been a full functioning woman for at least the last fifteen years continuously. The guidelines and parameters must be made highly stringent so that people undergoing deliberate sex change to misuse the law fail in their nefarious designs.” the report suggested.

Leaders like Mulayam Singh Yadav, Sharad Yadav and Uma Bharti have welcomed the findings of the FNIG report and have cautioned government not to push the women’s reservation bill in wake of the new findings. These leaders claimed that they stood vindicated in their conviction that the women’s reservation bill was a conspiracy and an ill-thought bill.

But women’s rights groups have criticized these leaders and rejected the finding of the report, accusing the Faking News group to be full of male chauvinist pigs, who could as well be responsible for cases of Swine Flu in the country. They have asked the UPA government to direct CBI to look into the matter and ban Faking News if the organization doesn’t take back the report. They have also demanded Pagal Patrakar to be removed and replaced by some Pagli Patrakarin. Faking News rejects such accusations upfront.

But some women’s rights group have came in support of Faking News group and have welcomed the findings of the report, although they don’t agree with the suggestion of the FNIG report to make the definition and parameters of being a woman too stringent.

“I guess it would be a welcome development if men undergo sex change operations. We have just too many men around today. The sex ratio of our country is skewed badly and is causing all sorts of problems. If the FNIG report is true, finally we can see more women being born, who were otherwise denied birth.” Roop Kanwar, a women’s right activist opined.

Bappi Lahiri arrested for carrying excessive gold, blames Rahman

2009-06-09T13:24:00.008+05:30

Mumbai. Disco King Bappi Lahiri was detained here by custom officials at international airport on charges of carrying more gold than allowed and not having declared its possession in advance. Most of the gold he carried was worn as chains, bracelets and other embellishment by Bappida, apart from a few gold lemons, flowers and toothbrush in his handbag. Bappida has been sent to judicial custody but his lawyers have approached the court for a bail.

“This is ridiculous. Why should Bappida declare something that has been known by the whole world? He is called a golden man even in foreign countries, do the custom officials don’t know it? Furthermore, he has traveled in all that gold many times by now, why didn’t they arrest him then? This is clearly a conspiracy against our client.” Mungeri Mafatlal, lawyer of Bappida argued.

While the lawyer was circumspect in blaming anyone, Bappida openly blamed musician A R Rahman for conspiring against him and bribing the custom officials to arrest him.

“Rahman is jealous of my growing popularity, he had to do such a thing is real pity. He might have won an Oscar by error, but I’m going to win a Grammy by this year. You think he gave you Jai Ho, but I had given you Ramba Ho. I might have been cheated, but I will not be defeated. Remember, I’m the golden man, you’re my golden fan.” Bappida told our correspondent while being taken away by the officials.

When contacted by Faking News, A R Rahman or his representatives refused to comment on the development, giving rise to speculations that all is not well between the two musicians.

Osama addresses the gay world

2009-06-08T17:07:00.006+05:30

Tora Bora, Afpakistan. Al Qaida president Mr. Osama Bin Laden has delivered a speech specifically addressed to what he described as the ‘gay world’. The organization claimed that it’s an attempt to reach out to homosexuals living in different parts of the world, who are under the false impression that Al Qaida is inimical to them. Al Qaida sources termed the speech as a ‘message of peace’.

“Al Qaida is not at war with the gays. If anyone of you thinks we don’t like homosexuals, someone has given you false information. We don’t hate gays, but we just have our own views on sex.” Osama declared, requesting homosexuals to contact Al Qaida officials for more information and interaction to clear the misconceptions.

It should be noted that in the past, numerous instances of gay bashing by groups like Taliban, which are considered a part of the Al Qaida network, has given rise to the widespread belief that Al Qaida doesn’t like gays and lesbians and advocates penalty for them, even capital punishment on times. But Osama declared such beliefs ‘unfounded’.

Gay leaders worldwide have reacted cautiously to the speech. While many of them welcomed the step, the skeptics among them declared such speeches mere a ‘lip service’ till Al Qaida improves its records against gays. Some gay thinkers and journalists also questioned the terminology used by the Al Qaida men.

“What do they mean by reaching out to the gay world? Do they mean to suggest that there are no gays in Al Qaida, and they live in a different world? If they think so, they are living in fool’s paradise. I think there are a lot of similarities between a gay and an Al Qaida guy. Both like to screw people who are similar to themselves.” leading gay columnist of San Francisco Times Allton Peter told.

Meanwhile Obama administration has ridiculed the speech by Osama and has cautioned people against such gimmicks by the most wanted terrorist of the USA. A government press release has assured gays of protection of their rights within and outside the USA, and has urged them not to lean towards Al Qaida after Osama’s speech.

BJP needs a mask to revive itself

2009-06-07T03:13:00.006+05:30

New Delhi. While BJP (Bhartiya Janta Party) is still to start any introspection camp (chintan/manthan shivir) to ponder over the causes of the recent electoral defeat in the General Elections 2009, Faking News Intelligence Group (FNIG) has completed its impeccable analysis for the shock defeat of the party and is ready with the results.

Being a part of the great Indian media, we have decided to make the results public and advice BJP to take some vital steps as suggested by us, failing which they risk facing political death soon. We suggest because we know the best. Period.

But BJP also knows a thing or two. FNIG agrees with the party that it is missing its charismatic leader Mr. Atal Bihari Vajpayee. Vajpayee was famously referred as mukhauta i.e. mask of the BJP by the then strategist of the party Mr. Govindacharya. FNIG couldn’t agree more with that reference in the present times. This is what ails BJP – the party needs a mask.

But the party analyzed the situation wrongly. They distributed paper and plastic masks of Narendra Modi and L K Advani among their supporters for electoral campaign and advertising. Party doesn’t need those kinds of masks. They (the masks) seem so cheap – even a school boy can produce such masks. Seriously.

In fact a school boy named Varun from Pilibhit in Uttar Pradesh did show to the FNIG team how to create such ordinary masks. You just need to download pictures from the internet and click the print button and then puncture some holes here and there to create such masks. It was so simple. They don’t impress people.

The party needs impressive masks. Like the ones superheroes wear – Batman, Spiderman, or even our own desi Krrish. Masks that send a message and convey a character. Without a mask, just like these superheroes, the party will remain ordinary in the eyes of the people and the media.

Although a few people in the FNIG team wanted to analyze the defeat further and rationalize our missing-mask-theory for the areas where BJP won, FNIG thought it a worthless and time consuming act. When these people insisted, we laid them off accusing them of being agents of Sangh Parivar. We strongly recommend that BJP should keep away from such people and start looking for a mask.

Women Reservation Bill gets support through Rudaali

2009-06-06T16:07:00.007+05:30

New Delhi. A group of women have threatened to perform relentless rudaali (professional mourning and wailing) in front of the parliament house if the house doesn’t pass the long pending Women Reservation Bill. The bill aims to reserve one third of parliamentary seats for women and has met opposition mainly from various non-women members of the house since it was introduced for the first time.

The threat to perform relentless rudaali has come as a reaction to the threat of committing suicide by a national non-woman leader called Sharad Yadav. Mr. Yadav had threatened to swallow poison pills inside the parliament if the bill was passed. Women groups threatening rudaali have criticized Mr. Yadav for adopting such means.

“The men opposing the women’s reservation bill are not only denying the basic rights to the women, but they are even taking away our basic means to protest. Threat of committing suicide, threat of not taking food, threat of not talking – all these are means of women for protesting. Now these men are not only systematically seizing these means, but even denying us the compensation in shape of reservation.” Rudal Yadav, one of the rudaali mourning volunteers expressed anguish.

The group has given an ultimatum of 100 days to the central government and the parliament to pass the bill, failing which a relentless rudaali would be started in front of the parliament. Slowly such rudaalis would be performed in different parts of the country as well to protest the killing of the bill by the parliament. The group has called on women volunteers in different parts of the country to organize in the coming 100 days.

Kangaroo accused of attacking Indians down under

2009-06-05T14:34:00.004+05:30

Melbourne, Australia. Amid growing attacks on Indians down under and presumed pressure on the authorities to act tough against the ~~victims~~ culprits, the local police here claimed to have solved the mystery behind the alleged racist attacks. Police and the local authorities think that either one big burly Kangaroo or a group of rowdy Kangaroos were behind the attacks on Indians in recent weeks. Authorities also released a picture of a suspect Kangaroo.

“Our stand has been vindicated. These attacks were not at all racial in nature as paranoid Indian media have been suggesting. The culprits belong to a different species altogether. We will thoroughly investigate the issue and try to arrest these Kangaroos soon.” Melbourne Police Chief Mr. Down Right Rood informed in a packed press conference.

The police and authorities had tough time explaining this rowdy-Kangaroo-theory as none of the victims had claimed that the attackers were of bestial appearance. Even one of the videos showed a group of human looking Australians attacking an Indian in a train. The only thing authorities could say was that they were investigating the whole case and details would be available only after the investigations were over, but they had a ready explanation on why Kangaroos were attacking Indians only.

“Indians are not new to being attacked by animals. Some years back a monkey had attacked many Indians in their own capital city. My research department informs me that Indians worship cows so that they don’t attack them at will. So it was but obvious that Kangaroos chose Indians to attack. Indians must introspect why they are always at the receiving end.” Mr. Rood explained.

Our sources inform that a few researchers have also suggested that this big burly Kangaroo and the Monkey that attacked Indians in Delhi might be blood related. The Kangaroo might have been dumped into Australia for being too violent and criminal by the British government, which ruled over both India and Australia.

While the claims of Melbourne police and authorities were dismissed by many Indians outrightly, some groups suggested that they should wait till the investigations were over before concluding anything. But conclusions have already begun to come out. A few Indians have been petrified over the possibility of existence of self-transforming Kangaroos that transforms into human beings before attacking Indians.

“This is crazy! The government must tell us how to differentiate between those who appear as human beings and those who are actually human beings. My guess is that the transformed Kangaroos must be having proportionally big ears, and that’s why most of the culprits were covering their faces, especially ears, when they attacked Indians. Man, now I have to check everyone’s ears before going near them! This life sucks!” Rahul Sheth, an Indian living in Australia expressed concern.

Meanwhile a massive Kangaroo hunt has been started by the police to nab the jumping culprits. But the search operation by the police might run into rough weather as some Animal Rights activists have denounced the authorities for blaming Kangaroos without having enough proof against them. These activists also suspect a racial bias within the police to have picked an aboriginal animal over other animals as the prime suspect in the case.

EC may use D/L method for counting votes

2009-05-16T01:38:00.004+05:30

New Delhi. Indian voters can hope to get the final figures for the fifteenth Lok Sabha within forty minutes after the counting begins on Saturday. Calling it 'The 20-20 Vote Count', Election Commission of India (ECI) has issued a new formula, which is reported to be similar to the Duckworth-Lewis method used in the cricket matches, to calculate the number of votes in case counting is not complete within forty minutes or is interrupted due to factors like bad weather or bomb blasts.

“We were criticized for holding a month long election, so we thought to hurry up the counting as no one seemed to be in a mood to wait till the final numbers came out. A lot of voters were complaining that they were sick of all projections and exit poll numbers being discussed on television channels and wanted the final numbers to be released as soon as possible. We decided to act fast.” Chief Election Commissioner Naveen Chawla informed Faking News.

There were mixed reactions to the development. While some people thought that ECI should have stuck to polynomial functions due to the political nature of the mathematics involving multi-cornered fights in many constituencies, others thought that the formula used was a step in the right direction.

“I was waiting for the moment when the government formation moved beyond simple arithmetical calculations by the political class. Now we have calculus, trigonometry and statistics playing a part in politics. It’s so cool. Politics is now truly a number game.” Amresh Kumar, an investment banker expressed happiness over the move and congratulated ECI.

Interestingly, all news channels were unanimous in criticizing ECI for coming up with a formula that was ostensibly very difficult to understand. Faking News has learnt that all news channels had grand plans to discuss a lot of number possibilities throughout the day and take as much commercial breaks as possible while counting progressed, but the latest decision by the ECI has ruined their plans. Latest reports suggest that a few channels have invited numerologists to analyze the formula.

Aam Aadmi Ke Badhte Kadam

2009-04-24T16:44:00.001+05:30

New print-cum-tv-cum-outdoor advertisement released by Congress for the General Elections

IPL security measures suspect after dog infiltration

2009-04-20T04:54:00.003+05:30

Cape Town, South Africa. Preparations and arrangement for the second edition of Indian Premier League (IPL) were done within such a short span of time that it even filled its critics with awe. But now some chinks in the armor have started showing up. Floodlights malfunctioned, the official website crashed, and the most shocking part was the security breach by a black dog during the inaugural match of Mumbai Indians vs Chennai Super Kings match.

It should be recalled that IPL was shifted out of India due to security concerns but with this instance of a black dog invading the ground, the worst fears of people have again come alive. Although security officials seemed dogged to take on any security threats, the incident has caused a lot of discomfort to the cricketers and game followers.

“It was a strange dog. It refused to go away. I even tried to throw the ball towards it so that it fetches it and in the process gets caught, but it didn’t do that. Clearly the dog’s behavior was suspect and the incident must be probed. I don’t know if they are interrogating it for further clues.” Chennai Super Kings player Manpreet Gony shared his experiences.

No group has claimed responsibility for the infiltration by the dog beyond the boundary line. Even though match was held up for more than twelve minutes, security officials have ruled out any foul play. But experts believe that the dog could have been a potential bomb or even a terrorist.

“You never know. They can strap bombs on the dog and make it a suicide bomber. Terrorists have done all kinds of things in the past, there is no reason to disbelieve that such a thing can’t happen. This is a serious security lapse and Lalit Modi owes an explanation to the country and the cricketing world.” Bombphat Guha, an expert of terror activities in cricket, told Faking News.

So was it a fidaayeen dog? The scary idea has left deep scars on the psyche of many people who now feel that they are secure nowhere in the world and the world is going to dogs.

“Today it is a dog, tomorrow it could be anything, anyone, ummm.. a cat! Yes, tomorrow it could be a cat. How will security official catch a cat when they couldn’t catch a dog? And god forbid if it’s a rabbit or a deer? We are not safe at all and it all happened because we allowed Indian subcontinent shit to happen in our country.” Darke Marey, a local resident told.

The incident, being called ‘doggate’ by Indian media, has also opened up security concerns of various kinds. The cheerleaders have started feeling insecure about further infiltration of fundamentalist forces on the ground, while some non-cheerleading women have complained that Lalit Modi smiles just too often at them making them feel insecure. Men have also expressed insecurity over Mandira Bedi’s wardrobe and style.

Kings XI Punjab bowler S Sreesanth too has expressed security concerns ahead of his team’s match against Mumbai Indians on 29th April. He believes that outings against Mumbai Indians are always fraught with dangers for people on the field, especially for him. Last year he was slapped and left inconsolable in tears by Mumbai Indians’ bowler Harbhajan Singh, and this year he fears that the canine threat might return to the field again.

Jarnail’s Joota revives Chappell memories

2009-04-08T16:34:00.002+05:30

New Delhi. The whole world was stunned when a journalist called Jarnail Singh threw a shoe (also known as Joota in Hindi) at Indian Home Minister P Chidambaram. People couldn’t believe their eyes when Jarnail stood up and flung the shoe. It was shocking – it was clearly an underarm action – something the whole world thought was never to be repeated again after it shook the civil society 28 years ago.

It was February 1, 1981, and Australia was playing a One Day International cricket match against New Zealand in Melbourne. New Zealand needed to hit a six on the last ball to tie the match. To secure victory, Australian captain Greg Chappell instructed his brother and bowler Trevor Chappell to deliver the last ball underarm. The ball was thrown underarm, almost along the ground, and Australia won the match.

Although underarm delivery was technically legal at that time, the incident caused major controversy and outcry on and off the cricketing field, resulting in underarm action being banned. Underarm action was not seen again until Jarnail Singh rose to throw the shoe, which has now raised the ghost of bad deeds of Chappell brothers. People are also calling it “the Joota-Chappell connection” between the two incidents.

“Congress might have forgiven Jarnail Singh even though he didn’t ask for apology, but New Zealand will never forgive Chappell brothers for what they did in 1981. These brothers brought shame not only to their own country but to the whole game of cricket. Australia must not give them any tickets, lest they fly out of the country and spread such unethical behavior outside.” New Zealand cricket captain Daniel Vettori told in a press conference.

But Daneile Vettori seemed to have forgotten that Australia had already given tickets to Greg Chappell, who flew out of his country to coach India. But his sentiments were echoed by former Indian cricket captain Sourav Ganguly, who also blamed Greg Chappell for having set a bad precedent and demanded that Chappell be arrested for his original sins.

“Jarnail would have been an innocent school going kid when the 1981 incident happened. Clearly that has left a deep mark on his psyche and he committed the mistake of throwing the shoe underarm. Instead of blaming Jarnail, we must identify the root of the problem and address that.” Ganguly demanded.

Meanwhile Jarnail’s Joota act has given rise to fears that the underarm action can become popular again as a tool to secure victories. Authorities have declared that no one would be allowed to get away easily after breaking the rules, even as they let Jarnail Singh go off without registering a case against him.

Unfortunately this purely cricketing incident is slowly getting mired in political controversies as well with a Congress leader called Jagdish Tytler claiming that the action of Jarnail Singh was politically motivated.

Jeans with fingerprint reader buttons launched

2009-04-04T12:06:00.000+05:30

Mumbai. Levi’s has announced arrival of special jeans trousers with fingerprint sensor buttons for the Indian market, especially for the rich and the famous. These trousers will unbutton only by the fingers of the original wearer. The buttons will first scan the fingerprints of the hands trying to unbutton the jeans and will yield only when the fingerprints match with those of the original wearers, which will be recorded at the time of sale.

Levi’s will include this new line of fingerprint reading jeans under the brand ‘unbuttons’, but won’t use the global campaign “Live Unbuttoned” for promotions. The company has retained the now Padma Shree Bollywood actor Akshay Kumar as the brand ambassador, who recently came under fire for indulging in an alleged obscene act while promoting the ‘unbuttons’ brand in a fashion show.

“We don’t want to hurt anyone’s sentiments. Clearly there were many people who didn’t like pants that could be opened by someone else other than the wearer. To stop recurrence of such instances, we decided to launch jeans that would simply refuse to get unbuttoned by someone else other than the wearer. I hope this should settle the controversy now. We request the aggrieved parties to buy our new line of fingerprint sensor jeans.” Levi’s press release told.

But the step has refused to pacify people who thought Akshay Kumar and Levi’s broke the limits of decency by performing the unbuttoning act. These activists and social workers claim that the actor and the company are not only trying to shirk the responsibility, but also trying to leverage a rather shameful incident for their publicity and promotions. The activists have questioned the rationale behind the launch of fingerprint sensor jeans.

“By launching fingerprint sensor jeans, is Levi’s trying to prove that it was just a lack of a technological feature in the jeans that caused that shameful unbuttoning act in public? Instead of correcting their conduct, they are trying to correct the costume. I guess this is the new form of wardrobe malfunction that we are seeing to promote fashion shows and brands.” Sunil Nair, one of the social workers offended by Akshay and Twinkle’s act, told Faking News.

Faking News tried to contact Akshay and Twinkle both to get their reactions but they refused to comment on the issue, although Akshay told that he was happy to see a fingerprint reading jeans and was looking forward to promote it among the Indian youth.

Meanwhile fashion gurus had mixed reactions to the latest offering by Levi’s. Leading designer Saari Kumar ridiculed the idea and claimed that no one will buy such a brand unless it was supplemented with a password feature, but another designer Kameez Khurrana thought it to be a ‘cool’ stuff. Although Khurrana cautioned the wearers that they can get embarrassed and dirty in public toilets if the fingerprint sensors stopped working.

Social thinkers too had mixed reactions. While some of them agreed with protestors and claimed that this was just a stunt to shift the onus of behavioral error from humans on to clothes, others claimed that such products were retrogressive in nature and would be taking human beings to the medieval era of chastity belts.

543 tricksters are on prowl in India: intelligence report

2009-04-03T02:30:00.001+05:30

New Delhi. While the Indian media widely reported about the intelligence report suggesting possible presence of seven pilots and several women in India to carry out terror attacks on Indian citizens during the elections, they ignored the intelligence report confirming presence of several tricksters in India to swindle Indian citizens through the elections. The terror alert was issued by the state intelligence groups while the trick alert was issued by the Faking News Intelligence Group (FNIG).

FNIG report warns Indian citizens of various tricksters on prowl, who are looking to fleece them by beguiling them. The report estimates that currently thousands of such tricksters are moving on the sly, and warns that at least 543 of them could end up successfully tricking the Indian citizens by May end if the citizens didn’t become alert.

The report further informs that modus operandi of such tricksters are only subtly different from the common cheats and frauds found in various villages and cities across the country, especially those who drug and loot poor passengers in trains.

“Just like those common cheats, these tricksters get friendly with their targets and even voice concern on the ongoing loot by condemning other cheats, thus appealing to the conscious of the common man. Finally they dupe the unsuspecting and the unconscious man. While the common cheats vanish after the act, these special tricksters don’t do the vanishing act and instead come back again and again to rip off the unsuspecting citizens.” the report informed.

FNIG report equates such acts of cheating by these special set of tricksters as being no less lethal than terrorism. The report further claims that just as terror attacks are a result of intelligence failure of the government agencies, getting cheated by such tricksters are a result of intelligence failure of a common Indian man.

“A common man demands the government agents to be penalized or replaced if an intelligence failure takes place, but he has failed to penalize or replace his own agents of intelligence even though failures have been happening regularly. He must change his agents of intelligence if he doesn’t want to get duped again.” FNIG report recommends.

Unfortunately the FNIG report did not create such a strong ripple as the terror warning by government intelligence agencies could. Some experts believe that currently a common man is more concerned about him “being” than his “well being” and that’s why he was more interested in the terror warning. But other experts have argued that the lack of interest in the trick warning was due to the fact that the common man has yet not realized the value and worth of the assets being looted by these tricksters.

The myth of bad Taliban

2009-04-02T12:12:00.001+05:30

Lahore, Pakistan. Faking News has come up with another scoop after finding out the reason behind the bitter love affair between Chand Mohammad and Fiza. Our experts have concluded that there is no bad Taliban, giving credence to the belief of many Af-Pakistanis who think Taliban as a pious organization of passionate Muslims. Our experts have discovered that all the recent ‘bad’ terror attacks in Pakistan, e.g. bomb blast in a Mosque or attack on Sri Lankan Cricket team, were false-flag operations carried out by the ISI to discredit Taliban crusaders.

Our investigations started when the US President Obama expressed his willingness to talk to the ‘good’ Taliban for peace in the region. This statement was not met with the usual gaiety and support for the US policy by the Pakistani establishment. Our experts analyzed and deduced that Pakistani government considered the ‘good’ Taliban as a threat.

After further analysis, our experts found out that the administration and power centers of Pakistan have always been in the hands of a few people, mostly coming from the Punjab region, and these people have always thwarted any attempt to wrest powers from their hands. When people from earlier East Pakistan tried to capture power, they were dealt with iron hand resulting in the Bangladesh war of independence.

These people, who are also the brains behind the ISI and run the intelligence agency, could sense a clear and present threat from the ‘good’ Taliban, which was making inroads in various parts of Pakistan. A common citizen of Pakistan seemed to welcome Taliban as the organization of largely Afghani men moved fast southwards and eastwards into Pakistan.

With tottering Pakistani economy and valueless political class, the administration and powerful people of Pakistan feared that the general public of Pakistan might rise in revolt under the leadership of Taliban on lines of the so-called Islamic revolution of Iran. These powerful people saw themselves being pushed out of power like Shah of Iran, and hence decided to paint Taliban as ‘bad’ people in the eyes of a common Pakistani.

With such a mandate, ISI carried out the ‘bad’ terror attacks in Pakistan and blamed it on Taliban instead of India, our experts conclude.

TRP Madness

2009-04-01T00:00:00.004+05:30

(Many newspapers or news channels carry fake news articles on April 1st – All Fool’s Day – to celebrate the occasion. This left Faking News with a big dilemma as we fake the news round the clock, round the year. Hence we decided to carry a rather serious article on this day! Or maybe we just ran out of ideas, but why should we accept that? Anyway, the serious article follows:)

The current mess of television journalism is often blamed upon "the mad TRP race" i.e. the race to show sensational and senseless stuff in name of news just to attract eyeballs i.e. attention of common men and hence their viewership, which translates into high TRP numbers. So is this 'business' of achieving high TRPs against the 'business' of journalism?

Historically news organizations have been running the business of ‘printing and publishing’. The modern journalism is supposed to have started with the Gutenberg press in the fifteenth century, when Bible was printed and made available to the common masses, liberating it from the clutches of the clergy.

The Bible printing press evolved into of a press that printed books, periodicals and finally Daily Newspapers by the seventeenth century. Soon various newspapers were in business all over Europe and America. Journalism was a ‘mission’ as well as a ‘business’.

Many of these newspapers were ‘promoted’ or ‘owned’ by people on a mission – people committed to the ideals of democracy. Even in India, journalism students are taught that modern journalism started with some of the great freedom fighters, including Mahatma Gandhi, starting their own periodicals or newspapers.

So journalism started as a ‘business of selling ideals of democracy’.

These ideas sold. People, the common man as well as the rich and the famous, bought them and they didn’t mind paying a price. The business sustained.

By the end of nineteenth century, some businessmen in the USA could recognize that the massive reach of newspapers made them the most powerful tool of mass marketing and advertising. The term ‘yellow journalism’ came into being a few years after. Profits skyrocketed.

Journalism became a ‘business of selling advertising spots’.

And it gave birth to page-3 journalism, it gave birth to sold out editorial spaces (by cleverly calling it advertorials), and it made the 'mission' of journalism take the back seat and give the driver seat to the 'business' of journalism.

The problem with television news was even more complex. Unlike the printing and publishing business, television business didn’t start with any grand mission of propagating ideals of democracy, revolution or education.

Television had broadly two roles when it started – government controlled mass communication medium or an entertainment medium better known as the idiot box, which attracted eyeballs and sold advertising spots as part of business strategy.

When independent television news channels started, they had the challenge to not take on either of these roles – a government propaganda machinery or an idiot box. While they ‘seem’ to have saved themselves from becoming a propaganda machinery of the government, they are definitely struggling to save themselves from adoption the idiot box business strategy of selling TRP slots.

We have assumed that TRPs almost solely determine the advertisement rates of the television news channels. Higher the TRP values, higher the advertising rates, and hence higher the revenues, causing the business strategy of the news channels to be TRP driven.

We have also assumed that it’s mostly non-serious and non-journalistic television content that attracts higher eyeballs and hence higher TRPs.

Both these assumptions are not completely unfounded. Television advertising rates depend heavily on TRPs (although not solely) and people tend to watch more of entertainment and non-serious content on television, because television remains a very important medium of entertainment.

Could these two factors be changed?

The first one (making television advertising rates a lot less dependent upon TRPs) would require a change in the market dynamics of the television advertising industry, while the second one (people start preferring serious television content) warrants a radical social behavior change or mass arrival of a completely new and personal medium of entertainment making television an ‘intelligent box’.

Obviously the change in market dynamics of the television advertising industry seems more feasible than hoping to radically change the society or entertainment mediums.

Television advertising industry has three major players – the rating agencies (who calculate and release TRPs), the media planners (who interpret these TRPs to price advertising spots), and the advertisers (who spend money to buy these advertising spots).

All these will have to mutually agree to come up with a formula where some other factor is given equal importance alongside TRPs while pricing the television advertising spots. For example, the rating agencies could ask common television viewers to rate television news channels on some ‘credibility’, ‘neutrality’ and ‘objectivity’ index and media planners factor these ratings while pricing advertising spots.

Yes, I am proposing that television adverting spots should have ‘quality’ (public perception) too apart from ‘quantity’ (eyeballs and reach) to offer.

And it’s not an outlandish or too idealistic a proposition. In outdoor advertising, subconsciously or otherwise, advertising spots have surely a ‘quality’ attached to them. If you are driving on a highway, you won’t find a billboard at a spot that could be considered an eyesore by the passing people, even though the ‘eyeballs’ (traffic on the highway) remain constant all across.

Therefore the major players of the television advertising industry will need to be convinced that advertising on a news channel, which is considered to be frivolous or irresponsible by common people, is like putting up a billboard near a stinking heap of waste on a highway. So an advertiser is advised to look for a ‘better’ spot. It seems a bit difficult, but not impossible.

The first step towards the above solution warrants that there should be a public rating to calculate and evaluate parameters like sincerity, seriousness, credibility, neutrality and objectivity of different television news channels, just like there is currently the TRP scale to calculate and evaluate the channel reach. Will it happen? Let’s see.

(The full (and even more boring) article is originally published here)

Answer to Tata Nano, Ford launches $500 car

2009-03-31T19:46:00.002+05:30

Dearborn Michigan, USA. Ford Motor Company President & CEO Alan Mulally announced their latest offering in the automobile sector – the $500 passenger car Ox-Ford. Ox-Ford is inspired from the original “Ford Model T” and it is a low emission carbon neutral vehicle. The announcement came even as Obama administration announced interim loans to rescue the troubled auto industry.

Ox-Ford would be powered by a bullock in the front, and thus reduce the American dependency on foreign oil, something that the American consumer and administration would want. Experts believe that this factor could be used by the government to justify the use of taxpayers’ money to rescue the car makers.

Though initial plans have been kept secret, the prototype model would be 0.285 horsepower and would accelerate from 0 to 60 ft/min in under 2 hours. Fuel consumption is expected to be 10 miles per bushel of hay. There are rumours that a sportier twin engine car would come out soon.

Also the car is available in any colour as long as its black, keeping in mind the grand tradition of oligopoly enjoyed since the time of its founder Henry Ford with its very own Model-T.

Ford spokesperson said it is also expected to have significantly lower CO2 emissions though sceptics say that the reduced emission claim is a load of bullshit, as there would be greater methane emissions due to incessant farting, not to mention urine leaks which would be nearly as bad as engine oil leaks in American cars.

As for exporting the vehicle, initially it is only planned for local sales in Detroit, due to shortage of bulls in the area. Also keeping in mind President Obama’s “Employ American” directive, only American bulls would be employed, quashing rumours of importing Indian bulls, who have a bigger hump and are experienced in pulling bullock carts therefore more suited for the job. Right now the H1-B visa wouldn’t be available to the Indian bulls since the Detroit Auto industry is availing of the “bail-out” package from the US government.

Back home, many people claimed that Ford was trying to do a Tata by announcing a low cost passenger car and might soon flood Indian markets with Ox-Ford. When Faking News correspondent contacted Ratan Tata, the Chairman of Tata Group, he declined to comment specifically on Ford, but said that there was no threat to Nano from American car makers.

(the report has been submitted by Pravasi Patrakar after intense analysis of international auto sector)

Indian Netaji is the new face of Joker

2009-03-28T15:01:00.005+05:30

New Delhi. After an Indian actress was chosen for being the new face of Barbie doll, Indians have got to take pride in yet another international recognition from the global society. DC Comics has announced that an Indian politician would be the new face of the Joker of Batman series. Taking lessons from the confusions and tensions between Aishwarya Rai and Katrina Kaif on who was the latest face of Barbie doll, DC Comics has announced that the face of Joker would not resemble any identifiable Indian politician.

“Joker has been one of the most enigmatic and secretive negative characters in the world history. On some occasions he is criminal, cruel or sadistic, while on other occasions he is just ridiculous and funny. Over a long time we have tried different personalities to play the role of Joker, giving the Joker varying appearances. But our team has finally decided that nobody but an Indian politician fits the character of the Joker best.” DC Comics press release informed.

The decision by DC Comics has been widely appreciated by Indians and they feel that India in now truly becoming an international superpower.

“First Slumdog Millionaire, then Barbie doll, and now Joker – I feel so proud. Also, this is for the first time an Indian politician has brought us such a pride. Even a Pakistani politician couldn’t get his face on Osama dolls. I hope soon we have the Netaji Joker toys in the market. I just can’t wait!” Janta Sharma, a common Indian citizen told.

But the political class had mixed reactions to the news. Politicians belonging to different parties have declared that they will welcome the move only if the Joker was given an identifiable face from a rival party.

“We always knew Lalu Yadav was the ultimate Joker. They should have put Lalu’s face on the Joker. It doesn’t make sense to give the Joker a general face of Indian politician.” Bihar Chief Minister Nitish Kumar told Faking News.

Our sources inform us that the next Batman movie will include the Netaji Joker character. An Indian actor could play the role of Joker, auditions for which would soon start in different cities of India. Samajwadi Party leader Amar Singh, who recently acted in a movie, is tipped to be the hot favorite to play the role, though Mr. Singh denied any such possibility.

In the possible plot, Netaji Joker would be a common jobless Indian who would fall into a container full of currencies, weapons and toxic waste and would come out with bleached khaadi clothes and big blood-~~thirsty~~-red lips. There would be a slight difference with earlier Jokers of Batman series with the Netaji Joker having his khaadi attire whiter than his face.

But there would not be much of a difference with earlier Jokers on other counts, for example Netaji Joker's victims too would include innocent and unsuspecting men, women, children, and even his own henchmen. In the movie, Netaji Joker would raise an army of lawyers, journalists, policemen, businessmen, and criminals to subjugate common people, who would wish that Batman came and rescued them.

The movie has been titled “Waiting for Batman” and a formal announcement would be made on April 16, 2009 by the producers.

Marathon kid Budhia has started running again

2009-03-26T20:00:00.004+05:30

Bhubaneswar. Budhia Singh, who made a world record three years back by running continuously for 65 kilometers at a tender age of just four years, has started running all over again. Budhia had tried to run continuously over 70 kilometers, from Lord Jagannath's Temple in Puri to CRPF Group centre in Bhubaneswar, before doctors and the government stopped him from running further. It’s not yet clear why Budhia has started running again and this has given rise to many speculations.

A lot of people think that Budhia has got inspired by the success of the movie Slumdog Millionaire and the subsequent treatment given to the slum dwelling actor children of the movie, so much so that Congress, the largest national party of India, ended up asking those kids to campaign for the party in the elections. Budhia has spent his childhood in slums and experts believe that he was unhappy with him being ignored by political parties and media while talking about real life stars from slums and while chanting “Jai Ho”.

“I think he has every right to feel aggrieved. Even though he made a world record, he didn’t get the same treatment as the Slumdog stars are getting. He was not even made a brand ambassador by any health drink. Now he must have sensed an opportunity with the election fever catching up in the country and wants to reclaim his status of being the original child star from the slum.” Dharmendra Yadav, an expert on Indian elections told Faking News.

Budhia is not at all talking to media and has been running since Thursday morning continuously. When our correspondent tried to get his reaction on the above speculation, he just muttered, “no comments”, giving further weight and credence to the speculations that he was running for elections.

Faking News has learnt that with the news being reported by media, various political parties are now trying to reach Budhia’s family to get political endorsements from him. Congress wants to add another feather to its cap by capturing yet another slum kid to its fold, while BJP wants to have at least one partner in Orissa after BJD dumped it to join left parties.

Our sources also tell us that while Congress would like Budhia to run with his palms up (a display of empty hands) so that the election symbol of Congress is communicated, BJP would want Budhia to keep on running around Lord Jagannath's Temple for days and days to communicate respect to the Hindu faith. Both parties want to reach out to the youth of India this way, our sources inform.

Elections for Kashmir will be held in Ireland

2009-03-23T17:35:00.002+05:30

Srinagar. The Election Commission of India (ECI) has decided to hold the parliamentary elections for Jammu and Kashmir (J&K) Lok Sabha seats in Ireland. This has been done after the J&K state government expressed inability to provide foolproof security for elections in wake of the ongoing volatile incidents in neighboring Pakistan. The ECI had the option of either shifting the elections until after situation in Pakistan became normal, or carrying out the elections under the supervision of limited security forces, but it surprised everyone by its decision.

“We were not sure if situation in Pakistan will ever become normal. And to add to that, we expect a lot of political uncertainty all over India after the General Elections 2009 results come out. That would have further made it impossible to hold elections in Jammu and Kashmir. After a lot of internal deliberations and external consultations, we thought that it was best to hold the elections elsewhere.” ECI commissioner Naveen Chawla informed.

Sources confirm that Indian Premier League (IPL) commissioner Lalit Modi too was consulted by ECI before this decision was taken. ECI refused to tell the exact location where elections for Jammu and Kashmir would be held causing widespread speculations. While most of the mediapersons thought that it could be held either in England or South Africa, Faking News has learnt from its reliable sources that the elections would be held in Northern Ireland.

“There were very few areas in this world where elections for Kashmir could have been held. Although many people in Kashmir, who otherwise don’t participate and vote in elections, would have wanted the elections to be held in Palestine, Indian government would have never agreed to that. The next best option was Northern Ireland and I guess the government will have no problem with that. All these speculations about England and South Africa are rubbish.” one of our sources in ECI leaked us the information.

The decision attracted a lot of criticism from different quarters although the political parties seemed to be happy with it. According to reports coming in, Mehbooba Mufti and Omar Abdullah have already started preparations for traveling and campaigning abroad. Hurriyat parties too, for a change, have expressed interest in traveling, though they were tight lipped about campaigning or taking part in the elections. But all these leaders criticized the Indian government as they couldn’t get clear information about the embassy they should approach for getting visa of Northern Ireland.

Meanwhile critics and social activists have called the whole process a travesty of democracy. A couple of social activists have threatened to go to courts to stop ECI from holding Indian elections abroad. But a few of the experts thought this was always on card.

“First they shifted Indian movie shootings to abroad venues. Then they shifted IPL matches. After Bollywood and Cricket, it was but obvious that Politics was next in line, and it has happened now. I won’t be surprised if Religion, another favorite pastime of Indians, is also shifted abroad. So watch out, next Amarnath Yatra could happen in Timbaktu.” Prem Pujari, a social thinker, opined.

Taliban accepts Plant Psychology, bans haraam vegetables

2009-03-21T20:10:00.005+05:30

Swat Valley, Pakistan. Taliban has declared that Plant Psychology, a rather disputed field of study under Plant Physiology, is compatible with its own version of Islam. After researching and ~~vegetating~~ investigating for decades, Taliban scholars have finally concluded that plants and vegetables have life and they react to physical and psychological stimuli i.e. plants don’t only feel pain and agony, but they can even hate you for mistreating them.

“Subhanallah! This is a tight slap on the face of infidels who have been calling us backward and enemies of modern science. Our wise men have been able to conclude what the kaafirs couldn’t even comprehend. Inshallah, now we will spread the light of our knowledge everywhere.” Taliban chief Maulana Mushroom Azahar declared from a mountain top.

But this ‘discovery’ by Taliban has caused them to issue a rather quirky command for the whole Muslim world, which has been already implemented in the swat valley. Taliban scholars have concluded that since plants and vegetables are as good as animals now, halaal or the prescribed method of slaughtering, will apply to plants and vegetables too.

“With this new information bestowed upon us by Allah, it’s beyond doubt that chopping or cutting of vegetables is as good as slaughtering of an animal and hence the current style of vegetable cutting is haraam. Muslims all over the world are indulging in this sin unknowingly, but now that we have shown them the true path they must reform themselves or will have to face the wrath of Allah.” Mushroom Azahar warned the gathering and asked his supporters to behead anyone chopping vegetables in jhatka style i.e. cutting the vegetables into split pieces in quick succession.

This new command is reportedly causing a lot of inconvenience to local population, especially to the housewives, who now have to spend almost the whole day preparing food. Women have to first swipe vegetables with a sharp knife without splitting it into two or more pieces, and then wait till the moisture or natural juice of the vegetables have dried up considerably before cutting them into separate and smaller pieces. Women have been unable to do anything else other than cooking food since the command has been implemented in the valley.

Restaurants in the region too have been seeing huge backlog as they have been unable to meet demand for vegetables from people. Such developments have caused everyone in the area to spend more time on food preparation and consumption, but not many are complaining.

“After they banned playing football, watching television, and going to school, we had a lot of free time and we didn’t know what to do. Now all of us are busy cutting and chopping vegetables. I guess they have done a nice job.” Assif Zardari, a local resident told our reporter.

Crow Party of India launched, to fight elections

2009-03-19T21:15:00.009+05:30

New Delhi. Taking a cue from the huge success of Rhinoceros Party of Canada, Pagal Patrakar, the Managing Editor of Faking News, has launched Crow Party of India, the latest political party of India.

Although the party name could be abbreviated to CPI, Pagal Patrakar has decided not to use this abbreviation as this could lead to confusion between Crow Party of India and Communist Party of India, causing supporters to vote for the wrong CPI in coming elections. Crow Party of India would be simply referred to as “Crow Party”.

Crow Party workers will be referred as cro(w)nies or cronies. Each crony will solemnly declare his or her steadfast support and submission to the motto of Crow Party that “crows everywhere are equally black”.

“We strongly believe in equality of everyone and crows were the best symbol to represent it. You can tell the difference between an Indian dog and a German dog, but I bet you can’t tell the difference between an Indian crow and a German crow. This makes sure that no crow is ever discriminated for his or her origins, and Crow Party believes in this policy.” Pagal Patrakar, the chief crony told.

Crow Party also released its manifesto for the General Elections 2009 and declared Pagal Patrakar as its prime ministerial candidate. ‘Fairness’ will be the key electoral issue of the Crow Party, promising every group in India a fair treatment. Some of the highlights of the election manifesto of Crow Party are as follows:

To declare Comic Sans MS as the official font of India.

To install a king size wax statue of a Crow over the Indian Parliament.

To create a new department for upkeep of the crow statue, especially shielding it from pigeon droppings.

To create a Terrorism Ministry where terrorists can directly interact for future attacks and negotiations.

To transfer J&K (Jammu and Kashmir) to USA on a 99 year lease.

To make various new States in rest of India and declare President’s rule in all of them.

To make Sheryl Crow the President of India.

To provide reservations in educational institutions and jobs on the basis of skin color.

To link all mountains of India by dumping all industrial waste in a series of hillock looking heaps.

To color Taj Mahal in crow black, the to-be-declared national color of India.

To provide speedy justice by having Courts on railways.

To have a national award for bribery (Red & Black Bribery Award).

To ban farting in public. Public places will have designated farting zones.

To penalize violators of Newton’s Laws with capital punishment.

To declare Darwin’s Theory of Evolution as being consistent with 20-20 Cricket rules.

To levy heavy taxes on people having slow strike rate in limited over Cricket.

To change the name of Pakistan to Mohenjo-Daro.

To declare keeping a pet crow compulsory for each Indian, those who express inability to do so will have to pay a monthly royalty to the Crow Party.

To write a personal article related to each Indian citizen in Wikipedia.

To allow voting by telepathy for busy professionals, housewives, and youth.

To allow merger and acquisitions in religions. People of one religion would also be able to buy or borrow gods or prophets from the other.

To donate a Swiss Card (Credit Card from Swiss Bank) to all jobless Indians. Their payment will be met from Indian accounts in Swiss Bank.

To declare April Fool’s day as national holiday and abolish all other holidays.

To imprison producer and directors making bad Bollywood movies for 25 years. Government will take over the Box Office.

To list Gandhiji’s spectacles and slippers on Wall Street for active trading after forcibly retrieving it from the current owner.

There are many other promises that have been made in the Crow Party manifesto, which claims that the party will change the shape of India forever and for good, if given a chance to serve the citizens.

“All these issues are very relevant and very vital for each Indian citizen and unfortunately no other political party has a comprehensive solution to any of these issues and problems. They only work to make these problems worse. Crow Party is the only alternative.” Pagal Patrakar made a strong pitch for the coming elections.

Crow Party would be soon soliciting candidature from willing cronies to fight elections from all Lok Sabha seats of the country. Willing people can offer their candidature as a reply to this report on Faking News as well. The party will simultaneously launch an aggressive campaign in major cities of India to promote Crow Party and its policies.

One of the initial campaigns of the Crow Party will be to distribute sensuous movies and literature among voters to titillate them. Pagal Patrakar denied that it was any cheap mean to attract attention.

“All the politicians are causing division in the society. People are dividing themselves along ethnic lines. By distributing sensuous works of art, we are pushing people towards multiplication instead of division.” Pagal justified the move.

UPDATE: Due to growing popularity and support for Crow Party among the common masses, a separate platform for cronies have been created. Please join the Crow Party and help India become a political superpower. Click here to join.

Who will become Prime Minister of India?

2009-03-19T21:05:00.003+05:30

New Delhi. Faking News has finally decided to take off the polls to find out worst Hindi and English News channels of India as the data was not showing any different trend for many weeks now and the positions of different news channels seem to have been more or less fixed. The earlier report on the worst news channel of India stands updated and the poll is declared closed now.

But what polls should replace them? Of course politics, after all general elections are coming! With inputs from our special correspondent Chhuchhundarbaba, we have started two new polls –

1. “Who will become the Prime Minister of India?”

L K Advani

Manmohan Singh

Mayawati

Pagal Patrakar

Me, I too have a party

2. “Who do you think has maximum support?”

Casteist parties

Communal parties

Communist parties

Corrupt parties

Crow Party

You can see these polls from now on at the bottom of the homepage of Faking News and voting will continue till May 31st 2009. We want to categorically deny that it is any kind of opinion poll using scientific data, which can influence people’s decision to vote in the actual elections, and hence the Election Commission of India’s ban on opinion polls doesn’t apply to us.

Pole dancing declared an Olympic sport

2009-03-17T03:07:00.007+05:30

Paris, France. The International Olympic Committee (IOC) has decided to include “pole dancing” as an Olympic event in 2012 London Olympics, and has hinted that it could become a regular event thereafter if it received favorable reactions for the first time. Pole dancing would be categorized as a gymnastics event and would have seven rounds for each participant, apart from the heats (qualifying rounds).

“Pole dancing has ceased to be just a striptease and has come out of the topless bars. Today it is widely acknowledged as a performing art. IOC thought to take note of this shift in the nature of the act and give it a new platform by recognizing it further as an Olympic sport. We have decided to admit pole dancing as one of the sporting event in London Summer Olympics.” IOC chief Rogue Jackson informed.

IOC has set up a committee to finalize standards for the pole dancing event like attire of the dancers and height and radius of the pole. A general consensus was reached among the committee member to have hollow poles for the event, but sharp differences existed over the substance to be used to make the poles. While some members favored stainless steel poles, others were strongly in favor of bamboo poles.

Even as the IOC is busy finalizing the finer details of the proposed event, a controversy has already started brewing in the international sports community over the move. Initial reports suggested that China had objected to the move calling it an American conspiracy to inject ‘winnable’ games in Olympics to push up its tally.

“USA was stung by what happened in 2008 Beijing Olympics. They couldn’t digest China coming on top and now are using such cheap tactics to introduce games that only Americans play. China will not let it happen.” Chinese Olympic Association chief Kud Fand told Faking News.

But Mr. Fand was soon silenced by the Chinese establishment, which called the outbursts of Fand as ‘premature’ and ‘knee-jerk’. Our sources tell us that China is pressurizing IOC to finalize bamboo poles for the event and the government has already set up a bamboo pole manufacturing unit in its bamboo giving province of Tibet. Our Chinese correspondent was jailed when he tried to get the official reaction over this issue. Later in the day, the Chinese premier’s office issued the following press statement:

“The rumors that China is trying to earn business out of pole dancing event are baseless, malafide, and treacherous. We are supporting pole dancing event as such events can go a long way in attracting today’s youth, who has been fast losing interest in Olympic sports. A bamboo will just help in molding the taste and preferences of today’s youth, as has been our national practice.”

Not only China, but other countries too have expressed reservations over this controversial move of the IOC. Many countries have criticized IOC for lowering the standards and shameless commercialization of games. Muslim countries have especially taken exception to the development. They have declared that they will not take part in the poll dancing event and their citizens would boycott all such events. Some groups in Pakistan have threatened to blow all pole dancers with grenades if IOC didn’t take back its decision.

“We always knew that sports are just a veiled conspiracy to corrupt pious minds. We have seen how female gymnasts and tennis stars are actually nothing but fashion models, now it hits a further low. First they turned my daughter into a pole dancer and now they are conspiring to convert all pious Muslim women into sinful dancers. But soldiers of Allah will thwart any such attempt.” Omar Bakri, leader of al-Muhajiroun group, backed the Pakistani groups.

Many groups in neighboring India too have cried foul over attempts to induct pole dancing as an Olympic sport. The issue has also taken political color as general elections are near in India. The main opposition party BJP has termed the development as another example of failure by the Congress government in protecting national interests.

“Congress could not get the real Indian sport of Kabaddi included even in the Commonwealth Games, while Americans have been able to achieve this. Now instead of promoting Kabaddi, Congress will set up pole dancing schools all over the country. This is an insult to Indian culture and indigenous sports. BJP will not allow any pole dance in the country.” BJP leader Arun Jaitley told Faking News.

Sri Ram Sena (SRS), which came into news for beating up women in a pub in Magalore, also declared that SRS will not allow any pole dancing school or organization to be opened and run in the country. SRS chief Pramod Muthalik told Faking News that he always suspected that all women indulged in shameful pole dancing inside pubs and that’s why his men beat up the women.

But ruling Congress has rubbished all such claims and denied that the party had any plans to start a string of pole dancing schools in the country. The party leaders refused to comment on the issue whether they considered pole dancing to be inimical to Indian culture. Our sources say that the party doesn’t want to create any controversy ahead of the ~~poles~~ polls.

Meanwhile pole dancers all over the world are happy over the proposed move by the IOC and have started preparing for the London Olympics. One of the pole dancers of India, on conditions of anonymity, told us that she can bring an Olympic Gold for India if given a chance. She told that she has upped her tempo of dancing keeping in mind the Olympic motto – Citius, Altius, Fortius — "Faster, Higher, Stronger".

Book authored by an internet bot launched

2009-03-16T15:51:00.004+05:30

Mumbai. “Athrah baras ka main”, a book authored by a bot i.e. an automated software application, was released in a star-studded ceremony here today. The book is written in Hindi and is a work of fiction telling the story of an Indian boy who could freeze the process of his biological and mental ageing at the age of eighteen. The story has been written by an internet bot named i2writev3.1 that was programmed by an unknown software engineer a few years back.

“It’s a wonderful book and a very original story. I guess we need more of such experiments in India to produce quality literature in Indian languages, especially Hindi. I’m tempted to make a movie out of it, let me tell you.” renowned Bollywood director Karan Khan, who was also the chief guest of the book launch ceremony, told Faking News.

The author, being a software program, was not available for the comment, but publishers of the book expressed hoped that this will start a new trend in India and inspire new writers to write books. The book has been published by Sasta Sahitya Sangrahalaya and it retains the full ownership, copyright and distribution rights over “Athrah baras ka main”. The book has been priced at rupees 67.39 rupees per copy.

While everyone present at the launch ceremony welcomed the new book, it also drew serious flak from some critics who slammed the book for being clichéd and non-original. Many experts believed that the book was a rip-off from the Bryan Adams song “18 till I die”, but refused to explain the basis of their belief.

“Such kinds of books have been written, rewritten, and written over again in Hindi for long time now. Hind readers deserve better. Such kind of stuff must not be promoted and encouraged.” Nirmala Neeraj, a Hindi book critic voiced her concern.

Critics also expressed dismay and lack of hope over any possibility that situation could improve in near future. Our sources confirm that the bot i2writev3.1 has been copied by many Bollywood movie producers who want it to write scripts and screenplay for their next movies to save costs in times of global economic slowdown.

Gays get their own political party

2009-03-14T11:11:00.000+05:30

Bengaluru. A new political party has been formed to work for homosexual rights in India. Formation of Bhartiya Samlaingik Party (BSP) was announced here by Gays and Lesbian Association of India. The new party will contest next general elections and field its candidates from all parts of India.

“BSP candidates would not necessarily be homosexuals, but we’d prefer and encourage homosexuals to come out in open and fight elections.” founding president of the BSP Ahmed Anju Iyer told a jampacked press conference.

BSP also declared three central issues around which its political camping will revolve – Abrogation of Section 377 of Indian Penal Code, Formation of a Homosexual Personal Law, and Building a grand mall/multiplex in Bengaluru for central activities of homosexuals in India that will be called Golmall (gays or lesbians mall).

Mr. Iyer also warned that homosexuals would no longer tolerate victimization of their community and disrespect shown to their beliefs. He claimed that homosexuals were the most discriminated against minority group in India.

“How could the central government file an affidavit in Delhi High Court arguing that we are social vice and pervert mind? No minority group has been victim of this degree. The government had withdrawn their affidavit questioning existence of Lord Ram under pressure of Hindus. BSP will form such a pressure group for homosexual rights.” Mr. Iyer explained the political agenda.

Mr. Iyer even threatened that if victimization and criminal branding of homosexuals doesn’t stop, they would be forced to become terrorists. He told that he has come to know of a group that has been formed to present the militant face of homosexuality. The group is called Homosexual Initiative for Militancy in India (HIMI).

When journalists asked whether he was getting into unlawful activities through HIMI and talks of terrorism, Mr. Iyer refuted these charges as baseless.

“HIMI is not directly associated with us and we don’t know who members of HIMI are. It might well be a conspiracy to defame homosexuals, we don’t know. But threat of terrorism looms large. Going by the statements of present leaders in the government, I guess we can safely assume that there is a right to terrorism for a victimized minority group, and some of us may make use of that right.” Mr. Iyer told.

Mr. Iyer was candid enough to admit that absence of a common religion among homosexuals was the main reason why Indian homosexuals have not been able to form a pressure group or carry terrorist attacks. He claimed that recent initiatives by Church in West to have special churches for homosexuals were attempts to convert homosexuals, and at the same time keep them in a ghetto.

The manifesto and constitution of BSP will be released next week and currently the thrust will be to induct new members.

God sorry for creating woman!

2009-03-08T18:09:00.006+05:30

New Delhi. On International Women’s Day, Faking News was shocked to receive an e-mail, apparently sent by the almighty God himself (or herself?), expressing regret for having created woman.

“I shouldn’t have done it. I shouldn’t have created woman. I’m sorry.”

This is all that the e-mail body read. Sender’s display name read as “GOD”, while the e-mail address of the sender read as “undisclosed”.

Our team got the e-mail checked and verified from lawyers, policemen, software engineers, bankers, managers, Bollywood actors, politicians and bureaucrats, but all of them were unable to confirm with confidence that the e-mail could have been a hoax, following which Faking News concluded that the e-mail was from God only.

But this terse e-mail from God has caused widespread confusion and bickering among people on earth. Different groups are interpreting the e-mail in their own way, claiming their respective interpretations as the true representation of God’s will.

Jaish-e-Mardana (JeM), a militant group operating in Swat valley of Pakistan, has declared that God was unhappy with today’s womankind for having gone astray from the true path. The group has warned all women that they should submit to the will of God and stop wearing sinful dresses and reading heretic books. JeM has warned that if woman didn’t mend their ways, they might be forced to behead them to lessen the sorrow of God.

“We always knew that God was sorry for what today’s infidel women were doing. Women were not made to do men’s jobs, else why would have God made women at all? Wasn’t God better off creating more men to do men’s jobs? Women must follow this order from God and start behaving properly. Today God is sorry, tomorrow he’d be angry. We can’t let the world face the wrath of God due to errant women.” JeM chief Mardood Azgar thundered.

Mardood’s sentiments were echoed by some groups operating in India too. Representatives of Stree Roko Sena (SRS) i.e. army to stop women, too have claimed that that God was unhappy with wayward lifestyle of women and was sorry for the same.

“Today women spend more time in pubs drinking wine and talking dirty than at home bringing up children. God is sorry to see such scenes and is so unhappy that he wishes that he shouldn’t have created these debauched drunkards at first place. Our representatives will not let this shameful game go on in the name of liberty. Now we have the blessings from God himself.” SRS chief Pramod Maintalli claimed.

Similar thoughts were expressed by many other organizations too, all claiming their interpretation of God’s terse words as the most authentic and final, threatening each other to kill over the differences. Although the aggression and extremism of such organizations was not backed or matched by them, many experts and sociologists too believed that God had every reason to be unhappy with his decision to create woman.

“History is witness how men had to suffer right from the day God created woman. First she made the innocent man eat the forbidden fruit and be expelled from heavens to earth, and if that was not enough, she brought miseries to earth in Pandora ’s Box. God has finally realized his mistake after seeing ages of suffering man had to go through. Better late than never.” Farren Warrel, a leading Man’s rights activist and a progressive masculinist told Faking News.

But there were many people who completely rubbished all such claims and accused Faking News and other media organizations of blowing everything out of proportion.

“I wonder why Faking News didn’t get the e-mail checked by priests, religious scholars, theologians, or even philosophers. They have solicited reactions and opinions from people who must not dabble in religious matters. This has given undue importance to useless and senseless ideas.” Choam Nomsky, a media critic and linguist, blasted our reporter.

Finally when Faking News asked a few theologians and other philosophers over their take on the e-mail by God, they had a completely opposite view from what was being widely believed by the majority. This was one of the reactions we got –

“God is indeed sorry for women. Who won’t be? Just take a look around and you’d understand. What have men done to this creation of God? She is subjugated, exploited, denied basic rights, humiliated, and even exterminated. God created women because man pleaded for a companion. God obliged, and today God is sorry that he yielded to man’s most devious of the demands.”

BJP buys rights of “Emotional Atyachar”

2009-03-08T00:30:00.000+05:30

New Delhi. After Congress bought the rights of the British-Bollywood movie Slumdog Millionaire song “Jai Ho”, BJP has decided to pay their political opponent in the same coin. The saffron party has bought the rights of all the songs of recent Bollywood hit Dev.D, especially the superhit song “Emotional Atyachar”. BJP would be playing songs of Dev.D during their election campaign to mobilize their supporters and win over youth of the country.

“BJP has always preferred desi (indigenous) over foreign stuff and hence we decided to use songs of a movie which was cent percent Indian. Dev.D was a unanimous choice as its songs were a hit and Indian youth liked the movie. We are going to unleash Emotional Atyachar all over the country (sic.) soon.” BJP spokesperson Prakash Javdekar told Faking News.

Mr. Javdekar denied the rumors that BJP MP and ex-filmstar Dharmendra, who is also the uncle of Dev.D star Abhay Deol, helped the party clinch the deal.

“Dharmendraji has got nothing to do with it. In fact, he wanted us to buy the rights of his favorite film Sholay and campaign everywhere by climbing over water tanks. But our party decided against it, having seen the results of a contemporary use of Sholay by Ram Gopal Varma.” Javdekar clarified.

Experts believe that by using Dev.D songs, BJP is also trying to change its perception of being against pub-going people after some women were attacked in a pub in the BJP ruled state of Karnataka. Gujarat, another BJP stronghold, is already a dry state. With the protagonist of Dev.D being a heavy drinker, BJP is hoping to reach out to pub-going crowd, experts claim.

“After Vijay Mallya bough Gandhiji’s spectacles and slippers in an auction, liquor drinking is no longer seen as an anathema. BJP is trying to shed its anti-liquor image, and thus also getting rid of its anti-Gandhi image in the process. Dev.D is just a tool to achieve these.” claimed Surendra Yadav, a leading pollster often seen on Indian television news channels during elections.

But Congress is least amused by BJP’s move. The party has claimed that BJP is trying to spoil the youth of this country by projecting the Dev.D protagonist, who drinks heavily and consumes opium and drugs, as symbol of today’s youth.

“We want youth of this country to become millionaires while BJP wants them to become drunkards and junkies. But we think the song Emotional Atyachar goes well with BJP. They raise only emotional issues and commit atyachar (atrocities) on minorities wherever the rule.” Congress leader Digvijay Singh quipped, matching Narendra Modi’s sarcastic comment on use of the song Jai Ho by Congress.

As expected, BJP has rubbished all such claims and speculations, and blamed Congress of fooling people of the country by making false claims on success of Slumdog Millionaire and purchase of Gandhiji’s belongings in an auction. The party denied that Dev.D could drive youth to alcoholism.

“Congress is a champion in misrepresenting facts. Dev.D is all about triumph of Indian culture over foreign way of life (sic.) and not about alcoholism. Youth of this country have been shown false dreams of becoming overnight millionaires by Congress and given unemployment in reality. Congress will be rejected by youth of this country.” Prakash Javdekar claimed.

Further riding on the Dev.D bandwagon, BJP has also decided to use a new spelling for the name of its star campaigner Narendra Modi – Mo.D

India's 'spirited' triumph outside Cricket field

2009-03-07T12:24:00.000+05:30

(The image has been created and submitted by chhuchhundarbaba)

Osama’s underwear auctioned for millions

2009-03-06T00:32:00.004+05:30

Swat Valley, Pakistan. A Pakistani billionaire has bought underwear of Osama Bin Laden, regarded as a social reformer in this part of the world, for a staggering 7.86 million US dollars. The underwear, which went under the hammer in the wee hours of Friday, was the last one worn by Osama before he realized that underwears were unislamic in nature. Osama had burnt all his previous underwears but decided to auction the last one, apparently to raise funds for operations to support a global jehad.

Hamid Gul, the Pakistani billionaire who bought the underwear, has declared that he will publicly burn the famed underwear along with Indian, Israeli, American, Russian, Filipino, Australian, British, Danish and Dutch national flags to show solidarity with innocent Muslims being persecuted in various parts of the world. He has offered Indian television channels a chance to buy exclusive broadcast rights to telecast live burning of the underwear.

“I want to send a strong signal to the anti-Islamic people that Muslims would no longer take any more shit from them. Modern underwear is a western conspiracy to tighten the noose around the generative powers of the Islamic race. They wanted to scuttle Muslim population growth. Thankfully Osamabhai could see through their evil intentions and opened our eyes.” Hamid Gul told Faking News.

Sources confirm that Osama might ask local Mullahs to issue a fatwa declaring modern underwears as impure and unislamic practice. Sources further confirm that Osama has already stopped wearing any underwear and has ordered his scholars to find out the Arabic and Islamic equivalent of an underwear, which he should wear beneath his white Arabic robe. A mass bombing of all underwears, whether with or withough human bodies, might take place in Swat valley in coming days.

A sizeable part of the Pakistani media has criticized Hamid Gul for spending such a big amount of money for buying a stuff that he ultimately intends to burn. Various commentators expressed shock and dismay at the development, suggesting that such a substantial amount of money could have been alternatively spent to improve tottering economic condition of Pakistan.

Some experts also believe that the auction was just a hogwash, and the real motive of the event was to provide monetary support to Taliban and other forces active in Swat valley in wake of the global financial crisis. A few of such commentators suspect the Pakistani establishment to have provided money, got from USA as economic aid, to Hamid Gul.

Bu such commentators have come under fire for their ‘unreasonable’ and ‘irrational’ comments. Many religious and political leaders have demanded that the underwear auction should not be unnecessary linked with ‘imaginary’ issues like terrorism and economy. They have suggested addressing the real and the vital issue instead – whether it is indeed unislamic to wear a modern underwear.

Call identification courses to be introduced in Pakistan

2009-03-05T16:21:00.005+05:30

Lahore. The terrorist attack on the Sri Lankan cricket team has exposed various vulnerabilities of the Pakistani establishment and police. One of the critical and dangerous shortcomings identified among the Pakistani establishment has been an inability to detect hoax calls. It’s believed that right from the President Asif Ali Zardari to a city policeman of Lahore is suffering from this shortcoming.

It should be recalled that Pakistani President Zardari had allegedly received a threatening phone call after Mumbai terror attacks. The hoax caller had identified himself as India’s foreign minister Pranab Mukherjee. Pakistan was put on a high alert following the hoax call and people all over the world feared that India and Pakistan could enter into a nuclear war. Fortunately nothing untoward happened.

But things turned out to be rather unfortunate this Tuesday when a hoax call led the Lahore police to change the route of the bus ferrying the cricket team of Sri Lanka. Police didn’t ascertain the veracity or the identity of the caller and changed the route, which caused the bus to be ambushed by terrorists, leading to death of security persons and injuries to Sri Lankan cricketers.

Now Pakistani authorities have realized that the inability to analyze anonymous and hoax calls have started to prove fatal to them, and hence they have decided to make each person of Pakistani establishment to go through a course on telephone call identification. A team of trainers from USA, hailing from AT&T Bell Laboratories, are expected to reach Pakistan later this month to start the training and development modules.

Exclusive interview with Masakali of Delhi-6

2009-02-28T00:00:00.000+05:30

Old Delhi. While every news channel was busy interviewing Abhishek Bachchan and Sonam Kapoor for the recently released movie Delhi-6, Faking News decided to interview the real artist of the movie – Masakali, the pigeon. The marketing managers of Delhi-6 had approached us to carry out interviews of Abhishek or Sonam, but we decided otherwise. This is the second time we are foregoing humans to interview a pigeon, as we truly believe in bird rights.

We caught up with Masakali when she was having golgappa and chaat in Chandni Chowk (now known as Delhi-6). Initially she refused to talk to us as she was very upset and unhappy with the amount of chili powder used by the chaatwala, but after persistent requests Masakali agreed for an exclusive interview. Following are the highlights of the interview:

Faking News (FN): Thanks a lot Miss Masakali for talking to us. The movie has received good reception on box-office, are you happy?

Miss Masakali (MM): Yes, I’m happy. The movie’s success is a message for producers and directors to cast more birds and animals. Remember, apart from me, kaala bandar or the Monkeyman is also there in this movie. People want to see more variety and new faces now.

FN: Yes, true, all pigeons must be very happy too. You can as well launch a party of pigeons and contest the coming general elections like actors in South India! he he he (our reporter tried to act smart ass).

MM: First of all, I’m not a pigeon, I’m a dove (Masakali showed how smart our reporter actually was) and I have no plans to become a politician. I’m just too white for this gray job, which is best rested with humans. Even the pigeons don’t like politics, they are notorious for dropping bird-crap on statutes of politicians, so I guess politics is out of question. Thanks for the appreciation though.

FN: Did you have to prepare especially for this role or it came naturally to you?

MM: I was playing a dove, so it came naturally to me. But this shouldn’t typecast me. I can play all kinds of roles given a chance. In fact just yesterday I got an offer by Farah Khan to play a romantic lead opposite Shahrukh in her next movie where SRK dies and is reborn as a pigeon in his next life.

FN: Wow! So are you signing that movie?

MM: I am yet to take a decision, but I want do films that could win Oscars. I hope Danny Boyle takes notice of me as he likes to make movies on Indian birds and animals. I heard that his movie on slumdogs of India has won him many awards.

FN: All the best for that, you definitely would get noticed as the most popular song of the movie is dedicated to you. Last time when a dove was cast in a movie (Maine Pyar Kiya) they had referred to her as Kabootar, but not this time. But tell us, why do directors always cast doves instead of pigeons?

MM: Although you should ask this question to the producers and directors, I’d try to give you an answer. As I see it, there could be only two reasons – firstly, pigeons crap too much. Can you imagine Sonam putting a pigeon on her head while dancing? She could have got a bird-dropping anytime over her face or hairs, doves don’t crap that often. Secondly, and I guess more importantly, doves are preferred over pigeons because we are fairer in skin color. We are white and they are brown. Indians are known to prefer white complexion over brown.

FN: Do you think there should be a quota for pigeons in Bollywood?

MM: Oh no! I hope humans don’t thrust their sense of fairness and equity over we pigeons. I now dread that your politicians would make the brown pigeons hate us white doves, and make them feel as if the doves were taking away their rights of acting, when in reality it’s the humans who are perpetrators of this discrimination. I would be more than happy if brown pigeons are cast in the movies, but I don’t think quota is the way. Humans have to change their mindset.

FN: Delhi-6 touches upon problems of communalism, casteism, social harmony, and other aspects, but it doesn’t talk about bird rights. Do you think Rakeysh could have done a better job?

MM: sigh! Okay, I will ask Rakeysh to make a movie on this theme next time. Till then, can you please enjoy and critique this movie for what it is, and not for what it is not?

FN: Do you have a boyfriend?

MM: Do you have a life? (flutters her wings furiously) dude, I don’t appreciate such personal questions. Maybe I have not grown into a true celebrity. Perhaps to answer your questions, I need to become more popular and attend some MTV shows or take part in Big Boss 3. So excuse me with such silly questions for now.

FN: You are very short-tempered. Were you so since your egghood?

MM: (laughs) Sorry for appearing so, but my aunty says that I should show some tantrums when talking to media persons. She says it will help me in the long run.

FN: One last question, when do you think the economic slowdown in India will end?

MM: I wonder why you guys (journalists) ask all right questions to wrong people. People like you make Bollywood actresses appear silly when they declare Nepal as a part of India, refer Republic day as a ‘holiday other than Independence Day’, and identify Sonia Gandhi as the ‘first lady of India’. I am not going to fall for the bait!

FN: Very smart! Okay, so the last question finally, where do you see yourself five years down the line?

MM: Hopefully as an unchanged and stronger symbol of world peace, in a world not torn by strife. Those are my only hope and pray.

Faking News: Wonderful Miss Masakali. It was indeed nice talking to you.

Miss Masakali: My pleasure!

Bangladeshi immigrants threaten to go back home

2009-02-27T13:34:00.000+05:30

Mumbai. Bangladeshi nationals, allegedly staying illegally in various parts of Mumbai, have threatened to go back to their country if safety and economic conditions didn’t improve before the general elections. These immigrants are disappointed by recent terrorist activities and economic slowdown witnessed in India, and are feeling ‘cheated’.

“We came to India thinking Pakistanis can’t attack us here and we will earn more money than in Bangladesh. Now it seems Pakistanis can attack any part in India and even the money is fast vanishing. Everything is so costly now. We might have to go back to our country which seem to be doing better at this moment.” Muziburuddin Sheikh, a Bangladeshi immigrant, told Faking News.

These Bangladeshis have formed a group Bangladeshi Bachao Congregation (BBC) and are planning to meet political leaders to register their complaints and worries. BBC leaders claim that almost after three decades since they came to India, Bangladeshis have grown to a level where they can influence politics and policies of India. BBC is banking upon broad-minded and like-minded groups to back them.

BBC has found support from some leaders of Samajwadi Party and Congress, who termed their stay in India and their demands as ‘legitimate’. These leaders have assured members of BBC of better times ahead and asked them not to worry too much.

“UPA Chairperson Sonia Gandhi has already declared that petrol and diesel prices would come down further, and the country is secure after we declared new anti terror steps. These poor Bangladeshis must not worry. They are in safe hands.” Samajwadi Party leader Abu ~~Hamza~~ Azmi told.

But BJP and Shiv Sena have called the demands ‘outrageous’ and have pledged to defeat the nefarious designs of Bangladeshis. They have castigated Congress and Samajwadi Party for playing vote bank politics and aiding infiltration of anti-nationals into the country.

“This is ridiculous. These pests are the real reason why Pakistanis can easily attack us and why we are getting poorer. We would oppose their demands tooth and nail. They would never get a secure and prospering India so that they can breed happily.” Shiv Sena leader Sanjay Raut told Faking News, though he declined to comment if his party’s strategy was to achieve an insecure and inflationary environment to bamboozle the Bangladeshis.

Meanwhile the new government in Bangladesh, led by Sheikh Hasina, has declared that these Bangladeshis staying in India won’t be taken back as the country already had too many of them. A government official has advised BBC to go to Assam or West Bengal if they didn’t get enough support in Maharashtra, but not to even think about Bangladesh.

Unruly protestors disrupt IIM placements

2009-02-26T23:08:00.003+05:30

Ahmedabad. A bunch of protestors barged into the campus of IIM Ahmedabad during the final placements process today and caused the process to be stalled for over four hours. These people, claiming to be members of a little known outfit called Mandi Bhagao Andolan (MBA), which literally means ‘movement to oust recession’, accused IIMs of creating an unfavorable economic scenario in the country. MBA activists have threatened to disrupt the placements again at IIM Ahmedabad and other leading business schools of the country if the placements were not stopped.

“These guys are taking away all the jobs when less and less jobs are available in the market. This will cause even more unemployment and worsen recession. Any self respecting unemployed youth of this country can’t let this shameless process of job grabbing to go on unchecked. If the government doesn’t stop IIMs from committing this loot, we would set things right.” Arjun Singh Muthalik, the spokesperson of MBA, justified the disruption in a press release.

But students of IIM Ahmedabad were not very impressed by this show of strength. They have filed a case in the local police station and asked for protection for the remaining days of the placement process, which gets over within a week.

“Last month some people had come to our campus accusing us of causing the recession, as they thought that global investment banks collapsed due to students like us who worked there. We thought that funny and idiotic, but now this is degenerating into serious threat. We don’t feel safe anymore, even recession couldn’t scare us so much.” A second year student of IIM Ahmedabad told us on conditions of anonymity.

No arrests were made in this connection till reports last came in. In fact, representatives of 'National Commission for the Unemployed' (NCU) have asked the local authorities not to make any arrests in the case. NCU members feel that while the mode of protest by MBA members was ‘a bit naughty’, the ‘root cause’ of the problem must be addressed.

“The students of IIMs have to show compassion for other students in this country who are battling bad times. Our country believes in social justice and IIMs can be no exception to it. Also, it’s the responsibility of the IIM administration to provide security on the campus, not of police.” NCU chairperson Nirmal Venkat told Faking News.

Meanwhile a group of concerned citizens, who were outraged by this disruptive activity by MBA members, have called to send pink slips to Arjun Singh Muthalik. They have created a website to solicit pink slips from all people who were recently handed out the same by their employers.

Slumdog Millionaire changes the Indian society

2009-02-26T21:37:00.000+05:30

Mumbai. The popularity of British movie Slumdog Millionaire, widely confused to be an Indian movie by the innocent Indians, is taking shape of a craze and fad now. After the movie won 8 Academy Awards, widely known as Oscar awards, every Indian has become a fan and follower of Slumdog. Indian slum dogs, also frowned upon as stray dogs till yesterday, are getting respect and love never seen before in the Indian society.

People were seen cleaning and feeding slum dogs in many parts of the country. Many people queued up to buy or adopt these slum dogs, which inspired a few unemployed investment bankers to open a trading house for slum dogs. These bankers turned dog-sellers changed the names of most of the slum dogs into English ones before putting a price tag on them.

“I have just bought a female dog named Lassie, she is so cute even with the fleas on her left ear. My friends living in London are now jealous of me and are asking me to send them pups of Lassie, whenever they are born. I feel so important.” Sourav Roy, a resident of Colaba, told Faking News.

The movie has also given a chance to the forgotten MNS leader Raj Thackeray to come back to mainline politics. He claimed that his pet dogs James and Bond were actually slum dogs, and if he was a millionaire today, it was all due to those canine friends, and not corruption, as was the case with leaders from Bihar and Uttar Pradesh.

Raj Thackeray also advised Indian companies to start promoting slum dogs instead of foreign breeds of dogs in their marketing campaigns. His polite request, denial of which would have attracted polite protests from his supporters, was quickly accepted by Mobile telephony company Vodafone, which changed its trademark Pug with a Slumdog.

Many experts believed that Supreme Court’s decision to stay the Bombay High Court verdict allowing municipal authorities in Maharashtra to kill stray dogs was also inspired by the success of the movie. Faking News tried to contact Chief Justice to get an opinion but we were threatened with the possibility of getting sued for contempt of court, so we dropped the idea and effort.

The sudden fascination of Indians with slum dogs has also created ripples in the online world, with netizens debating the causes and effects of it. While the effects were visible everywhere in the society, the causes remained elusive. While some people maintained that Movies, along with Cricket and Politics, were the greatest influencers on the Indian psyche, some people blamed it on the slavish mentality of the Indians.

“It shouldn’t be a matter of surprise or research. Indian society is known to acknowledge the merits of anything desi (domestic) only after firangs (foreigners) have acknowledged the same. It happened with Swami Vivekanand, it happened with Mahatma Gandhi, and now it’s happening with Slumdog.” Vijay Dinanath Chauhan, a famous sociologist, commented about the trend on his blog.

Whatever be the reason, the saying “every dog has its day” has come alive with the success of Slumdog Millionaire.

India concerned over attempts to appease terrorists of Sri Lanka

2009-02-25T21:08:00.002+05:30

New Delhi. India's ministry of external affairs is learnt to have rented all conference halls in New Delhi for an indefinite period. Indian diplomats from all capitals are being summoned for multiple conferences. The main agenda will be to deliberate on Asia's longest-running civil war in Sri Lanka, which may be nearing its end.

It was a curt statement by Robert Wood, acting spokesman of the US State Department, demanding “immediate end to the hostilities” that triggered the frenzy of diplomatic activity. The stern statement by US comes close on the heels of the European Union’s endorsement of the latest cease fire offer from Liberation Tigers of Tamil Eelam.

The offer from the designated terrorist organisation – the only one in the world possessing its own fledgling Air Force – followed a daring suicide attack on Colombo. 'Black Air Tigers', wearing cyanide-capsule pendants, flew the full length of Sri Lanka to expose its vulnerability before crashing two planes in the capital.

When asked for his comments, Foreign Minister Pranab Mukherjee said, “There should be no compromise with terrorist organisations like the Taliban. Islamabad's deal with Taliban is a matter of concern.” When reminded that it was Northern Sri Lanka that was under the discussion and not the Swat Valley, the minister retorted, “What difference does it make? Moreover, I am Finance Minister again after a long gap of 25 years and have to concentrate on economy (of words).”

Mr. Mukherjee informed that India will provide radars and technicians to Sri Lankan Air Force to crush the terrorists. Foreign Secretary Shiv Shankar Menon explained the rationale behind the step as being a part of India’s foreign policy, which always favored establishments over rebels, and favored crushing any rebellion with force.

He cited the example of the strong backing India gave till the last moment to King Gyanendra’s regime in Kathmandu, which the Maoists led by Prachanda ousted last year. Same was the case with Kabul in 1996, he said. President Najibullah had the full fledged support of New Delhi till the moment he was hanged in a street corner. His wife and three daughters were even provided asylum.

New Delhi has promised to Colombo the same type of support. On the face of it, the Sri Lankan government has been maintaining that the rebellion has been “almost finished”. President Rajapakse has even planned to open concentration camps for the 2 lakh Tamils. They have been herded, through aerial bombing and heavy artillery, into a small corner and are awaiting final assault. But LTTE has declared that they will keep fighting for Tamils.

The EU has stressed that the conflict could not be resolved by military means, adding that the military defeat of LTTE may lead to an uncontrollable humanitarian crisis. That may lead to non-conventional strikes from air and sea that may be even more deadly than Mumbai terror attacks. But India begs to differ. Pranab Mukherjee has assured Sri Lanka on being provided intelligence inputs to deal with such eventualities as India has now become an expert in receiving such attacks. Mukherjee insisted that LTTE must lay down their arms.

New Delhi feels LTTE is not justified in completely ignoring the emerging superpower in the neighbourhood and instead addressing its offer to countries like US, EU, Japan and Norway, with a copy of it to Reuters. An MEA spokesperson regretted that not a single neighbor of India was mature enough to appreciate its foreign policy based on Nehru doctrine.

To deal with this lack of maturity among the neighbors, the government was organizing multiple conferences. After the series of workshops and briefings next month, IFS honchos will return to their embassies and mount a campaign to educate the respective governments on how to deal with rebels and unfriendly minorities.

(This special news report has been brought to you by chhuchhundarbaba)

Indian man puts up his integrity for sale on eBay

2009-02-21T01:30:00.000+05:30

Hyderabad. A software engineer with an MBA degree from a well known institute of management of India has put up his ‘integrity’ for sale on popular e-commerce website eBay. He took this extreme step to raise money for paying back his debt that he had amassed to meet his living standards. But to his dismay, after asking for a minimum bid of 7000 US dollars, he hasn’t found any bidder for his integrity yet.

“It’s ridiculous. I had recently read that people were bidding millions of dollars to buy virginity of a girl from California. Why are there no buyers in my case? Is existence of integrity among men doubtful as compared to virginity among women? Or does this world value virginity more than integrity?” wondered Malinga Raju, the willing seller of his integrity.

This is the first case of its kind on eBay where people have tried to sell strange things to the world on earlier occasions. Raju had placed his offer under ‘Antiques’ section of the website apparently to attract higher attention and bids, but Raju differs.

“I don’t think integrity is any antiquity. I was in a hurry to post my offer and ‘Antiques’ section was on top of all categories arranged alphabetically, hence I placed my offer there. There is no manipulation and misrepresentation here.” Raju clarified.

Raju further informed that if he doesn’t get any buyers for his integrity, he would place a new offer in some other category and on other e-commerce websites. Although he hoped that after a report on Faking News, he would get some suitors. Raju’s inability to get a buyer for his integrity has also puzzled many economists.

“We have to see it from the point of view of supply and demand. A demand has to be backed by a need and purchasing power. If there is no demand for integrity today, it means that either there is no need for integrity in today’s world or integrity is seen as prohibitively priced in this case. In my personal opinion, integrity is not needed today.” noted economist Amar Singh told Faking News.

Amar Singh got very upset when our reporter asked if his statement meant that integrity was a non-existent entity and no one had any integrity in today’s world. He vehemently denied saying so, accusing our reporter of being a stooge of his economic opponents. He explained that integrity was not needed as everyone already has plenty of it; he cited his own example as a proof.

Google to launch applications for terrorists

2009-02-20T17:55:00.000+05:30

California, USA. Google Inc., the leading service provider in online domain, has announced its intentions to launch various applications for terrorists. The applications range from search engines to find possible terror targets to a social networking website exclusively for terrorists. The move is seen to exploit the trend of growing numbers of terrorists, especially tech savvy terrorists, around the world.

“Terrorism is here to stay. We might run out of doctors and pastors, but we would always find terrorists around. It has a global appeal. It’s a growing market, unless aliens or communists get back to earth.” Google co-founder Larry Page told Faking News.

One of the applications to be released has been named as “Google BlownUp”. The application allows a terrorist to draw 3-D models of target buildings and find the right places and strategy to blow them up. The application simulates the actual impact of explosives used and returns the estimated number of casualties.

Realizing that India could be the most lucrative market for its new applications, Google has added some India specific features in its applications such as quick links to Human Rights groups and 'RSS' feeds for getting latest information.

Currently Google is expecting to earn revenue through advertising through these applications. Many USA based companies dealing in arms and defense technologies have already pledged millions of dollars of advertisement to Google for terrorist applications.

Sources say that later Google can introduce higher level of services and make them available on paid basis only. Such services could include search for potential recruits among non-terrorist user base and access to various security agencies’ database. Terrorists would also be able to search for and network with political advocates and religious leaders on pay-per-use basis in future.

“This is a wonderful step by Google. Our work would become very fast and we would be able to carry on our operations much effectively once these applications are launched.” Al-Qaida’s chief marketing officer Al-Billi Mousea told us through an email.

Governments and security agencies around the world are currently tight lipped about the development and are refusing to comment.

Study locates Dawood in Mumbai

2009-02-20T02:08:00.004+05:30

Mumbai. India's most wanted criminal, who is also the biggest enemy of the whole humankind, Dawood Ibrahim, has been located. Dawood could be hiding at a high-security site, hardly 10 km away from Nariman House, the Trident and the Taj, scenes of Mumbai mayhem in November last.

Integrated studies have revealed that the underworld don could be one of the VVIP guests at the Arthur Road prison. The solitary cells of the jail have earlier been home to dignitaries like Sanjay Dutt, Abu Salem and his moll Monica Bedi. This is in contrast to the widely held belief that Dawood has been residing in some foreign country.

The breakthrough has been achieved by a research team of the National Institute of Armchair Generals (NIAG) led by Prof L Vaiththiyanaathan. The veteran strategic affairs pundit has been in the inventing and advising profession since the time of Jawaharlal Nehru.

Vaiththiyanaathan explained that the former Prime Minister, his daughter Indira, and her son Rajiv all had a great vision for international diplomacy by India. Nehru had established NIAG with a mandate to conduct advanced research in the area. This has successfully kept the country's serving Generals, Admirals and Marshals in check.

NIAG is among the 500 odd "institutions of excellence" like IFACFI, IMTNII, CEEEiE and NDIX that are set to join entities like Vishvakarma University, Vaikundh Mahavidhyalay, Mahashakti Rin University to get Deemed University status. Faking News was, however, unable to decipher these acronyms – unlike in case of NIAG – because they have become so popular that even the founders do not remember their full form.

The NIAG research team consisted of experts in multiple specialities such as Tantrics, Astrology, Palmistry in addition to nuclear physics, space sciences etc. The findings about Dawood were based on high-tech astrological surveillance of the mars and Saturn coupled with geographical imagery and data obtained from Chandrayaan, India's very own moon of the real moon.

Earlier, this technique has been successfully used to locate ancient underground and under-sea bridges, which had eluded archeologists and geologists since millennia. Researchers used astrological charts of Dawood's relatives and enemies to discover their planetary movements and incorporated them to suggest about his whereabouts.

The study's real value, Vaiththiyanaathan says, is in combining satellite records of geographic locations, patterns of electricity use and the lifestyle of cops in the area with records of palm-prints and horoscopes for locating fugitives. Dawood's horoscope reveals that he must be enjoying 'Raja Yoga', being pampered by cops, while also showering goodies on them.

The study also makes assumptions that Ibrahim might need -

Sumptuous non-veg meals, requiring a posse of expert cooks.
Security combing a few bodyguards and isolation that requires a high-walled compound.
Jamming equipment to shield from outdoor surveillance through wireless.

Whereabouts of Dawood Ibrahim, the main accused behind most of the extortions, drug-running rackets, bomb blasts and even power-blackouts in India, are considered "one of the most important political questions of our time", the study, reported in the NIAG International Review, notes.

(This EXCLUSIVE report has been brought to you by chhuchhundarbaba)

Shamed by MMS scandal, boy becomes a sadhu

2009-02-19T14:16:00.004+05:30

Noida. An MBA student, who was tricked by his girlfriend into being filmed by a mobile phone, was shocked to see the same mobile MMS clip being circulated all over the country. The MMS showed the 23-year old student accessing porn, and squirming in exhilaration while doing it, from a computer located in the library of the business school. Shamed by this mysterious aspect of himself coming to the fore, the boy has decided to drop out of the school and become a naga sadhu.

According to the other students of the business school, the boy and his girlfriend were rumored to be ‘going around’ with each other. In fact, many suspected them to be having intimate relationship. Our sources inform us that other boys of the school always used to ask this particular boy, whose name we are not disclosing out of respect for his ~~privates~~ privacy, to show them nude pictures of his girlfriend. Initially the boy resisted the idea, but later he thought it to be a 'cool' thing to do.

Our sources further inform us that on that fateful day in the library, the boy asked his girlfriend to do a striptease for him. When the girl feigned innocence and asked what a striptease was, the boy jumped over to the nearest computer and opened his favorite porn sites to show the girl some sample stripteases. The poor guy didn’t know that the impish girl was recording all his movements in her mobile. He got carried away while accessing the porn sites and the girl made a two minute MMS, which is now being transmitted and downloaded immeasurably on the internet.

“This is a disgraceful breach of trust. Women must not be trusted. I would never come near any woman now. I disown even my mother and sister. I am sure all the ignoble women of this world are now sending the MMS clips to each other bringing a bad name to me. And I can’t understand why people want to see the clip? What new does it have? I disown this society as well.” the boy spoke to us on conditions of anonymity after we could break into his room by threatening to publish his name and picture.

The boy has decided to become a naga sadhu now and spend rest of his life away from porn-shooting women and the porn-watching men (according to him). Faking News is hysterically trying to contact the family of the boy and get their opinion on the whole issue, but it seems his family has decided to trick media as we could not find any one on the address mentioned in the school records.

When we asked the local police commissioner if he had filed any case against the girl in this case, he informed us that no one had come forward till date to register any FIR. Interestingly, our sources could not tell us anything about the girl, but we have learnt that some members of Sri Ram Sene are on look out for the girl to bash her up for her immoral deed. Faking News would bring you the latest pictures whenever she is beaten.

India gears up for Drone attack on Taliban

2009-02-18T14:24:00.003+05:30

Drona, Indian version of unmanned and automated warplanes, is set to strike Taliban camps in Swat Valley of Pakistan

Japanese finance minister joins United Breweries Group

2009-02-18T12:15:00.004+05:30

Tokyo, Japan. Japanese Finance Minister Shoichi Nakagawa, who resigned on Tuesday over charges of attending a press conference in an inebriated state, has decided to join Vijay Mallya’s UB Group as General Manager of International Business unit. Sources say that Nakagawa could also act as a brand ambassador for the Mallya’s new soon-to-be-launched brand of rum - “Recession”.

“Spirits should be up (when/with) markets down. Mallya is indianly (sic.) good and I take the job tomorrow. Japan up (mumbles…) I am happy for my men and women. Hic!” Nakagawa explained and announced his decision in a press conference, where he again seemed to have come after drinking heavily, though he denied being under influence of alcohol.

UB Group Chairman Vijay Mallya too was present at the press conference wearing a Hawaiian shirt and Japanese sarong. He welcomed Nakagawa into the UB family and expressed confidence that not only the Japanese, but people all over the world would enjoy his new brand of rum.

“Recession can take you to places you can’t even imagine. Do you think Pietersen (former English cricket team captain) had imagined he’d earn so much when his own parliament was thinking how to safeguard people’s income against economic slowdown? Only UB could have done it and will continue doing it. All you need is a Recession.” Mallya raised a toast to Recession.

Nakagawa will spearhead campaigns and strategy to push Recession down each lane of Japan, and would be assisted in this job by Mallya’s team. However some people in UB Group wants Nakagawa to first implement his strategy in India, where pub-going has suddenly become talking point, and a new brand of rum could meet this sudden rise in demand.

Journalists present at the press conference too were offered a couple of pegs of Recession. Faking News correspondent fainted after sipping just a couple of drops of it, pushing all other journalists into unbridled bouts of laughter. The journalists praised Mallya for coming up with such a strong product in troubled times.

“I hope all of you have now got your news-pegs now.” Mallya winked towards the end of the press conference.

Indian solution to Oz bushfires

2009-02-18T01:29:00.004+05:30

(The image has been created and submitted by chhuchhundarbaba)

Shahrukh’s mobile stolen, fake SMS sent to many

2009-02-17T15:45:00.004+05:30

Mumbai. “dada, u r fired. go join politics, sell fish in Kolkata, or dance shirtless with Sallu. I dont need u nemore. ur last chek stands canceled. bye bye.” Former Indian cricket captain Sourav Ganguly was shocked to receive this SMS today morning, as the sender was his IPL team owner Shahrukh Khan. Dada frantically called up Knight Riders managers and SRK’s secretary, and was finally relieved to know that it was some miscreant who had stolen SRK’s mobile phone and was sending fake SMS to various contacts.

Apart from Ganguly, Samajwadi Party leader Amar Singh also received an SMS, which claimed that SRK was willing to join his party and fight elections from Mumbai. Congress leader Rahul Gandhi received an SMS informing him that he was hot and SRK liked his dimples when he smiled, while Director Karan Johar recived an SMS with just three words – talaaq talaaq talaaq.

SRK’s mobile was stolen when he was hospitalized for his shoulder operation at Breach Candy hospital. This security breach at the hospital has left the doctors at the hospital shocked, who were otherwise in a mood to celebrate a successful operation on the superstar’s left shoulder. The hospital authorities declined to comment on the development, but we could talk to the security man of the parking area.

“I had told them many times to paste stickers like jebkataron se saawdhaan (beware of pickpockets) or mareez apne saamaan ki suraksha swaym karein (patients should take care of their belongings of their own), but they thought such messages are down-market. Now they’ll have to pay heavy damages to Shahrukh.” R R Patil, one of the security men employed at the hospital, told Faking News.

But it seems Shahrukh is in good mood these days. First he easily agreed to drop the name ‘barber’ from his latest movie “Billu Barber”, and now he has categorically denied any possibility of suing the Breach Candy administration for the security lapse.

“Their job was to operate on my shoulder and not take care of my mobile phone. Inshaallah, everything went all right. I have no complaints against them. I just appeal to the person who has stolen my mobile to not to send any SMS to Amir or Salman. If he can return it, it would be even better.” Shahrukh told.

But SRK’s generosity hasn’t impressed his detractors who think this is just another publicity stunt by the movie star. Such people have started a community/group on orkut and facebook with the name “Shahrukh is a cheater”. Surprisingly, a lot of people have joined these groups as well.

Meanwhile a local lawyer has announced that he’d file a defamation suit against these people for insulting SRK. He also announced filing a case against the undefined mobile thief charging him/her for impersonation, harassment, and compromise on public safety. He might also file a case for theft, if the need be.

Government bans arranged marriages

2009-02-15T12:38:00.003+05:30

New Delhi. Under pressure from Sri Krishna Sena (SKS) and Communist parties, the UPA government had decided to come up with a law banning the traditional arranged marriages. All marriages would be solemnized and deemed legal only when the bride and groom will sign a bond declaring that the couple had known each other for a ‘considerable time’ before the marriage, and that they were getting into this relationship after proper thinking and analysis.

“It’s a welcome step. We had always maintained that there was no mention of an arranged marriage in Hindu traditions; either there was swayamwar where the girl chose one among various suitors or the couples used to elope to marry as per their wishes. I hope Indians will go back to their roots.” Arjun Singh, spokesperson of SKS told Faking News.

Interestingly, SKS, believed to be a Sangh Parivaar unit, got support from Communist parties on this issue, but there was a twist. Communist parties rubbished the claim of SKS about Hindu traditions, but supported abolition of arranged marriages as they believed that this was a ‘game of chance’.

“The couples get into such an important relationship just hoping that things would turn good. It’s such a risky chance that each Indian is being encouraged to take. Arranged marriages are a game of chance and akin to gambling, with Hindu priests being the casino owners, and that’s why we favored banning them. The state should control all marriages after making the couples sign a bond.” the communist parties jointly declared in a press release.

But UPA has got in trouble with this announcement as some of the UPA constitute parties have expressed dissent over the decision and have decided to oppose the bill when it comes for discussion in the parliament. Lalu Yadav, one of the important leaders of UPA, was most vocal in his protest.

“Yeh paagalpan hai (this is madness), Congress is getting into the trap of communists and fascist forces. I would decide who would become my bahu or daamaad (daughter-in-law or son-in-law). If such a law is passed, it will give rights to Nitish Kumar and Advaniji to marry off my sons and daughters. I’m not going to let it happen.” Lalu Yadav warned congress of any misadventure.

Common men had mixed reactions to the news. Some of them thought it would be just another failure like outlawing the practice of dowry, which could hardly check the dowry system. But others expressed hope that if government started controlling and scheduling marriages, it might at least solve the traffic problems on some auspicious days as government would allocate the marriage dates prudently.

The Pink Pigeon Campaign

2009-02-12T13:07:00.006+05:30

Agra. Faking News has finally decided to join the pink war over the Mangalore pub attack, completing the trinity of campaigns. The first campaign was started by a few women, who decided to gift away their Pink Chaddis (underwear) to pub attackers, this one was rejoined by another campaign that aimed to send Pink Condoms to these women and men, and now Faking News jumps into the fray by calling people to send Pink Pigeons to everyone.

Our campaign aims at creating peace, tolerance, and jobs in our country. By choosing pink pigeons, Faking News Intelligence Group (FNIG) has been able to find a tool to realize all three goals. Pigeons will bring peace, not able to spot a pink colored pigeon in India would be quite frustrating to you and would teach you a lot of tolerance, and the extensive labor put into finding a pink pigeon will create jobs.

When finally you are able to find a pink colored pigeon, please send it to someone, preferably to someone who doesn’t agree with your point of view. Please get a pledge from the person to whom you would gift the pigeon that he/she won’t kill, cook and eat your gift. Also, please don’t try to color white pigeons with pink color to take part in this campaign. You must find a naturally pink pigeon if you want the other person to naturally like your gift.

The Pink Pigeon Campaign has already become a hit with youth of India, with most of them saying that pigeons were the best way to express one’s opinion as opposed to underwear or condoms. Faking News wants to make clear that pink is not our national color, as was misinterpreted by many of our supporters due to ‘pink’ being common in all campaigns. There were other interpretations of our campaigns too.

“Pigeons are sexy birds. They can crap on anyone’s heads and get away with it. What better way there could be to express your opinion other than this? I’m gonna get at least a dozen of pink pigeons.” Raghu Ram, one of the campaigners told us and thanked us.

While FNIG was a bit worried that their original idea behind the campaign might get lost in differing interpretations, it was happy that the youth of India liked the campaign. FNIG has appealed to people that if they can’t find pink pigeons, they can draw pictures of ones and send them to people of their choices; this was done after it received a legal notice from Animal Rights group for violating the rights of pink pigeons of India.

Al Qaida threatens India for celebrating Valentine’s Day

2009-02-10T12:02:00.004+05:30

FATA/farta, Pakistan. Al Qaida has released a video where its commander Mustafa Ahmed Muhammad Uthman Abu al-Yazid has threatened India against carrying out Valentine’s Day celebrations. Abu Yazid has cautioned that his supporters would stuff the teddy bears and heart shaped balloons with hand grenades so that the Hindu infidels were killed if they tried to indulge in any abominable activity on V-Day.

The video, believed to be shot by a Sony digital camera, showed Abu Yazid, believed to be dead by Pakistani army, wearing a Sheikh like dress, believed to be designed by one of the beheaded dress designers, issuing out a warning, believed to be targeted against liberal and secular Hindus of India. The video was sent to television channels of India, believed to be showing news.

“Indians go to pubs to drink and act obscenely. Such things are causing Pakistani youths to copy them and are destroying our culture. We would never ever allow it to happen. Death to infidels.” Abu Yazid is believed to have told in Arabic, which was dubbed into Urdu in the video.

Faking News could contact an Al Qaida representative who confirmed the message contained in the video. When asked if Al Qaida was toeing the same line on Valentine’s Day as the Sri Ram Sene (SRS) of India, the representative vehemently denied the allegations. He accused SRS of being agents of USA and the western world.

“Due to economic recession, this Valentine’s Day was going to see minimal spending on cards, pubs, multiplexes, etc. The American companies running these establishments were worried and hence they created SRS to bring back V-Day into fashion. You stupid Indians felt for the trap and are now so eager to celebrate the day, but we won’t allow this conspiracy by the Americans to succeed.” the representative told us.

The government of India has taken the threat by Al Qaida very seriously and blamed Pakistan for creating troubles in India. Home Minister P Chidambaram has assured that government will provide security on Valentine’s Day and may even declare it a national holiday.

SIMI to take on Sri Ram Sena on V-Day

2009-02-09T14:41:00.004+05:30

Bangalore. In a very innovative development, the association of SIngle Males of India (SIMI) has decided to have a unique ‘Find A Valentine 2010’ (FAV2010) show in Bangalore on this Valentine’s day. The participation is open to any male above the age of 18 who does not have a date on this Valentine’s Day.

The show aims to showcase the participants’ bravery to members of the association of SIngle Females of India (SIFI). It is learnt that SIMI has more members than it can handle and hence it wants to get rid of some of them. SIFI, it is reported has agreed to co-operate. Here is what the contest will look like.

The members of SIMI will form themselves into groups of 50 and will position themselves in various parts of the city. As soon as Sri Ram Sena attacks a particular valentine day hangout, the nearest SIMI group will rush to that place and fight these attackers. Their aim will be to take out the shirts and pants of the members of Ram Sena.

Once a particular participant takes out a shirt or a pant (or dhoti/kurta as the case may be), he is supposed to keep it with himself. There will be 1 point for a shirt and 2 points for a dhoti. Participant collecting maximum points will be the winner. In case of a tie, the winner will be adjudged by the number of underwear of Sri Ram Sena activists that have been collected.

On thirteenth February midnight, participants will take a ‘Ravana pledge’ of fairness. It means that they will not show a cloth of their own or of people other than Sri Ram Sena activists to get points. Interestingly, the pledge will be taken not upon Geeta but upon authentic Sri Lankan sand which Indian cricket team captain has kindly agreed to bring over from Sri Lanka.

As for the prize, the winners will win a date with SIFI members of their choice on next Valentine’s Day. All the activities will be relayed live to SIFI auditorium by Times Now so that SIFI members can choose a brave member as their next valentine.

Last heard, SIMI has been criticized for this contest by some top political leaders. Renuka Choudhary was upset that if things start getting sorted out on their own, she will not have any airtime on news channel. It will be a great disregard to all her efforts in the past to get noticed. NCW is worried that government may finally realize that it is a useless body and may make it a soft target for cost cutting.

BJP was worried that many of Sri Ram Sena members may not campaign for it in the next general elections due to paucity of clothes. But Congress is blaming BJP itself for creating groups like SIMI, accusing the saffron party of having armed civilians to take on ultras in the past such as Salva Judum in Chhattisgarh.

Surprisingly, SIMI has found support from Mallika Sherawat who has agreed to cover the contest for Times Now. “What if I can’t cover myself” she was quoted as saying.

(this exclusive news report has been submitted by a reader of Faking News through e-mail)

Billu Barber banned in Jamaica

2009-02-08T17:48:00.004+05:30

Kingston, Jamaica. Bollywood superstar Shahrukh Khan’s upcoming film Billu Barber has been banned in Jamaica after many people accused the movie of glorifying a profession that was inimical to local customs. Shahrukh has been asked to apologize to Jamaican people, especially the Rastafarians, for hurting their sentiments.

“Barbers are bad people. If they had their way, they would remove all dreadlocks from the world. They are the main reason why Rastafari movement died as people started sporting new hairstyles invented by them. We can’t allow a movie that glorifies barberism (sic.)” Mob Marley, president of Rastafarian People of Jamaica (RPJ), told Faking News.

According to reports, RPJ has written a letter to Akali Dal of India to support their demands to pressurize Shahrukh Khan into apologizing and getting the movie banned in India as well. RPJ representatives believe that Sikhs, who don’t get their hairs shaved or cut, too must be disliking barbers and would support them in getting the movie off screen in India and maybe in France too.

RPJ members were also banking on the fact that Punjab, where Sikhs are in majority, was one of the first Indian states to ban a Bollywood movie Aaja Nachle for hurting sentiments of a community, and had recently got another Bollywood superstar Akshay Kumar to apologize for his movie Singh is Kinng. Also, with religious angle coming into picture, the issue would have attracted political support in India, RPJ hoped.

While Akali Dal was yet to respond to these appeals and suggestions from Rastafarians, the movie Billu Barber did get into trouble in India as ‘The Salon and Beauty Parlours Association’ of India demanded that the word ‘barber’ be dropped from the movie name as it was derogatory. Some of the RPJ members were livid when they got the news that Shahurkh had accepted their demand.

“Their whole profession is derogatory, not just the name. I can’t understand why our sentiments were not respected while their demand was accepted by your superstar. We would not allow any Jamaican player to play for his IPL team Knight Riders. The man will repent.” Mob Marley protested.

Faking News tried to get the reaction of Shahrukh Khan over the whole issue but he declined to talk to us. But our sources confirm that SRK, as Shahrukh is called popularly, has hired an Independent Risk Consulting firm for his upcoming films after the whole episode. His next project was to be titled Mallu Machhuara (the fisherman from Kerala) and could have got into trouble.