Faking News moves to a new host

We have finally decided to give Faking News a more professional look and feel (at least that is what we think we are doing) and hence this blog would be shifted to a different server.

The original blog (where you are reading this post) and news reports will still be available at http://newsflush.blogspot.com

Faking News might be temporarily unavailable at http://www.fakingnews.com for sometime due to this migration and limited technological skills of Pagal Patrakar.

But we hope everything would be alright soon.

See you in a new get up!

SRK was detained at US airport due to stammering

New York, USA. Following the uproar in India over Bollywood superstar Shahrukh Khan being held up for around two hours at an airport, the American security officials have finally issued a statement denying any racial or religious profiling being the reason behind the incident. But officials have confirmed that the Indian actor was detained because he indeed was perceived to be a threat to the domestic security, because of his famous stammering.

“When Mr. Khan was asked his name, he told – My name is K K K… Before he could complete his sentence, the junior security official detained him for being a suspect supporter of the banned organization. Later on we watched various interviews and movies by Mr. Khan and concluded that he stammers at the ‘K’ letter, so we let him go. Watching all those movies and interviews could have taken much more time as Indians talk a lot and make quite lengthy movies, but to our credit, we finished the business within two hours.” a security official told.

The homeland security department categorically denied any religious profiling in the incident as they argued that Shahrukh didn’t appear Muslim to them.

“His name surely is pathetic, but he doesn’t wear that tube wrapped turban. He also has no beard without moustache and he doesn’t stink like a goat. No copy of that holy book was found in his luggage and he didn’t ask for a permission to say prayers while being detained. He surely doesn’t look Muslim to us. We don’t profile anybody on religious grounds.” the security official explained.

The department also denied any racial profiling though they agreed that Shahrukh did appear Asian to them and he needed to work on his skin color and accent.

“Yes, he indeed appears very much Indian – a show off and whining boy like most of you. But we do such stuff to celebrities of all origins. I hope you know that one of our junior officials detained the legendary singer and musician Bob Dylan and asked for his identity proof. It happened the same day when we were watching those pathetic movies of your stammering Khan. We like being close and personal with celebrities, no profiling or bias here.” the security official further explained.

Back home, Indian I&B minister Ambika Soni has rejected all these claims and explanations of the US security officials and has reiterated her proposed policy of ‘tit for tat’. A government circular issued at all international airports in India has asked the security officials to strip search all American VIPs, especially actors and actresses. The circular has been issued with joint collaboration of the tourism and culture ministry under the “Incredible India” campaign.

Railways denies putting up photos of Lalu Yadav in toilets

New Delhi. The issue of putting up photos of ex-railway minister Mr. Lalu Yadav in train toilets is turning into a political potboiler. The incident was first brought to light by a Faking News reader traveling from Kolkata to New Delhi in Rajdhani Express, who clicked the photographs from his mobile phone. The photographs showed stickers in train toilets urging passengers to not be a ‘lalu’ and keep the toilets clean.

Such disdainful disrespect shown to a national leader has given rise to allegations and counter allegations by leaders. Parliament proceedings were disrupted several times by RJD members today who demanded an apology from the current railway minister Mamta Banerjee. The members accused Mamtadi of indulging in ‘loo level’ politics and threatened to uproot railway tracks and toilet seats if the minister didn’t apologize.

But Mamtadi has termed such allegations as ‘rubbish’ and denied that the stickers were officially put up by the Railways. She suspected CPM workers to be behind the act, an allegation vehemently denied by the communist party.

“Mamta Banerjee is fully capable of stooping so low. There is nothing new in it. In the past, she had supported Maoists and blamed it on CPM. This is just another act carried out by her for which she is blaming us out of her habit.” CPM leader Prakash Karat alleged.

The whole controversy was later given an interesting twist by Bihar Chief Minister Nitish Kumar, who claimed that the stickers were pasted by Lalu Yadav supporters themselves. Nitish Kumar advised CPM and Mamta Banerjee not to fight over the issue.

“Laluji is desperate to be in news. RJD workers have been wondering why the media and society was not discussing them even after they suffered such a heavy electoral defeat. The media spent most of their time discussing the downfall of BJP but no words were mentioned for RJD. This had upset Laluji and his supporters, who have done this to be back in news.” Nitish Kumar postulated.

Expectedly RJD has criticized the Bihar CM for making such comments. The party has now decided to postpone their railway track and toilet seat uprooting campaign and have decided to start a public urinating drive in Bihar to oppose Nitish Kumar’s statement.

“Our workers will piss at all public places in Bihar and won’t use flush afterwards to register protest. We will start our protest by mass urinating at CM’s residence tomorrow at 3 PM. All of you are welcome to witness the event.” an RJD leader informed.

First man to have given a bribe in independent India dies

Gorakhpur. Jawahar Tiwari, the first man who had given out a bribe to a government official in independent India, died after prolonged illness today morning. He was 92 years old and was bedridden with malarial fever for over three months. Jawahar had shot to fame last year when an investigation by an NGO claimed that he was the first person in independent India who was involved in a bribery case, although unregistered and undocumented, as a bribe giver.

“My father had paid the bribe rather reluctantly and after a lot of self rationalization. Initially he had it as a burden on his conscious but later on as he saw the Indian society evolve, he felt proud and used to flaunt his bribe giving stories to everyone, including that NGO which later on published it in their report.” Raju, the eldest among the five children of Jawahar Tiwari who could survive beyond the age of 12, told Faking News.

The story goes back to 1952 when Jawahar Tiwari worked as a ‘malaria officer’ in one of the tribal areas of Jharkhand (then a part of Bihar) entrusted with the task of inoculating people and sanitizing the area against threats of malaria. He was running late on schedule and one of the districts was yet to be visited by him. Jawahar wondered how he would meet his goal as well as the deadline on his job.

“That district always had people dying in summer due to heat strokes and there were hardly any basic amenities available. People didn’t even have water, let alone roads or electricity. My father knew that there was no chance a mosquito could grow or survive in such terrible conditions. Locals could die of any reason but malaria. Therefore he decided to skip that district.” Raju recounted the story.

But Jawahar Tiwari needed to show the district as ‘covered’ by him in the government records, hence he approached the local District Magistrate with his predicament. The DM asked for a bribe in lieu of handing out a fake certificate that his district was covered by Mr. Tiwari. After a lot of introspection Mr. Tiwari agreed to bribe the DM, creating the first ‘successful’ bribery case in independent India as per an NGO.

“We couldn’t track back any older identifiable case of bribery in independent India. Jawaharji shared most of the details but refused to name the district or share the whereabouts of the DM as apparently that guy went on to become a very powerful and respected person in society. Maybe he feared some counterattack.” Maanav Mehta, the coordinator of the NGO that carried out the investigations told Faking News.

Jawahar Tiwari had concealed this incident from most people, including his family members for many years. But when he heard his grandson claiming proudly how he and his friends got admission in a medical college after paying a bribe of 5 lakh rupees each, he wondered if bribery was an ‘in-thing’ and socially acceptable norm in modern times. Convinced, he started sharing his story with everyone.

“We are proud of our father. Very few people had the foresight and guts to carry out such things in those times. He couldn’t take bribe due to some strange feeling of guilt all his life or we would have been really a happy and prosperous family today.” Raju told.

Man diagnosed with Swine Flu refuses to be quarantined

New Delhi. Sweety Singh, a man diagnosed with Swine Flu has refused to be quarantined, claiming that if he was kept in the same room with other patients, he could be ‘corrupted’ and might contact a severe case of the disease. Sweety was diagnosed with a possible case of Swine Flu on July 31st when a Nashik based businessman allegedly injected H1N1 virus into him by force.

“My son is being framed. He is healthy and fit. Anyone can say that just by looking at him. Why should he be treated like an untouchable and kept separate from the society? Because we are dalits?” Sweety’s father Juta Singh told media persons as his son filed an application in the hospital to be exempted from being quarantined.

Juta Singh is the head of a commission set up by the government to check spread of Swine Flu in the country. His son Sweety was earlier accused of taking bribe from a Nashik based businessman for spreading the disease. The businessman dealt in selling medicines for the treatment of Swine Flu and spread of the disease would have helped his business. Sweety allegedly took the bribe but didn’t work efficiently, which angered the businessman who forcibly injected the H1N1 virus into him.

Sweety Singh is now suffering from Swine Flu and doctors of the hospital believe that he has all the symptoms of the disease and if he was allowed to roam freely, he could influence others and spread the flu into other parts of the country. Following refusal by the doctors, Sweety and Juta Singh have now decided to move to court.

“These guys are jealous of us and there is a political conspiracy being hatched. Hardened criminals are allowed to roam and mingle in the society, then why should I be quarantined just because I have flu?” Sweety wondered and expressed confidence that he’d get relief from the court.

Reports last coming in confirmed that Sweety was indeed allowed by the court to be exempted from being quarantined.

Private Air Hostesses tie Rakhi to passengers to collect funds

Mumbai. Male passengers traveling by private airlines in India got the shock of their life today when they were tied rakhi on their wrists by beautiful air hostesses in sexy costumes. Such incidents were reported on all the domestic routes where private airlines operated, cutting across air carriers owned by different corporate groups. Today is Raksha Bandhan festival and private airlines used this innovative method to protest against lack of funds.

“It was so shocking. I was sitting in the front row and was happy that I will be able to see the beautiful chick closely all through my journey. I got so excited when that sexy lady came close to me and bowed down to offer me sweets. Then to my horror, she took out a rakhi and tied it on my wrist and asked for money as a return gift. I was shell shocked to react and took out my wallet like a zombie and handed out 5000 rupees.” Manish, a passenger flying from Delhi to Mumbai told.

All the male passengers had similar experiences to share and they demanded an explanation from the private airlines. When contacted by Faking News, the top management of all the major private air carriers conceded that the air hostesses were following directives issued by the companies. They justified their conduct by claiming it to be a democratic and decent method of protest.

“When we announced a general strike, a huge hue and cry was raised by the government and media. Under public pressure we had to call off the strike, but that doesn’t mean our grievances have been sorted out. The problems remain there and we continue to bleed. We had to find a mean to protest and we thought that asking for money after tying rakhi would send across the message strongly that the sector badly needs public funds.” Vijay Mallya, owner of Kingfisher Airlines told Faking News.

The airlines refused to divulge how much funds were collected through the rakhi tying drive. Sector experts believe that the drive, whenever it ends, could indeed amass funds that could prove very helpful to the industry, but the experts cautioned against a possible public backlash.

“One of the main reasons why a typical Indian male doesn’t travel by Indian Airlines is because their air hostesses appear aunties to them. This rakhi tying drive could turn the private airlines hostesses into behenjis for such males and it could impinge their decision to travel again by the same carrier. So while this drive may have sent across the bailout message loud and clear for now, it could prove detrimental in the long run.” Hawaijeet, an airlines analyst opined.

Officials in the Civil Aviation ministry too expressed surprise over the decision of the private airlines but they ruled out any punitive actions against the private carriers as prima facie the decision appeared legal to them. But the private airlines might face some serious trouble from the Income Tax department.

“We have to see under what category such earnings would fall. These earnings can’t be recognized as charity or donations as they surely were not voluntary. The airlines should have handed out receipts to the passengers who gave out rakhi money to the air hostesses. There are many more aspects that need to be investigated and we would soon start the inquiry.” an Income Tax official told Faking News.

Indian terror camps in Balochistan messed up in corruption

Quetta, Pakistan. In a shocking discovery, Faking News has learnt that India is running absolutely pathetic terror camps in Balochistan province of Pakistan. The management of these camps is highly bureaucratic and operations are hopeless, ironically this is one of the reasons why Pakistan has not been able to prove anything till now. But according to our investigation, New Delhi has spent billions of Indian rupees over last seven years on these camps, but of no use.

Our investigations started after Pakistan allegedly handed over a mysterious dossier containing proofs of Indian involvement in running terror camps in Balochistan a couple of weeks back. Our undercover reporter faked being a porn CD supplier and reached interior areas of Balochistan to find out the truth, and the truth was shocking to say the least.

The terror camps in these areas were started by the Indian government seven years back but now they almost wear a deserted look. Our reporter found out that there were no basic amenities available at these camps and the terror trainers lacked any skills whatsoever.

“Those trainers seemed petty thieves and pickpockets from India, who had no knowledge on how to wage a guerilla warfare or stage mass murders. They tried to teach us operating hand-grenades and AK-47 rifles after reading shoddy teaching notes. Worst, we never got any hand-grenades or AK-47s to test our practical skills.” Abdul Balochi, an aspiring terrorist told us.

In course of our investigation, we found out, to our shock and disbelief, that RAW had billed millions of rupees to central government towards professional fees paid to these trainers, who were shown on paper as hardcore terrorists caught in Jammu & Kashmir. Central government was also billed a huge amount for arms and ammunitions supposedly given to the aspiring terrorists in Balochistan.

“That’s bullshit! Once we were told that hand-grenades had arrived. We ran out in excitement to open the boxes, only to find out that the boxes contained pomegranates. Later on we were told that it was due to a clerical error and won’t be repeated. When we asked if we could eat the pomegranates, we were asked to write applications in English, Hindi, Urdu, Balochi and Punjabi to seek permission. Neither hand-grenades nor pomegranates ever arrived after that.” Abdul shared his frustration.

These terror camps were supposed to pay a monthly stipend of 30,000 Indian rupees to all aspiring terrorists, and the government exchequer had thinned over past few years owing to this provision, but the ground reality, again, was far from what was shown on papers. Only a few of the trainees got the stipend, and that too of 3000 rupees. In fact, bungling was reported even in those 3000 rupees.

“Many times I was given fake Indian currencies. I could very well recognize them as my elder brother works in the Pakistani press where Indian fake currencies are printed. One of the 500 rupees note that I received had ‘I love you Abdul’ written on it. It was actually written by my girlfriend before we shipped the fake currencies to India. Apparently Indians write such slogans on currencies and we were told that such stuff would make the fake ones appear genuine to the Indian eyes.” Abdul spilled more beans.

Our investigations threw up many such startling facts that made Indian terror camps a hopeless case. The trainees of such camps were not skilled enough to even snatch wallets from Pakistani armymen, let alone liberate Balochistan. To the horror of locals, very soon coordinators of such shoddy terror camps started asking for bribes to induct new trainees. Such glaring incompetence and corruption levels saddened the locals, who slowly shifted their loyalties to Taliban, who were better in running such camps.

Currently the terror camps started by India are in dilapidated state and locals use it as a shade for their livestock. But the central government is still billed millions of rupees for the upkeep and operations of these camps. When we tried to contact RAW and government officials for their reactions over our findings, we were threatened to put behind bars for compromising with national security.

Man diagnosed with English speaking obsession beaten up

Patna. Nirad Pandey, a 39 year old father of three, who was recently diagnosed with an obsessive compulsive English speaking disorder (OCESD), suffered multiple injuries after he was thrashed black and blue by some miscreants near railway station. Nirad was reportedly arguing in English with the miscreants after they had passed some comments on him in Hindi. The argument got heated up after a while and finally ended up with nine fractured bones of Nirad in his limbs.

“They had called me kameena (rascal) and it riled me up. Those ugly mofos were sounding even fucking uglier as they spoke in Hindi with a fucking Bihari accent. How do you expect me to take some shit like this? I told those bloody bastards to mind their language or I’d have fucked their happiness by shoving pig sticks in their asses. Frustrated with my English speaking abilities, the wankers beat me up.” Nirad recounted his experience with the 'foul mouthed Hindi speaking gundas'.

Doctors of ‘rajkiya swasthya mandir’, the hospital where Nirad has been admitted by his family members, have declared him out of danger but advised a one week bed rest for him. Doctors fear that this incident could worsen the OCESD condition in Nirad.

As a school student, Nirad had won a three-day trip to England after winning a 'spoon with egg' race organized by a tour and travel company some twenty five years back. After returning from England, Nirad apparently developed a liking for speaking English in British accent with everyone. Slowly this liking grew into an obsessive compulsive disorder and Nirad refused to speak in Hindi with anyone.

Relatives say that the turning point in his condition was the incident where Nirad could score 66% more marks in his pre-board re-exams just because he answered all the questions in English in his second attempt. Nirad had confided to his family members that his new answers were nothing but mere a literal translation of his earlier answers in Hindi.

“This incident had a deep impact on Nirad and he refused to speak or write in Hindi after that. He even started talking to our maid in English. He used to have regular tiffs with people over speaking in English, especially his British accent. When he used to play cricket with friends, all the batsmen used to hard hit on his bowling as if they were hitting him in his face for his English, but such behavior only made him more resolute.” Nirad’s younger brother Niraj told Faking News.

Nirad had banned use of Hindi in his home and regularly used to beat up his kids for speaking in Hindi. This is the first time he has been beaten up for speaking in English.

“This won’t change anything. Hindi speaking fucktards lack confidence and they are plain jealous of people like us. They should raise their standards for god’s sake instead of trying to bring us down. This is so fucking disgusting and it can happen only in India.” Nirad expressed his frustration and appealed to Hindi speakers to gain some knowledge and culture.

Outrage over Prime Minister’s beer party with Emraan Hashmi

New Delhi. The decision of Prime Minister Manmohan Singh to arrange a beer party with Bollywood actor Emraan Hashmi and members of the housing society that allegedly refused Emraan a house for being a Muslim, has run into troubled waters. Although the decision was touted as a great step towards fostering communal harmony in the society, the same is now turning into a slugfest for religious beliefs.

Manmohan Singh’s original plan was to invite Emraan, members of the housing society, Mumbai Police officials, and a few religious leaders like Baba Ramdev from Hindu and Muslim sects over a beer party to discuss issues like religious discrimination of minorities. Prime Minister’s Office had claimed that Emraan would happily end up buying a house in the same society and all the religious leaders would jointly issue a statement appealing peaceful cohabitation of all Indians.

Prime Minister’s decision faced its first criticism when some Muslim groups objected to the presence of liquor based beverages in a party attended by as pious a Muslim as Emraan. These groups issued a fatwa that Emraan and other religious leaders would be boycotted by the Muslim society if they attended a party espousing consumption of liquor.

Before Emraan and others could react, Hindu groups retaliated with threats of mass agitation if Prime Minister succumbed to the unrealistic demands of Muslims. These groups lamented the culture of Muslim appeasement in India and insisted that not only liquor, pork should also have been a part of the menu of the beer party.

Although Baba Ramdev didn’t agree with such Hindu groups, he agreed that serving beer was a bad idea. Baba thought that beer made a person queer which had given rise to homosexuality in India. He instead suggested a joint yoga session of Emraan and the housing society members to ward off the differences. Sources inform that Baba Ramdev might throw his own party.

If these religious protests were not enough, liquor baron Vijay Mallya also joined the chorus and lambasted the PMO for having approached the Australian beer company Fosters for serving beer at the proposed party. Mallya accused the government of being insensitive towards domestic industries and declared that he would plan for a ‘beer black out’ on 18th August when all private airlines including his Kingfisher Airlines would go on a strike seeking a government bailout.

Following these reactions, PMO is in a fix over what to do with the proposed beer party. Emraan Hashmi too has gone into hiding and sources close to him say that he has dropped his plans to buy any house for the time being. Police arrested some Hindu and Muslim activists outside his house planning some kinds of protests. Fearing a public backlash, Prime Minister has appealed for communal harmony and suspended his beer party indefinitely.