Rafael Nadal wins Padmashree award

Melbourne, Australia. Even as Tennis superstar Rafael Nadal battled for five hours to defeat compatriot Fernando Verdasco and to give himself a chance to win the Australian Open title, he was surprised to learn that he had won another title without even serving for a set. Nadal was chosen by the Government of India to receive Padmashree title, an award given for distinguished contribution in various spheres of activities. Nadal was further surprised that he was awarded not for his contribution to Sports, but for Social Service.

“Just after I won the semi-final against Fernando, I was given this letter by my manager. The letter is from your Padma Award committee and it congratulates me for having won Padmashree award for social service in India. I am happy, but this is a bit confusing, and I can’t think straight after that gruelling match, but I am happy. I love India. Namaste” Nadal told our reporter.

Tennis fans in India too celebrated the news and hoped that finally the government was taking steps to promote different sports rather than just Cricket. Fans wanted Nandal to win the Australian Open title and then come to India, riding on an elephant, to receive the Padmashree award. Although there was a minor scuffle amongst the fans over the choice of Nadal or Federer for winning the title, they all wanted Nadal to come to India.

When Faking News tried to get the government opinion if they would provide an elephant to Nadal, we found that the authorities were pretty hush-hush about the whole affair and were speaking equivocally on everything. We smelt something fishy, and on further investigation we were shocked to find out that Nadal’s Padmashree award was another goof up by the Padma Award committee. The government had scored a double fault.

Our investigation started from the moment we found out that Nadal’s name for the award was proposed by the Mainpuri unit of Youth Congress in Uttar Pradesh. Surprising as it was, because Nadal was not even an Italian tennis player, we decided to probe further. We were helped by the fact that the letter of recommendation written by Youth Congress had ‘Nadal’ written in all capital letters. We instantly knew it must be a name of some organization.

We looked up in the governed records to find out that NADAL actually stood for “National Authority for Dalits’ Advancement and Liberty “. It is an organization formed last year under the Societies Act of India and Rahul Gandhi was the president emeritus of NADAL. Local Youth Congress unit had proposed NADAL’s name for Padmashree award to recognize NADAL’s social work among the dalits of the area. Rahul Gandhi would have received the award on NADAL’s behalf.

It seems the Padma Award committee confused NADAL as being the tennis star Rafael Nadal because there was no mention of Rahul Gandhi in the letter of recommendation by Youth Congress. But we are still clueless as how the committee members could still categorize Rafael Nadal as a notable contributor in social service. Nevertheless, now the government is trying to cover up and make a virtue out of an unforced error.

“Rafeal Nadal has indeed done social service. He has tried to bring down the monopoly created by Roger Federer in the tennis world, and we thought we should recognize his talents.” was the lame excuse given by a committee member when we tried to probe what we are calling the 'Padmagate' scandal.

Amar Singh ropes in Blagojevich to counter Shibu Soren

Illinois, USA. Jharkhand Mukti Morcha (JMM) chief and former Chief Minister of Bihar’s neighbor, Shibu Soren, is in for formidable competition. For, former Governor (never to contest again in US) of Illinois, Rod Blagojevich has decided to shift to India. Blagojevich has the distinction of being the first US governor in more than two decades to be removed by impeachment. He had been accused of trying to auction off the US senate seat vacated by Barack Obama, the US president.

Faking News learns that feelers had been sent to him by Congress when his impeachment had become certain. UPA Chairperson Sonia Gandhi was keen on getting a young high-profile professional to groom crown prince Yuvraj Rahul Gandhi in worldly affairs. She was concerned that most of her senapatis (lieutenants) were in their 70s and 80s and the only news they were creating were speculations about their health.

Her party had assembled a brilliant team of lawyers, headed by Harvard-educated Kapil Sibal, to provide counsel to the beleaguered governor. The star of the team was V R Manohar, BCCI boss Shashank Manohar’ father. The celebrated lawyer had successfully defended cricketer Harbhajan Singh from an ICC-appointed New Zealand judge last year.

Blagojevich was extensively briefed to argue, "There is no evidence before your body here - no evidence, zero - that shows any wrongdoing by me as governor." Even his reaction after the vote was drafted by the Indian team and conveyed online in a video conference: "I haven't done anything wrong. I look forward to proving my innocence, clearing my name and that's what's gonna happen."

But in a startling development, Amar Singh managed to bag the US politico, upsetting the Madam Gandhi’s plans. He said he was keeping a watch on the development ever since PM Manmohan Singh betrayed him in July 2008 and went back on the understanding with SP. He was referring to the non-fulfillment of the wholesale bargain he had struck for the entire herd of party MPs.

According to documents available with Faking News, Amar Singh had provided a dossier to the Illinois boss, proving that the Congress promises were only as much dependable as Ramalinga Raju’s Satyams. Sonia had offered an exit option to the governor in case the strategy of the legal eagles did not click. She was confident of getting him into Indian Parliament despite his foreign origin.

Party spokesman Veerappa Moily met Blagojevich and assured him that his skill sets were highly valued in India. He gave the example of how the party had rewarded the equally talented Shibu Soren in return for his party’s vote in sealing Indo-US nuke agreement.

Although the PM could not restore his ministerial post in the Union Cabinet, Moily explained, Soren was offered a repeat term as Jharkhand CM. While conceding that Blagojevich’s record was indeed impeccable, he stressed that Soren holds even better record of an MP driving straight from Parliament to Tihar Jail, to serve time after his conviction was upheld.

The Illinois governor was in two minds whether to shift to India, doubting if he would be eclipsed by the JMM boss. What forced him to ditch Congress and go to SP, ironically, was the attitude of a staunch Congress ally, Lalu Prasad Yadav, the chief of RJD. The Railway minister had ganged up with some Hindi belt Congressmen to reject the proposal to enthrone Shibu’s confidante Champai Soren in the neighbouring state.

Shibu Soren, who had to step down yet again on the frivolous grounds of losing a bye election, had to eat a humble pie. Although outwardly he declared, “To maintain the unity of UPA, we have proposed (the) two new names. It is up to the central UPA leaders to decide about unity of UPA in the state," he was furious at Lalu in private. Sources say he shouted, “Did I come in between when he decided that Rabri Yadav would succeed him as Bihar CM, when he was forced to step down?”

The sleuths the American Democrat had hired submitted a report confirming Amar Singh’s projection that both Shibu and Lalu were likely to join Congress any time. Both would consider the phorener as their common rival if Madam gives him too much importance. No wonder, Roddie developed cold feet and decided to throw his weight behind Amar Singh.

(This special report has been brought to you by chhuchhundarbaba)

Mahatma Gandhi assassinated by unidentified gunman

New Delhi. Veteran Congress leader and Father of the Nation, Mohandas Karamchand Gandhi, also known as Bapu, was shot dead by an unidentified gunman today. Mahatma Gandhi was going to attend an evening prayer when a person fired three shots from point blank range, fatally injuring the Mahatma.

Mahatma was 140 years old and had retired from active politics exactly 61 years back.

“That guy touched his feet, and when Mahatma was blessing him, he rose up and fired three bullets into Bapu’s chest,” a BBC reporter present at the spot told Faking News.

No Indian journalist, whether belonging to a television channel or printing company, was present at the scene as Indian journalists had stopped following Gandhi’s activities ever since he retired from active politics.

But now, after Mahatma has been murdered, suddenly the interest levels in Gandhi have gone up.

Google hot trends, depicting most searched keywords by Indians, saw words like ‘old Indian father’ ‘khaadi tycoon’ ‘saint murdered’ etc. being searched more frequently than usual keywords like ‘sex’ ‘jobs’ and ‘India-Sri Lanka match’. News channels too included this news of assassination in their news bulletins apart from their special bulletins on crime news.

Political parties too have taken note of the assassination and have started blaming each other for the tragic development. Congress, the party that Mahatma wanted to dissolve post independence, has accused Hindu groups of plotting the assassination to disturb the communal harmony of the country. Congress claimed that Mahatma was still a member of the party when he was killed.

Samajwadi Party, which has solemnly tried to bring back Gandhi to mainstream politics by fielding the modern-age Gandhi Sanajy Dutt, too echoed their ally’s sentiments and asked for a ban on RSS. Party leader Amar Singh further suspected that Uttar Pradesh Chief Minister Kumari Behen Mayawati could be hand-in-glove with the assassins as she had earlier attacked Mahatma for calling dalits as harijans.

But BJP has rubbished such charges and has suggested that Pakistan backed Muslim terrorists might have assassinated the Hindu saint, as he was going to attend a Hindu prayer. Party has further suggested that some leaders of Congress could also be involved as they didn’t want any other Gandhi to exist other than Sonia, Rahul and Priyanka. BJP asked why Bapu was not rushed to any nearby government hospital after being shot but instead taken to Birla House, and suggested that there could be a conspiracy behind the murder.

There were also reports of ethnic clashes between Brahmins and Baniyas in some parts of the country after a television news channel claimed that the killer of the Mahatma was a Brahmin. It should be noted that Mahatma Gandhi belonged to the Baniya caste of the Hindu caste system. This fact too was presented by BJP as being a conspiracy to weaken its Brahmin-Baniya support base ahead of the general elections.

Away from the political chaos, many Indians expressed grief over the sad development and have demanded that the assassination plotters must be arrested and brought to book. They wanted to know more about Gandhi and his ideals and asked if Gandhian philosophy could fight the economic recession. Faking News reporter expressed his intellectual inability to answer the question.

India’s first gay cartoon character launched

Mumbai. Leading cartoonist Karan Khan has announced the arrival of his latest creation – a frog called Gaydhak (गेढक). Gaydhak has orange spots on its largely green skin, and walks upright like human beings. It leaps only when it sees a fellow male frog, which gives it a gay character and makes it the first gay cartoon hero of India. Gaydhak will soon be seen in one of the leading newspapers in India as a daily comic strip.

“We Indians are becoming more and more accepting and liberal. Many people are now publicly accepting that they are gay and I thought it was high time when we had a gay cartoon hero as well. Gaydhak is a tribute to India’s pluralism.” Karan Khan told, hoping that adventures of the gay frog will remove misconceptions and prejudices against homosexuals in India.

When asked why he had not made Gaydhak wear his underwear over his dress, as is the case with most of the superheroes, Karan Khan clarified that he didn’t want gays to be perceived as superhuman but as normal people. Karan further informed that Gaydhak didn’t possess any special powers and would not rescue the world from evil forces. He would be a normal gay living in a fictitious place called 'Gaytham City'.

The adventures of Gaydhak will be published in one of the leading newspapers, name of which was not disclosed by Karan due to ‘professional reasons’. The mystery has caused a lot of curiosity among people, who are planning to buy all newspapers tomorrow morning to read the inaugural strip. But a controversy too is brewing among all this mystery and curiosity.

Although Karan Khan denied it, but our sources confirm that some Hindu groups have threatened to blacken the face of Karan Khan if he went ahead and launched Gaydhak. Faking News received an e-mail sent by a group, calling itself Amar Hindu Sena (AHS), which claimed that Gaydhak was hurtful to Hindu sentiments and had potential of defiling young Hindu minds.

“There are saffron spots on the frog, which Karan Khan has deliberately put to hurt Hindu sentiments. In traditional Hindu culture, a frog has been a symbol of rain and happiness but this is a Muslim conspiracy to erode Hindu traditions. Karan Khan will have to pay dearly for this.” the e-mail threatened.

Within minutes of receiving this e-mail, we received another threatening e-mail from a group calling itself Ahl Hadees Sipaah (AHS), which claimed that Gaydhak was unislamic in character and hurtful to Muslim sentiments. The group has given an ultimatum to Karan Khan to take back Gaydhak or at least change its color of skin to non-green, failing which the cartoonist will be beheaded.

Despite Faking News making these e-mails public, Karan Khan refused to comment on the controversy and told that he would rather concentrate on adventures of Gaydhak. But rights group expressed outrage over such threats and have asked the government to provide police protection to the cartoonist. Government has assured of taking appropriate steps in this regard.

Meanwhile some parents too expressed unhappiness over possibility of a gay cartoon becoming famous among their children. These parents have decided to beat up their children if they followed adventures of Gaydhak, although they expressed interest to know more about the gay frog.

“Mangalore pub attack is a problem of the elite India”

New Delhi. Various thinkers and media analysts have criticized Indian media’s handling of Mangalore pub attack where some girls and women were beaten up by an outfit called either Sri Ram Sena or Sri Ram Sene (SRS in either case) for allegedly disrespecting Indian culture. These thinkers and analysts believe that Indian media ‘over-reported’ and ‘over-hyped’ a problem that is endemic only to the elite class. They have appealed to the Indian media to stop calling attack on the Mangalore pub as attack on Indian ethos.

“The Indian media has become a tool for the elite and by the elite. They over-hyped the Mumbai terror attacks, which were clearly an attack on the elite India, by calling it an attack on whole India, and now they are doing the same in case of Mangalore pub beating case. There are no pubs in rural India or even in smaller cities. This is clearly a problem of the elite and let them deal with it. Let’s not involve the whole Indian society into it.” Arundhati Roy, a writer, thinker, philosopher, media-critic, activist, etc., told Faking News.

These thinkers and analysts accused media of having a class bias, which was responsible for creating divisions in the society on the basis of class and language. Some thinkers additionally thought that this bias was mainly due to 'caste' factors as most of the journalists in India belonged to the upper castes and were suffering from Brahminical mentality.

“Why do these television channels not raise such a hue and cry when a dalit woman is raped in some remote village of the country? Is that not an attack on Indian women and Indian ethos? Most of those girls and women beaten up in the pubs were either Brahmins or Baniyas, and hence the media is making such a big issue out of it. Down with the manuwadi and casteist mentality.” Udit Krishna, president of Dalit Patrakar Sangh (DPS), told Faking News.

We tried to get reactions of leading editors of various Indian media houses over the issue, but they asked us to excuse them. One of the CEOs of a leading news channels however commented, on conditions of anonymity, that media bashing had become fashionable in times of recession as more and more people were becoming jobless. He hoped that the economic conditions improved and such unnecessary criticism of media subsided.