Exclusive interview with Masakali of Delhi-6

Old Delhi. While every news channel was busy interviewing Abhishek Bachchan and Sonam Kapoor for the recently released movie Delhi-6, Faking News decided to interview the real artist of the movie – Masakali, the pigeon. The marketing managers of Delhi-6 had approached us to carry out interviews of Abhishek or Sonam, but we decided otherwise. This is the second time we are foregoing humans to interview a pigeon, as we truly believe in bird rights.

We caught up with Masakali when she was having golgappa and chaat in Chandni Chowk (now known as Delhi-6). Initially she refused to talk to us as she was very upset and unhappy with the amount of chili powder used by the chaatwala, but after persistent requests Masakali agreed for an exclusive interview. Following are the highlights of the interview:

Faking News (FN): Thanks a lot Miss Masakali for talking to us. The movie has received good reception on box-office, are you happy?

Miss Masakali (MM): Yes, I’m happy. The movie’s success is a message for producers and directors to cast more birds and animals. Remember, apart from me, kaala bandar or the Monkeyman is also there in this movie. People want to see more variety and new faces now.

FN: Yes, true, all pigeons must be very happy too. You can as well launch a party of pigeons and contest the coming general elections like actors in South India! he he he (our reporter tried to act smart ass).

MM: First of all, I’m not a pigeon, I’m a dove (Masakali showed how smart our reporter actually was) and I have no plans to become a politician. I’m just too white for this gray job, which is best rested with humans. Even the pigeons don’t like politics, they are notorious for dropping bird-crap on statutes of politicians, so I guess politics is out of question. Thanks for the appreciation though.

FN: Did you have to prepare especially for this role or it came naturally to you?

MM: I was playing a dove, so it came naturally to me. But this shouldn’t typecast me. I can play all kinds of roles given a chance. In fact just yesterday I got an offer by Farah Khan to play a romantic lead opposite Shahrukh in her next movie where SRK dies and is reborn as a pigeon in his next life.

FN: Wow! So are you signing that movie?

MM: I am yet to take a decision, but I want do films that could win Oscars. I hope Danny Boyle takes notice of me as he likes to make movies on Indian birds and animals. I heard that his movie on slumdogs of India has won him many awards.

FN: All the best for that, you definitely would get noticed as the most popular song of the movie is dedicated to you. Last time when a dove was cast in a movie (Maine Pyar Kiya) they had referred to her as Kabootar, but not this time. But tell us, why do directors always cast doves instead of pigeons?

MM: Although you should ask this question to the producers and directors, I’d try to give you an answer. As I see it, there could be only two reasons – firstly, pigeons crap too much. Can you imagine Sonam putting a pigeon on her head while dancing? She could have got a bird-dropping anytime over her face or hairs, doves don’t crap that often. Secondly, and I guess more importantly, doves are preferred over pigeons because we are fairer in skin color. We are white and they are brown. Indians are known to prefer white complexion over brown.

FN: Do you think there should be a quota for pigeons in Bollywood?

MM: Oh no! I hope humans don’t thrust their sense of fairness and equity over we pigeons. I now dread that your politicians would make the brown pigeons hate us white doves, and make them feel as if the doves were taking away their rights of acting, when in reality it’s the humans who are perpetrators of this discrimination. I would be more than happy if brown pigeons are cast in the movies, but I don’t think quota is the way. Humans have to change their mindset.

FN: Delhi-6 touches upon problems of communalism, casteism, social harmony, and other aspects, but it doesn’t talk about bird rights. Do you think Rakeysh could have done a better job?

MM: sigh! Okay, I will ask Rakeysh to make a movie on this theme next time. Till then, can you please enjoy and critique this movie for what it is, and not for what it is not?

FN: Do you have a boyfriend?

MM: Do you have a life? (flutters her wings furiously) dude, I don’t appreciate such personal questions. Maybe I have not grown into a true celebrity. Perhaps to answer your questions, I need to become more popular and attend some MTV shows or take part in Big Boss 3. So excuse me with such silly questions for now.

FN: You are very short-tempered. Were you so since your egghood?

MM: (laughs) Sorry for appearing so, but my aunty says that I should show some tantrums when talking to media persons. She says it will help me in the long run.

FN: One last question, when do you think the economic slowdown in India will end?

MM: I wonder why you guys (journalists) ask all right questions to wrong people. People like you make Bollywood actresses appear silly when they declare Nepal as a part of India, refer Republic day as a ‘holiday other than Independence Day’, and identify Sonia Gandhi as the ‘first lady of India’. I am not going to fall for the bait!

FN: Very smart! Okay, so the last question finally, where do you see yourself five years down the line?

MM: Hopefully as an unchanged and stronger symbol of world peace, in a world not torn by strife. Those are my only hope and pray.

Faking News: Wonderful Miss Masakali. It was indeed nice talking to you.

Miss Masakali: My pleasure!

Bangladeshi immigrants threaten to go back home

Mumbai. Bangladeshi nationals, allegedly staying illegally in various parts of Mumbai, have threatened to go back to their country if safety and economic conditions didn’t improve before the general elections. These immigrants are disappointed by recent terrorist activities and economic slowdown witnessed in India, and are feeling ‘cheated’.

“We came to India thinking Pakistanis can’t attack us here and we will earn more money than in Bangladesh. Now it seems Pakistanis can attack any part in India and even the money is fast vanishing. Everything is so costly now. We might have to go back to our country which seem to be doing better at this moment.” Muziburuddin Sheikh, a Bangladeshi immigrant, told Faking News.

These Bangladeshis have formed a group Bangladeshi Bachao Congregation (BBC) and are planning to meet political leaders to register their complaints and worries. BBC leaders claim that almost after three decades since they came to India, Bangladeshis have grown to a level where they can influence politics and policies of India. BBC is banking upon broad-minded and like-minded groups to back them.

BBC has found support from some leaders of Samajwadi Party and Congress, who termed their stay in India and their demands as ‘legitimate’. These leaders have assured members of BBC of better times ahead and asked them not to worry too much.

“UPA Chairperson Sonia Gandhi has already declared that petrol and diesel prices would come down further, and the country is secure after we declared new anti terror steps. These poor Bangladeshis must not worry. They are in safe hands.” Samajwadi Party leader Abu Hamza Azmi told.

But BJP and Shiv Sena have called the demands ‘outrageous’ and have pledged to defeat the nefarious designs of Bangladeshis. They have castigated Congress and Samajwadi Party for playing vote bank politics and aiding infiltration of anti-nationals into the country.

“This is ridiculous. These pests are the real reason why Pakistanis can easily attack us and why we are getting poorer. We would oppose their demands tooth and nail. They would never get a secure and prospering India so that they can breed happily.” Shiv Sena leader Sanjay Raut told Faking News, though he declined to comment if his party’s strategy was to achieve an insecure and inflationary environment to bamboozle the Bangladeshis.

Meanwhile the new government in Bangladesh, led by Sheikh Hasina, has declared that these Bangladeshis staying in India won’t be taken back as the country already had too many of them. A government official has advised BBC to go to Assam or West Bengal if they didn’t get enough support in Maharashtra, but not to even think about Bangladesh.

Unruly protestors disrupt IIM placements

Ahmedabad. A bunch of protestors barged into the campus of IIM Ahmedabad during the final placements process today and caused the process to be stalled for over four hours. These people, claiming to be members of a little known outfit called Mandi Bhagao Andolan (MBA), which literally means ‘movement to oust recession’, accused IIMs of creating an unfavorable economic scenario in the country. MBA activists have threatened to disrupt the placements again at IIM Ahmedabad and other leading business schools of the country if the placements were not stopped.

“These guys are taking away all the jobs when less and less jobs are available in the market. This will cause even more unemployment and worsen recession. Any self respecting unemployed youth of this country can’t let this shameless process of job grabbing to go on unchecked. If the government doesn’t stop IIMs from committing this loot, we would set things right.” Arjun Singh Muthalik, the spokesperson of MBA, justified the disruption in a press release.

But students of IIM Ahmedabad were not very impressed by this show of strength. They have filed a case in the local police station and asked for protection for the remaining days of the placement process, which gets over within a week.

“Last month some people had come to our campus accusing us of causing the recession, as they thought that global investment banks collapsed due to students like us who worked there. We thought that funny and idiotic, but now this is degenerating into serious threat. We don’t feel safe anymore, even recession couldn’t scare us so much.” A second year student of IIM Ahmedabad told us on conditions of anonymity.

No arrests were made in this connection till reports last came in. In fact, representatives of 'National Commission for the Unemployed' (NCU) have asked the local authorities not to make any arrests in the case. NCU members feel that while the mode of protest by MBA members was ‘a bit naughty’, the ‘root cause’ of the problem must be addressed.

“The students of IIMs have to show compassion for other students in this country who are battling bad times. Our country believes in social justice and IIMs can be no exception to it. Also, it’s the responsibility of the IIM administration to provide security on the campus, not of police.” NCU chairperson Nirmal Venkat told Faking News.

Meanwhile a group of concerned citizens, who were outraged by this disruptive activity by MBA members, have called to send pink slips to Arjun Singh Muthalik. They have created a website to solicit pink slips from all people who were recently handed out the same by their employers.

Slumdog Millionaire changes the Indian society

Mumbai. The popularity of British movie Slumdog Millionaire, widely confused to be an Indian movie by the innocent Indians, is taking shape of a craze and fad now. After the movie won 8 Academy Awards, widely known as Oscar awards, every Indian has become a fan and follower of Slumdog. Indian slum dogs, also frowned upon as stray dogs till yesterday, are getting respect and love never seen before in the Indian society.

People were seen cleaning and feeding slum dogs in many parts of the country. Many people queued up to buy or adopt these slum dogs, which inspired a few unemployed investment bankers to open a trading house for slum dogs. These bankers turned dog-sellers changed the names of most of the slum dogs into English ones before putting a price tag on them.

“I have just bought a female dog named Lassie, she is so cute even with the fleas on her left ear. My friends living in London are now jealous of me and are asking me to send them pups of Lassie, whenever they are born. I feel so important.” Sourav Roy, a resident of Colaba, told Faking News.

The movie has also given a chance to the forgotten MNS leader Raj Thackeray to come back to mainline politics. He claimed that his pet dogs James and Bond were actually slum dogs, and if he was a millionaire today, it was all due to those canine friends, and not corruption, as was the case with leaders from Bihar and Uttar Pradesh.

Raj Thackeray also advised Indian companies to start promoting slum dogs instead of foreign breeds of dogs in their marketing campaigns. His polite request, denial of which would have attracted polite protests from his supporters, was quickly accepted by Mobile telephony company Vodafone, which changed its trademark Pug with a Slumdog.

Many experts believed that Supreme Court’s decision to stay the Bombay High Court verdict allowing municipal authorities in Maharashtra to kill stray dogs was also inspired by the success of the movie. Faking News tried to contact Chief Justice to get an opinion but we were threatened with the possibility of getting sued for contempt of court, so we dropped the idea and effort.

The sudden fascination of Indians with slum dogs has also created ripples in the online world, with netizens debating the causes and effects of it. While the effects were visible everywhere in the society, the causes remained elusive. While some people maintained that Movies, along with Cricket and Politics, were the greatest influencers on the Indian psyche, some people blamed it on the slavish mentality of the Indians.

“It shouldn’t be a matter of surprise or research. Indian society is known to acknowledge the merits of anything desi (domestic) only after firangs (foreigners) have acknowledged the same. It happened with Swami Vivekanand, it happened with Mahatma Gandhi, and now it’s happening with Slumdog.” Vijay Dinanath Chauhan, a famous sociologist, commented about the trend on his blog.

Whatever be the reason, the saying “every dog has its day” has come alive with the success of Slumdog Millionaire.

India concerned over attempts to appease terrorists of Sri Lanka

New Delhi. India's ministry of external affairs is learnt to have rented all conference halls in New Delhi for an indefinite period. Indian diplomats from all capitals are being summoned for multiple conferences. The main agenda will be to deliberate on Asia's longest-running civil war in Sri Lanka, which may be nearing its end.

It was a curt statement by Robert Wood, acting spokesman of the US State Department, demanding “immediate end to the hostilities” that triggered the frenzy of diplomatic activity. The stern statement by US comes close on the heels of the European Union’s endorsement of the latest cease fire offer from Liberation Tigers of Tamil Eelam.

The offer from the designated terrorist organisation – the only one in the world possessing its own fledgling Air Force – followed a daring suicide attack on Colombo. 'Black Air Tigers', wearing cyanide-capsule pendants, flew the full length of Sri Lanka to expose its vulnerability before crashing two planes in the capital.

When asked for his comments, Foreign Minister Pranab Mukherjee said, “There should be no compromise with terrorist organisations like the Taliban. Islamabad's deal with Taliban is a matter of concern.” When reminded that it was Northern Sri Lanka that was under the discussion and not the Swat Valley, the minister retorted, “What difference does it make? Moreover, I am Finance Minister again after a long gap of 25 years and have to concentrate on economy (of words).”

Mr. Mukherjee informed that India will provide radars and technicians to Sri Lankan Air Force to crush the terrorists. Foreign Secretary Shiv Shankar Menon explained the rationale behind the step as being a part of India’s foreign policy, which always favored establishments over rebels, and favored crushing any rebellion with force.

He cited the example of the strong backing India gave till the last moment to King Gyanendra’s regime in Kathmandu, which the Maoists led by Prachanda ousted last year. Same was the case with Kabul in 1996, he said. President Najibullah had the full fledged support of New Delhi till the moment he was hanged in a street corner. His wife and three daughters were even provided asylum.

New Delhi has promised to Colombo the same type of support. On the face of it, the Sri Lankan government has been maintaining that the rebellion has been “almost finished”. President Rajapakse has even planned to open concentration camps for the 2 lakh Tamils. They have been herded, through aerial bombing and heavy artillery, into a small corner and are awaiting final assault. But LTTE has declared that they will keep fighting for Tamils.

The EU has stressed that the conflict could not be resolved by military means, adding that the military defeat of LTTE may lead to an uncontrollable humanitarian crisis. That may lead to non-conventional strikes from air and sea that may be even more deadly than Mumbai terror attacks. But India begs to differ. Pranab Mukherjee has assured Sri Lanka on being provided intelligence inputs to deal with such eventualities as India has now become an expert in receiving such attacks. Mukherjee insisted that LTTE must lay down their arms.

New Delhi feels LTTE is not justified in completely ignoring the emerging superpower in the neighbourhood and instead addressing its offer to countries like US, EU, Japan and Norway, with a copy of it to Reuters. An MEA spokesperson regretted that not a single neighbor of India was mature enough to appreciate its foreign policy based on Nehru doctrine.

To deal with this lack of maturity among the neighbors, the government was organizing multiple conferences. After the series of workshops and briefings next month, IFS honchos will return to their embassies and mount a campaign to educate the respective governments on how to deal with rebels and unfriendly minorities.

(This special news report has been brought to you by chhuchhundarbaba)