Private Air Hostesses tie Rakhi to passengers to collect funds

Mumbai. Male passengers traveling by private airlines in India got the shock of their life today when they were tied rakhi on their wrists by beautiful air hostesses in sexy costumes. Such incidents were reported on all the domestic routes where private airlines operated, cutting across air carriers owned by different corporate groups. Today is Raksha Bandhan festival and private airlines used this innovative method to protest against lack of funds.

“It was so shocking. I was sitting in the front row and was happy that I will be able to see the beautiful chick closely all through my journey. I got so excited when that sexy lady came close to me and bowed down to offer me sweets. Then to my horror, she took out a rakhi and tied it on my wrist and asked for money as a return gift. I was shell shocked to react and took out my wallet like a zombie and handed out 5000 rupees.” Manish, a passenger flying from Delhi to Mumbai told.

All the male passengers had similar experiences to share and they demanded an explanation from the private airlines. When contacted by Faking News, the top management of all the major private air carriers conceded that the air hostesses were following directives issued by the companies. They justified their conduct by claiming it to be a democratic and decent method of protest.

“When we announced a general strike, a huge hue and cry was raised by the government and media. Under public pressure we had to call off the strike, but that doesn’t mean our grievances have been sorted out. The problems remain there and we continue to bleed. We had to find a mean to protest and we thought that asking for money after tying rakhi would send across the message strongly that the sector badly needs public funds.” Vijay Mallya, owner of Kingfisher Airlines told Faking News.

The airlines refused to divulge how much funds were collected through the rakhi tying drive. Sector experts believe that the drive, whenever it ends, could indeed amass funds that could prove very helpful to the industry, but the experts cautioned against a possible public backlash.

“One of the main reasons why a typical Indian male doesn’t travel by Indian Airlines is because their air hostesses appear aunties to them. This rakhi tying drive could turn the private airlines hostesses into behenjis for such males and it could impinge their decision to travel again by the same carrier. So while this drive may have sent across the bailout message loud and clear for now, it could prove detrimental in the long run.” Hawaijeet, an airlines analyst opined.

Officials in the Civil Aviation ministry too expressed surprise over the decision of the private airlines but they ruled out any punitive actions against the private carriers as prima facie the decision appeared legal to them. But the private airlines might face some serious trouble from the Income Tax department.

“We have to see under what category such earnings would fall. These earnings can’t be recognized as charity or donations as they surely were not voluntary. The airlines should have handed out receipts to the passengers who gave out rakhi money to the air hostesses. There are many more aspects that need to be investigated and we would soon start the inquiry.” an Income Tax official told Faking News.

Indian terror camps in Balochistan messed up in corruption

Quetta, Pakistan. In a shocking discovery, Faking News has learnt that India is running absolutely pathetic terror camps in Balochistan province of Pakistan. The management of these camps is highly bureaucratic and operations are hopeless, ironically this is one of the reasons why Pakistan has not been able to prove anything till now. But according to our investigation, New Delhi has spent billions of Indian rupees over last seven years on these camps, but of no use.

Our investigations started after Pakistan allegedly handed over a mysterious dossier containing proofs of Indian involvement in running terror camps in Balochistan a couple of weeks back. Our undercover reporter faked being a porn CD supplier and reached interior areas of Balochistan to find out the truth, and the truth was shocking to say the least.

The terror camps in these areas were started by the Indian government seven years back but now they almost wear a deserted look. Our reporter found out that there were no basic amenities available at these camps and the terror trainers lacked any skills whatsoever.

“Those trainers seemed petty thieves and pickpockets from India, who had no knowledge on how to wage a guerilla warfare or stage mass murders. They tried to teach us operating hand-grenades and AK-47 rifles after reading shoddy teaching notes. Worst, we never got any hand-grenades or AK-47s to test our practical skills.” Abdul Balochi, an aspiring terrorist told us.

In course of our investigation, we found out, to our shock and disbelief, that RAW had billed millions of rupees to central government towards professional fees paid to these trainers, who were shown on paper as hardcore terrorists caught in Jammu & Kashmir. Central government was also billed a huge amount for arms and ammunitions supposedly given to the aspiring terrorists in Balochistan.

“That’s bullshit! Once we were told that hand-grenades had arrived. We ran out in excitement to open the boxes, only to find out that the boxes contained pomegranates. Later on we were told that it was due to a clerical error and won’t be repeated. When we asked if we could eat the pomegranates, we were asked to write applications in English, Hindi, Urdu, Balochi and Punjabi to seek permission. Neither hand-grenades nor pomegranates ever arrived after that.” Abdul shared his frustration.

These terror camps were supposed to pay a monthly stipend of 30,000 Indian rupees to all aspiring terrorists, and the government exchequer had thinned over past few years owing to this provision, but the ground reality, again, was far from what was shown on papers. Only a few of the trainees got the stipend, and that too of 3000 rupees. In fact, bungling was reported even in those 3000 rupees.

“Many times I was given fake Indian currencies. I could very well recognize them as my elder brother works in the Pakistani press where Indian fake currencies are printed. One of the 500 rupees note that I received had ‘I love you Abdul’ written on it. It was actually written by my girlfriend before we shipped the fake currencies to India. Apparently Indians write such slogans on currencies and we were told that such stuff would make the fake ones appear genuine to the Indian eyes.” Abdul spilled more beans.

Our investigations threw up many such startling facts that made Indian terror camps a hopeless case. The trainees of such camps were not skilled enough to even snatch wallets from Pakistani armymen, let alone liberate Balochistan. To the horror of locals, very soon coordinators of such shoddy terror camps started asking for bribes to induct new trainees. Such glaring incompetence and corruption levels saddened the locals, who slowly shifted their loyalties to Taliban, who were better in running such camps.

Currently the terror camps started by India are in dilapidated state and locals use it as a shade for their livestock. But the central government is still billed millions of rupees for the upkeep and operations of these camps. When we tried to contact RAW and government officials for their reactions over our findings, we were threatened to put behind bars for compromising with national security.

Man diagnosed with English speaking obsession beaten up

Patna. Nirad Pandey, a 39 year old father of three, who was recently diagnosed with an obsessive compulsive English speaking disorder (OCESD), suffered multiple injuries after he was thrashed black and blue by some miscreants near railway station. Nirad was reportedly arguing in English with the miscreants after they had passed some comments on him in Hindi. The argument got heated up after a while and finally ended up with nine fractured bones of Nirad in his limbs.

“They had called me kameena (rascal) and it riled me up. Those ugly mofos were sounding even fucking uglier as they spoke in Hindi with a fucking Bihari accent. How do you expect me to take some shit like this? I told those bloody bastards to mind their language or I’d have fucked their happiness by shoving pig sticks in their asses. Frustrated with my English speaking abilities, the wankers beat me up.” Nirad recounted his experience with the 'foul mouthed Hindi speaking gundas'.

Doctors of ‘rajkiya swasthya mandir’, the hospital where Nirad has been admitted by his family members, have declared him out of danger but advised a one week bed rest for him. Doctors fear that this incident could worsen the OCESD condition in Nirad.

As a school student, Nirad had won a three-day trip to England after winning a 'spoon with egg' race organized by a tour and travel company some twenty five years back. After returning from England, Nirad apparently developed a liking for speaking English in British accent with everyone. Slowly this liking grew into an obsessive compulsive disorder and Nirad refused to speak in Hindi with anyone.

Relatives say that the turning point in his condition was the incident where Nirad could score 66% more marks in his pre-board re-exams just because he answered all the questions in English in his second attempt. Nirad had confided to his family members that his new answers were nothing but mere a literal translation of his earlier answers in Hindi.

“This incident had a deep impact on Nirad and he refused to speak or write in Hindi after that. He even started talking to our maid in English. He used to have regular tiffs with people over speaking in English, especially his British accent. When he used to play cricket with friends, all the batsmen used to hard hit on his bowling as if they were hitting him in his face for his English, but such behavior only made him more resolute.” Nirad’s younger brother Niraj told Faking News.

Nirad had banned use of Hindi in his home and regularly used to beat up his kids for speaking in Hindi. This is the first time he has been beaten up for speaking in English.

“This won’t change anything. Hindi speaking fucktards lack confidence and they are plain jealous of people like us. They should raise their standards for god’s sake instead of trying to bring us down. This is so fucking disgusting and it can happen only in India.” Nirad expressed his frustration and appealed to Hindi speakers to gain some knowledge and culture.

Outrage over Prime Minister’s beer party with Emraan Hashmi

New Delhi. The decision of Prime Minister Manmohan Singh to arrange a beer party with Bollywood actor Emraan Hashmi and members of the housing society that allegedly refused Emraan a house for being a Muslim, has run into troubled waters. Although the decision was touted as a great step towards fostering communal harmony in the society, the same is now turning into a slugfest for religious beliefs.

Manmohan Singh’s original plan was to invite Emraan, members of the housing society, Mumbai Police officials, and a few religious leaders like Baba Ramdev from Hindu and Muslim sects over a beer party to discuss issues like religious discrimination of minorities. Prime Minister’s Office had claimed that Emraan would happily end up buying a house in the same society and all the religious leaders would jointly issue a statement appealing peaceful cohabitation of all Indians.

Prime Minister’s decision faced its first criticism when some Muslim groups objected to the presence of liquor based beverages in a party attended by as pious a Muslim as Emraan. These groups issued a fatwa that Emraan and other religious leaders would be boycotted by the Muslim society if they attended a party espousing consumption of liquor.

Before Emraan and others could react, Hindu groups retaliated with threats of mass agitation if Prime Minister succumbed to the unrealistic demands of Muslims. These groups lamented the culture of Muslim appeasement in India and insisted that not only liquor, pork should also have been a part of the menu of the beer party.

Although Baba Ramdev didn’t agree with such Hindu groups, he agreed that serving beer was a bad idea. Baba thought that beer made a person queer which had given rise to homosexuality in India. He instead suggested a joint yoga session of Emraan and the housing society members to ward off the differences. Sources inform that Baba Ramdev might throw his own party.

If these religious protests were not enough, liquor baron Vijay Mallya also joined the chorus and lambasted the PMO for having approached the Australian beer company Fosters for serving beer at the proposed party. Mallya accused the government of being insensitive towards domestic industries and declared that he would plan for a ‘beer black out’ on 18th August when all private airlines including his Kingfisher Airlines would go on a strike seeking a government bailout.

Following these reactions, PMO is in a fix over what to do with the proposed beer party. Emraan Hashmi too has gone into hiding and sources close to him say that he has dropped his plans to buy any house for the time being. Police arrested some Hindu and Muslim activists outside his house planning some kinds of protests. Fearing a public backlash, Prime Minister has appealed for communal harmony and suspended his beer party indefinitely.

No obscenity, striptease at Sourav’s followed Ganguly’s heroics

Kolkata. Managers of Sourav’s, the restaurant owned by former Indian cricket team captain Sourav Ganguly, have rejected the claims of a local television channel that the restaurant hosted exotic dancers and was engaged in flesh trade. Sourav’s had come under scanner after a Bengali television channel carried out a sting operation showing blurry visuals of dancers, who were apparently taking off their clothes in a vulgar manner while negotiating with ‘customers’.

“This is absurd and there clearly is a conspiracy behind it. We do have dancers performing at our restaurant during weekends. But they don’t indulge in striptease or pole dancing. They just take off their shirts like dada had done at Lord’s. We want our customers to never forget dada’s heroics and golden moments. How can it be deemed as obscene when the whole world had watched it several times?” restaurant manager wondered.

Ganguly’s supporters also think that the sting operation was carried out to malign their dada. They have demanded a CBI enquiry into the whole episode.

“The TV channel is being funded by foreigners. Either Buchanan or Chappell is behind this. These guys are just plain jealous and terrified with dada’s magic. Put them in jail!” a dada supporter demanded.

Sourav Ganguly couldn’t be contacted for comments. BCCI declined to comment saying that since the incident didn’t happen on any of the BCCI owned restaurants, their hands were clean. When contacted by Faking News, Shahrukh Khan denied that the incident could negatively impact Sourav Ganguly’s chances to play for his IPL team next year but he expressed interest in hiring the restaurant dancers as cheerleaders for the next season of IPL.