Al-Qaida to lay off 15000 jobs in India

Malegaon, Maharashtra. Economic downturn has finally hit the terrorism sector as well. Leading terrorist organization Al-Qaida has announced plans to lay off 15000 of its workers in India. While the step has created unrest in rank and files of Al-Qaida, the organization has asked its workers to support the mission in tough times. It also denied similar job-cuts in other countries for the time being, in fact officials hinted that there could be fresh recruitments in neighboring Pakistan.

“Everyone, including the kaafirs, realize that the world economy is going through a rough phase. Had the world adopted the true I-banking (Islamic banking) instead of satanic I-banking (investment banking or infidel banking), we would have been spared of this agony. Our decision is an example of how pious Muslims have to suffer due to presence of kaafirs and their policies in this world. We’d continue our fight to wipe them off.” Al-Qaida founder CEO Mr. Osama Bin Laden told Faking News from a secret barrack in a secret place.

Form this barrack, Osama also demanded that if Al-Qaida continues to suffer from bad financial condition, Islamic countries around the world should come together and prepare a bailout package, just as Christian countries are bailing out infidel bankers, failing which he would announce a jihad against these Islamic countries as well.

Talking about the planned layoffs in India, Mr. Bin Laden told that this unfortunate decision was taken due to various factors apart from the glum business scenario in the largely Hindu country.

“Competition is growing quite stiff in India from friendly as well as hostile organizations, especially with elections around. Anyone, just about anyone, seems to be capable of carrying out terrorist strike in India and not get caught or punished. In such a scenario, Al-Qaida loses its brand pull factor and has been unable to leverage our core competency. We can’t support our workers for long when we are fast losing business. I’m pained to take this decision, but I’m not under any pressure.” Mr. Bin Laden averred.

But sources say that the organization has gone into such bad financial conditions as they had taken very risky positions on posthumous honor, houri and housing loans, which they sold indiscriminately to thousands, some suspect the number to be in millions, of their supporters in India in shape of promis(e)sor(r)y notes and bonds.

Their supporters, families of their supporters, and even some non-member supporters of the supporters had recently started queuing up to cash out their bonds and p-notes after some successful operations by the organization, which put the organization in a quandary. The rising cost of operations in Pakistan, Iraq and Afghanistan and falling interest rates from various quarters had already put Al-Qaida in a liquidity crunch, and the demands from India pushed it in a severe liquidity crisis, which ultimately forced it to announce job cuts.

“We had told Mr. Laden that some alternative arrangements could be made. Many of our Hindu supporters and even competitors in India would have worked out a bailout plan for us. Our businesses enjoy impeccable synergies and we strongly felt that we could have reached out to them, but Mr. Laden refused to take help from infidels and instead announced this massive lay off.” an Indian post holder of Al-Qaida told Faking News on conditions of anonymity.

The news seemed to have created panic not only in Indian markets but abroad as well. While Sensex fell 786 points as soon as the news came out in public, oil prices started moving up after continuously falling for last few days. Supporters of other terrorist organizations in India are reported to be mulling over cashing out various bonds and p-notes held by them. Abhinav Bharati Kankaria, who holds a bond which is due to mature in May 2009, was one of such persons.

“I think there is no point holding it for so long in such a situation. If a big and international organization like Al-Qaida can’t guarantee security to its members, my organization, which is a small-cap company and which has already started struggling after the IPO (initial punitive operation), can’t guarantee me anything. I am going to cash out today itself.” Abhinav Bharati told Faking News.

Meanwhile Finance Minister of India has asked banks and financial institutions like ATS (advantage tricks sponsors) to cut down interest rates so that troubled organizations can raise money from the market and keep their operations alive.