Taliban accepts Plant Psychology, bans haraam vegetables

Swat Valley, Pakistan. Taliban has declared that Plant Psychology, a rather disputed field of study under Plant Physiology, is compatible with its own version of Islam. After researching and vegetating investigating for decades, Taliban scholars have finally concluded that plants and vegetables have life and they react to physical and psychological stimuli i.e. plants don’t only feel pain and agony, but they can even hate you for mistreating them.

“Subhanallah! This is a tight slap on the face of infidels who have been calling us backward and enemies of modern science. Our wise men have been able to conclude what the kaafirs couldn’t even comprehend. Inshallah, now we will spread the light of our knowledge everywhere.” Taliban chief Maulana Mushroom Azahar declared from a mountain top.

But this ‘discovery’ by Taliban has caused them to issue a rather quirky command for the whole Muslim world, which has been already implemented in the swat valley. Taliban scholars have concluded that since plants and vegetables are as good as animals now, halaal or the prescribed method of slaughtering, will apply to plants and vegetables too.

“With this new information bestowed upon us by Allah, it’s beyond doubt that chopping or cutting of vegetables is as good as slaughtering of an animal and hence the current style of vegetable cutting is haraam. Muslims all over the world are indulging in this sin unknowingly, but now that we have shown them the true path they must reform themselves or will have to face the wrath of Allah.” Mushroom Azahar warned the gathering and asked his supporters to behead anyone chopping vegetables in jhatka style i.e. cutting the vegetables into split pieces in quick succession.

This new command is reportedly causing a lot of inconvenience to local population, especially to the housewives, who now have to spend almost the whole day preparing food. Women have to first swipe vegetables with a sharp knife without splitting it into two or more pieces, and then wait till the moisture or natural juice of the vegetables have dried up considerably before cutting them into separate and smaller pieces. Women have been unable to do anything else other than cooking food since the command has been implemented in the valley.

Restaurants in the region too have been seeing huge backlog as they have been unable to meet demand for vegetables from people. Such developments have caused everyone in the area to spend more time on food preparation and consumption, but not many are complaining.

“After they banned playing football, watching television, and going to school, we had a lot of free time and we didn’t know what to do. Now all of us are busy cutting and chopping vegetables. I guess they have done a nice job.” Assif Zardari, a local resident told our reporter.