Monkeyman to fight Delhi Assembly Elections

New Delhi. After Election Commission of India announced the dates for assembly elections in five states on Tuesday, political atmosphere got charged up in the whole country. The atmosphere got further charged up when Faking News headquarters was visited by an aspiring leader. Surprise surpise! He was not any cricketer or actor or businessman, he was the one and the only Monkeyman!

Yes, the same Monkeyman who had gone into hibernation after making (faking?) news around seven years back, when most areas of Delhi reported alleged attacks on common man by him. He is back, and he says he will fight assembly elections of Delhi, scheduled to be held on November 29.

Our newsroom was full of excitement to see Monkeyman. He clearly had grown old and his face had wrinkles. But he didn’t seem to have lost any steam. Following are the main excerpts from of the EXCLUSIVE interview Mr. Monkeyman gave to Faking News:

Faking News (FN): Monkeyman ji, thank you very much for talking exclusively to us. But tell us, why did you choose Faking News to announce your decision to contest Delhi assembly elections?

Monkeyman (MM): I believe that Faking News, unlike other news sources, will not put any spin on my decision and won’t mix their own opinion with whatever I say, so I straightway came to your office as soon as I decided to fight elections. Also, I don’t think such an important news about me would be lost among fake news of farmer suicides or other news no one in India wants to read.

FN: Great! First tell us where were you for the last seven years, and why have u suddenly decided to fight elections?

MM: I had gone to Tibet. Those Seven Years In Tibet left a great impact on me when I saw people suffering under an autocratic rule. I had always wanted to raise my voice against such injustices, but Chinese authorities didn’t allow me to fight elections. They firmly believed that elections were ‘held’ and wars were ‘fought’. But since my interest was in ‘fighting’ elections, I came back to India.

FN: But you are accused of criminal activities and you also left the country without informing the authorities. You are a fugitive. To add to that, you are just half-human. Do you think you would be allowed to fight elections?

MM: My advocate Krishna Jethmalani will give you an appropriate reply. But I am surprised that you asked me such a question. I was watching TV in Tibet some weeks back and I saw criminals coming to vote on a confidence motion in the national parliament. Whereas I’m just an accused, nothing has been proved against me.

FN: Why should people of Delhi, who were terrorized by you, vote for you?

MM: Pick your words carefully. Do you mean to say I’m a terrorist? If you think I’m just half-human, then surely I can never be a full-terrorist. And do you even know what happened seven years back? I had started patrolling on the streets of Delhi to hunt for criminals and anti-social men to beat them up. Unfortunately since I don’t look good, people mistook me for some bad guy and got panicky. Those anti-social men saw an opportunity to defame me and started attacking common people wearing monkey masks and dresses.

FN: You mean to say you never attacked any Delhi resident? And sketches released by Police were not yours?

MM: Initially I had attacked some anti-social elements trying to rob people in night or to molest working women returning home late night; these attacks by me were never reported by media. All the media reported attacks on common people were not done by me but by those anti-social men whom I tried to attack. You can remember that police had released two sketches. How can I be 4’6” and 5’6” tall at the same time? Clearly they were different people wearing monkey masks to defame me. And why on earth will I wear a helmet? That helmet guy, who wore a monkey mask to defame me, was part of the bikers’ gang, which the Delhi police had recently claimed to have busted.

FN: Why should we believe you?

MM: If you can believe in aliens and witches, you can as well believe me. Hasn’t Delhi seen a rise in crime rate in recent year, especially in the night, since I was forced to leave this country? Even if you go by police complaints against me which have not been proved by the way, tell me how many people I have knocked down while driving? How many working women I have molested or killed? How many bikes have I snatched? How many senior citizens have I murdered? How many bombs blasts I engineered? Do you get my point?

FN: Yeah, sure. You want to be considered innocent till proven guilty. But normally that doesn’t happen when police department is against you, and you could be a Muslim, Hindu, Man or Monkey. I think you should also get my point.

MM: Yeah, I do understand. But I expect true mediapersons like you to raise voice. It’s not about me being a Muslim, Hindu, Man or Monkey. If Police is trying to cover up their incompetence by nailing me to the wall, you have to ask questions to them and to the state, not to save me but to save sanity. I expect Faking News to do that. And I have full faith in Indian judicial system. It takes too much time but I guess I’ll get justice.

FN: All the best for that. Now tell us which political party would you represent in coming elections?

MM: None. Although it’s just BJP vs Congress here in Delhi, I’ll go with neither as I consider both of them as my enemies. BJP had tried to contact me and offered to project me as Hanuman bhakt, but I have seen what they have done with Ram bhakts, I don’t trust them. Congress has not contacted me yet, not even with any offer of money, and I’m happy about that. I will fight as an independent candidate and am confident of winning.

FN: Which segment of the society would you target as your primary voters? Who would form the cadre of your support base?

MM: See, fortunately I don’t belong to any religion or caste, and hence I’m happy that the option of forming a cadre doesn’t even exist for me. And what do you mean by this cadre and primary voters? Is it a collaboration to serve people or competition to sell soaps, where you identify your primary target audiences? This is not my idea of fighting elections.

FN: What changes would you bring about in Delhi if you win?

MM: I hope to kick out all anti-social elements out of Delhi again through special patrolling in night. I’ll employ a special cell of Delhi police to finish the task I couldn’t even begin properly seven years back. Through my good work, I want to win hearts of common man and show them that if someone, who is ugly and not even considered a full human being, can act in a selfless manner, why should human looking politicians of India not do the same.

Faking News: Monkeyman ji, thanks for talking to Faking News, we wish you all the best.

Monkeyman: My pleasure.