Rafael Nadal wins Padmashree award

Melbourne, Australia. Even as Tennis superstar Rafael Nadal battled for five hours to defeat compatriot Fernando Verdasco and to give himself a chance to win the Australian Open title, he was surprised to learn that he had won another title without even serving for a set. Nadal was chosen by the Government of India to receive Padmashree title, an award given for distinguished contribution in various spheres of activities. Nadal was further surprised that he was awarded not for his contribution to Sports, but for Social Service.

“Just after I won the semi-final against Fernando, I was given this letter by my manager. The letter is from your Padma Award committee and it congratulates me for having won Padmashree award for social service in India. I am happy, but this is a bit confusing, and I can’t think straight after that gruelling match, but I am happy. I love India. Namaste” Nadal told our reporter.

Tennis fans in India too celebrated the news and hoped that finally the government was taking steps to promote different sports rather than just Cricket. Fans wanted Nandal to win the Australian Open title and then come to India, riding on an elephant, to receive the Padmashree award. Although there was a minor scuffle amongst the fans over the choice of Nadal or Federer for winning the title, they all wanted Nadal to come to India.

When Faking News tried to get the government opinion if they would provide an elephant to Nadal, we found that the authorities were pretty hush-hush about the whole affair and were speaking equivocally on everything. We smelt something fishy, and on further investigation we were shocked to find out that Nadal’s Padmashree award was another goof up by the Padma Award committee. The government had scored a double fault.

Our investigation started from the moment we found out that Nadal’s name for the award was proposed by the Mainpuri unit of Youth Congress in Uttar Pradesh. Surprising as it was, because Nadal was not even an Italian tennis player, we decided to probe further. We were helped by the fact that the letter of recommendation written by Youth Congress had ‘Nadal’ written in all capital letters. We instantly knew it must be a name of some organization.

We looked up in the governed records to find out that NADAL actually stood for “National Authority for Dalits’ Advancement and Liberty “. It is an organization formed last year under the Societies Act of India and Rahul Gandhi was the president emeritus of NADAL. Local Youth Congress unit had proposed NADAL’s name for Padmashree award to recognize NADAL’s social work among the dalits of the area. Rahul Gandhi would have received the award on NADAL’s behalf.

It seems the Padma Award committee confused NADAL as being the tennis star Rafael Nadal because there was no mention of Rahul Gandhi in the letter of recommendation by Youth Congress. But we are still clueless as how the committee members could still categorize Rafael Nadal as a notable contributor in social service. Nevertheless, now the government is trying to cover up and make a virtue out of an unforced error.

“Rafeal Nadal has indeed done social service. He has tried to bring down the monopoly created by Roger Federer in the tennis world, and we thought we should recognize his talents.” was the lame excuse given by a committee member when we tried to probe what we are calling the 'Padmagate' scandal.

Amar Singh ropes in Blagojevich to counter Shibu Soren

Illinois, USA. Jharkhand Mukti Morcha (JMM) chief and former Chief Minister of Bihar’s neighbor, Shibu Soren, is in for formidable competition. For, former Governor (never to contest again in US) of Illinois, Rod Blagojevich has decided to shift to India. Blagojevich has the distinction of being the first US governor in more than two decades to be removed by impeachment. He had been accused of trying to auction off the US senate seat vacated by Barack Obama, the US president.

Faking News learns that feelers had been sent to him by Congress when his impeachment had become certain. UPA Chairperson Sonia Gandhi was keen on getting a young high-profile professional to groom crown prince Yuvraj Rahul Gandhi in worldly affairs. She was concerned that most of her senapatis (lieutenants) were in their 70s and 80s and the only news they were creating were speculations about their health.

Her party had assembled a brilliant team of lawyers, headed by Harvard-educated Kapil Sibal, to provide counsel to the beleaguered governor. The star of the team was V R Manohar, BCCI boss Shashank Manohar’ father. The celebrated lawyer had successfully defended cricketer Harbhajan Singh from an ICC-appointed New Zealand judge last year.

Blagojevich was extensively briefed to argue, "There is no evidence before your body here - no evidence, zero - that shows any wrongdoing by me as governor." Even his reaction after the vote was drafted by the Indian team and conveyed online in a video conference: "I haven't done anything wrong. I look forward to proving my innocence, clearing my name and that's what's gonna happen."

But in a startling development, Amar Singh managed to bag the US politico, upsetting the Madam Gandhi’s plans. He said he was keeping a watch on the development ever since PM Manmohan Singh betrayed him in July 2008 and went back on the understanding with SP. He was referring to the non-fulfillment of the wholesale bargain he had struck for the entire herd of party MPs.

According to documents available with Faking News, Amar Singh had provided a dossier to the Illinois boss, proving that the Congress promises were only as much dependable as Ramalinga Raju’s Satyams. Sonia had offered an exit option to the governor in case the strategy of the legal eagles did not click. She was confident of getting him into Indian Parliament despite his foreign origin.

Party spokesman Veerappa Moily met Blagojevich and assured him that his skill sets were highly valued in India. He gave the example of how the party had rewarded the equally talented Shibu Soren in return for his party’s vote in sealing Indo-US nuke agreement.

Although the PM could not restore his ministerial post in the Union Cabinet, Moily explained, Soren was offered a repeat term as Jharkhand CM. While conceding that Blagojevich’s record was indeed impeccable, he stressed that Soren holds even better record of an MP driving straight from Parliament to Tihar Jail, to serve time after his conviction was upheld.

The Illinois governor was in two minds whether to shift to India, doubting if he would be eclipsed by the JMM boss. What forced him to ditch Congress and go to SP, ironically, was the attitude of a staunch Congress ally, Lalu Prasad Yadav, the chief of RJD. The Railway minister had ganged up with some Hindi belt Congressmen to reject the proposal to enthrone Shibu’s confidante Champai Soren in the neighbouring state.

Shibu Soren, who had to step down yet again on the frivolous grounds of losing a bye election, had to eat a humble pie. Although outwardly he declared, “To maintain the unity of UPA, we have proposed (the) two new names. It is up to the central UPA leaders to decide about unity of UPA in the state," he was furious at Lalu in private. Sources say he shouted, “Did I come in between when he decided that Rabri Yadav would succeed him as Bihar CM, when he was forced to step down?”

The sleuths the American Democrat had hired submitted a report confirming Amar Singh’s projection that both Shibu and Lalu were likely to join Congress any time. Both would consider the phorener as their common rival if Madam gives him too much importance. No wonder, Roddie developed cold feet and decided to throw his weight behind Amar Singh.

(This special report has been brought to you by chhuchhundarbaba)

Mahatma Gandhi assassinated by unidentified gunman

New Delhi. Veteran Congress leader and Father of the Nation, Mohandas Karamchand Gandhi, also known as Bapu, was shot dead by an unidentified gunman today. Mahatma Gandhi was going to attend an evening prayer when a person fired three shots from point blank range, fatally injuring the Mahatma.

Mahatma was 140 years old and had retired from active politics exactly 61 years back.

“That guy touched his feet, and when Mahatma was blessing him, he rose up and fired three bullets into Bapu’s chest,” a BBC reporter present at the spot told Faking News.

No Indian journalist, whether belonging to a television channel or printing company, was present at the scene as Indian journalists had stopped following Gandhi’s activities ever since he retired from active politics.

But now, after Mahatma has been murdered, suddenly the interest levels in Gandhi have gone up.

Google hot trends, depicting most searched keywords by Indians, saw words like ‘old Indian father’ ‘khaadi tycoon’ ‘saint murdered’ etc. being searched more frequently than usual keywords like ‘sex’ ‘jobs’ and ‘India-Sri Lanka match’. News channels too included this news of assassination in their news bulletins apart from their special bulletins on crime news.

Political parties too have taken note of the assassination and have started blaming each other for the tragic development. Congress, the party that Mahatma wanted to dissolve post independence, has accused Hindu groups of plotting the assassination to disturb the communal harmony of the country. Congress claimed that Mahatma was still a member of the party when he was killed.

Samajwadi Party, which has solemnly tried to bring back Gandhi to mainstream politics by fielding the modern-age Gandhi Sanajy Dutt, too echoed their ally’s sentiments and asked for a ban on RSS. Party leader Amar Singh further suspected that Uttar Pradesh Chief Minister Kumari Behen Mayawati could be hand-in-glove with the assassins as she had earlier attacked Mahatma for calling dalits as harijans.

But BJP has rubbished such charges and has suggested that Pakistan backed Muslim terrorists might have assassinated the Hindu saint, as he was going to attend a Hindu prayer. Party has further suggested that some leaders of Congress could also be involved as they didn’t want any other Gandhi to exist other than Sonia, Rahul and Priyanka. BJP asked why Bapu was not rushed to any nearby government hospital after being shot but instead taken to Birla House, and suggested that there could be a conspiracy behind the murder.

There were also reports of ethnic clashes between Brahmins and Baniyas in some parts of the country after a television news channel claimed that the killer of the Mahatma was a Brahmin. It should be noted that Mahatma Gandhi belonged to the Baniya caste of the Hindu caste system. This fact too was presented by BJP as being a conspiracy to weaken its Brahmin-Baniya support base ahead of the general elections.

Away from the political chaos, many Indians expressed grief over the sad development and have demanded that the assassination plotters must be arrested and brought to book. They wanted to know more about Gandhi and his ideals and asked if Gandhian philosophy could fight the economic recession. Faking News reporter expressed his intellectual inability to answer the question.

India’s first gay cartoon character launched

Mumbai. Leading cartoonist Karan Khan has announced the arrival of his latest creation – a frog called Gaydhak (गेढक). Gaydhak has orange spots on its largely green skin, and walks upright like human beings. It leaps only when it sees a fellow male frog, which gives it a gay character and makes it the first gay cartoon hero of India. Gaydhak will soon be seen in one of the leading newspapers in India as a daily comic strip.

“We Indians are becoming more and more accepting and liberal. Many people are now publicly accepting that they are gay and I thought it was high time when we had a gay cartoon hero as well. Gaydhak is a tribute to India’s pluralism.” Karan Khan told, hoping that adventures of the gay frog will remove misconceptions and prejudices against homosexuals in India.

When asked why he had not made Gaydhak wear his underwear over his dress, as is the case with most of the superheroes, Karan Khan clarified that he didn’t want gays to be perceived as superhuman but as normal people. Karan further informed that Gaydhak didn’t possess any special powers and would not rescue the world from evil forces. He would be a normal gay living in a fictitious place called 'Gaytham City'.

The adventures of Gaydhak will be published in one of the leading newspapers, name of which was not disclosed by Karan due to ‘professional reasons’. The mystery has caused a lot of curiosity among people, who are planning to buy all newspapers tomorrow morning to read the inaugural strip. But a controversy too is brewing among all this mystery and curiosity.

Although Karan Khan denied it, but our sources confirm that some Hindu groups have threatened to blacken the face of Karan Khan if he went ahead and launched Gaydhak. Faking News received an e-mail sent by a group, calling itself Amar Hindu Sena (AHS), which claimed that Gaydhak was hurtful to Hindu sentiments and had potential of defiling young Hindu minds.

“There are saffron spots on the frog, which Karan Khan has deliberately put to hurt Hindu sentiments. In traditional Hindu culture, a frog has been a symbol of rain and happiness but this is a Muslim conspiracy to erode Hindu traditions. Karan Khan will have to pay dearly for this.” the e-mail threatened.

Within minutes of receiving this e-mail, we received another threatening e-mail from a group calling itself Ahl Hadees Sipaah (AHS), which claimed that Gaydhak was unislamic in character and hurtful to Muslim sentiments. The group has given an ultimatum to Karan Khan to take back Gaydhak or at least change its color of skin to non-green, failing which the cartoonist will be beheaded.

Despite Faking News making these e-mails public, Karan Khan refused to comment on the controversy and told that he would rather concentrate on adventures of Gaydhak. But rights group expressed outrage over such threats and have asked the government to provide police protection to the cartoonist. Government has assured of taking appropriate steps in this regard.

Meanwhile some parents too expressed unhappiness over possibility of a gay cartoon becoming famous among their children. These parents have decided to beat up their children if they followed adventures of Gaydhak, although they expressed interest to know more about the gay frog.

“Mangalore pub attack is a problem of the elite India”

New Delhi. Various thinkers and media analysts have criticized Indian media’s handling of Mangalore pub attack where some girls and women were beaten up by an outfit called either Sri Ram Sena or Sri Ram Sene (SRS in either case) for allegedly disrespecting Indian culture. These thinkers and analysts believe that Indian media ‘over-reported’ and ‘over-hyped’ a problem that is endemic only to the elite class. They have appealed to the Indian media to stop calling attack on the Mangalore pub as attack on Indian ethos.

“The Indian media has become a tool for the elite and by the elite. They over-hyped the Mumbai terror attacks, which were clearly an attack on the elite India, by calling it an attack on whole India, and now they are doing the same in case of Mangalore pub beating case. There are no pubs in rural India or even in smaller cities. This is clearly a problem of the elite and let them deal with it. Let’s not involve the whole Indian society into it.” Arundhati Roy, a writer, thinker, philosopher, media-critic, activist, etc., told Faking News.

These thinkers and analysts accused media of having a class bias, which was responsible for creating divisions in the society on the basis of class and language. Some thinkers additionally thought that this bias was mainly due to 'caste' factors as most of the journalists in India belonged to the upper castes and were suffering from Brahminical mentality.

“Why do these television channels not raise such a hue and cry when a dalit woman is raped in some remote village of the country? Is that not an attack on Indian women and Indian ethos? Most of those girls and women beaten up in the pubs were either Brahmins or Baniyas, and hence the media is making such a big issue out of it. Down with the manuwadi and casteist mentality.” Udit Krishna, president of Dalit Patrakar Sangh (DPS), told Faking News.

We tried to get reactions of leading editors of various Indian media houses over the issue, but they asked us to excuse them. One of the CEOs of a leading news channels however commented, on conditions of anonymity, that media bashing had become fashionable in times of recession as more and more people were becoming jobless. He hoped that the economic conditions improved and such unnecessary criticism of media subsided.

Kids beaten up for taking part in immoral TV shows

Mangalore. Activists of a recently formed and little known organization Bal Ganesh Sena (BGS) beat up some school going kids at the sets of a television reality show based on dance competition amongst the kids. Little boys and girls were pushed on the sets and chased away by danda wielding activists, who were mostly in the age group of 18-35 years, and a couple of kids were also beaten up when they tried to argue with the activists of BGS. While the whole nation was shocked to witness this hooliganism, BGS people claimed it to be a tirade against rampant Child Labor in India.

“This is an age when these kids should be studying to become doctors and engineers, and here they are wasting time and resources of the nation by dancing and cracking filthy jokes. These young girls would grow to become bar dancers and the boys will become gigolos. This is not Indian culture, we will never allow it. All these kids must go back to schools before it is too late.” W Bachcharappa, the founder and president of BGS told Faking News.

The state government, led by BJP’s Dr.B. S. Yediyurappa, has come under attack from several quarters over this ‘moral policing’. Opposition Congress has alleged that such acts and attacks on kids and other underprivileged sections of the society have grown up since BJP came to power in Karnataka. The party has demanded resignation of the Chief Minister if he failed to secure arrest of the culprits and office bearers of BGS within 24 hours.

“We are a democracy. We can’t allow such acts to take place in our civilized society. We recognize and accept a child’s right to work and lead a life the way he or she wants. When congress was in power, we had allowed everything to these children. They can work on television stations or railway stations, who are we to intervene?” Congress leader Renuka Chaudhary told.

Meanwhile the children who were beaten up by the activists were apparently too shocked to say anything. We asked them many questions like ‘how did they feel after being beaten up’ and ‘do they support such public beatings’, but most of them decided not to respond. But their parents spoke up against the deeds of BGS.

“Do those gundas know better than us what is good for our children? Our kids are better educated and cultured than those shameless grown up donkeys who beat up these little angels. Our kids even earn more than those jobless jokers. They are plain jealous of these facts and were just expressing their frustration by such acts. But they must be arrested.” Mukesh Bhatt, father of a nine year old girl, told Faking News.

Other civil society organizations and human rights groups too have condemned this moral policing and have squarely blamed BJP for this growing goondaism. Although BJP condemned the violence, they appealed to the parents to provide better education and upbringing to their kids, which the party thought was the main cause of such occurrences. The party remained non-committal over the issue of arrests of activists of BGS, saying ‘the law will take its own course’.

Danny Boyle criticizes Republic Day parade

Mumbai. Director of the British movie Slumdog Millionaire has criticized Indian government for showing poverty during the Republic Day parade of India. The director, Danny Boyle, particularly referred to the tableau of Maharashtra that passed through the Rajpath in New Delhi during the parade to commemorate the 60th Republic Day of India. The tableau seemed to showcase the state of Maharashtra, which also houses the metropolitan city of Mumbai, as a state where people reared sheep and lived in huts.

“I don’t know what is the thought behind such stuff. It could have done only by an Indian. I’ve been to Mumbai and seen young boys and girls smooching in public and moving in swanky cars. I could see a couple of cows but no sheep on roads. And on the republic day of India, I see the state containing Mumbai being represented by a semi-clad man carrying sheep on his shoulder. What is India trying to show to the world?” Danny asked, saying he was shocked.

Danny suggested that Indians should get over the perception that poverty symbolized the richness of a culture. He told that such shows on such important days reinforced the belief among the westerners that India had no millionaires but only slum dwellers. He further claimed that his movie Slumdog Millionaire was trying to change that perception, and Indians must watch it and pray that it got Oscar Awards.

“It’s a choice you Indians have to make. You show ballistic missiles and bare bellies at the same time. It’s such a dichotomy. The west knows Taliban as the only people who have no clothes but lot of weapons. Do you want to be seen like them? The truth is you are a country of millionaires, in fact billionaires. Time to change gears, folks.” Danny told.

Faking News tried to get the government reaction on Mr. Boyle’s suggestions, but government officials were unavailable as it was a national holiday. They also had switched off their mobile phones. Faking News tried to get the public opinion on this aspect and we got mixed reactions.

“Danny is a foreigner and he should not try to meddle in our internal affairs. I think as a British he is plain jealous of the fact that on our republic day, Obama has declared that USA is the best friend of India. He is missing Tony and Bush and out of frustration he is issuing such statements. Or maybe due to the solar eclipse, some bad planets had affected his thinking.” P R Patil, a resident of Mumbai, told Faking News.

But there were other Indians who thought Danny Boyle was right and the government should overhaul the republic to reflect the true image of India. Such people couldn’t come up with any specific suggestions for the government, but told that the movie Slumdog Millionaire was a good beginning.

Obama administration grants visa to Modi

Ahmedabad/New Jersey. With President Obama earnestly winding back gross injustices by the previous administration, the insult it had heaped upon five crore Gujaratis has been undone. A fresh visa has been issued to Gujarat chief minister Narendra Modi. The US visa of the elected representative of the most prosperous state of the biggest democracy in the world had been revoked by the earlier regime.

The deplorable act by former President George Bush was ostensibly based on charges that the Modi government mutely witnessed, if not actively aided, the anti-Muslim pogrom in Gujarat in 2002. Quarters inimical to the interests of Gujarat, including the National Human Rights Commission, had blown up skirmishes as a sort of ethnic cleansing although such charges have not been upheld in the Supreme Court to date.

As EU countries too took the lead from US and made it clear that the CM was not welcome there, top bureaucrats had to put in tremendous efforts to scan the world map to locate obscure foreign capitals their boss could travel to.

As if to compensate for the agony caused to Modi due to the insult, the new Secretary of State has extended a special invite to White House. Hillary Clinton told news persons: “He is the only one in India to endorse the US stand publicly although most others do so in private. It is in our interests to cultivate this man.” She was referring to the loud noises of New Delhi demanding that Pakistan hand over of suspected masterminds behind the Mumbai terrorist attacks.

Faking News learns that the CM’s trip to US will be organised in record time upon actual receipt of the visa. Bureaucrats have already started contacting top business tycoons of the country. They are confident of organizing the biggest ever business delegation to accompany Modi, who has been certified as ‘Prime Ministerial material’ by the honchos.

At New Jersey, American Moteliers Association chief Mahendrabhai Motel (His tribe, controlling the Motel business in US, has changed surname from Patel to Motel) was pleased at the decision. His lobby group had mounted a vigorous campaign to obtain the visa for the icon. He was however bitter that the international media chose to black out this far-reaching decision.

Instead, he complained, all attention was reserved for the other two measures announced on Day One - lifting the ban on international aid to NGOs that advocate abortion and closing down the concentration camp at Guanta NaMo. The AMA chief speculated that the thought of Guanta NaMo must have come to Barackbhai when he was considering the more pressing issue of visa to Modi. For, Narendra Modi is fondly known as NaMo among non-resident Gujaratis, living legally or illegally in US, who campaigned for Obama.

However, Mahendrabhai denied credit for securing the White House invit. He said: “Our lobby group is now in recess. Maybe it was Sonalben who got things through.” He was referring to Sonal Shah, former Google Philanthropy executive selected as an advisory member in Obama’s 15-member transition team.

Sonal Shah dismissed the rumours as vehemently as the earlier ones highlighting her purported connection with VHP. She however acknowledged India’s contribution in her rise to fame, because the country has any number of poor people whom she could channelize Google’s philanthropy to.

Faking News had to conduct extensive investigations to trace the person instrumental in the visa restoration to Narendrabhai and his White House invit. It happened to be Yousufbhai. When confronted with the scoop, Yousuf Raza Gilani challenged it, asking for credible evidence. Distinguishing between ‘evidence’ and ‘information’, the Pakistan PM said he had only brought certain information to US knowledge and that may have led to the change of attitude towards Modi.

Modi’s remarks at a conference of Forensic Science in Ahmedabad were apparently liked by Gilani and Hillary Clinton. He had asked: “We tell Pakistan that Ajmal Kasab has given the statement and consider this as evidence as everything (planning and executing Mumbai terror attack) has been done from Pakistan. We tell US also that his statement should be considered as evidence. What if Pakistan and US both ask India that does your law have similar provision which accepts Kasab's statement as evidence? What can be more unfortunate?”

Modi’s speech received tremendous applause in Pakistan. Prime Minister Gilani responded, “Gujarat Chief Minister Modi has said that mere information cannot be evidence. He agreed with my stand that information is not evidence.”

The acceptance Modi has found in Islamabad and Washington has sent shivers in the Congress establishment at New Delhi. Its spokesman Shakeel Ahmed told reporters that Modi's statement becomes all the more damning as it was made in a meeting of forensic experts of a dozen countries. Terming it as a “matter of great concern,” he demanded, “BJP should ask Modi why he gave such an irresponsible statement. It is unfortunate if someone starts supporting those who attack India to score political points.”

BJP chief L K Advani has clarified that the real essence of Modi’s speech was entirely different. “There is no law in our country that would consider the statement of an arrested person before a top-level police official as evidence. The abolished POTA had that provision, GUJCOC (Gujarat Control of Organised Crime) has the same provision and even MACOCA has the similar provision,” Modi had said and added, “We also need a similar law at the national level to fight terrorism.”

Modi had concluded his speech: “If one who has committed a crime makes a statement before a higher rank police official, it should be treated as evidence in the court of law.” A vibrant roadside vendor in Gujarat, who has signed an MoU for Rs 100 crore project with the state government, told Faking News that instances of ‘higher rank police officials’ bumping off alleged culprits in fake encounters must be ignored if business is to flourish.

(This special report has been brought to you by chhuchhundarbaba)

India legalizes internet prostitution

New Delhi. Responding to the long held demand by some rights groups and sexual workers, India has finally legalized prostitution. But there is a catch – the legalization has been sanctioned only in the virtual world. Starting this Monday, incidentally the Republic Day of India, internet prostitution would become a legitimate virtual activity in various states of India, except Kashmir, which is a special part of the Indian republic.

“We wanted to test out how this works out in the virtual world before implementing it in the real world. If nothing untoward happens, we might see prostitution becoming a lawful activity in the real life as well.” Ms. Ambika Soni, central minister for cultural activities, informed.

While rights group welcome the step, calling it a ‘giant leap’ towards the right direction, they were mighty confused on how the law will work. Some of them interpreted the law as sanctioning internet interactions and transactions for receiving or offering sex services. Such people deem the law as being unfair to people not having access to internet.

“What about the poor and illiterate prostitutes who have no knowledge of internet? And what about people who want to receive services of prostitutes but are not internet savvy? This is an elitist law. On an occasion when we are celebrating being a republic, it’s a shame that government is implementing a discriminatory law.” a counsel for rights group and prostitutes told Faking News.

Such people also suspect that the law would give rise to ‘virtual pimps’, who would spot the opportunity to offer internet services to prostitutes and their clients. Some other people feared that social networking websites will now see even more increased spam from people seeking and offering services of prostitutes and escorts.

On the other hand, there were people with dissenting opinions, who thought that the above set of people were being too optimistic with the interpretation of the law. These pessimists think that the law allows existence of sex services in the virtual world only, and no actual offering or receiving of such services would take place in the real world.

“This is a complete hogwash by the government. It’s true that most of us are increasingly becoming internet savvy and prefer to do most of the things online. But tell me, who on earth would like to have sex online? Better, can the government tell me how to have sex with help of keyboards and computer monitors?” Karthik, a software engineer, angrily asked.

The government officials and ministers refused to elaborate upon the law and told that this was the job of courts and not the lawmakers. The legal society too was divided over the interpretation of law, but they expressed helplessness over the situation.

“Unless a case comes up before a court and all arguments are put before a jury, no one can say for sure what should be the correct interpretation of this law. Let’s wait till someone is arrested for breaking this law, and then we will know what does the law stipulate. Did you know what TADA or POTA was all about? Once people like Sanjay Dutt and Raja Bhaiyaa were arrested for breaking the law, we knew what it was.” Krishna Kanishthmalani, a leading lawyer told Faking News.

Although Mr. Kanishthmalani drew flak from other lawyers for comparing anti-terrorism and national security laws with legalization of online prostitution, but everyone agreed that Indians will have to wait till someone broke the law.

“Law breakers are the most important set of people after law makers. Both of them decide what is good for us. Sometimes together.” a lawyer quipped.

Who is the Obama of India?

New Delhi. Right from the time when Barack Obama stood up for the race to become Democrat presidential nominee, various claimants in India sprang up demanding to be identified as the “Obama of India”. The latest addition to the list is the Cabinet Minister from Rajasthan – Golma Devi. In fact, supporters of Golma Devi are asking people to call Obama as “Golma of America”. They have submitted a memorandum to the US Consulate demanding the same.

“It was our leader who originally showed the world how troublesome it was to take the oath of secrecy to a public office. Obama tried to copy Golma ma’am but failed miserably, and that’s why he was administered the oath again, unlike in our leader’s case.” Chuli Meena, a BJP turned Congress member and supporter of Golma Devi, told Faking News.

Not only Golma Devi, the oath taking ceremony caused another new claimant to the post of “Obama of India” – BJP leader and Bollywood actor Dharmendra. Dharmpaaji, as he is fondly called by his non-dog supporters, claimed that Obama showed to the whole word that he was not a Muslim, by publicly going to a Church before his inauguration, even though his name had a Muslim name “Hussein”.

“I have been often accused of having a Muslim name – Dilawar Khan – and hence being a secret Muslim. Obama had to face the same malice. What more similarity can you seek between two people other than religious and malicious? Indian votes and party leaders must recognize this and give me my due.” Dharmendra laid the claim.

Faking News readers would remember that last year many claimants to the post had sprung up – Kumari Behen Mayawati, Ram Vilas Paswan, Nitish Kumar, Narendra Modi, Lalu Yadav, Mulayam Singh Yadav, and Rahul Gandhi. All of them had their own claim to the post – being a dalit (which was claimed to be equal to being a black), being backward (caste-wise), being progressive (undefined), and being young and fashionable (relatively).

But one claimant had a veteran of Indian politics – Sharad Pawar – had the most interesting claim of being Obama. He claimed to be the first in Indian politics to have risen to oppose a woman with a known surname, whose only major achievement and contribution was being the wife of a former chief executive of the country, just like Obama rose to oppose Hillary Clinton. While Democrats called for a race between Obama and Clinton, Congress showed Pawar the door.

With so many candidates, Faking News editorial team is confused over the legitimacy of the various claimants to the Obama legacy. We appeal to our reader to come up with their judgments or fresh nominations, if any, for the post of “Obama of India”.

“I’ll forever be obliged to Sanju Baba”: Roncon

Mumbai. Thousands of netizens have developed sudden interest in Owen Roncon and are giving searches in google, Yahoo!, MS Live, AltaVista or whatever search engine is accessible during office hours. Till the other day, he was sought after only by a few customers of the music production media distribution firm of which he is partner.

Roncon has his brother-in-law Sanjay Dutt to thank for the sudden fame. In an exclusive interview, he told Faking News: “Yes, I’ll forever be obliged to Sanju Baba. In this country of rank hypocrites, he was the first one tell Priya that it was not right to persist with the Dutt tag for the third time.” Confident that there would be a Roncon in the Parliament, even if only for a few months, he added, “Their mom Nargis did not persist with her Rashid tag and became the second Dutt to be MP, even though Sunil Dutt had been there already.”

Sanjay Dutt, who has started off his Gandhigiri in Lucknow by asserting, “I respect Atalji a lot. He is like my father. If he seeks reelection, I won’t contest,” forgave his sister for her typical Indian trait of bhabhi-bashing, “being the eldest member of the Dutt family.” He noted that Manyata, who had very indianly ceased to be Dilnasheen Amir Ahmad Sheikh, a no less famous surname, was quick to take the Dutt tag even before the wedding.

Munnabhai told media persons: “Of course, Priya’s MP kursi is more of a largesse to Dutt Saheb, who did not need to make much from his ministerial position. But, that doesn’t make her a part of the Dutt family anymore.” Sanjubaba wants Priya Dutt to become Priya Roncon.

Meantime, Amar Singh’s gambit of fielding “Sunil and Nargis Dutt’s daughter-in-law” in case their son is barred from contesting has succeeded in causing cracks in the Congress fortress. Renuka Chaudhary, the minister who is already perceived by the dynasty to be acquiring too big an image, has fallen for the trap.

Renuka’s statement: “Such comments (on a woman retaining her maiden name) are archaic and out of date,” has obviously disturbed the ‘premier family’ which it portrays as archaic and outdated. She was taking exception to Munnabhai’s opinion: “I strongly feel that hanging on to their parents’ surname by girls disrespects the person they’ve married. That’s a message not just to my sisters, but to all girls who find it fashionable.”

The recent defector to the party has been joined by long time loyalist of the dynasty Girija Vyas as well, though she was being cautious while reacting to it: “We have to understand the context in which he (Dutt) has said it. Media should not interfere in their private life.” She went overboard by adding, “But, in modern times as well as ancient times, a woman has a right to take whichever surname she wants.”

Faking News spoke about the controversy to Krishna Hatheesingh, who had dropped the prized Nehru tag after marrying a comparatively non-descript textile tycoon. Though noted for being more liberal than her doting elder brother Jawaharlal Nehru, the scion said: “I can say no member in our family ever wanted to disrespect the person they married, even if it meant ceasing to be a member of the family!”

Krishna explained that her niece Indira too had willingly sacrificed the Nehru tag to take the surname of her Parsi husband Feroze Gandhy. Only for the sake of standardization was it changed to the Gujarati Bania surname of Gandhi; not because the original tag was any less popular, as it is alleged. “Even in the so-called modern times, Sonia promptly replaced her maiden name Maino upon marriage to Rajiv. See, Priyanka doesn’t feel any less important by calling herself as Vadra, though loyal Congressmen want her to shepherd them,” Krishna said.

In contrast to the flak Priya received from loyal Congress circles for her undiplomatic opposition to her brother that has embarrassed the party leadership, the comely MP had the support of a veteran Congress woman. Faking News secured yet another exclusive interview to throw light upon this most important question facing the country with this dignitary, Margaret Alva.

A predecessor to Arjun Singh in the HRD ministry in Rajiv Gandhi’s government and five-term MP on behalf of India’s oldest Indian party, Alva came to tears - unrehearsed - during the interview: “Hats off to Priya. She has become the most powerful woman in her first term. She so confidently said she could have got a Congress ticket if her brother wanted. Look at me. I was a powerless even after being MP for 30 years.”

The former General Secretary of the Congress could not get an election ticket last year in a ‘more lucrative’ constituency outside the six states that had been put in her charge. She complained publicly that Congress tickets were being sold to the highest bidder and was promptly sacked by the chairperson. Faking News learns that she has already sought an appointment with Priya to get a ticket for someone in the family.

(This special report has been brought to you by chhuchhundarbaba)

Mayawati spends night with a Brahmin family

Chitrakoot. Uttar Pradesh Chief Minister and firebrand dalit leader Kumari Behen Mayawati spent last night with a poor Brahmin family in Tilakpur village. She spent around eighteen hours with the family of Tulsi Tripathi, a poor Brahmin, starting from 5 PM on Wednesday to 11 AM on Thursday. She also took dinner, which was prepared without onions and garlic, and breakfast, prepared with goat milk and Texmati rice, with the family, before she decided to leave for Lucknow. The visit was a part of Chief Minister’s attempt to find out the real issues and problems of her people, a government press release told.

“It was a dream come true for us. Finally we can hope that something good can happen to us. Behenji promised that our children will get reservations in jobs. She also told that she will deliver a speech in parliament telling the world how poorer we are becoming with each passing day. Only yesterday someone stole my goat.” Tulsi Tripathi told mediapersons.

Mayawati reaffirmed Tulsi of her support and accused Samajwadi Party supporters of creating law and order problems by stealing goats and looting Brahmins in her term. She accused other parties of showing no respect to Brahmins during their respective tenures and to have exploited them to their political benefits.

“What have these poor Brahmins got in return after supporting almost all political parties who got to power? They have neither respect nor rupees today. Their richer cousins are enjoying life in USA and dancing with Obama, and funding enemies of BSP with millions of dollars. These are my people, they are dalit Brahmins, the real harijans, the people of god.” Mayawati addressed hordes of Brahmins who clapped and pledged their support to her during elections.

The prime-minister-in-waiting also performed a puja with the Brahmin family, where she took the role of the Goddess. After the puja, Mayawati inquired if the local Brahmins could write a Behenji Chalisa, to which the locals readily agreed. Behenji Chalisa would be released just after the election results of this year’s General Elections are announced.

The move is seen as Mayawati’s continuous attempt to consolidate support among the forward castes, especially Brahmins, to checkmate Samajwadi Party’s attempts to unite all backward castes against her dalit-brahmin combine. Experts believe that with this step, Mayawati has also given an answer to Congress, which has been projecting Rahul Gandhi as the original traveler and discoverer of rural India.

Expectedly, opposition parties in the state have decried Mayawati for adopting such ‘cheap’ tactics. Samajwadi Party has cautioned Brahmins against supporting BSP, claiming it to be a suicidal step for the community. The party has promised to replace all stolen goats of Brahmins with cows if they came to power in Delhi, along with the Congress.

Congress too has cautioned Brahmins and asked them to stick to their original party. The party also claimed that Mayawati had insulted Brahmins as she took bath with a special soap after coming back to Lucknow from the Brahmin colony. Congress has asked Mayawati to apologize to the Brahmin community for her humiliating acts.

When asked about this incident, Mayawati’s office refuted the charges vigorously and accused Congress of spreading rumors to create disharmony in the state. Her secretary informed that Mayawati always took bath with special soaps, for which forty lakh rupees were budgeted last year, and her bathing was a regular job and in no way related to her stay at a Brahmin’s house.

Obama takes oath as President, unemployment rises

Washington DC, USA. US president-elect Barack Obama is finally no-longer president-elect. Phew! The Democrat don finally took oath as the first apparently black president of United States of America on Tuesday. And as soon as he took the oath, he faced his first challenge – unemployment rate grew to alarming levels.

“The President has got a lot of hard work to do. The financial crisis and employment scenario in the country is already disquieting, and now his presidency has pushed up the unemployment rates even higher.” Joe Ridden, a resident of Washington told.

The latest rise in unemployment rate has been triggered by the hitherto president George W Bush and his team losing their jobs. While his team members are hopeful of getting a job in some sector, experts are not so hopeful about the employment prospects of Bush junior.

“Obama might pull out troops from Iraq and that could mean companies owned by Bush family might go out of business. That would end all hopes for employment for Junior Bush.” Michael Poor, an expert, told Faking News.

Apart from Bush and his team, many comedians, satirists, cartoonists, photoshoppers, youtubers, journalists, interpreters, English teachers, and some CIA officials have also lost jobs and the numbers are expected to swell in coming days, pushing the unemployment rate even higher.

While Obama’s rise to presidency proved to be a bane for the USA in terms of employment scenario, it proved to be a boon for India. Many Indians became employed as office holders of a new organization called OFC – Obama Fan Club. These office holders were given proper coverage by Indian news channels but Faking News decided to give them a pass.

Meanwhile Obama’s rise to presidency was welcomed all over the world by various governments and groups. Indian Prime Minister Manmohan Singh sent forty-four SMSs to the president congratulating him on the feat. When asked whether the Prime Minister went overboard in congratulating, the PMO clarified that the number of SMSs signified the chronological rank of Obama amongst all the American presidents.

Opposition BJP also congratulated Obama for taking oath on Tuesday, the day for worshipping Lord Hanuman. But the party cautioned Obama against regular reaffirmation of his Christian beliefs in public life. BJP prime ministerial candidate L K Advani congratulated Obama by sending him an e-mail and RSS feeds of his blog.

Uttar Pradesh Chief Minister Kumari Behen Mayawati declared that she will congratulate Obama once she became the Prime Minister of India. But her state wore festive looks as opposition Samajwadi Party celebrated the day as Vijay Diwas, claiming Obama as an OBC (Obama Barack Chicagowala). Party leader Amar Singh showed some pictures of himself with Obama family to the journalists.

In neighboring Pakistan, President Zardari called up Michelle Obama, the new first lady of Pakistan, and congratulated her by talking for over one hour. Zardari promised to become bring the dog Obama’s daughters wanted, when he toured USA next.

Congratulatory messages were sent by leaders and people from elsewhere in the world too. In Iraq, people threw shoes up in the sky to express their happiness on the occasion.

The Great Nala of Patna declared a wonder of the world

Patna. The Great Nala (sewage canal) of the city has been admitted as one of the modern wonders of the world. But it’s not sewage, but heavy rains, which has been cited as the reason this dream project of Bihar government got the recognition and the award, which it ably deserved. The project aims to end the problem of water-logging in the capital city during the rainy season.

The reason why this project was recognized for the award is something which is not very difficult to decipher; because it has been delayed at a record level, and the beauty is - the entire construction work has been lost due to interruption of rainy season. Why? Simply because this is the time when the work actually begins.

If this is not enough, you won't believe but it is true, that the same lane is dug on both sides for the same purpose by different companies. To top it all, when everything is done, the BSNL people dig it again to relay the wires that were cut by the municipality. Not only this, they seldom remember that the mud that has been dug out needn't be left as it is. But then, that is not their area or I guess department.

It has been felt that at some places the wires were cut in May'07 and till date no one has rectified the problems of landline and the broadband connection. To solve this they have provided WLL to ease the problem. After all they have done their work, RIGHT.

Another speciality of the Great Nala is that it has helped many software professionals understand what a ‘deadlock’ is. The same road has been divided between two vendors, and as a result one is waiting for another one to complete the task.

But the Great Nala continues to be a beautiful site, because instead of Peeing on the side lanes, guys stand proudly and pee in the Nala itself, making it peecture perfect. Guys are also happy as it is better than doing it on the sidelines, and no one bothers them for it is not anyone’s private property.

In spite of the problems cause by the project, the Patnaites are very proud of this rare achievement. Although somewhere down they wish that the project ended sooner than later.

When asked to an employee working on this project, he said "Madam, agar projectwey nahin rahega toh hum kya karengey, berojgaar hi naaah rahengey, Bataiye ?" He meant if project would not be there than what we will do, simply be unemployed, tell?

No wonder government has pledged to keep delaying the project and make it so long that even Great Wall of China's length can't beat it by years or decades.

(This exclusive news report has been brought to you by Faking News special correspondent Charkha Dutt)

The secret of killer door exposed

Meerut. The secret of killer door, which has allegedly executed dozens of murder in rainy seasons each year, has been finally exposed by a Faking News reader. The killer door, called darindaa darwaaza by locals, has been terrorizing people for generations.

The legend has it that whenever someone opened the door in the Hindu month of Saawan i.e. the rainy season, a dead body used to drop out of nowhere. The locals used to desert the place in the month of Saawan fearing the bloodbath. But now a Faking News reader has found out the secret behind the door.

The daring Faking News reader has sent us this EXCLUSIVE video of his sting operation on Saawan ka darindaa darwaaza:

(the video has been produced by Dhiraj Chaudhary)

Airbus crash in New York sinks US-Venezuela relations

New York, USA. Former USAF fighter pilot Capt Chesley Sullenberger who ditched an Airbus A320 in the Hudson River off Manhattan may have been offered the keys to New York. But, his "masterful landing' to avert a huge tragedy has fuelled a lot of controversy in the media. Even as he was praised by Mayor Michael Bloomberg for his heroism, he may have unwittingly triggered a disastrous war in the American continent.

First reports indicated that minutes after the US Airways plane with 155 on board took off, a flock of geese came in the flight path knocking off both engines. Sullenberger decided to exploit his wartime expertise and go for a risky maneuver and pulled it off excellently. Although the plane was a wreck, there were no human victims.

However, the geese involved in the suicide attack predictably became martyrs. Where these geese hailed from has become a billion dollar question now.

United States Secretary of State Condoleezza Rice started her sabre-rattling soon after the media flashed images of the plane crashing into the frozen river. She squarely blamed Venezuela for the tragedy, ruling out the probability of the jihadis being home-grown or belonging to other unfriendly neighbors. She demanded that the masterminds controlling geese from Venezuela be caught and handed over to US to face justice.

President Bush, who will have been mercifully faded into oblivion next month, broke his silence after keeping quiet for hours. He appealed to all governments to rein in Venezuela, which along with Cuba, was destabilizing the whole world.

Venezuelan President Hugo Rafael Chávez in turn accused the US of attempting to sabotage his vision of Latin American integration. He promptly condemned the war-mongering by US and dispatched his deputy Ramón Carrizales to garner international support against the bullying neighbor. Soon, dignitaries from major superpowers like Cuba, Iran, Spain and India came calling to both Washington and Caracas.

Major newspapers including the New York Times and Washington Post as well as the TV channels including CNN and Fox endorsed Rice’s contention that the geese must have received nourishment in Venezuela. They were aghast at the state of denial by Venezuela, whose President, they consider, is the gravest threat to democracy in Latin America. They projected the statement of India’s Defense Minister AK Anthony - “I don't want to jump to any conclusions myself on this, but I do think that this is a time for complete, absolute, total transparency and cooperation” – as victory for US diplomacy.

The State Department demanded that all the lakes in Venezuela must be drained and filled with solid waste to make them inhabitable for the geese - or maybe seagulls or eagles or vultures. After all, bureaucrats were convinced that the lakes were obviously acting as breeding grounds of the birds. They faced vociferous disapproval from activists in both countries, who countered that the real problems of the birds must be addressed for suicide attacks to end.

After US went on a diplomatic offensive and appealed to responsible international leaders to defuse tensions, foreign minister Yang Jiechi of China held telephone conversations with his US and Venezuelan counterparts. Yang said that China was willing to work both the belligerents and the rest of the international community to jointly safeguard airspace in the American continent. However, US analysts sniffed Beijing’s sinister designs and politely turned ignored the offer.

The news channel 'Till this Instant!' meanwhile mounted its own investigation into the authenticity of Capt Sullenberger's "double bird strike." It presented several airline pilots in its show to bolster the suspicions. Most of them discounted the possibility of an Airbus encountering birds in the flight path at La Guardia airport, though it is not rare in JFK airport. The last crash of an Airbus A300 of American Airlines shortly after takeoff, killing all 260 on board in November 2001, they recalled, was at JFK.

Chavez meantime pointed out that both the engines of the plane had gone missing. He said that according to Venezuelan law, that crucial piece of evidence must be probed before implicating ducks and geese of his country. He said the ‘information’ by US must not be confused with ‘evidence’ and the country was not obliged to extradite any bird caught in its soil or sky.

The ‘aggressive diplomacy’ of US suffered a big jolt when King Juan Carlos I of Spain considered it as his moral burden to save the Latin countries from war. After all, both had once been colonies of the Spanish empire. The US optimism rested on the fact that the King had publicly chided Chavez in the Ibero-American summit and asked him to shut up.

The setback forced Rice to take a U turn. After all the tough talking, US gave up its insistence that Venezuela hand over all accused birds involved in the attempted carnage at New York. Rice said to 'Till this Instant!', “There should at least be a fair trial of these accused in that country. It should not be a mock trial. It should be transparent and demonstrated.”

This ‘volte face’ gave a fresh handle to the opposition Republicans. “Democrats have betrayed the nation by changing the stance against Venezuela and agreeing to have trials of conspirators and handlers of suicide birds,” said McCain who had hoped against all odds to lead his country. This unleashed a surge of national rage.

Taken aback by groundswell of support to the political hawks, Rice took a U turn yet again. “There is no question of that or climb-down,” she told other reporters – “We have never given up our original demand. There are many international instruments that make the position quite clear and there is no question of dilution in position.”

Ordinary mortals struggled to make out what Condi meant by this statement, except that the repeated U turns only amounted to running in circles. However, people in the know recall that Rice was on a whistle stop visit to South Asia in December in the wake of belligerent noises from the region. She had been presented with a designer goggles at New Delhi, celebrity-endorsed by the country’s foreign minister. The fashion-conscious American had taken a fancy to it and was spotted wearing it on a few occasions.

(This exclusive scoop has been brought to you by chhuchhundarbaba)

Raju Hirani to sue Amar singh for piracy

Lucknow. Since last couple of years Raju hirani has been diligently working on a script to add on to his series of Munnabhai movies, but to his surprise and shock, Amar singh turned this dream venture into a real life drama without notifying him or without buying the rights to make this. He has sustained huge loss because of this as the date of the release was also finalized. Raju might sue Amar Singh for launching the third Munnabhai movie without due credits given to him.

The third movie titled ‘Munnabhai MLA’ will be a real life story (although MLA could become MP) and in this, the cute supporting actor Circuit is being replaced by none other than Amar singh himself. But the roles have been changed a bit here; in the reel version Circuit was like a younger brother, a dear friend and his Man Friday, but in real life Circuit is the elder brother and he would be giving orders to Munna instead of taking them.

“I would do a better job than reel wala Circuit and even win international awards for the best supporting actor. With this, India’s long time wait for an Oscar award will finally end.” Samajwadi Party leader Amar Singh expressed confidence.

On the contrary our very own Munnabhai finds himself in an awkward situation as he is not sure whether this real life role will fetch him awards as the heroine is none other than his wife Manyata. Poor Vidya balan sulks!

Meanwhile Raju Hirani is believed to have signed an underhand deal with Priya dutt where she would criticize her brother and convince him emotionally to be a part of films where action is REEL and the bullets are not the types used in politics. But as they say "mohabbat aur jung mein sab jaayaz hai" (all is fair in love and war), Sanajy Dutt is not listening.

Whether he is doing it out of feeling of love for someone or war against someone is not clear. Whichever is the case, we’d say – Lage raho Munnabhai.

(This exclusive news report has been brought to you by Faking News special correspondent Charkha Dutt)

ICC releases list of greatest ever spectators

London, UK. After releasing lists of all time greatest batsmen and bowlers of the cricketing world, ICC has come up with another list of all time greatest – the spectators of the gentleman’s game. And like its earlier lists, even this one has got mired into controversies as soon as ICC released it. There were serious differences between cricketing nations on the choice of spectators who made it to the top ten.

Topping the ICC list was Australian spectator Robert Ogilvie, the world famous streaker who was grounded by Australian all-rounder Andrew Symonds at Gabba in March last year. Ogilvie was undaunted by criticisms of his action at that time and had expressed confidence that he could streak again. Such a steadfast love for cricket is believed to have fetched him the honor by ICC.

“It feels good as Symond’s shoulders. I thank ICC for acknowledging my contribution in popularizing cricket among third world countries, where people have a special liking for lesser clothes on human bodies. I also hope that more and more streakers would get inspired with my achievement.” Ogilvie told Faking News.

There are three other streakers – another Australian, one Kiwi, and one British national – making it to the top ten list of all time greatest spectators. The Kiwi spectator was picked for a special mention and praise by ICC as he was hit on buttocks by the then Australian captain Greg Chappell in 1976.

The presence of four streakers in top ten has enraged Asian cricket playing nations, with India and Pakistan threatening to walk out of ICC if the list was not scrapped. These nations were also shocked as the most popular spectator of this part of the world – Chacha Cricket – didn’t figure anywhere in the ICC list, not even in the footnotes, although England’s Barmy Army is right on second spot.

“It’s a great injustice to people of Asia who send maximum money to ICC in revenues. The rationale and methodology used to prepare this list beats all logic. ICC must take it back and apologize.” BCCI spokesperson Rajiv Shukla told. Pakistan Cricket Board, which recently has been at loggerheads with its Indian counterpart, has also supported Shukla and pledged all support to BCCI in the ’struggle’.

Pakistan and India also objected to ICC’s comments in the footnotes where the international governing body had criticized spectators in India for monkey chants against Andrew Symonds and those in Pakistan for physically assaulting Indian cricketers. BCCI, backed by PCB, cautioned ICC against taking a moral high ground.

But ICC has refuted charges of bias against Asian spectators. A press release from the council remarked that the Indian girl who had received and sent flying kisses to Indian fast bowler Zahir Khan was slotted at ninth position in the concerned top ten list. ICC officials explained that the list didn’t necessarily pass any definitive judgment on the calibers of the spectators.

”The rankings give an indication of how spectators peeked during their careers but do not give a full picture of those spectators’ level of consistency or longevity during the game.” The press release clarified. ICC asked Asian nations not to overreact on such stuff and reiterated that despite these criticisms, they would keep coming up with lists of further all-time greats of cricketing world.

After becoming a Minister, Golma Devi becomes a Doctor

Jaipur. Call her another Rabri Devi, or xerox of her husband who would rule through her, or by any other name. But you can't deny that she has achieved what many Indians aspire to do. She has got a doctorate degree (PhD) from a university, which is esteemed as one of the best universities in the world, and it is none other than our very own Harvard University.

When the dean was asked on his choice of bestowing her with this honor, he said "today, we need people who speak less, as voice-over can be done with ease. The way she took the oath was the defining moment of my life and I realized that we spend so much on artificial intelligence when everything can be done remotely by a simple voice over. This is a research that will inspire generations to work upon and develop".

Even Mrs. Golma Devi was sounding cheerful although no one could see her as her head was covered by an aanchal, so one could not see her face but sounds of giggling were heard, and mind you those were not at all artificial.

The award of PhD gave satisfaction to her mentor Sonia Gandhi, whom Golma Devi had met in person a few days back. Madam Gandhi is seen as having strong foreign influences and it’s believed that she put in the recommendations for the degree to Harvard University congress.

The news saw Railway minister Mr. Lalu Prasad Yadav running to his wife and convincing her to visit "Madamji" in next Sankranti and speak less, so that the next PhD was awarded to her. "Aur tumho doctorwa banjaebu" (and then you will also become a doctor) Lalu is supposed to have confided to the original Devi of Indian politics.

Long live Indian Democracy and kudos to women Power!

(This exclusive news report has been contributed by our first female correspondent Charkha Dutt from Patna)

Mayawati suffers from PMS, announces manifesto

Lucknow. Addressing a rally organized as part of her 53rd birthday celebrations, India’s dailt leader and Prime Minister in waiting, Kumari Behen Mayawati announced her elephantine vision for India’s future.

Showing no signs of the acute PMS (Prime Minister Syndrome) she was reportedly suffering from, Behenji vociferously lashed out at the opposition who called her corrupt. She even threatened to celebrate her 53rd birthday next year and stay 52 for a year more if the protests continued.

In a move that surprised all, she expressed unhappiness over Obama’s victory. “What if he is a black?” wondered the CM. She said that the Republicans were always close to her. “Aap logo ne dekha nahi kya unka haathi (haven’t you guys seen their elephant)?” she said linking her party to the Republicans.

In her inimitable style, she changed sides half way through the rally. She said that she may now change her party symbol to gadha (donkey) not only to pledge support to the most powerful president in the world but to reflect the ethos of her drove.

She blasted the media for projecting Rahul Gandhi as the future PM. When asked about his ongoing Amethi tour with UK Foreign Secretary David Miliband, Mayawati retorted,”us bande mein kya hai?” leaving the media perplexed if she was referring to Milliband or Rahul.

Mayawati also informed about her recently launched blog and said that it would bring the newer generation to the polling booths. A reporter, who asked if she was trying to copy L K Advani’s idea, was taken away by her bodyguards. She said her blog was (a) hit even before the launch. When asked for the link, she smirked and claimed that the linking business was a forte of Samajwadi Party’s Amar Singh and she didn’t believe in creating linkages and liaisons.

To counter the oft abused slogan "Bijli Sadak Paani" by pro development parties, she announced her new slogan, "Behenji Sadaa PM" (Behenji as PM forever). Faking News managed to get a copy of her grand plans for India.

Excerpts below:

We will focus on building the morale of the Indian armed forces to make them self reliant. Undue stress on discipline has affected the Indian forces and hence they were not able to advocate a single coup in the last 60 years, unlike our enemy neighbor that has mastered this art.

The center’s plan to set up NSG hubs across India is waste of precious resources. We will rename every state’s police force as Elite Commandoes like we have done to the UP Police (Now UP Elite Commandoes). Cost cutting starts at home.

We promise to have a separate ministry for protection of elephants; it is high time to change our national animal from the soon to be extinct tiger to the pachyderm. We will soon have elephants to take members to and from the parliament.

I am angry at ICC for not including even a single dalit cricketer in the list of 20 test cricketers of all times. We will ban ICC, a racist organization working against the secular fabric of India.

Unlike her earlier birthday celebrations, the chief minister did not announce a single project for the state and said her outlook was now national. The CM told that her rule has made UP a healthy state. She seemed convincing with the numbers she produced, “In some parts of UP, there is only a doctor for 30,000 people and that means people are healthy”.

The Rs. 12 Crores collected for the CM’s birthday will solely spent for her own good and not for the state, said a press release from her office. “It is her birthday and not the state’s”, the release added.

(This exclusive report has been brought to you by Faking News special correspondents Nikhil and Shreyash)

Why is Ramalinga Raju unhappy?

Hyderabad. Unconfirmed sources have revealed that Raju is terribly unhappy about Slumdog Millionaire getting the Golden Globe award for the "Best Screenplay". His unhappiness basically stems from the fact that his company's Balance Sheet was not even considered for the nomination.

"The P&L statement of my company is already a bestseller in the FICTION category across the world." Raju has been quoted as saying. This quote actually comes as a surprise to a lot of financial analysts who now believe that the company's accounts should actually be sold in the recipes section as the company has been doing nothing but cooking the books.

Incidentally, this is not the first time that Raju has expressed his displeasure over an issue. He has in the past reacted to his company being sidelined in the favor of biggies like Infosys, when it comes to matters like Corporate Governance. Raju told a section of media "my company has been contributing in its own way to the India STORY." He sees himself as a man of steely vision. "If Sardar Patel was the iron man of India, I am the man of STEAL", he was heard saying.

Talking of Corporate Governance, Raju also clarified on the issue of Golden Peacock award being taken away from them. "It was a misunderstanding to start with", Raju clarified. As it turns out, when Raju proclaimed "I want a share of your wallet", investors thought he was talking to the customers. The fact that he was actually talking to the investors themselves was not realized by anybody.

In these tough times for Raju, help came from an unexpected quarter - Bollywood. One director is working on a plot where a small time guy from village gets trapped in the pressures of corporate world and does everything possible to show profits quarter after quarter. He however has a change of heart after seven years and confesses to everything bad done by him, exonerating everyone else in the company from the scam. The title has been registered as "Raju Ban Gaya Gentleman".

This director, just for the record, was not on the board of Satyam. This makes him an "independent director" as far as this issue is concerned.

Despite bad news flocking from all quarters, Raju has not lost hope. "Afterall our national emblem itself quotes - Satyamev Jayate: In the end, only Satyam Triumphs", Raju expressed hope.

Disclaimer: All the quotes in this article are as fictitious as Satyam's cash.

(This special story has been reported by Faking News special correspondent Shashank)

Somnath Chatterjee planning hostile takeover bids

Kolkata. Top political circles in India have witnessed a spike in interest in the moves of Speaker Somnath Chatterjee. The leader, who is most perturbed about the fierce fighter’s motives, is the equally vehement fighter from West Bengal – Mamata Banerjee.

The estranged Marxist patriarch is now reliably learnt to be chalking out a strategy for a hostile takeover bid. There are two opinions about the likely takeover target – the CPM itself and Mamatadi’s Trinamool Congress, both of which are considered as sitting ducks.

Despite his expulsion, Somnathda commands a sizable following within the party, having been a party leader in the Lok Sabha for 15 long years, before becoming Speaker. Even as Speaker, Chatterjee had not left the party; he even authorized the government to remit a part of his salary to CPM’s account according to party rules.

Somnathda keeps hopping from place to place, as is usual whenever Parliament is not in session. As usual, he is being hounded by media persons at every airport. Again, as usual, he has been offering good copy to journalists. The Speaker has been forthcoming with poignant responses – as well as poignant silences – on speculations floating about him.

The Speaker’s TRP has started going up again as a result; just like it did during the run up to the vote in the Lok Sabha on US-India nuke deal last year, and the sack he got from CPM in its aftermath. He has not stopped foxing political analysts, compelling them to brush up their skills in reading between lines.

It was a letter addressed to Biman Bose, state party secretary of CPM in West Bengal by transport minister and state committee member and Subhash Chakraborty that triggered the current wave of suppositions. A staunch fan of the veteran, Chakraborty wants Somnathda back in the party.

The ‘rebel’ minister told reporters, “I feel the politburo ’s decision to expel Somnathda was wrong and that is why I wrote to Bimanda to take him back. I want Bimanda to take up the matter with the central committee.” Pleased at politburo member Sitaram Yechury’s statement that the central committee could indeed “discuss any proposal if it comes from the state committee”, he offered to treat media persons with rossagollas when his idol is taken back.

Chatterjee, adopting his usual inimitable style, recalled the remark he made upon getting expelled from the party for “seriously compromising the position of the party.” He had said: “It (July 23) was one of the saddest days of my life.” He added afresh, “I never appealed against the decision of the party then; never criticized it, even then.”

About his return to active politics, the Speaker’s response contrasted the forthright manner of his one-time Rajya Sabha compatriot and fellow-octogenarian, Shekhawat. “I won’t appeal,” was all that Somnathda would volunteer. Asking reporters to draw their own inferences, he said: “I am not going to contest (elections??) anymore. Physically, I do not think I can carry on much further (in politics??).” Chatterjee dismissed as “hypothetical” the probability of his return to the LS in case he doesn’t have to ‘contest’ or even ‘appeal’.

This has naturally left Mamata Banerjee, the only MP of Trinamool Congress in LS quite uncomfortable. Mamatadi has the distinction of being behind the one single defeat he ever suffered in his bid; Chatterjee has been an LS member for a record 10 terms so far. The two ‘invincible’ players have always been like Mohun Bagan and East Bengal.

The firebrand leader was furious at this reporter when asked to rate the chances of her bête noire succeeding in his attempts to make a hostile bid to gain management control in Trinamool Congress.

She shouted, “Of course, it may help him to break his own record by entering LS for the 11th time, and perhaps becoming a Speaker again. But, aren’t you aware of the Tata Motors story and the sort of fights I am capable of?” She added that Tatas had finalized a deal only for a friendly takeover of mismanagement control of the state. Her objection was only that it was Buddhadebda, whom she detested. She neither confirmed nor denied that she is willing to let Somnathda in if he makes a friendly bid for a strategic partnership.

Strangely enough, ideologues of CPM view this development as an opportunity to recall the senior without looking too awkward. Chatterjee’s tie-up with Mamatadi can provide credible ground to the politburo for citing a precedent for taking back expelled leaders. Although there is no provision in the party constitution in this regard, it had made an exception in the case of Nripen Chakraborty.

That Chakraborty was expelled in 1995 and reinstated two days before his death in 2004. Subhash Chakraborty reasoned: “No one will dispute it if we say that teaming up with Mamatadi is the same as death. Ask former Speaker PA Sangma, ask former Mayor Subrata Mukherjee, anyone who dared to do that in the past!”

(This exclusive scoop has been brought to you by chhuchhundarbaba)

Indian news satire website denies supporting Advani

New Delhi. Some of the readers of leading Indian news satire website Faking News were surprised, some were shocked and some were delighted when they saw a banner advertisement on the top of the homepage with the message “Advani for PM”.

Many of our readers wrote to us asking if we were supporting BJP for the coming general elections or if we had sold our website to Advani or to his campaign managers. Faking News wants to clarify to its readers and to everyone in general that we are doing neither of these.

“We can’t support any political party as it’s against our editorial policies. Forget supporting, we don’t even vote like many of the young and educated Indians. As far as selling our website is concerned, that’s unthinkable. Who would buy us and why?” Pagal Patrakar, managing editor of Faking News told.

Pagal Patrakar clarified that the “Advani for PM” banner was an automated advertisement placed by online advertising program AdWords of internet giant Google. Google AdWords reads the text content of any website and if some of the frequently appearing words on any website matches ‘keywords’ preferences of the advertiser, advertisements in shape of such banners show up.

“We don’t choose what advertisements appear on our site. Google AdWords and the advertisers decide them. Advani must have found some of the words appearing on our website very useful and pertinent to his political campaign and hence his advertisement is showing up. Advani is Ad-vani now!” Pagal Patrakar explained and cracked a joke.

Pagal Patrakar further informed that according to his webmaster, the top ten keywords of Faking News were - news, faking, india, indian, world, pakistan, attacks, terror, mumbai, post. Except for ‘faking’ and ‘post’, all other keywords are clearly related and relevant to Advani. According to Pagal Patrakar, those two keywords too are relevant and related to Advani.

“Advani must be faking something I am sure. I leave upon our readers to find out what is Advani faking. As far as ‘post’ is concerned, it refers to Advani’s new found love for blogging.” Pagal Patrakar explained, yet again.

Faking News hopes that after these explanations by Pagal Patrakar, Faking News would be categorized as a secular and progressive website. We also want to clarify that the RSS feeds that we use to deliver you our updates have got nothing to do with Rashtriya Swayamsevak Sangh.

Incidentally, Advani’s blog says “If you enjoyed this post, make sure you subscribe to my RSS feed!”

Government bans news channels, journalists happy

New Delhi. In wake of seemingly poor reporting by television channels during Mumbai terror attacks, Government has decided that the country no longer needs 24-hours news channels, and has banned all of them. The news channels now have two options – either to continue in business as a non-news television channel or to join Doordarshan News. Most of the alleged journalists working in television channels were happy with either of the choices.

“Due to recession we don’t know if our jobs would be there tomorrow. If we become government employees with Doordarshan, at least the job would be there. As far as working in non-news channel is concerned, I feel I’m already in one, so that would hardly make a difference.” Rajat Chawla, a journalist working with a leading television channel told Faking News.

But top management and editors of these news channels are adamant to fight the government and get the ban revoked. Many channels started SMS and online polls to find out what the people think about the government decision. Despite repeated request by Faking News, these channels didn’t share the outcome of such polls hence Faking News has started its own poll to find out public opinion.

Faking News readers can participate in this poll which is visible at the top of the right column of this website. If you don’t have any opinion or haven’t made up your mind yet on this issue, we encourage you not to take part in the poll as there is no ‘maybe’ option. Readers can also comment on this article to voice their opinions, which would incrementally increase their internet bills but would still be cheaper than sending SMS. The poll would run till the end of January 31, 2009 (IST).

Meanwhile government has reiterated that their decision is absolutely correct and in public interest. They have dared the news channels to get a public survey done by an independent market surveyor and have rejected the SMS or online poll results even though they are yet to be made public. Government officials told that they will take a decision on accepting or rejecting Faking News poll result after the results were announced.

“Of late News Channels have lost track. People are mighty interested in knowing whether Salman and Katrina would get married or whether Shahrukh was a gay. That’s what you call public ‘interest’. Who in this world is interested in knowing whether our intelligence agencies work on not or if corruption is there in the system. Give me a break.” Information and Broadcasting secretary told us after the cabinet minister Priya Ranjan Dasmunshi refused to talk to our reporter.

While this tussle between government and news channel bosses continued, common man missed the news channels and instead spent most of his time watching ‘laughter shows’ on entertainment channels. The common woman missed the ‘behind the scenes’ stories and scoops from the saas-bahu sagas but she hoped that with some television journalists joining Doordarshan, she can get her updates back. The common child missed the crime shows about school going girls.

The ban is expected to increase the readership of newspapers, though the trend is yet to be witnessed. But Faking News witnessed increase in its traffic as it seems that people relied on us for the latest news and updates. But we request our readers not to trust us too much or our website could also be brought down by the government.

UPDATE:

February 1, 2009. Well, the results of the opinion poll started by Faking News have finally come out – 65% of the respondents (100 people voted) favored government regulation of television news channels. The government is happy with the result and has announced that Faking News would not need to pay any taxes this financial year. Sigh! Only if we were making any money at first place…