Answer to Tata Nano, Ford launches $500 car

Dearborn Michigan, USA. Ford Motor Company President & CEO Alan Mulally announced their latest offering in the automobile sector – the $500 passenger car Ox-Ford. Ox-Ford is inspired from the original “Ford Model T” and it is a low emission carbon neutral vehicle. The announcement came even as Obama administration announced interim loans to rescue the troubled auto industry.

Ox-Ford would be powered by a bullock in the front, and thus reduce the American dependency on foreign oil, something that the American consumer and administration would want. Experts believe that this factor could be used by the government to justify the use of taxpayers’ money to rescue the car makers.

Though initial plans have been kept secret, the prototype model would be 0.285 horsepower and would accelerate from 0 to 60 ft/min in under 2 hours. Fuel consumption is expected to be 10 miles per bushel of hay. There are rumours that a sportier twin engine car would come out soon.

Also the car is available in any colour as long as its black, keeping in mind the grand tradition of oligopoly enjoyed since the time of its founder Henry Ford with its very own Model-T.

Ford spokesperson said it is also expected to have significantly lower CO2 emissions though sceptics say that the reduced emission claim is a load of bullshit, as there would be greater methane emissions due to incessant farting, not to mention urine leaks which would be nearly as bad as engine oil leaks in American cars.

As for exporting the vehicle, initially it is only planned for local sales in Detroit, due to shortage of bulls in the area. Also keeping in mind President Obama’s “Employ American” directive, only American bulls would be employed, quashing rumours of importing Indian bulls, who have a bigger hump and are experienced in pulling bullock carts therefore more suited for the job. Right now the H1-B visa wouldn’t be available to the Indian bulls since the Detroit Auto industry is availing of the “bail-out” package from the US government.

Back home, many people claimed that Ford was trying to do a Tata by announcing a low cost passenger car and might soon flood Indian markets with Ox-Ford. When Faking News correspondent contacted Ratan Tata, the Chairman of Tata Group, he declined to comment specifically on Ford, but said that there was no threat to Nano from American car makers.

(the report has been submitted by Pravasi Patrakar after intense analysis of international auto sector)

Indian Netaji is the new face of Joker

New Delhi. After an Indian actress was chosen for being the new face of Barbie doll, Indians have got to take pride in yet another international recognition from the global society. DC Comics has announced that an Indian politician would be the new face of the Joker of Batman series. Taking lessons from the confusions and tensions between Aishwarya Rai and Katrina Kaif on who was the latest face of Barbie doll, DC Comics has announced that the face of Joker would not resemble any identifiable Indian politician.

“Joker has been one of the most enigmatic and secretive negative characters in the world history. On some occasions he is criminal, cruel or sadistic, while on other occasions he is just ridiculous and funny. Over a long time we have tried different personalities to play the role of Joker, giving the Joker varying appearances. But our team has finally decided that nobody but an Indian politician fits the character of the Joker best.” DC Comics press release informed.

The decision by DC Comics has been widely appreciated by Indians and they feel that India in now truly becoming an international superpower.

“First Slumdog Millionaire, then Barbie doll, and now Joker – I feel so proud. Also, this is for the first time an Indian politician has brought us such a pride. Even a Pakistani politician couldn’t get his face on Osama dolls. I hope soon we have the Netaji Joker toys in the market. I just can’t wait!” Janta Sharma, a common Indian citizen told.

But the political class had mixed reactions to the news. Politicians belonging to different parties have declared that they will welcome the move only if the Joker was given an identifiable face from a rival party.

“We always knew Lalu Yadav was the ultimate Joker. They should have put Lalu’s face on the Joker. It doesn’t make sense to give the Joker a general face of Indian politician.” Bihar Chief Minister Nitish Kumar told Faking News.

Our sources inform us that the next Batman movie will include the Netaji Joker character. An Indian actor could play the role of Joker, auditions for which would soon start in different cities of India. Samajwadi Party leader Amar Singh, who recently acted in a movie, is tipped to be the hot favorite to play the role, though Mr. Singh denied any such possibility.

In the possible plot, Netaji Joker would be a common jobless Indian who would fall into a container full of currencies, weapons and toxic waste and would come out with bleached khaadi clothes and big blood-thirsty-red lips. There would be a slight difference with earlier Jokers of Batman series with the Netaji Joker having his khaadi attire whiter than his face.

But there would not be much of a difference with earlier Jokers on other counts, for example Netaji Joker's victims too would include innocent and unsuspecting men, women, children, and even his own henchmen. In the movie, Netaji Joker would raise an army of lawyers, journalists, policemen, businessmen, and criminals to subjugate common people, who would wish that Batman came and rescued them.

The movie has been titled “Waiting for Batman” and a formal announcement would be made on April 16, 2009 by the producers.

Marathon kid Budhia has started running again

Bhubaneswar. Budhia Singh, who made a world record three years back by running continuously for 65 kilometers at a tender age of just four years, has started running all over again. Budhia had tried to run continuously over 70 kilometers, from Lord Jagannath's Temple in Puri to CRPF Group centre in Bhubaneswar, before doctors and the government stopped him from running further. It’s not yet clear why Budhia has started running again and this has given rise to many speculations.

A lot of people think that Budhia has got inspired by the success of the movie Slumdog Millionaire and the subsequent treatment given to the slum dwelling actor children of the movie, so much so that Congress, the largest national party of India, ended up asking those kids to campaign for the party in the elections. Budhia has spent his childhood in slums and experts believe that he was unhappy with him being ignored by political parties and media while talking about real life stars from slums and while chanting “Jai Ho”.

“I think he has every right to feel aggrieved. Even though he made a world record, he didn’t get the same treatment as the Slumdog stars are getting. He was not even made a brand ambassador by any health drink. Now he must have sensed an opportunity with the election fever catching up in the country and wants to reclaim his status of being the original child star from the slum.” Dharmendra Yadav, an expert on Indian elections told Faking News.

Budhia is not at all talking to media and has been running since Thursday morning continuously. When our correspondent tried to get his reaction on the above speculation, he just muttered, “no comments”, giving further weight and credence to the speculations that he was running for elections.

Faking News has learnt that with the news being reported by media, various political parties are now trying to reach Budhia’s family to get political endorsements from him. Congress wants to add another feather to its cap by capturing yet another slum kid to its fold, while BJP wants to have at least one partner in Orissa after BJD dumped it to join left parties.

Our sources also tell us that while Congress would like Budhia to run with his palms up (a display of empty hands) so that the election symbol of Congress is communicated, BJP would want Budhia to keep on running around Lord Jagannath's Temple for days and days to communicate respect to the Hindu faith. Both parties want to reach out to the youth of India this way, our sources inform.

Elections for Kashmir will be held in Ireland

Srinagar. The Election Commission of India (ECI) has decided to hold the parliamentary elections for Jammu and Kashmir (J&K) Lok Sabha seats in Ireland. This has been done after the J&K state government expressed inability to provide foolproof security for elections in wake of the ongoing volatile incidents in neighboring Pakistan. The ECI had the option of either shifting the elections until after situation in Pakistan became normal, or carrying out the elections under the supervision of limited security forces, but it surprised everyone by its decision.

“We were not sure if situation in Pakistan will ever become normal. And to add to that, we expect a lot of political uncertainty all over India after the General Elections 2009 results come out. That would have further made it impossible to hold elections in Jammu and Kashmir. After a lot of internal deliberations and external consultations, we thought that it was best to hold the elections elsewhere.” ECI commissioner Naveen Chawla informed.

Sources confirm that Indian Premier League (IPL) commissioner Lalit Modi too was consulted by ECI before this decision was taken. ECI refused to tell the exact location where elections for Jammu and Kashmir would be held causing widespread speculations. While most of the mediapersons thought that it could be held either in England or South Africa, Faking News has learnt from its reliable sources that the elections would be held in Northern Ireland.

“There were very few areas in this world where elections for Kashmir could have been held. Although many people in Kashmir, who otherwise don’t participate and vote in elections, would have wanted the elections to be held in Palestine, Indian government would have never agreed to that. The next best option was Northern Ireland and I guess the government will have no problem with that. All these speculations about England and South Africa are rubbish.” one of our sources in ECI leaked us the information.

The decision attracted a lot of criticism from different quarters although the political parties seemed to be happy with it. According to reports coming in, Mehbooba Mufti and Omar Abdullah have already started preparations for traveling and campaigning abroad. Hurriyat parties too, for a change, have expressed interest in traveling, though they were tight lipped about campaigning or taking part in the elections. But all these leaders criticized the Indian government as they couldn’t get clear information about the embassy they should approach for getting visa of Northern Ireland.

Meanwhile critics and social activists have called the whole process a travesty of democracy. A couple of social activists have threatened to go to courts to stop ECI from holding Indian elections abroad. But a few of the experts thought this was always on card.

“First they shifted Indian movie shootings to abroad venues. Then they shifted IPL matches. After Bollywood and Cricket, it was but obvious that Politics was next in line, and it has happened now. I won’t be surprised if Religion, another favorite pastime of Indians, is also shifted abroad. So watch out, next Amarnath Yatra could happen in Timbaktu.” Prem Pujari, a social thinker, opined.

Taliban accepts Plant Psychology, bans haraam vegetables

Swat Valley, Pakistan. Taliban has declared that Plant Psychology, a rather disputed field of study under Plant Physiology, is compatible with its own version of Islam. After researching and vegetating investigating for decades, Taliban scholars have finally concluded that plants and vegetables have life and they react to physical and psychological stimuli i.e. plants don’t only feel pain and agony, but they can even hate you for mistreating them.

“Subhanallah! This is a tight slap on the face of infidels who have been calling us backward and enemies of modern science. Our wise men have been able to conclude what the kaafirs couldn’t even comprehend. Inshallah, now we will spread the light of our knowledge everywhere.” Taliban chief Maulana Mushroom Azahar declared from a mountain top.

But this ‘discovery’ by Taliban has caused them to issue a rather quirky command for the whole Muslim world, which has been already implemented in the swat valley. Taliban scholars have concluded that since plants and vegetables are as good as animals now, halaal or the prescribed method of slaughtering, will apply to plants and vegetables too.

“With this new information bestowed upon us by Allah, it’s beyond doubt that chopping or cutting of vegetables is as good as slaughtering of an animal and hence the current style of vegetable cutting is haraam. Muslims all over the world are indulging in this sin unknowingly, but now that we have shown them the true path they must reform themselves or will have to face the wrath of Allah.” Mushroom Azahar warned the gathering and asked his supporters to behead anyone chopping vegetables in jhatka style i.e. cutting the vegetables into split pieces in quick succession.

This new command is reportedly causing a lot of inconvenience to local population, especially to the housewives, who now have to spend almost the whole day preparing food. Women have to first swipe vegetables with a sharp knife without splitting it into two or more pieces, and then wait till the moisture or natural juice of the vegetables have dried up considerably before cutting them into separate and smaller pieces. Women have been unable to do anything else other than cooking food since the command has been implemented in the valley.

Restaurants in the region too have been seeing huge backlog as they have been unable to meet demand for vegetables from people. Such developments have caused everyone in the area to spend more time on food preparation and consumption, but not many are complaining.

“After they banned playing football, watching television, and going to school, we had a lot of free time and we didn’t know what to do. Now all of us are busy cutting and chopping vegetables. I guess they have done a nice job.” Assif Zardari, a local resident told our reporter.

Crow Party of India launched, to fight elections

New Delhi. Taking a cue from the huge success of Rhinoceros Party of Canada, Pagal Patrakar, the Managing Editor of Faking News, has launched Crow Party of India, the latest political party of India.

Although the party name could be abbreviated to CPI, Pagal Patrakar has decided not to use this abbreviation as this could lead to confusion between Crow Party of India and Communist Party of India, causing supporters to vote for the wrong CPI in coming elections. Crow Party of India would be simply referred to as “Crow Party”.

Crow Party workers will be referred as cro(w)nies or cronies. Each crony will solemnly declare his or her steadfast support and submission to the motto of Crow Party that “crows everywhere are equally black”.

“We strongly believe in equality of everyone and crows were the best symbol to represent it. You can tell the difference between an Indian dog and a German dog, but I bet you can’t tell the difference between an Indian crow and a German crow. This makes sure that no crow is ever discriminated for his or her origins, and Crow Party believes in this policy.” Pagal Patrakar, the chief crony told.

Crow Party also released its manifesto for the General Elections 2009 and declared Pagal Patrakar as its prime ministerial candidate. ‘Fairness’ will be the key electoral issue of the Crow Party, promising every group in India a fair treatment. Some of the highlights of the election manifesto of Crow Party are as follows:

To declare Comic Sans MS as the official font of India.

To install a king size wax statue of a Crow over the Indian Parliament.

To create a new department for upkeep of the crow statue, especially shielding it from pigeon droppings.

To create a Terrorism Ministry where terrorists can directly interact for future attacks and negotiations.

To transfer J&K (Jammu and Kashmir) to USA on a 99 year lease.

To make various new States in rest of India and declare President’s rule in all of them.

To make Sheryl Crow the President of India.

To provide reservations in educational institutions and jobs on the basis of skin color.

To link all mountains of India by dumping all industrial waste in a series of hillock looking heaps.

To color Taj Mahal in crow black, the to-be-declared national color of India.

To provide speedy justice by having Courts on railways.

To have a national award for bribery (Red & Black Bribery Award).

To ban farting in public. Public places will have designated farting zones.

To penalize violators of Newton’s Laws with capital punishment.

To declare Darwin’s Theory of Evolution as being consistent with 20-20 Cricket rules.

To levy heavy taxes on people having slow strike rate in limited over Cricket.

To change the name of Pakistan to Mohenjo-Daro.

To declare keeping a pet crow compulsory for each Indian, those who express inability to do so will have to pay a monthly royalty to the Crow Party.

To write a personal article related to each Indian citizen in Wikipedia.

To allow voting by telepathy for busy professionals, housewives, and youth.

To allow merger and acquisitions in religions. People of one religion would also be able to buy or borrow gods or prophets from the other.

To donate a Swiss Card (Credit Card from Swiss Bank) to all jobless Indians. Their payment will be met from Indian accounts in Swiss Bank.

To declare April Fool’s day as national holiday and abolish all other holidays.

To imprison producer and directors making bad Bollywood movies for 25 years. Government will take over the Box Office.

To list Gandhiji’s spectacles and slippers on Wall Street for active trading after forcibly retrieving it from the current owner.

There are many other promises that have been made in the Crow Party manifesto, which claims that the party will change the shape of India forever and for good, if given a chance to serve the citizens.

“All these issues are very relevant and very vital for each Indian citizen and unfortunately no other political party has a comprehensive solution to any of these issues and problems. They only work to make these problems worse. Crow Party is the only alternative.” Pagal Patrakar made a strong pitch for the coming elections.

Crow Party would be soon soliciting candidature from willing cronies to fight elections from all Lok Sabha seats of the country. Willing people can offer their candidature as a reply to this report on Faking News as well. The party will simultaneously launch an aggressive campaign in major cities of India to promote Crow Party and its policies.

One of the initial campaigns of the Crow Party will be to distribute sensuous movies and literature among voters to titillate them. Pagal Patrakar denied that it was any cheap mean to attract attention.

“All the politicians are causing division in the society. People are dividing themselves along ethnic lines. By distributing sensuous works of art, we are pushing people towards multiplication instead of division.” Pagal justified the move.

UPDATE: Due to growing popularity and support for Crow Party among the common masses, a separate platform for cronies have been created. Please join the Crow Party and help India become a political superpower. Click here to join.

Who will become Prime Minister of India?

New Delhi. Faking News has finally decided to take off the polls to find out worst Hindi and English News channels of India as the data was not showing any different trend for many weeks now and the positions of different news channels seem to have been more or less fixed. The earlier report on the worst news channel of India stands updated and the poll is declared closed now.

But what polls should replace them? Of course politics, after all general elections are coming! With inputs from our special correspondent Chhuchhundarbaba, we have started two new polls –

1. “Who will become the Prime Minister of India?”

L K Advani

Manmohan Singh

Mayawati

Pagal Patrakar

Me, I too have a party

2. “Who do you think has maximum support?”

Casteist parties

Communal parties

Communist parties

Corrupt parties

Crow Party

You can see these polls from now on at the bottom of the homepage of Faking News and voting will continue till May 31st 2009. We want to categorically deny that it is any kind of opinion poll using scientific data, which can influence people’s decision to vote in the actual elections, and hence the Election Commission of India’s ban on opinion polls doesn’t apply to us.

Pole dancing declared an Olympic sport

Paris, France. The International Olympic Committee (IOC) has decided to include “pole dancing” as an Olympic event in 2012 London Olympics, and has hinted that it could become a regular event thereafter if it received favorable reactions for the first time. Pole dancing would be categorized as a gymnastics event and would have seven rounds for each participant, apart from the heats (qualifying rounds).

“Pole dancing has ceased to be just a striptease and has come out of the topless bars. Today it is widely acknowledged as a performing art. IOC thought to take note of this shift in the nature of the act and give it a new platform by recognizing it further as an Olympic sport. We have decided to admit pole dancing as one of the sporting event in London Summer Olympics.” IOC chief Rogue Jackson informed.

IOC has set up a committee to finalize standards for the pole dancing event like attire of the dancers and height and radius of the pole. A general consensus was reached among the committee member to have hollow poles for the event, but sharp differences existed over the substance to be used to make the poles. While some members favored stainless steel poles, others were strongly in favor of bamboo poles.

Even as the IOC is busy finalizing the finer details of the proposed event, a controversy has already started brewing in the international sports community over the move. Initial reports suggested that China had objected to the move calling it an American conspiracy to inject ‘winnable’ games in Olympics to push up its tally.

“USA was stung by what happened in 2008 Beijing Olympics. They couldn’t digest China coming on top and now are using such cheap tactics to introduce games that only Americans play. China will not let it happen.” Chinese Olympic Association chief Kud Fand told Faking News.

But Mr. Fand was soon silenced by the Chinese establishment, which called the outbursts of Fand as ‘premature’ and ‘knee-jerk’. Our sources tell us that China is pressurizing IOC to finalize bamboo poles for the event and the government has already set up a bamboo pole manufacturing unit in its bamboo giving province of Tibet. Our Chinese correspondent was jailed when he tried to get the official reaction over this issue. Later in the day, the Chinese premier’s office issued the following press statement:

“The rumors that China is trying to earn business out of pole dancing event are baseless, malafide, and treacherous. We are supporting pole dancing event as such events can go a long way in attracting today’s youth, who has been fast losing interest in Olympic sports. A bamboo will just help in molding the taste and preferences of today’s youth, as has been our national practice.”

Not only China, but other countries too have expressed reservations over this controversial move of the IOC. Many countries have criticized IOC for lowering the standards and shameless commercialization of games. Muslim countries have especially taken exception to the development. They have declared that they will not take part in the poll dancing event and their citizens would boycott all such events. Some groups in Pakistan have threatened to blow all pole dancers with grenades if IOC didn’t take back its decision.

“We always knew that sports are just a veiled conspiracy to corrupt pious minds. We have seen how female gymnasts and tennis stars are actually nothing but fashion models, now it hits a further low. First they turned my daughter into a pole dancer and now they are conspiring to convert all pious Muslim women into sinful dancers. But soldiers of Allah will thwart any such attempt.” Omar Bakri, leader of al-Muhajiroun group, backed the Pakistani groups.

Many groups in neighboring India too have cried foul over attempts to induct pole dancing as an Olympic sport. The issue has also taken political color as general elections are near in India. The main opposition party BJP has termed the development as another example of failure by the Congress government in protecting national interests.

“Congress could not get the real Indian sport of Kabaddi included even in the Commonwealth Games, while Americans have been able to achieve this. Now instead of promoting Kabaddi, Congress will set up pole dancing schools all over the country. This is an insult to Indian culture and indigenous sports. BJP will not allow any pole dance in the country.” BJP leader Arun Jaitley told Faking News.

Sri Ram Sena (SRS), which came into news for beating up women in a pub in Magalore, also declared that SRS will not allow any pole dancing school or organization to be opened and run in the country. SRS chief Pramod Muthalik told Faking News that he always suspected that all women indulged in shameful pole dancing inside pubs and that’s why his men beat up the women.

But ruling Congress has rubbished all such claims and denied that the party had any plans to start a string of pole dancing schools in the country. The party leaders refused to comment on the issue whether they considered pole dancing to be inimical to Indian culture. Our sources say that the party doesn’t want to create any controversy ahead of the poles polls.

Meanwhile pole dancers all over the world are happy over the proposed move by the IOC and have started preparing for the London Olympics. One of the pole dancers of India, on conditions of anonymity, told us that she can bring an Olympic Gold for India if given a chance. She told that she has upped her tempo of dancing keeping in mind the Olympic motto – Citius, Altius, Fortius — "Faster, Higher, Stronger".

Book authored by an internet bot launched

Mumbai. “Athrah baras ka main”, a book authored by a bot i.e. an automated software application, was released in a star-studded ceremony here today. The book is written in Hindi and is a work of fiction telling the story of an Indian boy who could freeze the process of his biological and mental ageing at the age of eighteen. The story has been written by an internet bot named i2writev3.1 that was programmed by an unknown software engineer a few years back.

“It’s a wonderful book and a very original story. I guess we need more of such experiments in India to produce quality literature in Indian languages, especially Hindi. I’m tempted to make a movie out of it, let me tell you.” renowned Bollywood director Karan Khan, who was also the chief guest of the book launch ceremony, told Faking News.

The author, being a software program, was not available for the comment, but publishers of the book expressed hoped that this will start a new trend in India and inspire new writers to write books. The book has been published by Sasta Sahitya Sangrahalaya and it retains the full ownership, copyright and distribution rights over “Athrah baras ka main”. The book has been priced at rupees 67.39 rupees per copy.

While everyone present at the launch ceremony welcomed the new book, it also drew serious flak from some critics who slammed the book for being clichéd and non-original. Many experts believed that the book was a rip-off from the Bryan Adams song “18 till I die”, but refused to explain the basis of their belief.

“Such kinds of books have been written, rewritten, and written over again in Hindi for long time now. Hind readers deserve better. Such kind of stuff must not be promoted and encouraged.” Nirmala Neeraj, a Hindi book critic voiced her concern.

Critics also expressed dismay and lack of hope over any possibility that situation could improve in near future. Our sources confirm that the bot i2writev3.1 has been copied by many Bollywood movie producers who want it to write scripts and screenplay for their next movies to save costs in times of global economic slowdown.

Gays get their own political party

Bengaluru. A new political party has been formed to work for homosexual rights in India. Formation of Bhartiya Samlaingik Party (BSP) was announced here by Gays and Lesbian Association of India. The new party will contest next general elections and field its candidates from all parts of India.

“BSP candidates would not necessarily be homosexuals, but we’d prefer and encourage homosexuals to come out in open and fight elections.” founding president of the BSP Ahmed Anju Iyer told a jampacked press conference.

BSP also declared three central issues around which its political camping will revolve – Abrogation of Section 377 of Indian Penal Code, Formation of a Homosexual Personal Law, and Building a grand mall/multiplex in Bengaluru for central activities of homosexuals in India that will be called Golmall (gays or lesbians mall).

Mr. Iyer also warned that homosexuals would no longer tolerate victimization of their community and disrespect shown to their beliefs. He claimed that homosexuals were the most discriminated against minority group in India.

“How could the central government file an affidavit in Delhi High Court arguing that we are social vice and pervert mind? No minority group has been victim of this degree. The government had withdrawn their affidavit questioning existence of Lord Ram under pressure of Hindus. BSP will form such a pressure group for homosexual rights.” Mr. Iyer explained the political agenda.

Mr. Iyer even threatened that if victimization and criminal branding of homosexuals doesn’t stop, they would be forced to become terrorists. He told that he has come to know of a group that has been formed to present the militant face of homosexuality. The group is called Homosexual Initiative for Militancy in India (HIMI).

When journalists asked whether he was getting into unlawful activities through HIMI and talks of terrorism, Mr. Iyer refuted these charges as baseless.

“HIMI is not directly associated with us and we don’t know who members of HIMI are. It might well be a conspiracy to defame homosexuals, we don’t know. But threat of terrorism looms large. Going by the statements of present leaders in the government, I guess we can safely assume that there is a right to terrorism for a victimized minority group, and some of us may make use of that right.” Mr. Iyer told.

Mr. Iyer was candid enough to admit that absence of a common religion among homosexuals was the main reason why Indian homosexuals have not been able to form a pressure group or carry terrorist attacks. He claimed that recent initiatives by Church in West to have special churches for homosexuals were attempts to convert homosexuals, and at the same time keep them in a ghetto.

The manifesto and constitution of BSP will be released next week and currently the thrust will be to induct new members.

God sorry for creating woman!

New Delhi. On International Women’s Day, Faking News was shocked to receive an e-mail, apparently sent by the almighty God himself (or herself?), expressing regret for having created woman.

“I shouldn’t have done it. I shouldn’t have created woman. I’m sorry.”

This is all that the e-mail body read. Sender’s display name read as “GOD”, while the e-mail address of the sender read as “undisclosed”.

Our team got the e-mail checked and verified from lawyers, policemen, software engineers, bankers, managers, Bollywood actors, politicians and bureaucrats, but all of them were unable to confirm with confidence that the e-mail could have been a hoax, following which Faking News concluded that the e-mail was from God only.

But this terse e-mail from God has caused widespread confusion and bickering among people on earth. Different groups are interpreting the e-mail in their own way, claiming their respective interpretations as the true representation of God’s will.

Jaish-e-Mardana (JeM), a militant group operating in Swat valley of Pakistan, has declared that God was unhappy with today’s womankind for having gone astray from the true path. The group has warned all women that they should submit to the will of God and stop wearing sinful dresses and reading heretic books. JeM has warned that if woman didn’t mend their ways, they might be forced to behead them to lessen the sorrow of God.

“We always knew that God was sorry for what today’s infidel women were doing. Women were not made to do men’s jobs, else why would have God made women at all? Wasn’t God better off creating more men to do men’s jobs? Women must follow this order from God and start behaving properly. Today God is sorry, tomorrow he’d be angry. We can’t let the world face the wrath of God due to errant women.” JeM chief Mardood Azgar thundered.

Mardood’s sentiments were echoed by some groups operating in India too. Representatives of Stree Roko Sena (SRS) i.e. army to stop women, too have claimed that that God was unhappy with wayward lifestyle of women and was sorry for the same.

“Today women spend more time in pubs drinking wine and talking dirty than at home bringing up children. God is sorry to see such scenes and is so unhappy that he wishes that he shouldn’t have created these debauched drunkards at first place. Our representatives will not let this shameful game go on in the name of liberty. Now we have the blessings from God himself.” SRS chief Pramod Maintalli claimed.

Similar thoughts were expressed by many other organizations too, all claiming their interpretation of God’s terse words as the most authentic and final, threatening each other to kill over the differences. Although the aggression and extremism of such organizations was not backed or matched by them, many experts and sociologists too believed that God had every reason to be unhappy with his decision to create woman.

“History is witness how men had to suffer right from the day God created woman. First she made the innocent man eat the forbidden fruit and be expelled from heavens to earth, and if that was not enough, she brought miseries to earth in Pandora ’s Box. God has finally realized his mistake after seeing ages of suffering man had to go through. Better late than never.” Farren Warrel, a leading Man’s rights activist and a progressive masculinist told Faking News.

But there were many people who completely rubbished all such claims and accused Faking News and other media organizations of blowing everything out of proportion.

“I wonder why Faking News didn’t get the e-mail checked by priests, religious scholars, theologians, or even philosophers. They have solicited reactions and opinions from people who must not dabble in religious matters. This has given undue importance to useless and senseless ideas.” Choam Nomsky, a media critic and linguist, blasted our reporter.

Finally when Faking News asked a few theologians and other philosophers over their take on the e-mail by God, they had a completely opposite view from what was being widely believed by the majority. This was one of the reactions we got –

“God is indeed sorry for women. Who won’t be? Just take a look around and you’d understand. What have men done to this creation of God? She is subjugated, exploited, denied basic rights, humiliated, and even exterminated. God created women because man pleaded for a companion. God obliged, and today God is sorry that he yielded to man’s most devious of the demands.”

BJP buys rights of “Emotional Atyachar”

New Delhi. After Congress bought the rights of the British-Bollywood movie Slumdog Millionaire song “Jai Ho”, BJP has decided to pay their political opponent in the same coin. The saffron party has bought the rights of all the songs of recent Bollywood hit Dev.D, especially the superhit song “Emotional Atyachar”. BJP would be playing songs of Dev.D during their election campaign to mobilize their supporters and win over youth of the country.

“BJP has always preferred desi (indigenous) over foreign stuff and hence we decided to use songs of a movie which was cent percent Indian. Dev.D was a unanimous choice as its songs were a hit and Indian youth liked the movie. We are going to unleash Emotional Atyachar all over the country (sic.) soon.” BJP spokesperson Prakash Javdekar told Faking News.

Mr. Javdekar denied the rumors that BJP MP and ex-filmstar Dharmendra, who is also the uncle of Dev.D star Abhay Deol, helped the party clinch the deal.

“Dharmendraji has got nothing to do with it. In fact, he wanted us to buy the rights of his favorite film Sholay and campaign everywhere by climbing over water tanks. But our party decided against it, having seen the results of a contemporary use of Sholay by Ram Gopal Varma.” Javdekar clarified.

Experts believe that by using Dev.D songs, BJP is also trying to change its perception of being against pub-going people after some women were attacked in a pub in the BJP ruled state of Karnataka. Gujarat, another BJP stronghold, is already a dry state. With the protagonist of Dev.D being a heavy drinker, BJP is hoping to reach out to pub-going crowd, experts claim.

“After Vijay Mallya bough Gandhiji’s spectacles and slippers in an auction, liquor drinking is no longer seen as an anathema. BJP is trying to shed its anti-liquor image, and thus also getting rid of its anti-Gandhi image in the process. Dev.D is just a tool to achieve these.” claimed Surendra Yadav, a leading pollster often seen on Indian television news channels during elections.

But Congress is least amused by BJP’s move. The party has claimed that BJP is trying to spoil the youth of this country by projecting the Dev.D protagonist, who drinks heavily and consumes opium and drugs, as symbol of today’s youth.

“We want youth of this country to become millionaires while BJP wants them to become drunkards and junkies. But we think the song Emotional Atyachar goes well with BJP. They raise only emotional issues and commit atyachar (atrocities) on minorities wherever the rule.” Congress leader Digvijay Singh quipped, matching Narendra Modi’s sarcastic comment on use of the song Jai Ho by Congress.

As expected, BJP has rubbished all such claims and speculations, and blamed Congress of fooling people of the country by making false claims on success of Slumdog Millionaire and purchase of Gandhiji’s belongings in an auction. The party denied that Dev.D could drive youth to alcoholism.

“Congress is a champion in misrepresenting facts. Dev.D is all about triumph of Indian culture over foreign way of life (sic.) and not about alcoholism. Youth of this country have been shown false dreams of becoming overnight millionaires by Congress and given unemployment in reality. Congress will be rejected by youth of this country.” Prakash Javdekar claimed.

Further riding on the Dev.D bandwagon, BJP has also decided to use a new spelling for the name of its star campaigner Narendra Modi – Mo.D

India's 'spirited' triumph outside Cricket field

(The image has been created and submitted by chhuchhundarbaba)

Osama’s underwear auctioned for millions

Swat Valley, Pakistan. A Pakistani billionaire has bought underwear of Osama Bin Laden, regarded as a social reformer in this part of the world, for a staggering 7.86 million US dollars. The underwear, which went under the hammer in the wee hours of Friday, was the last one worn by Osama before he realized that underwears were unislamic in nature. Osama had burnt all his previous underwears but decided to auction the last one, apparently to raise funds for operations to support a global jehad.

Hamid Gul, the Pakistani billionaire who bought the underwear, has declared that he will publicly burn the famed underwear along with Indian, Israeli, American, Russian, Filipino, Australian, British, Danish and Dutch national flags to show solidarity with innocent Muslims being persecuted in various parts of the world. He has offered Indian television channels a chance to buy exclusive broadcast rights to telecast live burning of the underwear.

“I want to send a strong signal to the anti-Islamic people that Muslims would no longer take any more shit from them. Modern underwear is a western conspiracy to tighten the noose around the generative powers of the Islamic race. They wanted to scuttle Muslim population growth. Thankfully Osamabhai could see through their evil intentions and opened our eyes.” Hamid Gul told Faking News.

Sources confirm that Osama might ask local Mullahs to issue a fatwa declaring modern underwears as impure and unislamic practice. Sources further confirm that Osama has already stopped wearing any underwear and has ordered his scholars to find out the Arabic and Islamic equivalent of an underwear, which he should wear beneath his white Arabic robe. A mass bombing of all underwears, whether with or withough human bodies, might take place in Swat valley in coming days.

A sizeable part of the Pakistani media has criticized Hamid Gul for spending such a big amount of money for buying a stuff that he ultimately intends to burn. Various commentators expressed shock and dismay at the development, suggesting that such a substantial amount of money could have been alternatively spent to improve tottering economic condition of Pakistan.

Some experts also believe that the auction was just a hogwash, and the real motive of the event was to provide monetary support to Taliban and other forces active in Swat valley in wake of the global financial crisis. A few of such commentators suspect the Pakistani establishment to have provided money, got from USA as economic aid, to Hamid Gul.

Bu such commentators have come under fire for their ‘unreasonable’ and ‘irrational’ comments. Many religious and political leaders have demanded that the underwear auction should not be unnecessary linked with ‘imaginary’ issues like terrorism and economy. They have suggested addressing the real and the vital issue instead – whether it is indeed unislamic to wear a modern underwear.

Call identification courses to be introduced in Pakistan

Lahore. The terrorist attack on the Sri Lankan cricket team has exposed various vulnerabilities of the Pakistani establishment and police. One of the critical and dangerous shortcomings identified among the Pakistani establishment has been an inability to detect hoax calls. It’s believed that right from the President Asif Ali Zardari to a city policeman of Lahore is suffering from this shortcoming.

It should be recalled that Pakistani President Zardari had allegedly received a threatening phone call after Mumbai terror attacks. The hoax caller had identified himself as India’s foreign minister Pranab Mukherjee. Pakistan was put on a high alert following the hoax call and people all over the world feared that India and Pakistan could enter into a nuclear war. Fortunately nothing untoward happened.

But things turned out to be rather unfortunate this Tuesday when a hoax call led the Lahore police to change the route of the bus ferrying the cricket team of Sri Lanka. Police didn’t ascertain the veracity or the identity of the caller and changed the route, which caused the bus to be ambushed by terrorists, leading to death of security persons and injuries to Sri Lankan cricketers.

Now Pakistani authorities have realized that the inability to analyze anonymous and hoax calls have started to prove fatal to them, and hence they have decided to make each person of Pakistani establishment to go through a course on telephone call identification. A team of trainers from USA, hailing from AT&T Bell Laboratories, are expected to reach Pakistan later this month to start the training and development modules.