‘Rakhi Ka Swayamvar’ gets notices from Gays and Government

Mumbai. The latest reality show on television “Rakhi Ka Swayamvar” has run into rough weather just before its first episode was to be telecast today. The producers have received two legal notices from two diverse groups – a Gay political party and the Ministry of Information and Broadcasting. The gay notice accuses the show of being discriminatory, while the government acted after some civil groups complained about forgery on the show. Producers have got one week to respond to both the notices.

The gay notice has been issued by the recently formed political party Bhartiya Samlaingik Party (BSP), which wonders why there are no girls among the suitors’ list of Rakhi Ka Swayamvar. As most of you would know, Rakhi Ka Swayamvar is a show where the great television actress Rakhi Sawant would marry one of the suitors (contestants of the reality show). There are sixteen suitors on the show, all of whom are apparently male.

“The show typecasts and reinforces a typical medieval mentality that a woman should marry only a man and vice versa. This is a retrogressive show, which is highly discriminatory to the homosexuals. We demand that a couple of women, preferably lesbians, are also inducted in the show and are given equal opportunity to compete.” BSP president Ahmed Anju Iyer told after taking part in a gay pride parade in Bengaluru.

Mr. Iyer dismissed the charges that such a demand interferes with the creative rights of the producers. He cited the instance of RPI(A) leader Ramdas Athavale accusing a television channel of bias when he was dropped as a contestant from the reality show “Big Boss”. Mr. Athavale had claimed discrimination on the grounds of him being a dalit and his supporters had attacked the offices of the television channel. BSP president didn’t rule out similar reaction from gay groups.

The producers of Rakhi Ka Swayamvar declined to comment on the charges of BSP, but our sources confirm that the gay notice has caused some high level meetings to take place in the channel to discuss the ramifications of the development. The agenda of such meetings also involved discussions on the other notice received from the government that accused the producers and the show of forgery.

The second notice was sent by the Ministry of Information and Broadcasting after various civil groups suspected that Rakhi Sawant was faking all the shyness, nervousness and excitement ahead of her televised marriage. The groups fear that such a shocking behaviour on-screen in their living rooms will have adverse impact on the younger generation. They dread that their kids might completely misunderstand the meaning of these feelings and emotions. These groups have termed Rakhi’s alleged make-believe expressions as “Silicon Shyness”.

“The show is full of plastic and silicon, there is hardly anything natural to witness and feel. Has the government wondered what kind of impact it will have on our children, who are the future of this country? Do we want a generation that has only plastic smiles and silicon shyness to offer? This ‘reality’ show is a travesty of reality, it’s nothing but forgery and it must be stopped immediately.” one of the civil society members told Faking News.

McKinsey proposes FART approach to employee unrest

Mumbai. McKinsey and Co., the global leaders in management consultancy, have proposed a new framework for companies dealing with employee unrest in wake of the ongoing economic downturn. The framework, published in the visitor edition of The McKinsey Quarterly, advocates a four-pronged approach called FART to deal with the dissatisfaction among employees arising out of cost-cutting measures taken up by companies.

FART stands for Feed, Affect, Relegate, and Terminate – four different approaches that a company should take based on mix of two parameters – existing 'Employee Mindset' and the 'Cash Status' of the company. The McKinsey Quarterly report elaborates each of these four approaches of the FART framework with several exhibits to back up the study.

“If the company has a bit of cash and the employees’ mindset is still to turn hostile, the company should ‘feed’ the employees to stop them from turning hostile. The best way to ‘feed’ is to give some freebies like season gifts, personalized cakes on birthdays, shopping coupons, free pizzas during working hours, etc.” the report explained the ‘feed’ approach of the FART framework.

In case employees’ mood has turned a bit hostile and some of them are demanding explanations about issues like salary hikes and promotions, the FART framework suggests ‘affect’ approach for companies with surplus cash. ‘Affect’ approach requires the company to affect i.e. pretend taking some proactive steps for employee welfare.

“The company could initiate a pretentious performance appraisal process to quell the employee unrest. Other steps could involve sending the employees a feedback form, or inviting employees for a one-to-one interview with HR executives, etc. Such steps mollify the hostile mood of the employees, giving them a hope about future, but these steps should be taken only when the company has some cash to meet the expenses associated with these affected steps.” the report elaborated.

If a company doesn’t enjoy the luxury of surplus cash and is running into losses, the FART framework advocates ‘relegate’ approach, but only if the employees are in a friendly mindset, which is rare in normal course. The approach involves taking steps like lowering the compensation packages and demoting the employees. The report describes the ‘relegate’ approach as being a transient approach as it usually ends up changing the employee mindset from friendly to hostile, leaving the company to adopt the forth and the final approach – terminate.

“If the company is running into losses and employees have turned hostile, the best approach is to ‘terminate’ i.e. fire the employees.” the report concluded the FART framework.

BCCI to manage ad and modeling contracts of cricketers

Cricketers won’t be able to sign advertising and modeling contracts independently anymore, all such contracts would now have to necessarily be routed through and approved by BCCI. The move is aimed at improving BCCI finances amidst falling revenues due to recession and poor performance of the Indian team. The picture was taken at the inaugural official modeling assignment of team India at Kingston, Jamaica, ahead of the first One Day International between India and West Indies.

Frog marriages can push up India’s GDP: Study

New Delhi. A threat of monsoon washout has left the government clueless and the common man at the mercy of God. A lack of rainfall threatens to push the inflation rate up and the growth rate (GDP) down. While the government is still pondering what to do, the common man has started taking steps like havan, puja and arranging marriages of frogs. While the skeptics and the rationalists might scoff at these seemingly senseless attempts by the common man, a Faking News study shows that such attempts can in fact prove helpful in pushing up India’s GDP.

“The common man must not stop at arranging marriages for the frogs. This is well begun but half undone. The need of the hour is to keep the frog couple together and make them consummate the marriage. We need lots and lots of baby frogs. Yes, we need to encourage ‘Frog Farming’. The government should buy these baby frogs from frog farmers and then export them to countries like China and France. This will increase government spending as well as exports, thus pushing the GDP northwards.” the Faking News Intelligence Group (FNIG) report noted.

The report points out the fact that people in countries like China have almost eaten frogs to extinction, which has opened up a global market for frogs. Frog legs are a delicacy in France while Chinese eat the whole frog. Some Chinese companies also make aphrodisiac or sex-drive improving medicines out of frog’s sexual organs. Such needs and usages drive the demand for frogs in these countries. Currently, Indonesia is the largest exporter of frogs, but there is an opportunity for India to enter this global frog market and replace the South East Asian country from its market leader position.

“Government invariably has to encourage Frog Farming. The good work started by aam aadmi (common Indians) by marrying off frogs must be concluded with government facilitating mating of frogs. During mating, the male frog climbs over and clasps the female around her waist tightly, and tends to be in that position lasting sometimes for several days! The common man must be educated about this fact so that he lets the frogs make love and not try to disjoin them out of fear or curiosity. During the mating period, the female can lay several hundreds eggs. One can simply imagine the kind of growth we are looking at.” FNIG report elaborated.

Faking News hopes that the government will take the required steps and chalk out a strategy for a National Frog Farming Programme. This could be the second “Green Revolution” our country could witness, pulling us out of recession and monsoon washout.

Indian origin boy wins cat coloring contest in USA

Oklahoma, USA. Ten year old Sameer, a third generation American of Indian origin, won the World Series Cat Coloring Contest here today, beating over 500 contestants from different states of the USA. The competition asked its contestants to color white cats in water-color using their creative imagery to create beautiful colorful cats. Sameer emerged as the final winner after seven days of grueling competition, sending whole of media India into ruptures of joy.

Sameer’s great grandparents used to live in Okhla village in Delhi, but his grandfather decided to leave India and migrate to the USA to lead a better life. His ancestral home was bought over by a property dealer who now runs a pet shop over there.

Various television news channels of India are planning to air special LIVE news bulletins from the same pet shop to celebrate Sameer’s victory. Members of one television crew were suggesting the pet shop owner to color all the pets, especially the cats, in tri-color to add ‘punch’ to the ‘story’.

“It’s a Breaking News! Our TRPs will prove it!” Lijjat Sharma, chief of an Indian TV channel told Faking News.

Sameer was completely unaware of this hype in India over his victory when our Oklahoma correspondent met him. He expressed happiness and wanted to know if Okhla village was named after Oklahoma. Sameer has never been to India but now his parents are willing to send him to India, if the government pays for all travel and accommodation. Sameer had won three free DVDs of ‘Tom and Jerry’ as the first prize, the only prize of the competition.

When our correspondent asked Sameer if he was inspired by the Indian tri-color when he colored the cat, his parents immediately told “yes”, to which Sameer nodded after a while. Sameer’s parents hoped that their son’s feat will strengthen Indo-US ties; they told this while on phone with some Indian television channel. They also expressed hope that attacks on Indian students in Australia could stop if a similar Kangaroo coloring contest was organized there.

Government of India too has sent a congratulatory message to Sameer and his parents. Minister of State for External Affairs Shashi Tharoor was called up around 500 times by various news organizations to react, following which he finally sent a congratulatory message. Mr. Tharoor remained non-committal over awarding Sameer a paid trip to India. He also refused to comment if a similar contest in Australia could help stop attack on students there.

A television news anchor also asked Mr. Tharoor to congratulate Sameer though his twitter update. The phone line was disconnected and the views of Mr. Tharoor couldn’t be heard. The television channel has asked people to send SMS if they thought the minister should update his twitter status. The channel claims that majority of Indians want Mr. Tharoor to twit about Sameer’s victory.

Meanwhile Sameer risked losing his ‘Tom and Jerry’ DVDs as various Animal Rights group in the USA have called to countermand the results of the Cat Coloring competition, which they thought was an example of cruelty to animals. But Sameer need not worry as liquor baron Vijjay Mallya has announced that he’d gift a complete set of DVDs to Sameer if his prize was confiscated. Dr. Mallya was talking to a news channel that called Sameer a ‘Royal Challenger’ of American supremacy.

Men’s right group demand ban on condoms

Paris, France. A group of masculinists, operating under an organization called MOTA (Men On Top Association), have demanded a ban on condoms on grounds of it being a sign of ‘subservience’. These masulinists plan to meet President Nicolas Sarkozy to apprise him of their concerns. MOTA activists have also appealed to the media and civil associations in other countries to take up the matter in their respective nations and get rid of condoms, which they refer to as ‘labyrinth of latex’.

“No man wants to wear condoms of his own, even the academia acknowledges it, then why are millions of men all around the world made to wear it daily? It’s the right to free choice that is at risk here. Condoms deprive men of their dignity and identity. It’s a sign of debasement.” MOTA chief Farren Warrell called for a universal ban on condoms.

Activists claim that the world is just too insensitive to men’s rights and men have been at the receiving end from the society for long e.g. only men are recruited to get killed in the army in each nation. These activists favor use of ‘equitable’ methods for birth control as they deem condoms as being ‘discriminatory’.

“Condoms are not sign of birth control; they are a sign of control over men’s desires and freedom. France has always taken steps to defend individual freedom and has discouraged signs of discrimination and degradation such as burqa (veil). It’s high time condoms are banned too.” Mr. Warrell argued.

But not all men are impressed with the demand. While some of them accepted that they didn’t particularly enjoy wearing condoms, they argued that condoms were still required to protect themselves against various risks like AIDS and abrasion (sic). A few of them also claimed that they actually enjoyed wearing condoms and it was, in fact, a sign of their masculinity.

“Mr. Warrell has gone mad. What does he know about condoms and masculinity? Has he ever used them? Condoms are not just about birth control, they improve your self-respect. He has denigrated condoms and manhood both. I demand an unconditional apology otherwise he’d have to face dangerous consequences.” a condom supporter told Faking News.

The Yemeni Connection

Aden, Yemen. The government has now waded in to the KG gas controversy by sending an unusually clear message to the Ambani brothers. “The most important thing is that this gas belongs to the government”, said Milind Deora to Faking News.

As the reverberations of this gas problem is felt everywhere from the Ministry of Petroleum & Gas to the Ambanis’ bedrooms, this special correspondent decided to try a different angle, to give this story a better slant, like all reporters at this fabulous news outlet whose coverage of 26/11 was unparalleled, on more than one level. Our story now moves to Aden, the financial capital of Yemen.

It's 6:15 in the evening and the stream of trucks are just starting to dissipate. The setting sun gives the dust an orange tinge, like that Minute-maid pulpy orange ad (where the orange is flying around - same colour... yeah, that one!). At the corner of Al- A’am Ba Ni gas station sits Ahmed on a rusty chair, reminiscing over a life of rusted relationships. He was born in 1965 to a Yemeni mother and an Indian father, his father abandoning him soon after.

“My mother used to tell me of my father, he went back to India and started a textile company, then got into oil refining and made lot of money.” Of course, Ahmed got no share of that fortune, being the child his father never acknowledged.

“My father is dead now but his name lives on the feuds of his greedy children”, he says caustically. “My father took the hard way out, and made it big thanks to his hard work and determination. He gave his children a life he never had and never spared them the finest of anything. They inherited his fortune. But look at the petty squabbling those two indulge in. It’s greed at its ugliest.”

Sitting at the dusty petrol bunk, the lack of bitterness in Ahmed’s voice was conspicuous. In the distance, he points out to his two children playing football, kicking up dust as they scream wildly. The dust has an orange tinge, a minute maid-ish sort of orange (Feel the Orange. Feel the Pulp).

“You know, my father left them a lot of money, big houses and fancy cars. He also left them strife, jealousy and a life full of death threats. My father left me all the valuable things- stability, peace of mind, a good night’s sleep. In many ways, my father gave those two his curse and he left me with the good fortune of a simple life.”

The sun had now set and the large “Reliance” neon sign above his petrol station came alive. Ahmed noticed me staring at the sign and smiled at me, the irony had not been lost on him.

This article was made possible by the generous contribution of Choke-a-Cola. Choke-a-Cola has always encouraged the finest journalists (like fine Kinley water) to cover nuanced stories from all over the world. Choke has as much a “non-profit intention” as Diet Choke has calories.

(Submitted through email by Evil Twin. To submit your own stories on this site, please visit this link)

Pakistan T20 victory trigger attacks on Lankan students

Mumbai. Various parts of India saw Sri Lankan students and tourists being physically assaulted and roughed up by unidentified men and boys, apparently after Sri Lanka lost to Pakistan in the final match of the international T20 World Cup Cricket championship. Reports suggest that most of the Indians are fuming after Pakistan won the cup, for which they felt India were the favorites. It is feared that more such attacks could take place in coming days. Government has appealed for calm and restraint.

“We understand the sentiments of the public but public display of such sentiments are not good. Tomorrow Australia can come up with some similar explanation for attacks on Indian students and internationally our position would be weakened. Pakistan too can argue that India is not a safe country for cricket lovers and this could hamper our cricket economy. People must stop these attacks immediately else government would have to take some strong steps.” union Home Minister P Chidambaram told.

Although no grievous or fatal injuries were reported, Sri Lankan students and tourists in various parts of India were scared to venture out for the next few days. Many of them are in state of Haryana shock and disbelief.

“We never had to face any problems till date. We were a little bit concerned when Sri Lankan forces had started killing Tamil rebels, but fortunately nothing happened even then. This was completely unexpected and outrageous. We were already depressed at Sri Lanka losing in the final, and then suddenly some guys came around and started beating us, accusing us of letting Pakistan win. It was horrible.” Zorseroya Maarkhake, a Sri Lankan student studying Comparative Cultures at Mumbai University, told Faking News.

Security was beefed up at BCCI headquarters too as some reports suggested that Indian fans were upset with the top governing body’s decision to grant amnesty to all ICL players, which inspired Pakistani all rounder Abdul Razzak to come back to the national team and play an important role in his team’s victory. No attacks on any BCCI official or building were reported till the reports last came in.

In a related incident, a man in Bhopal fatally injured his pet dog in fury because the dog barked each time Shahid Afridi hit a boundary or six. The man thought that the dog was saying “boom boom” instead of “bhoo bhoo” and applauding Afridi, and hit the poor little animal with his cricket bat. Now the man is repentant as he thinks that his dog might have been upset as well and abusing Afridi. Doctors have declared the dog to be out of danger but diagnosed the man with symptoms of depression.

Rahul adopts a dalit child on Father’s Day, Mayawati furious

Mulayampur, Uttar Pradesh. Last Friday, Congress party workers had distributed food in dalit localities on the eve of birthday of their general secretary Rahul Gandhi. Today, on the eve of Father’s Day, Rahul Gandhi reportedly declared that he’d adopt a dalit girl child and raise her as a father. Rahul has adopted the same eight year old girl, with whom he had ridden a buffalo around eight months back. The girl’s name is Maya Kumari.

“Rahul baba came back to the village to thank people who voted for Congress candidate. He was sad to learn that villagers’ conditions had not improved even a bit since he came last. Little Maya’s father had passed away in her childhood and her mother had tough time raising her. Out of grueling poverty worsened by poor governance, her mother even tried to sell her to a rich man in Ambedkarnagar. When Rahul baba heard this story, he was deeply moved and decided to adopt her.” local Youth Congress leader Sapna Merchant informed.

According to Sapna, Little Maya will now fly to New Delhi with Congress general secretary and live with Rahul Gandhi in his official residence. She will also get to study in the best schools and colleges in India and abroad. Rahul has promised to her that her dream of becoming a nuclear scientist will get realized one day and he’d be a proud father then.

Whole of Mulayampur village is reportedly happy over the development, but some reports also suggested that a few villagers were unhappy with this preferential treatment given to one child. It should be noted (refer to the Faking News report) that Rahul Gandhi had gone on a buffalo ride with two kids, the other being equally unfortunate to be living in poverty.

“Why was the other kid, the boy Naram Yadav, left to fend for his own? Rahul made use of him when he wanted to ride a buffalo and now he didn’t even care to visit his house. Why this special treatment to Maya? Will the Yuvraaj of Congress help only when the parents try to sell their kids? All of us who are taking good care of our children deserve no rewards?” Amar Singh, an angry villager asked.

Not only villagers like Amar Singh, Rahul’s apparently benevolent act has riled even the Chief Minister of Uttar Pradesh Kumari Behen Mayawati. Behenji accused Rahul of being a ‘dramabaaz’ and ‘natakbaaz’ like Mahatma Gandhi, who had no genuine intentions to help dalits. Mayawati has claimed that the whole act was a conspiracy to defraud dalits of their rights and identity.

“We all know what happened to Kalawati. Now the Yuvraaj has made promises to Maya. This dramabaz Gandhi has deliberately chosen my namesake to insult me and hence the whole dalit society. He wants to finish dalits. Now that dalit girl will no longer remain dalit because caste of a person is same as his or her father’s caste. In essence, Rahul Gandhi has only reduced the population and weakened the strength of dalits. I appeal to my party members to see through this conspiracy and not let this drama go on for long.” Mayawati thundered.

Mayawati also announced a "chheen lo” (snatch them) movement on this occasion asking all dalit families to take back their sons and daughters who might have been adopted or being raised by Congress workers in recent years. She claimed that Congressmen were inherently incapable of giving anything for free to the society and their adoption drama was all hogwash.

“There is no free image of Rahul Gandhi even on Wikipedia – the free encyclopedia for the common masses. Why didn’t the Congress walas give a free image to the organization? It’s simple, because Congressmen don’t want that a common person should benefit and become more educated. They just believe in doing drama and deceiving dalits.” Mayawati claimed.

No one from Wikipedia was interested in commenting.

George Clooney hires psychic to contact dead pig

Some Place, USA. Hollywood actor George Clooney has hired a psychic to help him contact his pot-bellied pet Max, who died in 2006.

The Leatherheads star reportedly told a friend: "The psychic told me Max had a great life with me. He is very happy in spirit and still hangs out with me sometimes.

"I am not sure she was telling the truth but I do want to believe her."

The handsome actor was left devastated after 300lb Max passed away at home while the actor was promoting his movie The Good German.

Max, who had suffered from partial blindness and arthritis, had lived with George for 18 years and the pair often shared a bed.

The 48-year-old hunk regularly took Max to interviews and photo shoots and joked it was his longest-running relationship.

George said shortly after Max's death: "He was as old a pig as the vets had ever seen. He was a big part of my life. It's strange how animals become a big part of your family. They really become a big issue with you."

The Hollywood star vowed never to get another pig following the loss of the pet he affectionately called 'Max the star'.

(Disclaimer: this is NOT an original report by Faking News and has been reproduced here without permission from some apparently reliable news websites like this one. The only motive for posting this news report is to expose those sinners, good-for-nothing bullshitters and enemies of India who had mocked Bollywood superstar Amitabh Bachchan for having arranged a symbolic wedding between Abhishek Bachchan and a Tree as Abhishek was manglik. Thank God Big B did that a couple of years ago or those rascals would have accused our beloved superstar of copying Clooney.)

Bureaucrat accused of sodomy was receiving piles treatment?

Bhopal. The curious case of unbuttoned pants of an IAS officer has taken another bizarre turn. Gyaneshwar Patil, CEO of a Bhopal district panchayat, who was inexplicably caught on camera in a semi-nude condition in his office last midnight, now says that he was receiving treatment for piles when mediapersons stormed his office and shot his pictures without his pants on. Earlier Mr. Patil, who was accused of sodomy by Sikandarabad Village Panchayat Secretary Satish Chaukse, had claimed that Chaukse was trying to blackmail him and tarnish his image.

“I was shamed and mortified after shameless journalists caught me pants down. Out of embarrassment I told things which I didn’t mean. The truth is that I am suffering from painful piles and Chaukse had claimed that he knew some exotic remedy that could cure even the most complex cases of piles. That night I stayed back late in the office to get treatment from Chaukse. Finally he arrived around midnight and asked me to take my pants off and come along with him in the bathroom so that he could examine me closely. I didn’t know I was falling for a trap, but I believed him as I desperately wanted to get rid of this painful swelling.” Patil told.

Patil has requested Chief Minister Shivraj Singh Chouhan to revoke his suspension order and help him get some medical help. He has also demanded that quacks like Chaukse and journalists, who seized his pants and tossed to each other, should be arrested and punished. He accused journalists of pushing him in a very uncomfortable position causing him to speak all wrong things out of embarrassment.

“In Indian subcontinent, you are made to be ashamed of your misfortunes. Even a great cricketer like Shoaib Akhtar was made fun of because he was suffering from genital warts. That’s why I was very uncomfortable when journalists asked me all kinds of questions. I couldn’t tell them my medical problems. Our society needs to be more sensitive towards people suffering from such diseases.” Patil requested people to be more considerate.

After this new twist in the tale, the Madhya Pradesh Government has ordered composition of a medical committee that will examine Gyaneshwar Patil and all other IAS officers for possible cases of piles. A government statement requested officers not to trust quacks and desist from receiving treatment in government offices. The government has refused to revoke the suspension order of Mr. Patil till the committee submits its report.

But the alleged victim of sodomy Satish Chaukse has rubbished the claims of Gyaneshwar Patil and denied having any information or knowledge about piles in general or Patil’s medical conditions in particular. He also refused the charges that he trapped Patil into taking his pants off.

“Why would I work as a Panchayat Secretary for a low salary if I had any special information on treatment of piles? I would have made a killing through medical practice as I’m sure there are lots of sore assholes (sic.) around. This is just a ruse by Patil to divert attention from the real issues.” Chaukse claimed.

Report on Maoist violence in Bengal submitted in lorem ipsum text

Kolkata. In an important development that could give rise to a major political and lingual controversy, the West Bengal government today submitted a report written in lorem ipsum text to the central Home Ministry. The report was supposed to contain a detailed account and update on the law and order situation in the state after reports of bloody confrontations between Maoists and local villagers came out in the public. Officials in the central home ministry are surprised and shocked to get the report.

“How are we supposed to make sense out of it and take the required action to control the violence? There can be only two interpretations of this act – either the state government didn’t bother to write the report at all and has just sent us a document template with the dummy words written on it, or the local government is not interested in having a meaningful dialogue with the center on such a serious issue – both of these possibilities are dangerous for the unity of the country.” Union Home Minister P Chidambaram fumed.

But the West Bengal government officials have denied these charges. The state government in fact has blamed the center of behaving in a narrow-minded way and not cooperating to control the violence.

“Congress has lost all courtesies and willingness to work in a diverse environment after having won so many seats in the general elections. The victory has gone into their head and now they want everyone to speak their language only. Lorem ipsum has a meaning and one needs to apply some brains to understand it. These great words symbolize power to the people and Congress must learn to accept and respect people’s movements.” West Bengal Chief Minister Buddhadeb Bhattacharya defended the report and accused the center of not doing enough.

Explaining his stance, Mr. Bhattacharya argued that the lorem ipsum text enables the proletariat, which is normally not very fluent in linguistic skills due to lack of education, to create impressive documents and presentations without having to fill it with floral or scholarly language. Therefore the text works as a great leveller disallowing the unfair advantage available to the bourgeois due to private education.

The Chief Minister further informed that henceforth every government official in the state would use the lorem ipsum text to communicate. Meanwhile latest reports coming from Lalgarh region of West Bengal suggested that fresh violence had erupted there between Maoists and villagers. The state government is soon expected to issue a statement, most probably in the lorem ipsum text, on the law and order situation, asking the central government to take the necessary steps.

Lazy man wants to file I-T returns through facebook updates

Hyderabad. Garmee Gupta, a very lazy man working for an MNC, wants to file his annual income tax returns using modern technological tools like facebook status updates or twitter tweets. Garmee, who hates to come out of his room and has made his company arrange for a workstation there itself, is planning to launch a mass agitation from within his room to force the government into accepting his demands.

“This is ridiculous. The UPA government claims it represents the young India and is with the aam aadmi (common man), but what is it doing to prove it? A young common Indian has to run from one office to another and gather a heap of documents even to pay money (taxes) to the government. The government should take all the trouble in gathering information and documenting them if it wants money.” Garmee told Faking News.

Mr. Gupta wants the I-T department to make either a facebook or a twitter ID.

“I-T department can have a twitter ID and start following all of us young Indians. We would declare our earnings through tweets and the department can analyze and archive the data. If that sounds too cumbersome, the department could have a facebook page where we would put the required information regarding our earnings, savings etc. on the wall, if those lazy fellows don’t want to follow our status updates on facebook as well. We can even upload scanned documents on the facebook page wall if the government really wants to pain us and asks for proof.” Garmee expounded his proposed action plan.

Garmee has sent a memorandum to the government and asked them to implement his plan within two weeks failing which he’d start a mass agitation by making facebook groups, orkut communities and various public blogs. Garmee has asked all like minded individuals to support him in his endeavors. Garmee was too lazy to give our reporter his contact details, where lazy like minded individuals could contact him.

Dhoni’s love songs CD recovered from English team

Lords, England. An investigative team of Faking News probing India’s exit from international T20 world cup has found scores of CDs from members of English team. These CDs are titled “my love songs” and have pictures of Indian cricket captain MS Dhoni on them. They seemed to have been distributed by the Indian telephony company Aircel. It should be noted that English team had defeated India yesterday causing India’s exit from the T20 world cup.

The CDs were recovered when Faking News sneaked into the dressing room of English team while they were celebrating their victory over India. English team had an immaculate plan to contain Indians and they succeeded in it, causing our team to get over-curious to analyze the causes of the defeat. Our team was mighty surprised to find these CDs as Aircel has no operations in England yet.

But it seems these CDs have got nothing to do with Aircel as later on we found out that West Indies team, which beat Indian team a couple of days ago, too possessed similar CDs. Aircel doesn’t have operations in Caribbean as well. Why are these teams listening to Dhoni’s love songs?

“Members of both these teams might have got these CDs while playing in the IPL last month. But it’s still enigmatic how these CDs might have got a role to play in India’s defeat. England and West Indies both had similar strategies to contain Indian batsman. Could it be possible that they got ideas from these CDs?” our chief investigating officer Jasoos Vikram wondered.

The CDs have contemporary romantic songs from various films from India. The Hindi songs CD starts with a song called Rehna Tu (Don’t change and be the way you have been) and ends with Jaane Kyon (God knows why).

“I am clueless about these CDs and India’s losses as well. God knows why the Indian team didn’t change their batting style from the way they batted against West Indies.” Jasoos Vikram further wondered.

Porn star poses in clothes to protect animal rights

Las Vegas, USA. Renowned porn star Jenna Jameson has surprised everyone by posing fully dressed, covered from head to toe in clothes, to send out a strong signal to the world against cruelty to animals. Jameson wore fur to highlight the plight of animals that are killed by human beings to cover themselves. The event was organized by FALTU (Fur And Leather Things Unlawful) activists.

“I wanted to show how meaningless it was to have fur on your body. Why butcher animals and show their skin when the mankind takes notice only when you flash your own skin? I am confident that people would take notice and stop wearing fur from now on.” Jenna told Faking News.

This is first time when someone has posed in fur to oppose wearing fur. FALTU activists claimed that the event was the most important step ever taken to protect animal rights. But experts have differing opinions on whether such activism would have better impact than earlier occasions when celebrities posed in nude to campaign for animal rights.

“This is definitely a shocking and novel way to register protest but I’m not sure if people would stop wearing fur after this. Yeah, the Google search volumes for Fur, Leather, and Jenna surely would go up.” designer Kapda Kapadia told.

BJP leader wants Salman Khan to lead the party

Ranchi. The problems for BJP after their defeat in the general elections are refusing to go away. After various leaders and strategists questioned the sluggish response of the party and called for a more focused vision and strategy, voices are now being raised to change the party leadership. A senior leader from Jharkhand is believed to have recommended the name of Bollywood actor Salman Khan as the party president and prime ministerial candidate for the next general elections.

“We have learnt all bad things from congress like lack of intra-party democracy, sycophancy and tolerance for corruption in public life, and that has caused us to get defeated in the elections. It’s time we learn the good things from them like making a minority member prime ministerial candidate. Sikhs are to Congress what Muslims are to BJP.” the leader is believed to have argued.

The choice of Salman Khan was backed by factors like acceptance among youth, acceptance among the RSS cadre, and previous relationship with the BJP. Salman Khan is believed to have scored well on all these factors.

“Salman is still young as compared to our present leaders. He holds Ganpati Puja at his home despite being a Muslim and RSS members like it very much. And he has campaigned for BJP in the past. I don’t think we can get a better candidate to lead BJP out of the present electoral crisis.” the BJP leader told Faking News in an exclusive chat.

The rebel leader also argued that by making Salman Khan the president of BJP, the party would also get the much needed mask, as was suggest in a Faking News report a few days back. The leader further argued that just like Congress performed better even in the Sikh majority state of Punjab, BJP will do better in the Muslim majority state of Jammu and Kashmir after Salman is made the party chief.

“If Salman Khan ends up marrying Katrina Kaif, who is half Kashmiri, I don’t see any reason why BJP can’t win elections in Kashmir.” the leader quipped.

CBI gives clean chit to pigs in Swine Flu case

New Delhi. Cell Biology and Immunology (CBI) department of AIIMS has given clean chit to pigs in Swine Flu cases across the world. The department has found out that the present outbreak of Swine Flu has got nothing to do with any swine i.e. pig, as no confirmed case of transmittance of H1N1 virus from a pig to any human being has been registered till now. The group has heavily criticized media for maligning pigs by calling the disease ‘Swine Flu’ and has suggested replacing the term by ‘American Flu’.

“This is really shocking. The disease started in American continent, especially in Mexico, among human beings and spread to other parts of the world through human beings only, still the media called it ‘Swine’ Flu! Not a single pig is down with this flu; in fact farmers are worried that their pigs might get this flu from human beings. The world owes an apology to pigs.” CBI press release told.

The disclosure by CBI has been welcomed by pork-eaters and pig farmers. Farmers have asked the government to take steps so that pigs don’t get flu from men. Government has been unable to provide any information as there has been a confusion among Ministries of Agriculture, Animal Husbandry, Health & Nutrition, and Rural Development for taking full responsibility for prevention and cure.

The confusion got even messier with involvement of Ministries of Information & Broadcasting (I&B) and Information Technology (IT). While I&B ministry is supposed to tell the Indian news channels and newspapers to stop using the term ‘Swine Flu’ form now onwards, IT ministry got a fax from Health ministry to install an AntiVirus for H1N1 virus.

Such inaction and confusion by the government has come under sharp attack from opposition parties with the main opposition party BJP accusing the UPA government led by Congress of conniving in a conspiracy to malign pigs to appease those who think pigs are unclean and eating pork is sin. Congress has rubbished BJP’s claim and has hit back by asking what BJP did when cows were maligned through mad-cow disease.

Apart from BJP, communist parties too have accused the government of being a party to an ugly conspiracy, although the left parties didn’t think it a conspiracy to appease pork-haters. Communist parties believe that the latest disease was called ‘Swine Flu’ instead of ‘American Flu’ to save the name and fame of the USA. Communist parties have decided to start a mass awareness campaign against the UPA government’s servile attitude do the USA.

Man spots cheating wife on Google Earth

New Delhi. A man has filed a case for divorce after he claimed that he saw pictures of his wife cuddling up to a stranger on Google Earth. The man, Shaqqi Usman, was searching for directions to a girls' hostel on Google Earth Pro when he spotted the satellite images of his wife Wafaa Usman in arms of an unidentified man. Shaqqi claims that images are clear and crucial proof of his wife’s adulterous character.

“I was shocked to see the images and I immediately printed the images before they could be superimposed by new ones. Court should ask Google to provide other details about the pictures so that erring wives like mine are brought to book.” Shaqqi told after filing the case in Delhi High Court.

Court has issued summons to Wafaa Usman and Google’s India office in the case and has deferred the hearing for another six months and twenty three days. But it seems Shaqqi could be in trouble for making this novel use of technology. His wife Wafaa has accused Shaqqi of using pirated version of Google Earth software.

“He doesn’t even earn a paisa. The household expenses are being taken care of by me and I am even paying for his internet bills. He downloaded pirated version of Google Earth without my knowledge and now he has come up with this ridiculous accusation. I’d sue Google for privacy if Google doesn’t sue him for using pirated software.” an angry Wafaa told Faking News.

A statement from Google India has tried to downplay the whole situation and has refused to confirm if it would sue Shaqqi Usman for using pirated version of Google Earth. But the company categorically denied that Google Earth infringes on privacy rights of any individual.

“The degree of privacy of an act performed by a person in open or public space is debatable. Google respects privacy of a person as we don’t even read the content of emails on our server.” the statement by the company read.

‘Kalavati’ replaces ‘Web 2.0’ as millionth word

Houston, USA. The Global Language Monitor today reversed their early decision to include ‘Web 2.0’ as the millionth word to enter the English language. Global Language Monitor, which uses a mathematical formula to track and measure the frequency of words and phrases in print and electronic media, revealed that ‘Web 2.0’ was pushed to the second spot by ‘Kalavati’ when they included words in broadcast media and public speeches. Kalavati also beat ‘Slumdog’ in the race.

“It was brought to our notice that spoken words in broadcast media and public speeches must also be taken into account while including a word in any language. We thought it a sensible thing to do and took into account all oral occurrences of different words for the last one year. To our surprise, an underdog and little known word ‘Kalavati’ from India beat all the other favorites.” President of the Global Language Monitor Mr. Bolna Halke informed.

‘Kalavati’ has been included as a noun as well as an adjective in the English language.

As a noun, Kalavati has been classified as a ‘common’ and ‘uncountable’ noun and defined as ’a person who is wretched and vulnerable despite being exposed to influential and powerful bodies’.

“You would end up being a kalavati by taking admission in that MBA institute.” was one of the sample uses of the one millionth word of English language as a noun.

As an adjective, Kalavati has been classified as ‘predicative’ and ‘absolute’ adjective and defined as ‘condition of being left desolate and disillusioned after experiencing a promising beginning’.

“It made me kalavati when I found out that the agricultural land I had bought was completely barren.” and “The girl, kalavati after being cheated by her boyfriend, decided to commit suicide.” were sample uses of Kalavati as the latest adjective of English language.

Shahrukh in first gay Bond movie?

Mumbai. Bollywood actor Shahrukh Khan could figure as the first 'Bond Guy' when British secret agent James Bond turns gay in the next movie, sources say. The rumors about Ian Fleming’s world famous spy turning gay has been doing rounds since the latest James Bond actor Daniel Craig had expressed confidence a couple of years back that fans would accept James Bond in a gay scene.

It was also believed that an Indian actress could play the role of the next Bond Girl, with Slumdog Millionaire actress Freida Pinto being the latest frontrunner, but it seems that Shahrukh Khan has beaten all the girls in the race to become Bond’s love interest. Sources say that by casting Shahrukh in a gay Bond movie, the producers have accomplished a masterstroke as the move could take James Bond movies’ appeal to two new groups – Indians and Gays.

“For long they have talked about Bond turning gay or an Indian playing Bond’s love interest, this is a beautiful way to realize both of the aspirations of the fans. I think the movie would be a sure shot success, though it will be difficult to tell the deciding factor of the success i.e. whether an Indian lover or being gay helped Bond. This would be one of the g(r)ay areas.” noted film critic Pan Pasand told Faking News.

Sources say that the Gay Bond movie would have Daniel Craig playing the lead role and could be titled one of these – The Man with the Golden Bum, The Spy Who Shoved Me, For Your Thighs Only, The Girl is not Enough, or Never Gay Ever Again.

Shahrukh Khan was not available for comment on the news, but another Bollywood superstar Amitabh Bachchan questioned the decision to cast Shahrukh in the movie as he thought that Abhishek Bachchan or John Abraham were best suited for the role after they played gays on screen in Dostana, a movie no less sensitive about gay issues than Milk. Mr. Bachchan called it a typical white mentality to disrespect domestic talent and thrust their bias upon Indians.

But Indian fans and Indian gays are happy over the possibility of seeing Shahrukh Khan in a Bond movie, and told that they would definitely visit multiplexes whenever the movie is produced and released and make it a mega hit.

Women’s reservation might encourage sex change operations: Study

New Delhi. A study undertaken by Faking News Intelligence Group (FNIG) has revealed that many Indian leaders might go for sex change operation to bypass the women’s reservation bill provisions, whenever it becomes a law. The bill provisions for one third of the parliamentary seats to be reserved for contest by women candidates only, and it has met sharp opposition from many members of the parliament in the past.

The study was conducted through personal interviews of existing and potential leaders of the country and vital inputs were solicited from lawyers, doctors, and mathematicians. The study reveals that there is 99.53% chance of a person undergoing sex change operation from being a man into being a woman to take the benefits of reservation or to salvage one’s parliamentary seat.

“Reservations based on one’s gender are vulnerable to be misused. Just like reservations based on religious basis can encourage religious conversions, reservation based on gender basis can encourage sexual conversions.” FNIG report noted.

The report suggests that the qualification of being a ‘woman’ must be properly and comprehensively defined in the bill before it is passed. The report advocates setting up a Central Bureau of Identification of Gender (CBI-G) for issuing ‘sex certificates’ to the candidates willing to make use of reservation provisions.

“CBI-G must award such certificates of being a woman only to persons who have been a full functioning woman for at least the last fifteen years continuously. The guidelines and parameters must be made highly stringent so that people undergoing deliberate sex change to misuse the law fail in their nefarious designs.” the report suggested.

Leaders like Mulayam Singh Yadav, Sharad Yadav and Uma Bharti have welcomed the findings of the FNIG report and have cautioned government not to push the women’s reservation bill in wake of the new findings. These leaders claimed that they stood vindicated in their conviction that the women’s reservation bill was a conspiracy and an ill-thought bill.

But women’s rights groups have criticized these leaders and rejected the finding of the report, accusing the Faking News group to be full of male chauvinist pigs, who could as well be responsible for cases of Swine Flu in the country. They have asked the UPA government to direct CBI to look into the matter and ban Faking News if the organization doesn’t take back the report. They have also demanded Pagal Patrakar to be removed and replaced by some Pagli Patrakarin. Faking News rejects such accusations upfront.

But some women’s rights group have came in support of Faking News group and have welcomed the findings of the report, although they don’t agree with the suggestion of the FNIG report to make the definition and parameters of being a woman too stringent.

“I guess it would be a welcome development if men undergo sex change operations. We have just too many men around today. The sex ratio of our country is skewed badly and is causing all sorts of problems. If the FNIG report is true, finally we can see more women being born, who were otherwise denied birth.” Roop Kanwar, a women’s right activist opined.

Bappi Lahiri arrested for carrying excessive gold, blames Rahman

Mumbai. Disco King Bappi Lahiri was detained here by custom officials at international airport on charges of carrying more gold than allowed and not having declared its possession in advance. Most of the gold he carried was worn as chains, bracelets and other embellishment by Bappida, apart from a few gold lemons, flowers and toothbrush in his handbag. Bappida has been sent to judicial custody but his lawyers have approached the court for a bail.

“This is ridiculous. Why should Bappida declare something that has been known by the whole world? He is called a golden man even in foreign countries, do the custom officials don’t know it? Furthermore, he has traveled in all that gold many times by now, why didn’t they arrest him then? This is clearly a conspiracy against our client.” Mungeri Mafatlal, lawyer of Bappida argued.

While the lawyer was circumspect in blaming anyone, Bappida openly blamed musician A R Rahman for conspiring against him and bribing the custom officials to arrest him.

“Rahman is jealous of my growing popularity, he had to do such a thing is real pity. He might have won an Oscar by error, but I’m going to win a Grammy by this year. You think he gave you Jai Ho, but I had given you Ramba Ho. I might have been cheated, but I will not be defeated. Remember, I’m the golden man, you’re my golden fan.” Bappida told our correspondent while being taken away by the officials.

When contacted by Faking News, A R Rahman or his representatives refused to comment on the development, giving rise to speculations that all is not well between the two musicians.

Osama addresses the gay world

Tora Bora, Afpakistan. Al Qaida president Mr. Osama Bin Laden has delivered a speech specifically addressed to what he described as the ‘gay world’. The organization claimed that it’s an attempt to reach out to homosexuals living in different parts of the world, who are under the false impression that Al Qaida is inimical to them. Al Qaida sources termed the speech as a ‘message of peace’.

“Al Qaida is not at war with the gays. If anyone of you thinks we don’t like homosexuals, someone has given you false information. We don’t hate gays, but we just have our own views on sex.” Osama declared, requesting homosexuals to contact Al Qaida officials for more information and interaction to clear the misconceptions.

It should be noted that in the past, numerous instances of gay bashing by groups like Taliban, which are considered a part of the Al Qaida network, has given rise to the widespread belief that Al Qaida doesn’t like gays and lesbians and advocates penalty for them, even capital punishment on times. But Osama declared such beliefs ‘unfounded’.

Gay leaders worldwide have reacted cautiously to the speech. While many of them welcomed the step, the skeptics among them declared such speeches mere a ‘lip service’ till Al Qaida improves its records against gays. Some gay thinkers and journalists also questioned the terminology used by the Al Qaida men.

“What do they mean by reaching out to the gay world? Do they mean to suggest that there are no gays in Al Qaida, and they live in a different world? If they think so, they are living in fool’s paradise. I think there are a lot of similarities between a gay and an Al Qaida guy. Both like to screw people who are similar to themselves.” leading gay columnist of San Francisco Times Allton Peter told.

Meanwhile Obama administration has ridiculed the speech by Osama and has cautioned people against such gimmicks by the most wanted terrorist of the USA. A government press release has assured gays of protection of their rights within and outside the USA, and has urged them not to lean towards Al Qaida after Osama’s speech.

BJP needs a mask to revive itself

New Delhi. While BJP (Bhartiya Janta Party) is still to start any introspection camp (chintan/manthan shivir) to ponder over the causes of the recent electoral defeat in the General Elections 2009, Faking News Intelligence Group (FNIG) has completed its impeccable analysis for the shock defeat of the party and is ready with the results.

Being a part of the great Indian media, we have decided to make the results public and advice BJP to take some vital steps as suggested by us, failing which they risk facing political death soon. We suggest because we know the best. Period.

But BJP also knows a thing or two. FNIG agrees with the party that it is missing its charismatic leader Mr. Atal Bihari Vajpayee. Vajpayee was famously referred as mukhauta i.e. mask of the BJP by the then strategist of the party Mr. Govindacharya. FNIG couldn’t agree more with that reference in the present times. This is what ails BJP – the party needs a mask.

But the party analyzed the situation wrongly. They distributed paper and plastic masks of Narendra Modi and L K Advani among their supporters for electoral campaign and advertising. Party doesn’t need those kinds of masks. They (the masks) seem so cheap – even a school boy can produce such masks. Seriously.

In fact a school boy named Varun from Pilibhit in Uttar Pradesh did show to the FNIG team how to create such ordinary masks. You just need to download pictures from the internet and click the print button and then puncture some holes here and there to create such masks. It was so simple. They don’t impress people.

The party needs impressive masks. Like the ones superheroes wear – Batman, Spiderman, or even our own desi Krrish. Masks that send a message and convey a character. Without a mask, just like these superheroes, the party will remain ordinary in the eyes of the people and the media.

Although a few people in the FNIG team wanted to analyze the defeat further and rationalize our missing-mask-theory for the areas where BJP won, FNIG thought it a worthless and time consuming act. When these people insisted, we laid them off accusing them of being agents of Sangh Parivar. We strongly recommend that BJP should keep away from such people and start looking for a mask.

Women Reservation Bill gets support through Rudaali

New Delhi. A group of women have threatened to perform relentless rudaali (professional mourning and wailing) in front of the parliament house if the house doesn’t pass the long pending Women Reservation Bill. The bill aims to reserve one third of parliamentary seats for women and has met opposition mainly from various non-women members of the house since it was introduced for the first time.

The threat to perform relentless rudaali has come as a reaction to the threat of committing suicide by a national non-woman leader called Sharad Yadav. Mr. Yadav had threatened to swallow poison pills inside the parliament if the bill was passed. Women groups threatening rudaali have criticized Mr. Yadav for adopting such means.

“The men opposing the women’s reservation bill are not only denying the basic rights to the women, but they are even taking away our basic means to protest. Threat of committing suicide, threat of not taking food, threat of not talking – all these are means of women for protesting. Now these men are not only systematically seizing these means, but even denying us the compensation in shape of reservation.” Rudal Yadav, one of the rudaali mourning volunteers expressed anguish.

The group has given an ultimatum of 100 days to the central government and the parliament to pass the bill, failing which a relentless rudaali would be started in front of the parliament. Slowly such rudaalis would be performed in different parts of the country as well to protest the killing of the bill by the parliament. The group has called on women volunteers in different parts of the country to organize in the coming 100 days.

Kangaroo accused of attacking Indians down under

Melbourne, Australia. Amid growing attacks on Indians down under and presumed pressure on the authorities to act tough against the victims culprits, the local police here claimed to have solved the mystery behind the alleged racist attacks. Police and the local authorities think that either one big burly Kangaroo or a group of rowdy Kangaroos were behind the attacks on Indians in recent weeks. Authorities also released a picture of a suspect Kangaroo.

“Our stand has been vindicated. These attacks were not at all racial in nature as paranoid Indian media have been suggesting. The culprits belong to a different species altogether. We will thoroughly investigate the issue and try to arrest these Kangaroos soon.” Melbourne Police Chief Mr. Down Right Rood informed in a packed press conference.

The police and authorities had tough time explaining this rowdy-Kangaroo-theory as none of the victims had claimed that the attackers were of bestial appearance. Even one of the videos showed a group of human looking Australians attacking an Indian in a train. The only thing authorities could say was that they were investigating the whole case and details would be available only after the investigations were over, but they had a ready explanation on why Kangaroos were attacking Indians only.

“Indians are not new to being attacked by animals. Some years back a monkey had attacked many Indians in their own capital city. My research department informs me that Indians worship cows so that they don’t attack them at will. So it was but obvious that Kangaroos chose Indians to attack. Indians must introspect why they are always at the receiving end.” Mr. Rood explained.

Our sources inform that a few researchers have also suggested that this big burly Kangaroo and the Monkey that attacked Indians in Delhi might be blood related. The Kangaroo might have been dumped into Australia for being too violent and criminal by the British government, which ruled over both India and Australia.

While the claims of Melbourne police and authorities were dismissed by many Indians outrightly, some groups suggested that they should wait till the investigations were over before concluding anything. But conclusions have already begun to come out. A few Indians have been petrified over the possibility of existence of self-transforming Kangaroos that transforms into human beings before attacking Indians.

“This is crazy! The government must tell us how to differentiate between those who appear as human beings and those who are actually human beings. My guess is that the transformed Kangaroos must be having proportionally big ears, and that’s why most of the culprits were covering their faces, especially ears, when they attacked Indians. Man, now I have to check everyone’s ears before going near them! This life sucks!” Rahul Sheth, an Indian living in Australia expressed concern.

Meanwhile a massive Kangaroo hunt has been started by the police to nab the jumping culprits. But the search operation by the police might run into rough weather as some Animal Rights activists have denounced the authorities for blaming Kangaroos without having enough proof against them. These activists also suspect a racial bias within the police to have picked an aboriginal animal over other animals as the prime suspect in the case.