SC advises Parliament to appoint session referees

New Delhi. Responding to a PIL filed by a Faking News reader, the Supreme Court today recommended the central government to appoint session referees during various sessions of the parliament. These session referees would have similar powers and responsibilities as those of match referees in cricket matches. The recommendation has taken the political circles by surprise.

The recommendation was pronounced by an eleven member jury headed by Justice Malcom Gavaskar. The jury unanimously concluded that Indian parliament lacked discipline and orderliness in proceedings as there was a deep sense of impunity among the honorable members of the parliament. Things could drastically improve if the honorable members were to know that someone could fine them or ban them from contesting elections if they showed unruly behavior or indulged in dishonorable acts during parliamentary sessions, the jury opined.

“Speakers of both the houses of the parliament were supposed to bring order and discipline, but they have mostly failed. We think that this was not due to incompetence of the Speakers but due to wrongly placed expectations from them. We believe that Speakers are like on-field umpires in a cricket match. They have to just make sure that some basic rules are being followed in the game. For bringing discipline and orderliness, a concept of match referee was introduced in cricket matches, which has been proving very effective. Hence we recommend Indian parliament to have session referees like these match referees with similar powers and responsibilities.” the jury concluded.

The jury made this recommendation while debating a PIL filed by Faking News reader Naseeruddin Pathak. Mr. Pathak had claimed that since Indian politics resembled much like a professional sport than social service, rules of professional sports should apply to the same.

“A seemingly innocuous person like Harbhajan Singh was almost banned for making alleged racial remarks and then finally banned for slapping Sreesanth, whereas our politicians get away with more serious hate speeches and physical violence. I was deeply disturbed with these double standards in Indian life and decided to approach Supreme Court.” Mr. Pathak told Faking News.

But political leaders are least amused by the development. They are seeing the recommendation by Supreme Court as an attempt to breach the privilege that the parliament and the parliamentarians currently enjoy and make merry with.

“We know how to run the house and the country. We don’t need to learn from cricketers or anyone else. Supreme Court should exercise restraint in such manners and avoid collision of judiciary and legislative. This is not good for democracy.” Parliamentary Affairs minister Mr. Vayalar Ravi (this is not a fake name) told Faking News.

While reactions of political leaders were on expected lines, a common man on the street felt strongly that recommendation of Supreme Court should be implemented. An SMS poll run by Faking News showed that most people favored former Chief Election Commissioner Mr. T N Sheshan to be the first session referee.

Australians challenge Gambhir to smile

New Delhi. The ongoing India Australia test series is also throwing up a series of controversies. The latest being heated altercations between Australian cricketers and Indian batsman Gautam Gambhir. Sources tell Faking News that the root of the latest row has been rather unfriendly banters by Australian cricketers targeting smiling abilities of Gambhir.

Indian media has been known to joke that Gambhir is truly very gambhir (serious) in his conduct as well, which makes him smile very sparingly on or off the field. It seems Australian cricketers picked it up from there and started passing comments on Gambhir’s smiling abilities during the third test match when he was playing exceedingly well with little master Sachin Tendulkar.

Faking News has learnt that Australian cricketers threw banter like, “matey can’t smile, let’s tickle him there”, “stretch your lips more than your arms baby”, “punter, can you tell him some yo-mama jokes?” etc. There were some rude and vulgar comments passed too which Faking News editorial team has decided not to publish.

Gambhir finally thought it was too much and shot back at Katich when umpire Halle Beri Billy Bowden had to intervene. But this retort did not stop Australian cricketers and in fact gave them new ideas to annoy Gambhir even further.

Our sources say that the Australian close-in fielders are now using the famous sentence from Hollywood blockbuster ‘The Dark Knight’ – let’s put a smile on that face – to upset Gambhir’s rhythm and concentration.

In fact the antics of Australian cricketers have gone off the field as well with Gambhir being shown a distorted image of himself where he is shown smiling like the Joker. Gambhir was e-mailed this picture apart from one unnamed Australian cricketer showing him a print out of the same during tea-break.

But Gambhir seems unfazed by all this. “I am not only going to smile, but India is going to have the last laugh. By doing such things, they are proving themselves to be joker, not the other way round.” the Indian opener told Faking News.

But BCCI is not taking the matter so lightly. BCCI spokesperson Rajiv Shukla has demanded that all computers, laptops, and PDAs of Australian cricketers should be confiscated and an enquiry should be held to find the person who distorted Gambhir’s picture. He told that BCCI will soon register an official protest with ICC in this regard.

Cricket Australia (CA) has downplayed the whole matter and has appealed to BCCI not to react in haste. CA officials told Faking News that such actions are part and parcel of cricket and Indians are being cry-baby by reacting negatively to them. In fact, CA has termed the picture of Gambhir as being a ‘cool’ one.

CA also received support from former Australian wicketkeeper Adam Gilchrist, who told that Indians need to be more sportsmanlike.

“Indians, especially Gautam Gambhir and even Sachin Tendulkar, have been smiling very rarely on field and especially when they lose a game. I guess the current team is doing good by egging them to smile. I am really sorry that I forgot to put this in my book, but good that it has come to the fore now.” Gilly called up our correspondent to clarify.

Diwali SMS of the famous and the powerful

New Delhi. Apart from being festival of lights, sounds, merriness, feasting, gambling and a symbol of victory of good over evil, Diwali is also the day when people send and receive SMS very actively. Faking News was no exception to it. Although we couldn’t send any SMS as outgoing calls and SMS facility was debarred from our mobile number for lack of documental proof of being a pagal patrakar, we received quite a lot of SMSs from the famous and the powerful people in the country.

We realized how much rewarding it was to be a part of the journalistic fraternity, even though we declared ourselves fake. Our SMS inbox is now strong enough a reason to scare any person of our ‘reach’ in the higher echelons. Picture some of the SMSs we received:

“Sukh, Shanti, Samadhan, Samruddhi, Aishwarya, Arogya, Pratishtha ya Saptarangi Divya ni aaple jeevan Prakashmay hovo. Diwalichya Shubhecha - Marathi Manoos (MNS)”

It was sent by Raj Thackeray himself! Initially we thought he had sent some SMS targeting Bachchan family as Aishwarya’s name seemed there and we didn’t know Marathi (oops, our Mumbai office may remain a non-starter now). But soon we realized it was a Diwali wish and we stopped ourselves from making a headline.

Within seconds of receiving Raj Thackeray’s SMS, we got this SMS:

“Sukh, Shanti, Samadhan, Samruddhi, Aishwarya, Arogya, Pratishtha ya Saptarangi Divya ni aaple jeevan Prakashmay hovo. Diwalichya Shubhecha - Marathi Manoos (MNS)”

The sender of the SMS was Uddhav Thackeray!

Before we could understand what was happening, we soon got a corrected SMS from Uddhav, with Shiv Sena’s name (SS) instead of MNS in the same SMS.

Faking News Intelligence Group (FNIG) concluded that Uddhav must have forwarded the SMS of Raj Thackeray in a haste to mediapersons so that Raj doesn’t get all the attention, and in the haste, he forgot to edit the party’s name in the compose box – a mistake he soon realized and corrected, but not without making a fool of himself.

Then the third SMS we got was from PRO of Government of Bihar, who sent us the following message:

“Subh Diwali - Nitish Kumar (Janta Dal United), Lalu Prasad Yadav (Rashtriya Janta Dal), Ram Vilas Paswan (Lok Janshakti Party), Meera Kumar (Congress) and others”

FNIG concludes that due to constraint of 161 characters in the compose box, the leaders couldn’t say much as their main concern was to have their presence registered with Faking News instead of conveying any message.

Our SMS inbox was almost spammed with many other messages from political leaders but to keep this news report short, we’d now let our readers know the SMSs we received from non-political people. For example, we got this SMS:

“Happy Diwali dudes! Fly High and Feel Happy! Our company cares for everyone! I’m not under any pressure to send this message. Enjoy the day!”

Yes, you guessed it right. Sender is Jet Airways chairman Naresh Goyal.

Bollywood superstar Amitabh Bachchan also graced us with his SMS, which read as, “Each Diwali is ‘Unforgettable’, enjoy it and make it special for you and your family. Thanks for wishing me health. God bless you.”

Another Bollywood superstar Shahrukh Khan sent us an SMS as well that read as, “Each Diwali is a ‘Temptation’, give in to your desires and enjoy the day to the fullest. Happy Diwali. Love you guys. Muaaah”

Although we told our readers that we won’t publish any SMS of any more political person, but at this point we have to mention one SMS we got from a political leader having good relations in Bollywood as well. The SMS read as:

“Each Diwali is unforgettable, enjoy to make it special for you and your family, but don’t give in to temptations. Bade Bhaiya thanks you for wishing him health.” It was sent by Samajwadi Party leader Amar Singh.

We got SMSs from many other people as well – fashion models, cricketers, bankers, stock brokers, doctors, and even underworld dons. Seems all of them need media attention and all of them need blessings of Goddess Laxmi.

We don’t know about Goddess Laxmi, but we have surely obliged some of them, and will keep obliging them in future too.

Bollywood Khans caught gambling on Diwali

Mumbai. Bollywood actors Saif Ali Khan and Shahrukh Khan lost everything, including their clothes, in a gambling party they attended on the eve of Diwali. Both of them were spotted almost naked in ink-blue towels while returning from the party. The duo had smeared their faces with wheat flour to escape recognition, but Faking News cameraperson Flash Gordon recognized them and clicked these photographs. This development, being termed as Gamblegate, is expected to cause major controversy in India.

The party was reportedly organized by another Bollywood actor Salman Khan, who is very well known for celebrating both Muslim and Hindu festivals with equal gaiety. Although Indian media has been reporting about a possible rift between Salman and Shahrukh, those reports were proved wrong when Shahrukh gaily accepted the invitation and came to the party with his g-pal (gambling partner) Saif.

Salman also invited Amir Khan, who has otherwise been keeping busy getting a haircut each alternate day, to join the gang and be his g-pal. Amir too obliged Salman and like most of the Indians, they started gambling on Diwali – the festival of lights and celebrations.

Initially Salman Khan lost his shirt, which he happily threw away, but in later rounds Salman and Amir won everything that was betted by Saif-Shahrukh duo. Reports say that Saif-Shahrukh even betted the clothes they were wearing as a last-ditch attempt to beat Salman-Amir, but ended up losing even their undergarments. Salman Khan later on gave them a big towel to cover themselves up and go back home.

To escape humiliation in public, Saif and Shahrukh had put wheat flour on their faces so that people can’t recognize them. This camouflaging trick almost worked until Shahrukh blurted out ‘k-k-k-k-kameraman’ when he saw Faking News cameraman Flash Gordon. Flash Gordon's camera got turned on after hearing this sound and he clicked their pictures immediately, which has now become the trigger of Gamblegate controversy.

Bollywood actor Akshay Kumar has asked people in entertainment industry not to indulge in gambling on Diwali and thus lead an exemplary life for people of India. He expressed shock at the development by sending SMS from Vaishno Devi, saying he expected maturity from no less than Amir Khan among the four.

But Amir has defended his decision and has told that he got into it thinking it was just a fun game. In a press release, marked to Academy Award jury as well, Amir has clarified that he didn’t expect Salman to insist on losing couple to leave behind everything they had lost.

Faking News tried to contact various Muslim ulema whether they would issue a fatwa against the four Khans for indulging in such acts, but none of the ulema were interested. We’d keep contacting them until we get a fatwa and a headline.

Meanwhile taking a note of the media headlines and public interest in the issue, Maharashtra government is thinking of legalizing gambling in public interest.

“Gambling has been going on for a long long time on Diwali day in India. I think time is ripe for us to legalize gambling. We’d grant a gambling partner the status of a business partner if two people have been gambling together for a considerable time.” Home Minister of Maharashtra R R Patil told Faking News in sign language as his mouth was full of sweets sent by Raj Thackeray.

The whole issue is expected to generate even more controversy as reactions from various quarters are still pouring in. But leaving them aside, Faking News uses this opportunity to wish a very happy Diwali to its readers.

US to grant H-1B visas to recovery agents

Washington, D.C. Faking News undercover correspondent from White House, Deep Quote, has reported that US could issue around ten thousands of H-1B visas to loan recovery agents working for various private sector banks of India. Deep Quote informs that the formal announcement of this decision could be made during the G-20 summit, being dubbed as ''Capitalism Summit'', to be hosted by President George Bush on November 15 in Washington.

It is understood that finally US policy makers have found out that the latest economic downturn, being dubbed as death knell of capitalist economy, was a result of the subprime mortgage crisis, where a large number of people defaulted on housing and other loans. The inability to recover capital from these people had a cascading effect on the whole banking system, now threatening to wipe out the entire financial market of USA.

The law makers, ably assisted by leading strategic consulting group McKinsey & Company, have concluded that if the loans were to be recovered from the defaulters, the damage can be undone even now. Deep Quote reports that McKinsey had suggested US policy makers and lawmakers to hire loan recovery agents from India who are very effective in hunting down defaulters and getting back the loaned capital.

The consulting company employed a complex mathematical model to calculate the number of such agents required. The result was 10,000, which is more than 60% of total H-1B visas that the US government grants in a financial year. Apparently McKinsey consultants have convinced the authorities to either raise the upper limit or revoke the current visas to accommodate the loan recovery agents.

Democrat presidential candidate Barack Obama has reacted very sharply to the development when Deep Quote informed him (by writing an anonymous mail) about the development. Obama also thanked George Bush as he claimed that Bush has given him a very potent tool for electioneering.

“Most of these so-called subprime loans have been given to blacks and other minorities, and by hiring Indian recovery agents, Republicans are trying to fill a sense of insecurity among these groups. I would appeal to blacks and other minority groups to vote for me as I would cancel all such visas and send the recovery agents back to India.” Obama reacted by replying to the anonymous mail.

Indian arm of McKinsey & Company refused to talk to Faking News when our correspondent tried to contact them. Our mail to them was not anonymous.

Rahul Gandhi rides a buffalo

Mainpuri, Uttar Pradesh. Congress general secretary Rahul Gandhi, who is on an unguided tour of rural India, won a lot of hearts here today when he rode a buffalo along with two local kids. Rahul moved around the streets of Mulayampur village riding on the same buffalo for over half an hour. Rahul described the experience as ‘exhilarating’.

“I just had the time of my life. One can get the true picture of India through such exhilarating experiences. I would suggest each Youth Congress worker to ride a buffalo at least once and work for the development of the country.” Rahul told mediapersons, wiping heavy sweat drops off his forehead.

Rahul also fed fodder to the same buffalo after the ride was over and shared a cup of tea with local villagers who informed Rahul about their livelihood problems. Rahul assured them of working towards a solution if Congress came to power in the state.

Rahul also told villagers not to worry because Indo-US Nuclear Deal had become a law and soon India will be placing orders for energy needs. Villagers were very happy to know this as one of their major problems was law and order.

Later on, Rahul accused Mayawati government of doing nothing for the poor people. He also told that through such visits, he was getting better information about rural India and it would help him in discussing issues of a common man with the Prime Minister.

Meanwhile Mayawati has hit back at Rahul Gandhi for criticizing her government. She claimed that Rahul’s buffalo ride was a drama to fool the poor and the dalits. She further accused Rahul of exploiting them.

“Congress workers had cushioned their yuvraaj with two dalit kids on either side when riding a buffalo. It was a well thought out plan to put those two poor dalit kids on risk to save Rahul Gandhi in case he fell off the buffalo. I have asked Mainpuri DM to look into this matter of exploitation and child labor.” Mayawati told Faking News.

Mayawati also claimed that the concerned buffalo was washed with mineral water and deodorant was applied on its skin before Rahul boarded it.

Faking News was the first media team to hunt down the buffalo (see exclusive pictures on the left side), but by that time the buffalo had entered a dirty river and our team was at loss to verify the claims of Mayawati. But we found out that the buffalo’s name was Kalu.

Rahul also had to face criticism from his aunty and animal rights activist Maneka Gandhi, who termed Rahul’s act as an example of cruelty towards animals. She has asked Rahul to apologize to the buffalo.

“How can three persons be allowed to ride on a single buffalo for over half an hour? This is unacceptable. And if Rahul actually had got the buffalo washed in mineral water and sprayed deodorant on it, then this is actually criminal. This can cause skin cancer to the buffalo. I demand a high level enquiry into the whole matter.” Ms. Gandhi fumed.

Meanwhile Congress leaders have rubbished he claims of Maneka Gandhi and Mayawati and have accused UP government of witch-hunting by ordering an enquiry into Rahul’s buffalo ride. Party has declared that Rahul Gandhi will continue his tour of rural India and continue inspiring the youth of the country.

“Rahulji has done a very commendable job. I will ask all IIMs to send their students on a compulsory one month internship in villages where all of them must ride buffaloes. Government will soon issue a notice to all IIM directors in this regard.” veteran congress leader and HRD minister Arjun Singh informed.

IIM directors and students refused to comment on the issue until they received any notification from the ministry. However IIM Ahmedabad campus saw funny scenes when a stray buffalo entered the campus.

Religious leaders generate SHARM

New Delhi. Cutting across religious lines, leaders and representatives from various faiths came together and announced formation of SHARM (Save Humanity And Religions Movement). These leaders have accused Indian government of defaming one religion after another in a systematic manner and dividing the society on communal lines.

“First they branded Sikh saints like Bhindaranwale as terrorists, then they targeted Muslim maulvis, and now they are branding Hindu saadhvis as terrorists. In other parts of the world, Christian pastors are being branded as pedophiles and Buddhist Monks as being called murderers. The pattern is clear – to destroy all religions one by one. We have to unite and fight this evil.” an unidentified spokesperson told mediapersons.

SHARM has also announced its tagline – either you are with us, or you are besharm (shameless).

Saadhvi Purna Satya Devi, a member of SHARM, exhorted all religious leaders to forget internal differences and support SHARM. She especially cautioned Christian leaders not be complacent as government was planning to implicate them in some old cases like murder of Sister Abhaya, and put them behind bars as well. She averred that no religion was safe in the country anymore.

SHARM has demanded that religious leaders and institutions should be restored to the highest order in the society as they were the original First Estate. It also accused media of not being helpful enough and blindly believing what the government says.

“The First Estate is under siege and the Fourth Estate is in deep freeze. Such a situation is not good for humankind as it allows for chaos and anarchy. It’s time to act!” Mohammad Afzal Chishti, another member of SHARM, told.

Members of SHARM plan to launch an awareness campaign to expose the government. They claim that government has a hidden agenda to divide the citizen of India on communal lines.

“When blasts in Hindu areas happen, they catch and kill Muslims. When blasts in Muslim areas happen, they arrest Hindus. What is the government trying to convey? It’s a clear case of pitching one religion against the other. They want to create a sense of insecurity and lack of trust among citizens and make a fertile ground for divisive politics.” the same unidentified spokesperson explained.

The timing of formation of SHARM – just after the arrest of the first Hindu terrorism suspect and just before several states go to Assembly elections – is raising some eyebrows and many people have called it a political gimmick to shift focus away from religious terrorism.

But there were a few takers for the idea too, who believed that a negative image of religion has been pushing economy on the downturn.

“If people lose faith in religions, they will need to undertake substitute activities to satisfy their spiritual and paranormal desires. Such activities would most likely be consumption of opium or keen interest in topics such as aliens. Since supply of opium is very limited and demand is expected to grow manifold, expected spending on opium will surpass current spending on religious acts. In case of aliens, media would spot an opportunity and they will spend heavily on producing consumable media on aliens and allied topics. All this means increased spending, which will adversely impact liquidity in the market, and this is not good for our economy in current times.” Economist Stephan Livid told Faking News.

Mr. Livid asserted that it is no coincidence that markets have been falling in India at a time when religious groups and leader are getting implicated in terrorist activities.

It would be interesting to see how markets would react to this development when they open on Monday for trading.

Worst news channel of India?

Forty (40) days ago, Faking News started with a loudly declared love for television news reporting and has been steadfastly manifesting its love through various reports it publishes, which attempts to match the standards and style of television news reporting of India, albeit the format is that of print news reporting.

Well well well, we are not closing down after just 40 days, but we are closing down the first phase of an ongoing ‘opinion poll’ that we ran since our very first day. The opinion poll was about finding the worst television news channel of India (look at self-opinionated supercilious us!). And yes, we didn’t define what makes a channel ‘worst’, we left that to the taste and discretion of our readers.

Interestingly we had put only Hindi news channels as contenders for the post – an aspect which caused some of our readers to accuse us of being anglophile. We apologize for appearing to be so. Today we’ll take some corrective measures.

Due to mushrooming Hindi news channels, and all of them claiming to be ‘national’ channels, we had pretty tough time (we are faking it) finalizing the initial list of contenders. With all due respect to all kind of existing news channels, we guess we were not too off-the-mark in choosing our initial list.

Following were the Hindi news channels (arranged in alphabetical order) which we put in race to get votes for winning the worst news channel award (we won’t hand out any trophy or cash or anything; it’s just a figurative term):

• Aaj Tak
• IBN7
• India News
• India TV
• Live India
• NDTV India
• News24
• Sahara Samay
• Star News
• Zee News

In the last 40 days, we had 1600 votes being polled. A bit disappointing number we’d say as we had almost 16000 visitors during the same duration. We hope more and more visitors would participate in the next round of this ongoing opinion poll.

Following figures shows the number of votes each news channel fetched out of the 1600 polled:

In terms of vote share, in percentage, the news channels divided the pie amongst themselves in the following fashion:

Hence after 40 days, the channels can be ranked in the following order in terms of decreasing notoriety:

1. India TV
2. Aaj Tak
3. NDTV India
4. Star News
5. IBN7
6. Sahara Samay
7. Zee News
8. India News
9. Live India
10. News24

Well, our team believes that it doesn’t necessarily mean that the channels lagging in the above race are the preferred channels or ‘better’ channels; maybe they even failed to mess up properly (look at self-opinionated supercilious us!)!

Now, we announce the next round of the opinion poll! Clap! Clap!! Clap!!!

This phase will see the top five channels from the first phase of the poll competing for the award i.e. The Worst Hindi News Channel of India.

And to counter the allegation of being anglophile, we’d also run a parallel poll for finding The Worst English News Channel of India.

We have identified following five contenders among English channels (arranged in alphabetical order) for the award:

• CNN IBN
• Headlines Today
• NDTV 24x7
• NewsX
• Times Now

We are keeping business channels, both Hindi and English, out of this race for some strange reason; you can accuse us of being something like trade/commerce/business-phile.

We don’t know how long we would be running this second round of opinion poll, but it would surely go beyond 60 days. So keep voting and ask your friends to vote.

UPDATE: 19th May 2009

We are finally ending our poll to select worst news channel of India in both Hindi and English genre, and following are the results. The number against each News Channel indicates votes polled in their favor and percentages in parentheses indicate the percentage of people favoring that particular channel in that particular genre.

Hindi News Channels:

• India TV – 716 (49%)
• Aaj Tak – 379 (26%)
• NDTV India – 148 (10%)
• Star News – 107 (7%)
• IBN7 – 101 (6%)

English News Channels:

• Headlines Today – 425 (34%)
• NDTV 24x7 – 252 (20%)
• NewsX – 221 (18%)
• CNN IBN – 181 (14%)
• Times Now – 140 (11%)

Raj Thackeray betrayed by his dogs

Mumbai. They say dogs are man’s best friends, but MNS chief Raj Thackeray got a rude shock when he found out that his best friends have turned out to be the worst enemies for him. His dogs gave an exclusive and outspoken interview to a leading Indian television news channel and exposed Raj Thackeray on the Marathi language issue. Faking News thanks the television channel to provide us with these exclusive pictures and information on Raj’s dog delusion.

The dogs claimed that although Raj Thackeray claims to be a crusader of Marathi language, when it came to giving his dogs i.e. them, a name, he gave them English names – James and Bond. Both James and Bond were visibly upset about it as they had desperately wanted Marathi names for themselves. It’s not clear whether the dogs spoke in English or Marathi to the news channel, as their sound ‘bites’ were not broadcast on television.

The dogs further revealed that Raj Thackeray always kept them chained, the only exception being occasions when a Bihari was around. James and Bond told that they finally decided to expose Raj Thackeray as they couldn’t get their daily breakfast of milk-and-biscuit because MNS supporters had spilled thousands liters of milk on road during protests on Tuesday and had looted biscuit shops.

The revelation by the dog-duo has taken whole of India by storm. Human and animal rights activists are asking for a re-trial of Raj Thackeray as they feel that this is a clinching evidence that will deny him a bail. Animal rights activist Maneka Gandhi has echoed the sentiments and demanded immediate arrest of Raj Thackeray. She also asked Maharashtra government to provide Z+ security to both the dogs and declared that such unfair treatment to dogs will not be tolerated by people of India.

The development has caused sensation in corporate world as well. Mobile telephony company Airtel is reported to be trying to contact the dogs to feature them in a television commercial showing dogs as disloyal. Apparently they want to checkmate Vodafone’s positioning of dogs as a loyal and following companion in their advertisements. Sources say they are willing to pay 5.78 crores to each dog to feature in the advertisement.

Well known cartoonist Aatmaram has declared that he will create a character called Kuttaraj, which will be a superhero having ultimate commands over all pet dogs of the world. Kuttaraj will look similar to Nagraj, but wont’ throw dogs at the enemies. His main weapon would be pet dogs, who would turn hostile against their villainous masters.

Expectedly, the revelation by dogs has heated up the political atmosphere as well.

Lalu Yadav has declared that he will buy two dogs and name them ‘Raj’ and ‘Thackeray’. He has found popular support among people of Bihar, but Bollywood actor Amir Khan has cautioned Lalu against taking such a step. He told that naming dogs after human beings is fraught with problems and generally people don’t appreciate when dogs with such names lick their master’s feet.

Meanwhile Shiv Sena has demanded that the leading news channel should be banned for broadcasting a story that is blatantly disrespectful to their founder Balasaheb Thackeray. The party mouthpiece Saamna says that the concerned dogs were step-brothers and not an uncle-nephew duo as claimed by the channel. Saamna article threatens the channel of a defamation suit as it suspects that the relationship between the dogs was made up to allude to the relationship between Raj and Balasaheb.

Faking News had tough time finding the whereabouts of dogs and despite our best efforts, we couldn’t interview them for our viewers. But we encourage our viewers to write to us (by commenting on this news article) with their questions that they would want to be asked to James and Bond, whenever we get to meet them for an interview.

Chandrayaan faces trouble before landing

Sriharikota. Even though it’s still around couple of weeks before Chandrayaan-1 will land on the surface of moon, it has run into rough weather. No, no lightening or rains have blocked its way, but MNS is opposing its landing on moon. MNS, yeah, you read it right! A picture of MNS supporters opposing Chandrayaan-1 is printed below:

The picture has not been made by Faking News. One of our reporters got it as an e-mail forward which didn’t quote the source or name the creator of the picture. Maybe the person who created this picture was concerned about his/her safety. But as they say, a picture speaks more than a thousand words, so read on and listen to what the picture says.

Pakistani groups demand sending spaceship to moon

Lahore, Pakistan. Extremist and religious groups in Pakistan have asked the government to send a counter spaceship to moon to defeat India’s sinister purposes that have come to the fore with launching of Chandrayaan-1. They have threatened to launch terror and suicide attacks all over the country if their demand is not met. The demand has put the Pakistani government in a tight spot as the country is already battling bankruptcy threats and a heavy spending on a moon-mission will negatively impact its financial health.

The extremist groups are being led by Jamaat-e-Islami leader Mufti Mahtaab Ashufti. Mufti claims that India has launched Chandrayaan-1 in order to demoralize Pakistani people in particular and Muslims all over the world in general. He demanded that Pakistan must launch its own spaceship to moon so that Islamic world doesn’t lag behind in the lunar race. He further claimed that India had evil intentions.

“Our enemies want to keep an eye over our activities round the clock, so that they can defeat us. Jews and Christians have been keeping an eye over us during the day through American and Musharraf trained armies, and now Hindus want to keep an eye over us in the night through their moon-car by putting a spy camera on the moon.” Mufti explained.

Mufti also suspected that all these missions to moon by Kaafirs are aimed at changing the character and nature of moon, so that Muslims have tough time celebrating Eid and other festivals which are announced after moon is sighted. He exhorted Muslims from around the world to defeat enemies of Islam. Mufti also warned Pakistani government and gave them an ultimatum of one week to act.

Government officials were taken aback by this development. Sources say that Pakistan was already planning to demand grants and aid from USA for research and development in the field of space science after India has declared its mission to moon. But now that demand might be seen as a fundamentalist one after extremists have voiced their opinion.

“After such silly statements, nobody is going to believe us. They will all think we are bowing under pressure from religious fundamentalists. Had we got that research grant, our balance of payments crisis would have been taken care of. Now we need to put forth new reasons to demand international grants.” an official in foreign department told Faking News on conditions of anonymity.

Meanwhile in an unrelated development that might further sully the image of Pakistan in international circles, Google headquarters has received a threat mail from an IP address tracked to Rawalpindi. The mail asks Google to close down the orkut group “Eu amo meus amigos” and transfer the ownership to a Muslim, otherwise their headquarters will be blown up. Initially Google officials were confused as the concerned community was in Portuguese language and it meant “I love my friends” and there didn’t seem to be anything un-Islamic about it.

On further analysis it was found out that the orkut community number of “Eu amo meus amigos” was 786, which is regarded as a pious number by Muslims. The sender of the mail apparently wanted that community number to be assigned to some overtly Islamic community. Google has officially launched a complaint with government of Pakistan has asked them to control such fanatic behavior by its citizens. Pakistani officials refused to comment on this development.

Amartya Sen rewrites ‘The Argumentative Indian’

Kolkata. Nobel laureate and leading thinker Professor Amartya Sen has rewritten his bestselling book ‘The Argumentative Indian’. Prof Sen has replaced the word ‘argumentative’ with ‘sensitive’ in deference to changing times. Prof Sen released the first copies of 'The Sensitive Indian' here in a modest function.

“We no longer are augmentative. Nobody seems to be interested in a dialogue or argument. People are just sensitive. They come, they see, they feel sensitive and act in a fashion that is driven by pure sentiments. Sentiments have replaced arguments.” Prof Sen explained his decision to re-write the book.

He claimed that India still enjoys intellectual pluralism, but this pluralism is no longer the result of interactions between differing thoughts but due to emergence of one way sensitivities. Prof Sen claimed that such a scenario is not good, and Indians must get back to their argumentative ways.

When asked to point out some of the recent happenings that caused him to rewrite the book, Prof Sen claimed that almost everything that is happening around currently bears a testimony to his thoughts.

“Instead of discussing important and vital issues, we are sweeping them under the carpet claiming it hurts our sentiments. None of the policies of yesteryears are being questioned, but they are all being defended in name of sentiments. Look around and you would understand.” Prof Sen averred.

To find out the truth, Faking News carried out a small survey through interviews of various people and discovered that most of the people agreed with Professor Amartya Sen’s views.

“Root causes of terrorism are not being discussed as it hurts the sentiments of a particular community. You can’t question caste based policies without hurting the sentiments of another community. Women can’t be given equal rights as it hurts the sensitivities of the larger society. Gunda politicians can’t be criticized as it hurts sentiments of his supporters. It’s crazy. Prof Sen is absolutely right.” said Ms. Nirula McDonalds, a sociologist.

Ms. Nirula claimed that Indians have deliberately made themselves one way sensitive as they can’t or don’t want to afford a two-way or spontaneous sensitivity, where they should be moved by tragedies or sufferings of fellow Indians. “They have created insular walls of sensitivities around them and choose when to become sensitive, which is one way sensitivity” Ms. Nirula explained.

Common men on the street had tough time understanding the reasoning of Prof Sen or Ms. Nirula but they seemed to agree that Indians have become more and more sensitive.

“Arey bhai, the whole India is running on sentiments. Stock markets fell due to sentiments, what better example do you want? Finance minister and Prime minister argue everything is okay, but sentiments are still down. Obviously sentiments matter more than arguments to Indians.” Small investor Ramesh Jhunjhunwala told Faking News.

Whatever be the truth, it would be interesting to see if the rewritten book by Professor Amartya Sen again proves to be a bestseller.

Journalists criticize Dhoni for late declaration

New Delhi. Television journalists covering cricket, cutting across channel lines, have criticized Indian cricket captain Mahendra Singh Dhoni for having declared Indian innings late on the fourth day of the second cricket test match between India and Australia in Mohali. Although India won the test by a huge margin of 320 runs, these sports journalist think that the declaration was ill timed.

“Fifth day play could barely go beyond an hour and it was such a waste of time for everyone to have waited till last day of the match for a result. Had Dhoni declared by lunch time on fourth day itself, we’d have got a result yesterday and would have had the pride of defeating Australia in just four days.” Anurag Usman (name changed), sports correspondent of Moon News told.

Anurag found support from most of the sports journalists of various television channels. Interestingly, print journalists don’t agree with such a view and rubbished the whole issue. Even among television journalists, some begged to differ with views of journalists like Anurag.

Faking News found the whole situation very strange and hence decided to analyze the issue further. Our undercover correspondent posed as a television journalist and had a couple of drinks with Anurag. In our sting operation on television journalists, we came to know that Anurag’s original problem was not due to Dhoni’s decision but due to arrest of Raj Thackeray.

“Arey yaar, I had got a nice hair cut and got my face bleached to come on television and analyze the Indian victory in detail. The moment India won, news about arrest of f**king Raj Thackeray’s came in and these f**king bosses dropped all story ideas on cricket. My girlfriend is making fun of me. I wish the match had ended yesterday.” Anurag confessed on the hidden camera.

Faking News found out that most of the television sports journalists shared the sentiments of Anurag as they found themselves in similar predicament. But there were some journalists who were happy, like Alok Zulfi (name changed) of Bharat TV.

“Boss, my channel anyways is busy with aliens and witches, but I was really scared today as they had asked me to make special stories on Indian victory and correlate it with presence of Sachin’s wife on ground. Fortunately Raj got arrested and now they are making stories on Raj’s kundli. Bach gaya main! (I was spared).” Alok’s happy face was clearly visible on hidden camera.

Faking News team has decided not to disclose the real identities of these journalists or make public the video recorded in sting operation as this might weaken the fourth estate of our democracy.

Lee's kiss creates controversy

Mohali. Adding a new controversy to the already charged up India-Australia test series, Siddhartha Negi – Founder activist of MNS (Manoos Nari Sanghatan) has filed a written complaint against Australian speedster Brett Lee for blowing a kiss at Indian pacer Ishant Sharma during the third day of the 2nd test Match at Mohali. He has alleged that Brett Lee has shown complete disregard for Indian laws and culture and such an Act of obscenity should not go unpunished. He has demanded an unconditional apology from Brett Lee and went on to add that his organization will not allow any song sung by Asha Bhosle in any language to be played anywhere in the country since she had released an Album with Brett Lee a few years back.

In a peaceful protest against the visiting Australian team, MNS activists pelted stones and broke the window panes of Mauj’s Head Office, the music company which had released Brett Lee’s debut Music Album in India. When reminded that Brett is an Australian National and Indian Laws might not apply to him, MNS Legal Head Rachita Maheshwari said, “Brett Lee has stated that Mohali is like his homeground, hence we can issue him a Ration Card from Mohali District, allow him to vote and then book him under Indian Laws”.

Brett, when contacted by our special correspondent said that his Flying Kiss was being blown out of proportion. Brett also said that Ishant was swinging both ways and that he was just trying to guard his wicket. The Indian camp has played down the incident stressing that no love has been lost between the two sides. Leading wicket-taker and cricket analyst Yogesh Chandorkar has said that, this is just another ploy by Greg Chappell to upset the Indian team. “Chappell’s strategy has backfired. He had advised the Aussies to understand Indian Culture. They have clearly misunderstood our culture and are now blowing kisses at our players” he reflected thoughtfully.

Ishant rubbished rumors that he was worried about the incident. He said that he will continue to work on his swing and he is expecting much more lateral movement as the series progresses. Analyst Neha Pathak from a Leading Investment bank was worried about the long term returns from Ishant’s endorsement deals but rock star Neha Saraf, was quite upbeat about the incident and is reportedly planning to release the Hindi Remix Version of The popular song, “I Kissed a Boy….” with Brett Lee.

Meanwhile the Australian received support from unexpected quarters. Just before the release of his book “Cover your Stump”, Leading gay rights activist and Fantasy Cricket winner Rohit Jain has written a strongly worded letter in support of Brett Lee’s right to express himself on and off the field. He quotes the Theory of Human Evolution to support his claim. “Home-Sapiens being followed by Homo-Sexuals is a natural extension in the chain of Human Evolution” he maintained. “The Prime Minister is busy signing the Nuclear Deal to light homes across the county when thousands of gays are living in utter darkness”, he added angrily.

Ritesh Jain, who is on an Indefinite Alcohol Diet in support of Gays told us that he idolizes the Union Health Minister Ambumoni Ramdoss and that article 377 of IPC is totally unconstitutional. He added that the article curbs the basic rights of the community. He is shocked at Home Minister Shivraj Patil's attitude towards the whole issue. “Everything should start at Home” he added, leaving the interpretation open for our Faking News readers.

Critic Saurabh Naik from Young Legs Foundation blamed it on the Fab 5 in the Indian team,”There are a lot of 35+ cricketers in the Indian cricket team who, being unable to understand the New Age Style of cricket have given rise to the entire controversy” he said maintaining his earlier stand that India should dispose of its ageing stars.

Union Minister for Unacceptable Sections of the Society, Mr. Angad Kalra has said that he will set a high level committee to look into the issue. “We are also considering the possibility of Delimitation of seats for Gays to protect the secular fabric of the country” he said.

(This article has been submitted by self-styled Special Correspondents for Faking News - Nikhil and Shreyash - they are solely responsible for fakingness of the article and quotes)

MNS search launched

Mumbai. After foraying into social service, policy advocacy, railways, and aviation, MNS (Maharashtra Navnirman Sena) has diversified its business further by entering into internet search category. They would be taking on search giant Google head on with their newly launched MNS Search engine.

The MNS search engine, primarily launched in English language, will soon be fully converted into Marathi to respect and salvage Marathi culture, MNS press release informed.

MNS engineers expect to earn advertising revenues from this new business to support peaceful activities and noble intentions of the party. Railways could be one of the major advertises, it is expected. Apart from revenues, the search engine is expected to smoothen and streamline party activities as they have been deemed haphazard more or less by analysts.

The URL of the new search engine is being kept under shrouds of secrecy as the engineers suspect that Bhaiyya hackers could spoil the party.

Record sales of sleeping pills registered

Mumbai. While the markets world over battled the threat of a global recession, some industry quarters continued to spring surprises, mostly in India. Although Indian stock exchanges fell flat on their face this week, the pharmaceutical industry performed excellently well, booking profits over 200%. Interestingly, the driving force behind this spectacular performance of the pharmaceutical industry has been phenomenal rise in sales of sleeping pills in the last week.

A further analysis of this trend reveals that demand for sleeping pills have come from various parts of the country and from special sections of the society. Reliable sources confirm to Faking News that major consumers of sleeping pills this week have been Indian politicians, businessmen, sportspersons, and entertainment professionals.

Indian politicians and businessmen especially demanded a sleeping pill called Unisom (inset picture). The demand came mainly from Tamilnadu Chief Minister Mr. M Karunanidhi who had tough times sleeping as he kept on thinking about Lankan Tamils. Unisom manufacturers were surprised as the Chief Minister had never ordered the pills before even when he was thinking about Indian Tamils on Ram Sethu issue. Mr. Karunanidhi had ordered pills for his whole party including Members of Parliament.

Apart from Karunanidhi, the Chief Ministers of states going to polls in coming month have also ordered sleeping pills for themselves and their party members. All these pills belong to the same brand – Unisom. Opposition leader and BJP prime ministerial candidate L K Advani is also understood to have asked for these sleeping pills as he had tough time imagining Hindus being killed in Assam and Orissa.

Among other politicians who ordered Unisom pills were Mr. Amar Singh and Ms. Mamta Banerjee, who couldn’t sleep together due to deepening and genuine worries on genuineness of Jamia Nagar Encounter. Faking News has learnt that these leaders have asked every resident of Jamia Nagar to take these pills to feel safe and secure till general elections.

Demand for Unisom also came from Jet Airways Chairman Naresh Goyal who could not sleep for two days after more than a thousand employees of Jet Airways were thrown out of job without informing him. Mr. Goyal also gifted some of these pills to Mr. Vijay Mallya, Chiarman of Kingfisher Airlines, but apparently Mr. Mallya has not consumed them yet.

Sleeping pills of brands other than Unisom were bought by the employees who were laid-off by Jet Airways. These employees had lost their sleep as various politicians had promised them to help them out of the ordeal. Many employees currently employed with other airlines or with investment banks also ordered sleeping pills according to sources.

Other brands of sleeping pills were probably ordered by Indian batsman Sachin Tendulkar as he candidly admitted that it was a little difficult to sleep as he was constantly being reminded of Lara’s record by people. Apparently, Lara and his family too had ordered some sleeping pills but the news is not confirmed. Faking News doesn’t believe in giving you unconfirmed news reports.

Harbhajan Singh too had ordered some sleeping pills after he received a court notice for his Raavan-dance act. The producers, directors and other entertainment professionals attached with the television show in which Bhajji danced had also taken sleeping pills and caused the pharmaceutical industry to book profits.

Pharmaceutical industry analysts and managers are upbeat about the whole situation and they believe that with proper branding and marketing, they can achieve even higher sales and profits as almost everyone in this country needs sleeping pills in present socio-politico-economic scenario.

It seems we will soon see stylishly branded and flavoured sleeping pills in the market. One for each one of us.

Lalu breaks Lara’s record

Patna. While whole of India was rejoicing upon Sachin Tendulkar becoming the highest test runs scorer on Friday, the celebrations were cut short late in the night when a press release issued by RJD (Rashtriya Janta Dal) claimed that their chief Lalu Yadav had broken Lara’s record a few minutes before Tendulkar did so. The release claimed that Tendulkar will have to score another 1000 odd runs to beat Lalu Yadav to become the leading test runs scorer.

According to the press release, Lalu Yadav has documents to prove that he has a little over 13000 test runs to his name. Apparently these test runs have been transferred to him by former Indian captains Mohammad Azharuddin and Sourav Ganguly. Ganguly signed the documents of transfer of runs during the tea break of first day of Mohali test match between India and Australia, after which Tendulkar went past 15 runs thinking he had broken Lara’s record.

“Technically Sri Lalu Prasad Yadav ji had completed over 13000 test runs just as Sri Sourav Ganguly ji signed on the documents transferring his test runs to Sri Lalu Prasad Yadav ji, which means Sri Lalu Prasad Yadav ji had become the highest test run scorer before Sachin Tendulkar crossed Brian Lara’s record. Tendulkar will need to go past Sri Lalu Prasad yadav ji’s tally of test runs to become the highest test run scorer.” press release said.

This statement and claim has created a storm in sporting and political circles of India. Former cricketers like Sunil Gavaskar and Nawab Pataudi have expressed shock over the development and have urged BCCI to look into the matter urgently. But BCCI officials are tight lipped over the whole issue as Lalu Yadav is also the chief of Bihar Cricket Association (BCA), an affiliate of BCCI. Most of the current cricketers, including Tendulkar himself, declined to comment on the development.

However political circles generated much more heat and debate. BJP MP and former cricketer Navjot Singh Siddhu castigated Azharuddin and Gaguly to have stooped to such low levels just to harass Tendulkar. He said that deals between these two and Lalu must be disallowed by ICC and Lalu Yadav’s test runs should be wiped off the records for good.

“A chilli and an apple can’t be mixed to create a banana. Cricketing standards are falling like Niagara Falls over Charminar in the Bay of Bengal. There is something fishy, and I’d rather be a fishing rod than a merchant ship. Let’s not be a mute spectator and a deaf audience. A high level enquiry should trap the erring parties.” Siddhu explained.

BJP, while agreeing with Siddhu, further suspects that this deal with formers cricketers has been done in lieu of jobs with railways. BJP claims that post retirement Ganguly would be made the general manager of Eastern Railway and Azharuddin would soon become the general manager of Southern Railway. BJP is calling it ‘jobs for runs’ scam.

MNS chief Raj Thackeray called it an attempt to hurt Marathi pride by denying Sachin Tendulkar, a Marathi cricketer, a place in record books. Raj told Faking News that Bhaiyyas are jealous of a Marathi progressing to be on the top of the world and hence they are adopting corrupt practices to belittle a Marathi feat. He also challenged Lalu Yadav to score more than a duck in Wankhede Stadium.

When Faking News contacted Lalu Yadav, he vehemently denied the charges of ‘jobs for runs’ and accused BJP of being a communal party on a mission to defame a Muslim cricketer i.e. Azharuddin. Commenting on the views expressed by former cricketers, Lalu told that these players needed more maturity to understand higher issues and would rather not comment on their views. Lastly, he claimed that he will hit a century in Wankhede Stadium next year if Bal Thackeray was to bowl.

“Raj is a bachcha (kid). I don’t care what he says. He was running between toilets for nappies when I was running between wickets for runs. I don’t compete with such small people. Let Bal Thackeray challenge me on the ground and I’ll hit a century.” Lalu Yadav, the highest test cricket runs scorer(?), expressed confidence of his abilities.

Well, it seems that before ICC clears the confusion and comes out with the fact of the matter, for the time being we will have to consider Lalu Yadav as the leading test runs scorer. Well played Laluji!

Himesh asks for ‘right to entertain’

Mumbai. Undeterred by criticism of his singing style and acting abilities, controversial Bollywood actor, singer, composer, and style guru Himesh Reshammiya announced launch of a civil campaign to bring about a constitutional change to append and accept ‘right to entertain’ as a fundamental right. HR, as he is lovingly addressed as, claims that whatever he is doing is influenced by his staunch belief in right to entertain.

“People who do not like my singing or acting have no rights to ask me to stop singing or acting. I believe it is my fundamental right to entertain people, and I’ll continue doing it. I guess time has come when our constitution is amended to accommodate right to entertain. There could be thousands of Himesh Reshammiyas waiting to entertain people to no end.” HR told Faking News.

When asked whether ‘right to entertain’ is in harmony with the overall spirit of Indian constitution, HR replied, ‘of course’.

“People have a right to entertain their religious and political beliefs. Politicians have a right to entertain weird demands of their voters. Bureaucrats have a right to entertain fancies of their ministers. In fact, nowadays it seems terrorists have a right to entertain their bosses. When our constitution has either granted some of these rights or has no objection to them being followed, why should it not openly declare it as a fundamental right?” HR explained his belief.

HR declared that he will soon embark upon a Rath Yatra, touring whole of India with his entertainment troupe, to whip up civil support for his beliefs. He denied that he had any intentions of joining politics, saying this was a case of civil liberties and human rights, not petty politics.

Journalists oppose support to expelled Jet employees

New Delhi. When most of the news channels thought they were practicing meaningful journalism by raising the issue of lay-offs of employees by Jet Airways, they were shockingly taken aback when a section of journalists accused them of indulging in biased journalism. These journalists, belonging to Dalit Patrakar Sangh (DPS), have accused the mainline journalists of nursing bias in favor of upper castes when raising issues of social concern.

“Why are they getting so upset when Jet is firing employees? Did they get upset when farmers were committing suicides in different part of the country? It’s only because most of the farmers are dalits while these expelled employees are from upper castes.” Udit Krishna, President of DPS claimed.

When Faking News asked DPS to provide statistical proof of their claims, the organization refused to do so and accused our team of having a bias against dalits as well. When our reporter apologized to have hurt their sentiments, Mr. Udit Krishna forgave us and explained the basis of his claim.

“You can very well see that those expelled employees were so well dressed and spoke good English, they clearly belonged to upper castes. And how can you expect private companies like Jet to recruit dalits without being forced through reservations? It is self evident, no statistical proof is necessary” Mr. Udit Krishna opined.

DPS members claimed that it’s not the first time that Indian media has done so. They always raise issues of concerns to upper castes, be it murder of an upper caste girl or admission to top educational institutes. DPS has threatened to launch an agitation against television channels unless they got back to ‘normal’ journalism and dropped this ‘partisan’ journalism.

Views of DPS has been backed by dalit thinkers like Kancha Ilaiah who welcomed this ‘awakening’ among dalit journalists and exhorted dalits in all sections of society to see through evil designs of upper castes. Ilaiah especially asked DPS members to highlight news and events where dalit students have been allotted lesser marks in examinations and asked to leave educational institutions, as happened with IIT Delhi recently.

Most of television journalists were shocked by the developments and the reactions ranged from dismay to outrage. None of the journalists were willing to comment on record for fear of being branded anti-dalit. One of the chief editors of a television channel, on conditions of anonymity, told Faking News that such statements are tantamount to goondaism.

“This is a result of casteist mindset and narrow outlook. These guys surely have ulterior political agenda. People like Kancha Ilaiah are not even dalit. This is sickening. Tomorrow if a dalit will fall on road after stepping on a banana peel, they will suspect some upper caste person had thrown that peel. In fact, they will declare the banana as a Brahmin!” the chief editor expressed his anguish.

Meanwhile expelled employees of Jet Airways are completely confused by the new development. Some of them saw it as an attempt by Jet Airways management to divert attention and botch their protest. They appealed to media and leaders not to divide them on basis of caste or other considerations.

Pakistan accepts terrorism charges

Karachi, Pakistan. After denouncing terrorism and terrorist activities on foreign souls, Pakistan has taken an about turn and has confirmed that it did send terrorists across the border, mainly in India. While it came as a shocking development in the international circles, what was more surprising and intriguing was the contention put forward by Pakistan that terrorism was a Giffen Good.

In an official statement released, Pakistan has argued that demand for terrorism in a country increases due to various factors of domestic politics. This demand comes from some particular sections of the society who feel insecure and threatened due to various reasons. The statement further argues that demand for terrorism also comes from the state itself, as it helps the state put together its citizens or huddle the bewildered herd.

“We were not injecting terrorism anywhere in the world outside our borders. We were just supplying what was being demanded. There was a market opportunity and we were plain prudent to cash upon it.” Shaukat Tareen, the prime minister's adviser on finance told Faking News.

While the move by Pakistan confounded international relations experts and economists, Faking News Intelligence Group (FNIG) could see through the Pakistani strategy behind the move. FNIG believes that this move is aimed at avoiding threats bankruptcy that faces Pakistan.

Battling with serious crisis in Balance of Payments, Pakistan has been on a mission to get some international cash inflow mainly through unilateral transfers from abroad (such as foreign aid, grants, gifts, remittances from Pakistanis living abroad, etc), but sources say that Pakistan had been facing serious trouble as many countries or international agencies refused to extend further help and most of the Pakistanis abroad had got nothing to send back home due to recession.

In such a situation, Pakistan needed new source of international income, which could come through either export of goods or foreign investment. Since foreign investment was almost ruled out due to curse of terrorist activities, Pakistani officials thought of a way to convert this curse into kismet.

FNIG believes that by terming terrorism as Giffen Good and its support to terrorism as ‘supply’ of terrorism, Pakistan is preparing ground for sending bills/invoices to countries like India where it has supported terrorism in a considerable way. Furthermore, since terrorism has been on rise in recent times, Pakistan will define this phenomenon as a rise in ‘demand’ for terrorism. The masterstroke of Pakistan will come in shape of an argument that the actual reason for rise in demand was sharp raise in price of terrorism, determined by Pakistan itself, because terrorism was a Giffen Good. This will help Pakistan realize increased income from exports and ward off threats of bankruptcy due to Balance of Payments crisis.

It will be interesting to see how effectively this step helps Pakistan in these troubled times. It will be further interesting to see how terrorism is valued in terms of money. Faking News invites its readers to comment and suggest possible ways and parameters of valuation of terrorism.

Monkeyman to fight Delhi Assembly Elections

New Delhi. After Election Commission of India announced the dates for assembly elections in five states on Tuesday, political atmosphere got charged up in the whole country. The atmosphere got further charged up when Faking News headquarters was visited by an aspiring leader. Surprise surpise! He was not any cricketer or actor or businessman, he was the one and the only Monkeyman!

Yes, the same Monkeyman who had gone into hibernation after making (faking?) news around seven years back, when most areas of Delhi reported alleged attacks on common man by him. He is back, and he says he will fight assembly elections of Delhi, scheduled to be held on November 29.

Our newsroom was full of excitement to see Monkeyman. He clearly had grown old and his face had wrinkles. But he didn’t seem to have lost any steam. Following are the main excerpts from of the EXCLUSIVE interview Mr. Monkeyman gave to Faking News:

Faking News (FN): Monkeyman ji, thank you very much for talking exclusively to us. But tell us, why did you choose Faking News to announce your decision to contest Delhi assembly elections?

Monkeyman (MM): I believe that Faking News, unlike other news sources, will not put any spin on my decision and won’t mix their own opinion with whatever I say, so I straightway came to your office as soon as I decided to fight elections. Also, I don’t think such an important news about me would be lost among fake news of farmer suicides or other news no one in India wants to read.

FN: Great! First tell us where were you for the last seven years, and why have u suddenly decided to fight elections?

MM: I had gone to Tibet. Those Seven Years In Tibet left a great impact on me when I saw people suffering under an autocratic rule. I had always wanted to raise my voice against such injustices, but Chinese authorities didn’t allow me to fight elections. They firmly believed that elections were ‘held’ and wars were ‘fought’. But since my interest was in ‘fighting’ elections, I came back to India.

FN: But you are accused of criminal activities and you also left the country without informing the authorities. You are a fugitive. To add to that, you are just half-human. Do you think you would be allowed to fight elections?

MM: My advocate Krishna Jethmalani will give you an appropriate reply. But I am surprised that you asked me such a question. I was watching TV in Tibet some weeks back and I saw criminals coming to vote on a confidence motion in the national parliament. Whereas I’m just an accused, nothing has been proved against me.

FN: Why should people of Delhi, who were terrorized by you, vote for you?

MM: Pick your words carefully. Do you mean to say I’m a terrorist? If you think I’m just half-human, then surely I can never be a full-terrorist. And do you even know what happened seven years back? I had started patrolling on the streets of Delhi to hunt for criminals and anti-social men to beat them up. Unfortunately since I don’t look good, people mistook me for some bad guy and got panicky. Those anti-social men saw an opportunity to defame me and started attacking common people wearing monkey masks and dresses.

FN: You mean to say you never attacked any Delhi resident? And sketches released by Police were not yours?

MM: Initially I had attacked some anti-social elements trying to rob people in night or to molest working women returning home late night; these attacks by me were never reported by media. All the media reported attacks on common people were not done by me but by those anti-social men whom I tried to attack. You can remember that police had released two sketches. How can I be 4’6” and 5’6” tall at the same time? Clearly they were different people wearing monkey masks to defame me. And why on earth will I wear a helmet? That helmet guy, who wore a monkey mask to defame me, was part of the bikers’ gang, which the Delhi police had recently claimed to have busted.

FN: Why should we believe you?

MM: If you can believe in aliens and witches, you can as well believe me. Hasn’t Delhi seen a rise in crime rate in recent year, especially in the night, since I was forced to leave this country? Even if you go by police complaints against me which have not been proved by the way, tell me how many people I have knocked down while driving? How many working women I have molested or killed? How many bikes have I snatched? How many senior citizens have I murdered? How many bombs blasts I engineered? Do you get my point?

FN: Yeah, sure. You want to be considered innocent till proven guilty. But normally that doesn’t happen when police department is against you, and you could be a Muslim, Hindu, Man or Monkey. I think you should also get my point.

MM: Yeah, I do understand. But I expect true mediapersons like you to raise voice. It’s not about me being a Muslim, Hindu, Man or Monkey. If Police is trying to cover up their incompetence by nailing me to the wall, you have to ask questions to them and to the state, not to save me but to save sanity. I expect Faking News to do that. And I have full faith in Indian judicial system. It takes too much time but I guess I’ll get justice.

FN: All the best for that. Now tell us which political party would you represent in coming elections?

MM: None. Although it’s just BJP vs Congress here in Delhi, I’ll go with neither as I consider both of them as my enemies. BJP had tried to contact me and offered to project me as Hanuman bhakt, but I have seen what they have done with Ram bhakts, I don’t trust them. Congress has not contacted me yet, not even with any offer of money, and I’m happy about that. I will fight as an independent candidate and am confident of winning.

FN: Which segment of the society would you target as your primary voters? Who would form the cadre of your support base?

MM: See, fortunately I don’t belong to any religion or caste, and hence I’m happy that the option of forming a cadre doesn’t even exist for me. And what do you mean by this cadre and primary voters? Is it a collaboration to serve people or competition to sell soaps, where you identify your primary target audiences? This is not my idea of fighting elections.

FN: What changes would you bring about in Delhi if you win?

MM: I hope to kick out all anti-social elements out of Delhi again through special patrolling in night. I’ll employ a special cell of Delhi police to finish the task I couldn’t even begin properly seven years back. Through my good work, I want to win hearts of common man and show them that if someone, who is ugly and not even considered a full human being, can act in a selfless manner, why should human looking politicians of India not do the same.

Faking News: Monkeyman ji, thanks for talking to Faking News, we wish you all the best.

Monkeyman: My pleasure.

Why Tendulkar could not break Lara’s record

Bengaluru. While all the Indian cricket fans wondered why Sachin Tendulkar could not break Brian Lara’s record of maximum test runs in Bangalore/Bengaluru test, Faking News decided to undertake some serious analysis of the situation before any Indian news channel could do the same. Here is our exclusive report on why Sachin Tendulkar could not break Brian Lara’s record.

Our editorial team found out that Tendulkar was wearing a shirt which had 187 written under BCCI logo on the left side (if you get confused between left and right sides of a picture, we have drawn a red circle for your convenience. Wait, do you get confused between different geometric shapes as well?). Our editorial team found out that 187 was the numeric code for the crime of murder in the U.S. state of California. Clearly, that proved to be fatal for Tendulkar.

Our team also called up a world renowned numerologist Mr. Dus Numbari, who informed us, after three hours of intense analysis, that digits of 187 added up to 16. Since Tendulkar is a special person, he has the power of putting a square on any number, hence 16 becomes 16x16 i.e. 256. Now sum of digits of 256 add to 13 (2+5+6 = 13). Whoa! Such an unlucky number! No wonder Tendulkar had to get out at 49 (again the digits add up to 13!) wearing such an unlucky shirt.

But it is not just bad numbers that has caused Tendulkar to miss the opportunity to break the record. Our sports team, in joint analysis with our science team, found out that Tendulkar carries the bat in a flawed style. As shown in the figure with yellow arrows, the style causes him to put extra pressure on his elbow, already weakened due to tennis elbow. If we apply the principle of leverage, we find that Tendulkar ends up exerting double the amount of pressure on his elbow as is exerted by the weight of his bat. Little Master will have to correct his style if he wants to break Lara’s record.

But apart from his bad numbers and bad style, Tendulkar’s stars were also against him and in fact, had he looked at his Kundli before going to the match, he would have known the result. Faking News contacted world-renowned astrologer and soothsayer Shri Shri 420 Khopadi Baba, who explained to us the bad effect of stars and planets on Tendulkar’s performance.

One can clearly see that Surya is in fifth house and Chandrama is in tenth house of Tendulkar’s Kundli. Khopadi Baba explained that Surya represents Sunday and Chandrama represents Monday – the two days when Tendulkar batted in his second innings. The sum of house numbers of these planets is ten plus five i.e. fifteen, which is exactly the number of runs Tendulkar fell short of while looking to break Brian Lara’s record!

Khopadi Baba feels that Tendulkar should not have gone on to bat on Sunday and instead Ganguly should have been promoted to come up the batting order. This would have meant that Tendulkar would have been left with the challenge to ward off Chandrama only. He would have easily warded off Chandrama as its house number is ten, and Tendulkar is lucky with number ten.

Faking News strongly believes that had Tendulkar or team management consulted Khopadi Baba or some good astrologer before getting on to the field, he might have been spared of these ill effects and Indian fans would have got to see their cricketing god scaling new heights on Monday.

We hope our little master and team management show concern and respect to the feelings of Faking News and its readers and don’t repeat the same mistakes in the next test match. Amen.

Ekta Kapoor to make serial on saas-bahu live-in

Mumbai. Taking a cue from Maharashtra Government decision to bring live-in relationships under legal framework, producer Ekta Kapoor has decided to make a television serial on live-in relationships. Interestingly she has introduced a saas-bahu angle in the story that explores a new dimension of the whole issue of live-in relationships.

Talking to mediapersons in the conference room of Balaji Telefilms, Ekta told that the serial will start with the love story of a guy called Karthik who is madly in love with Kusum. Karthik has been living with his mother Kruti in a two bedroom flat in Kolkata when he and Kusum decide to get into a live-in relationship. Just as Kusum moves in Karthik’s home, Karthik gets a job with Lehman Brothers and had to go to USA, leaving Kusum and Kruti in a situation that can be called as saas-bahu live-in.

The situation worsens when Karthik commits suicide in USA after Lehman Brothers goes bankrupt. Differences and distances between Kusum and Kruti start growing wider after this and the story revolves around these two women from that moment on. Ekta Kapoor didn’t provide further information on how the story shapes up after Karthik’s death.

“The serial will show the complexities that a saas-bahu live-in relationship throws up. Property rights, emotional issues, social concerns, the serial will document all. I believe the law makers would be helped immensely if they watch the serial, and they will make provisions for a saas-bahu live-in in the current law.” Ekta Kapoor hoped.

Speculations were high that Shahrukh Khan could play the role of Karthik to promote the serial. As Karthik dies early in the story, Ekta would not need to pay heavy sum to Shahrukh but it will promote the serial to no end. Although Ekta didn’t talk about this possibility, but Balaji Telefilms was agog with such rumors.

Ekta told that the new serial would soon be under production and ready to be aired next month. She informed that Balaji Telefilms was in talks with various television channels that have shown interest in airing the new serial, the name of which is yet to be finalized. She refused to comment if the name would start with the letter ‘k’.

Whether Shahrukh or no Shahrukh, housewives of India will surely enjoy this new soap that talks about live-in relationship between a saas and bahu.

Of Live-in wives, Rakhi-sisters, and Babysitting-mothers

New Delhi. National Commission for Women (NCW) has welcomed Maharashtra Government decision to confer legal rights of a wife to a woman who has been in a live-in relationship for a considerable amount of time. NCW says that the step in the right direction and central government should make it a national law. Commission further demanded that rakhi-sisters and babysitting-mothers should also be conferred legal rights of a sister and mother respectively.

“Men have been using women without being responsible towards them for a long time now. Such laws will put a fetter around such wild men. Live-in relationships are just the beginning. We will make sure that men are tamed and civilized through similar laws extending to other relationships.” NCW spokesperson Anekta Kapoor told Faking News.

Ms. Kapoor pointed out that many Indian men, especially Hindus, have rakhi-sisters, who even play the role of own-sisters in religious and social ceremonies but are given nothing in return. In fact the rakhi rupees given to them are also too less. She termed this practice as exploitation of women.

Ms. Kapoor suggested that girls, who would tie rakhi on the wrists of men other than their brothers for a considerable amount of time, should be given the legal status of a sister where she can claim share in property or a regular income for survival from their cash-rich rakhi-families.

Similarly the rights of babysitting-mothers have to be protected. According to Ms. Kapoor, men force their wives to work for money and instead employ babysitters to take care of new born babies. Many of such babysitters even breastfeed the babies, Ms. Kapoor informed. She told that such babysitting-mothers should get equal rights as mothers as they are the one who have actually discharged the duties of a nursing and doting mother.

NCW has decided to push for these recommendations and turn them into national laws to protect interests of women in the country.

Although there is no national commission of men or any organization talking about men’s rights, Faking News tried to get the male opinion on the whole issue. Most of the men were surprised that government was conferring the legal rights of a spouse to only the woman in case of a live-in relationship. Why the man in such a relationship should not be given the rights of a husband after considerable time has passed, men wondered.

There were mixed reactions among the men to NCW’s suggestion of conferring legal rights to rakhi-sisters and babysitting-mothers. Some welcomed the step while others termed it laughable.

“I have suffered heavily due to this reckless practice of making rakhi-sisters, which is actually encouraged and forced upon by parents. There were so many beautiful girls in my colony, but my parents asked them to call me bhaiya or asked me to call them didi, and I ended up making them rakhi-sisters. When I grew up I knew it was such a tragedy. Now parents will think twice before doing so as they would know that they might end up giving their property to rakhi-daughters, and no one like me will suffer in future.” Mukesh Yogi, a software engineer confided to Faking News.

Clearly the decision of Maharashtra Government has opened a can of worms, and in coming days we could see new definitions of relationships and legal rights in India.

Maruti to sue Tata

Mumbai. Continuing with the trend of last few days when someone or the other has been sending legal notices, small car manufacturers Maruti Suzuki has decided to sue Tata Group for issuing defamatory statements. Maruti claims that Chairman of Tata Group Ratan Naval Tata called Maruti a ‘bad’ car.

Maruti officials claim that the statement of Ratan Tata that there is a bad 'M' and a good 'M' was actually targeted against Maruti and was misinterpreted as Mamta Banerjee by Indian journalists, who have nothing but politics on their mind all the time.

“That particular statement by Ratan Tata is actually an advertising tagline, which will be used aggressively against Maruti after Nano rolls out in the market. We are pre-empting any such evil campaign and would request courts not to allow this.” Maruti marketing head Mr. Buddhadeb Banerjee told Faking News.

Mr. Banerjee told that Ratan Tata had earlier alluded to Maruti’s hand in Singur crisis and since then they have been scrutinizing each of his statement to find out any nasty reference to Maruti. And when Ratan Tata issued the aforementioned statement in Ahmedabad, Maruti could see his evil designs.

Tata Group officials refused to respond to this development and told that they would wait for any legal notice before commenting or taking any action. They denied that Ratan Tata was launching any anti-Maruti advertising campaign through his ‘bad M’ statement.

Industry sources say that this signals fierce competition for small car market between Tata and Maruti, which would ultimately end up benefitting common man, the ‘good M’.