No obscenity, striptease at Sourav’s followed Ganguly’s heroics

Kolkata. Managers of Sourav’s, the restaurant owned by former Indian cricket team captain Sourav Ganguly, have rejected the claims of a local television channel that the restaurant hosted exotic dancers and was engaged in flesh trade. Sourav’s had come under scanner after a Bengali television channel carried out a sting operation showing blurry visuals of dancers, who were apparently taking off their clothes in a vulgar manner while negotiating with ‘customers’.

“This is absurd and there clearly is a conspiracy behind it. We do have dancers performing at our restaurant during weekends. But they don’t indulge in striptease or pole dancing. They just take off their shirts like dada had done at Lord’s. We want our customers to never forget dada’s heroics and golden moments. How can it be deemed as obscene when the whole world had watched it several times?” restaurant manager wondered.

Ganguly’s supporters also think that the sting operation was carried out to malign their dada. They have demanded a CBI enquiry into the whole episode.

“The TV channel is being funded by foreigners. Either Buchanan or Chappell is behind this. These guys are just plain jealous and terrified with dada’s magic. Put them in jail!” a dada supporter demanded.

Sourav Ganguly couldn’t be contacted for comments. BCCI declined to comment saying that since the incident didn’t happen on any of the BCCI owned restaurants, their hands were clean. When contacted by Faking News, Shahrukh Khan denied that the incident could negatively impact Sourav Ganguly’s chances to play for his IPL team next year but he expressed interest in hiring the restaurant dancers as cheerleaders for the next season of IPL.

Government launches mid-day snooze scheme for public offices

New Delhi. Encouraged by the reported success of mid-day meal scheme in schools towards improving education among underprivileged students, government has decided to implement mid-day snooze scheme in public offices that is aimed at improving productivity among underperforming public servants. The scheme will officially empower public servants with a right to sleep in their offices for at least one hour each day.

Although the practice of taking a mid-day snooze in offices has been rampant for various years now, the government believes that legalizing the slumber in offices will improve the morale and dignity of its employees, apart from productivity. If the results of the scheme are found favorable, the scheme would be turned into a law enabling every employee, either in public or private sector, to rightfully sleep during office hours.

“We had been facing a lot of complaints about public servants sleeping in offices. Our officials confessed that work made them comatose, which left us only with two options – either to let them not work or to let them sleep. We chose the first solution and instructed our officials to ignore work, but there was huge public hue and cry over it, so now we are left with no other option.” a labor ministry communiqué said.

The ministry also believes that the hitherto sleeping in the public offices filled the government employees with a sense of guilt, for sleeping was not officially sanctioned, but with the mid-day snooze scheme coming into effect, the officials will no longer feel guilty and thus it would do wonders to their morale and self-respect. But not many agree with this logic.

“This is bullshit! These guys have always slept as if it was their birthright to do so. Where was the guilt? I surely couldn’t sense any. In fact we were made to feel guilty because we disturbed their sleep! I don’t think this scheme makes any sense, but yeah, maybe they should enforce this in the private sector as employers there don’t allow us poor employees to sleep even during the night.” Vijay Faryal, a sales executive working with a shampoo company opined.

Faryal was joined by many other citizens who also thought that government decision was ‘misplaced’. Some sociologists too criticized the government for entertaining and yielding to basic instincts of common citizens for encouraging activities like professional work and education.

“Mid-day meal scheme itself was flawed. Schools became appealing to the stomach instead of one’s brains. Now we have mid-day snooze scheme for employees. What next? Mid-night sex scheme to improve adult education?” British Kandy, a popular sociologist wondered.

Anil Ambani removes brother Mukesh from facebook friends list

Mumbai. In a shocking development that could push the Sensex down by 213 points and push oil prices up by 2.13 rupees per liter, ADAG Chairman Anil Ambani removed his elder brother and Chief of RIL Mukesh Ambani from his facebook friends list. This act of showing public displeasure with his brother comes close after Anil had accused Mukesh of indulging in ‘dishonorable conduct’ during the annual general meeting of RNRL yesterday.

A press release issued by ADAG for this purpose claimed that Anil was mighty ‘pissed off’ with the facebook activities of Mukesh during the past few weeks. Mukesh had apparently voted down Anil in the ‘nicest person contest’ and ignored his requests to become a fan of ADAG pages. The release also claimed that Mukesh had tagged Anil as an unidentified ‘waiter’ in pictures showing Mukesh and Petroleum Minister Murli Deora having dinner together in a restaurant.

“Honorable Mr. Anil Ambani was very disappointed by such activities and he got shock of his life when Mukesh invited him to play Mafia Wars and Monopoly on facebook. Our group is a law respecting organization and such proposals were clearly a repulsive dig at our ethical standards. Following this, Honorable Mr. Anil Ambani decided to remove Mukesh from his friends list.” the press release elaborated.

Sources at ADAG further informed that removal from friends list was just a warning and if Mukesh did not mend his ways, Anil could as well remove him from orkut list and stop following him on twitter. Sources did not rule out the possibility of Anil removing Murli Deora from his list as well.

The spat between the brothers has worried market watches who feel that the development could seriously impinge India’s assumed recovery from the economic slowdown. Experts are divided over the culpability of either of the brothers on the issue but want the government to intervene and broker peace between them.

Sources in the government refused to comment on the issue because of the subject being sub-judice, but Petroleum Minister did react by writing “best of luck” on the facebook wall of Anil Ambani. Anil had not replied to the comment till reports last came in.

Reality show winner wants government to respect privacy

Mumbai. Harishchandra Sachbola, the man who shot to fame by becoming the first person to win one crore rupees in the reality show “Sach Ka Saamna”, believes that government must not snoop into the private lives of the citizens of India under the pretext of matters of national concern and security. Sachbola was addressing media persons after having won the reality show.

“It’s absolutely disgusting to see government agencies tapping your phones or reading your mails in the name of national security and legal inquiry. Why are they so interested in my personal life? How does it matter to the nation what kind of relationships I have with my friends and relatives? The state can’t be allowed to do such things and I urge all progressive persons to unite against this state sponsored voyeurism.” Sachbola appealed.

Harishchandra Sachbola, who works as a marketing manager in an MNC in Delhi, claimed that he had always suspected government intentions and had taken part in various online campaigns to protect individual privacy. Sachbola gave out URLs of thirteen of his blogs which he thought media persons would be interested in reporting about. Some of the blogs had sensational stories of Sachbola’s past affairs apart from his views on human, animal and gay rights.

Earlier Harishchandra Sachbola ‘correctly’ answered all the twenty one questions related to his private, social and professional life to win the reality show. In course of answering the questions, he accepted that his son sucked like a leech and that he covetously wished he had slept with the hot wife of his best friend. He also thought that his dad took premature retirement to free ride on his money.

Sachbola’s family members, who were present during the reality show and cried at regular intervals, expressed happiness over his victory. They thought that Sachbola was an obsessive compulsive truth speaker and seeker, and his sentiments should be respected by everyone. Sachbola himself agreed that he liked speaking the 'truth'.

“I enjoyed answering all questions. I’m an independent man and I don’t care what the society thinks about me. At least I have the guts to speak the truth that other people simply avoid. They didn’t ask else I wanted to tell the truth about Brahmins and Muslims. Man, they suck!” Sachbola expressed the desire to speak more truths.

He also declared that he would use the prize money to help treat people who were pathological liars and didn’t tell their wives about the porn-stars they fantasized while having sex with them. He appealed to the television channel broadcasting the show to help him find a partner hospital that could sponsor his therapeutic campaign for the betterment of the society.

MPs express concern over pigeons making love in public

New Delhi. Parliament proceedings were disrupted for more than three hours after some members accused the government of not doing enough to control shameless pigeons making love in public places at various places in India. These members suggested that such immoral and irresponsible behavior by the pigeons caused embarrassment to the Indian families and had the potential to defile the minds of young children. Members wanted a law to rein in the offensive birds by regulating their aberrant activities.

“I can’t understand what good these obnoxious birds do to humankind? They eat food grains and poop everywhere, even on our heads. These crooks simply don’t care how their actions can affect us. Can you even imagine how disgusting it is when your three year old kid points to love-making pigeons and asks you what are those birds doing? Is this the way we want our kids to grow and learn?” Kaboot Aryan, a member of parliament argued angrily.

Mr. Aryan further argued that tolerance towards such behavior by pigeons has sent wrong signals abroad about accepted social norms in the Indian culture. He claimed that Hollywood star Richard Gere must had seen pigeons kissing each other openly and would have thought pubic kissing to be acceptable in India, following which he went on to kiss Indian actress Shilpa Shetty in a pigeon style.

“Thank god he just saw the pigeons, or god knows what would have happened!” Mr. Aryan lamented, drawing ‘shame shame’ calls from other members of parliament.

Following the pandemonium, the government assured the members that it will look into the matter seriously and find out ways to discipline the pigeons and educate them about Indian culture. In all probabilities, resident groups of pigeons could be sent show-cause notices by the government, along with a statutory warning.

While the decision of the government has come under sharp criticism from some pro-pigeon groups in media, many people welcomed the decision of the government terming it as a ‘relief’.

“I have been sick of these ubiquitous and iniquitous birds. They had once pooped into my cheese pizza and I couldn’t even distinguish that shit from cheese. My friends made life hell for me after that, I’m still the laughing stock of my college. These birds have no sense or sensibility, they deserve to be punished.” said a college student, though he couldn’t recall having been distracted or disgusted by love making of pigeons.

Most of the people welcoming the government decision had problems with pigeon poops, even though a majority of them thought that pigeon mating was ‘cool’. But they agreed that young Indian children could have adverse impacts on their emotions if they saw pigeons mating in public.

“They make eggs, what else?” said three year old Aryan when Faking News correspondent asked if he knew what pigeons did by climbing over each other.