Private Air Hostesses tie Rakhi to passengers to collect funds

Mumbai. Male passengers traveling by private airlines in India got the shock of their life today when they were tied rakhi on their wrists by beautiful air hostesses in sexy costumes. Such incidents were reported on all the domestic routes where private airlines operated, cutting across air carriers owned by different corporate groups. Today is Raksha Bandhan festival and private airlines used this innovative method to protest against lack of funds.

“It was so shocking. I was sitting in the front row and was happy that I will be able to see the beautiful chick closely all through my journey. I got so excited when that sexy lady came close to me and bowed down to offer me sweets. Then to my horror, she took out a rakhi and tied it on my wrist and asked for money as a return gift. I was shell shocked to react and took out my wallet like a zombie and handed out 5000 rupees.” Manish, a passenger flying from Delhi to Mumbai told.

All the male passengers had similar experiences to share and they demanded an explanation from the private airlines. When contacted by Faking News, the top management of all the major private air carriers conceded that the air hostesses were following directives issued by the companies. They justified their conduct by claiming it to be a democratic and decent method of protest.

“When we announced a general strike, a huge hue and cry was raised by the government and media. Under public pressure we had to call off the strike, but that doesn’t mean our grievances have been sorted out. The problems remain there and we continue to bleed. We had to find a mean to protest and we thought that asking for money after tying rakhi would send across the message strongly that the sector badly needs public funds.” Vijay Mallya, owner of Kingfisher Airlines told Faking News.

The airlines refused to divulge how much funds were collected through the rakhi tying drive. Sector experts believe that the drive, whenever it ends, could indeed amass funds that could prove very helpful to the industry, but the experts cautioned against a possible public backlash.

“One of the main reasons why a typical Indian male doesn’t travel by Indian Airlines is because their air hostesses appear aunties to them. This rakhi tying drive could turn the private airlines hostesses into behenjis for such males and it could impinge their decision to travel again by the same carrier. So while this drive may have sent across the bailout message loud and clear for now, it could prove detrimental in the long run.” Hawaijeet, an airlines analyst opined.

Officials in the Civil Aviation ministry too expressed surprise over the decision of the private airlines but they ruled out any punitive actions against the private carriers as prima facie the decision appeared legal to them. But the private airlines might face some serious trouble from the Income Tax department.

“We have to see under what category such earnings would fall. These earnings can’t be recognized as charity or donations as they surely were not voluntary. The airlines should have handed out receipts to the passengers who gave out rakhi money to the air hostesses. There are many more aspects that need to be investigated and we would soon start the inquiry.” an Income Tax official told Faking News.

Anil Ambani removes brother Mukesh from facebook friends list

Mumbai. In a shocking development that could push the Sensex down by 213 points and push oil prices up by 2.13 rupees per liter, ADAG Chairman Anil Ambani removed his elder brother and Chief of RIL Mukesh Ambani from his facebook friends list. This act of showing public displeasure with his brother comes close after Anil had accused Mukesh of indulging in ‘dishonorable conduct’ during the annual general meeting of RNRL yesterday.

A press release issued by ADAG for this purpose claimed that Anil was mighty ‘pissed off’ with the facebook activities of Mukesh during the past few weeks. Mukesh had apparently voted down Anil in the ‘nicest person contest’ and ignored his requests to become a fan of ADAG pages. The release also claimed that Mukesh had tagged Anil as an unidentified ‘waiter’ in pictures showing Mukesh and Petroleum Minister Murli Deora having dinner together in a restaurant.

“Honorable Mr. Anil Ambani was very disappointed by such activities and he got shock of his life when Mukesh invited him to play Mafia Wars and Monopoly on facebook. Our group is a law respecting organization and such proposals were clearly a repulsive dig at our ethical standards. Following this, Honorable Mr. Anil Ambani decided to remove Mukesh from his friends list.” the press release elaborated.

Sources at ADAG further informed that removal from friends list was just a warning and if Mukesh did not mend his ways, Anil could as well remove him from orkut list and stop following him on twitter. Sources did not rule out the possibility of Anil removing Murli Deora from his list as well.

The spat between the brothers has worried market watches who feel that the development could seriously impinge India’s assumed recovery from the economic slowdown. Experts are divided over the culpability of either of the brothers on the issue but want the government to intervene and broker peace between them.

Sources in the government refused to comment on the issue because of the subject being sub-judice, but Petroleum Minister did react by writing “best of luck” on the facebook wall of Anil Ambani. Anil had not replied to the comment till reports last came in.

Post Nilekanai, Infosys announces impressive growth

Bangalore. Software giant Infosys declared its Q1 results, registering a net rise in profits by more than 17% over last year. This is a good number. All the software farmers were happy as if they received the first shower of monsoon. The Sensex also responded positively and gained some points on this. Infosys shares were up by 4%. Market gazers believe that these days the quarter results declaration is more or less like a festival. People wait for it as if it is Diwali, Eid, Pongal or Christmas.

"It is indeed a good sign of recovery" echoed the freshers who have got the offer letter in their hands. Some of them have laminated it as they are not getting the confirmed joining date and it was proving to be difficult to preserve the cheap quality of paper.

Infosys CFO Mr. Vibin Balakrishnan expressed his happiness on the report and said that it indeed matched the mandatory growth rate defined by the UPA government. Talking exclusively to Faking News, Mr. Balakrishnan revealed that the removal of Nandan Nilekani was a deliberate step forced by the government to boost the account books of Infosys aka Railways under Lalu Yadav.
“Nandan Nilekani’s salary and perks were astronomically high and if we wouldn't have done it a day before the quarter results, we would not have been able to paint an optimistic growth picture for the next quarter. Now the UPA will take care of him, his wife, his mother and his kids from Yale University.” Mr. Balakrishnan expressed hope and confidence.

Infosys CEO S. Gopalakrishnan also addressed media persons on this occasion and shared his vision and plans of bagging some more projects from the government now that there was an insider (sic.) among the babus. He promised that the freshers would soon get joining dates, but advised them to not to get too excited over the possibility.

Now the market is waiting for Wipro results with bated breath. After seeing all the quarterly reports, BATA consultancy Services (BCS) will publish its own reports. BCS is keeping mum on the new deal sign offs. It bagged the Ferrari deal in the previous quarter. COO of BCS, Chandru confirmed to us that the company had bagged another multi-million rupee deal from Lambretta Scooters. This has not yet been announced as they are in the silent period before the quarters result. The challenge of this project will be to get the ageing Lambretta scooters on the road.

(Submitted by the correspondent 'Idiot Box' through electronic mail from the Electronic City)

Highlights of Union Budget 2009-10

New Delhi. For those of our readers, who missed the budget speech of Finance Minister Pranab Mukherjee, Faking News brings the highlights of the Union Budget:

Defense budget has been increased by over 34%. The ruling coalition can now defend all its tainted MPs without worrying for legal expenses as Service Tax will be now levied on Law firms.

Income tax slabs have been raised. Since income hasn’t risen too much in the last year due to recession, government was considerate enough not to raise the slabs too much as well.

Government will ensue that farming sector grows, but farming land might become lesser as there is a focus on infrastructure development.

Crop loan to farmers will be given at 6%. The farmers need to furnish a few documents – a driving license, a passport with visa to USA, last three years audited IT returns certificate and an affidavit that government won’t be responsible if he commits suicide.

Fringe Benefit Tax has been abolished. Companies are free to abolish the benefits too.

Contrary to popular expectations, no special schemes were announced for gays. e.g. Lesbians were not picked up for mention even as mission for female literacy with focus on minorities, SC/ST was announced.

No change in corporate tax. Swiss banks too have not changed interest rates.

Drugs for heart diseases will be made cheaper. Get a stronger heart for next five years.

Print Media stimulus package extended by six months. Pagal Patrakar wishes Faking News was a print newspaper.

NREGA allocation up by almost 150%. Jai Ho! To provide a real wage of Rs. 100 per day, this is equal to the monthly revenues of Faking News.

Government to spend Rs. 12000 crores on rural roads. The decision was taken in wake of the possibility of Tata’s Nano car being owned by each rural household.

Modernization of National Employment Exchanges. Sleek looking gals will hand out job application forms to the unemployed youth.

PSUs to remain within public sector! LOL!

Almost Rs. 1500 crores more allocated for Commonwealth Games. It includes prizes for contractors to finish their work early and in time.

Our correspondent Idiot Box further reports:

OOPs He did it again

Budget Flu has attacked the Indian subcontinent and everyone is mourning and singing "OOPs he did it again... although after more than 2 decades) When Pranaab Da started his union budget, the entire nation was looking at him as if he is the most qualified person to look for GDP growth of 9%. "Arrey Bhai, what calculation let you to dream of GDP growth of 9%", asked an amused kela aadmi (cousin of aam aadmi). After seeing a negative inflation, even the most gadha (donkey) aadmi would question the credibility of numbers.

Not only entire nation, the entire world was looking. Even the Wall Street in New York had come to a halt (anyways it was night time in New York, observed Mr.Witty Birbal, a senior analyst from Faking News). All eyes were on the plasma display which was giving minute by minute update on the budget. Even the Wall Street Bull lifted his head to see the budget.

All desis came out on the street as if it was the night before thanksgiving! They came with their own tap water and home made idli-vada, samosa-pakora for snacks. Some had even put up their sweater and scarf as they feel it is always cold in any foreign country.

All the websites and television channels were giving live updates. The 6th of July is marked as the 'Serial Killer' day in India as no serials was broadcasted. Today the T.V. was dominated by Pranab and Arnab (Arnab of the Arnab Goswami fame who can talk non-stop without any break).

Anandi of 'Balika Vadhu' and Akshara of 'Yeh Rishta Kya Kehlata hai' were also heard talking about budget. This was a strategic move started by the new government to educate the couch potato housewives of the impact of budget. Housewives can now bug their husband to buy imported LCD T.V. as the tax has been reduced.

The cyber space was full of tweets. All the birdies were tweeting nano second by second update of the budget. Faking News cyber-crawlers uncovered some exclusive updates which were not commonly seen on the web.

July 6, 2009, 06:00 : Alarm Bell rings and Pranab stops the alarm in his sleep and laziness.

July 6, 2009, 06:45 : Pranab wakes up and rushes to get ready for his special day. His PA submits a report that he is delayed for the budget speech.

July 6, 2009, 07:00 : Sensex down by 420.99 points on negative sentiments from budget as people read the news paper in the morning (This is the first time in history that market has fallen even before the opening bell).

July 6, 2009, 10:12 : Tax limit changed for Gay too.The first slab of income of Rs. 377,000 will be tax free for Gay and Rs. 4,20,000 will be exempted for the lesbians.

July 6, 2009, 11:57 : Agricultural growth to increase by 4%. This can be achieved by growing potatoes over the roof top of IT companies and installing flower pots in the place of desktops of laid off employees. Following Green revolution, this will be coined as Pink revolution taking cue from the pink slips.

July 6, 2009 12:00 : Citizens are encouraged to buy imported gold jewellery although the basic food price keep shooting through the roof. Wife of Manmohan Singh has already requested for gold bars as soon as the clock struck 12.

Economist thinks smart-ass Indians, not petrol price hike, causes inflation

New Delhi. Millions of Indians, mostly belonging to the middle and upper middle classes, brought traffic and daily life to a standstill in various cities of the country last evening by queuing up to buy petrol and diesel from filling stations before their prices went up last midnight. Government had hiked the petrol prices by four rupees per liter and diesel by two rupees per liter, apparently to cut losses of oil companies in view of rising prices of crude oil in the international market. But it seems that with this price hike, government has been able achieve more than just cutting the losses of oil companies.

“A typical car tank holds up to 40-50 liters of petrol, and hence those smart Indians who spent hours in queues last night to fill their tank fully could save around 150-200 rupees each. Let us discount the value of their time and value of the petrol that they might have lost while waiting in the queue. Since the number of such smart Indians was sizeable, the amount saved can’t be ignored. And let us not confuse the amount with ordinary savings; petrol is an asset, which means that those people could increase their assets and their individual net worths by 150-200 rupees instantly as valuation of petrol went up after last midnight. This clearly meant that millions of those smart Indians could increase public saving by billions of rupees, which should now bring down the interest rates and increase public investment.” noted economist Asatya Sen told Faking News.

Various Indians who queued up to buy petrol or diesel last night were happy and contented to learn this. They felt vindicated at having spent time and energy for buying petrol and hoped that the economy will get a boost after their generous contribution. But their happiness was a bit short-lived as many experts feared that this increase in public saving could actually adversely impact the economy and the lives of common man.

“I agree with Asatya Sen that this increase in public saving will bring down the interest rates, but that would not stimulate investment or shape up the economy. In fact, a fall in interest rates will push up housing prices impacting the common man. Not only housing prices, a general inflationary movement could be witnessed soon. We always blame the government for inflation that follows petrol price hikes, but the truth is that the common man is responsible for this mess thanks to his smart-ass behavior of saving a few bucks.” another noted economist Satya Sen opined.

Petroleum Minister Murli Deora agreed with Satya Sen and feared that such reckless behavior by the citizens of India could initiate an inflationary movement in the economy causing the prices of essential commodities to go up. He also suspected that most of the people who queued up yesterday night to buy petrol could have been BJP workers who wanted to discredit the government by pushing up inflation. The minister warned the opposition and media against blaming the UPA government for the ensuing inflation.

McKinsey proposes FART approach to employee unrest

Mumbai. McKinsey and Co., the global leaders in management consultancy, have proposed a new framework for companies dealing with employee unrest in wake of the ongoing economic downturn. The framework, published in the visitor edition of The McKinsey Quarterly, advocates a four-pronged approach called FART to deal with the dissatisfaction among employees arising out of cost-cutting measures taken up by companies.

FART stands for Feed, Affect, Relegate, and Terminate – four different approaches that a company should take based on mix of two parameters – existing 'Employee Mindset' and the 'Cash Status' of the company. The McKinsey Quarterly report elaborates each of these four approaches of the FART framework with several exhibits to back up the study.

“If the company has a bit of cash and the employees’ mindset is still to turn hostile, the company should ‘feed’ the employees to stop them from turning hostile. The best way to ‘feed’ is to give some freebies like season gifts, personalized cakes on birthdays, shopping coupons, free pizzas during working hours, etc.” the report explained the ‘feed’ approach of the FART framework.

In case employees’ mood has turned a bit hostile and some of them are demanding explanations about issues like salary hikes and promotions, the FART framework suggests ‘affect’ approach for companies with surplus cash. ‘Affect’ approach requires the company to affect i.e. pretend taking some proactive steps for employee welfare.

“The company could initiate a pretentious performance appraisal process to quell the employee unrest. Other steps could involve sending the employees a feedback form, or inviting employees for a one-to-one interview with HR executives, etc. Such steps mollify the hostile mood of the employees, giving them a hope about future, but these steps should be taken only when the company has some cash to meet the expenses associated with these affected steps.” the report elaborated.

If a company doesn’t enjoy the luxury of surplus cash and is running into losses, the FART framework advocates ‘relegate’ approach, but only if the employees are in a friendly mindset, which is rare in normal course. The approach involves taking steps like lowering the compensation packages and demoting the employees. The report describes the ‘relegate’ approach as being a transient approach as it usually ends up changing the employee mindset from friendly to hostile, leaving the company to adopt the forth and the final approach – terminate.

“If the company is running into losses and employees have turned hostile, the best approach is to ‘terminate’ i.e. fire the employees.” the report concluded the FART framework.

Frog marriages can push up India’s GDP: Study

New Delhi. A threat of monsoon washout has left the government clueless and the common man at the mercy of God. A lack of rainfall threatens to push the inflation rate up and the growth rate (GDP) down. While the government is still pondering what to do, the common man has started taking steps like havan, puja and arranging marriages of frogs. While the skeptics and the rationalists might scoff at these seemingly senseless attempts by the common man, a Faking News study shows that such attempts can in fact prove helpful in pushing up India’s GDP.

“The common man must not stop at arranging marriages for the frogs. This is well begun but half undone. The need of the hour is to keep the frog couple together and make them consummate the marriage. We need lots and lots of baby frogs. Yes, we need to encourage ‘Frog Farming’. The government should buy these baby frogs from frog farmers and then export them to countries like China and France. This will increase government spending as well as exports, thus pushing the GDP northwards.” the Faking News Intelligence Group (FNIG) report noted.

The report points out the fact that people in countries like China have almost eaten frogs to extinction, which has opened up a global market for frogs. Frog legs are a delicacy in France while Chinese eat the whole frog. Some Chinese companies also make aphrodisiac or sex-drive improving medicines out of frog’s sexual organs. Such needs and usages drive the demand for frogs in these countries. Currently, Indonesia is the largest exporter of frogs, but there is an opportunity for India to enter this global frog market and replace the South East Asian country from its market leader position.

“Government invariably has to encourage Frog Farming. The good work started by aam aadmi (common Indians) by marrying off frogs must be concluded with government facilitating mating of frogs. During mating, the male frog climbs over and clasps the female around her waist tightly, and tends to be in that position lasting sometimes for several days! The common man must be educated about this fact so that he lets the frogs make love and not try to disjoin them out of fear or curiosity. During the mating period, the female can lay several hundreds eggs. One can simply imagine the kind of growth we are looking at.” FNIG report elaborated.

Faking News hopes that the government will take the required steps and chalk out a strategy for a National Frog Farming Programme. This could be the second “Green Revolution” our country could witness, pulling us out of recession and monsoon washout.

Lazy man wants to file I-T returns through facebook updates

Hyderabad. Garmee Gupta, a very lazy man working for an MNC, wants to file his annual income tax returns using modern technological tools like facebook status updates or twitter tweets. Garmee, who hates to come out of his room and has made his company arrange for a workstation there itself, is planning to launch a mass agitation from within his room to force the government into accepting his demands.

“This is ridiculous. The UPA government claims it represents the young India and is with the aam aadmi (common man), but what is it doing to prove it? A young common Indian has to run from one office to another and gather a heap of documents even to pay money (taxes) to the government. The government should take all the trouble in gathering information and documenting them if it wants money.” Garmee told Faking News.

Mr. Gupta wants the I-T department to make either a facebook or a twitter ID.

“I-T department can have a twitter ID and start following all of us young Indians. We would declare our earnings through tweets and the department can analyze and archive the data. If that sounds too cumbersome, the department could have a facebook page where we would put the required information regarding our earnings, savings etc. on the wall, if those lazy fellows don’t want to follow our status updates on facebook as well. We can even upload scanned documents on the facebook page wall if the government really wants to pain us and asks for proof.” Garmee expounded his proposed action plan.

Garmee has sent a memorandum to the government and asked them to implement his plan within two weeks failing which he’d start a mass agitation by making facebook groups, orkut communities and various public blogs. Garmee has asked all like minded individuals to support him in his endeavors. Garmee was too lazy to give our reporter his contact details, where lazy like minded individuals could contact him.

Answer to Tata Nano, Ford launches $500 car

Dearborn Michigan, USA. Ford Motor Company President & CEO Alan Mulally announced their latest offering in the automobile sector – the $500 passenger car Ox-Ford. Ox-Ford is inspired from the original “Ford Model T” and it is a low emission carbon neutral vehicle. The announcement came even as Obama administration announced interim loans to rescue the troubled auto industry.

Ox-Ford would be powered by a bullock in the front, and thus reduce the American dependency on foreign oil, something that the American consumer and administration would want. Experts believe that this factor could be used by the government to justify the use of taxpayers’ money to rescue the car makers.

Though initial plans have been kept secret, the prototype model would be 0.285 horsepower and would accelerate from 0 to 60 ft/min in under 2 hours. Fuel consumption is expected to be 10 miles per bushel of hay. There are rumours that a sportier twin engine car would come out soon.

Also the car is available in any colour as long as its black, keeping in mind the grand tradition of oligopoly enjoyed since the time of its founder Henry Ford with its very own Model-T.

Ford spokesperson said it is also expected to have significantly lower CO2 emissions though sceptics say that the reduced emission claim is a load of bullshit, as there would be greater methane emissions due to incessant farting, not to mention urine leaks which would be nearly as bad as engine oil leaks in American cars.

As for exporting the vehicle, initially it is only planned for local sales in Detroit, due to shortage of bulls in the area. Also keeping in mind President Obama’s “Employ American” directive, only American bulls would be employed, quashing rumours of importing Indian bulls, who have a bigger hump and are experienced in pulling bullock carts therefore more suited for the job. Right now the H1-B visa wouldn’t be available to the Indian bulls since the Detroit Auto industry is availing of the “bail-out” package from the US government.

Back home, many people claimed that Ford was trying to do a Tata by announcing a low cost passenger car and might soon flood Indian markets with Ox-Ford. When Faking News correspondent contacted Ratan Tata, the Chairman of Tata Group, he declined to comment specifically on Ford, but said that there was no threat to Nano from American car makers.

(the report has been submitted by Pravasi Patrakar after intense analysis of international auto sector)

Google to launch applications for terrorists

California, USA. Google Inc., the leading service provider in online domain, has announced its intentions to launch various applications for terrorists. The applications range from search engines to find possible terror targets to a social networking website exclusively for terrorists. The move is seen to exploit the trend of growing numbers of terrorists, especially tech savvy terrorists, around the world.

“Terrorism is here to stay. We might run out of doctors and pastors, but we would always find terrorists around. It has a global appeal. It’s a growing market, unless aliens or communists get back to earth.” Google co-founder Larry Page told Faking News.

One of the applications to be released has been named as “Google BlownUp”. The application allows a terrorist to draw 3-D models of target buildings and find the right places and strategy to blow them up. The application simulates the actual impact of explosives used and returns the estimated number of casualties.

Realizing that India could be the most lucrative market for its new applications, Google has added some India specific features in its applications such as quick links to Human Rights groups and 'RSS' feeds for getting latest information.

Currently Google is expecting to earn revenue through advertising through these applications. Many USA based companies dealing in arms and defense technologies have already pledged millions of dollars of advertisement to Google for terrorist applications.

Sources say that later Google can introduce higher level of services and make them available on paid basis only. Such services could include search for potential recruits among non-terrorist user base and access to various security agencies’ database. Terrorists would also be able to search for and network with political advocates and religious leaders on pay-per-use basis in future.

“This is a wonderful step by Google. Our work would become very fast and we would be able to carry on our operations much effectively once these applications are launched.” Al-Qaida’s chief marketing officer Al-Billi Mousea told us through an email.

Governments and security agencies around the world are currently tight lipped about the development and are refusing to comment.

Japanese finance minister joins United Breweries Group

Tokyo, Japan. Japanese Finance Minister Shoichi Nakagawa, who resigned on Tuesday over charges of attending a press conference in an inebriated state, has decided to join Vijay Mallya’s UB Group as General Manager of International Business unit. Sources say that Nakagawa could also act as a brand ambassador for the Mallya’s new soon-to-be-launched brand of rum - “Recession”.

“Spirits should be up (when/with) markets down. Mallya is indianly (sic.) good and I take the job tomorrow. Japan up (mumbles…) I am happy for my men and women. Hic!” Nakagawa explained and announced his decision in a press conference, where he again seemed to have come after drinking heavily, though he denied being under influence of alcohol.

UB Group Chairman Vijay Mallya too was present at the press conference wearing a Hawaiian shirt and Japanese sarong. He welcomed Nakagawa into the UB family and expressed confidence that not only the Japanese, but people all over the world would enjoy his new brand of rum.

“Recession can take you to places you can’t even imagine. Do you think Pietersen (former English cricket team captain) had imagined he’d earn so much when his own parliament was thinking how to safeguard people’s income against economic slowdown? Only UB could have done it and will continue doing it. All you need is a Recession.” Mallya raised a toast to Recession.

Nakagawa will spearhead campaigns and strategy to push Recession down each lane of Japan, and would be assisted in this job by Mallya’s team. However some people in UB Group wants Nakagawa to first implement his strategy in India, where pub-going has suddenly become talking point, and a new brand of rum could meet this sudden rise in demand.

Journalists present at the press conference too were offered a couple of pegs of Recession. Faking News correspondent fainted after sipping just a couple of drops of it, pushing all other journalists into unbridled bouts of laughter. The journalists praised Mallya for coming up with such a strong product in troubled times.

“I hope all of you have now got your news-pegs now.” Mallya winked towards the end of the press conference.

Why is Ramalinga Raju unhappy?

Hyderabad. Unconfirmed sources have revealed that Raju is terribly unhappy about Slumdog Millionaire getting the Golden Globe award for the "Best Screenplay". His unhappiness basically stems from the fact that his company's Balance Sheet was not even considered for the nomination.

"The P&L statement of my company is already a bestseller in the FICTION category across the world." Raju has been quoted as saying. This quote actually comes as a surprise to a lot of financial analysts who now believe that the company's accounts should actually be sold in the recipes section as the company has been doing nothing but cooking the books.

Incidentally, this is not the first time that Raju has expressed his displeasure over an issue. He has in the past reacted to his company being sidelined in the favor of biggies like Infosys, when it comes to matters like Corporate Governance. Raju told a section of media "my company has been contributing in its own way to the India STORY." He sees himself as a man of steely vision. "If Sardar Patel was the iron man of India, I am the man of STEAL", he was heard saying.

Talking of Corporate Governance, Raju also clarified on the issue of Golden Peacock award being taken away from them. "It was a misunderstanding to start with", Raju clarified. As it turns out, when Raju proclaimed "I want a share of your wallet", investors thought he was talking to the customers. The fact that he was actually talking to the investors themselves was not realized by anybody.

In these tough times for Raju, help came from an unexpected quarter - Bollywood. One director is working on a plot where a small time guy from village gets trapped in the pressures of corporate world and does everything possible to show profits quarter after quarter. He however has a change of heart after seven years and confesses to everything bad done by him, exonerating everyone else in the company from the scam. The title has been registered as "Raju Ban Gaya Gentleman".

This director, just for the record, was not on the board of Satyam. This makes him an "independent director" as far as this issue is concerned.

Despite bad news flocking from all quarters, Raju has not lost hope. "Afterall our national emblem itself quotes - Satyamev Jayate: In the end, only Satyam Triumphs", Raju expressed hope.

Disclaimer: All the quotes in this article are as fictitious as Satyam's cash.

(This special story has been reported by Faking News special correspondent Shashank)

Modi becomes MoU ka Saudagar

Ahmedabad. The Vibrant Gujarat Global Investors Summit 2009, the mega event organized by Narendra Modi government has met with more resounding a success than originally anticipated. Not only has the Gujarat government surpassed the target it had set for itself; the event managers have caught the notice of top aides of the new US President Barack Obama.

Gujarat is currently hosting delegates from 37 countries for the fourth such summit, designed to catalyze investments in the state. Formal signing of MoUs with prospective investors in sectors like automobiles, IT, power, port, infrastructure, oil and gas sectors has been the highlight of such meets. A target of $140 billion had been fixed for VGGIS 2009. The tally grazed the $150 billion mark on the first day itself with captains of industry from India and abroad committing investments in several SEZs.

Modi will, in effect, be putting Rs 1.5 lakh in the pocket of each one of the 5 crore Gujaratis, whom he is concerned about. Thus even the Muslims among the population will become lakhpatis as a result of this feat. The achievement contributed to the festive mood of kite flying celebrated with fervor in the state during Uttarayan, for which tonnes of yarn is consumed.

A jubilant chief secretary D Rajagopalan declared that the tally was even higher than the sum of all commitments MoUed by Gujarat in the last eight years. He could not give any figures of actual implementation of committed projects and said that it did not come under his purview as chief secretary.

One notable absence in the meet was of B Ramalinga Raju, a close friend of Modi. He was the main attraction at the IT summit in the State in 2006. Satyam had signed an MoU to set up SEZs investing close to $1 billion. It paid an advance of Rs 12 crore to get 26 acres of land allotted and presumably generated at least half of the promised 15,000 jobs.

Raju’s place is taken by Paresh Rawal, the Gol Maal star who is signing an MoU for a Rs 1500 crore Film City project. It will be in partnership with Bollywood scriptwriter Mitun Bhutia and the project will come up in south Gujarat, near Mumbai. They will get 200-250 acre land. Rawal told Faking News that the entire funds will come from another version of Gol Mall to be completed by the next Vibrant Gujarat summit. Shatru Gun Sinha too will sign an MoU for establishing a Rs 1000 crore Film City at Mandvi in Kutch. The Bollywood actor who drew a blank in Bihar in this mission will be given 300 acre land.

The ironies have given a handle to former BJP stalwart and Modi’s predecessor as CM, Shankarsinh Vaghela, to call the summit as a “Satyanaryan Katha.” Currently Union textile minister after accepted the leadership of ‘madam’ and defecting to Congress, he demanded, “The Gujarat government should release a black paper clarifying the status of implementation of MoUs.”

Vaghela trashed talk of creation of 2.5 million jobs during Modi’s tenure, including 800,000 from the “present tamasha”. In fact, Industries commissioner Sujit Gulati has confirmed that over 30 per cent of the 200,000 registered SMEs in Gujarat have closed down and one million people are unemployed in the state.

Surprisingly, ‘Travails of India’, the mass circulation newspaper described VGGIS 2009 as “simply staggering, given the depressed environment worldwide.” It hailed Modi as “MoU ka Saudagar” who had put “the world at Gujarat’s feet.”

The media biggie was waging a no-holds-barred war against Modi till recently, It had played a big role in projecting Modi as ‘Maut ka Saudagar’, the title given to him by Vaghela. But, this time around, the newspaper has chosen to ignore the criticism by Congress netas.

Faking News learns that K Kailasnathan, the principal secretary to the chief minister, received a call from White House, congratulating his boss. The aides were keen to know the secret behind the ‘feat’. They said they already had the expertise to balloon figures for painting a rosy picture of economy. But, they sought Gujarat’s expertise in bringing bellicose media Moguls around when making incredibly tall claims.

It may be noted that Modi’s visa had been revoked by the US and he has been debarred from entering EU countries because of negative propaganda. Observers say that a high decibel positive propaganda is on the way and that Obama will be compelled to tender an apology on behalf of Bush.

(This special report has been brought to you by chhuchhundarbaba)

Government buys out Satyam, to convert it into a bank

New Delhi. Government has finally decided to bail out Satyam Computer Services limited after the company fell in deep trouble with mysterious disclosures by its chairman Ramalinga Raju. The government has bought over Satyam and has converted it into a financial institution called Satyam Bank of India (SBI). SBI will work to set the financial health of India straight.

“The alleged fraud by Satyam has been grossly misunderstood by media and public. It’s actually a corrective step rather than a scam. We all know that many sectors of our economy suffer from under-reporting. What Mr. Raju did could be called a case of over-reporting, which is actually balancing things out at the aggregate level. We need more such steps to get the true picture of our economy and wealth.” Planning Commission deputy-chairman Montek Singh Ahluwalia told Faking News.

Faking News has learnt that India has USD 1.5 trillion in Swiss banks, which is more black money than the rest of the world combined. All this money has never been shown in any balance sheet or bank account of any corporate or individual, which has made India a poor and vulnerable country in the eyes of the world, so much so that even Pakistan and Afghanistan threaten to attack it at will.

“If all those billions of dollars could come back to Indian bank accounts and balance sheets, it will solve many of our problems. Unfortunately people have been showing less money on balance sheets and bank accounts all these years, but Raju was a welcome exception. SBI will partner with Swiss Bank to bring those Indian dollars and fill in the gap created by under-reporting.” Mr. Ahluwalia further explained the working of SBI.

The corporate world had mixed reactions to the government step with some of the leaders accusing the government of trying to siphon off their hard earned money into the tax coffers. Such leaders plan to meet Samajwadi Party leader and erudite economist Amar Singh to pressurize the UPA government against any such ‘misadventure’.

The political class too reacted in different tones with the main opposition party BJP claiming that the government was trying to shift focus from the real issue of terrorism and cover up their failures by announcing populist policies. Communist parties have welcomed the move but has asked government to form a parliamentary committee headed by Jyoti Basu to decide on how could the dollars brought by SBI could be divided among various parties.

Sources inform Faking News that government has been quite pleased with Ramalinga Raju’s letter and deeds, and that’s why it has been reluctant to arrest him.

Satyam Chairman Ramalinga Raju appointed SEBI Director

New Delhi/Mumbai. The finance minster of India, widely believed to be Manmohan Singh, announced appointment of Ramalinga Raju, Chairman, Satyam Computer Services limited, as Director, SEBI. It is understood that Raju has been awarded for the international recognition and reputation he brought to Satyam Computer and Indian IT industry.

“Raju could create wealth where none existed. He could bring cash in access of what could have been counted. He could make Satyam earn interests on NPAs, and he could write off huge liabilities. Such an acumen and ability is not to be found easily in men, and India could benefit from his experiences in these troubled times.” a finance ministry press statement revealed.

Stock Markets reacted positively and BSE jumped over 420 points as soon as the news was broken by Faking News. Satyam’s shares recorded a huge rise of 1000% when circuit breakers were applied.

“Ramalinga can kill the Ravana of recession with his divine prowess. He can bring in the much needed liquidity in market as he could bring in all those cash in the balance sheet of Satyam. I guess the UPA government has taken a very right decision by making him the SEBI director.” stock broker Harshad Maytas told Faking News.

Sources have informed Faking News that Ramalinga Raju could also head the parliamentary committee on corporate governance as a special member. Mr. Raju could also deliver a lecture on ‘how to balance a balance-sheet’ at IIM Ahmedabad where bulk of the students are engineers and regularly face trouble creating a sense-making balance sheet.

“I think it would be good to learn some tips from a great management guru like Mr. Raju, who could make others read his balance sheet the way he wanted them to read. It’s a super achievement.” Siddharth Hillidharan, a second year MBA student at IIM Ahmedabad told.

But there were some disapproving voices too in the corporate world, who somehow thought that Mr. Raju was actually guilty of unfair practices and a symbol of bad corporate governance. But these people were not surprised by the government decision as they believed that Mr. Raju had a cultural fit with the governing and political class.

It is reported that one of the important decisions that Mr. Ramalinga Raju would take as the new SEBI director would be to create a new stock exchange ESB, which will drive the quotes in BSE. Details are awaited.

Shoes thrown at Dr. Doom Nouriel Roubini

New York, USA. Noted economist and professor at New York University, Nouriel Roubini, miraculously escaped unhurt when a laid off Wall Street banker Fichard Ruld threw two shoes at him in quick succession. Prof Roubini, also known as Dr. Doom, was delivering a lecture at a seminar called by NYSE when shoes were thrown at him.

The shoe thrower, Fichard Ruld, used to work with Lehman Brothers before he lost his job due to bankruptcy (of the bank). He got worked up when Roubini predicted that economic recession will continue till 2010, and bankers and policy makers were to be blamed for the mess. He threw both his shoes at Roubini before he was nailed to the ground by security-men present at the seminar.

“Roubini is the real culprit. He has engineered all this economic chaos through his three agents, whom he refers to as Doom’s Darlings. Now he is conspiring to keep us out of jobs for another two years. It’s him who should be arrested, not me.” Ruld told media persons as he was being taken for jail out.

But Professor Roubini seemed unperturbed by the attack. He said that people must learn to accept their own mistakes rather than pointing fingers and throwing shoes at others, especially at those who tell the bitter truth. He declined to comment on allegations of triggering chaos in markets through his agents.

“Shoes don’t scare me. But those who wear them are quite scary. Did you notice the shoes that were thrown at me? You just know that they belonged to an ex-banker, but I’d request you to take a finer look at the shoes and you will get many answers.” Dr. Doom told in a puzzling manner.

Faking News, along with other media organizations, finally were allowed to have a look at the shoes by the FBI from a distance of fifteen feet. The shoes belonged to a little know brand ‘Vanity’ and were of size 11. But what was most surprising was that both the shoes were for the left foot.

Reliance says tata to government agents

Mumbai. After Tata expressed lack of reliance in government machinery, Reliance has decided to say tata to government agencies. Reliance will no longer deal with these agencies, rather agents, especially bureaucrats and politicians, as it used to engage them in company’s formative years.

“We have been supporting our bureaucrats and politicians throughout and they have been reciprocating, but times have changed now. We have decided not to support them anymore till they carry on their duties effectively.” a joint statement by both the Ambani brothers read.

Both the brothers, who have recently come together after economic slowdown, refused to elaborate further. They threatened to stop similar support to media when journalists tried to probe them. Faking News too decided not to probe further as most of us use Reliance mobiles and eat potatoes from Reliance Fresh.

Other corporate houses too are expected to back Tata and Reliance in tightening the noose around government agencies and press them to perform. Our team tried to contact various corporate houses for a reaction but most of them were busy with their finances. Only Vijay Mallya agreed to comment.

“I guess it’s high time our government wakes up. I’m so shocked that even after so many disasters they are not allowing to serve liquor in the airlines (sic.)” Mr. Mallya told Faking News.

Meanwhile common man on the street is confused over where to go or on whom to rely if the government doesn’t perform well. Faking News asks such people to send us SMSs and register their concern.

Piggy Bank goes bankrupt

New York, USA. Leading investment bank of children, the Piggy Bank, has filed for bankruptcy under Chapter 11 of United States Bankruptcy Code. The bank had bought risky assets from parent organizations and was finding it an uphill task to continue in business after parents went bankrupt. Piggy Bank expects the government to announce a bailout plan for them.

“We shouldn’t be punished for what the bigger banks did. We had no original exposure to any risky asset and we had been performing rather well. Just because we put faith on our parent banks, we are into this mess now. Government should rescue us.” Piggy Bank CEO Richard Chuld told.

Faking News has learnt that various governments of the world could come together to announce a bailout plan. The bailout plan would be made conditional and Piggy Bank would be required to cut down on its expenses and operations to bare minimum till the financial crisis blew over.

While children across the world are hopeful, they are unhappy over the possibility of reserves of Piggy Bank going down. They are also worried a bit as the bailout plan has already run into troubled waters with some groups in Pakistan protesting against it.

“Pig is unclean and unislamic, we have got nothing to do with it. Our children have never used piggy bank, not even a camel bank. Why should the Pakistani government join this bailout plan?” Karachi based financial group Jamaat-ul-Sauda’s press release read.

Government of Pakistan has not categorically supported or opposed the bailout plan yet, but has asked for tangible proofs from the Fed that Pakistani children have been using the services of Piggy Bank.

Experts believe that Pakistan’s own financial health is going through red and the government may not be able to contribute much in the bailout package. They are also helpless as groups like Jamaat-ul-Sauda have become quite powerful in recent years. But at the same time they don’t want to be seen as being indifferent to a global problem therefore they are biding time.

Amidst all these, children of the world spent another listless day thanks to the prudence of their parents.

Recession could unite Ambani brothers

Mumbai. After the Ambani brothers Mukesh and Anil shook hands at L K Advani’s industry meet, a letter, purported to be written by Anil to Mukesh, is causing turmoil in the financial and business world. The letter suggests that junior Ambani is warming up to his elder brother to end differences and merge the businesses of both the groups, which parted ways in 2006.

Faking News has got exclusive copy of the letter written by Anil Ambani and is reproducing below for the benefit of our readers:

“Dear Bhaiyya (hope Raj Thackeray doesn’t mistake you for a Bihari),

I hope your finances are in fine spirits and feeling well, although I know you might be feeling the pinch of the downturn, especially after these guys didn’t allow you to lay-off people from the Retail business. I too wanted to lay-off people from Reliance Capital but I my hands were so tied. That’s why I freed my hands and held it out to shake with yours. I could definitely feel that you too were going through the same phase.

To make things worse, even my personal fortune is going down fast as well. Everyone knows about the falling market capitalization of my shares, but my personal bank balance has gone down drastically. This is the last SMS I received from ICICI Bank (yes, I still bank my cash there):

Your Ac XXXXXX006179 is debited INR 15,00,00,000.00 on 15 Nov. Info: BIL*000084303310*AMARSINGH*NSP . Total Avbl. Bal is INR 13,786.69 . Your money is safe with ICICI. Don’t believe any rumor.

I can’t even sell my shares to get some money for spending, as it might push down the share prices even lower. RBI surely needs to do more to infuse liquidity. But we can’t be waiting for the central bank or the government to do something, we must act now or Forbes will lower our ranks.

I suspect that you are going through same kind of liquidity crunch. And beware, the government is going to make it worse by telling you to bring down the prices of oil, agro products, and medicines just before the elections. I would not be spared either. So we must join hands, not just shake them.

Yours lovingly,
Anil Dhirubhai Ambani.”

The last line of the above letter is making people squirm in the industry. Employees of both Reliances are worried that both brothers might fuse the businesses and lay off employees citing economies of scale and scope. Management of both the Reliances is tight lipped about the possibility, which has increased the discomfort among employees.

Such a step could also create political controversies as BJP is reported to be supporting the merger of both Reliances saying the move signifies the ‘bharat milaap’ episode of Ramayana, which proves the existence of Lord Rama. Samajwadi Party is opposing the possible merger and they have warned Congress to disallow any such step as it might create problems in fund raising for next general elections.

Various business leaders too are feeling edgy over the possibility of both the brothers joining hands as it might create a monopoly in various sectors. A delegation of industry leaders are planning to meet the finance minister and ministry of company affairs to stop the brothers from taking such a step.

But leading management consulting firm McKinsey and Company has advised Indian business leaders not to oppose the move. They have released a report that claims that such a merger will ward off threats of recession in India. But sources tell Faking News that McKinsey is hoping to finally get its consulting fee post merger of both Reliances and hence has come up with such a report.

MNS search launched

Mumbai. After foraying into social service, policy advocacy, railways, and aviation, MNS (Maharashtra Navnirman Sena) has diversified its business further by entering into internet search category. They would be taking on search giant Google head on with their newly launched MNS Search engine.

The MNS search engine, primarily launched in English language, will soon be fully converted into Marathi to respect and salvage Marathi culture, MNS press release informed.

MNS engineers expect to earn advertising revenues from this new business to support peaceful activities and noble intentions of the party. Railways could be one of the major advertises, it is expected. Apart from revenues, the search engine is expected to smoothen and streamline party activities as they have been deemed haphazard more or less by analysts.

The URL of the new search engine is being kept under shrouds of secrecy as the engineers suspect that Bhaiyya hackers could spoil the party.