SRK was detained at US airport due to stammering

New York, USA. Following the uproar in India over Bollywood superstar Shahrukh Khan being held up for around two hours at an airport, the American security officials have finally issued a statement denying any racial or religious profiling being the reason behind the incident. But officials have confirmed that the Indian actor was detained because he indeed was perceived to be a threat to the domestic security, because of his famous stammering.

“When Mr. Khan was asked his name, he told – My name is K K K… Before he could complete his sentence, the junior security official detained him for being a suspect supporter of the banned organization. Later on we watched various interviews and movies by Mr. Khan and concluded that he stammers at the ‘K’ letter, so we let him go. Watching all those movies and interviews could have taken much more time as Indians talk a lot and make quite lengthy movies, but to our credit, we finished the business within two hours.” a security official told.

The homeland security department categorically denied any religious profiling in the incident as they argued that Shahrukh didn’t appear Muslim to them.

“His name surely is pathetic, but he doesn’t wear that tube wrapped turban. He also has no beard without moustache and he doesn’t stink like a goat. No copy of that holy book was found in his luggage and he didn’t ask for a permission to say prayers while being detained. He surely doesn’t look Muslim to us. We don’t profile anybody on religious grounds.” the security official explained.

The department also denied any racial profiling though they agreed that Shahrukh did appear Asian to them and he needed to work on his skin color and accent.

“Yes, he indeed appears very much Indian – a show off and whining boy like most of you. But we do such stuff to celebrities of all origins. I hope you know that one of our junior officials detained the legendary singer and musician Bob Dylan and asked for his identity proof. It happened the same day when we were watching those pathetic movies of your stammering Khan. We like being close and personal with celebrities, no profiling or bias here.” the security official further explained.

Back home, Indian I&B minister Ambika Soni has rejected all these claims and explanations of the US security officials and has reiterated her proposed policy of ‘tit for tat’. A government circular issued at all international airports in India has asked the security officials to strip search all American VIPs, especially actors and actresses. The circular has been issued with joint collaboration of the tourism and culture ministry under the “Incredible India” campaign.

Reality show winner wants government to respect privacy

Mumbai. Harishchandra Sachbola, the man who shot to fame by becoming the first person to win one crore rupees in the reality show “Sach Ka Saamna”, believes that government must not snoop into the private lives of the citizens of India under the pretext of matters of national concern and security. Sachbola was addressing media persons after having won the reality show.

“It’s absolutely disgusting to see government agencies tapping your phones or reading your mails in the name of national security and legal inquiry. Why are they so interested in my personal life? How does it matter to the nation what kind of relationships I have with my friends and relatives? The state can’t be allowed to do such things and I urge all progressive persons to unite against this state sponsored voyeurism.” Sachbola appealed.

Harishchandra Sachbola, who works as a marketing manager in an MNC in Delhi, claimed that he had always suspected government intentions and had taken part in various online campaigns to protect individual privacy. Sachbola gave out URLs of thirteen of his blogs which he thought media persons would be interested in reporting about. Some of the blogs had sensational stories of Sachbola’s past affairs apart from his views on human, animal and gay rights.

Earlier Harishchandra Sachbola ‘correctly’ answered all the twenty one questions related to his private, social and professional life to win the reality show. In course of answering the questions, he accepted that his son sucked like a leech and that he covetously wished he had slept with the hot wife of his best friend. He also thought that his dad took premature retirement to free ride on his money.

Sachbola’s family members, who were present during the reality show and cried at regular intervals, expressed happiness over his victory. They thought that Sachbola was an obsessive compulsive truth speaker and seeker, and his sentiments should be respected by everyone. Sachbola himself agreed that he liked speaking the 'truth'.

“I enjoyed answering all questions. I’m an independent man and I don’t care what the society thinks about me. At least I have the guts to speak the truth that other people simply avoid. They didn’t ask else I wanted to tell the truth about Brahmins and Muslims. Man, they suck!” Sachbola expressed the desire to speak more truths.

He also declared that he would use the prize money to help treat people who were pathological liars and didn’t tell their wives about the porn-stars they fantasized while having sex with them. He appealed to the television channel broadcasting the show to help him find a partner hospital that could sponsor his therapeutic campaign for the betterment of the society.

Rakhi Sawant marries wrong guy due to solar eclipse

Udaipur. The shooting for final episode of “Rakhi Ka Swayamvar” took a bizarre turn when Rakhi Sawant put the garland around the wrong guy’s neck, apparently due to poor visibility arising out of solar eclipse. The ‘wrong’ guy has been identified as Jebu Kataria, a popular pickpocket of Udaipur city, who had gone to the shooting spot, allegedly to pick pockets of unsuspecting bystanders. Jebu is now insisting that Rakhi was his legal bride and he’d do everything to ‘reclaim’ her.

The final episode was designed to have three surviving suitors standing next to each other while Rakhi headed enigmatically towards them to garland and choose one of them as her life partner, thus bringing an end to the reality show. Things unfolded just according to the script, until the solar eclipse played the spoilsport. It is still unclear how Jebu suddenly appeared at the scene during the eclipse only to end up being garlanded and becoming ‘the chosen one’ of Rakhi.

“He is a chor (thief)! When he saw darkness due to the eclipse, he tried to pick the pocket of Elesh (one of the suitors who is a businessman from Canada). I couldn’t see his face in darkness and garlanded him by mistake. I’m not going to marry that ugly chor at all! Rakhi Sawant deserves nothing less than a handsome hearty and honest King.” Rakhi fumed and alleged that Jebu had gone to the shooting spot to pick pockets.

But Jebu Kataria begs to differ. He categorically denied that he had any intentions of picking pockets when he sneaked into the shooting space. He says he was ‘divinely guided’ into his deeds.

“As soon as the Sun God got behind the Moon God, I could feel a strange force urging me to go near Rakhi. In that darkness, I could see Rakhi’s face glowing like neon signs. A divine message encrypted in those signs read that I and Rakhi were made for each other. I felt my feet moving by themselves towards Rakhi and I’m sure that it was God who guided Rakhi’s hands to put the garland around my neck. Rakhi is meant to be mine.” Jebu claimed.

Interestingly all the surviving suitors have declined to comment over the development. According to well placed sources, no one of the three is insisting that Rakhi should get another chance to pick her husband amongst them. All of them were busy packing their bags to go back and didn’t talk to media. One of the shooting crew members told Faking News that the suitors had refused to take part in any re-shoot as they believed that the show had reached its logical conclusion.

Legal experts have expressed differing opinions over the legality and validity of the marriage of Rakhi Sawant with Jebu Kataria. While some of the experts believed that Rakhi was not bound to marry Jebu just because he was garlanded, there were other who believed that the marriage was just and legal as per Hindu marriage act and Rakhi will have to accept Jebu as her husband.

Meanwhile residents of Udaipur were pleased at the possibility of Jebu getting married to Rakhi.

“Good riddance!” told one of the residents excitedly, though he denied explaining whether he meant it for Jebu or Rakhi.

‘Rakhi Ka Swayamvar’ gets notices from Gays and Government

Mumbai. The latest reality show on television “Rakhi Ka Swayamvar” has run into rough weather just before its first episode was to be telecast today. The producers have received two legal notices from two diverse groups – a Gay political party and the Ministry of Information and Broadcasting. The gay notice accuses the show of being discriminatory, while the government acted after some civil groups complained about forgery on the show. Producers have got one week to respond to both the notices.

The gay notice has been issued by the recently formed political party Bhartiya Samlaingik Party (BSP), which wonders why there are no girls among the suitors’ list of Rakhi Ka Swayamvar. As most of you would know, Rakhi Ka Swayamvar is a show where the great television actress Rakhi Sawant would marry one of the suitors (contestants of the reality show). There are sixteen suitors on the show, all of whom are apparently male.

“The show typecasts and reinforces a typical medieval mentality that a woman should marry only a man and vice versa. This is a retrogressive show, which is highly discriminatory to the homosexuals. We demand that a couple of women, preferably lesbians, are also inducted in the show and are given equal opportunity to compete.” BSP president Ahmed Anju Iyer told after taking part in a gay pride parade in Bengaluru.

Mr. Iyer dismissed the charges that such a demand interferes with the creative rights of the producers. He cited the instance of RPI(A) leader Ramdas Athavale accusing a television channel of bias when he was dropped as a contestant from the reality show “Big Boss”. Mr. Athavale had claimed discrimination on the grounds of him being a dalit and his supporters had attacked the offices of the television channel. BSP president didn’t rule out similar reaction from gay groups.

The producers of Rakhi Ka Swayamvar declined to comment on the charges of BSP, but our sources confirm that the gay notice has caused some high level meetings to take place in the channel to discuss the ramifications of the development. The agenda of such meetings also involved discussions on the other notice received from the government that accused the producers and the show of forgery.

The second notice was sent by the Ministry of Information and Broadcasting after various civil groups suspected that Rakhi Sawant was faking all the shyness, nervousness and excitement ahead of her televised marriage. The groups fear that such a shocking behaviour on-screen in their living rooms will have adverse impact on the younger generation. They dread that their kids might completely misunderstand the meaning of these feelings and emotions. These groups have termed Rakhi’s alleged make-believe expressions as “Silicon Shyness”.

“The show is full of plastic and silicon, there is hardly anything natural to witness and feel. Has the government wondered what kind of impact it will have on our children, who are the future of this country? Do we want a generation that has only plastic smiles and silicon shyness to offer? This ‘reality’ show is a travesty of reality, it’s nothing but forgery and it must be stopped immediately.” one of the civil society members told Faking News.

George Clooney hires psychic to contact dead pig

Some Place, USA. Hollywood actor George Clooney has hired a psychic to help him contact his pot-bellied pet Max, who died in 2006.

The Leatherheads star reportedly told a friend: "The psychic told me Max had a great life with me. He is very happy in spirit and still hangs out with me sometimes.

"I am not sure she was telling the truth but I do want to believe her."

The handsome actor was left devastated after 300lb Max passed away at home while the actor was promoting his movie The Good German.

Max, who had suffered from partial blindness and arthritis, had lived with George for 18 years and the pair often shared a bed.

The 48-year-old hunk regularly took Max to interviews and photo shoots and joked it was his longest-running relationship.

George said shortly after Max's death: "He was as old a pig as the vets had ever seen. He was a big part of my life. It's strange how animals become a big part of your family. They really become a big issue with you."

The Hollywood star vowed never to get another pig following the loss of the pet he affectionately called 'Max the star'.

(Disclaimer: this is NOT an original report by Faking News and has been reproduced here without permission from some apparently reliable news websites like this one. The only motive for posting this news report is to expose those sinners, good-for-nothing bullshitters and enemies of India who had mocked Bollywood superstar Amitabh Bachchan for having arranged a symbolic wedding between Abhishek Bachchan and a Tree as Abhishek was manglik. Thank God Big B did that a couple of years ago or those rascals would have accused our beloved superstar of copying Clooney.)

Porn star poses in clothes to protect animal rights

Las Vegas, USA. Renowned porn star Jenna Jameson has surprised everyone by posing fully dressed, covered from head to toe in clothes, to send out a strong signal to the world against cruelty to animals. Jameson wore fur to highlight the plight of animals that are killed by human beings to cover themselves. The event was organized by FALTU (Fur And Leather Things Unlawful) activists.

“I wanted to show how meaningless it was to have fur on your body. Why butcher animals and show their skin when the mankind takes notice only when you flash your own skin? I am confident that people would take notice and stop wearing fur from now on.” Jenna told Faking News.

This is first time when someone has posed in fur to oppose wearing fur. FALTU activists claimed that the event was the most important step ever taken to protect animal rights. But experts have differing opinions on whether such activism would have better impact than earlier occasions when celebrities posed in nude to campaign for animal rights.

“This is definitely a shocking and novel way to register protest but I’m not sure if people would stop wearing fur after this. Yeah, the Google search volumes for Fur, Leather, and Jenna surely would go up.” designer Kapda Kapadia told.

Shahrukh in first gay Bond movie?

Mumbai. Bollywood actor Shahrukh Khan could figure as the first 'Bond Guy' when British secret agent James Bond turns gay in the next movie, sources say. The rumors about Ian Fleming’s world famous spy turning gay has been doing rounds since the latest James Bond actor Daniel Craig had expressed confidence a couple of years back that fans would accept James Bond in a gay scene.

It was also believed that an Indian actress could play the role of the next Bond Girl, with Slumdog Millionaire actress Freida Pinto being the latest frontrunner, but it seems that Shahrukh Khan has beaten all the girls in the race to become Bond’s love interest. Sources say that by casting Shahrukh in a gay Bond movie, the producers have accomplished a masterstroke as the move could take James Bond movies’ appeal to two new groups – Indians and Gays.

“For long they have talked about Bond turning gay or an Indian playing Bond’s love interest, this is a beautiful way to realize both of the aspirations of the fans. I think the movie would be a sure shot success, though it will be difficult to tell the deciding factor of the success i.e. whether an Indian lover or being gay helped Bond. This would be one of the g(r)ay areas.” noted film critic Pan Pasand told Faking News.

Sources say that the Gay Bond movie would have Daniel Craig playing the lead role and could be titled one of these – The Man with the Golden Bum, The Spy Who Shoved Me, For Your Thighs Only, The Girl is not Enough, or Never Gay Ever Again.

Shahrukh Khan was not available for comment on the news, but another Bollywood superstar Amitabh Bachchan questioned the decision to cast Shahrukh in the movie as he thought that Abhishek Bachchan or John Abraham were best suited for the role after they played gays on screen in Dostana, a movie no less sensitive about gay issues than Milk. Mr. Bachchan called it a typical white mentality to disrespect domestic talent and thrust their bias upon Indians.

But Indian fans and Indian gays are happy over the possibility of seeing Shahrukh Khan in a Bond movie, and told that they would definitely visit multiplexes whenever the movie is produced and released and make it a mega hit.

Bappi Lahiri arrested for carrying excessive gold, blames Rahman

Mumbai. Disco King Bappi Lahiri was detained here by custom officials at international airport on charges of carrying more gold than allowed and not having declared its possession in advance. Most of the gold he carried was worn as chains, bracelets and other embellishment by Bappida, apart from a few gold lemons, flowers and toothbrush in his handbag. Bappida has been sent to judicial custody but his lawyers have approached the court for a bail.

“This is ridiculous. Why should Bappida declare something that has been known by the whole world? He is called a golden man even in foreign countries, do the custom officials don’t know it? Furthermore, he has traveled in all that gold many times by now, why didn’t they arrest him then? This is clearly a conspiracy against our client.” Mungeri Mafatlal, lawyer of Bappida argued.

While the lawyer was circumspect in blaming anyone, Bappida openly blamed musician A R Rahman for conspiring against him and bribing the custom officials to arrest him.

“Rahman is jealous of my growing popularity, he had to do such a thing is real pity. He might have won an Oscar by error, but I’m going to win a Grammy by this year. You think he gave you Jai Ho, but I had given you Ramba Ho. I might have been cheated, but I will not be defeated. Remember, I’m the golden man, you’re my golden fan.” Bappida told our correspondent while being taken away by the officials.

When contacted by Faking News, A R Rahman or his representatives refused to comment on the development, giving rise to speculations that all is not well between the two musicians.

Jeans with fingerprint reader buttons launched

Mumbai. Levi’s has announced arrival of special jeans trousers with fingerprint sensor buttons for the Indian market, especially for the rich and the famous. These trousers will unbutton only by the fingers of the original wearer. The buttons will first scan the fingerprints of the hands trying to unbutton the jeans and will yield only when the fingerprints match with those of the original wearers, which will be recorded at the time of sale.

Levi’s will include this new line of fingerprint reading jeans under the brand ‘unbuttons’, but won’t use the global campaign “Live Unbuttoned” for promotions. The company has retained the now Padma Shree Bollywood actor Akshay Kumar as the brand ambassador, who recently came under fire for indulging in an alleged obscene act while promoting the ‘unbuttons’ brand in a fashion show.

“We don’t want to hurt anyone’s sentiments. Clearly there were many people who didn’t like pants that could be opened by someone else other than the wearer. To stop recurrence of such instances, we decided to launch jeans that would simply refuse to get unbuttoned by someone else other than the wearer. I hope this should settle the controversy now. We request the aggrieved parties to buy our new line of fingerprint sensor jeans.” Levi’s press release told.

But the step has refused to pacify people who thought Akshay Kumar and Levi’s broke the limits of decency by performing the unbuttoning act. These activists and social workers claim that the actor and the company are not only trying to shirk the responsibility, but also trying to leverage a rather shameful incident for their publicity and promotions. The activists have questioned the rationale behind the launch of fingerprint sensor jeans.

“By launching fingerprint sensor jeans, is Levi’s trying to prove that it was just a lack of a technological feature in the jeans that caused that shameful unbuttoning act in public? Instead of correcting their conduct, they are trying to correct the costume. I guess this is the new form of wardrobe malfunction that we are seeing to promote fashion shows and brands.” Sunil Nair, one of the social workers offended by Akshay and Twinkle’s act, told Faking News.

Faking News tried to contact Akshay and Twinkle both to get their reactions but they refused to comment on the issue, although Akshay told that he was happy to see a fingerprint reading jeans and was looking forward to promote it among the Indian youth.

Meanwhile fashion gurus had mixed reactions to the latest offering by Levi’s. Leading designer Saari Kumar ridiculed the idea and claimed that no one will buy such a brand unless it was supplemented with a password feature, but another designer Kameez Khurrana thought it to be a ‘cool’ stuff. Although Khurrana cautioned the wearers that they can get embarrassed and dirty in public toilets if the fingerprint sensors stopped working.

Social thinkers too had mixed reactions. While some of them agreed with protestors and claimed that this was just a stunt to shift the onus of behavioral error from humans on to clothes, others claimed that such products were retrogressive in nature and would be taking human beings to the medieval era of chastity belts.

Indian Netaji is the new face of Joker

New Delhi. After an Indian actress was chosen for being the new face of Barbie doll, Indians have got to take pride in yet another international recognition from the global society. DC Comics has announced that an Indian politician would be the new face of the Joker of Batman series. Taking lessons from the confusions and tensions between Aishwarya Rai and Katrina Kaif on who was the latest face of Barbie doll, DC Comics has announced that the face of Joker would not resemble any identifiable Indian politician.

“Joker has been one of the most enigmatic and secretive negative characters in the world history. On some occasions he is criminal, cruel or sadistic, while on other occasions he is just ridiculous and funny. Over a long time we have tried different personalities to play the role of Joker, giving the Joker varying appearances. But our team has finally decided that nobody but an Indian politician fits the character of the Joker best.” DC Comics press release informed.

The decision by DC Comics has been widely appreciated by Indians and they feel that India in now truly becoming an international superpower.

“First Slumdog Millionaire, then Barbie doll, and now Joker – I feel so proud. Also, this is for the first time an Indian politician has brought us such a pride. Even a Pakistani politician couldn’t get his face on Osama dolls. I hope soon we have the Netaji Joker toys in the market. I just can’t wait!” Janta Sharma, a common Indian citizen told.

But the political class had mixed reactions to the news. Politicians belonging to different parties have declared that they will welcome the move only if the Joker was given an identifiable face from a rival party.

“We always knew Lalu Yadav was the ultimate Joker. They should have put Lalu’s face on the Joker. It doesn’t make sense to give the Joker a general face of Indian politician.” Bihar Chief Minister Nitish Kumar told Faking News.

Our sources inform us that the next Batman movie will include the Netaji Joker character. An Indian actor could play the role of Joker, auditions for which would soon start in different cities of India. Samajwadi Party leader Amar Singh, who recently acted in a movie, is tipped to be the hot favorite to play the role, though Mr. Singh denied any such possibility.

In the possible plot, Netaji Joker would be a common jobless Indian who would fall into a container full of currencies, weapons and toxic waste and would come out with bleached khaadi clothes and big blood-thirsty-red lips. There would be a slight difference with earlier Jokers of Batman series with the Netaji Joker having his khaadi attire whiter than his face.

But there would not be much of a difference with earlier Jokers on other counts, for example Netaji Joker's victims too would include innocent and unsuspecting men, women, children, and even his own henchmen. In the movie, Netaji Joker would raise an army of lawyers, journalists, policemen, businessmen, and criminals to subjugate common people, who would wish that Batman came and rescued them.

The movie has been titled “Waiting for Batman” and a formal announcement would be made on April 16, 2009 by the producers.

Book authored by an internet bot launched

Mumbai. “Athrah baras ka main”, a book authored by a bot i.e. an automated software application, was released in a star-studded ceremony here today. The book is written in Hindi and is a work of fiction telling the story of an Indian boy who could freeze the process of his biological and mental ageing at the age of eighteen. The story has been written by an internet bot named i2writev3.1 that was programmed by an unknown software engineer a few years back.

“It’s a wonderful book and a very original story. I guess we need more of such experiments in India to produce quality literature in Indian languages, especially Hindi. I’m tempted to make a movie out of it, let me tell you.” renowned Bollywood director Karan Khan, who was also the chief guest of the book launch ceremony, told Faking News.

The author, being a software program, was not available for the comment, but publishers of the book expressed hoped that this will start a new trend in India and inspire new writers to write books. The book has been published by Sasta Sahitya Sangrahalaya and it retains the full ownership, copyright and distribution rights over “Athrah baras ka main”. The book has been priced at rupees 67.39 rupees per copy.

While everyone present at the launch ceremony welcomed the new book, it also drew serious flak from some critics who slammed the book for being clichéd and non-original. Many experts believed that the book was a rip-off from the Bryan Adams song “18 till I die”, but refused to explain the basis of their belief.

“Such kinds of books have been written, rewritten, and written over again in Hindi for long time now. Hind readers deserve better. Such kind of stuff must not be promoted and encouraged.” Nirmala Neeraj, a Hindi book critic voiced her concern.

Critics also expressed dismay and lack of hope over any possibility that situation could improve in near future. Our sources confirm that the bot i2writev3.1 has been copied by many Bollywood movie producers who want it to write scripts and screenplay for their next movies to save costs in times of global economic slowdown.

Exclusive interview with Masakali of Delhi-6

Old Delhi. While every news channel was busy interviewing Abhishek Bachchan and Sonam Kapoor for the recently released movie Delhi-6, Faking News decided to interview the real artist of the movie – Masakali, the pigeon. The marketing managers of Delhi-6 had approached us to carry out interviews of Abhishek or Sonam, but we decided otherwise. This is the second time we are foregoing humans to interview a pigeon, as we truly believe in bird rights.

We caught up with Masakali when she was having golgappa and chaat in Chandni Chowk (now known as Delhi-6). Initially she refused to talk to us as she was very upset and unhappy with the amount of chili powder used by the chaatwala, but after persistent requests Masakali agreed for an exclusive interview. Following are the highlights of the interview:

Faking News (FN): Thanks a lot Miss Masakali for talking to us. The movie has received good reception on box-office, are you happy?

Miss Masakali (MM): Yes, I’m happy. The movie’s success is a message for producers and directors to cast more birds and animals. Remember, apart from me, kaala bandar or the Monkeyman is also there in this movie. People want to see more variety and new faces now.

FN: Yes, true, all pigeons must be very happy too. You can as well launch a party of pigeons and contest the coming general elections like actors in South India! he he he (our reporter tried to act smart ass).

MM: First of all, I’m not a pigeon, I’m a dove (Masakali showed how smart our reporter actually was) and I have no plans to become a politician. I’m just too white for this gray job, which is best rested with humans. Even the pigeons don’t like politics, they are notorious for dropping bird-crap on statutes of politicians, so I guess politics is out of question. Thanks for the appreciation though.

FN: Did you have to prepare especially for this role or it came naturally to you?

MM: I was playing a dove, so it came naturally to me. But this shouldn’t typecast me. I can play all kinds of roles given a chance. In fact just yesterday I got an offer by Farah Khan to play a romantic lead opposite Shahrukh in her next movie where SRK dies and is reborn as a pigeon in his next life.

FN: Wow! So are you signing that movie?

MM: I am yet to take a decision, but I want do films that could win Oscars. I hope Danny Boyle takes notice of me as he likes to make movies on Indian birds and animals. I heard that his movie on slumdogs of India has won him many awards.

FN: All the best for that, you definitely would get noticed as the most popular song of the movie is dedicated to you. Last time when a dove was cast in a movie (Maine Pyar Kiya) they had referred to her as Kabootar, but not this time. But tell us, why do directors always cast doves instead of pigeons?

MM: Although you should ask this question to the producers and directors, I’d try to give you an answer. As I see it, there could be only two reasons – firstly, pigeons crap too much. Can you imagine Sonam putting a pigeon on her head while dancing? She could have got a bird-dropping anytime over her face or hairs, doves don’t crap that often. Secondly, and I guess more importantly, doves are preferred over pigeons because we are fairer in skin color. We are white and they are brown. Indians are known to prefer white complexion over brown.

FN: Do you think there should be a quota for pigeons in Bollywood?

MM: Oh no! I hope humans don’t thrust their sense of fairness and equity over we pigeons. I now dread that your politicians would make the brown pigeons hate us white doves, and make them feel as if the doves were taking away their rights of acting, when in reality it’s the humans who are perpetrators of this discrimination. I would be more than happy if brown pigeons are cast in the movies, but I don’t think quota is the way. Humans have to change their mindset.

FN: Delhi-6 touches upon problems of communalism, casteism, social harmony, and other aspects, but it doesn’t talk about bird rights. Do you think Rakeysh could have done a better job?

MM: sigh! Okay, I will ask Rakeysh to make a movie on this theme next time. Till then, can you please enjoy and critique this movie for what it is, and not for what it is not?

FN: Do you have a boyfriend?

MM: Do you have a life? (flutters her wings furiously) dude, I don’t appreciate such personal questions. Maybe I have not grown into a true celebrity. Perhaps to answer your questions, I need to become more popular and attend some MTV shows or take part in Big Boss 3. So excuse me with such silly questions for now.

FN: You are very short-tempered. Were you so since your egghood?

MM: (laughs) Sorry for appearing so, but my aunty says that I should show some tantrums when talking to media persons. She says it will help me in the long run.

FN: One last question, when do you think the economic slowdown in India will end?

MM: I wonder why you guys (journalists) ask all right questions to wrong people. People like you make Bollywood actresses appear silly when they declare Nepal as a part of India, refer Republic day as a ‘holiday other than Independence Day’, and identify Sonia Gandhi as the ‘first lady of India’. I am not going to fall for the bait!

FN: Very smart! Okay, so the last question finally, where do you see yourself five years down the line?

MM: Hopefully as an unchanged and stronger symbol of world peace, in a world not torn by strife. Those are my only hope and pray.

Faking News: Wonderful Miss Masakali. It was indeed nice talking to you.

Miss Masakali: My pleasure!

Slumdog Millionaire changes the Indian society

Mumbai. The popularity of British movie Slumdog Millionaire, widely confused to be an Indian movie by the innocent Indians, is taking shape of a craze and fad now. After the movie won 8 Academy Awards, widely known as Oscar awards, every Indian has become a fan and follower of Slumdog. Indian slum dogs, also frowned upon as stray dogs till yesterday, are getting respect and love never seen before in the Indian society.

People were seen cleaning and feeding slum dogs in many parts of the country. Many people queued up to buy or adopt these slum dogs, which inspired a few unemployed investment bankers to open a trading house for slum dogs. These bankers turned dog-sellers changed the names of most of the slum dogs into English ones before putting a price tag on them.

“I have just bought a female dog named Lassie, she is so cute even with the fleas on her left ear. My friends living in London are now jealous of me and are asking me to send them pups of Lassie, whenever they are born. I feel so important.” Sourav Roy, a resident of Colaba, told Faking News.

The movie has also given a chance to the forgotten MNS leader Raj Thackeray to come back to mainline politics. He claimed that his pet dogs James and Bond were actually slum dogs, and if he was a millionaire today, it was all due to those canine friends, and not corruption, as was the case with leaders from Bihar and Uttar Pradesh.

Raj Thackeray also advised Indian companies to start promoting slum dogs instead of foreign breeds of dogs in their marketing campaigns. His polite request, denial of which would have attracted polite protests from his supporters, was quickly accepted by Mobile telephony company Vodafone, which changed its trademark Pug with a Slumdog.

Many experts believed that Supreme Court’s decision to stay the Bombay High Court verdict allowing municipal authorities in Maharashtra to kill stray dogs was also inspired by the success of the movie. Faking News tried to contact Chief Justice to get an opinion but we were threatened with the possibility of getting sued for contempt of court, so we dropped the idea and effort.

The sudden fascination of Indians with slum dogs has also created ripples in the online world, with netizens debating the causes and effects of it. While the effects were visible everywhere in the society, the causes remained elusive. While some people maintained that Movies, along with Cricket and Politics, were the greatest influencers on the Indian psyche, some people blamed it on the slavish mentality of the Indians.

“It shouldn’t be a matter of surprise or research. Indian society is known to acknowledge the merits of anything desi (domestic) only after firangs (foreigners) have acknowledged the same. It happened with Swami Vivekanand, it happened with Mahatma Gandhi, and now it’s happening with Slumdog.” Vijay Dinanath Chauhan, a famous sociologist, commented about the trend on his blog.

Whatever be the reason, the saying “every dog has its day” has come alive with the success of Slumdog Millionaire.

Shahrukh’s mobile stolen, fake SMS sent to many

Mumbai. “dada, u r fired. go join politics, sell fish in Kolkata, or dance shirtless with Sallu. I dont need u nemore. ur last chek stands canceled. bye bye.” Former Indian cricket captain Sourav Ganguly was shocked to receive this SMS today morning, as the sender was his IPL team owner Shahrukh Khan. Dada frantically called up Knight Riders managers and SRK’s secretary, and was finally relieved to know that it was some miscreant who had stolen SRK’s mobile phone and was sending fake SMS to various contacts.

Apart from Ganguly, Samajwadi Party leader Amar Singh also received an SMS, which claimed that SRK was willing to join his party and fight elections from Mumbai. Congress leader Rahul Gandhi received an SMS informing him that he was hot and SRK liked his dimples when he smiled, while Director Karan Johar recived an SMS with just three words – talaaq talaaq talaaq.

SRK’s mobile was stolen when he was hospitalized for his shoulder operation at Breach Candy hospital. This security breach at the hospital has left the doctors at the hospital shocked, who were otherwise in a mood to celebrate a successful operation on the superstar’s left shoulder. The hospital authorities declined to comment on the development, but we could talk to the security man of the parking area.

“I had told them many times to paste stickers like jebkataron se saawdhaan (beware of pickpockets) or mareez apne saamaan ki suraksha swaym karein (patients should take care of their belongings of their own), but they thought such messages are down-market. Now they’ll have to pay heavy damages to Shahrukh.” R R Patil, one of the security men employed at the hospital, told Faking News.

But it seems Shahrukh is in good mood these days. First he easily agreed to drop the name ‘barber’ from his latest movie “Billu Barber”, and now he has categorically denied any possibility of suing the Breach Candy administration for the security lapse.

“Their job was to operate on my shoulder and not take care of my mobile phone. Inshaallah, everything went all right. I have no complaints against them. I just appeal to the person who has stolen my mobile to not to send any SMS to Amir or Salman. If he can return it, it would be even better.” Shahrukh told.

But SRK’s generosity hasn’t impressed his detractors who think this is just another publicity stunt by the movie star. Such people have started a community/group on orkut and facebook with the name “Shahrukh is a cheater”. Surprisingly, a lot of people have joined these groups as well.

Meanwhile a local lawyer has announced that he’d file a defamation suit against these people for insulting SRK. He also announced filing a case against the undefined mobile thief charging him/her for impersonation, harassment, and compromise on public safety. He might also file a case for theft, if the need be.

Billu Barber banned in Jamaica

Kingston, Jamaica. Bollywood superstar Shahrukh Khan’s upcoming film Billu Barber has been banned in Jamaica after many people accused the movie of glorifying a profession that was inimical to local customs. Shahrukh has been asked to apologize to Jamaican people, especially the Rastafarians, for hurting their sentiments.

“Barbers are bad people. If they had their way, they would remove all dreadlocks from the world. They are the main reason why Rastafari movement died as people started sporting new hairstyles invented by them. We can’t allow a movie that glorifies barberism (sic.)” Mob Marley, president of Rastafarian People of Jamaica (RPJ), told Faking News.

According to reports, RPJ has written a letter to Akali Dal of India to support their demands to pressurize Shahrukh Khan into apologizing and getting the movie banned in India as well. RPJ representatives believe that Sikhs, who don’t get their hairs shaved or cut, too must be disliking barbers and would support them in getting the movie off screen in India and maybe in France too.

RPJ members were also banking on the fact that Punjab, where Sikhs are in majority, was one of the first Indian states to ban a Bollywood movie Aaja Nachle for hurting sentiments of a community, and had recently got another Bollywood superstar Akshay Kumar to apologize for his movie Singh is Kinng. Also, with religious angle coming into picture, the issue would have attracted political support in India, RPJ hoped.

While Akali Dal was yet to respond to these appeals and suggestions from Rastafarians, the movie Billu Barber did get into trouble in India as ‘The Salon and Beauty Parlours Association’ of India demanded that the word ‘barber’ be dropped from the movie name as it was derogatory. Some of the RPJ members were livid when they got the news that Shahurkh had accepted their demand.

“Their whole profession is derogatory, not just the name. I can’t understand why our sentiments were not respected while their demand was accepted by your superstar. We would not allow any Jamaican player to play for his IPL team Knight Riders. The man will repent.” Mob Marley protested.

Faking News tried to get the reaction of Shahrukh Khan over the whole issue but he declined to talk to us. But our sources confirm that SRK, as Shahrukh is called popularly, has hired an Independent Risk Consulting firm for his upcoming films after the whole episode. His next project was to be titled Mallu Machhuara (the fisherman from Kerala) and could have got into trouble.

Why Chand Mohammad dumped Fiza?

Chandigarh. Faking News has succeeded in establishing a new standard in investigative journalism by finding out the reasons behind the recent spat between loving-leader Chand Mohammad alias Chander Mohan and adoring-advocate Fiza alias Anuradha Bali. The suddenly sour love-story between the two love-birds had aroused huge public interest and we decided to carry out the investigation in deference to this public interest.

Our sources confirm that Chander Mohan was sent as a spy by his family to Anuradha Bali, who just knew too many things about the family by virtue of being an advocate. Chander Mohan’s family, which is also the family of Bhajan Lal and one of the most influential families of Haryana politics, had confided a lot of secrets to the advocate Anuradha in good faith, but they didn’t know that Anuradha was actually carrying out a sting operation on them.

When the Bhajan Lal family came to know about Anuradha’s stinging steps, they decided to perform a reverse sting operation on her. They convinced Chander Mohan, at that time the deputy Chief Minister of Haryana, to trap Anuradha in his love and destroy any evidences that she might have amassed against the family. A leading Bollywood script-writer and director was hired to guide Chander Mohan in this reverse sting operation.

Everything went according to the script and finally Anuradha Bali was won over by Chander Mohan’s fake love. Chander Mohan started pressurizing her to get married as soon as possible. Being an advocate, Anuradha thought of converting to Islam as Hindu marriage laws would have required adhering to a lot of pre-marital steps before they got married. She didn’t know that she was further getting caught in the trap by finding this short-cut. Finally they married as Muslims and went honeymooning like movie stars.

During the honeymoon period, Chander Mohan or Chand Mohammad, used to search all the belongings of Anuradha Bali or Fiza, when she slept and moon was out in the sky during the night. If only Fiza would have understood that the Muslim name ‘Chand’ i.e. moon had a clue to the whole conspiracy. The hired Bollywood script-writer had provisioned for this clue out of habit. Fiza slept peacefully while Chand shone at his job.

Finally when Chand Mohammad got all the documents, CDs, clothes, cash, etc. that could have acted as admissible evidence against his family in a court of law, he did the vanishing act. He dumped Fiza after faking a rediscovered love for his earlier wife and children. Fiza woke up to see a bright sun that almost blinded her sight.

Faking News was threatened by a movie company against publishing this report as they wanted to make a Bollywood film out of this plot, but we decided to ignore the threats and bring out the truth to the public.

India’s first gay cartoon character launched

Mumbai. Leading cartoonist Karan Khan has announced the arrival of his latest creation – a frog called Gaydhak (गेढक). Gaydhak has orange spots on its largely green skin, and walks upright like human beings. It leaps only when it sees a fellow male frog, which gives it a gay character and makes it the first gay cartoon hero of India. Gaydhak will soon be seen in one of the leading newspapers in India as a daily comic strip.

“We Indians are becoming more and more accepting and liberal. Many people are now publicly accepting that they are gay and I thought it was high time when we had a gay cartoon hero as well. Gaydhak is a tribute to India’s pluralism.” Karan Khan told, hoping that adventures of the gay frog will remove misconceptions and prejudices against homosexuals in India.

When asked why he had not made Gaydhak wear his underwear over his dress, as is the case with most of the superheroes, Karan Khan clarified that he didn’t want gays to be perceived as superhuman but as normal people. Karan further informed that Gaydhak didn’t possess any special powers and would not rescue the world from evil forces. He would be a normal gay living in a fictitious place called 'Gaytham City'.

The adventures of Gaydhak will be published in one of the leading newspapers, name of which was not disclosed by Karan due to ‘professional reasons’. The mystery has caused a lot of curiosity among people, who are planning to buy all newspapers tomorrow morning to read the inaugural strip. But a controversy too is brewing among all this mystery and curiosity.

Although Karan Khan denied it, but our sources confirm that some Hindu groups have threatened to blacken the face of Karan Khan if he went ahead and launched Gaydhak. Faking News received an e-mail sent by a group, calling itself Amar Hindu Sena (AHS), which claimed that Gaydhak was hurtful to Hindu sentiments and had potential of defiling young Hindu minds.

“There are saffron spots on the frog, which Karan Khan has deliberately put to hurt Hindu sentiments. In traditional Hindu culture, a frog has been a symbol of rain and happiness but this is a Muslim conspiracy to erode Hindu traditions. Karan Khan will have to pay dearly for this.” the e-mail threatened.

Within minutes of receiving this e-mail, we received another threatening e-mail from a group calling itself Ahl Hadees Sipaah (AHS), which claimed that Gaydhak was unislamic in character and hurtful to Muslim sentiments. The group has given an ultimatum to Karan Khan to take back Gaydhak or at least change its color of skin to non-green, failing which the cartoonist will be beheaded.

Despite Faking News making these e-mails public, Karan Khan refused to comment on the controversy and told that he would rather concentrate on adventures of Gaydhak. But rights group expressed outrage over such threats and have asked the government to provide police protection to the cartoonist. Government has assured of taking appropriate steps in this regard.

Meanwhile some parents too expressed unhappiness over possibility of a gay cartoon becoming famous among their children. These parents have decided to beat up their children if they followed adventures of Gaydhak, although they expressed interest to know more about the gay frog.

Ekta Kapoor denies piracy charge by Abdullahs

Srinagar. The first action from the Abdullah dynasty, upon the third-generation cub of ‘Sher-e-Kashmir’ Sheikh Abdullah ascending to the throne to become the youngest Chief Minister of Indian part of the territory, has not particularly endeared it to crores of proud Indians. The Abdullahs seem to be buying trouble by attempting to harass Ekta Kapoor, the chief of Balaji Telefilms. The company has incidentally filed for changing its name to Saas Bahu Corporation Inc (SBCI).

Everyone knows that the most important task of anyone capable of making noise in India is to watch the immensely popular creations of the soap czarina. Her characters develop immense pride in the millenniums-old culture and traditions of the nation than any mythological being has ever done. In fact, the streeottam (ideal female) Saas-cum-Bahu of Ekta Kapoor’s longest running version of the soap has overtaken Ram, the purushottam (ideal male) and his only wife.

Several Ekta fans attempted suicide when the company decided to take the version off air. Many people believed that SBCI was ‘killing’ the serial. The company had termed it as a figment of imagination “even beyond our capability”. It had finalized the characters’ reincarnation before stopping its telecast. Yet, the streeottam and her devotees went to court against the decision.

It was a hell of a job for lawyers to convince the judges that there was no need for interference; after all, the issue was far removed from confirming the place of birth of Ram, the case for which is going on and on and on. Hardly had the soap team settled back to creative affairs when it got a legal notice from Srinagar.

“On behalf of my clients Molie Abdullah and Payal Abdullah, we demand to preview and censor each every episode of the TV serial you are allegedly producing for exhibition across India,” reads the notice, a copy of which is available with Faking News. It may be noted that Payal is Omar Abdullah’s better half while Molie is married to his father Farooq.

The notice alleges that the plot of the new project of SBCI - Angrezi Saas aur Bharatiya Bahu - has been pirated from the happenings in the Sher’s den. Ekta was understandably disturbed when Faking News contacted her for her comments. She was concerned that the descendents of Sher-e-Kashmir enjoy much more destructive influence than Chhuchhundars of media outfits like us.

“We could have made ‘Kyunki Saas bhi . . . ‘ go on and on for another ten years. However, we wanted to do full justice to ‘Angrezi Saas aur Bharatiya Bahu’. While the former united people in every state of India in an unprecedented manner, the latter is meant to catch the imagination of people overseas. The whole world will then look up to India,” Ekta said.

Sources say that the reservations of the Abdullahs are not entirely baseless. They can’t be faulted for highlighting that the Angrezi Saas refers to Molie, who is English, and Bharatiya Bahu to Payal, a Punjabi. Although Ekta claims that the entire story line was a result of divine inspiration to save Indian culture, it does appear to take off from the family.

The clout that the family enjoys in the corridors of power in New Delhi is not the same as when the Sheikh was caged by the Jawaharlal Nehru, the founder of the ‘other’ dynasty, originally from Kashmir. But with the two dynasties mollycoddling each other now, it is very possible that the launch of the next kahani may get indefinitely delayed.

It is not that the misfortune is due to the dropping of K factor from the title of the soap. SBCI has of course taken care of that, adding Kahani and ki at the beginning and end of ‘Angrezi Saas aur Bharatiya Bahu’. A company spokesperson ridiculed the charge that it was out to exploit the other K-factor – Kashmir Factor – to claim cheep publicity. “If our characters happen to resemble anyone else, it is entirely coincidental,” he declared.

(This exclusive scoop has been brought to you by chhuchhundarbaba)

RGV dumps Ritiesh, to star Ajmal Kasab in ‘Patriot’

Mumbai. The controversy over the visit of Ram Gopal Varma to the Taj Mahal Palace & Tower as part of the VIP team soon after the November 2008 Mumbai attacks has done more damage to the Deshmukhs than originally thought. Apart from contributing to the sack of Maharashtra Chief Minister Vilasrao Deshmukh, who led the entourage of ‘site-seeing’ VIPs, it has cost dearly to his son Ritiesh.

Ritiesh Deshmukh was one of the honorable members of the team. Jealous rivals in the industry had set up certain television journalists to raise a big hue and cry. They shouted from rooftops that Varma was trying to cash in on the tragedy, which only the local channels had the rightful legitimacy for. The junket stoked speculations that the up-and-coming – courtesy his illustrious father – bit actor would be doing a lead role in a new RGV movie.

Lead characters of Ram Gopal’s creations have always been dons and gangsters, like in real life India. His real-life based thrillers like Satya, Sarkar, Company etc have been runaway hits. In a significant departure, Varma is now trying to do a ‘Bharat’ Manoj Kumar and has named the new project ‘Patriot’.

Propped up by such a positive role, the Deshmukhs calculated, Maharashtra could in due course do an Andhra Pradesh or Tamil Nadu. There is no separator line between real-life CMs and reel-life hero/heroines in these States.

The junior Deshmukh has not done particularly well so far in Bollywood. A movie by Ram Gopal Varma could have lifted him from oblivion to the top league. He did entertain hopes of starring in ‘Patriot’, despite the father getting the boot in the wake of the terror attack. After all, Indian politicos never lose their clout and have a knack of coming back from wilderness with a bang. Alas, the ace director has poured ice cold water in the hopes.

In a special interview with Faking News’ (dis)honourary correspondent Chhuchhundarbaba, Ram Gopal Varma disclosed that he has zeroed in on the most appropriate actor for playing ‘Patriot’.

“I won’t call him a new face,” the innovative director confessed: “My hero’s CCTV images had been flashed from Mumbai’s VT station to the entire world, so he is quite a familiar face to millions.”

RGV’s new icon will be none other than the lone survivor from the terror team that laid siege on Mumbai, Md Ajmal Amir, alias Kasab (or Qasab).

“I don’t care if he hails from Faridkot as Pranabda claims. That way, isn’t L K Advani from Sindh too?” the director posed. Kasab has another factor in his favour. He is now lodged in the same dungeon in Arthur Road jail that once housed the Bollywood superhero Sanjubaba (No relation to Chhuchhundarbaba). It is rumored that the ‘senior’ will make a special appearance in what is touted to become the biggest blockbuster of the decade.

Poor Ritiesh can hardly claim to be a better bet than such a super duper rival. His powerful, doting father had allegedly bungled his chances, once earlier. In 2005, the snobbish brat had been implicated in a brawl at Pune’s Fire N Ice nightclub along with Aftab Shivdasani, which could have given him the honor of going to jail. Instead, political muscle was allegedly used to settle scores and the club’s licence was revoked.

It may be noted that immediately after the Taj Hotel fiasco, the then CM’s spin doctors called in chaps from some rival TV channels to douse the fire (not in the hotel). Footage had been compiled which quoted RGV as clarifying that the CM had summoned him, not as a film director, but as an engineer.

Vilasrao even declared in the footage, “Many people do not know that Ram Gopal is a Civil Engineer by profession. He holds a real degree, unlike some visionary nuclear scientists who use the prefix of Dr without toiling. Also, RGV has constructed, destroyed and reconstructed so many impressive sets for his films.”

Naturally, Varma was needed to assess the likely cost of reconstruction. He did not go to visualize a suitable set for a movie based on the carnage. The channels selected to educate viewers about this ‘truth’ backtracked at the last moment upon getting a grave threat. It is alleged that Narayan Rane was the mastermind behind the conspiracy. Enjoying excellent clout with the Delhi dynasty, he had declared a war on Deshmukhs even before the war on terror was thought of.

Transcripts in the possession of Faking News confirm that his aides had cautioned the channels to not proceed further. They were advised that Rane was destined to ascend the gaddi soon and any attempt at bailing out his arch rival would not be in their interests.

(This exclusive scoop has been brought to you by chhuchhundarbaba)

Aamir faces another lawsuit over Ghajini

New Delhi. Goldie, the Goldfish, has decided to sue Aamir Khan’s Ghajini. Upset by the lack of credit given to the Goldfish’s short-term memory, Goldie has asked the Delhi High Court for a stay.

“People say Ghajini has taken inspiration from Memento, but what they do not know is that Aamir had approached Goldie for inputs on how to deal with short-term memory” is what Goldie’s lawyer had to say.

Goldie Behl, also a key witness, had little to say, but interestingly has no recollection of Drona.

The Goldfish fearing that his memory problem might hamper the case has tattooed most of the case facts on himself.

(the news story has been submitted by Lapet, a reader of Faking News, through email)