Wednesday, December 31, 2008

Aamir faces another lawsuit over Ghajini

Ghajini Ke TaareNew Delhi. Goldie, the Goldfish, has decided to sue Aamir Khan’s Ghajini. Upset by the lack of credit given to the Goldfish’s short-term memory, Goldie has asked the Delhi High Court for a stay.

“People say Ghajini has taken inspiration from Memento, but what they do not know is that Aamir had approached Goldie for inputs on how to deal with short-term memory” is what Goldie’s lawyer had to say.

Goldie Behl, also a key witness, had little to say, but interestingly has no recollection of Drona.

The Goldfish fearing that his memory problem might hamper the case has tattooed most of the case facts on himself.

(the news story has been submitted by Lapet, a reader of Faking News, through email)

Read the complete Report and Comment

Tuesday, December 30, 2008

The Great Indian Sex Survey

WARNING! If you are under 18 years of age, close this window NOW!


Okay, at least close that door man…

Indian Couple
New Delhi. Like a responsible media unit taking care of public ‘interest’, Faking News too has come up with a sex survey revealing the most secret and sensuous details of sex lives of Indians. The survey has thrown many surprises and has helped understand the innermost desires of Indian couples. We bring to you some of the highlights and findings of The Great Indian Sex Survey.

  • Contrary to the popular belief, there were no major differences between Hindu and Muslim way of sex.

  • The rich Indians valued sex highly, the poor thought it cheap.

  • On an average this year, a married Indian couple had indulged in sex five times a week, two times out of which was with the consent of the wife.

  • Indian male was still stuck up with the number 36 24 36 – that was the average number of times in a year when he thought about having sex with a female, mostly of human species.

  • Young Indians had no qualms establishing physical relationships with the opposite sex without any plans of getting married. They thought it no different than renting and living in an apartment without any plans of buying it.

  • For sex related problems, most of the men still relied on Hashmi Dawakhana (Amroha), Sablok Clinic (Delhi) or Japani Tel (Japanese oil); rest of them denied having any problem whatsoever.

  • Many Indian men thought that foreplay was a new rule introduced in 20-20 cricket matches by ICC.

  • Some men admitted popping in Viagra to improve performance, women thought it crazy to swallow.

  • Young men found porn movies informative, young women found them weird.

  • Many young women wondered why their boyfriends insisted on not taking off their stockings or footwear during sex.

  • Indian women were still very secretive about oral sex, very few of them opened their mouth.

  • Women continued to fake orgasms and men sizes.

  • It was found out that while in western countries kissing breasts was taken as a mark of respect by the woman, the Indian woman desired to be kissed on their buttocks to be conveyed that respect.

  • The average duration of sex was unknown, but everyone, especially the husband, claimed it to be higher than their neighbors.

  • Many more couples were talking sex than before, but not amongst themselves.

  • The favorite place by couples to have sex continued to be the bedroom, but the fantasy choices were varied – parliament, Pakistan, Qutub Minar, on a boat, on a railway berth – in that order.

  • Around 69% of the wives suspected their husbands of having an extra marital affair. 99% of the husbands suspected their wives of not trusting them enough.

  • Cheating husbands were confident that their wives would forgive them for adultery as they didn’t have a choice.

  • Cheating husbands were confident that their wives could not indulge in adultery as they didn’t have a choice.

  • One night stands grew by over 78% over last year, mostly paid.

    (The above survey was carried out in thirteen major cities in India and a total of 539 respondents were interviewed, out of which 289 were men and rest were women. 129 married couples were interviewed out of which… Do you really care about such statistics in such surveys?)

  • Read the complete Report and Comment

    Saturday, December 27, 2008

    Pakistan arrests Indian parrot for spying

    Indian spyKarachi, Pakistan. As a further concrete proof of India engineering terrorist and illegal activities in Pakistan, Pakistani officials arrested an Indian parrot on charges of spying. The parrot, who has been living in Pakistan for almost three years now, was reportedly repeating some code words of Pakistani army when the alert officials apprehended him.

    “This spy parrot has been living under the name of Mitthu Miyaan, but his real name is Sugga Shukla and his home is the Indian city of Kolkata. He was trying to pass critical information related to our armed forces to his Indian bosses.” Pakistani general and the Chief of Army Staff Ashfaq Parvez Kayani told media persons.

    Kayani also informed that the same parrot has been working as a mimicry artist in Indian embassy in London three years back and had a dubious record of remembering secret words and repeating them. Kayani parried the question on how could the parrot gain an entry to secret and strategic army meetings, where he learnt the code words.

    Meanwhile a bird seller of Faridkot in Multan province claimed that the arrested parrot was his and was forcibly taken away by Pakistani forces, who didn’t even pay him the price for the parrot.

    “Mitthu is mine and I had trained him to repeat some words from my son’s textbooks. I don’t know what is this talk about secret codes, they must be in those books. Whatever are the reasons, but I should at least have been paid the price of Mitthu which would have earned me at least 700 rupees.” Azmal Gulab, the birdseller told Geo TV, a leading Pakistani news channel.

    Pakistani officials refused to comment on this aspect and they told that they would meet Azmal Gulab and clear his misconceptions forever. They also informed that the arrested parrot would be paraded before visiting CIA and FBI officials and the international community would be asked to put pressure on India to close its terror hubs against Pakistan.

    Read the complete Report and Comment

    Thursday, December 25, 2008

    Faking News completes 101 days of flushing news

    Actually the norm is to celebrate a century, but we couldn’t notice it when we completed a century of days of existence. Now one day later when we realize it, we are trying to make news out of it. So raise a toast for the leading Indian satire and humor website Faking News.

    In fact, we would also make a virtue out of it. Today is Christmas (important both for Muslims and Christians) we have 108 (a number considered to be pious by Hindus) reports by now, while we make fun of everyone (relevant to Sikhs/Sardars) – which means we truly represent India. So raise a toast again, and we will wish you a Merry Christmas and Happy New Year ahead.

    Anyway, Faking News started, with the domain name booked, on 15th September 2008, and first news reports started following immediately. We later found out that 15th September 2008 had some significance apart from being the birthday of Faking News. It was actually the first International Day of Democracy, a fact we otherwise would have never known till democracy would have gone missing again in the neighborhood.

    Our team had planned a mega launch of Faking News on that day. An opening ceremony, which would have surpassed the grandeur of Beijing Olympics in extravaganza, was intended. Our team had rejected fifteen little girls who were not pretty enough to sing the opening song, and had got eleven exclusive media partners to broadcast the show.

    But as fate had it, our bankers Lehman Brothers went bankrupt the same day and everyone from the event manager to the ticket seller deserted our plans of a ceremony and we had a very quite launch – just a few mouse-clicks were heard, and they were not lip-synced by the way.

    Now after 101 days, we find ourselves gaining some attention and appreciation from some people, and we hope that one day we’ll have that great ceremony organized.

    A heartfelt thanks to our readers by Pagal Patrakar and friends

    Read the complete Report and Comment

    Wednesday, December 24, 2008

    Manmohan gets six-pack abs, Pakistan furious

    SupermanmohanNew Delhi. Indian Prime Minister Manmohan Singh surprised the whole world today by showing his six-pack abs. He wore a Spartan costume exposing his abs when he came for an emergency cabinet meeting on domestic security. While his new abs drew reactions ranging from admiration to ridicule, it attracted serious objection from Pakistan.

    Islamabad termed the ab-exposure by the Indian prime minister as a concrete ‘proof’ that India was preparing for war against Pakistan. It declared that the country was ready to take on any hostility from India.

    “This is madness. Manmohan Singh should choose his costumes carefully, as they may be his last as a prime minister. We want peace but India has been inciting us no end. If a war is thrust upon us, we are ready for it.” Pakistani Prime Minister Yousuf Raza Gilani issued a statement in Pakistani parliament, and assured that soon he’ll develop better abs than those of Manmohan Singh.

    India has dismissed Pakistan’s reactions as ‘frivolous’. New Delhi has asked Islamabad to work on controlling terrorists operating from Pakistani soil instead of getting worked up upon silly things. Foreign Minister Pranab Mukherjee told that Manmohan Singh’s costume didn’t signify any belligerent approach but was only a reaffirmation of the fact that all options were ‘open’ for India.

    But within India itself, Manmohan Singh drew mixed reactions from different quarters. CPM and other left parties have criticized Mr. Singh for being a blind follower of the USA, and has asked Mr. Singh to scrap the nuclear deal with immediate effect.

    “It’s all a part of the deal. Manmohan Singh has flashed his abs just one day after Barack Obama did the same. It’s a complete surrender to US policies and we would oppose it tooth and nail. Six-pack abs symbolizes naked capitalism and it must be banned in India.” CPM leader Brinda Karat told.

    Opposition BJP too is not impressed with Mr. Singh’s abs and has termed it ‘too little too late’. The party claimed that their leader L K Advani is working out diligently to develop eight-pack abs, which will take India into a new league in the next year.

    “Mr. Singh’s abs are phony. You can’t even count how they make up to six. Congress is known to fudge figures and statistics related to development and security, and they have done the same again. It’s a lame and ridiculous attempt to project India as a tough state. Congress has turned us into a soft state and only an eight-pack abs can serve the purpose now.” BJP spokesperson Ravi Shankar Prasad told Faking News.

    Unconfirmed reports suggested that many even in Congress were not appreciative of such an act by Manmohan Singh, as they wanted Rahul Gandhi to develop six-pack abs and show it to the world. Veteran vegetating Congress leader and HRD Minister Arjun Singh was most upset with this move and had apparently written a letter to Sonia Gandhi to rein in the Prime Minister.

    But allies of UPA have welcomed the move and have hailed the abs of the Prime Minister. Railway Minister Lalu Yadav has declared that he will soon start a special train called six-pack rath that will celebrate the secular and muscular nature of our country.

    “Communal forces are jealous of what Manmohanji has done for this country. People were hungry in BJP rule but now they are eating good food and developing good abs. What is wrong in this?” Lalu Yadav wondered.

    Read the complete Report and Comment

    Tuesday, December 23, 2008

    Michael Jackson appointed ambassador to Pakistan

    MeekaailWashington D.C., USA. US president elect Barack Obama has announced that musician and illusionist Michael Jackson, fondlingly addressed as MJ, will be the new American ambassador to Pakistan. MJ will take oath of office on someday in January, becoming the first ever seemingly Muslim US ambassador to Pakistan.

    US has changed the ambassador at a time when tension between India and Pakistan are running high and both the countries are almost on the verge of an armed conflict. The move has baffled political pundits and at the same time given rise to many conspiracy theories.

    Mr. P J Antulay, ex chief of ISI, is the first person to come out openly and oppose Michael Jackson’s appointment. Mr. Antulay suspects that MJ has been sent by the American infidels to corrupt and defile Pakistani children.

    “Whether he has turned a Muslim is still unproven, but he is a proven child molester. American intelligence agencies have been talking about fundamentalist indoctrination among Pakistani children and he comes here to terrorize our children.” Mr. Antulay told Faking News Karachi correspondent Chaand Nawaab.

    But not many agree with the above view. A section of Pakistani media claimed that the current US ambassador to Pakistan, Ms. Anne Patterson, had complained against the habit of Pakistani president Asif Ali Zardari sending her flowers and flirtatious SMS each Tuesday. She asked Washington to either replace herself or the president.

    When Washington contacted Zardari’s office to seek clarification on harassment charges, they were asked to produce tangible proofs of Zardari’s involvement. Taking a cue, the US government decided to change their own ambassador instead, the media reports suggest. Apparently one Pakistani news channel possesses a hidden camera recording of Zardari buying flowers for Patterson.

    Some people also suspected that USA is sending MJ to die his natural death in Pakistan and then would blame it on biological weapons that Pakistan would be accused of possessing. USA would then attack Pakistan on pretext of destroying the weapons, the conspiracy theory maintained.

    Meanwhile neighboring India has welcomed the move to make Michael Jackson an ambassador of Pakistan and hoped that MJ will heal this part of the world. Indian Prime Minister Manmohan Singh sent an email to MJ congratulating him. But a right wing political party Shiv Sena has opposed the move calling it a conspiracy against Hindus.

    “That kabhi-black-kabhi-white Jackson has earned crores of rupees when we hosted his show in Mumbai in 1997. He used that money to change his religion and now he is going to Pakistan to tell them how to attack Mumbai. Hindus of India won’t tolerate it.” Shiv Sena’s mouthpiece Saamna wrote.

    Read the complete Report and Comment

    Monday, December 22, 2008

    Shoes thrown at Dr. Doom Nouriel Roubini

    Doom's DarlingsNew York, USA. Noted economist and professor at New York University, Nouriel Roubini, miraculously escaped unhurt when a laid off Wall Street banker Fichard Ruld threw two shoes at him in quick succession. Prof Roubini, also known as Dr. Doom, was delivering a lecture at a seminar called by NYSE when shoes were thrown at him.

    The shoe thrower, Fichard Ruld, used to work with Lehman Brothers before he lost his job due to bankruptcy (of the bank). He got worked up when Roubini predicted that economic recession will continue till 2010, and bankers and policy makers were to be blamed for the mess. He threw both his shoes at Roubini before he was nailed to the ground by security-men present at the seminar.

    “Roubini is the real culprit. He has engineered all this economic chaos through his three agents, whom he refers to as Doom’s Darlings. Now he is conspiring to keep us out of jobs for another two years. It’s him who should be arrested, not me.” Ruld told media persons as he was being taken for jail out.

    But Professor Roubini seemed unperturbed by the attack. He said that people must learn to accept their own mistakes rather than pointing fingers and throwing shoes at others, especially at those who tell the bitter truth. He declined to comment on allegations of triggering chaos in markets through his agents.

    “Shoes don’t scare me. But those who wear them are quite scary. Did you notice the shoes that were thrown at me? You just know that they belonged to an ex-banker, but I’d request you to take a finer look at the shoes and you will get many answers.” Dr. Doom told in a puzzling manner.

    Faking News, along with other media organizations, finally were allowed to have a look at the shoes by the FBI from a distance of fifteen feet. The shoes belonged to a little know brand ‘Vanity’ and were of size 11. But what was most surprising was that both the shoes were for the left foot.

    Read the complete Report and Comment

    Ponting or Manoj Kumar?Perth, Australia. After scoring a historical victory over Australia in the opening test match of the three match test series against Australia, South Africa fears that Australians could avenge the humiliating defeat in their inimitable style.

    Team manager, Coach, and Captain of South African team had an emergency round of meeting today morning to discuss strategies to defend the players against the expected Australian onslaught – a series of books by the Australian cricketers.

    “We have reports suggesting that Matthew Hayden and Andrew Symonds are jointly authoring a book where they are expected to make biting remarks against AB de Villiers and me. We must be mentally prepared and be ready for the second test match.” South African captain Graeme Smith told Faking News.

    South African cricket board are also reported to be in touch with the Indian counterpart BCCI to put them in touch with Indian cricketers, who could consult them on how to deal with such books. Former Indian captain Sourav Ganguly and spinner Harbhajan Singh have agreed to provide consultation for the time being.

    “Books are a top priority for South Africans at the moment, but I also told them to think out of book and make a list of words in Zulu, Xhosa, and Afrikaans that sounds similar to monkey, and avoid using them on-field.” Harbhajan Singh informed about the kind of suggestions he was providing.

    The Indian cricketers also advised them to smile on field and not to forget to shake hands after the match was over. Meanwhile Australian captain Ricky Ponting got livid with our reporter in the press conference when he innocently asked if he should resign from captaincy due to the crushing defeat.

    “If you are actually questioning my abilities, you should not be standing here.” The Australian captain told our reporter, following which our reporter immediately sat down there.

    Read the complete Report and Comment

    Sunday, December 21, 2008

    Rakhi Sawant donates her brains

    Rakhi Sawant HotMumbai. Item girl Rakhi Sawant has pledged her brains i.e. donated her brains to be used for implantation purposes after she is gone from the world. She claimed that the country needed her brains more than Aishwarya’s so-called beautiful eyes. It should be noted that Bollywood actress Aishwarya Rai had pledged her eyes some years back.

    “Why should I also donate my eyes just because Aishwarya did it? Gandhiji had told that an eye for an eye will leave the whole country blind. I respect and follow Gandhiji and hence I decided to pledge my brain. Indians need that.” Rakhi told our reporter.

    Rakhi claimed that a common Indian needed to think like her, and for that he/she needed brains like her. Her brain will help a common Indian to always be in the news and at the center stage, she claimed.

    “Look, a common Indian was at the center of attraction after Mumbai terror attacks. His views mattered the most. Now he has been replaced by politicians and intelligentsia. Nobody bothers to know what the common Indian is thinking now. He is out of news and off the center stage. This can’t happen with brains like me. You bet.” Rakhi explained the rationale behind pledging her brains.

    Rakhi also suggested that she could donate some DNA samples of hers if it helped a common Indian develop brains like hers while she was still alive. She feared that it might be too late to wait anymore as the common Indian was fast losing the attention he/she had got.

    Faking News and other media organizations tried to contact the common Indian for his or her views, but they were busy shopping vegetables for tomorrow. But media flashed the pictures of Rakhi Sawant all through the day. Faking News has also put one.

    Read the complete Report and Comment

    Saturday, December 20, 2008

    Baby Marx born in West Bengal

    Baby MarxNandigram, WB. A seven and half month’s old baby boy is attracting large crowds of devotees here due to his striking resemblance with communist philosopher Karl Marx. Many people in West Bengal, ruled by communists over three decades now, believe the baby to be a reincarnation of Marx, thus proving communism to be the truest religion of the world.

    “The baby looks so much like Marx Dada. His mother says that red is his favorite color and he doesn’t drink milk till his cat is given one bowl full. He is no one else but Marx-da himself. He is the one.” Jyoti Dasgupta, a devotee told.

    Devotees are bringing lot of edibles and milk with them. The whole village is full of red flags and various unions of devotees have come up to take care of crowd management and upbringing of the baby, fondly being referred as Marxy by them. A special train carrying devotees from Tripura and Kerala is also expected to reach Kolkata tomorrow.

    The state government of West Bengal has announced that all the devotees would be given free food and lodging facilities for a minimum period of one month. This has led some people from neighboring Bihar and Orissa to set off for the Nandigram even though they admitted that they didn’t know anything about Karl Marx or communism.

    While people leaving Bihar were mostly the ones affected by recent floods, people leaving Orissa were mostly Christians affected by recent communal clashes. Railway Minister Lalu Yadav has announced that such Biharis and Oriyas will not be charged railway fare while going to West Bengal. But Christian missionaries have opposed the movement calling it a ‘communist conspiracy’ to convert poor tribals by luring them with promise of food and shelter.

    But Baby Marx’s case is also getting mired in controversy. Opposition leader and firebrand politician Mamta Banerjee has termed the whole affair as fraud and has accused ruling CPM of using cheap tricks to win public support. She claimed that the mother of Baby Marx was actually a victim of atrocities by CPM workers in Nandigram but she was sweet-talked by the leftist workers to be a part of this drama and earn handsomely.

    “This whole case of Marxy is a fraud story. We all know that CPM goondas had killed men and raped women here. They are now trying to cover up their sins by such cheap tricks. I will soon organize a protest march to Nandigram. Buddhadeb will repent for ever now.” Mamta thundered.

    Chief Minister Buddhadeb Bhattacharya has downplayed all the controversies surrounding the incident and instead appealed to media and intelligentsia to take note of the vital signs. He claimed that Baby Marx’s arrival signals arrival of communism in the world.

    “Capitalism has failed in the USA and is on its way to its death in the rest of the world. Only communism can save us from the global financial crisis. Marxy’s arrival in this world signals this universal shift in economy and polity. The world is turning left. Marx has arrived.” Mr. Bhattacharya told in a press conference from Kolkata.

    Sources tell Faking News that Marxy or Baby Marx could be chosen as the prime ministerial candidate by the left front for the coming general elections. But such a possibility could upset prime ministerial berth hopeful Kumari Behen Mayawati, who is currently being supported by the left parties. Left parties neither confirmed nor denied such reports, which kept rumors alive all through the day.

    Meanwhile, left parties have demanded that Baby Marx’s birthday, which incidentally is same as that of Karl Marx i.e. May 5, should be declared a national holiday. In fact, they announced that there would be official holiday form May 1 to May 5 in communist ruled states. Children in these states were very happy with the announcement but they feared that their schools might merge this duration with the normal summer vacation period and deny them extra holidays.

    Read the complete Report and Comment

    Friday, December 19, 2008

    Amar Singh claims friendship with aliens

    Amar Singh's CompanyLucknow. Samajwadi Party MP and socialite Amar Singh has claimed that he has close relationships with aliens, especially Martians. These aliens, according to Mr. Singh, have been helping him a lot in his social work in India, and now Amar Singh could reciprocate by donating around 50 crore rupees for development of a multiplex on Mars.

    "Our relationship was formed long time back, jab we met together during the wedding of Abhishek Bachchan and Aishwarya Rai, and since then we have been in close touch. Martians are very secular in nature and their women are very pretty. I love them.” Amar Singh told Faking News in an exclusive interview.

    The Martian is the latest addition to the friends list of Amar Singh who is very fond of making friendship with the rich, the famous, the beautiful and the powerful. Take for example names like Amitabh Bachchan, Anil Ambani, Jaya Prada, Hillary Clinton, and Sonia Gandhi – they all are friends with Amar Singh.

    Meanwhile there were unconfirmed reports suggesting that US president elect Barack Obama had rejected Amar Singh’s friend request both on orkut and facebook.

    Amar Singh denied any knowledge of such a development and refused to login into his orkut or facebook account in front of our reporter. But he admitted that he had suspected such a reaction from Obama as he was being advised by RSS sympathizers.

    Faking News was gifted a Martian Mercedes by Mr. Singh for conducting his first ever interview.

    Read the complete Report and Comment

    Thursday, December 18, 2008

    Lehman Brothers are Time Person of the Year

    Time Person of Year 2008New York, USA. Time magazine has announced Lehman Brothers as the Person of the Year in 2008 after the legendary investment bank, founded by the brothers, signaled the beginning of the global financial crisis. For the first time since the title began in 1927, Time Person of the Year has been given to a group of brothers.

    Time Person of the Year is covered on the front page of the magazine’s special edition and is given to a man, woman, couple, group, idea, place, or machine that "for better or for worse, has done the most to influence the events of the year.”

    It seems Lehman Brothers were categorized as either a group or an idea. Some people also suspect that they were categorized as a couple, as the cover page shows only two of the three brothers, but Faking News doesn’t subscribe to such views. Time magazine didn’t elaborate upon the categories.

    In a closely contested race this year, Lehman Brothers edged ahead of other finalists, who included US president elect Barack Obama, Pakistani president Asif Ali Zardari, future US presidential hopeful Sarah Palin, Iraqi shoe-throwing journalist Zaidi, the common terrorized Indian, and the common American housing loan defaulter, the favorite of many to win the title.

    Despite repeated requests by Faking News, it seems Indians didn’t vote for the common terrorized Indian, as it was the first finalist to fall out of the race. The Iraqi journalists was racing ahead but was declared ineligible by Time editorial group, causing protests from various quarters. The protests finally ended when Time editors promised to include Zaidi for next year’s title if he survives the criminal case.

    The rest of the finalists i.e. Lehman Brothers, Obama, Palin, Zardari and the American defaulter were running neck to neck until supporters of Zardari started flirting with those of Palin. The volume of voting in favor of the two leaders came down drastically while volumes of comments went up. This shift in supporter behavior caused both of them to fall out of the race.

    In the final round, Lehman Brothers had tough competition from American housing loan defaulter and US president elect Barack Obama, but a huge surge in international votes, i.e. non-American votes, helped the Lehman Brothers to win the Time Person of the Year title.

    Read the complete Report and Comment

    Wednesday, December 17, 2008

    Reliance says tata to government agents

    DealMumbai. After Tata expressed lack of reliance in government machinery, Reliance has decided to say tata to government agencies. Reliance will no longer deal with these agencies, rather agents, especially bureaucrats and politicians, as it used to engage them in company’s formative years.

    “We have been supporting our bureaucrats and politicians throughout and they have been reciprocating, but times have changed now. We have decided not to support them anymore till they carry on their duties effectively.” a joint statement by both the Ambani brothers read.

    Both the brothers, who have recently come together after economic slowdown, refused to elaborate further. They threatened to stop similar support to media when journalists tried to probe them. Faking News too decided not to probe further as most of us use Reliance mobiles and eat potatoes from Reliance Fresh.

    Other corporate houses too are expected to back Tata and Reliance in tightening the noose around government agencies and press them to perform. Our team tried to contact various corporate houses for a reaction but most of them were busy with their finances. Only Vijay Mallya agreed to comment.

    “I guess it’s high time our government wakes up. I’m so shocked that even after so many disasters they are not allowing to serve liquor in the airlines (sic.)” Mr. Mallya told Faking News.

    Meanwhile common man on the street is confused over where to go or on whom to rely if the government doesn’t perform well. Faking News asks such people to send us SMSs and register their concern.

    Read the complete Report and Comment

    Tuesday, December 16, 2008

    Sania Mirza to replace Rahul Dravid for Mohali test

    Sania MirzaChennai. The consistent poor performance by Indian batsman Rahul Dravid has finally got the better of him. BCCI selectors have announced that Dravid will not be playing the second test match against England in Mohali. He would be replaced by hitherto tennis player Sania Mirza, who would be making her international test debut on Friday without having played a single first class cricket match.

    “The wall has developed serious cracks and needs to be amended. We have decided to rest Dravid and allow him to gather all his bricks to rebuild himself for the New Zealand tour. We decided to try out a new face at Mohali and Sania was a unanimous choice.” BCCI chief selector Kris Srikkanth informed in a press conference organized after India’s historic victory in the Chennai test match.

    But reliable sources confirm that selectors had to take this decision under compulsion as Indian captain Mahendra Singh Dhoni had threatened to commit suicide if Sania Mirza was not selected. Dhoni is reported to believe that presence of Sania will help realize large attendance of crowd in Mohali, which otherwise might be very low as compared to that in Chennai. Dhoni believed that crowd support played a very vital role in India’s magnificent victory in the first test in Chennai.

    Dhoni is also reported to have argued that during IPL, Mohali was happier to see Preity Zinta than Yuvraj Singh, and hence Sania would be a better choice over Dravid for the venue. He further argued that nowhere in the rulebook it was written that a BCCI team can comprise only of male members.

    When Faking News tried to contact Dhoni for his reaction, he termed the whole affair as ‘disgusting’ and refused to comment. He also slammed those elements of selection committee who leaked the news to organizations like Faking News. Indian captain told that he’d let his captaincy and performance do the talking and hoped that Sania will help India seal the series against England.

    “Sania had once told that if she was a boy, she would have been playing cricket, it’s her chance to live that moment. I’m sure she will shine in India’s win in Mohali.” Dhoni expressed confidence.

    Sania Mirza too expressed happiness over her inclusion in the team and told that she was eagerly waiting to get on field and hit Flintoff over the boundary. She hoped that India won and Flintoff didn’t get to take his shirt off as it might not be liked by clerics. She otherwise thought her cricket career would be less controversial than the tennis one. She has been out of tennis ground due to injuries and poor performance, apparently an outcome of such controversies, recently.

    “The best part of the game is that I’d be sporting full trousers and shirt for the game and most parts of my body would be covered up unlike in Tennis. Furthermore there would be ten other players to share blame if something goes wrong unintentionally.” Sania told Faking News on phone from Hyderabad.

    Faking News forgot to take the reaction of Rahul Dravid on the whole issue.

    Read the complete Report and Comment

    Monday, December 15, 2008

    SRK ready with his third TV show

    Kamzor Pati Kaun?Mumbai. After “Kaun Banega Crorepati” (KBC) and “Kya Aap Panchvi Paas Se Tez Hain” (KAPPSTH), Shahrukh Khan (SRK) is ready with his third television reality show – Mera Sanam Sabse Pyaara Hai (MSSPH). The show will be aired each day at 9 PM on Star Plus and will be sponsored by Prestige pressure cooker.

    The show is inspired by SRK’s latest blockbuster “Rab Ne Bana Di Jodi” (RNBDJ), where a husband overhauls himself to suit the preferences of his wife and proves his love for her. The latest show MSSPH will showcase competition between Indian husbands where they would be required to perform various activities to suit the moods and tastes of their respective wives. After various city rounds and semi-finals, the final husband, who would satisfy his wife and SRK, would win the reality show.

    Auditions for willing husbands have already started in various cities and the show would be on-air starting this Christmas. Prestige pressure cooker, which was the original brand to have promoted proof of a husband’s love, is the title sponsor this time, surprising many media planners.

    “If you remember, we were the first one to inspire husbands to change themselves. We had promoted our pressure cooker with the tagline - Jo biwi se karein pyaar, woh Prestige se kaise karein inkaar! It had changed many husbands before SRK decided to change himself in RNBDJ!” Prestige marketing head told Faking News.

    The move is also seen as SRK’s attempt to challenge Amir Khan’s movie Ghajini, which is also slated to release on Christmas only. SRK camp hopes to pull crowds away from Ghajini’s premiere to their living rooms for watching MSSPH on television. Even earlier when a scam was unearthed in Amir Khan’s television show, some people had suspected foul play by SRK camp, but nothing could be proved.

    Rivalry or no rivalry between Khans, the show surely promises to entertain the wives of India, who otherwise were stuck up with their saas (mother-in-laws) for television entertainment.

    Read the complete Report and Comment

    Sunday, December 14, 2008

    Arundhati Roy is Miss World 2008

    Arundhati is back!Johannesburg, South Africa. Miss World title came back to India after eight years as Booker Prize winner and self styled activist Ms. Arundhati Roy was declared winner of the crown here in a dazzling ceremony on Saturday. Ms. Roy is the sixth Indian to have won the crown and only the second one to win it in the 21st century after Priyanka Chopra had won it at the beginning of the century. With this win, supremacy of Indian beauty has been restored in the world yet again.

    “People have been asking me why I was lying low in later months of 2008 even though there were so many activities happening – bomb blasts, terror attacks, candlelight protests, elections, India-Pakistan standoff, et al. I hope I have silenced my critics now. And listen, my crown is not fake as Jamia Nagar encounter.” Miss World Arundhati Roy told Faking News.

    In the final round, contestants were asked the question, “what is the one thing you would like to change in this world?” Ms. Roy’s answer, “the international boundary between India and Kashmir”, was selected as the best one among the five finalists – Russia, Somalia, Aruba, and Trinidad & Tobago.

    Other answers were – “my president’s name” (Ms. Russia), “international sea routes” (Ms. Somalia), “international map” (Ms. Aruba), and “Brian Lara’s girl friend” (Ms. Trinidad & Tobago).

    “Arundhati’s answer proved beyond doubt that she is the quintessential beauty with brains. The crown was hers as soon as she provided that answer. She has that international appeal all Indian contestants were lacking for last seven years.” Julia Morley, head of the Miss World committee that organises the event told with gasped breath.

    Earlier Ms. Roy created a storm by refusing to take part in swimsuit round calling it exploitation of women. Later on when organizers cited her own writings, which were appreciative of such libertarian attires, Ms. Roy agreed to take part in the round, although the swimsuit she won was quite baggy instead of being body hugging.

    But Ms. Roy impressed everyone in the traditional dress round when she wore a saari that had paragraphs of her essays printed on it. Organizers and viewers were very happy and relieved as earlier reports had cryptically mentioned that Ms. Roy would showcase her literary talent as well.

    As Miss World 2008, Arundhati Roy will travel to different parts of the world and raise charities for welfare of children and poor people. Her detractors are happy that at least this will keep her away from India next year too.

    Read the complete Report and Comment

    Saturday, December 13, 2008

    Piggy Bank goes bankrupt

    Poor PiggyNew York, USA. Leading investment bank of children, the Piggy Bank, has filed for bankruptcy under Chapter 11 of United States Bankruptcy Code. The bank had bought risky assets from parent organizations and was finding it an uphill task to continue in business after parents went bankrupt. Piggy Bank expects the government to announce a bailout plan for them.

    “We shouldn’t be punished for what the bigger banks did. We had no original exposure to any risky asset and we had been performing rather well. Just because we put faith on our parent banks, we are into this mess now. Government should rescue us.” Piggy Bank CEO Richard Chuld told.

    Faking News has learnt that various governments of the world could come together to announce a bailout plan. The bailout plan would be made conditional and Piggy Bank would be required to cut down on its expenses and operations to bare minimum till the financial crisis blew over.

    While children across the world are hopeful, they are unhappy over the possibility of reserves of Piggy Bank going down. They are also worried a bit as the bailout plan has already run into troubled waters with some groups in Pakistan protesting against it.

    “Pig is unclean and unislamic, we have got nothing to do with it. Our children have never used piggy bank, not even a camel bank. Why should the Pakistani government join this bailout plan?” Karachi based financial group Jamaat-ul-Sauda’s press release read.

    Government of Pakistan has not categorically supported or opposed the bailout plan yet, but has asked for tangible proofs from the Fed that Pakistani children have been using the services of Piggy Bank.

    Experts believe that Pakistan’s own financial health is going through red and the government may not be able to contribute much in the bailout package. They are also helpless as groups like Jamaat-ul-Sauda have become quite powerful in recent years. But at the same time they don’t want to be seen as being indifferent to a global problem therefore they are biding time.

    Amidst all these, children of the world spent another listless day thanks to the prudence of their parents.

    Read the complete Report and Comment

    Friday, December 12, 2008

    Pakistani reporter wins international accolades

    Karachi, Pakistan. Amidst high tension between India and Pakistan after Mumbai terror attacks, a news reporter of Pakistan has won hearts not only in India but all over the world. The reporter, named Chaand Nawaab (literally meaning Lunar Viceroy), of Indus News, a 24-hour Urdu news and infotainment channel of Pakistan, has shown immaculate perseverance in carrying out his duty. His masterpiece is captured in the video below:

    Within 10 days of the above video appearing on YouTube, Chaand Nawaab’s magnum opus has been witnessed by almost 1,00,000 viewers worldwide! The whole Faking News team was jealous of Mr. Nawaab as our website is still to reach that figure even after 13 weeks of existence.

    Many Indian journalists are also reported to be jealous of Chaand Nawaab as they never won any international recognition for their reporting styles, and instead have faced criticism from various quarters, including Faking News.

    May other Indians, including our team members, were also jealous to witness such long trains existing in Pakistan. Faking News will soon lead a delegation to Railway Minister Mr. Lalu Prasad Yadav and demand to increase the length of Indian trains as compared to those of Pakistan.

    Read the complete Report and Comment

    Thursday, December 11, 2008

    Pakistan argues for terrorism to fight recession

    Islamabad, Pakistan. After shocking the world by accepting terrorism charges, Pakistan has now argued that terrorism could be a very potent tool to fight the international financial crisis. Pakistan has appealed to the international community, especially India, to support it on the issue of breeding terrorism, which can help the countries ward off threats of economic slowdown.

    “Due to grave threats of terrorism, people are not sure if they would be alive on coming days to enjoy their lives. Such a fear causes them to spend heavily on their present day, which helps raise the domestic consumption levels and increases liquidity in markets. Such a scenario surely helps terrorism affected countries to be well guarded against threats of economic slowdown.” Finance Minister of Pakistan Shaukat Tarin explained.

    Talking exclusively to Faking News, Mr. Tarin further argued that had USA allowed terrorist activities on its soil after 9/11, they would have been better placed to face the present financial crisis.

    “The failure of investment banks would not have impacted the psychology of a common American voter if he was shit scared about his life being taken away by a terrorist any moment. I think it was a blunder by Bush administration to ensure unassailable homeland security.” Mr. Tarin opined.

    Mr. Tarin was all praise for his neighbor India, which has an abysmal record in homeland security. He argued that this was the singular reason why India was still by and large unaffected by the global economic slowdown. He further claimed that this was also the reason why various incumbent governments were winning elections in India, unlike the defeat of Bush administration in USA.

    “Clearly terrorism has benefitted India and the various political parties of India. Therefore I fail to understand why India is hell bent upon Pakistan eliminating the terrorist camps. If those camps go away, India will start facing a lot of domestic problems, I hope Indian government realizes it and starts behaving maturely and prudently.” Shaukat Tarin told Faking News.

    Faking News tried to get an Indian viewpoint on the whole issue of terrorism as a tool to fight recession, but Indian diplomats and bureaucrats were too busy to voice an opinion.

    Read the complete Report and Comment

    Wednesday, December 10, 2008

    Sociolinguists blame junta for India’s ills

    Junta at workNew Delhi. A group of sociolinguists have found out that use of the word ‘junta’ to address a common man or Indian citizens has led to the current political mess that is found in India. These sociolinguists have come up with a report that strongly argues against the use of the word and calls for an immediate ban on it. However the report doesn’t suggest an alternative word.

    “The most obvious problem is that the word junta refers to a military dictatorship. Indian voters have been choosing militants and dictators due to this confusion as they feel that only such people truly represent a junta. This is getting internalized with each passing day, we must stem the rot.” leading sociolinguist Zabaan-ur-Pareshan, who spearheaded the research, told Faking News.

    The researchers found that the gender of ‘junta’ was even more worrying factor and was strongly responsible for criminalization of Indian politics. It should be noted that junta (जनता) is a feminine word in Hindi.

    “Women are known to be fascinated with men having dark shades of character. Don’t we see young girls in shools-colleges preferring rowdy and flamboyant boys with worse academic records over studious and quiet boys? Such bully boys easily win over girls by feigning admiration for them. Similarly leaders who are uneducated but rowdy win over junta and win elections by feigning concern for common men.” Zabaan-ur-Pareshan explained.

    The researchers have recommended that ‘junta’ should be replaced by another word in day to day use, and the replacement word must not be of feminine gender. They have requested Indian citizens to come up with suggestions and implement it after banning ‘junta’.

    Read the complete Report and Comment

    Tuesday, December 9, 2008

    Lashkar man calls for sacrificing MTV Bakra

    MTV BakraMuzaffarabad, PoK. Arrested Lashkar-e-Taiba terrorist Zaki-ur-Rehman Lakhvi, who is suspected to be the mastermind of Mumbai terror attacks, wants to sacrifice MTV Bakra on Eid-ul-Azha. Lakhvi has asked Pakistani officials to add the name of MTV Bakra to the list of most wanted people, which was submitted by Pakistan to India last week.

    Lakhvi has also cautioned Indian Muslims to be wary of MTV Bakra, which he thinks is polluting their minds and keeping them away true Islam. Lakhvi suspects a Hindu-Zionist conspiracy behind the popularity of MTV Bakra.

    “That guy Cyrus is half Jew and teams up with Hindus and converts innocent Muslims into Bakra. Our Indian brethren must wake up and defeat these forces. Due to such evil effects, we can today see many Indian Muslims celebrating Hindu festivals like the elephant god worship festival. The Bakra must be sacrificed.” Lakhvi told Faking News.

    Pakistani officials have refused to comment on the demands of Lakhvi. When asked whether Pakistan would be ready to hand over Lakhvi in exchange of MTV Bakra, Pakistani officials told the government could think over such a possibility because forces in the government agreed with Lakhvi ‘in principle’.

    “MTV generation is surely turning away from true Islam and they are having misplaced notions about how Islam can be interpreted in modern times. The Muslim youth of both India and Pakistan need to shun such ideas and purify themselves. We need to pressurize the Indian government to act fast.” an ISI official Aziz Hindukrush Chaudhry told Faking News.

    Faking News could not contact MTV Bakra for his comments as he was busy celebrating Eid quietly without much fanfare. Faking News also uses this opportunity to wish its reader a Happy Bakr-Eid.

    Read the complete Report and Comment

    Monday, December 8, 2008

    Pappu not so happy with election results

    Pappu pissed offJaipur. Pappu, who doesn’t vote, who struggles to pass exams, and who can’t dance, has expressed his unhappiness over results of the assembly elections of five states, which were announced today. While Pappu was happy over results in Delhi, Chhatisgarh and Madhya Pradesh, he thought election results in Rajasthan and Mizoram were ‘unnecessary’.

    “I don’t know why people vote and change governments, it only adds to more confusion. Already the central government has changed Ministers at center, now we will have new Chief Ministers. It’s madness. Now I’d mix up all the names again and flunk the GK paper. There is a conspiracy against me.” Pappu told Faking News.

    Pappu conceded that he had tough time remembering the name of outgoing Mizoram Chief Minister Pu Zoramthanga, and his worst fear says that the next Chief Minister will have a tougher name. He can’t get an answer straightaway as Congress doesn’t announce the name of a Chief Ministerial candidate until election results are over and Sonia Gandhi signs on the notification papers.

    Pappu believes that such election results do nothing more than bringing new names into GK (general knowledge) books, and it was unnecessary to spend so much of money for holding elections. He suggested that intelligentsia should look for alternatives to voting.

    “This is very tedious process to decide new names and a very costly one too. They should look for other means like SMS voting or internet polls. These politicians are so old fashioned and out of touch with modern generation.” Pappu rued.

    Apart from GK, Pappu doesn’t like the civics paper and was Googling for ‘sample papers’ and ‘question bank’ for his upcoming pre-board exams when Faking News contacted him. His search was interrupted as power went off and Pappu blamed his electrician for the sorry state of affairs in his locality.

    Read the complete Report and Comment

    Hoax calls bring about end of the world

    Hoax and the CitySydney, 1st Feb, 2013.

    Two hoax calls that were made to US President Sarah Palin and Pakistan President Asif Zardari last night brought an end to world civilization after these calls triggered off a nuclear holocaust resulting in probable death of over 3 billion people, half of world's population.

    Last night, a caller pretending to be Indian Prime Minister, Lal Krishna Advani called Zardari and told him scoffingly, "Kambakht Zardari, hamare nuclear missiles tumhare Lahore aur Karachi ko poori tarah se tabaah kar chuke hai. Ab Islamabad ki baari hai! Bhaag sako to bhago, Zardari.. Hahahaha" ("Our nuclear-loaded missiles have landed on Lahore and Karachi and blown up both your cities. Islamabad is next! Run if you can!! Mu-ha-ha-ha!!!)

    A panicky Zardari immediately ordered nuclear strikes on New Delhi & Mumbai in retaliation which resulted in counter-strikes by India. India hit back strongly by nuking Islamabad, Lahore, Karachi and Hyderabad. And Pakistan went up in smoke!

    At around the same time, US President Sarah Palin also received a prank call by a caller claiming to be Russia's President Dmitry Medvedev. The prank caller informed Palin that Russia has nuked New York, Los Angeles & Chicago. "Luk aauoot auf yer veendow, Saraah. You veel soon see a beautifool mushroom claood aauootside!"

    Sarah Palin got panicky, shrieked "OMG! OMG Nuk-u-lear war is upon us!" and ordered half a dozen Russian cities to be nuked. But due to missile-launcher malfunction, a couple of them landed on Chinese soil by mistake. Within next half an hour, US was inundated by nuclear missiles from both Russia and China landing on all its major cities. All of its major cities were totally incinerated. Pentagon reacted by firing more nuclear-loaded missiles over China and Russia. And both China and Russia went up in smoke!

    With over three-quarters of population of US, Russia, China, India and Pakistan facing nuclear winter, the world as we know has come to a disastrous end. All because of two hoax calls and two dumb presidents who couldn't detect a petty prank.

    According to political analysts, this terrible nuclear holocaust could have been avoided had the people of US & Pakistan not appointed political novices like Palin and Zardari to their highest seat of power.

    This was not the first time that the two leaders fell prey to a prank call. In 2008, when Sarah Palin was running for vice-presidency, she got hoaxed by a Canadian DJ who pretented to be French President Nicholas Sarkozy. In the same year, Zardari was fooled by a prank caller who claimed to be India's foreign minister Pranab Mukherkee and threatened Pakistan with military action.

    Palin survived the ignominy and ridicule that followed the hoax call, won republican primaries four years later and was elected America's president early this year after bitterly fought elections against former President Barack Obama who not only completely failed to revive US economy but also got his country further embroiled in disastrous war campaigns. Zardari too survived veiled military threats by India and continued ruling Pakistan for another four years.

    Unfortunately for all of us, the world couldn't survive the two hoaxed presidents.

    (The news article has been originally published at and written by ESSBEE)

    Read the complete Report and Comment

    Sunday, December 7, 2008

    RSS looking for conspiracy theorists

    Yes RSS canNagpur. Hindu nationalist group RSS has put advertisements in leading newspapers asking for applications for the post of modern conspiracy theorists. The move is being seen as a strategic attempt to keep their flock together and to checkmate their adversaries. The organization feels that while they are perceived to be good at hatching conspiracies, they are pretty bad at theorizing them.

    “Everyone believed Muslim groups when they told there was a conspiracy behind Jamia Nagar encounter in Delhi, and now there are people supporting them when they say that there is a conspiracy behind the death of ATS chief Hemant Karkare in Mumbai terror attacks, in fact they are claiming the attacks to be a conspiracy itself. Whereas nobody believed us when we suggested that there was conspiracy behind arrest of the Sadhvi or Shankaracharya. We surely need to work on that aspect.” RSS spokesperson Ram Madhav told Faking News.

    Ram Madhav told that conspiracy theories were a very good way to keep supporters of any organization together as it stopped them from wandering off the stipulated path.

    “Hindus have been naïve and take silly positions, which they claim as taking a broader perspective, and end up blaming themselves or their faith for the ills within the society and around. The simpler way is to accuse someone of hatching a conspiracy against Hindus. Muslims do it so impeccably, we must not lag behind.” Ram Madhav elaborated.

    Mr. Madhav told that while RSS and sister organizations were successful in promoting conspiracy theories pertaining to medieval times, there has been utter failure on their part to promote similar theories in modern times.

    “Why can’t we argue that some Muslims masqueraded as BJP supporters and conspired to bring down the Babri Mosque? Why can’t we say that the Christian Nun in Orissa was never raped and in fact she had never been in Orissa at all? There are so many things we could do. We must do them.” RSS spokesperson opined.

    RSS thinks that lack of modern conspiracy theories have caused Hindus to over-introspect and become defensive and defenseless. Organization has also asked BJP to support them as conspiracy theories give a strong ‘feel good’ factor to people, something which can’t be matched with television or digital campaign, as was tried by BJP in last Lok Sabha elections. RSS thinks conspiracy theories are the reason Muslims always feel good about their religion.

    Read the complete Report and Comment

    Saturday, December 6, 2008

    Indian politicians come together to write a book

    You Can't WinNew Delhi. Following the calls of unity among the political class of India after the recent Mumbai terror attacks, Indian politicians have finally decided to come together.

    They have come together to write a self help book targeted at Indian voters, which will help fix their misplaced resolve that they had gathered after the terror attacks. The book, named “You Can’t Win”, will hit the stands in a couple of weeks and is expected to be a runaway success by the next Lok Sabha elections.

    The self help book, jointly written by think tanks of various political parties under the pseudonym Willfak Yugain, is divided in various chapters such as ‘Inter Religious Skills’, ‘Power of Language’, ‘Caste your role’, and ‘Class and esteem’. Each chapter urges the reader to know their real self and help themselves out of the delusion they have got themselves into.

    Some of the sample sentences from the book, read by the think tanks exclusively for Faking News, are as follows:

    “You shouldn’t vote for change, you should just change your vote.” a BJP member of the group that wrote the book, informed about his contribution.

    “If you replace a party with another, you replace your miseries with another, so why bother to replace?” the Congress member too cited one of his contributions.

    “Winners are not the one with big mass, they are simply pain in the arse.” the authorship of the sentence is disputed as various regional parties started hitting each other with microphones claiming the authorship.

    The book is being promoted as ‘a step by step guide for Indian voters’ and various government agencies could distribute this book for free starting next year.

    Political parties have also called on news channels to help them promote the book, and have promised to hike their broadcast advertising budgets. Parties are also mulling over the possibility to provide subsidies to the channels for broadcasting news on saas-bahu television serials, Bollywood news, and comedy shows.

    Faking News was paid an undisclosed amount to promote the book.

    Read the complete Report and Comment

    Thursday, December 4, 2008

    Elton John withdraws his song from India

    Everyone is sorryMumbai. Renowned musician and singer Sir Elton John has withdrawn his song “sorry seems to be the hardest word” from Indian subcontinent. He has asked music companies of the region, especially in India and Pakistan, to delete this song from all his albums. He has also requested singers like Richard Marx and boy band Blue to put pressure on their music companies to do the same for their respective versions of the song.

    Elton John is reported to be deeply hurt by recent developments in the region which he thought negated the mood of this particular song. The song is one of the rare ones where he had himself written much of the lyrics, and hence he was moved to take such a decision. The musician and singer refused to speak to Faking News when we contacted him for a reaction.

    But Faking News has learnt that following events in the recent past had caused Sir Elton John to withdraw the song:

    Pakistani president Asif Ali Zardari told he was ‘sorry’ for Indians killed in the Mumbai terror attacks.

    Maharashtra deputy CM R R Patil told he was ‘sorry’ for calling the terror attacks a small incident.

    Maharashtra CM Vilasrao Deshmukh told he was ‘sorry’ to take Ram Gopal Verma along when visiting hotel Taj Mahal, which was ravaged in Mumbai terror attacks.

    Kerala CM V S Achuthanandan told he was ‘sorry’ for his dog comment.

    Bollywood actress Simi Garewal told she was ‘sorry’ to have called Muslims living in Mumbai slums as Pakistan supporters.

    There has been various other instances in India and neighboring countries earlier as well, which had made Sir Elton John unhappy, but the recent statements are reported to have moved him so strongly that the declared that he was withdrawing the song. Such a sorry state of affairs.

    Read the complete Report and Comment

    Tuesday, December 2, 2008

    Dogs marching towards Kerala CM house

    True DogThiruvananthapuram. A pack of angry dogs are marching towards the house of Kerala Chief Minister V S Achuthanandan. These dogs are coming from the sea side and had left the Karnataka shores yesterday night, sources in intelligence agencies have informed Faking News. Security has been beefed up at the residence of Mr. Achuthanandan as the dogs are reportedly in a very hostile mood.

    These dogs, belonging to Canine Protection Party (CPM), are reportedly angry at the statement by the Kerala CM where he had claimed that not even a dog would have visited the house of Major Sandeep Unnikrishnan’s dad, had Sandeep not been martyred. The dogs have been furious since then and running.

    “He should talk about his clan only. What knowledge does he have about us dogs? We won’t allow just any tom dick and harry to represent us and speak on our behalf. We would let this guy know what it means to be a true dog – loyal, loving, and respectful.” CPM chief Kuttanandan told Faking News.

    Kuttanandan says his party has no plans to bite the Chief Minister and accused the Chief Minister’s office of indulging in publicity stunt by beefing up the security. Kuttanandan hoped that dogs from Kerala would join in the peaceful protests.

    “I am completely confident. I have seen humans standing together and protesting against bad mouthed people. We dogs can surely do better.” Kuttanandan expressed confidence.

    In fact Kuttanandan told Faking News that dogs’ protests would have more impact than those of humans as dogs have been running all through.

    “When you are running, you gain energy, when you are just standing up, you gain inertia. I would request humans not to just stand up and shout slogans, but to run towards a goal.” Kuttanandan advised to human.

    Faking News hopes that humans too can arrive at a goal and run towards it.

    Read the complete Report and Comment

    Monday, December 1, 2008

    Who are responsible for terror attacks?

    New Delhi. Indians have been mighty confused about who were responsible for Mumbai terror attacks as suddenly a series of claims of responsibilities have come up. So much so, that now Indians are now finding it tough to keep count and have started forgetting some aspects of the attacks.

    First it was a linguistically conscious group claiming to be Deccan Mujahideen that took ‘virtual responsibility’ by sending emails in Hindi.

    Then the arrested terrorist Qasab took ‘oral responsibility’ of the attacks and claimed groups like LeT and ISI were responsible.

    While Indians were still finding the links between the two, they were bombarded with ‘moral responsibility’ claimed by various people – Shivraj Patil, M K Narayanan, R R Patil, Vilasrao Deshmukh, and counting.

    “I am totally confused. After all who exactly is responsible for those attacks? There are so many candidates now. Whom should I trust?” asked Ravi, a common Indian.

    Faking News has learnt from its sources in government that there could be a commission chaired by a retired Supreme Court judge who would inquire into these claims of responsibilities.

    The commission will also give ‘certificate of morality’ and award grades to people claiming moral responsibility, while they will pronounce stringent punishment for people claiming other kind of responsibilities.

    The commission will produce its report in 13 years and 1.65 days, out of which 13 years would be devoted to decide punishment and the rest to award certificates and grades. The commission will also submit a report that can be used for similar instances in the future to save time.

    The commission will not probe the authenticity or details of any kind of responsibility (oral, moral, virtual or other), as they would be assumed to be true and comprehensive.

    BJP has termed these steps as ‘drama’, while Congress has accused BJP of not even carrying out such a drama when terror attacks took place in their term. Both parties are feeling good now.

    But many Indians were not feeling so good as some of them complained of amnesia as well as déjà vu.

    Read the complete Report and Comment