First man to have given a bribe in independent India dies

Gorakhpur. Jawahar Tiwari, the first man who had given out a bribe to a government official in independent India, died after prolonged illness today morning. He was 92 years old and was bedridden with malarial fever for over three months. Jawahar had shot to fame last year when an investigation by an NGO claimed that he was the first person in independent India who was involved in a bribery case, although unregistered and undocumented, as a bribe giver.

“My father had paid the bribe rather reluctantly and after a lot of self rationalization. Initially he had it as a burden on his conscious but later on as he saw the Indian society evolve, he felt proud and used to flaunt his bribe giving stories to everyone, including that NGO which later on published it in their report.” Raju, the eldest among the five children of Jawahar Tiwari who could survive beyond the age of 12, told Faking News.

The story goes back to 1952 when Jawahar Tiwari worked as a ‘malaria officer’ in one of the tribal areas of Jharkhand (then a part of Bihar) entrusted with the task of inoculating people and sanitizing the area against threats of malaria. He was running late on schedule and one of the districts was yet to be visited by him. Jawahar wondered how he would meet his goal as well as the deadline on his job.

“That district always had people dying in summer due to heat strokes and there were hardly any basic amenities available. People didn’t even have water, let alone roads or electricity. My father knew that there was no chance a mosquito could grow or survive in such terrible conditions. Locals could die of any reason but malaria. Therefore he decided to skip that district.” Raju recounted the story.

But Jawahar Tiwari needed to show the district as ‘covered’ by him in the government records, hence he approached the local District Magistrate with his predicament. The DM asked for a bribe in lieu of handing out a fake certificate that his district was covered by Mr. Tiwari. After a lot of introspection Mr. Tiwari agreed to bribe the DM, creating the first ‘successful’ bribery case in independent India as per an NGO.

“We couldn’t track back any older identifiable case of bribery in independent India. Jawaharji shared most of the details but refused to name the district or share the whereabouts of the DM as apparently that guy went on to become a very powerful and respected person in society. Maybe he feared some counterattack.” Maanav Mehta, the coordinator of the NGO that carried out the investigations told Faking News.

Jawahar Tiwari had concealed this incident from most people, including his family members for many years. But when he heard his grandson claiming proudly how he and his friends got admission in a medical college after paying a bribe of 5 lakh rupees each, he wondered if bribery was an ‘in-thing’ and socially acceptable norm in modern times. Convinced, he started sharing his story with everyone.

“We are proud of our father. Very few people had the foresight and guts to carry out such things in those times. He couldn’t take bribe due to some strange feeling of guilt all his life or we would have been really a happy and prosperous family today.” Raju told.

Man diagnosed with English speaking obsession beaten up

Patna. Nirad Pandey, a 39 year old father of three, who was recently diagnosed with an obsessive compulsive English speaking disorder (OCESD), suffered multiple injuries after he was thrashed black and blue by some miscreants near railway station. Nirad was reportedly arguing in English with the miscreants after they had passed some comments on him in Hindi. The argument got heated up after a while and finally ended up with nine fractured bones of Nirad in his limbs.

“They had called me kameena (rascal) and it riled me up. Those ugly mofos were sounding even fucking uglier as they spoke in Hindi with a fucking Bihari accent. How do you expect me to take some shit like this? I told those bloody bastards to mind their language or I’d have fucked their happiness by shoving pig sticks in their asses. Frustrated with my English speaking abilities, the wankers beat me up.” Nirad recounted his experience with the 'foul mouthed Hindi speaking gundas'.

Doctors of ‘rajkiya swasthya mandir’, the hospital where Nirad has been admitted by his family members, have declared him out of danger but advised a one week bed rest for him. Doctors fear that this incident could worsen the OCESD condition in Nirad.

As a school student, Nirad had won a three-day trip to England after winning a 'spoon with egg' race organized by a tour and travel company some twenty five years back. After returning from England, Nirad apparently developed a liking for speaking English in British accent with everyone. Slowly this liking grew into an obsessive compulsive disorder and Nirad refused to speak in Hindi with anyone.

Relatives say that the turning point in his condition was the incident where Nirad could score 66% more marks in his pre-board re-exams just because he answered all the questions in English in his second attempt. Nirad had confided to his family members that his new answers were nothing but mere a literal translation of his earlier answers in Hindi.

“This incident had a deep impact on Nirad and he refused to speak or write in Hindi after that. He even started talking to our maid in English. He used to have regular tiffs with people over speaking in English, especially his British accent. When he used to play cricket with friends, all the batsmen used to hard hit on his bowling as if they were hitting him in his face for his English, but such behavior only made him more resolute.” Nirad’s younger brother Niraj told Faking News.

Nirad had banned use of Hindi in his home and regularly used to beat up his kids for speaking in Hindi. This is the first time he has been beaten up for speaking in English.

“This won’t change anything. Hindi speaking fucktards lack confidence and they are plain jealous of people like us. They should raise their standards for god’s sake instead of trying to bring us down. This is so fucking disgusting and it can happen only in India.” Nirad expressed his frustration and appealed to Hindi speakers to gain some knowledge and culture.

Outrage over Prime Minister’s beer party with Emraan Hashmi

New Delhi. The decision of Prime Minister Manmohan Singh to arrange a beer party with Bollywood actor Emraan Hashmi and members of the housing society that allegedly refused Emraan a house for being a Muslim, has run into troubled waters. Although the decision was touted as a great step towards fostering communal harmony in the society, the same is now turning into a slugfest for religious beliefs.

Manmohan Singh’s original plan was to invite Emraan, members of the housing society, Mumbai Police officials, and a few religious leaders like Baba Ramdev from Hindu and Muslim sects over a beer party to discuss issues like religious discrimination of minorities. Prime Minister’s Office had claimed that Emraan would happily end up buying a house in the same society and all the religious leaders would jointly issue a statement appealing peaceful cohabitation of all Indians.

Prime Minister’s decision faced its first criticism when some Muslim groups objected to the presence of liquor based beverages in a party attended by as pious a Muslim as Emraan. These groups issued a fatwa that Emraan and other religious leaders would be boycotted by the Muslim society if they attended a party espousing consumption of liquor.

Before Emraan and others could react, Hindu groups retaliated with threats of mass agitation if Prime Minister succumbed to the unrealistic demands of Muslims. These groups lamented the culture of Muslim appeasement in India and insisted that not only liquor, pork should also have been a part of the menu of the beer party.

Although Baba Ramdev didn’t agree with such Hindu groups, he agreed that serving beer was a bad idea. Baba thought that beer made a person queer which had given rise to homosexuality in India. He instead suggested a joint yoga session of Emraan and the housing society members to ward off the differences. Sources inform that Baba Ramdev might throw his own party.

If these religious protests were not enough, liquor baron Vijay Mallya also joined the chorus and lambasted the PMO for having approached the Australian beer company Fosters for serving beer at the proposed party. Mallya accused the government of being insensitive towards domestic industries and declared that he would plan for a ‘beer black out’ on 18th August when all private airlines including his Kingfisher Airlines would go on a strike seeking a government bailout.

Following these reactions, PMO is in a fix over what to do with the proposed beer party. Emraan Hashmi too has gone into hiding and sources close to him say that he has dropped his plans to buy any house for the time being. Police arrested some Hindu and Muslim activists outside his house planning some kinds of protests. Fearing a public backlash, Prime Minister has appealed for communal harmony and suspended his beer party indefinitely.

Government launches mid-day snooze scheme for public offices

New Delhi. Encouraged by the reported success of mid-day meal scheme in schools towards improving education among underprivileged students, government has decided to implement mid-day snooze scheme in public offices that is aimed at improving productivity among underperforming public servants. The scheme will officially empower public servants with a right to sleep in their offices for at least one hour each day.

Although the practice of taking a mid-day snooze in offices has been rampant for various years now, the government believes that legalizing the slumber in offices will improve the morale and dignity of its employees, apart from productivity. If the results of the scheme are found favorable, the scheme would be turned into a law enabling every employee, either in public or private sector, to rightfully sleep during office hours.

“We had been facing a lot of complaints about public servants sleeping in offices. Our officials confessed that work made them comatose, which left us only with two options – either to let them not work or to let them sleep. We chose the first solution and instructed our officials to ignore work, but there was huge public hue and cry over it, so now we are left with no other option.” a labor ministry communiqué said.

The ministry also believes that the hitherto sleeping in the public offices filled the government employees with a sense of guilt, for sleeping was not officially sanctioned, but with the mid-day snooze scheme coming into effect, the officials will no longer feel guilty and thus it would do wonders to their morale and self-respect. But not many agree with this logic.

“This is bullshit! These guys have always slept as if it was their birthright to do so. Where was the guilt? I surely couldn’t sense any. In fact we were made to feel guilty because we disturbed their sleep! I don’t think this scheme makes any sense, but yeah, maybe they should enforce this in the private sector as employers there don’t allow us poor employees to sleep even during the night.” Vijay Faryal, a sales executive working with a shampoo company opined.

Faryal was joined by many other citizens who also thought that government decision was ‘misplaced’. Some sociologists too criticized the government for entertaining and yielding to basic instincts of common citizens for encouraging activities like professional work and education.

“Mid-day meal scheme itself was flawed. Schools became appealing to the stomach instead of one’s brains. Now we have mid-day snooze scheme for employees. What next? Mid-night sex scheme to improve adult education?” British Kandy, a popular sociologist wondered.

MPs express concern over pigeons making love in public

New Delhi. Parliament proceedings were disrupted for more than three hours after some members accused the government of not doing enough to control shameless pigeons making love in public places at various places in India. These members suggested that such immoral and irresponsible behavior by the pigeons caused embarrassment to the Indian families and had the potential to defile the minds of young children. Members wanted a law to rein in the offensive birds by regulating their aberrant activities.

“I can’t understand what good these obnoxious birds do to humankind? They eat food grains and poop everywhere, even on our heads. These crooks simply don’t care how their actions can affect us. Can you even imagine how disgusting it is when your three year old kid points to love-making pigeons and asks you what are those birds doing? Is this the way we want our kids to grow and learn?” Kaboot Aryan, a member of parliament argued angrily.

Mr. Aryan further argued that tolerance towards such behavior by pigeons has sent wrong signals abroad about accepted social norms in the Indian culture. He claimed that Hollywood star Richard Gere must had seen pigeons kissing each other openly and would have thought pubic kissing to be acceptable in India, following which he went on to kiss Indian actress Shilpa Shetty in a pigeon style.

“Thank god he just saw the pigeons, or god knows what would have happened!” Mr. Aryan lamented, drawing ‘shame shame’ calls from other members of parliament.

Following the pandemonium, the government assured the members that it will look into the matter seriously and find out ways to discipline the pigeons and educate them about Indian culture. In all probabilities, resident groups of pigeons could be sent show-cause notices by the government, along with a statutory warning.

While the decision of the government has come under sharp criticism from some pro-pigeon groups in media, many people welcomed the decision of the government terming it as a ‘relief’.

“I have been sick of these ubiquitous and iniquitous birds. They had once pooped into my cheese pizza and I couldn’t even distinguish that shit from cheese. My friends made life hell for me after that, I’m still the laughing stock of my college. These birds have no sense or sensibility, they deserve to be punished.” said a college student, though he couldn’t recall having been distracted or disgusted by love making of pigeons.

Most of the people welcoming the government decision had problems with pigeon poops, even though a majority of them thought that pigeon mating was ‘cool’. But they agreed that young Indian children could have adverse impacts on their emotions if they saw pigeons mating in public.

“They make eggs, what else?” said three year old Aryan when Faking News correspondent asked if he knew what pigeons did by climbing over each other.

Research proves Yeti was a bureaucrat

Garo Hills, Meghalaya. Local scientists have confirmed that the legendary stories about spotting of Yeti (also known as the Bigfoot or the Snowman) were not completely mythical in nature. A five-year long research by the scientists has concluded that Yeti actually existed and continues to exist. The most striking part of the research is that it rejects the notion that Yeti was some beast, arguing that Yeti was actually a human being – a modern day bureaucrat.

“Unlike other folklores that date back to medieval ages or even to prehistoric times, Yeti’s stories were not heard before 19th century. This made us believe that Yeti was a product of modern era when democratic political systems and modern nation-states emerged. This is how we got the hypothesis for our research.” Maanav Himija, one of the scientists told.

The researchers found many similarities between a modern day bureaucrat and the legendary Yeti. Both of them visited hilly and remote areas populated by underprivileged sections of society, but once in a blue moon. Both were deemed powerful by the locals, who were under awe of their enormous powers. Both earned their livelihood by taking away the resources of the locals.

“We progressively got convinced that Yeti was the name given to the elusive bureaucrat by locals in these areas. Generations over generation people added some hearsay to the appearance and character of the elusive bureaucrat and he became the legendary Yeti. You can’t really blame the locals for this.” Maanav Himija explained the conclusions of the research.

Although the bureaucracy and the government dismissed the report as being ‘frivolous', the researchers got a shot in their arm when leading cartoonist of India, Pran Kumar Sharma, startlingly disclosed that the name of his famous cartoon character “Sabu” (from the Chacha Chaudhary series) was actually inspired form the word “Babu”, a Hindi slang for a bureaucrat.

For the uninitiated, Sabu is a twenty feet tall (who increases his flab size whenever he wants) pet giant of Chacha Chaudhary. He originally belongs to Jupiter and eats a lot of food, which often causes Chacha’s domestic budget to go haywire, attracting nagging criticism from Chachi, the wife of Chacha Chaudhary. Sabu acts and does some work only when Chacha Chaudhary is in deep shit trouble, else he sleeps peacefully in normal times.

“I must admit that I had modeled Sabu on a bureaucrat, a rather friendly and active bureaucrat. You can very easily see that all his characteristics matches so well with those in bureaucracy. And now you are telling me about this research. I’m not at all surprised that Yeti was also a bureaucrat. These scientists have done a good job and must be congratulated.” cartoonist Pran told Faking News.

Salient features of Railway Budget 2009-10

New Delhi. With the new budget Maamta Di has also announced new perks. Railing behind the pro-gay ruling, she has announced a new quota called the ‘Gay Quota’. All RAC can be automatically converted to Gay Quota as they will have no problem in sharing berths. 'Pulling the Chain' will have also a different context in the railway rule. If the male co-passenger does not give his consent, then pulling the chain can lead to two nights in isolation in a jail in Delhi or Rs. 377 fine or both. Like there were separate coupa for women, there will be another coupa for men travelling alone as our bhai-baap will be unsafe from the gayish look of straight men.

Tatkaal scheme will be now renamed to 'Taatkaal' scheme to give it a pro-Bengal accent. Since Lalu has now converted to a non-veggie and started eating chicken, chicken will be removed from the menu and replaced with maacher-jhol (fish curry). This will give Lalu the reinforcing feeling that he was not in power. To rub it further, his father-in-law will not be allowed to board the train without a proper ticket now.

Trains would now stop at all the nondescript stations in West Bengal. The railway minister said this at the inauguration of New Railway e-Mail Service "Train should stop at Malda Town as well as Malda Village. If Malda Village doesn't exist, then a new station should be created with this name".

The minister said that the RMS (Railway Mail Service) should change to Railway email service. It has appointed Mr. Chandan Nilekani of Tinfosys for the same. Mr. Nilekani will quit his job and lead the Railway informatics team. Other Indian software companies like BATA Consultancy Services (BCS) will also be benefitted by this as they will be given some contract to manage data. A German company, TAP Labs based out of Bangalore will be given the contract to carry out seamless distribution of email across the nation and the world. It will use a pioneering concept of opening the tap and filling it at stations. It will be an electronic tap and fill the bogie with email at a particular station.

There will be no increase in fare and the unreserved waitlisted AC 1st class ticket can now be converted to a low cost airline named Dice Jet, because when you travel by Dice Jet, your chance of reaching the destination is dicey and you take almost the same time as railways.

Lalu's Kullhad will be now replaced by Nano cups. It will be the smallest cup in the market. Mr Patan Bata, chairman of BATA group expressed his gratitude for getting business in Bengal. He has suffered major loss when Nano car project was thrown out of Bengal. He will make some profit by selling nano cups. He agreed that he will employ 100% of labours from the neighbouring Jhhingur village in Bengal.

With these set of reforms in the Railways, the budget is sure to give a mishti (sweet) feeling in the 'Korbo-Lorbo-Jeetbo' generation.

(Submitted by the correspondent 'Idiot Box' through the Railway e-mail Service)

Railway passengers will be fined for snoring and farting

New Delhi. In a significant development, Railway Minister Mamta Banerjee announced a new rule for Indian Railways that would empower TTEs (Train Ticket Examiners) to penalize passengers indulged in persistent snoring or farting while traveling. The penalty could range from a fine of 500 Rupees to five hours of imprisonment inside the train toilet. The rule was announced while presenting the Railway Budget for financial year 2009-10, and will come into effect from next week.

The rule has been welcomed and come as a relief to millions of non-snoring-non-farting railway commuters, who otherwise were disappointed with the minister over non-introduction of new facilities to enrich the traveling experience. Such harassed commuters will now have an option of complaining to the TTE about a snoring or farting passenger causing discomfort to them, following which the TTE would be free to exercise his punitive powers right away.

“It’s a very good decision. In fact I would say that this is the best that Mamtadi could do to better the traveling experience. What’s the use of other facilities when there is a farting zombie sitting with you? Can you imagine a situation where you are served the most delicious food by the Railways and as soon as you open the packet, the guy sitting next to you farts? It sucks man! Same goes for snoring losers; what’s the use of being offered a cozy berth with Kashmiri shawl if the guy sleeping on the next berth is sending out a wake up alarm all the time?” Prashant, a railway commuter told.

But many people believe that the new rule curtails the fundamental rights of people, especially the right to equality and the right to freedom of expression. They believe that fining or imprisoning someone is akin to treating them like criminals, which violates the fundamental rights of people.

“On what basis farting or snoring could be deemed as a crime? On one hand we just had gay sex being legalized and on the other hand we are witnessing farting and snoring being illegalized. This is shocking. Just like gays choose to release their sexuality in a different way, these people choose to release air in a bit different way from the majority. How can it be a punishable crime?” Ashant, a Human Rights activist protested.

These activists suggest that people having problems with snoring or farting passengers should change their berths instead of victimizing the poor souls. Fearing a showdown between protestors and supporters of the new rule, some pacifists have suggested a system that could allow people to indicate themselves as farters or non-farters while booking the tickets so that the railways can club them separately and allocate berths accordingly.

Ms. Mamta Banerjee promised to look into the matter but she categorically denied that the rule could be scrapped following these protests, which means that rest of the passengers can breathe a whiff of fresh air for now.

Durex to launch gay condoms in India

New Delhi. It seems that a whole new gay economy is waiting to open up after Delhi High Court legalized gay sex in India today. Experts anticipate that more and more gays would now come out in open and assert their identity and rights after this verdict. This also potentially opens up a new and lucrative consumer group for marketers as most of the gays and lesbians are assumed to be belonging to well-off families.

Durex, the international condom manufacturers, has become the first corporate group to reach out to this potential consumer group. The company announced its plan to launch exclusive condoms for Indian gays. The ‘gay’ condom has been named “GayPlay” and the company claims that it differs from the ‘straight’ condoms in aesthetics and components, and has been designed exclusively for gays keeping in view their special needs. GayPlay condoms would be made of latex as usual, but the thickness and lubricity of the material will vary from the straight condoms.

“Gays need condoms that can sustain coarse wear and tear over a period of time but still are able to provide silky lubrication. The regular condoms fail on these factors and prove to be useless for gays. GayPlay has all that the gays needed but we were afraid that the product would have been declared illegal in India. Now that India has legalized gay sex, the last hurdle in the launch of GayPlay has gone.” Durex issued a press release announcing the launch.

Experts believe that this is just the beginning and we could see many more gay targeted products and services being offered soon in India. Google hot trends also showed that most Indians searched for India’s first gay cartoon character “Gaydhak” immediately after gay sex was declared legal.

“Gaydhak is just a small fry but a good beginning for India. But India needs to learn a lot from the outside world. You would be happy to learn that we could soon have the first gay Disneyland in the USA. Our lobbyists are trying hard to pressurize Obama administration to give green signal to the proposed Disneyland and inaugurate it by unveiling a grand statute of Pluto embracing Goofy. It would be so cool.” Homa Gaylot, a leading gay rights activist told Faking News.

Gay right groups expect services like gay amusement parks, gay pubs, and gay matrimony websites to be launched soon in India. But their ultimate dream is to see Gay Premier League (GPL) being organized by the BCCI.

“We are normal people. We do normal things and like all other normal Indians, we love Cricket. We would be most happy to see GPL being organized in India. I’m sure Shahrukh Khan will definitely buy a gay team and support the cause. We are sure his gay team would do much better than his supposedly straight Knight Riders.” Homa Gaylot expressed hope.

Men’s right group demand ban on condoms

Paris, France. A group of masculinists, operating under an organization called MOTA (Men On Top Association), have demanded a ban on condoms on grounds of it being a sign of ‘subservience’. These masulinists plan to meet President Nicolas Sarkozy to apprise him of their concerns. MOTA activists have also appealed to the media and civil associations in other countries to take up the matter in their respective nations and get rid of condoms, which they refer to as ‘labyrinth of latex’.

“No man wants to wear condoms of his own, even the academia acknowledges it, then why are millions of men all around the world made to wear it daily? It’s the right to free choice that is at risk here. Condoms deprive men of their dignity and identity. It’s a sign of debasement.” MOTA chief Farren Warrell called for a universal ban on condoms.

Activists claim that the world is just too insensitive to men’s rights and men have been at the receiving end from the society for long e.g. only men are recruited to get killed in the army in each nation. These activists favor use of ‘equitable’ methods for birth control as they deem condoms as being ‘discriminatory’.

“Condoms are not sign of birth control; they are a sign of control over men’s desires and freedom. France has always taken steps to defend individual freedom and has discouraged signs of discrimination and degradation such as burqa (veil). It’s high time condoms are banned too.” Mr. Warrell argued.

But not all men are impressed with the demand. While some of them accepted that they didn’t particularly enjoy wearing condoms, they argued that condoms were still required to protect themselves against various risks like AIDS and abrasion (sic). A few of them also claimed that they actually enjoyed wearing condoms and it was, in fact, a sign of their masculinity.

“Mr. Warrell has gone mad. What does he know about condoms and masculinity? Has he ever used them? Condoms are not just about birth control, they improve your self-respect. He has denigrated condoms and manhood both. I demand an unconditional apology otherwise he’d have to face dangerous consequences.” a condom supporter told Faking News.

The Yemeni Connection

Aden, Yemen. The government has now waded in to the KG gas controversy by sending an unusually clear message to the Ambani brothers. “The most important thing is that this gas belongs to the government”, said Milind Deora to Faking News.

As the reverberations of this gas problem is felt everywhere from the Ministry of Petroleum & Gas to the Ambanis’ bedrooms, this special correspondent decided to try a different angle, to give this story a better slant, like all reporters at this fabulous news outlet whose coverage of 26/11 was unparalleled, on more than one level. Our story now moves to Aden, the financial capital of Yemen.

It's 6:15 in the evening and the stream of trucks are just starting to dissipate. The setting sun gives the dust an orange tinge, like that Minute-maid pulpy orange ad (where the orange is flying around - same colour... yeah, that one!). At the corner of Al- A’am Ba Ni gas station sits Ahmed on a rusty chair, reminiscing over a life of rusted relationships. He was born in 1965 to a Yemeni mother and an Indian father, his father abandoning him soon after.

“My mother used to tell me of my father, he went back to India and started a textile company, then got into oil refining and made lot of money.” Of course, Ahmed got no share of that fortune, being the child his father never acknowledged.

“My father is dead now but his name lives on the feuds of his greedy children”, he says caustically. “My father took the hard way out, and made it big thanks to his hard work and determination. He gave his children a life he never had and never spared them the finest of anything. They inherited his fortune. But look at the petty squabbling those two indulge in. It’s greed at its ugliest.”

Sitting at the dusty petrol bunk, the lack of bitterness in Ahmed’s voice was conspicuous. In the distance, he points out to his two children playing football, kicking up dust as they scream wildly. The dust has an orange tinge, a minute maid-ish sort of orange (Feel the Orange. Feel the Pulp).

“You know, my father left them a lot of money, big houses and fancy cars. He also left them strife, jealousy and a life full of death threats. My father left me all the valuable things- stability, peace of mind, a good night’s sleep. In many ways, my father gave those two his curse and he left me with the good fortune of a simple life.”

The sun had now set and the large “Reliance” neon sign above his petrol station came alive. Ahmed noticed me staring at the sign and smiled at me, the irony had not been lost on him.

This article was made possible by the generous contribution of Choke-a-Cola. Choke-a-Cola has always encouraged the finest journalists (like fine Kinley water) to cover nuanced stories from all over the world. Choke has as much a “non-profit intention” as Diet Choke has calories.

(Submitted through email by Evil Twin. To submit your own stories on this site, please visit this link)

Bureaucrat accused of sodomy was receiving piles treatment?

Bhopal. The curious case of unbuttoned pants of an IAS officer has taken another bizarre turn. Gyaneshwar Patil, CEO of a Bhopal district panchayat, who was inexplicably caught on camera in a semi-nude condition in his office last midnight, now says that he was receiving treatment for piles when mediapersons stormed his office and shot his pictures without his pants on. Earlier Mr. Patil, who was accused of sodomy by Sikandarabad Village Panchayat Secretary Satish Chaukse, had claimed that Chaukse was trying to blackmail him and tarnish his image.

“I was shamed and mortified after shameless journalists caught me pants down. Out of embarrassment I told things which I didn’t mean. The truth is that I am suffering from painful piles and Chaukse had claimed that he knew some exotic remedy that could cure even the most complex cases of piles. That night I stayed back late in the office to get treatment from Chaukse. Finally he arrived around midnight and asked me to take my pants off and come along with him in the bathroom so that he could examine me closely. I didn’t know I was falling for a trap, but I believed him as I desperately wanted to get rid of this painful swelling.” Patil told.

Patil has requested Chief Minister Shivraj Singh Chouhan to revoke his suspension order and help him get some medical help. He has also demanded that quacks like Chaukse and journalists, who seized his pants and tossed to each other, should be arrested and punished. He accused journalists of pushing him in a very uncomfortable position causing him to speak all wrong things out of embarrassment.

“In Indian subcontinent, you are made to be ashamed of your misfortunes. Even a great cricketer like Shoaib Akhtar was made fun of because he was suffering from genital warts. That’s why I was very uncomfortable when journalists asked me all kinds of questions. I couldn’t tell them my medical problems. Our society needs to be more sensitive towards people suffering from such diseases.” Patil requested people to be more considerate.

After this new twist in the tale, the Madhya Pradesh Government has ordered composition of a medical committee that will examine Gyaneshwar Patil and all other IAS officers for possible cases of piles. A government statement requested officers not to trust quacks and desist from receiving treatment in government offices. The government has refused to revoke the suspension order of Mr. Patil till the committee submits its report.

But the alleged victim of sodomy Satish Chaukse has rubbished the claims of Gyaneshwar Patil and denied having any information or knowledge about piles in general or Patil’s medical conditions in particular. He also refused the charges that he trapped Patil into taking his pants off.

“Why would I work as a Panchayat Secretary for a low salary if I had any special information on treatment of piles? I would have made a killing through medical practice as I’m sure there are lots of sore assholes (sic.) around. This is just a ruse by Patil to divert attention from the real issues.” Chaukse claimed.

CBI gives clean chit to pigs in Swine Flu case

New Delhi. Cell Biology and Immunology (CBI) department of AIIMS has given clean chit to pigs in Swine Flu cases across the world. The department has found out that the present outbreak of Swine Flu has got nothing to do with any swine i.e. pig, as no confirmed case of transmittance of H1N1 virus from a pig to any human being has been registered till now. The group has heavily criticized media for maligning pigs by calling the disease ‘Swine Flu’ and has suggested replacing the term by ‘American Flu’.

“This is really shocking. The disease started in American continent, especially in Mexico, among human beings and spread to other parts of the world through human beings only, still the media called it ‘Swine’ Flu! Not a single pig is down with this flu; in fact farmers are worried that their pigs might get this flu from human beings. The world owes an apology to pigs.” CBI press release told.

The disclosure by CBI has been welcomed by pork-eaters and pig farmers. Farmers have asked the government to take steps so that pigs don’t get flu from men. Government has been unable to provide any information as there has been a confusion among Ministries of Agriculture, Animal Husbandry, Health & Nutrition, and Rural Development for taking full responsibility for prevention and cure.

The confusion got even messier with involvement of Ministries of Information & Broadcasting (I&B) and Information Technology (IT). While I&B ministry is supposed to tell the Indian news channels and newspapers to stop using the term ‘Swine Flu’ form now onwards, IT ministry got a fax from Health ministry to install an AntiVirus for H1N1 virus.

Such inaction and confusion by the government has come under sharp attack from opposition parties with the main opposition party BJP accusing the UPA government led by Congress of conniving in a conspiracy to malign pigs to appease those who think pigs are unclean and eating pork is sin. Congress has rubbished BJP’s claim and has hit back by asking what BJP did when cows were maligned through mad-cow disease.

Apart from BJP, communist parties too have accused the government of being a party to an ugly conspiracy, although the left parties didn’t think it a conspiracy to appease pork-haters. Communist parties believe that the latest disease was called ‘Swine Flu’ instead of ‘American Flu’ to save the name and fame of the USA. Communist parties have decided to start a mass awareness campaign against the UPA government’s servile attitude do the USA.

Man spots cheating wife on Google Earth

New Delhi. A man has filed a case for divorce after he claimed that he saw pictures of his wife cuddling up to a stranger on Google Earth. The man, Shaqqi Usman, was searching for directions to a girls' hostel on Google Earth Pro when he spotted the satellite images of his wife Wafaa Usman in arms of an unidentified man. Shaqqi claims that images are clear and crucial proof of his wife’s adulterous character.

“I was shocked to see the images and I immediately printed the images before they could be superimposed by new ones. Court should ask Google to provide other details about the pictures so that erring wives like mine are brought to book.” Shaqqi told after filing the case in Delhi High Court.

Court has issued summons to Wafaa Usman and Google’s India office in the case and has deferred the hearing for another six months and twenty three days. But it seems Shaqqi could be in trouble for making this novel use of technology. His wife Wafaa has accused Shaqqi of using pirated version of Google Earth software.

“He doesn’t even earn a paisa. The household expenses are being taken care of by me and I am even paying for his internet bills. He downloaded pirated version of Google Earth without my knowledge and now he has come up with this ridiculous accusation. I’d sue Google for privacy if Google doesn’t sue him for using pirated software.” an angry Wafaa told Faking News.

A statement from Google India has tried to downplay the whole situation and has refused to confirm if it would sue Shaqqi Usman for using pirated version of Google Earth. But the company categorically denied that Google Earth infringes on privacy rights of any individual.

“The degree of privacy of an act performed by a person in open or public space is debatable. Google respects privacy of a person as we don’t even read the content of emails on our server.” the statement by the company read.

‘Kalavati’ replaces ‘Web 2.0’ as millionth word

Houston, USA. The Global Language Monitor today reversed their early decision to include ‘Web 2.0’ as the millionth word to enter the English language. Global Language Monitor, which uses a mathematical formula to track and measure the frequency of words and phrases in print and electronic media, revealed that ‘Web 2.0’ was pushed to the second spot by ‘Kalavati’ when they included words in broadcast media and public speeches. Kalavati also beat ‘Slumdog’ in the race.

“It was brought to our notice that spoken words in broadcast media and public speeches must also be taken into account while including a word in any language. We thought it a sensible thing to do and took into account all oral occurrences of different words for the last one year. To our surprise, an underdog and little known word ‘Kalavati’ from India beat all the other favorites.” President of the Global Language Monitor Mr. Bolna Halke informed.

‘Kalavati’ has been included as a noun as well as an adjective in the English language.

As a noun, Kalavati has been classified as a ‘common’ and ‘uncountable’ noun and defined as ’a person who is wretched and vulnerable despite being exposed to influential and powerful bodies’.

“You would end up being a kalavati by taking admission in that MBA institute.” was one of the sample uses of the one millionth word of English language as a noun.

As an adjective, Kalavati has been classified as ‘predicative’ and ‘absolute’ adjective and defined as ‘condition of being left desolate and disillusioned after experiencing a promising beginning’.

“It made me kalavati when I found out that the agricultural land I had bought was completely barren.” and “The girl, kalavati after being cheated by her boyfriend, decided to commit suicide.” were sample uses of Kalavati as the latest adjective of English language.

Women’s reservation might encourage sex change operations: Study

New Delhi. A study undertaken by Faking News Intelligence Group (FNIG) has revealed that many Indian leaders might go for sex change operation to bypass the women’s reservation bill provisions, whenever it becomes a law. The bill provisions for one third of the parliamentary seats to be reserved for contest by women candidates only, and it has met sharp opposition from many members of the parliament in the past.

The study was conducted through personal interviews of existing and potential leaders of the country and vital inputs were solicited from lawyers, doctors, and mathematicians. The study reveals that there is 99.53% chance of a person undergoing sex change operation from being a man into being a woman to take the benefits of reservation or to salvage one’s parliamentary seat.

“Reservations based on one’s gender are vulnerable to be misused. Just like reservations based on religious basis can encourage religious conversions, reservation based on gender basis can encourage sexual conversions.” FNIG report noted.

The report suggests that the qualification of being a ‘woman’ must be properly and comprehensively defined in the bill before it is passed. The report advocates setting up a Central Bureau of Identification of Gender (CBI-G) for issuing ‘sex certificates’ to the candidates willing to make use of reservation provisions.

“CBI-G must award such certificates of being a woman only to persons who have been a full functioning woman for at least the last fifteen years continuously. The guidelines and parameters must be made highly stringent so that people undergoing deliberate sex change to misuse the law fail in their nefarious designs.” the report suggested.

Leaders like Mulayam Singh Yadav, Sharad Yadav and Uma Bharti have welcomed the findings of the FNIG report and have cautioned government not to push the women’s reservation bill in wake of the new findings. These leaders claimed that they stood vindicated in their conviction that the women’s reservation bill was a conspiracy and an ill-thought bill.

But women’s rights groups have criticized these leaders and rejected the finding of the report, accusing the Faking News group to be full of male chauvinist pigs, who could as well be responsible for cases of Swine Flu in the country. They have asked the UPA government to direct CBI to look into the matter and ban Faking News if the organization doesn’t take back the report. They have also demanded Pagal Patrakar to be removed and replaced by some Pagli Patrakarin. Faking News rejects such accusations upfront.

But some women’s rights group have came in support of Faking News group and have welcomed the findings of the report, although they don’t agree with the suggestion of the FNIG report to make the definition and parameters of being a woman too stringent.

“I guess it would be a welcome development if men undergo sex change operations. We have just too many men around today. The sex ratio of our country is skewed badly and is causing all sorts of problems. If the FNIG report is true, finally we can see more women being born, who were otherwise denied birth.” Roop Kanwar, a women’s right activist opined.

Jarnail’s Joota revives Chappell memories

New Delhi. The whole world was stunned when a journalist called Jarnail Singh threw a shoe (also known as Joota in Hindi) at Indian Home Minister P Chidambaram. People couldn’t believe their eyes when Jarnail stood up and flung the shoe. It was shocking – it was clearly an underarm action – something the whole world thought was never to be repeated again after it shook the civil society 28 years ago.

It was February 1, 1981, and Australia was playing a One Day International cricket match against New Zealand in Melbourne. New Zealand needed to hit a six on the last ball to tie the match. To secure victory, Australian captain Greg Chappell instructed his brother and bowler Trevor Chappell to deliver the last ball underarm. The ball was thrown underarm, almost along the ground, and Australia won the match.

Although underarm delivery was technically legal at that time, the incident caused major controversy and outcry on and off the cricketing field, resulting in underarm action being banned. Underarm action was not seen again until Jarnail Singh rose to throw the shoe, which has now raised the ghost of bad deeds of Chappell brothers. People are also calling it “the Joota-Chappell connection” between the two incidents.

“Congress might have forgiven Jarnail Singh even though he didn’t ask for apology, but New Zealand will never forgive Chappell brothers for what they did in 1981. These brothers brought shame not only to their own country but to the whole game of cricket. Australia must not give them any tickets, lest they fly out of the country and spread such unethical behavior outside.” New Zealand cricket captain Daniel Vettori told in a press conference.

But Daneile Vettori seemed to have forgotten that Australia had already given tickets to Greg Chappell, who flew out of his country to coach India. But his sentiments were echoed by former Indian cricket captain Sourav Ganguly, who also blamed Greg Chappell for having set a bad precedent and demanded that Chappell be arrested for his original sins.

“Jarnail would have been an innocent school going kid when the 1981 incident happened. Clearly that has left a deep mark on his psyche and he committed the mistake of throwing the shoe underarm. Instead of blaming Jarnail, we must identify the root of the problem and address that.” Ganguly demanded.

Meanwhile Jarnail’s Joota act has given rise to fears that the underarm action can become popular again as a tool to secure victories. Authorities have declared that no one would be allowed to get away easily after breaking the rules, even as they let Jarnail Singh go off without registering a case against him.

Unfortunately this purely cricketing incident is slowly getting mired in political controversies as well with a Congress leader called Jagdish Tytler claiming that the action of Jarnail Singh was politically motivated.

Elections for Kashmir will be held in Ireland

Srinagar. The Election Commission of India (ECI) has decided to hold the parliamentary elections for Jammu and Kashmir (J&K) Lok Sabha seats in Ireland. This has been done after the J&K state government expressed inability to provide foolproof security for elections in wake of the ongoing volatile incidents in neighboring Pakistan. The ECI had the option of either shifting the elections until after situation in Pakistan became normal, or carrying out the elections under the supervision of limited security forces, but it surprised everyone by its decision.

“We were not sure if situation in Pakistan will ever become normal. And to add to that, we expect a lot of political uncertainty all over India after the General Elections 2009 results come out. That would have further made it impossible to hold elections in Jammu and Kashmir. After a lot of internal deliberations and external consultations, we thought that it was best to hold the elections elsewhere.” ECI commissioner Naveen Chawla informed.

Sources confirm that Indian Premier League (IPL) commissioner Lalit Modi too was consulted by ECI before this decision was taken. ECI refused to tell the exact location where elections for Jammu and Kashmir would be held causing widespread speculations. While most of the mediapersons thought that it could be held either in England or South Africa, Faking News has learnt from its reliable sources that the elections would be held in Northern Ireland.

“There were very few areas in this world where elections for Kashmir could have been held. Although many people in Kashmir, who otherwise don’t participate and vote in elections, would have wanted the elections to be held in Palestine, Indian government would have never agreed to that. The next best option was Northern Ireland and I guess the government will have no problem with that. All these speculations about England and South Africa are rubbish.” one of our sources in ECI leaked us the information.

The decision attracted a lot of criticism from different quarters although the political parties seemed to be happy with it. According to reports coming in, Mehbooba Mufti and Omar Abdullah have already started preparations for traveling and campaigning abroad. Hurriyat parties too, for a change, have expressed interest in traveling, though they were tight lipped about campaigning or taking part in the elections. But all these leaders criticized the Indian government as they couldn’t get clear information about the embassy they should approach for getting visa of Northern Ireland.

Meanwhile critics and social activists have called the whole process a travesty of democracy. A couple of social activists have threatened to go to courts to stop ECI from holding Indian elections abroad. But a few of the experts thought this was always on card.

“First they shifted Indian movie shootings to abroad venues. Then they shifted IPL matches. After Bollywood and Cricket, it was but obvious that Politics was next in line, and it has happened now. I won’t be surprised if Religion, another favorite pastime of Indians, is also shifted abroad. So watch out, next Amarnath Yatra could happen in Timbaktu.” Prem Pujari, a social thinker, opined.

Gays get their own political party

Bengaluru. A new political party has been formed to work for homosexual rights in India. Formation of Bhartiya Samlaingik Party (BSP) was announced here by Gays and Lesbian Association of India. The new party will contest next general elections and field its candidates from all parts of India.

“BSP candidates would not necessarily be homosexuals, but we’d prefer and encourage homosexuals to come out in open and fight elections.” founding president of the BSP Ahmed Anju Iyer told a jampacked press conference.

BSP also declared three central issues around which its political camping will revolve – Abrogation of Section 377 of Indian Penal Code, Formation of a Homosexual Personal Law, and Building a grand mall/multiplex in Bengaluru for central activities of homosexuals in India that will be called Golmall (gays or lesbians mall).

Mr. Iyer also warned that homosexuals would no longer tolerate victimization of their community and disrespect shown to their beliefs. He claimed that homosexuals were the most discriminated against minority group in India.

“How could the central government file an affidavit in Delhi High Court arguing that we are social vice and pervert mind? No minority group has been victim of this degree. The government had withdrawn their affidavit questioning existence of Lord Ram under pressure of Hindus. BSP will form such a pressure group for homosexual rights.” Mr. Iyer explained the political agenda.

Mr. Iyer even threatened that if victimization and criminal branding of homosexuals doesn’t stop, they would be forced to become terrorists. He told that he has come to know of a group that has been formed to present the militant face of homosexuality. The group is called Homosexual Initiative for Militancy in India (HIMI).

When journalists asked whether he was getting into unlawful activities through HIMI and talks of terrorism, Mr. Iyer refuted these charges as baseless.

“HIMI is not directly associated with us and we don’t know who members of HIMI are. It might well be a conspiracy to defame homosexuals, we don’t know. But threat of terrorism looms large. Going by the statements of present leaders in the government, I guess we can safely assume that there is a right to terrorism for a victimized minority group, and some of us may make use of that right.” Mr. Iyer told.

Mr. Iyer was candid enough to admit that absence of a common religion among homosexuals was the main reason why Indian homosexuals have not been able to form a pressure group or carry terrorist attacks. He claimed that recent initiatives by Church in West to have special churches for homosexuals were attempts to convert homosexuals, and at the same time keep them in a ghetto.

The manifesto and constitution of BSP will be released next week and currently the thrust will be to induct new members.

God sorry for creating woman!

New Delhi. On International Women’s Day, Faking News was shocked to receive an e-mail, apparently sent by the almighty God himself (or herself?), expressing regret for having created woman.

“I shouldn’t have done it. I shouldn’t have created woman. I’m sorry.”

This is all that the e-mail body read. Sender’s display name read as “GOD”, while the e-mail address of the sender read as “undisclosed”.

Our team got the e-mail checked and verified from lawyers, policemen, software engineers, bankers, managers, Bollywood actors, politicians and bureaucrats, but all of them were unable to confirm with confidence that the e-mail could have been a hoax, following which Faking News concluded that the e-mail was from God only.

But this terse e-mail from God has caused widespread confusion and bickering among people on earth. Different groups are interpreting the e-mail in their own way, claiming their respective interpretations as the true representation of God’s will.

Jaish-e-Mardana (JeM), a militant group operating in Swat valley of Pakistan, has declared that God was unhappy with today’s womankind for having gone astray from the true path. The group has warned all women that they should submit to the will of God and stop wearing sinful dresses and reading heretic books. JeM has warned that if woman didn’t mend their ways, they might be forced to behead them to lessen the sorrow of God.

“We always knew that God was sorry for what today’s infidel women were doing. Women were not made to do men’s jobs, else why would have God made women at all? Wasn’t God better off creating more men to do men’s jobs? Women must follow this order from God and start behaving properly. Today God is sorry, tomorrow he’d be angry. We can’t let the world face the wrath of God due to errant women.” JeM chief Mardood Azgar thundered.

Mardood’s sentiments were echoed by some groups operating in India too. Representatives of Stree Roko Sena (SRS) i.e. army to stop women, too have claimed that that God was unhappy with wayward lifestyle of women and was sorry for the same.

“Today women spend more time in pubs drinking wine and talking dirty than at home bringing up children. God is sorry to see such scenes and is so unhappy that he wishes that he shouldn’t have created these debauched drunkards at first place. Our representatives will not let this shameful game go on in the name of liberty. Now we have the blessings from God himself.” SRS chief Pramod Maintalli claimed.

Similar thoughts were expressed by many other organizations too, all claiming their interpretation of God’s terse words as the most authentic and final, threatening each other to kill over the differences. Although the aggression and extremism of such organizations was not backed or matched by them, many experts and sociologists too believed that God had every reason to be unhappy with his decision to create woman.

“History is witness how men had to suffer right from the day God created woman. First she made the innocent man eat the forbidden fruit and be expelled from heavens to earth, and if that was not enough, she brought miseries to earth in Pandora ’s Box. God has finally realized his mistake after seeing ages of suffering man had to go through. Better late than never.” Farren Warrel, a leading Man’s rights activist and a progressive masculinist told Faking News.

But there were many people who completely rubbished all such claims and accused Faking News and other media organizations of blowing everything out of proportion.

“I wonder why Faking News didn’t get the e-mail checked by priests, religious scholars, theologians, or even philosophers. They have solicited reactions and opinions from people who must not dabble in religious matters. This has given undue importance to useless and senseless ideas.” Choam Nomsky, a media critic and linguist, blasted our reporter.

Finally when Faking News asked a few theologians and other philosophers over their take on the e-mail by God, they had a completely opposite view from what was being widely believed by the majority. This was one of the reactions we got –

“God is indeed sorry for women. Who won’t be? Just take a look around and you’d understand. What have men done to this creation of God? She is subjugated, exploited, denied basic rights, humiliated, and even exterminated. God created women because man pleaded for a companion. God obliged, and today God is sorry that he yielded to man’s most devious of the demands.”