Sunday, November 30, 2008

Terror attacks can’t dampen pigeons’ spirits

Mumbai. While different television channels chased rescued hostages and guests of different hotels that were targeted by terrorists, Faking News decided to give those harrowed and exhausted people a break. But since we needed an eyewitness account or interview of the terror strikes, we caught hold of someone who saw and experienced the terror at Taj Hotel from a close range.

Indian SpiritWe managed to interview Guturgu Patil – a pigeon (identified by a red circle in the adjoining picture) who fearlessly countered the terrorism threat. Followings are the highlights of our interview with Guturgu, which was carried out in risky situation when NSG commandos were still fighting out the elusive terrorists. Our Faking News reporters have always risked their lives to bring the latest and exclusive news and views to you. Okay, back to the interview:

Faking News (FN): Thanks Mr. Patil, how are you feeling now?

Guturgu Patil (GP): I feel like a human has put his droppings on me. It stinks.

FN: We are sorry for your condition, what was going through your mind when grenades and gunshots were going off for the last two days?

GP: What kind of question is that? Of course I was worried about my grains being eaten by others as I had to fly off each time those big sounds went off.

FN: But we must congratulate you, as we saw that you, along with other pigeons, used to come back instantly and eat the grains. Those dozens of big sounds didn’t seem to affect and terrorize you.

GP: Yes, thanks. That’s the Indian spirit. We shouldn’t be discouraged by terrorists and lose sight of our grains. We must come back silently each time after a big sound and start eating the grains again as if nothing had happened. After all, how much time and effort does it take to fly off again when the next sound goes off?

FN: But you just told that you were worried that your grains could be eaten by others. How do you harmonize that fear with this spirit of resilience?

GP: See, let me tell you a secret. Some of these pigeons (whispers to our reporter), you see those little brown ones, we suspect them with being wings in glove with those terrorists throwing grenades and firing with AK47s. They share same color with the terrorists and sympathize with them. We, the white and bigger ones, suspect that they would eat our grains when we fly off.

FN: But we couldn’t notice any of those brown little ones staying back after the sounds. They too used to fly off with you white bigger ones. They too seemed scared and worried.

GP: They just act to win sympathy from people like you. Go and search their nests, and you would find the truth. Also, they lay more eggs than us and want to eat all the grains. They should be driven out of India and Mumbai.

FN: hmmm… so you think the real problem are not those human terrorists throwing grenades but those brown little pigeons?

GP: I’m not saying anything. But I’m fed up of these loud sounds. In fact, I think my hearing capacity has gone down, and now I don’t even mind those loud sounds so much, yeah actually, so many sounds now, I guess it’s a part of my life now. But we bigger white ones should go for louder sounds and scare those brown little ones and eat their grains.

FN: Guturgu ji, we can understand your frustration and anger, but believe us, those brown little ones are as scared as you white bigger ones. In fact, you know, two of them actually died as grenades landed on them. They too are suffering. Why not you two join hands and drive out these humans making loud sounds?

GP: hmmm… I wish your information was true. If it was true, we can think over it, but our white privileged pigeons and their brown privileged pigeons never agreed that humans were a common enemy. I’d request you to interview our leaders. And now, please go and let me eat my grains.

Faking News: thanks Guturgu, we hope you get to have a better life.

Guturgu Patil: it’s alright, it’s okay, and it doesn’t hurt us anymore, after all we symbolize world peace.

Read the complete Report and Comment

Mumbai terror attacks case solved

New Delhi. The Government of India and State Government of Maharashtra have solved the Mumbai terror attacks case. The speed at which this case has been solved is unprecedented for any government in the world. All the terrorists that had set Mumbai bleeding are either dead or will die in due course of time. There is no problem on that front. The real challenge was in indentifying who was behind the attacks. This is what congress spokesperson Abhishek Manu Singhvi told the reporters:

“Prime Minister Singh, who is known for his intelligence and intellect, took no time in understanding the Pakistani hand in the blasts. He even identified the group associated with the blast (LeT). India is proud to have a PM like him who does not bother himself with evidences. After all, isn’t it the system of producing evidences that has made our judiciary so inefficient? Even his best friend Bush did not need any evidence against Iraq. We are privileged to have a PM like him.

We are also privileged to have an intelligence agency so intelligent that just by hearing the dialect that they could trace the origin of terrorists to a particular city in Pakistan (Faridkot). It’s a big slap on those who say intelligence agencies in India are incapable.

As for terrorists, we need not worry about them. They are foolish enough to try taking the mothership back to Pakistan instead of just abandoning it (that also via Gujarat). They did not realize that it takes time to reach Karachi by sea and Indian Navy could catch it. They were right in Hindi Movies, “hatyara kitna bhi shaatir kyon na ho, suraag peeche chhod deta hai”, these idiots left an entire ship.”

The opposition party which alleges local involvement in every blast was so mesmerized by the intelligence of the PM that their leader agreed to jointly visit Mumbai with PM. Hope he got his hands on some wisdom.

One FM channel which was facing a lot of competition from a rival channel’s program called ‘traffic beat’ has started a new program called ‘terror beat’. The program will air the areas in which terror attacks are taking place and will suggest the commuters to take alternative routes. They are banking on the current Home Minister to continue after the Lok Sabha elections.

(The news-report has been submitted by a reader of Faking News through email)

Read the complete Report and Comment

Thursday, November 27, 2008

Mumbai terror attacks by media

This is one of the rare occasions when our team writes something serious, and unfortunately this is again a tragic occasion.

Our readers must have been watching television news for most of the day to get latest updates on the terrorist strikes in Mumbai, which started on Wednesday night and continued even as we write this (9.30 PM, Thursday) completing 24 hours when the first shootout was reported in Mumbai.

And I’m sure our readers not only got latest updates, they would have got to see latest ‘LIVE AND EXCLUSIVE’ videos and pictures on most of the news channels. The channels surely did a good job at getting news and information, whatever the source was, fast.

And the terrorists inside the hotels must have deputed one person to keep track of news reports to track movements of the security personnel and the army, and to finalize strategies to attack them.

Journalist friends of our team inform us that Home Ministry had called up editorial heads of news channels to direct them to stop reporting about deployment and movement of security agencies as it could compromise their safety, but the channels had some ‘internal resistance’ as they thought compliance with Ministry’s advices would compromise their ‘LIVE AND EXCLUSIVE’ status and TRPs.

But we watch the ‘LIVE AND EXCLUSIVE’ things and give them the TRPs. Maybe there should be an option of negative TRPs, just like we want negative vote in our electoral process.

Anyway, many of you couldn’t have slept and kept watching television (and improving TRPs) as the situation was so glum and depressing. And even if you had napped for a while, I guess you were shaken out of your slumber by our television anchors who hollered when smoke billowed out of Taj Hotel, as if a freak goal in football was scored or as if an accident in F1 race had taken place.

They also hollered to declare that it was 9/11 of India. Even a CIA official on CNN called it the same. In fact, foreign media, especially CNN and BBC, were talking all day about the terror strikes, even though it took some hours before CNN could convince their conscious that they should address the ‘gunmen’ as ‘terrorists’.

Yeah, indeed, it was 9/11 of India. But what did CNN do when 9/11 happened? They didn’t try to show ‘LIVE AND EXCLUSIVE’ rescue action, and they didn’t invade ground zero. Clearly Indian media could have learnt that. Hope they learn.

But they seemed to do one thing that CNN did when 9/11 happened. They didn’t take commercial breaks all night yesterday and till today’s morning. CNN had not taken commercial breaks for more than three days, perhaps for a week; correct us if we are wrong. Instead, CNN was showing messages of “we will not forget” and other messages of unity and reassurance during breaks between news bulletins. Our team thought our India media could at least match this aspect.

But we were wrong. Starting today afternoon, every channel, even the ones who exercised better editorial discretion (and ‘incidentally’ they were all English news channels), were showing advertisements of Chocolate Man, A monkey fond of wearing vests and underwear, slim sanitary napkins for women, and many other creative advertisements. And yeah, advertisements to vote for either BJP or Congress.

One of our pessimistic team member thought they didn’t take commercial break all night as those advertisement slots are anyway either not booked or realize low revenues, as there are very low TRPs of news channels in the night. Well, we don’t know what the reason was. Our journalist friends in news channels also don’t know.

Some of you might argue that after all news channels are in business, how can we expect them to not earn? Very true. We are not asking them to run in losses. We are not asking them to drop commercial advertisements with each terrorist strike as they seem to be routine now. But we believe that they could have taken such a decision this time as it was a rare occasion. They themselves called it 9/11 of India, everyday is not 9/11.

What would it have cost them? Just a 0.55% dip in the revenues for not showing advertisements for 2 days out of 365 days. Instead of each 100 rupees, they would have earned 99.45 rupees.

Such a big price to pay to show respect for the deaths of innocent people, in deference to sanity, in favor of wining credibility and support of people? Clearly the priorities lie elsewhere.

Anyway, we might be overreacting (are we?). But what explains the rationale behind India TV’s decision to broadcast a phone call by an alleged terrorist LIVE AND EXCLUSIVE?

The voice, listened to by millions all over India and abroad, claimed that the “Muslims of India would be proud of this act. Muslims of India are feeling relaxed and satisfied at their heart for this. Allah is with us and we’ll strike again” and similar messages.

And this audio clip was played again and again. Unedited, unrestrained, and unexplained. And a CNN reporter from Mumbai told his studio in Atlanta that some parts of India were feeling communal tensions and there could be communal riots.

India TV proudly claimed – आतंकवादी इंडिया टीवी देख रहे हैं – Terrorists Are Watching India TV. Poetic!

Lord, forgive them as they don’t know what they are doing.

Read the complete Report and Comment

Tuesday, November 25, 2008

Al-Qaida to lay off 15000 jobs in India

Nothing is left aboveMalegaon, Maharashtra. Economic downturn has finally hit the terrorism sector as well. Leading terrorist organization Al-Qaida has announced plans to lay off 15000 of its workers in India. While the step has created unrest in rank and files of Al-Qaida, the organization has asked its workers to support the mission in tough times. It also denied similar job-cuts in other countries for the time being, in fact officials hinted that there could be fresh recruitments in neighboring Pakistan.

“Everyone, including the kaafirs, realize that the world economy is going through a rough phase. Had the world adopted the true I-banking (Islamic banking) instead of satanic I-banking (investment banking or infidel banking), we would have been spared of this agony. Our decision is an example of how pious Muslims have to suffer due to presence of kaafirs and their policies in this world. We’d continue our fight to wipe them off.” Al-Qaida founder CEO Mr. Osama Bin Laden told Faking News from a secret barrack in a secret place.

Form this barrack, Osama also demanded that if Al-Qaida continues to suffer from bad financial condition, Islamic countries around the world should come together and prepare a bailout package, just as Christian countries are bailing out infidel bankers, failing which he would announce a jihad against these Islamic countries as well.

Talking about the planned layoffs in India, Mr. Bin Laden told that this unfortunate decision was taken due to various factors apart from the glum business scenario in the largely Hindu country.

“Competition is growing quite stiff in India from friendly as well as hostile organizations, especially with elections around. Anyone, just about anyone, seems to be capable of carrying out terrorist strike in India and not get caught or punished. In such a scenario, Al-Qaida loses its brand pull factor and has been unable to leverage our core competency. We can’t support our workers for long when we are fast losing business. I’m pained to take this decision, but I’m not under any pressure.” Mr. Bin Laden averred.

But sources say that the organization has gone into such bad financial conditions as they had taken very risky positions on posthumous honor, houri and housing loans, which they sold indiscriminately to thousands, some suspect the number to be in millions, of their supporters in India in shape of promis(e)sor(r)y notes and bonds.

Their supporters, families of their supporters, and even some non-member supporters of the supporters had recently started queuing up to cash out their bonds and p-notes after some successful operations by the organization, which put the organization in a quandary. The rising cost of operations in Pakistan, Iraq and Afghanistan and falling interest rates from various quarters had already put Al-Qaida in a liquidity crunch, and the demands from India pushed it in a severe liquidity crisis, which ultimately forced it to announce job cuts.

“We had told Mr. Laden that some alternative arrangements could be made. Many of our Hindu supporters and even competitors in India would have worked out a bailout plan for us. Our businesses enjoy impeccable synergies and we strongly felt that we could have reached out to them, but Mr. Laden refused to take help from infidels and instead announced this massive lay off.” an Indian post holder of Al-Qaida told Faking News on conditions of anonymity.

The news seemed to have created panic not only in Indian markets but abroad as well. While Sensex fell 786 points as soon as the news came out in public, oil prices started moving up after continuously falling for last few days. Supporters of other terrorist organizations in India are reported to be mulling over cashing out various bonds and p-notes held by them. Abhinav Bharati Kankaria, who holds a bond which is due to mature in May 2009, was one of such persons.

“I think there is no point holding it for so long in such a situation. If a big and international organization like Al-Qaida can’t guarantee security to its members, my organization, which is a small-cap company and which has already started struggling after the IPO (initial punitive operation), can’t guarantee me anything. I am going to cash out today itself.” Abhinav Bharati told Faking News.

Meanwhile Finance Minister of India has asked banks and financial institutions like ATS (advantage tricks sponsors) to cut down interest rates so that troubled organizations can raise money from the market and keep their operations alive.

Read the complete Report and Comment

Sunday, November 23, 2008

Recession could unite Ambani brothers

Mumbai. After the Ambani brothers Mukesh and Anil shook hands at L K Advani’s industry meet, a letter, purported to be written by Anil to Mukesh, is causing turmoil in the financial and business world. The letter suggests that junior Ambani is warming up to his elder brother to end differences and merge the businesses of both the groups, which parted ways in 2006.

Faking News has got exclusive copy of the letter written by Anil Ambani and is reproducing below for the benefit of our readers:

“Dear Bhaiyya (hope Raj Thackeray doesn’t mistake you for a Bihari),

I hope your finances are in fine spirits and feeling well, although I know you might be feeling the pinch of the downturn, especially after these guys didn’t allow you to lay-off people from the Retail business. I too wanted to lay-off people from Reliance Capital but I my hands were so tied. That’s why I freed my hands and held it out to shake with yours. I could definitely feel that you too were going through the same phase.

To make things worse, even my personal fortune is going down fast as well. Everyone knows about the falling market capitalization of my shares, but my personal bank balance has gone down drastically. This is the last SMS I received from ICICI Bank (yes, I still bank my cash there):

Your Ac XXXXXX006179 is debited INR 15,00,00,000.00 on 15 Nov. Info: BIL*000084303310*AMARSINGH*NSP . Total Avbl. Bal is INR 13,786.69 . Your money is safe with ICICI. Don’t believe any rumor.

I can’t even sell my shares to get some money for spending, as it might push down the share prices even lower. RBI surely needs to do more to infuse liquidity. But we can’t be waiting for the central bank or the government to do something, we must act now or Forbes will lower our ranks.

I suspect that you are going through same kind of liquidity crunch. And beware, the government is going to make it worse by telling you to bring down the prices of oil, agro products, and medicines just before the elections. I would not be spared either. So we must join hands, not just shake them.

Yours lovingly,
Anil Dhirubhai Ambani.”

The last line of the above letter is making people squirm in the industry. Employees of both Reliances are worried that both brothers might fuse the businesses and lay off employees citing economies of scale and scope. Management of both the Reliances is tight lipped about the possibility, which has increased the discomfort among employees.

Such a step could also create political controversies as BJP is reported to be supporting the merger of both Reliances saying the move signifies the ‘bharat milaap’ episode of Ramayana, which proves the existence of Lord Rama. Samajwadi Party is opposing the possible merger and they have warned Congress to disallow any such step as it might create problems in fund raising for next general elections.

Various business leaders too are feeling edgy over the possibility of both the brothers joining hands as it might create a monopoly in various sectors. A delegation of industry leaders are planning to meet the finance minister and ministry of company affairs to stop the brothers from taking such a step.

But leading management consulting firm McKinsey and Company has advised Indian business leaders not to oppose the move. They have released a report that claims that such a merger will ward off threats of recession in India. But sources tell Faking News that McKinsey is hoping to finally get its consulting fee post merger of both Reliances and hence has come up with such a report.

Read the complete Report and Comment

Mona LisaMumbai. Sex siren and item girl Sherlyn Chopra has claimed that she is incarnation of the woman in Mona Lisa, the famous painting by Leonardo da Vinci. She also claimed that due to facial similarities with the Mona Lisa woman she was nicknamed Mona by her friends and hence she is also known as Mona Chopra.

“I have not been given my due recognition and importance in my own country. It’s high time Indians stood and took notice of me. I can bring fame to India; they just need to see my pictures.” Sherlyn told Faking News. She has produced a picture of herself, reproduced here at Faking News, to back her claims.

Sherlyn has also demanded that the Government of India should take up this issue with France and immediately transfer the ownership of the famous painting to her. She told that she intends to meet foreign minister Pranab Mukherjee to push for the demand.

She further argued that had Indian painters like M F Hussain painted her portraits, Indian painting would have achieved global recognition by now.

“Instead of following an intelligent and sexy nymph like me, Hussain sahib chose a mad houri. When will our country learn to walk with rest of the world?” Sherlyn expressed her concern.

But Sherlyn’s claim has already run into rough weather as a budding painter has claimed that the picture Sherlyn had produced as proof was not painted by Leonardo da Vinci. The painter, identified as Rakhi, claims the picture to be her original experimental work, and has termed it as Rakhi’s-avant-garde.

Rakhi further claimed that Sherlyn was just hungry for publicity and money and she had plans to sell off the Mona Lisa painting at high price after sweet-talking the Indian government into getting the painting to India. She has warned Sherlyn not to take mileage out of her original work.

Read the complete Report and Comment

Friday, November 21, 2008

Somalia rights group blasts India

Pirates of SomaliaMogadishu, Somalia. A leading human rights group of Somalia, Somali Dal, has denounced Indian Navy’s operation against sea pirates and has termed it as an ‘act of aggression’ and a proof of existence of ‘state sponsored terrorism’ in Indian policy. India had attacked and sunk ships of Somali pirates a couple of days back near Somali coast.

Somali Dal has suggested that the world should study the root cause of piracy and address the ‘real’ issues instead of attacking pirates recklessly. The organization claimed that Somalia has been given an unfair treatment by the rest of the world for centuries, and now the world must concede and put up with Somali self-respect and awareness.

“We have been robbed off our wealth and wellness during colonial era and we are still not treated with dignity. Even a hopelessly poor and hungry country like Ethiopia had balls to attack us and no one came to our rescue. Now when our men attack ships, hypocritical countries like India have reacted in a needlessly aggressive way.” Somali Dal spokesperson Mbkuew Piratwa told Faking News.

When asked why he (Mbkuew is a male name) thought India as a hypocritical country, Mbkuew argued that while Indians always preach non-violence and practice artistic policies in name of social justice to reverse ethnic discrimination, they showed complete disrespect for the same when it came to dealing with Somali pirates.

“They provide reservations in jobs and colleges for people who were ill treated and who were denied respect. Their intelligentsia suggests studying and removing the root cause of terrorism and oppose armed conflict with domestic terrorists of all hues. Even in case of foreign terrorists like those in Kashmir, same set of standards are applied, in fact they are invited for dialogue and speak in seminars. Why were our people attacked then?” Mbkuew wondered.

Mr. Mbkuew also argued that Africans, especially Somalis, have the first claim on the resources of the world, and the pirates were acting out of this prudent belief, which he claimed was originally espoused by Indian Prime Minister Manmohan Singh. He demanded that Indian Prime Minister should apologize for this act of aggression and suspend Indian Navy officers responsible for such a barbarian act akin to terrorism.

Somali Dal also suspects that India is acting under a well thought conspiracy to defame Somali people.

“George W Bush had accurately revealed that food prices around the world were going up due to Indians eating more and more food. Now by attacking us, India wants the world to believe that food prices are going up because ships carrying food are attacked by us, which causes the transportation cost to go up.” Mbkuew explained.

Somali Dal representatives plan to meet various world leaders in coming days to expose what they call India’s evil designs and double standards.

Read the complete Report and Comment

Wednesday, November 19, 2008

BJP looks out for the elusive onion

Indian OnionNew Delhi. BJP has kicked off its General Elections 2009 campaign with an onion hunting drive called ‘Dear Onion’. Party workers have put up posters like the one you can see alongside this report in various parts of the country, which is causing a lot of curiosity among the general public. The poster claims that persons hunting down highly priced onions stand a chance to win a ticket to general elections.

“We believe that the Congress government is artificially controlling the prices of onion to keep it low. Inflation has hit the roof and recession has hit Indian industries, how come prices of onion are not going up? Why do prices of onions rise only when Congress is in opposition? There is an ugly conspiracy to suppress facts from citizens of India.” BJP leader Arun Jaitley explained the rationale behind the poster campaign.

Mr. Jaitley further explained that Indian voters’ opinion about inflation is highly elastic and sensitive with respect to onions and energy. Inflation figures as suggested by WPI (Wholesale Price Index) or CPI (Consumer Price Index) doesn’t matter much to him till he can get onions, LPG, and petrol at affordable prices.

“There is a conspiracy behind not lowering the petrol prices even though international prices have come down. Congress will lower the prices once election dates are announced. Onions and Energy are the tools with which Congress wins elections.” Arun Jaitley onioned opined.

Congress had termed the allegation of BJP as juvenile and has accused the party of trying to manipulate the prices of onion to win the elections. Congress believes that the poster campaign is a clear call to baniyaas (traders), who have traditionally supported BJP, to push up the prices of onions in country.

“The poster clearly calls for pushing the prices of onions so that there is panic among citizens. BJP has always won elections by engineering panic and fear among Indians; we are not surprised at this campaign.” Congress leader and Finance Minister P Chidambaram told Faking News.

Mr. Chidambaram further argued that there was nothing wrong even if it was true that Congress government had been artificially controlling the prices of onion.

“We have asked banks to lower interest rates, we have asked hotels to lower room rents, we have asked IIMs to lower cut-off marks for admission, we have asked companies to lower salaries and number of employees, and so on. We have interfered and lowered the standards (sic) at so many places, what’s so shocking if we are trying to lower the prices of onions as well?” Finance Minister wondered.

Finance Minister claimed that inflation was under control and economy was doing better than what BJP had achieved during its ‘India Shining’ period, and that’s why prices of onions were not rising. But BJP differed from this point of view and has termed the whole situation as a conspiracy against Hindus people of India.

Read the complete Report and Comment

Tuesday, November 18, 2008

Hilarious TV News Mistakes - 3

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Hilarious TV News Mistakes - 2

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Hilarious TV News Mistakes - 1

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Netaji falls in borewell

The Great FallJhunjhunu, Rajasthan. While campaigning for Assembly Elections, a politician fell in a borewell here and has got stuck in the well since then. Rescue team and police have reached the spot and attempts are on to pull out the politician identified as Teznayan Gujjar, an independent candidate secretly backed by Congress. Thirteen hours and thirty nine minutes had passed since Mr. Gujjar fell in the borewell and he was still stuck there when reports last came in.

Rescue officer Mr. Bachao Shekhawat informed us that Mr. Gujjar was still alive as people could hear his speeches coming out of the borewell. It was not clear what Mr. Gujjar was trying to convey through his speeches from inside the well due to echo effect, but it is believed that he was crying for help and accusing someone for keeping the borewell open.

According to eye-witnesses, Netaji had seen a little kid playing near borewell and had run towards the kid and fell in the borewell that was uncovered. While supporters of Netaji claim that Mr. Gujjar had run to save the kid as he feared him falling in the borewell, his political opponents say that Gujjar was on his way to perform his usual gimmick of lifting a kid in his arms to be popular among the locals. Police had no opinion or knowledge on how Mr. Gujjar fell in the borewell.

Mr. Gujjar had gone to campaign in the area where government has been digging a borewell for the last five years, apparently to provide water to the locals as the area is drought prone. According to government sources, the borewell would have been completed today had Netaji (Mr. Gujjar) not fallen inside. They fear that now the water level could go down after this incident. Faking News asked for the basis for such fears but they refused to divulge further.

Meanwhile a parallel borewell was being dug to reach out to Mr. Gujjar and pull him out. It was rather surprising to us that the same machines and people could dig a parallel borewell so fast while they took almost five years to dig the original one. Faking News also fears that the whole attempt could go waste as the radius of the parallel borewell was smaller than radius of Netaji’s potbelly and he could again get stuck while pulling out.

Amidst all this, politics has got heated in Rajasthan over the incident. Chief Minister Vasundhara Raje Scindia was reported to have told that Congress was behind the incident and that Mr. Gujjar was paid huge sum of money to fall in the well. She suspected foul play as she refused to believe that a grown up person could fall in a borewell when a little kid was playing safely in the same area.

“Mr. Gujjar was on a mission to carry out a fidaayeen (suicide) attack against the government. Congress wanted to malign the name of the government for keeping the borewells open and at the same time they conspired to block the borewell by putting Mr. Gujjar inside it. They knew the development work by BJP was about to complete and they have conspired to deny water to the locals.” Ms. Raje warned that borewell politics won’t succeed in Rajasthan. She denied that keeping the borewell open was any issue as people in Rajasthan have never faced threats from borewells unlike other areas of the country.

Congress has vehemently denied these allegations and has accused BJP of doing nothing for locals who are truly represented by Mr. Gujjar. Congress workers and supporters of Mr. Gujjar are in turn accusing BJP of digging borewells to trap genuine leaders like Netaji. They claimed that the land, where borewell was being dug, belonged to BJP member Chuli Meena, who has been absconding since Netaji fell inside. Mr. Gujjar’s supporters have threatened to launch ‘rail todo’ agitation if he is not pulled out within next nine hours.

Away from politics, Faking News asks its readers to send ‘get well soon’ messages to 6969 and pray with us for Netaji’s survival.

Read the complete Report and Comment

Sunday, November 16, 2008

Colors of terrorism

With Indian media reporting and probing the question of terrorism for long, Faking News team too decided to voice its opinion on the current terrorist scenario of India. Faking News Intelligence Group (FNIG) decided to study and analyze the various terrorist groups and activities, and has come up with a report – colors of terrorism.

FNIG has compiled the above report with the following assumptions, which we think most of the Indian media also makes when reporting and analyzing topics related with terrorism:

1. Government agencies tell the truth
2. Government acts in good faith to protect its own citizens
3. Terrorists are guilty until proven innocent
4. Media has right to pronounce judgments as courts take too long a time
5. Communal riots are not an act of terrorism

Our report concludes that there are just two colors of terrorism – Green and Saffron i.e. Islamic terrorism and Hindu terrorism respectively. And even though our intellectuals have been claiming that all kinds of terrorism are same and must be denounced, FNIG has found out that there are many differences between Islamic and Hindu terrorism, and any strategy to counter them must take into account these differences.

For the benefit of the security agencies and intellectuals, FNIG is making the findings of the report public in shape of the following table, which documents all the major differences between the two colors of terrorism:

Colors of Terrorism

Read the complete Report and Comment

Friday, November 14, 2008

Cake cutting by Raj Thackeray raises vital questions

Killer CakePatna. Many parts of Bihar and UP were bemused to see a cake that apparently belonged to MNS chief Raj Thackeray. Most of the news channels showed Raj Thackeray cutting a cake that had Bhaiyya (a respectful word used by a doting MNS worker to address brethren from north Indian states like UP and Bihar) written on it. Though some channels claimed that Raj used a sword to cut the cake, Faking News believes that the tool used to cut the cake was not grand enough to be called a sword. Whatever the tool was, this incident is proving to be the tool of latest round of controversy.

Most of the people believed that this video was strong enough a proof to prove that MNS chief had nothing but hatred for people belonging to UP and Bihar, because Raj didn’t give any piece of cake to any person from UP and Bihar. In fact, Raj is reported to believe that no cake made in Maharashtra should be allowed to be eaten by non-marathi people. MNS has supported the “Marathi cake for marathi maanoos only” slogan of Raj but has refused to accept that it was a result of any hatred against people from UP and Bihar.

But some leaders from UP and Bihar thought that the video was a proof that Raj wanted to kill all people from UP and Bihar by cutting them into pieces in the same fashion as he cut the cake. MNS has again denied the charges and has argued that the people from UP and Bihar can’t be compared with a cake as cake is an English word and language was the only important factor in any identity. MNS has further claimed that by writing a Hindi word on the cake, Raj had actually shown respect to people from UP and Bihar.

Indian media discounted all these arguments by MNS, and aired the video playing it over and over again as “breaking news”. In recent times, this is the second instance when a video related to Raj Thackeray had made news, last time it was the video of Raj Thackeray’s dogs.

FNIG (Faking News Intelligence Group) analyzed the trend and has concluded that the next video that could trouble Raj Thackeray would be of his Brush. The analysis by FNIG follows alphabetical and numerological pattern of the words Dog and Cake. After ‘D’ and ‘C’, it was clear that the next word would start from ‘B’, and after a 3-lettered and 4-lettered word, it was again clear that the next word would be 5-lettered. FNIG analyzed all the 5-lettered words starting from ‘B’ and concluded that the next video would be of Raj Thackeray’s Brush.

FNIG also raised a very valid question that was missed by Indian media and politicians – was it an eggless cake that Raj Thackeray used?

FNIG believes that Raj’s real intention was not to scare people from UP and Bihar by cutting a cake in a threatening style, but to demoralize them by putting eggs on their faces. Faking News calls for a high level inquiry to ascertain egg-ness of Raj Thackeray’s cake.

Read the complete Report and Comment

Angry Indian ChildNew Delhi. Children woke up to a rude shock today when they found that there was nothing on offer for them on a day called “Children’s day”. Indian adults had hijacked the agenda by choosing this day to launch three versions of their favorite pastimes – politics, cricket and movies – polling for assembly elections in Chhatisgarh, first one-day cricket match between India and England, and release of blockbuster movies like Desh Drohi.

Pan India Children’s Society (PICS) has expressed deep anguish over this disregard and disrespect shown to children of India. Members of PICS feel that children are getting this unfair treatment because they don’t have voting rights and purchasing power.

“They don’t allow us to vote, they don’t allow us to earn (by outlawing child labor), and now they are denying us even a day in the whole calendar year. Children have a sizeable population in India but there is a conspiracy to keep us out of the mainstream. We have to unite to defeat these adult forces.” PICS chairboy Sameer-II told Faking News.

But some of the children think otherwise. Although they agree that adults have done nothing special on this day for them and have instead used it to enjoy their three pastimes, they also believe that increasingly these three pastimes are becoming childish.

“I guess we children can enjoy politics as it is increasingly becoming juvenile. In fact, we feel that soon children would be allowed to vote and contest elections as we are matured enough for the job. As far as movies are concerned, more animated ones are to be released so movies are no longer for adults only. And with retirement of seniors, I guess cricket is getting away from clutches of adults, so even there we can find space for us.” an optimistic child told us.

Nonetheless, PICS has threatened to launch a pan-India agitation against this exploitation and persecution of children. They have warned that if children are not given their due, they would be forced to take law into their own hands.

Read the complete Report and Comment

Thursday, November 13, 2008

Congress-BJP lock horns for Narco test series

Narco TestNew Delhi. Inspired by the rivalry between India and Australia in the cricket test series that concluded in Nagpur, two main political parties of India, Congress and BJP, have decided to contest in their own test series – The Narco Test Series. The first round of this series will consist of five test matches to be played by the end of this year. In each match, teams will score runs by issuing statements or soundbites. The winner will be decided based on how well those statements pass Narco tests, administered by citizens of India.

While BJP team will be captained by the hard hitting right handed bitesman L K Advani, the captain of Congress team has still not been officially declared. The current captain, deft handed defensive bitesman Manmohan Singh, remains the front runner, but the final decision rests with coach Sonia Gandhi, who will take a final decision after meeting a team of selectors.

The rivalry before the test series has already come to the fore with BJP mocking Congress for being unable to declare their Captain for the series.

“They are a meek good-for-nothing team. They have hired a foreign coach but that won’t change their fortunes. We would win the Narco test series.” BJP coach Atal Bihari Vajpayee told Faking News.

Congress has reacted sharply to the statement and has denounced BJP for calling their coach a foreigner. Party’s media agent Rajiv Shukla told Faking News that BJP coach has got no power within his own party and has been made a coach for ornamental sake only. Mr. Shukla also told that BJP should rather worry about Narco tests as many of their Under-39 team members and associated team members have already been found to be struggling with them.

For BJP, notable team member include vice captain and medium tracer Rajnath Singh, ticket keeper bitesman Venkaiah Naidu, pinch hitter Vinay Katiyar, southpaw Yediyurappa, tear-away fast howler Narendra Modi, and spinners Ravishakar Prasad and Arun Jaitely, who would put spins on the statements and soundbites issued by the party.

For Congress, those who could represent the team include all-rounder Rahul Gandhi, left handed veteran bitesman Pranab Mukherjee, ham handed slow bitesman Shivraj Patil, right handed stock roller P Chidambram, and spinner Digvijay Singh. It is also being rumored that Congress may hire a chinaman trained by retired bitesman Somnath Chatterjee.

The Narco test series will be officiated by the general public, who are supposed to administer the Narco tests on the statements issued by the team members of both the parties and allot runs to them if the statements appear to be true and trustworthy to them. At least that’s what the rulebook says. The scorer of maximum runs will win the Narco Test Series in 2009.

Read the complete Report and Comment

Wednesday, November 12, 2008

Saif-Kareena marriage plans creates controversy

Mumbai. The marriage plans between Bollywood actors Saif Ali Khan and Kareena Kapoor has caused a major controversy in the country. Tarun Bharat Sangh (TBS) has opposed the marriage claiming that such moves will cause the majority community of India to feel insecure and might push them towards extremist behavior. TBS has called for reservations in marriages following the growing trends of such kinds of marriages in recent years.

Before proceeding forward, Faking News wants to make it clear that Tarun Bharat Sangh is not a part of the famous Sangh Parivar led by the Hindu Nationalist group RSS. By saying ‘majority community’ they don’t mean Hindus, and they also don’t mean marriages between a Muslim boy and Hindu girl when they say growing trends of such kinds of marriages.

TBS is an organization claiming to represent the youth (under 30 years of age) of this country, which they claim constitutes the majority of India. They have objected to the trend of men belonging to older generations marrying nubile girls from the younger generations. TBS claims that by doing so, men from older generations are taking away the resources meant for the younger generation.

“Sex ratio is getting worse each day. If men from older generations take away girls from our generation, what will our men do? This is loot. Like they have ensured elsewhere in public life, government must make sure that even in case of marriages, any powerful group should not take away the resources originally meant for a disadvantaged group.” TBS president Kunwara Pratap told Faking News.

It should be noted that at time of filing this news story, Kareena Kapoor was reported to be 28 years old and Saif Ali Khan as 38 years old. TBS says that such a gap between ages of a couple should be made illegal and girls must be reserved for boys of their same generation. TBS is planning to meet HRD minister and Congress leader Mr. Arjun Singh to push their agenda and turn it into a national law.

Read the complete Report and Comment

Sunday, November 9, 2008

Scientists find out the reason politicians make promises

Sriharikota. With Chandrayaan-1 entering moon’s orbit, new information has started pouring in. And on the first day itself Scientists at ISRO have claimed to discover a secret that was under wraps for over 60 years now. The images and data sent by Chandrayaan-1 shows a group of asteroids orbiting very near to earth around this time of year. Scientists believe that these asteroids and other celestial bodies are the reason politicians are making strong promises and influential speeches in India.

Scientists have found out that these asteroids and celestial bodies induce specific psychological and biological changes among the politicians and stimulate them to make promises and speeches, just as a full moon transforms some people into werewolves and stimulate them to kill humans. Scientists claimed that the politicians around the country are undergoing such transformation right now.

Chandrayaan-1Scientist further informed that these asteroids are moving in an elliptical orbit around the earth and are currently in the perigee stage. The orbital period of these asteroids has been calculated to be five years i.e. each of these celestial bodies comes near to earth once in five years. As of now scientists are not able to say how many of such asteroids or cluster of heavenly groups could be traveling in the orbit.

“We are not sure of the total number of such asteroids or other celestial bodies which could be revolving around the orbit, but they seem to approach the earth in clusters once in five years.” Prof. Chandru Votemurthy told Faking News.

Prof. Votemurthy explained to our correspondent how ISRO scientists mapped the promises and speeches of many of Indian politicians with the interpolated path of these asteroids. After running a multivariate analysis on the above data points, it was pretty evident that the politicians were making stronger promises and more influential speeches when these bodies were in perigee stage. The only other known species known to be influenced by the movement of celestial bodies are werewolves.

“There is clear similarity between a werewolf and an Indian politician. I don’t know whether it’s a good news or bad news; that is to be decided by you and your readers.” Mr. Votemurthy told us in a pensive mood.

Read the complete Report and Comment

Saturday, November 8, 2008

George Bush’s dog bites reporter

Washington, D.C. Outgoing US President George W Bush's dog Barney has bit Reuter’s reporter Jon Decker's right index finger. Decker will have to spend a small part of his life on anti-biotics post this canine attack. Decker had gone to White House to interview Barney, a dog of Scottish terrier breed.

Faking News has learnt that Decker was on an assignment to get Barney’s opinion on him being replaced as the first dog of the country. It should be noted that a couple of days back, incoming US President Barack Obama had declared that he will get a new dog for White House.

A news channel in India was reported to be preparing to run a campaign where Indians would nominate dogs of their choice, which they deemed fit to be Obama’s pet. Reuter India editorial head could sense the demand for news and had asked his US counterpart to get an exclusive interview of George W Bush’s dog on the whole issue.

Apparently Obama, or anyone from his family, had not talked to Barney after he declared his intentions to get a new dog to White House. This had riled Barney no end. When the Reuters reporter went on to get his sound-bite, Barney gave him a dog-bite to convey his annoyance with Obama’s lack of courtesy.

Faking News thanks reporter April Ryan of American Urban Radio Networks, who captured the moment on video, for sharing the same with us:

Read the complete Report and Comment

Mumbai police reviews Desh Drohi

Kamaal ka BondMumbai. Having proved their credentials in shooting, Mumbai police today broadened their horizons by donning the mantle of a film critic by reviewing the upcoming movie Desh Drohi, which is expected to be a runaway success. The special screening for policemen was organized by the actor-producer Kamaal Rashid Khan, who won accolades from the policemen for his stupendous acting in the movie.

While the censor board of India had given Desh Drohi a U/A (universal/adult) certificate after Kamaal Rashid Khan fought hard to resist any cuts, Mumbai police gave the film a U/B certificate. Initially Faking News thought that U/B stood for universal/baby, but Mumbai police commissioner clarified that U/B stood for UP/Bihar. The commissioner refused to elaborate what such kind of rating signifies.

Apart from acting by Kamaal, policemen also liked the stunts and special effects used in the movie. Most of the policemen believed that Bond film ‘Quantum of Solace’ was released in India a week prior to its release in the US because the Bond film producers feared stiff competition from Desh Drohi.

“They knew that once Desh Drohi hits the theatre, crowds will desert the silly Bond film and enjoy the superior action thriller of Kamaal. This should be our entry to Oscars”, Mumbai cops told Faking News.

Lady in RedCops also appreciated the romantic scenes of the movie and told they loved the actresses’ performances as well. Some of the cops were seen dancing when songs of the movie appeared during the special screening. On conditions of anonymity, some policemen conceded that they had wished that the actresses too had joined them for this special screening.

But some cops were not so happy with the way policemen have been portrayed in the movie.

“They have used different shades of green to show our uniform. We show more shades of gray in our appearance, don’t we? They should have been more meticulous in their research.” one cop observed.

Overall the movie was well received by the Mumbai police and they are expected to recommend to the state government and MNS that the movie be allowed to be released in the city.

If things go as expected, Desh Drohi will be released all over Indians next week. The movie has been released under the banner of O.K. International in association with P.J. Productions.

Read the complete Report and Comment

Wednesday, November 5, 2008

Himesh Reshammiya to host Indian Idiot

Indian IdiotMumbai. Inspired by success of Indian Idol, Bollywood actor, singer, composer, producer and style guru Himesh Reshammiya has decided to launch his own rival show Indian Idiot. The step is being seen as an attempt by Himesh to catch up with fellow actor, singer, composer, producer and style guru Anu Malik. The show will start early next year on private television network Zzzz TV.

Indian Idiot will be a reality show showcasing singing, acting, cursing and crying talents among Indian youth. Auditions for the show would be held in various cities of India in coming weeks to choose contestants who can act perform on screen.

Meanwhile the show has already run into controversy as some potential contestants suspect that the show would be biased in favour of people with higher nasal ability or with political leanings. Some allege that a few of the contestants have even got nose-job done to win the show.

Producers of the show have denied such allegations and have clarified that the winner would be the most deserving Indian Idiot and every Indian would be proud of him/her.

Read the complete Report and Comment

Clashes in India over Obama victory

New Delhi. Violent clashes erupted between various groups celebrating victory of Democrat candidate Barack Obama in the US presidential elections. Most of these groups were claiming Obama as ‘one of them’ while the other groups disputed their claims. Undercover sources say that around 44 people have been injured, 13 of the seriously, in the clashes in different parts of the country.

Groups of Hindus and Muslims clashed with each other in Malegaon, Maharashtra in the morning as soon as the news of Obama having won the elections was confirmed. While Muslims claimed Obama as one of them for having ‘Hussein’ as the middle name, Hindus claimed Obama to be a devout worshiper of Hanumaan as he always keeps a small idol of monkey god with him. The situation had become quite tense as both the groups were hurling jokes at each other but was brought under control when police opened fire at the crowd injuring many.

Clashes were also reported from Tamilnadu as groups of Tamils and Hindi speaking people got into an argument in Chennai. Tamils claimed that name of the new US president was Obamma which clearly proved that he was a Tamil like people having names like Jayamma, Muniamma or Nagaratnamma. North Indians disputed the claim saying Obama’s first name was Barack which was like any other Hindi/Urdu name such as Mubarak, Mehak, or Sadak. Tamilnadu Chief Minister M Karunanidhi has criticized north Indians for making an issue out of it and he challenged them to first prove that Lord Rama ever existed.

Although Shiv Sena criticized Karunanidhi for his remarks on Lord Rama, the party warned that any victory procession by North Indians over the US election results will not be tolerated. So while clashes with north Indians didn’t take place in Mumbai, the city still witnessed some violence as Shiv Sainiks attacked a procession by Goan Christians who were celebrating victory of Obama as they thought Obama was a devout Christian and would bring peace to the world.

Clashes were also reported from Chitrakoot in Uttar Pradesh where Brahmins and Dhobis attacked each other. Dhobis, one of the so-called backward castes among Hindus, claimed Obama as one of their own as he had a donkey for an election symbol, while Brahmins claimed that Obama was undoubtedly a Brahmin as he was a learned man and was in power now. Situation got very tense when Brahmins taunted that if Dhobis were right then the dog that Obama had promised for his daughters would be the most useless character in White House as it would be a "dhobi ka kutta".

Clashes also took between Marketing and Sales department of Emami Group as sales people claimed that it is going to be very difficult to sell “Fair and Handsome” cream now, as Indian men may no longer aspire to have a white skin after Obama becoming the US president. Marketing team accused sales team of throwing excuses for not working and claimed that Shahrukh Khan remained a stronger motivator than Barack Obama in India.

While these different senses of belongings and beliefs kept Indians clashing with each other as soon as the results of US elections were announced, people in US expressed solidarity with each other and hoped that US will emerge as a stronger and wealthier nation in coming years.

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Who will win the Big Boss season 3?

Big Boss 3Mumbai. The popular reality show Big Boss season 3, being telecast on private channel Electorals, has reached an interesting stage with two women members left in the final round – Congress leader and Delhi Chief Minister Sheila Dixit and BJP leader and Rajasthan Chief Minister Vasundhara Raje. Producers of the show are expecting that people will vote with renewed enthusiasm and interest and crown one of them as the final winner of the show.

The enthusiasm is surely high as supporters of Sheila and Vasundhara were reported to have clashed outside the main studios of Electorals, as a show of support for their favorite housemates turned violent. Fortunately the studios of Electorals were not harmed unlike a few weeks back when supporters of Raj Thackeray had attacked them for not having included their leader in the house of Big Boss. Raj had insisted that he will speak only in Marathi while the show was supposed to be in Hindi, the reason why Raj’s name was dropped from the final list of housemates.

But contrary to what happened outside the studios of Electorals, an opinion poll conducted by Faking News reveals that general masses seemed more interested in evicting both of them rather than saving either of them through votes. Many of the respondents in our opinion poll demanded that there should also be ‘eviction votes’ in Big Boss other than the general votes to save a housemate.

Earlier evicted housemate Lalu Yadav has demanded that Big Boss reality show should be wound up as people were being made fool by conniving housemates. Lalu Yadav was evicted at a time when everyone thought he had popular support of masses. Interestingly Lalu too had tried to connive and collaborate with a couple of housemates but all of them got evicted, some of whom were actually nominated for eviction by Lalu himself.

Meanwhile winner of the last season Kumari Behen Mayawati has wished best of luck to both the housemates, but has cautioned Sheila Dixit that people like last year’s evicted losers Amar Singh and Mulayam Singh Yadav are trying to manipulate the results by sending fake SMSs. Behenji suspected that most of these fake SMSs were sent by Reliance CDMA mobile phones. She has asked producers of the show to look into the matter so that this year’s winner is as worthy as herself for the prize.

The winner of this season of Big Boss is expected to earn much higher prize money and media coverage as new and bigger reality shows are lined up for telecast with national channels. The same housemates could play a major role in these shows. Interestingly, all these housemates had refused to take part in “Are you smarter than a Dumbass” show. Our reader Eve Gilchrist from Australia suspects that these housemates chickened out of the show fearing defeat, a sentiment shared by many other readers as well.

Regardless of the popular sentiments for the housemates, Faking News, though not an official partner of Big Boss season 3 show, appeals to its reader to vote and decide the winner.

Read the complete Report and Comment

Tuesday, November 4, 2008

Abhinav Bindra to offer consultancy services

Ask BindraChandigarh. While most of the cricketers open restaurants or cricket academies, Olympic gold medalist and World shooting champion Abhinav Bindra has surprised everyone by starting his own consultancy company. Abhinav has named his company ‘Golden Eye Private Limited’.

“Golden Eye will operate in shooting sector only. I could see a lot of opportunities in this sector as shooting is more popular in India as a serious business rather than a game.” Abhinav told Faking News in an exclusive chit chat.

Abhinav is slated to meet Home Minister Shivraj Patil tomorrow as he feels that central government and various state governments could be the main clients of Golden Eye. India’s ace shooter claimed that various state police commissioners have already responded positively to his offer.

“After Jamia Nagar shootout in Delhi, BEST bus shootout in Mumbai and the shootout at Bhiwani in Haryana yesterday, it’s beyond doubt that the police in our country needs to take shooting a bit more seriously and professionally. I have sent consulting pitches to these state police forces and initial responses have been quite heartening.” Abhinav informed.

Abhinav denied any possibility of Golden Eye offering consultancy services to the underworld as he claimed that he wanted to run a legal and honest business. He further argued that underworld in India have already been poaching at the better shooters in Indian police force and hence he sees more opportunity with the government sector rather that the underworld.

Apart from the police departments, Abhinav has also received encouraging responses from some political leaders from Bihar who have asked Abhinav to train their men. When Faking News tried to caution Abhinav that such leaders could wrongly use his services, he expressed confidence that nothing untoward will happen.

“Our company is just going to train their men on how to shoot in air. Anyways they have expressed desire to learn to shoot in air while dancing in marriage parties. So I guess it’s pretty safe and okay for Golden Eye to provide consultancy to them.” Abhinav clarified.

Abhinav also clarified that he would run this consultancy company alongside his professional career, and hence this news should not be taken as a hint towards his retirement from the sports arena.

Read the complete Report and Comment

Monday, November 3, 2008

Church might not be driving conversions

Church of IndiaNew Delhi. Amid the much rhetorical allegations and counter allegations on the issue of religious conversions, a new investigation by Faking News has revealed the real reasons behind the mass Christian conversions. According to the VHP, Bajrang Dal, RSS, BJP and others of the saffron brigade, the Christian Missionaries were behind the large number of conversions of Hindu populations in Orissa and Karnataka. While this had led to communal tensions and many attacks on Churches, Faking News has learnt that such attacks were totally unnecessary as the missionaries are not aiding the conversions.

In a serious investigation, it was discovered that the conversions were actually taking place because of the inherent desire of every Indian to gossip. Through a sociological and psychological survey of the population in the states of Orissa and Karnataka, it was noted that a large majority of the converted locals professed a strong urge to listen to gossip. Therefore, in a bid to fulfil their desires they felt that converting into a Christian priest would serve their purpose.

As women are known to gossip openly, the men found it difficult to resist the charm of gossiping. Hence they decided to turn into Fathers or priests of the Christian Missionary Churches. Holding this prestigious position enabled them to listen to every kind of gossip when people came to them for their 'confessions'. This not only gave them the sanctity of the holy law to listen to other's innermost thoughts, but also a full right to talk back to the people about their actions. This has not only fulfilled their desire but given them a new goal in life to reach the highest levels of gossiping priesthood.

This investigation has proved that the Christian Missionaries are innocent victims of an age old Indian tradition of gossiping. Therefore, their victimization should be stopped with immediate effect as the conversions are for fulfilment of local desires and not anti-Hindutva.

It was also found that all these gossip mongers were regular readers of Faking News.

(This investigative piece of journalistic article has been submitted by our reader Cat’s Paw form New Delhi)

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Friendly DonkeymanNWFP, Pakistan. Villages and valleys falling around Pakistan-Afghanistan border are panic stricken for the last couple of days as locals complain of attacks by a strange creature they are calling ‘Donkeyman’. The Donkeyman, as reported by locals, has a face of donkey but body of a man, and has been attacking them with latest US made weapons for the last two days.

“My son was hit by a bullet in leg when he had gone to jungle to bring woods for fire. Donkeyman appeared from behind the tree and fired on him and fled.” Osama Majid, resident of Bajaur tribal region informed. Similar stories of attacks by Donkeyman are doing the rounds in adjoining areas as well.

Local residents further inform that Donkeyman suddenly turned hostile only a couple of days back. Initially he appeared as a peaceful creature to them as he tried to talk to them in their own language and introduced himself as Obamanjur Ahmed. Although Obamanjur, or the Donkeyman, maintained that he was originally from US, he never even used harsh words against them, let alone firing with bullets at them. Obamanjur had even brought wine and clothes for the locals as gift from US.

Hostile Donkeyman“We really don’t know what happened to Obamanjur suddenly, for the last couple of days he has changed his friendly attire into one of those US soldiers and has been trying to attack us. He has been accusing us of supporting Osama. We are completely confused.” Parvez Ali, another resident told.

Pakistan president Asif Ali Zardari had called up his Indian counterpart Pratibha Devisingh Patil for help as the Indian president is known for her profound knowledge on spirits and the occult. Ms. Patil has assured him of help after studying the footprints of Donekeyman in detail. In the meantime she has directed Indian Home Minister Shivraj Patil to brief Mr. Zardari about lessons India had learnt from Monkeyman.

Meanwhile a professor of psychology in Stanford University, Mr. Knight Siamelon, has rubbished the whole idea of Donkeyman existing and has called it a result of misunderstanding of US politics and policies by Pakistani masses. Mr. Siamelon says that the whole seemingly strange situation can easily be understood if one sees through the signs and symbols.

“Donkey is the electoral symbol of the Democrats, and the democrat presidential candidate Barack Obama had issued a statement a couple of days back that catching Osama would be his priority if he wins. Doesn’t that explain everything?” Siamelon sounded quite convincing to Faking News.

Read the complete Report and Comment

Sunday, November 2, 2008

Gilchrist’s book banned in India

New Delhi. Indian government has decided to ban former Australian cricketer Adam Gilchrist’s autobiography “True Colors – My Life”. Gilchrist, in his book, had called Sachin Tendulkar a sore loser and had accused cricketers Sourav Ganguly and Harbhajan Singh of chickening out of a test match fearing a defeat on grassy wicket. Indian government’s decision comes after there was widespread criticism of Gilchrist’s remarks, some of which were called babyish.

Gilly's Day OutIndian government decision is also targeted to pinch Gilchrist where it hurts most. As India is the largest market for cricket related activities, the ban on his book might adversely impact its sales. The book had got a lot of free publicity and marketing with Gilly, as Gilchrist is fondly called by his supporters, featuring on many newspapers, magazines, and television reports recently, and was expected to sell like hotcakes.

While BCCI has welcomed Indian government’s decision, Cricket Australia (CA) has termed it as an ‘arm-twisting tactic’ of India. CA has accused that India has been flexing its financial and cricketing muscles way too often these days, and it was not good for international cricket.

But Faking News has learnt that it’s not just public sentiments of cricket lovers in India that has pushed Indian government to take this decision. Some original regional political maneuvering was behind the decision.

Our sources say that intelligence reports had cautioned central government that Raj Thackeray and Mamta Banerjee could launch independent public movements against Gilchrist in support of Sachin Tendulkar and Sourav Ganguly respectively, to salvage Marathi and Bengali pride respectively. Interestingly, Harbhajan Singh was not expected get support from any group as per the classified intelligence reports.

Intelligence reports informed that the leaders were planning to push for various demands such as narco-test of Gilchrist or recovering all the IPL money that was paid to him. Fearing that such populist campaigns could benefit their adversaries electorally, government preempted the move and decided to ban the book. When Faking News tried to contact government officials, they refused to comment on this aspect.

Meanwhile unconfirmed sources say that Adam Gilchrist could be invited to a deliver a guest lecture on Marketing and Promotions at a leading business school of India.

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Saturday, November 1, 2008

Parliament announces 23% job cuts for its members

New Delhi. Acting on Faking News Intelligence Group (FNIG) report, Parliament of India today announced 23% job cuts in both the houses. The move comes just a day after parliament reacted negatively to the Supreme Court’s suggestion to have referees during parliamentary sessions. But it seems that the parliament has misinterpreted the FNIG report.

FNIG report had observed that in a scenario when most of the companies were either cutting down on number of employees or lowering down the salaries paid to them, parliament should be no exception. Our report had suggested that Indian parliament should show solidarity with the sufferings of common man and announce job cuts and lower salaries for parliamentarians as well.

We had proposed 23% job cuts in both the houses of parliament. Although, in the report, this figure was seemingly arrived after making use of higher econometrics, we would be candid to our readers in admitting that the calculations were made up to back a number we had already decided upon.

Our logic of recommending 23% job cuts was simple – it brings down the number of Lok Sabha MPs from current 545 to 420.

But the parliament has misread, either deliberately or innocently, what was proposed by us. The Parliamentary Committee, which announced the job cuts today, had interpreted ‘job cuts’ as cutting down on jobs an honorable member of parliament performs.

Hence the committee has announced that now the parliamentarians will attend 23% lesser sessions, ask 23% lesser questions, and spend 23% lesser amount on development of their constituency. The committee refused to answer questions of journalists when they asked whether the members would also create 23% lesser noise and disturbance after this announcement.

Faking News takes no responsibility of the outcomes of such a decision as our recommendations have clearly been misunderstood. Our team will soon move to Supreme Court to get a stay order on parliament’s decision and we hope that next time they would abide by the court order.

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