Railways denies putting up photos of Lalu Yadav in toilets

New Delhi. The issue of putting up photos of ex-railway minister Mr. Lalu Yadav in train toilets is turning into a political potboiler. The incident was first brought to light by a Faking News reader traveling from Kolkata to New Delhi in Rajdhani Express, who clicked the photographs from his mobile phone. The photographs showed stickers in train toilets urging passengers to not be a ‘lalu’ and keep the toilets clean.

Such disdainful disrespect shown to a national leader has given rise to allegations and counter allegations by leaders. Parliament proceedings were disrupted several times by RJD members today who demanded an apology from the current railway minister Mamta Banerjee. The members accused Mamtadi of indulging in ‘loo level’ politics and threatened to uproot railway tracks and toilet seats if the minister didn’t apologize.

But Mamtadi has termed such allegations as ‘rubbish’ and denied that the stickers were officially put up by the Railways. She suspected CPM workers to be behind the act, an allegation vehemently denied by the communist party.

“Mamta Banerjee is fully capable of stooping so low. There is nothing new in it. In the past, she had supported Maoists and blamed it on CPM. This is just another act carried out by her for which she is blaming us out of her habit.” CPM leader Prakash Karat alleged.

The whole controversy was later given an interesting twist by Bihar Chief Minister Nitish Kumar, who claimed that the stickers were pasted by Lalu Yadav supporters themselves. Nitish Kumar advised CPM and Mamta Banerjee not to fight over the issue.

“Laluji is desperate to be in news. RJD workers have been wondering why the media and society was not discussing them even after they suffered such a heavy electoral defeat. The media spent most of their time discussing the downfall of BJP but no words were mentioned for RJD. This had upset Laluji and his supporters, who have done this to be back in news.” Nitish Kumar postulated.

Expectedly RJD has criticized the Bihar CM for making such comments. The party has now decided to postpone their railway track and toilet seat uprooting campaign and have decided to start a public urinating drive in Bihar to oppose Nitish Kumar’s statement.

“Our workers will piss at all public places in Bihar and won’t use flush afterwards to register protest. We will start our protest by mass urinating at CM’s residence tomorrow at 3 PM. All of you are welcome to witness the event.” an RJD leader informed.

Man diagnosed with Swine Flu refuses to be quarantined

New Delhi. Sweety Singh, a man diagnosed with Swine Flu has refused to be quarantined, claiming that if he was kept in the same room with other patients, he could be ‘corrupted’ and might contact a severe case of the disease. Sweety was diagnosed with a possible case of Swine Flu on July 31st when a Nashik based businessman allegedly injected H1N1 virus into him by force.

“My son is being framed. He is healthy and fit. Anyone can say that just by looking at him. Why should he be treated like an untouchable and kept separate from the society? Because we are dalits?” Sweety’s father Juta Singh told media persons as his son filed an application in the hospital to be exempted from being quarantined.

Juta Singh is the head of a commission set up by the government to check spread of Swine Flu in the country. His son Sweety was earlier accused of taking bribe from a Nashik based businessman for spreading the disease. The businessman dealt in selling medicines for the treatment of Swine Flu and spread of the disease would have helped his business. Sweety allegedly took the bribe but didn’t work efficiently, which angered the businessman who forcibly injected the H1N1 virus into him.

Sweety Singh is now suffering from Swine Flu and doctors of the hospital believe that he has all the symptoms of the disease and if he was allowed to roam freely, he could influence others and spread the flu into other parts of the country. Following refusal by the doctors, Sweety and Juta Singh have now decided to move to court.

“These guys are jealous of us and there is a political conspiracy being hatched. Hardened criminals are allowed to roam and mingle in the society, then why should I be quarantined just because I have flu?” Sweety wondered and expressed confidence that he’d get relief from the court.

Reports last coming in confirmed that Sweety was indeed allowed by the court to be exempted from being quarantined.

Some Orissa MLA could be an Ichchhadhaari Naag

Bhubaneswar. Various people have expressed concerns and fears over the possibility of a certain Orissa MLA being an Ichchhadhaari Naag (self transforming snake). Such concerns were raised after a snake was spotted by a few people inside the state assembly on Thursday morning. A massive search operation followed to catch the snake but the assembly staff could not even spot the elusive snake again. This gave rise to speculations that the snake was actually some MLA who had the will power of transforming shapes.

“How can a snake simply vanish in the assembly? We all know that after attack on the parliament, all places visited by politicians were made absolutely safe and secure. It simply can’t happen that the security could be breached by a lowly snake. It must have been the work of an insider and the only logical conclusion is that some member of the house is actually a snake!” an assembly staff told on conditions of anonymity.

The possibility of a self transforming snake sharing the benches with them has left the Orissa MLAs worried and upset. The members have asked the Speaker to call an emergency meeting with mandatory attendance of all members, where a snake-charmer would inspect all the MLAs for being a snake. The snake-charmer would blow his been (a flute like instrument with a bulging belly) causing the self transforming snake MLA to involuntarily start dancing to his tunes, thus getting spotted.

But some members have objected to the idea of MLAs being given the certificate of being a human by a snake-charmer. These members believe that such a step violated the privileges enjoyed by the distinguished representatives of the citizens of India.

“It’s an exercise in futility. Even if some MLA is a snake, how does it matter? No MLA or MP can be disqualified or arrested for being a snake! First of all let there be a law in this country barring poisonous beings from entering state assemblies or the parliament. In absence of such a law, even if any MLA is identified as snake, what purpose will it serve?” Nagnath, an independent MLA opined.

But not many people are yet ready to believe the self transforming snake theory. These people refuse to believe that an MLA could have such a strong will power to self transform his or her bodily shapes. Instead they believe that the snake was actually an “aasteen ka saanp” and must have sneaked into the sleeves of some MLA.

Mayawati launches MAREGA to counter Congress’ NREGA

Lucknow. Kumari Mayawati, Chief Minister of Uttar Pradesh, has taken strong objection to the State Congress chief Rita Bahuguna Joshi’s comments over the amount of compensation given out to rape victims in the state. Ms. Joshi had declared that the compensation amount was not consistent with provisions of NREGA (National Rape Ex-gratia Gauging Act). NREGA aims to value dignity of rural women in case of rape and Ms. Joshi was one of the central policymakers who drafted the act.

Ms. Joshi, an obvious expert on NREGA, also valued the dignity of Mayawati at 1 crore Rupees using the intrinsic formula suggested in the Act. Angered by Joshi’s comments and under valuation of her dignity, Mayawati has now announced MAREGA (Mayawati Approved Rita’s Educational Grooming Act) to counter use of NREGA by Congress leaders for petty political gains. MAREGA is targeted against Congress leaders in general and Rita Bahuguna Joshi in particular.

Immediately after the announcement of MAREGA, Rita Bahuguna Joshi was arrested under the provisions of the act and sent to jail. Her house was also burnt down and valuables looted. Government officials expressed confidence that these acts would help Ms. Joshi realize her mistake. And it indeed seemed to work as later both Ms. Joshi and Congress President Sonia Gandhi expressed regret over Ms. Joshi’s comments.

“MAREGA will continue in force until every Congress worker is civilized. Respected Madam Soniaji has gone mad and it was her who directed Rita to utter those comments. Respected Madam Soniaji too needs some educational grooming. I have heard that her Yuvraaj (Rahul Gandhi) is coming to Uttar Pradesh to protest MAREGA provisions. Let him read the act carefully before taking any step.” Mayawati cautioned.

Meanwhile Congress workers have decided to oppose MAREGA by applying the provisions of the act against Mayawati herself and BSP workers. The leaders have threatened to launch an agitation unless the Chief Minister voluntarily accepts Sonia Gandhi’s and Rita Bahuguna Joshi’s apologies.

Bacardi to sponsor Liberhan Commission report

New Delhi. The central government might finally make the findings of the Liberhan Commission report public. The commission was constituted to investigate reasons, roles and events that led to the demolition of Babri Masjid on 6 December 1992, and had submitted its report to the Prime Minister last month. There had been demands to make the findings of the report public since then and our sources confirm that the report could indeed be made public in a few days.

Our sources further inform that the government is currently busy finalizing sponsorship deals with various groups for the public release of the report, and it seems that the deal would be bagged by the Bermuda based spirits company Bacardi. Both these events – sponsorship of the report and public release of the findings – would be soon announced in a press conference.

This would mean that there would be big logos and pictures of Bacardi brands in the backdrop at the launch event. The front page of the report would mention “Bacardi presents” and each page will have watermark of Bacardi logo. Since journalists don’t like reading full reports and prefer trusting summaries written by the government, a small booklet named “Bacardi Blasts” would be released containing highlights of the findings. Furthermore, the report will refer to the persons implicated by the commission for the Babri demolition as “Bacardi Boys”.

This sponsorship deal has been reportedly valued at 16 crore rupees by the government and our sources inform that Bacardi might fall in with without much negotiation. If the deal goes through, Liberhan Commission would be the first and the only commission in the history of independent India to have earned profits for the government.

It should be noted that Liberhan Commission, a one man commission, was expected to submit its report in February 1993 itself, within three months of its constitution. But it took around 17 years to complete the report and cost the government a whopping 8 crore rupees. But with this deal, the commission would actually help the government make 8 crore rupees over the expenses.

“Our target is to bring down the fiscal deficit this budgetary year and such steps are going to help us realize this goal. There are many commissions who have not yet submitted their reports and we would strive for similar deals with all of them. UPA government will change the definition of such commissions.” an officer at the PMO told on conditions of anonymity.

Bacardi’s sponsorship of Liberhan Commission report is expected to heat up the competition in the Indian beverages and liquor market. Market analysts believe that this is the first time a group would strongly challenge Dr. Vijay Mallya’s innovative marketing strategies and give the UB group a run for their money.

“Mallya had always used Sex and Cricket for marketing as Indians are very interested in both, and he was right too. But Religion and Politics are two other things that Indians love even more than Cricket and sometimes even Sex. While Dr. Mallya had unsuccessfully tried politics and kept away from religion, Bacardi has struck a masterstroke with this deal.” Marketing guru Suhail Seth told.

Management of Bacardi is also upbeat about the prospects and feels that this sponsorship deal will strongly entrench the company into the Indian mindset, making them the market leaders. Management believes that since the Babri issue is not expected to be resolved in any foreseeable future, the company can reap the benefits of this sponsorship for an indefinite time period. They denied the possibility that Bacardi could antagonize either Hindus or Muslims by such sponsorships.

“We have always believed in walking the middle path. You might know that we had good relationship with both Fidel Castro as well as the CIA. So there is no reason why we can’t take the middle path here. This is just a shift from Rum and Revolution to Rum and Religion in our approach, which we think will surely work in India. And hasn’t one of your poets written that Temples and Mosques created differences among people while Liquor united them?” Bacardi chairman Facundo L. Bacardi quoted Harivansh Rai Bachchan’s lines from Madhushala.

Hunt on for sculptor who merged Mayawati and Elephant statues

Lucknow. The entire Uttar Pradesh administration got the shock of their life when they found out that one of the statues of the Chief Minister Kumari Behen Mayawati, which was to be unveiled by Mayawati herself, had head of an elephant. The shocking discovery was made when the officials were inspecting all the to-be-unveiled-and-installed statutes for possible hidden explosives. A massive hunt for the sculptor, who mysteriously created this half-mayawati-half-elephant statue, has been ordered by the state administration.

It is not clear if the original statue was designed to be that of Mayawati or an elephant, as the fugitive sculptor had merged the head and the torso seamlessly. But in either case, the statue was intended to be a part of the grand project by the Chief Minister to construct parks, museums, and memorials dedicated to dalits, which would help them advance socially and psychologically. Installing statues of herself and of elephants, the symbol of her political party, has been the pinnacle of the project.

Numerous theories were doing the round about the possible motive of the sculptor behind creating such a statue. The local District Magistrate believes that the sculptor was too drained and disoriented after carving out innumerous statues of Mayawati and elephants in recent times, and thus mixed up both the statues inadvertently. But not many in the state administration are ready to buy his theory and he might be suspended for this grave dereliction of duty.

Chief Minister Mayawati has accused Samajwadi Party and Congress workers to be behind the act, and has warned them of dire consequences. She threatened to defile statues of Mahatma Gandhi if another such half-mayawati-half-elephant statue was found in any part of the state.

But her own party leader and the popular Brahmin face of the party Mr. Satish Chandra Mishra has sought to downplay the development. In fact, Mr. Mishra claimed that the controversial statue was actually a genuine tribute to the divinity of Behen Mayawati.

“I believe the sculptor acted in good faith. He tried to create a female version of Lord Ganesha and out of his devotion, he chose Behenji as the medium of expression. Lord Ganesha is the god of intellect and wisdom. He removes obstacles, facilitates auspicious beginnings, and is a patron of arts and sciences. All these qualities are present in Behenji, so it was perfectly fitting for the sculptor to have done this.” Mr. Mishra put a spin on the whole episode.

It’s not sure if Mr. Mishra’s spin would be able to save the sculptor who has gone underground after the statue was first discovered by the security officials. But while the state police was still trying to hunt down the sculptor, Faking News special correspondent could catch hold of him. The sculptor was very tense and terrified, and requested our correspondent not to disclose his whereabouts. When we promised to keep his details secret, the sculptor confided to us his frustrations.

“I was mighty pissed off after making thousands of statues of Mayawati and elephants. My life was getting screwed. My wife left me because I compared her nature with Mayawati’s and beauty with an elephant. I don’t even know if I meant the other way round, my wife never believed me. To top it all, I heard that the state government had spent something like 2000 crores on these statues with a single statue costing around 70 lakhs. What the fuck man! I was not even paid 700 rupees for one statue!! What do you expect me to do?” the sculptor told agitatedly.

Rahul adopts a dalit child on Father’s Day, Mayawati furious

Mulayampur, Uttar Pradesh. Last Friday, Congress party workers had distributed food in dalit localities on the eve of birthday of their general secretary Rahul Gandhi. Today, on the eve of Father’s Day, Rahul Gandhi reportedly declared that he’d adopt a dalit girl child and raise her as a father. Rahul has adopted the same eight year old girl, with whom he had ridden a buffalo around eight months back. The girl’s name is Maya Kumari.

“Rahul baba came back to the village to thank people who voted for Congress candidate. He was sad to learn that villagers’ conditions had not improved even a bit since he came last. Little Maya’s father had passed away in her childhood and her mother had tough time raising her. Out of grueling poverty worsened by poor governance, her mother even tried to sell her to a rich man in Ambedkarnagar. When Rahul baba heard this story, he was deeply moved and decided to adopt her.” local Youth Congress leader Sapna Merchant informed.

According to Sapna, Little Maya will now fly to New Delhi with Congress general secretary and live with Rahul Gandhi in his official residence. She will also get to study in the best schools and colleges in India and abroad. Rahul has promised to her that her dream of becoming a nuclear scientist will get realized one day and he’d be a proud father then.

Whole of Mulayampur village is reportedly happy over the development, but some reports also suggested that a few villagers were unhappy with this preferential treatment given to one child. It should be noted (refer to the Faking News report) that Rahul Gandhi had gone on a buffalo ride with two kids, the other being equally unfortunate to be living in poverty.

“Why was the other kid, the boy Naram Yadav, left to fend for his own? Rahul made use of him when he wanted to ride a buffalo and now he didn’t even care to visit his house. Why this special treatment to Maya? Will the Yuvraaj of Congress help only when the parents try to sell their kids? All of us who are taking good care of our children deserve no rewards?” Amar Singh, an angry villager asked.

Not only villagers like Amar Singh, Rahul’s apparently benevolent act has riled even the Chief Minister of Uttar Pradesh Kumari Behen Mayawati. Behenji accused Rahul of being a ‘dramabaaz’ and ‘natakbaaz’ like Mahatma Gandhi, who had no genuine intentions to help dalits. Mayawati has claimed that the whole act was a conspiracy to defraud dalits of their rights and identity.

“We all know what happened to Kalawati. Now the Yuvraaj has made promises to Maya. This dramabaz Gandhi has deliberately chosen my namesake to insult me and hence the whole dalit society. He wants to finish dalits. Now that dalit girl will no longer remain dalit because caste of a person is same as his or her father’s caste. In essence, Rahul Gandhi has only reduced the population and weakened the strength of dalits. I appeal to my party members to see through this conspiracy and not let this drama go on for long.” Mayawati thundered.

Mayawati also announced a "chheen lo” (snatch them) movement on this occasion asking all dalit families to take back their sons and daughters who might have been adopted or being raised by Congress workers in recent years. She claimed that Congressmen were inherently incapable of giving anything for free to the society and their adoption drama was all hogwash.

“There is no free image of Rahul Gandhi even on Wikipedia – the free encyclopedia for the common masses. Why didn’t the Congress walas give a free image to the organization? It’s simple, because Congressmen don’t want that a common person should benefit and become more educated. They just believe in doing drama and deceiving dalits.” Mayawati claimed.

No one from Wikipedia was interested in commenting.

Report on Maoist violence in Bengal submitted in lorem ipsum text

Kolkata. In an important development that could give rise to a major political and lingual controversy, the West Bengal government today submitted a report written in lorem ipsum text to the central Home Ministry. The report was supposed to contain a detailed account and update on the law and order situation in the state after reports of bloody confrontations between Maoists and local villagers came out in the public. Officials in the central home ministry are surprised and shocked to get the report.

“How are we supposed to make sense out of it and take the required action to control the violence? There can be only two interpretations of this act – either the state government didn’t bother to write the report at all and has just sent us a document template with the dummy words written on it, or the local government is not interested in having a meaningful dialogue with the center on such a serious issue – both of these possibilities are dangerous for the unity of the country.” Union Home Minister P Chidambaram fumed.

But the West Bengal government officials have denied these charges. The state government in fact has blamed the center of behaving in a narrow-minded way and not cooperating to control the violence.

“Congress has lost all courtesies and willingness to work in a diverse environment after having won so many seats in the general elections. The victory has gone into their head and now they want everyone to speak their language only. Lorem ipsum has a meaning and one needs to apply some brains to understand it. These great words symbolize power to the people and Congress must learn to accept and respect people’s movements.” West Bengal Chief Minister Buddhadeb Bhattacharya defended the report and accused the center of not doing enough.

Explaining his stance, Mr. Bhattacharya argued that the lorem ipsum text enables the proletariat, which is normally not very fluent in linguistic skills due to lack of education, to create impressive documents and presentations without having to fill it with floral or scholarly language. Therefore the text works as a great leveller disallowing the unfair advantage available to the bourgeois due to private education.

The Chief Minister further informed that henceforth every government official in the state would use the lorem ipsum text to communicate. Meanwhile latest reports coming from Lalgarh region of West Bengal suggested that fresh violence had erupted there between Maoists and villagers. The state government is soon expected to issue a statement, most probably in the lorem ipsum text, on the law and order situation, asking the central government to take the necessary steps.

BJP leader wants Salman Khan to lead the party

Ranchi. The problems for BJP after their defeat in the general elections are refusing to go away. After various leaders and strategists questioned the sluggish response of the party and called for a more focused vision and strategy, voices are now being raised to change the party leadership. A senior leader from Jharkhand is believed to have recommended the name of Bollywood actor Salman Khan as the party president and prime ministerial candidate for the next general elections.

“We have learnt all bad things from congress like lack of intra-party democracy, sycophancy and tolerance for corruption in public life, and that has caused us to get defeated in the elections. It’s time we learn the good things from them like making a minority member prime ministerial candidate. Sikhs are to Congress what Muslims are to BJP.” the leader is believed to have argued.

The choice of Salman Khan was backed by factors like acceptance among youth, acceptance among the RSS cadre, and previous relationship with the BJP. Salman Khan is believed to have scored well on all these factors.

“Salman is still young as compared to our present leaders. He holds Ganpati Puja at his home despite being a Muslim and RSS members like it very much. And he has campaigned for BJP in the past. I don’t think we can get a better candidate to lead BJP out of the present electoral crisis.” the BJP leader told Faking News in an exclusive chat.

The rebel leader also argued that by making Salman Khan the president of BJP, the party would also get the much needed mask, as was suggest in a Faking News report a few days back. The leader further argued that just like Congress performed better even in the Sikh majority state of Punjab, BJP will do better in the Muslim majority state of Jammu and Kashmir after Salman is made the party chief.

“If Salman Khan ends up marrying Katrina Kaif, who is half Kashmiri, I don’t see any reason why BJP can’t win elections in Kashmir.” the leader quipped.

BJP needs a mask to revive itself

New Delhi. While BJP (Bhartiya Janta Party) is still to start any introspection camp (chintan/manthan shivir) to ponder over the causes of the recent electoral defeat in the General Elections 2009, Faking News Intelligence Group (FNIG) has completed its impeccable analysis for the shock defeat of the party and is ready with the results.

Being a part of the great Indian media, we have decided to make the results public and advice BJP to take some vital steps as suggested by us, failing which they risk facing political death soon. We suggest because we know the best. Period.

But BJP also knows a thing or two. FNIG agrees with the party that it is missing its charismatic leader Mr. Atal Bihari Vajpayee. Vajpayee was famously referred as mukhauta i.e. mask of the BJP by the then strategist of the party Mr. Govindacharya. FNIG couldn’t agree more with that reference in the present times. This is what ails BJP – the party needs a mask.

But the party analyzed the situation wrongly. They distributed paper and plastic masks of Narendra Modi and L K Advani among their supporters for electoral campaign and advertising. Party doesn’t need those kinds of masks. They (the masks) seem so cheap – even a school boy can produce such masks. Seriously.

In fact a school boy named Varun from Pilibhit in Uttar Pradesh did show to the FNIG team how to create such ordinary masks. You just need to download pictures from the internet and click the print button and then puncture some holes here and there to create such masks. It was so simple. They don’t impress people.

The party needs impressive masks. Like the ones superheroes wear – Batman, Spiderman, or even our own desi Krrish. Masks that send a message and convey a character. Without a mask, just like these superheroes, the party will remain ordinary in the eyes of the people and the media.

Although a few people in the FNIG team wanted to analyze the defeat further and rationalize our missing-mask-theory for the areas where BJP won, FNIG thought it a worthless and time consuming act. When these people insisted, we laid them off accusing them of being agents of Sangh Parivar. We strongly recommend that BJP should keep away from such people and start looking for a mask.

Women Reservation Bill gets support through Rudaali

New Delhi. A group of women have threatened to perform relentless rudaali (professional mourning and wailing) in front of the parliament house if the house doesn’t pass the long pending Women Reservation Bill. The bill aims to reserve one third of parliamentary seats for women and has met opposition mainly from various non-women members of the house since it was introduced for the first time.

The threat to perform relentless rudaali has come as a reaction to the threat of committing suicide by a national non-woman leader called Sharad Yadav. Mr. Yadav had threatened to swallow poison pills inside the parliament if the bill was passed. Women groups threatening rudaali have criticized Mr. Yadav for adopting such means.

“The men opposing the women’s reservation bill are not only denying the basic rights to the women, but they are even taking away our basic means to protest. Threat of committing suicide, threat of not taking food, threat of not talking – all these are means of women for protesting. Now these men are not only systematically seizing these means, but even denying us the compensation in shape of reservation.” Rudal Yadav, one of the rudaali mourning volunteers expressed anguish.

The group has given an ultimatum of 100 days to the central government and the parliament to pass the bill, failing which a relentless rudaali would be started in front of the parliament. Slowly such rudaalis would be performed in different parts of the country as well to protest the killing of the bill by the parliament. The group has called on women volunteers in different parts of the country to organize in the coming 100 days.

EC may use D/L method for counting votes

New Delhi. Indian voters can hope to get the final figures for the fifteenth Lok Sabha within forty minutes after the counting begins on Saturday. Calling it 'The 20-20 Vote Count', Election Commission of India (ECI) has issued a new formula, which is reported to be similar to the Duckworth-Lewis method used in the cricket matches, to calculate the number of votes in case counting is not complete within forty minutes or is interrupted due to factors like bad weather or bomb blasts.

“We were criticized for holding a month long election, so we thought to hurry up the counting as no one seemed to be in a mood to wait till the final numbers came out. A lot of voters were complaining that they were sick of all projections and exit poll numbers being discussed on television channels and wanted the final numbers to be released as soon as possible. We decided to act fast.” Chief Election Commissioner Naveen Chawla informed Faking News.

There were mixed reactions to the development. While some people thought that ECI should have stuck to polynomial functions due to the political nature of the mathematics involving multi-cornered fights in many constituencies, others thought that the formula used was a step in the right direction.

“I was waiting for the moment when the government formation moved beyond simple arithmetical calculations by the political class. Now we have calculus, trigonometry and statistics playing a part in politics. It’s so cool. Politics is now truly a number game.” Amresh Kumar, an investment banker expressed happiness over the move and congratulated ECI.

Interestingly, all news channels were unanimous in criticizing ECI for coming up with a formula that was ostensibly very difficult to understand. Faking News has learnt that all news channels had grand plans to discuss a lot of number possibilities throughout the day and take as much commercial breaks as possible while counting progressed, but the latest decision by the ECI has ruined their plans. Latest reports suggest that a few channels have invited numerologists to analyze the formula.

543 tricksters are on prowl in India: intelligence report

New Delhi. While the Indian media widely reported about the intelligence report suggesting possible presence of seven pilots and several women in India to carry out terror attacks on Indian citizens during the elections, they ignored the intelligence report confirming presence of several tricksters in India to swindle Indian citizens through the elections. The terror alert was issued by the state intelligence groups while the trick alert was issued by the Faking News Intelligence Group (FNIG).

FNIG report warns Indian citizens of various tricksters on prowl, who are looking to fleece them by beguiling them. The report estimates that currently thousands of such tricksters are moving on the sly, and warns that at least 543 of them could end up successfully tricking the Indian citizens by May end if the citizens didn’t become alert.

The report further informs that modus operandi of such tricksters are only subtly different from the common cheats and frauds found in various villages and cities across the country, especially those who drug and loot poor passengers in trains.

“Just like those common cheats, these tricksters get friendly with their targets and even voice concern on the ongoing loot by condemning other cheats, thus appealing to the conscious of the common man. Finally they dupe the unsuspecting and the unconscious man. While the common cheats vanish after the act, these special tricksters don’t do the vanishing act and instead come back again and again to rip off the unsuspecting citizens.” the report informed.

FNIG report equates such acts of cheating by these special set of tricksters as being no less lethal than terrorism. The report further claims that just as terror attacks are a result of intelligence failure of the government agencies, getting cheated by such tricksters are a result of intelligence failure of a common Indian man.

“A common man demands the government agents to be penalized or replaced if an intelligence failure takes place, but he has failed to penalize or replace his own agents of intelligence even though failures have been happening regularly. He must change his agents of intelligence if he doesn’t want to get duped again.” FNIG report recommends.

Unfortunately the FNIG report did not create such a strong ripple as the terror warning by government intelligence agencies could. Some experts believe that currently a common man is more concerned about him “being” than his “well being” and that’s why he was more interested in the terror warning. But other experts have argued that the lack of interest in the trick warning was due to the fact that the common man has yet not realized the value and worth of the assets being looted by these tricksters.

Marathon kid Budhia has started running again

Bhubaneswar. Budhia Singh, who made a world record three years back by running continuously for 65 kilometers at a tender age of just four years, has started running all over again. Budhia had tried to run continuously over 70 kilometers, from Lord Jagannath's Temple in Puri to CRPF Group centre in Bhubaneswar, before doctors and the government stopped him from running further. It’s not yet clear why Budhia has started running again and this has given rise to many speculations.

A lot of people think that Budhia has got inspired by the success of the movie Slumdog Millionaire and the subsequent treatment given to the slum dwelling actor children of the movie, so much so that Congress, the largest national party of India, ended up asking those kids to campaign for the party in the elections. Budhia has spent his childhood in slums and experts believe that he was unhappy with him being ignored by political parties and media while talking about real life stars from slums and while chanting “Jai Ho”.

“I think he has every right to feel aggrieved. Even though he made a world record, he didn’t get the same treatment as the Slumdog stars are getting. He was not even made a brand ambassador by any health drink. Now he must have sensed an opportunity with the election fever catching up in the country and wants to reclaim his status of being the original child star from the slum.” Dharmendra Yadav, an expert on Indian elections told Faking News.

Budhia is not at all talking to media and has been running since Thursday morning continuously. When our correspondent tried to get his reaction on the above speculation, he just muttered, “no comments”, giving further weight and credence to the speculations that he was running for elections.

Faking News has learnt that with the news being reported by media, various political parties are now trying to reach Budhia’s family to get political endorsements from him. Congress wants to add another feather to its cap by capturing yet another slum kid to its fold, while BJP wants to have at least one partner in Orissa after BJD dumped it to join left parties.

Our sources also tell us that while Congress would like Budhia to run with his palms up (a display of empty hands) so that the election symbol of Congress is communicated, BJP would want Budhia to keep on running around Lord Jagannath's Temple for days and days to communicate respect to the Hindu faith. Both parties want to reach out to the youth of India this way, our sources inform.

Crow Party of India launched, to fight elections

New Delhi. Taking a cue from the huge success of Rhinoceros Party of Canada, Pagal Patrakar, the Managing Editor of Faking News, has launched Crow Party of India, the latest political party of India.

Although the party name could be abbreviated to CPI, Pagal Patrakar has decided not to use this abbreviation as this could lead to confusion between Crow Party of India and Communist Party of India, causing supporters to vote for the wrong CPI in coming elections. Crow Party of India would be simply referred to as “Crow Party”.

Crow Party workers will be referred as cro(w)nies or cronies. Each crony will solemnly declare his or her steadfast support and submission to the motto of Crow Party that “crows everywhere are equally black”.

“We strongly believe in equality of everyone and crows were the best symbol to represent it. You can tell the difference between an Indian dog and a German dog, but I bet you can’t tell the difference between an Indian crow and a German crow. This makes sure that no crow is ever discriminated for his or her origins, and Crow Party believes in this policy.” Pagal Patrakar, the chief crony told.

Crow Party also released its manifesto for the General Elections 2009 and declared Pagal Patrakar as its prime ministerial candidate. ‘Fairness’ will be the key electoral issue of the Crow Party, promising every group in India a fair treatment. Some of the highlights of the election manifesto of Crow Party are as follows:

To declare Comic Sans MS as the official font of India.

To install a king size wax statue of a Crow over the Indian Parliament.

To create a new department for upkeep of the crow statue, especially shielding it from pigeon droppings.

To create a Terrorism Ministry where terrorists can directly interact for future attacks and negotiations.

To transfer J&K (Jammu and Kashmir) to USA on a 99 year lease.

To make various new States in rest of India and declare President’s rule in all of them.

To make Sheryl Crow the President of India.

To provide reservations in educational institutions and jobs on the basis of skin color.

To link all mountains of India by dumping all industrial waste in a series of hillock looking heaps.

To color Taj Mahal in crow black, the to-be-declared national color of India.

To provide speedy justice by having Courts on railways.

To have a national award for bribery (Red & Black Bribery Award).

To ban farting in public. Public places will have designated farting zones.

To penalize violators of Newton’s Laws with capital punishment.

To declare Darwin’s Theory of Evolution as being consistent with 20-20 Cricket rules.

To levy heavy taxes on people having slow strike rate in limited over Cricket.

To change the name of Pakistan to Mohenjo-Daro.

To declare keeping a pet crow compulsory for each Indian, those who express inability to do so will have to pay a monthly royalty to the Crow Party.

To write a personal article related to each Indian citizen in Wikipedia.

To allow voting by telepathy for busy professionals, housewives, and youth.

To allow merger and acquisitions in religions. People of one religion would also be able to buy or borrow gods or prophets from the other.

To donate a Swiss Card (Credit Card from Swiss Bank) to all jobless Indians. Their payment will be met from Indian accounts in Swiss Bank.

To declare April Fool’s day as national holiday and abolish all other holidays.

To imprison producer and directors making bad Bollywood movies for 25 years. Government will take over the Box Office.

To list Gandhiji’s spectacles and slippers on Wall Street for active trading after forcibly retrieving it from the current owner.

There are many other promises that have been made in the Crow Party manifesto, which claims that the party will change the shape of India forever and for good, if given a chance to serve the citizens.

“All these issues are very relevant and very vital for each Indian citizen and unfortunately no other political party has a comprehensive solution to any of these issues and problems. They only work to make these problems worse. Crow Party is the only alternative.” Pagal Patrakar made a strong pitch for the coming elections.

Crow Party would be soon soliciting candidature from willing cronies to fight elections from all Lok Sabha seats of the country. Willing people can offer their candidature as a reply to this report on Faking News as well. The party will simultaneously launch an aggressive campaign in major cities of India to promote Crow Party and its policies.

One of the initial campaigns of the Crow Party will be to distribute sensuous movies and literature among voters to titillate them. Pagal Patrakar denied that it was any cheap mean to attract attention.

“All the politicians are causing division in the society. People are dividing themselves along ethnic lines. By distributing sensuous works of art, we are pushing people towards multiplication instead of division.” Pagal justified the move.

UPDATE: Due to growing popularity and support for Crow Party among the common masses, a separate platform for cronies have been created. Please join the Crow Party and help India become a political superpower. Click here to join.

Who will become Prime Minister of India?

New Delhi. Faking News has finally decided to take off the polls to find out worst Hindi and English News channels of India as the data was not showing any different trend for many weeks now and the positions of different news channels seem to have been more or less fixed. The earlier report on the worst news channel of India stands updated and the poll is declared closed now.

But what polls should replace them? Of course politics, after all general elections are coming! With inputs from our special correspondent Chhuchhundarbaba, we have started two new polls –

1. “Who will become the Prime Minister of India?”

L K Advani

Manmohan Singh

Mayawati

Pagal Patrakar

Me, I too have a party

2. “Who do you think has maximum support?”

Casteist parties

Communal parties

Communist parties

Corrupt parties

Crow Party

You can see these polls from now on at the bottom of the homepage of Faking News and voting will continue till May 31st 2009. We want to categorically deny that it is any kind of opinion poll using scientific data, which can influence people’s decision to vote in the actual elections, and hence the Election Commission of India’s ban on opinion polls doesn’t apply to us.

BJP buys rights of “Emotional Atyachar”

New Delhi. After Congress bought the rights of the British-Bollywood movie Slumdog Millionaire song “Jai Ho”, BJP has decided to pay their political opponent in the same coin. The saffron party has bought the rights of all the songs of recent Bollywood hit Dev.D, especially the superhit song “Emotional Atyachar”. BJP would be playing songs of Dev.D during their election campaign to mobilize their supporters and win over youth of the country.

“BJP has always preferred desi (indigenous) over foreign stuff and hence we decided to use songs of a movie which was cent percent Indian. Dev.D was a unanimous choice as its songs were a hit and Indian youth liked the movie. We are going to unleash Emotional Atyachar all over the country (sic.) soon.” BJP spokesperson Prakash Javdekar told Faking News.

Mr. Javdekar denied the rumors that BJP MP and ex-filmstar Dharmendra, who is also the uncle of Dev.D star Abhay Deol, helped the party clinch the deal.

“Dharmendraji has got nothing to do with it. In fact, he wanted us to buy the rights of his favorite film Sholay and campaign everywhere by climbing over water tanks. But our party decided against it, having seen the results of a contemporary use of Sholay by Ram Gopal Varma.” Javdekar clarified.

Experts believe that by using Dev.D songs, BJP is also trying to change its perception of being against pub-going people after some women were attacked in a pub in the BJP ruled state of Karnataka. Gujarat, another BJP stronghold, is already a dry state. With the protagonist of Dev.D being a heavy drinker, BJP is hoping to reach out to pub-going crowd, experts claim.

“After Vijay Mallya bough Gandhiji’s spectacles and slippers in an auction, liquor drinking is no longer seen as an anathema. BJP is trying to shed its anti-liquor image, and thus also getting rid of its anti-Gandhi image in the process. Dev.D is just a tool to achieve these.” claimed Surendra Yadav, a leading pollster often seen on Indian television news channels during elections.

But Congress is least amused by BJP’s move. The party has claimed that BJP is trying to spoil the youth of this country by projecting the Dev.D protagonist, who drinks heavily and consumes opium and drugs, as symbol of today’s youth.

“We want youth of this country to become millionaires while BJP wants them to become drunkards and junkies. But we think the song Emotional Atyachar goes well with BJP. They raise only emotional issues and commit atyachar (atrocities) on minorities wherever the rule.” Congress leader Digvijay Singh quipped, matching Narendra Modi’s sarcastic comment on use of the song Jai Ho by Congress.

As expected, BJP has rubbished all such claims and speculations, and blamed Congress of fooling people of the country by making false claims on success of Slumdog Millionaire and purchase of Gandhiji’s belongings in an auction. The party denied that Dev.D could drive youth to alcoholism.

“Congress is a champion in misrepresenting facts. Dev.D is all about triumph of Indian culture over foreign way of life (sic.) and not about alcoholism. Youth of this country have been shown false dreams of becoming overnight millionaires by Congress and given unemployment in reality. Congress will be rejected by youth of this country.” Prakash Javdekar claimed.

Further riding on the Dev.D bandwagon, BJP has also decided to use a new spelling for the name of its star campaigner Narendra Modi – Mo.D

Bangladeshi immigrants threaten to go back home

Mumbai. Bangladeshi nationals, allegedly staying illegally in various parts of Mumbai, have threatened to go back to their country if safety and economic conditions didn’t improve before the general elections. These immigrants are disappointed by recent terrorist activities and economic slowdown witnessed in India, and are feeling ‘cheated’.

“We came to India thinking Pakistanis can’t attack us here and we will earn more money than in Bangladesh. Now it seems Pakistanis can attack any part in India and even the money is fast vanishing. Everything is so costly now. We might have to go back to our country which seem to be doing better at this moment.” Muziburuddin Sheikh, a Bangladeshi immigrant, told Faking News.

These Bangladeshis have formed a group Bangladeshi Bachao Congregation (BBC) and are planning to meet political leaders to register their complaints and worries. BBC leaders claim that almost after three decades since they came to India, Bangladeshis have grown to a level where they can influence politics and policies of India. BBC is banking upon broad-minded and like-minded groups to back them.

BBC has found support from some leaders of Samajwadi Party and Congress, who termed their stay in India and their demands as ‘legitimate’. These leaders have assured members of BBC of better times ahead and asked them not to worry too much.

“UPA Chairperson Sonia Gandhi has already declared that petrol and diesel prices would come down further, and the country is secure after we declared new anti terror steps. These poor Bangladeshis must not worry. They are in safe hands.” Samajwadi Party leader Abu Hamza Azmi told.

But BJP and Shiv Sena have called the demands ‘outrageous’ and have pledged to defeat the nefarious designs of Bangladeshis. They have castigated Congress and Samajwadi Party for playing vote bank politics and aiding infiltration of anti-nationals into the country.

“This is ridiculous. These pests are the real reason why Pakistanis can easily attack us and why we are getting poorer. We would oppose their demands tooth and nail. They would never get a secure and prospering India so that they can breed happily.” Shiv Sena leader Sanjay Raut told Faking News, though he declined to comment if his party’s strategy was to achieve an insecure and inflationary environment to bamboozle the Bangladeshis.

Meanwhile the new government in Bangladesh, led by Sheikh Hasina, has declared that these Bangladeshis staying in India won’t be taken back as the country already had too many of them. A government official has advised BBC to go to Assam or West Bengal if they didn’t get enough support in Maharashtra, but not to even think about Bangladesh.

Government bans arranged marriages

New Delhi. Under pressure from Sri Krishna Sena (SKS) and Communist parties, the UPA government had decided to come up with a law banning the traditional arranged marriages. All marriages would be solemnized and deemed legal only when the bride and groom will sign a bond declaring that the couple had known each other for a ‘considerable time’ before the marriage, and that they were getting into this relationship after proper thinking and analysis.

“It’s a welcome step. We had always maintained that there was no mention of an arranged marriage in Hindu traditions; either there was swayamwar where the girl chose one among various suitors or the couples used to elope to marry as per their wishes. I hope Indians will go back to their roots.” Arjun Singh, spokesperson of SKS told Faking News.

Interestingly, SKS, believed to be a Sangh Parivaar unit, got support from Communist parties on this issue, but there was a twist. Communist parties rubbished the claim of SKS about Hindu traditions, but supported abolition of arranged marriages as they believed that this was a ‘game of chance’.

“The couples get into such an important relationship just hoping that things would turn good. It’s such a risky chance that each Indian is being encouraged to take. Arranged marriages are a game of chance and akin to gambling, with Hindu priests being the casino owners, and that’s why we favored banning them. The state should control all marriages after making the couples sign a bond.” the communist parties jointly declared in a press release.

But UPA has got in trouble with this announcement as some of the UPA constitute parties have expressed dissent over the decision and have decided to oppose the bill when it comes for discussion in the parliament. Lalu Yadav, one of the important leaders of UPA, was most vocal in his protest.

“Yeh paagalpan hai (this is madness), Congress is getting into the trap of communists and fascist forces. I would decide who would become my bahu or daamaad (daughter-in-law or son-in-law). If such a law is passed, it will give rights to Nitish Kumar and Advaniji to marry off my sons and daughters. I’m not going to let it happen.” Lalu Yadav warned congress of any misadventure.

Common men had mixed reactions to the news. Some of them thought it would be just another failure like outlawing the practice of dowry, which could hardly check the dowry system. But others expressed hope that if government started controlling and scheduling marriages, it might at least solve the traffic problems on some auspicious days as government would allocate the marriage dates prudently.

Narendra Modi set to apologize for Gujarat riots

Ahmedabad. Narendra Modi, who holds the record for the longest serving Chief Minister of Gujarat, will commence campaigning for the parliamentary elections with a bang. Sources close (as on today) to him have revealed in private that he will be formally launching his own political party and tendering an apology to Muslims at the Dehrasar (Jain temple) in Naroda Patia area in Ahmedabad for 2002 riots.

The new party being floated by him will be called Gujarati Janata Party (GJP). Keen to secure much more than absolute majority in the next Assembly elections, Modi wants his candidates to win most parliament seats from the state this year and GJP will work with this sole objective.

To avoid complications with the Election Commission, however, GJP will technically be part of BJP for some time. Most state Congress leaders, led by his bête noire and one-time RSS stalwart Shankarsinh Vaghela, are expected to troop in to GJP. Vaghela is said to be close to former CM of UP, Kalyan Singh. He has already hinted that Muslims do not see Modi as inimical to them and the apology will reinforce their confidence. Like in Kalyan Singh’s case, however, Vaghela’s son will continue in Congress, just in case.

It is well known that BJP leaders in other states dread Modi for his hardline Hindutva image that projected him as the future party supremo. He is wanted as a poster boy only to the extent absolutely necessary to sway voters who see a savior in him. However, he is getting increasingly alienated with the Saffron elements back home.

Demolition of dozens of roadside temples, allegedly to release the land to big builders, has infuriated many long-time colleagues, including two former CMs. The RSS, Bajrang Dal, Durga Vauhini, Shiv Sena etc., led by international Vice President of VHP Pravin Togadia, are up against Modi for working against their interests.

To counter these elements, Modi decided to break away and start his own party. Observers see in Modi’s apology yet another masterstroke by the expert election strategist. Wooing the Muslims can not only distance rebel Saffronites from voters but can also weaken Congress. He is noted for checkmating Congress on many occasions in the past.

Law minister Ashok Bhatt, the septuagenarian who had a leading role in every riot in the state since 1960s, claimed that Muslims no more see him as Maut ka saudager (merchant of death) as projected by Congress. He said Modi never discriminated against them.

“The works taken up by him proved that we had worked for the welfare of all. We have been ruthless with everyone who came in the way of rapid growth of our mega business empires, be they of Adani, Tata or Ambani, who is SP’s blue eyed boy,” he said and added: “We don’t discriminate between majority and minority communities to crush resistance to wealth creation, whoever has it."

Anandiben Patel, Gujarat's Education Minister who is among the very few to not have crossed his path said: "Letters and phone calls are coming in hordes not just from Muslims but also from Hindus who have hailed his decision to tackle VHP-RSS hooligans."

The draft of Modi’s speech launching GJP is almost final. Drafted by Arun Jetley, his only backer at the HQ, it will slightly deviate from the line taken by Kalyan Singh. Modi may solemnly declare: "I take moral responsibility for the riots in 2002 even though I never killed or lynched or raped anyone personally."

The apology is expected to cleanse out what former PM Vajpayee had termed as a ‘blot’ on India. Referring to Vajpayee’s unfriendly remark, Vaghela said: "While the party he (Modi) had devoted his life in strengthening did not even take his advice on national affairs, billionaire tycoons openly endorsed him as Prime Ministerial material."

A veteran journalist, noted for routinely writing Modi-blasting Gujarati-English stories in the national newspaper he worked for, has been enlisted to promote GJP. For the record, he had promoted Vaghela’s RJP that existed in the interim period of his breaking up with BJP and merging with Congress.

(This special report has been brought to you by chhuchhundarbaba)