Friday, July 31, 2009

No obscenity, striptease at Sourav’s followed Ganguly’s heroics

gangulyKolkata. Managers of Sourav’s, the restaurant owned by former Indian cricket team captain Sourav Ganguly, have rejected the claims of a local television channel that the restaurant hosted exotic dancers and was engaged in flesh trade. Sourav’s had come under scanner after a Bengali television channel carried out a sting operation showing blurry visuals of dancers, who were apparently taking off their clothes in a vulgar manner while negotiating with ‘customers’.

“This is absurd and there clearly is a conspiracy behind it. We do have dancers performing at our restaurant during weekends. But they don’t indulge in striptease or pole dancing. They just take off their shirts like dada had done at Lord’s. We want our customers to never forget dada’s heroics and golden moments. How can it be deemed as obscene when the whole world had watched it several times?” restaurant manager wondered.

Ganguly’s supporters also think that the sting operation was carried out to malign their dada. They have demanded a CBI enquiry into the whole episode.

“The TV channel is being funded by foreigners. Either Buchanan or Chappell is behind this. These guys are just plain jealous and terrified with dada’s magic. Put them in jail!” a dada supporter demanded.

Sourav Ganguly couldn’t be contacted for comments. BCCI declined to comment saying that since the incident didn’t happen on any of the BCCI owned restaurants, their hands were clean. When contacted by Faking News, Shahrukh Khan denied that the incident could negatively impact Sourav Ganguly’s chances to play for his IPL team next year but he expressed interest in hiring the restaurant dancers as cheerleaders for the next season of IPL.

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Thursday, July 30, 2009

Government launches mid-day snooze scheme for public offices

sleepingNew Delhi. Encouraged by the reported success of mid-day meal scheme in schools towards improving education among underprivileged students, government has decided to implement mid-day snooze scheme in public offices that is aimed at improving productivity among underperforming public servants. The scheme will officially empower public servants with a right to sleep in their offices for at least one hour each day.

Although the practice of taking a mid-day snooze in offices has been rampant for various years now, the government believes that legalizing the slumber in offices will improve the morale and dignity of its employees, apart from productivity. If the results of the scheme are found favorable, the scheme would be turned into a law enabling every employee, either in public or private sector, to rightfully sleep during office hours.

“We had been facing a lot of complaints about public servants sleeping in offices. Our officials confessed that work made them comatose, which left us only with two options – either to let them not work or to let them sleep. We chose the first solution and instructed our officials to ignore work, but there was huge public hue and cry over it, so now we are left with no other option.” a labor ministry communiqué said.

The ministry also believes that the hitherto sleeping in the public offices filled the government employees with a sense of guilt, for sleeping was not officially sanctioned, but with the mid-day snooze scheme coming into effect, the officials will no longer feel guilty and thus it would do wonders to their morale and self-respect. But not many agree with this logic.

“This is bullshit! These guys have always slept as if it was their birthright to do so. Where was the guilt? I surely couldn’t sense any. In fact we were made to feel guilty because we disturbed their sleep! I don’t think this scheme makes any sense, but yeah, maybe they should enforce this in the private sector as employers there don’t allow us poor employees to sleep even during the night.” Vijay Faryal, a sales executive working with a shampoo company opined.

Faryal was joined by many other citizens who also thought that government decision was ‘misplaced’. Some sociologists too criticized the government for entertaining and yielding to basic instincts of common citizens for encouraging activities like professional work and education.

Mid-day meal scheme itself was flawed. Schools became appealing to the stomach instead of one’s brains. Now we have mid-day snooze scheme for employees. What next? Mid-night sex scheme to improve adult education?” British Kandy, a popular sociologist wondered.

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Wednesday, July 29, 2009

Anil Ambani removes brother Mukesh from facebook friends list

ambanisMumbai. In a shocking development that could push the Sensex down by 213 points and push oil prices up by 2.13 rupees per liter, ADAG Chairman Anil Ambani removed his elder brother and Chief of RIL Mukesh Ambani from his facebook friends list. This act of showing public displeasure with his brother comes close after Anil had accused Mukesh of indulging in ‘dishonorable conduct’ during the annual general meeting of RNRL yesterday.

A press release issued by ADAG for this purpose claimed that Anil was mighty ‘pissed off’ with the facebook activities of Mukesh during the past few weeks. Mukesh had apparently voted down Anil in the ‘nicest person contest’ and ignored his requests to become a fan of ADAG pages. The release also claimed that Mukesh had tagged Anil as an unidentified ‘waiter’ in pictures showing Mukesh and Petroleum Minister Murli Deora having dinner together in a restaurant.

“Honorable Mr. Anil Ambani was very disappointed by such activities and he got shock of his life when Mukesh invited him to play Mafia Wars and Monopoly on facebook. Our group is a law respecting organization and such proposals were clearly a repulsive dig at our ethical standards. Following this, Honorable Mr. Anil Ambani decided to remove Mukesh from his friends list.” the press release elaborated.

Sources at ADAG further informed that removal from friends list was just a warning and if Mukesh did not mend his ways, Anil could as well remove him from orkut list and stop following him on twitter. Sources did not rule out the possibility of Anil removing Murli Deora from his list as well.

The spat between the brothers has worried market watches who feel that the development could seriously impinge India’s assumed recovery from the economic slowdown. Experts are divided over the culpability of either of the brothers on the issue but want the government to intervene and broker peace between them.

Sources in the government refused to comment on the issue because of the subject being sub-judice, but Petroleum Minister did react by writing “best of luck” on the facebook wall of Anil Ambani. Anil had not replied to the comment till reports last came in.

Read the complete Report and Comment

Tuesday, July 28, 2009

Reality show winner wants government to respect privacy

Pursuit of TruthMumbai. Harishchandra Sachbola, the man who shot to fame by becoming the first person to win one crore rupees in the reality show “Sach Ka Saamna”, believes that government must not snoop into the private lives of the citizens of India under the pretext of matters of national concern and security. Sachbola was addressing media persons after having won the reality show.

“It’s absolutely disgusting to see government agencies tapping your phones or reading your mails in the name of national security and legal inquiry. Why are they so interested in my personal life? How does it matter to the nation what kind of relationships I have with my friends and relatives? The state can’t be allowed to do such things and I urge all progressive persons to unite against this state sponsored voyeurism.” Sachbola appealed.

Harishchandra Sachbola, who works as a marketing manager in an MNC in Delhi, claimed that he had always suspected government intentions and had taken part in various online campaigns to protect individual privacy. Sachbola gave out URLs of thirteen of his blogs which he thought media persons would be interested in reporting about. Some of the blogs had sensational stories of Sachbola’s past affairs apart from his views on human, animal and gay rights.

Hierarchy of TruthEarlier Harishchandra Sachbola ‘correctly’ answered all the twenty one questions related to his private, social and professional life to win the reality show. In course of answering the questions, he accepted that his son sucked like a leech and that he covetously wished he had slept with the hot wife of his best friend. He also thought that his dad took premature retirement to free ride on his money.

Sachbola’s family members, who were present during the reality show and cried at regular intervals, expressed happiness over his victory. They thought that Sachbola was an obsessive compulsive truth speaker and seeker, and his sentiments should be respected by everyone. Sachbola himself agreed that he liked speaking the 'truth'.

“I enjoyed answering all questions. I’m an independent man and I don’t care what the society thinks about me. At least I have the guts to speak the truth that other people simply avoid. They didn’t ask else I wanted to tell the truth about Brahmins and Muslims. Man, they suck!” Sachbola expressed the desire to speak more truths.

He also declared that he would use the prize money to help treat people who were pathological liars and didn’t tell their wives about the porn-stars they fantasized while having sex with them. He appealed to the television channel broadcasting the show to help him find a partner hospital that could sponsor his therapeutic campaign for the betterment of the society.

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Saturday, July 25, 2009

MPs express concern over pigeons making love in public

Pigeon KissNew Delhi. Parliament proceedings were disrupted for more than three hours after some members accused the government of not doing enough to control shameless pigeons making love in public places at various places in India. These members suggested that such immoral and irresponsible behavior by the pigeons caused embarrassment to the Indian families and had the potential to defile the minds of young children. Members wanted a law to rein in the offensive birds by regulating their aberrant activities.

“I can’t understand what good these obnoxious birds do to humankind? They eat food grains and poop everywhere, even on our heads. These crooks simply don’t care how their actions can affect us. Can you even imagine how disgusting it is when your three year old kid points to love-making pigeons and asks you what are those birds doing? Is this the way we want our kids to grow and learn?” Kaboot Aryan, a member of parliament argued angrily.

Human KissMr. Aryan further argued that tolerance towards such behavior by pigeons has sent wrong signals abroad about accepted social norms in the Indian culture. He claimed that Hollywood star Richard Gere must had seen pigeons kissing each other openly and would have thought pubic kissing to be acceptable in India, following which he went on to kiss Indian actress Shilpa Shetty in a pigeon style.

“Thank god he just saw the pigeons, or god knows what would have happened!” Mr. Aryan lamented, drawing ‘shame shame’ calls from other members of parliament.

Following the pandemonium, the government assured the members that it will look into the matter seriously and find out ways to discipline the pigeons and educate them about Indian culture. In all probabilities, resident groups of pigeons could be sent show-cause notices by the government, along with a statutory warning.

While the decision of the government has come under sharp criticism from some pro-pigeon groups in media, many people welcomed the decision of the government terming it as a ‘relief’.

“I have been sick of these ubiquitous and iniquitous birds. They had once pooped into my cheese pizza and I couldn’t even distinguish that shit from cheese. My friends made life hell for me after that, I’m still the laughing stock of my college. These birds have no sense or sensibility, they deserve to be punished.” said a college student, though he couldn’t recall having been distracted or disgusted by love making of pigeons.

Most of the people welcoming the government decision had problems with pigeon poops, even though a majority of them thought that pigeon mating was ‘cool’. But they agreed that young Indian children could have adverse impacts on their emotions if they saw pigeons mating in public.

“They make eggs, what else?” said three year old Aryan when Faking News correspondent asked if he knew what pigeons did by climbing over each other.

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Friday, July 24, 2009

Some Orissa MLA could be an Ichchhadhaari Naag

snakemanBhubaneswar. Various people have expressed concerns and fears over the possibility of a certain Orissa MLA being an Ichchhadhaari Naag (self transforming snake). Such concerns were raised after a snake was spotted by a few people inside the state assembly on Thursday morning. A massive search operation followed to catch the snake but the assembly staff could not even spot the elusive snake again. This gave rise to speculations that the snake was actually some MLA who had the will power of transforming shapes.

“How can a snake simply vanish in the assembly? We all know that after attack on the parliament, all places visited by politicians were made absolutely safe and secure. It simply can’t happen that the security could be breached by a lowly snake. It must have been the work of an insider and the only logical conclusion is that some member of the house is actually a snake!” an assembly staff told on conditions of anonymity.

The possibility of a self transforming snake sharing the benches with them has left the Orissa MLAs worried and upset. The members have asked the Speaker to call an emergency meeting with mandatory attendance of all members, where a snake-charmer would inspect all the MLAs for being a snake. The snake-charmer would blow his been (a flute like instrument with a bulging belly) causing the self transforming snake MLA to involuntarily start dancing to his tunes, thus getting spotted.

But some members have objected to the idea of MLAs being given the certificate of being a human by a snake-charmer. These members believe that such a step violated the privileges enjoyed by the distinguished representatives of the citizens of India.

“It’s an exercise in futility. Even if some MLA is a snake, how does it matter? No MLA or MP can be disqualified or arrested for being a snake! First of all let there be a law in this country barring poisonous beings from entering state assemblies or the parliament. In absence of such a law, even if any MLA is identified as snake, what purpose will it serve?” Nagnath, an independent MLA opined.

But not many people are yet ready to believe the self transforming snake theory. These people refuse to believe that an MLA could have such a strong will power to self transform his or her bodily shapes. Instead they believe that the snake was actually an “aasteen ka saanp” and must have sneaked into the sleeves of some MLA.

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Wednesday, July 22, 2009

Rakhi Sawant marries wrong guy due to solar eclipse

Rakhi Ka PatiUdaipur. The shooting for final episode of “Rakhi Ka Swayamvar” took a bizarre turn when Rakhi Sawant put the garland around the wrong guy’s neck, apparently due to poor visibility arising out of solar eclipse. The ‘wrong’ guy has been identified as Jebu Kataria, a popular pickpocket of Udaipur city, who had gone to the shooting spot, allegedly to pick pockets of unsuspecting bystanders. Jebu is now insisting that Rakhi was his legal bride and he’d do everything to ‘reclaim’ her.

The final episode was designed to have three surviving suitors standing next to each other while Rakhi headed enigmatically towards them to garland and choose one of them as her life partner, thus bringing an end to the reality show. Things unfolded just according to the script, until the solar eclipse played the spoilsport. It is still unclear how Jebu suddenly appeared at the scene during the eclipse only to end up being garlanded and becoming ‘the chosen one’ of Rakhi.

“He is a chor (thief)! When he saw darkness due to the eclipse, he tried to pick the pocket of Elesh (one of the suitors who is a businessman from Canada). I couldn’t see his face in darkness and garlanded him by mistake. I’m not going to marry that ugly chor at all! Rakhi Sawant deserves nothing less than a handsome hearty and honest King.” Rakhi fumed and alleged that Jebu had gone to the shooting spot to pick pockets.

But Jebu Kataria begs to differ. He categorically denied that he had any intentions of picking pockets when he sneaked into the shooting space. He says he was ‘divinely guided’ into his deeds.

“As soon as the Sun God got behind the Moon God, I could feel a strange force urging me to go near Rakhi. In that darkness, I could see Rakhi’s face glowing like neon signs. A divine message encrypted in those signs read that I and Rakhi were made for each other. I felt my feet moving by themselves towards Rakhi and I’m sure that it was God who guided Rakhi’s hands to put the garland around my neck. Rakhi is meant to be mine.” Jebu claimed.

Interestingly all the surviving suitors have declined to comment over the development. According to well placed sources, no one of the three is insisting that Rakhi should get another chance to pick her husband amongst them. All of them were busy packing their bags to go back and didn’t talk to media. One of the shooting crew members told Faking News that the suitors had refused to take part in any re-shoot as they believed that the show had reached its logical conclusion.

Legal experts have expressed differing opinions over the legality and validity of the marriage of Rakhi Sawant with Jebu Kataria. While some of the experts believed that Rakhi was not bound to marry Jebu just because he was garlanded, there were other who believed that the marriage was just and legal as per Hindu marriage act and Rakhi will have to accept Jebu as her husband.

Meanwhile residents of Udaipur were pleased at the possibility of Jebu getting married to Rakhi.

“Good riddance!” told one of the residents excitedly, though he denied explaining whether he meant it for Jebu or Rakhi.

Spicy Saturday Picks

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Friday, July 17, 2009

Mayawati launches MAREGA to counter Congress’ NREGA

Mayawati vs RitaLucknow. Kumari Mayawati, Chief Minister of Uttar Pradesh, has taken strong objection to the State Congress chief Rita Bahuguna Joshi’s comments over the amount of compensation given out to rape victims in the state. Ms. Joshi had declared that the compensation amount was not consistent with provisions of NREGA (National Rape Ex-gratia Gauging Act). NREGA aims to value dignity of rural women in case of rape and Ms. Joshi was one of the central policymakers who drafted the act.

Ms. Joshi, an obvious expert on NREGA, also valued the dignity of Mayawati at 1 crore Rupees using the intrinsic formula suggested in the Act. Angered by Joshi’s comments and under valuation of her dignity, Mayawati has now announced MAREGA (Mayawati Approved Rita’s Educational Grooming Act) to counter use of NREGA by Congress leaders for petty political gains. MAREGA is targeted against Congress leaders in general and Rita Bahuguna Joshi in particular.

Immediately after the announcement of MAREGA, Rita Bahuguna Joshi was arrested under the provisions of the act and sent to jail. Her house was also burnt down and valuables looted. Government officials expressed confidence that these acts would help Ms. Joshi realize her mistake. And it indeed seemed to work as later both Ms. Joshi and Congress President Sonia Gandhi expressed regret over Ms. Joshi’s comments.

“MAREGA will continue in force until every Congress worker is civilized. Respected Madam Soniaji has gone mad and it was her who directed Rita to utter those comments. Respected Madam Soniaji too needs some educational grooming. I have heard that her Yuvraaj (Rahul Gandhi) is coming to Uttar Pradesh to protest MAREGA provisions. Let him read the act carefully before taking any step.” Mayawati cautioned.

Meanwhile Congress workers have decided to oppose MAREGA by applying the provisions of the act against Mayawati herself and BSP workers. The leaders have threatened to launch an agitation unless the Chief Minister voluntarily accepts Sonia Gandhi’s and Rita Bahuguna Joshi’s apologies.

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Thursday, July 16, 2009

“Non aligned countries should justify themselves”

NAMSharm-el-Sheikh, Egypt. Leading graphic designers and publishers from around the world have called for an end to the non-aligned movement. These men believe that the concept of non-alignment has lost its relevance and significance in the modern times when typesetting has reached new levels. Such thoughts were echoed at the annual meeting of the representatives from the so-called non-aligned software companies of the world.

“The world has moved much ahead of alignment and today there are much more vital stuff to discuss like embossing, bevelling, stroking, or even the basic issues like style-sheets and templates. Who cares about alignment? You could be left aligned, right aligned or centrally aligned, it’s your choice. Why be so shy to display your alignment? And if there is some reason why one wants to hide the alignment, better justify yourself.” one of the delegates at the non-aligned meeting told.

The delegates argued that issues like alignment were relevant to the times when there were very few word processors available and that too with nothing but basic formatting functions available. There was a time when only two big companies in the word processing business existed – one headquartered at Moscow that had left-alignment as the default format, and the other one headquartered at Washington that had right-alignment as the default format.

These two companies wanted all the new companies or engineers working on word processing software to either join them or be wiped out of business. Frustrated with such state of affairs, some activists believing in open-source and GNU licensing started the non-aligned movement, which was very attractive to begin with. These activists came forward and started distributing word processing software for free, which had no text alignment as the default format.

The movement gradually gained steam and more and more engineers and smaller companies joined hands. Many counties officially adopted these word processing software, these countries were later called as the non-aligned countries.

Ultimately the monopoly of the two big companies withered away, resulting in the issue of alignment being pushed away to the sidelines. Therefore the delegates suggested that the non-aligned movement should be buried respectfully and the participating companies should concentrate on other aspects of business while furthering the basic philosophy of open-source software.

The top management of the participating companies are yet to comment on the suggestion, and it seems that such non-aligned meetings would continue to happen until the top bosses take a decision. Meanwhile, some business did happen at the meeting, with companies from India and Pakistan agreeing for link and banner exchange to foster better ties.

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Monday, July 13, 2009

Bacardi to sponsor Liberhan Commission report

BacardiNew Delhi. The central government might finally make the findings of the Liberhan Commission report public. The commission was constituted to investigate reasons, roles and events that led to the demolition of Babri Masjid on 6 December 1992, and had submitted its report to the Prime Minister last month. There had been demands to make the findings of the report public since then and our sources confirm that the report could indeed be made public in a few days.

Our sources further inform that the government is currently busy finalizing sponsorship deals with various groups for the public release of the report, and it seems that the deal would be bagged by the Bermuda based spirits company Bacardi. Both these events – sponsorship of the report and public release of the findings – would be soon announced in a press conference.

This would mean that there would be big logos and pictures of Bacardi brands in the backdrop at the launch event. The front page of the report would mention “Bacardi presents” and each page will have watermark of Bacardi logo. Since journalists don’t like reading full reports and prefer trusting summaries written by the government, a small booklet named “Bacardi Blasts” would be released containing highlights of the findings. Furthermore, the report will refer to the persons implicated by the commission for the Babri demolition as “Bacardi Boys”.

This sponsorship deal has been reportedly valued at 16 crore rupees by the government and our sources inform that Bacardi might fall in with without much negotiation. If the deal goes through, Liberhan Commission would be the first and the only commission in the history of independent India to have earned profits for the government.

It should be noted that Liberhan Commission, a one man commission, was expected to submit its report in February 1993 itself, within three months of its constitution. But it took around 17 years to complete the report and cost the government a whopping 8 crore rupees. But with this deal, the commission would actually help the government make 8 crore rupees over the expenses.

“Our target is to bring down the fiscal deficit this budgetary year and such steps are going to help us realize this goal. There are many commissions who have not yet submitted their reports and we would strive for similar deals with all of them. UPA government will change the definition of such commissions.” an officer at the PMO told on conditions of anonymity.

Bacardi’s sponsorship of Liberhan Commission report is expected to heat up the competition in the Indian beverages and liquor market. Market analysts believe that this is the first time a group would strongly challenge Dr. Vijay Mallya’s innovative marketing strategies and give the UB group a run for their money.

“Mallya had always used Sex and Cricket for marketing as Indians are very interested in both, and he was right too. But Religion and Politics are two other things that Indians love even more than Cricket and sometimes even Sex. While Dr. Mallya had unsuccessfully tried politics and kept away from religion, Bacardi has struck a masterstroke with this deal.” Marketing guru Suhail Seth told.

Management of Bacardi is also upbeat about the prospects and feels that this sponsorship deal will strongly entrench the company into the Indian mindset, making them the market leaders. Management believes that since the Babri issue is not expected to be resolved in any foreseeable future, the company can reap the benefits of this sponsorship for an indefinite time period. They denied the possibility that Bacardi could antagonize either Hindus or Muslims by such sponsorships.

“We have always believed in walking the middle path. You might know that we had good relationship with both Fidel Castro as well as the CIA. So there is no reason why we can’t take the middle path here. This is just a shift from Rum and Revolution to Rum and Religion in our approach, which we think will surely work in India. And hasn’t one of your poets written that Temples and Mosques created differences among people while Liquor united them?” Bacardi chairman Facundo L. Bacardi quoted Harivansh Rai Bachchan’s lines from Madhushala.

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Saturday, July 11, 2009

Obama, Sarkozy discuss the G8 girl


Was it G8 or G5 or G14? Whatever it was, but it was all bout G(irl).

Read the complete Report and Comment

nilekaniBangalore. Software giant Infosys declared its Q1 results, registering a net rise in profits by more than 17% over last year. This is a good number. All the software farmers were happy as if they received the first shower of monsoon. The Sensex also responded positively and gained some points on this. Infosys shares were up by 4%. Market gazers believe that these days the quarter results declaration is more or less like a festival. People wait for it as if it is Diwali, Eid, Pongal or Christmas.

"It is indeed a good sign of recovery" echoed the freshers who have got the offer letter in their hands. Some of them have laminated it as they are not getting the confirmed joining date and it was proving to be difficult to preserve the cheap quality of paper.

Infosys CFO Mr. Vibin Balakrishnan expressed his happiness on the report and said that it indeed matched the mandatory growth rate defined by the UPA government. Talking exclusively to Faking News, Mr. Balakrishnan revealed that the removal of Nandan Nilekani was a deliberate step forced by the government to boost the account books of Infosys aka Railways under Lalu Yadav.
“Nandan Nilekani’s salary and perks were astronomically high and if we wouldn't have done it a day before the quarter results, we would not have been able to paint an optimistic growth picture for the next quarter. Now the UPA will take care of him, his wife, his mother and his kids from Yale University.” Mr. Balakrishnan expressed hope and confidence.

Infosys CEO S. Gopalakrishnan also addressed media persons on this occasion and shared his vision and plans of bagging some more projects from the government now that there was an insider (sic.) among the babus. He promised that the freshers would soon get joining dates, but advised them to not to get too excited over the possibility.

Now the market is waiting for Wipro results with bated breath. After seeing all the quarterly reports, BATA consultancy Services (BCS) will publish its own reports. BCS is keeping mum on the new deal sign offs. It bagged the Ferrari deal in the previous quarter. COO of BCS, Chandru confirmed to us that the company had bagged another multi-million rupee deal from Lambretta Scooters. This has not yet been announced as they are in the silent period before the quarters result. The challenge of this project will be to get the ageing Lambretta scooters on the road.

(Submitted by the correspondent 'Idiot Box' through electronic mail from the Electronic City)

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Friday, July 10, 2009

John Abraham has the sexiest armpit: Rediff poll

johnMumbai. An online poll conducted by the popular Indian website has chosen John Abraham as the celebrity with The Sexiest Armpit. John emerged on top among ten Indian and international celebrities to win the title. Sanjay Dutt, Salman Khan, Arnold Schwarzenegger, Brad Pitt, Roger Federer, Shoaib Akhtar, He-man, Smelly Cat, and Rakhi Sawant were the other contenders for the title. This shortlist was decided by Rediff Comments team.

“Our research department had come up with a study indicating that Indians had long been interested in celebrity armpits. Being a responsible media organization, we had to offer what people of India demanded and hence we decided to run this poll. I’m happy that the results are out. If people want, we can run this contest at regular intervals to track the popularity of celebrity armpits.” Rediff CEO Ajit Balakrishnan told Faking News.

Within minutes of the result being declared, Rediff messageboard was abuzz with people discussing the outcome. Around thousand comments were posted, out of which more than 950 were reported for abuse. Rest of the comments either congratulated John or accused Christian missionaries of having funded the poll. Some comments showed broken URLs of website offering free full body massage, while one user wondered why Brad Pitt was not selected even though his name rhymed with armpit.

But away from the world of comments, John Abraham expressed happiness over the result and thanked fans for selecting his armpits. Media analysts believe that John could now win various advertising contracts for deodorant brands. Some of the experts believe that more such polls could take place in near future as they further the interests of various brands and celebrities.

“We could soon see a ‘Sexiest Feet’ contest to promote a shoe brand. Maybe a ‘Sexiest Hair’ contest to promote a shampoo or even a comb. Having seen the way market and media manipulates us, I’d not be surprised to see a ‘Sexiest Asshole’ contest to promote a brand of toilet paper.” advertising and media critic Aulad Kakkar expressed his fears.

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Thursday, July 9, 2009

Manmohan Singh reaches the G-spot

manmohan singhL'Aquila, Italy. Prime Minister Manmohan Singh is all set to address world leaders in the G8+G5 summit hosting city, which we are calling G-spot to be equally fair to 8 and 5. But the Indian Prime Minister will have to be extra careful during his stay thanks to the nature of the hosting city and the hosting Prime Minister. The L'Aquila city welcomed its guests by jolting them with minor earthquakes, while the Italian Prime Minister Silvio Berlusconi has already jolted almost all his guests.

Our junior Italian reporter Quattrobacha reports that the world leaders were quite concerned and opted out of the proposed evening party thrown by the Italian Prime Minister. It’s not clear if the world leaders were afraid of earthquakes or the nature of Berlusconi’s parties. While our Italian reporter didn’t have any hidden camera to expose Berlusconi’s party plans, he did inform us that there seemed to be a certain confusion among authorities on how to deal with the world leaders when the ground below them was shaking.

Meanwhile away from these speculations, Indian Prime Minister addressed mediapersons informing that India's agenda on the list was to remind the G8 (as well as G5) nations that India and China were the emerging economies and they should be treated at par with the developed western economy. Prime Minister was hoping that China will support his stand but the Chinese premier quit the city and the summit to go back to his country. Perhaps he thought that riots in Xinxiang were safer than tremors in L’Aquila.

But the news was sufficient enough a boost for Sensex that touched 14,000 following the statement by the Prime Minister. Speculators at Dalaal Street are now waiting for the full speech of the Prime Minister of India at the summit.

Tech Italia, the technology news partner of Faking News, has confirmed that Dr. Manmohan Singh will be delivering the speech in English, Hindi or Punjabi (or maybe even Tamil or Bengali) but other delegates will be listening directly to Sonia Gandhi's speech in fluent Italian. This operational decision was ostensibly made to avoid any cost incurred in translation.

But this decision has started a political controversy in India. BJP has claimed that this again proved hat the Prime Minister was weak and Sonia Gandhi was the real center of power. But a Faking News investigation has exposed that the decision was taken after a bureaucratic goof up. Indian officials had sent the translator to Lal Quila in Delhi instead of L’Aquila in Italy. Government has denied this and stuck to the explanation that the decision was made to cut costs due to the global economic slowdown.

Apart from the economic slowdown, climate change is also expected to be on the agenda of the summit. India doesn’t have to worry too much over this aspect as Indians don’t use enough electricity due to power crisis, and hence not contributing to global warming. The summit could also see protests by communists, anarchists, human rights groups, pacifists, homosexuals, unemployeds, European extreme-right wing activists and animal rights groups.

According to our sources, members of PETA (Plea for Equal Treatment of Asians) are planning to come out in large numbers tomorrow to protest against Australia. Australia is neither the part of G8 nor G5.

(The report is based on exclusive and latest reports from our correspondent Idiot Box)

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Wednesday, July 8, 2009

Research proves Yeti was a bureaucrat

yetiGaro Hills, Meghalaya. Local scientists have confirmed that the legendary stories about spotting of Yeti (also known as the Bigfoot or the Snowman) were not completely mythical in nature. A five-year long research by the scientists has concluded that Yeti actually existed and continues to exist. The most striking part of the research is that it rejects the notion that Yeti was some beast, arguing that Yeti was actually a human being – a modern day bureaucrat.

“Unlike other folklores that date back to medieval ages or even to prehistoric times, Yeti’s stories were not heard before 19th century. This made us believe that Yeti was a product of modern era when democratic political systems and modern nation-states emerged. This is how we got the hypothesis for our research.” Maanav Himija, one of the scientists told.

The researchers found many similarities between a modern day bureaucrat and the legendary Yeti. Both of them visited hilly and remote areas populated by underprivileged sections of society, but once in a blue moon. Both were deemed powerful by the locals, who were under awe of their enormous powers. Both earned their livelihood by taking away the resources of the locals.

“We progressively got convinced that Yeti was the name given to the elusive bureaucrat by locals in these areas. Generations over generation people added some hearsay to the appearance and character of the elusive bureaucrat and he became the legendary Yeti. You can’t really blame the locals for this.” Maanav Himija explained the conclusions of the research.

SabuAlthough the bureaucracy and the government dismissed the report as being ‘frivolous', the researchers got a shot in their arm when leading cartoonist of India, Pran Kumar Sharma, startlingly disclosed that the name of his famous cartoon character “Sabu” (from the Chacha Chaudhary series) was actually inspired form the word “Babu”, a Hindi slang for a bureaucrat.

For the uninitiated, Sabu is a twenty feet tall (who increases his flab size whenever he wants) pet giant of Chacha Chaudhary. He originally belongs to Jupiter and eats a lot of food, which often causes Chacha’s domestic budget to go haywire, attracting nagging criticism from Chachi, the wife of Chacha Chaudhary. Sabu acts and does some work only when Chacha Chaudhary is in deep shit trouble, else he sleeps peacefully in normal times.

“I must admit that I had modeled Sabu on a bureaucrat, a rather friendly and active bureaucrat. You can very easily see that all his characteristics matches so well with those in bureaucracy. And now you are telling me about this research. I’m not at all surprised that Yeti was also a bureaucrat. These scientists have done a good job and must be congratulated.” cartoonist Pran told Faking News.

Read the complete Report and Comment

Monday, July 6, 2009

Highlights of Union Budget 2009-10

BudgetNew Delhi. For those of our readers, who missed the budget speech of Finance Minister Pranab Mukherjee, Faking News brings the highlights of the Union Budget:

  • Defense budget has been increased by over 34%. The ruling coalition can now defend all its tainted MPs without worrying for legal expenses as Service Tax will be now levied on Law firms.

  • Income tax slabs have been raised. Since income hasn’t risen too much in the last year due to recession, government was considerate enough not to raise the slabs too much as well.

  • Government will ensue that farming sector grows, but farming land might become lesser as there is a focus on infrastructure development.

  • Crop loan to farmers will be given at 6%. The farmers need to furnish a few documents – a driving license, a passport with visa to USA, last three years audited IT returns certificate and an affidavit that government won’t be responsible if he commits suicide.

  • Fringe Benefit Tax has been abolished. Companies are free to abolish the benefits too.

  • Contrary to popular expectations, no special schemes were announced for gays. e.g. Lesbians were not picked up for mention even as mission for female literacy with focus on minorities, SC/ST was announced.

  • No change in corporate tax. Swiss banks too have not changed interest rates.

  • Drugs for heart diseases will be made cheaper. Get a stronger heart for next five years.

  • Print Media stimulus package extended by six months. Pagal Patrakar wishes Faking News was a print newspaper.

  • NREGA allocation up by almost 150%. Jai Ho! To provide a real wage of Rs. 100 per day, this is equal to the monthly revenues of Faking News.

  • Government to spend Rs. 12000 crores on rural roads. The decision was taken in wake of the possibility of Tata’s Nano car being owned by each rural household.

  • Modernization of National Employment Exchanges. Sleek looking gals will hand out job application forms to the unemployed youth.

  • PSUs to remain within public sector! LOL!

  • Almost Rs. 1500 crores more allocated for Commonwealth Games. It includes prizes for contractors to finish their work early and in time.

  • Our correspondent Idiot Box further reports:

    OOPs He did it again

    Budget Flu has attacked the Indian subcontinent and everyone is mourning and singing "OOPs he did it again... although after more than 2 decades) When Pranaab Da started his union budget, the entire nation was looking at him as if he is the most qualified person to look for GDP growth of 9%. "Arrey Bhai, what calculation let you to dream of GDP growth of 9%", asked an amused kela aadmi (cousin of aam aadmi). After seeing a negative inflation, even the most gadha (donkey) aadmi would question the credibility of numbers.

    Not only entire nation, the entire world was looking. Even the Wall Street in New York had come to a halt (anyways it was night time in New York, observed Mr.Witty Birbal, a senior analyst from Faking News). All eyes were on the plasma display which was giving minute by minute update on the budget. Even the Wall Street Bull lifted his head to see the budget.

    All desis came out on the street as if it was the night before thanksgiving! They came with their own tap water and home made idli-vada, samosa-pakora for snacks. Some had even put up their sweater and scarf as they feel it is always cold in any foreign country.

    All the websites and television channels were giving live updates. The 6th of July is marked as the 'Serial Killer' day in India as no serials was broadcasted. Today the T.V. was dominated by Pranab and Arnab (Arnab of the Arnab Goswami fame who can talk non-stop without any break).

    Anandi of 'Balika Vadhu' and Akshara of 'Yeh Rishta Kya Kehlata hai' were also heard talking about budget. This was a strategic move started by the new government to educate the couch potato housewives of the impact of budget. Housewives can now bug their husband to buy imported LCD T.V. as the tax has been reduced.

    The cyber space was full of tweets. All the birdies were tweeting nano second by second update of the budget. Faking News cyber-crawlers uncovered some exclusive updates which were not commonly seen on the web.

    July 6, 2009, 06:00 : Alarm Bell rings and Pranab stops the alarm in his sleep and laziness.

    July 6, 2009, 06:45 : Pranab wakes up and rushes to get ready for his special day. His PA submits a report that he is delayed for the budget speech.

    July 6, 2009, 07:00 : Sensex down by 420.99 points on negative sentiments from budget as people read the news paper in the morning (This is the first time in history that market has fallen even before the opening bell).

    July 6, 2009, 10:12 : Tax limit changed for Gay too.The first slab of income of Rs. 377,000 will be tax free for Gay and Rs. 4,20,000 will be exempted for the lesbians.

    July 6, 2009, 11:57 : Agricultural growth to increase by 4%. This can be achieved by growing potatoes over the roof top of IT companies and installing flower pots in the place of desktops of laid off employees. Following Green revolution, this will be coined as Pink revolution taking cue from the pink slips.

    July 6, 2009 12:00 : Citizens are encouraged to buy imported gold jewellery although the basic food price keep shooting through the roof. Wife of Manmohan Singh has already requested for gold bars as soon as the clock struck 12.

    Read the complete Report and Comment

    Sunday, July 5, 2009

    Salient features of Railway Budget 2009-10

    railwayNew Delhi. With the new budget Maamta Di has also announced new perks. Railing behind the pro-gay ruling, she has announced a new quota called the ‘Gay Quota’. All RAC can be automatically converted to Gay Quota as they will have no problem in sharing berths. 'Pulling the Chain' will have also a different context in the railway rule. If the male co-passenger does not give his consent, then pulling the chain can lead to two nights in isolation in a jail in Delhi or Rs. 377 fine or both. Like there were separate coupa for women, there will be another coupa for men travelling alone as our bhai-baap will be unsafe from the gayish look of straight men.

    Tatkaal scheme will be now renamed to 'Taatkaal' scheme to give it a pro-Bengal accent. Since Lalu has now converted to a non-veggie and started eating chicken, chicken will be removed from the menu and replaced with maacher-jhol (fish curry). This will give Lalu the reinforcing feeling that he was not in power. To rub it further, his father-in-law will not be allowed to board the train without a proper ticket now.

    Trains would now stop at all the nondescript stations in West Bengal. The railway minister said this at the inauguration of New Railway e-Mail Service "Train should stop at Malda Town as well as Malda Village. If Malda Village doesn't exist, then a new station should be created with this name".

    The minister said that the RMS (Railway Mail Service) should change to Railway email service. It has appointed Mr. Chandan Nilekani of Tinfosys for the same. Mr. Nilekani will quit his job and lead the Railway informatics team. Other Indian software companies like BATA Consultancy Services (BCS) will also be benefitted by this as they will be given some contract to manage data. A German company, TAP Labs based out of Bangalore will be given the contract to carry out seamless distribution of email across the nation and the world. It will use a pioneering concept of opening the tap and filling it at stations. It will be an electronic tap and fill the bogie with email at a particular station.

    There will be no increase in fare and the unreserved waitlisted AC 1st class ticket can now be converted to a low cost airline named Dice Jet, because when you travel by Dice Jet, your chance of reaching the destination is dicey and you take almost the same time as railways.

    Lalu's Kullhad will be now replaced by Nano cups. It will be the smallest cup in the market. Mr Patan Bata, chairman of BATA group expressed his gratitude for getting business in Bengal. He has suffered major loss when Nano car project was thrown out of Bengal. He will make some profit by selling nano cups. He agreed that he will employ 100% of labours from the neighbouring Jhhingur village in Bengal.

    With these set of reforms in the Railways, the budget is sure to give a mishti (sweet) feeling in the 'Korbo-Lorbo-Jeetbo' generation.

    (Submitted by the correspondent 'Idiot Box' through the Railway e-mail Service)

    Read the complete Report and Comment

    Friday, July 3, 2009

    Railway passengers will be fined for snoring and farting

    Indian RailNew Delhi. In a significant development, Railway Minister Mamta Banerjee announced a new rule for Indian Railways that would empower TTEs (Train Ticket Examiners) to penalize passengers indulged in persistent snoring or farting while traveling. The penalty could range from a fine of 500 Rupees to five hours of imprisonment inside the train toilet. The rule was announced while presenting the Railway Budget for financial year 2009-10, and will come into effect from next week.

    The rule has been welcomed and come as a relief to millions of non-snoring-non-farting railway commuters, who otherwise were disappointed with the minister over non-introduction of new facilities to enrich the traveling experience. Such harassed commuters will now have an option of complaining to the TTE about a snoring or farting passenger causing discomfort to them, following which the TTE would be free to exercise his punitive powers right away.

    “It’s a very good decision. In fact I would say that this is the best that Mamtadi could do to better the traveling experience. What’s the use of other facilities when there is a farting zombie sitting with you? Can you imagine a situation where you are served the most delicious food by the Railways and as soon as you open the packet, the guy sitting next to you farts? It sucks man! Same goes for snoring losers; what’s the use of being offered a cozy berth with Kashmiri shawl if the guy sleeping on the next berth is sending out a wake up alarm all the time?” Prashant, a railway commuter told.

    But many people believe that the new rule curtails the fundamental rights of people, especially the right to equality and the right to freedom of expression. They believe that fining or imprisoning someone is akin to treating them like criminals, which violates the fundamental rights of people.

    “On what basis farting or snoring could be deemed as a crime? On one hand we just had gay sex being legalized and on the other hand we are witnessing farting and snoring being illegalized. This is shocking. Just like gays choose to release their sexuality in a different way, these people choose to release air in a bit different way from the majority. How can it be a punishable crime?” Ashant, a Human Rights activist protested.

    These activists suggest that people having problems with snoring or farting passengers should change their berths instead of victimizing the poor souls. Fearing a showdown between protestors and supporters of the new rule, some pacifists have suggested a system that could allow people to indicate themselves as farters or non-farters while booking the tickets so that the railways can club them separately and allocate berths accordingly.

    Ms. Mamta Banerjee promised to look into the matter but she categorically denied that the rule could be scrapped following these protests, which means that rest of the passengers can breathe a whiff of fresh air for now.

    Read the complete Report and Comment

    Thursday, July 2, 2009

    Durex to launch gay condoms in India

    gay condomNew Delhi. It seems that a whole new gay economy is waiting to open up after Delhi High Court legalized gay sex in India today. Experts anticipate that more and more gays would now come out in open and assert their identity and rights after this verdict. This also potentially opens up a new and lucrative consumer group for marketers as most of the gays and lesbians are assumed to be belonging to well-off families.

    Durex, the international condom manufacturers, has become the first corporate group to reach out to this potential consumer group. The company announced its plan to launch exclusive condoms for Indian gays. The ‘gay’ condom has been named “GayPlay” and the company claims that it differs from the ‘straight’ condoms in aesthetics and components, and has been designed exclusively for gays keeping in view their special needs. GayPlay condoms would be made of latex as usual, but the thickness and lubricity of the material will vary from the straight condoms.

    “Gays need condoms that can sustain coarse wear and tear over a period of time but still are able to provide silky lubrication. The regular condoms fail on these factors and prove to be useless for gays. GayPlay has all that the gays needed but we were afraid that the product would have been declared illegal in India. Now that India has legalized gay sex, the last hurdle in the launch of GayPlay has gone.” Durex issued a press release announcing the launch.

    Experts believe that this is just the beginning and we could see many more gay targeted products and services being offered soon in India. Google hot trends also showed that most Indians searched for India’s first gay cartoon character “Gaydhak” immediately after gay sex was declared legal.

    “Gaydhak is just a small fry but a good beginning for India. But India needs to learn a lot from the outside world. You would be happy to learn that we could soon have the first gay Disneyland in the USA. Our lobbyists are trying hard to pressurize Obama administration to give green signal to the proposed Disneyland and inaugurate it by unveiling a grand statute of Pluto embracing Goofy. It would be so cool.” Homa Gaylot, a leading gay rights activist told Faking News.

    Gay right groups expect services like gay amusement parks, gay pubs, and gay matrimony websites to be launched soon in India. But their ultimate dream is to see Gay Premier League (GPL) being organized by the BCCI.

    “We are normal people. We do normal things and like all other normal Indians, we love Cricket. We would be most happy to see GPL being organized in India. I’m sure Shahrukh Khan will definitely buy a gay team and support the cause. We are sure his gay team would do much better than his supposedly straight Knight Riders.” Homa Gaylot expressed hope.

    Read the complete Report and Comment

    petrol stationNew Delhi. Millions of Indians, mostly belonging to the middle and upper middle classes, brought traffic and daily life to a standstill in various cities of the country last evening by queuing up to buy petrol and diesel from filling stations before their prices went up last midnight. Government had hiked the petrol prices by four rupees per liter and diesel by two rupees per liter, apparently to cut losses of oil companies in view of rising prices of crude oil in the international market. But it seems that with this price hike, government has been able achieve more than just cutting the losses of oil companies.

    “A typical car tank holds up to 40-50 liters of petrol, and hence those smart Indians who spent hours in queues last night to fill their tank fully could save around 150-200 rupees each. Let us discount the value of their time and value of the petrol that they might have lost while waiting in the queue. Since the number of such smart Indians was sizeable, the amount saved can’t be ignored. And let us not confuse the amount with ordinary savings; petrol is an asset, which means that those people could increase their assets and their individual net worths by 150-200 rupees instantly as valuation of petrol went up after last midnight. This clearly meant that millions of those smart Indians could increase public saving by billions of rupees, which should now bring down the interest rates and increase public investment.” noted economist Asatya Sen told Faking News.

    Various Indians who queued up to buy petrol or diesel last night were happy and contented to learn this. They felt vindicated at having spent time and energy for buying petrol and hoped that the economy will get a boost after their generous contribution. But their happiness was a bit short-lived as many experts feared that this increase in public saving could actually adversely impact the economy and the lives of common man.

    “I agree with Asatya Sen that this increase in public saving will bring down the interest rates, but that would not stimulate investment or shape up the economy. In fact, a fall in interest rates will push up housing prices impacting the common man. Not only housing prices, a general inflationary movement could be witnessed soon. We always blame the government for inflation that follows petrol price hikes, but the truth is that the common man is responsible for this mess thanks to his smart-ass behavior of saving a few bucks.” another noted economist Satya Sen opined.

    Petroleum Minister Murli Deora agreed with Satya Sen and feared that such reckless behavior by the citizens of India could initiate an inflationary movement in the economy causing the prices of essential commodities to go up. He also suspected that most of the people who queued up yesterday night to buy petrol could have been BJP workers who wanted to discredit the government by pushing up inflation. The minister warned the opposition and media against blaming the UPA government for the ensuing inflation.

    Read the complete Report and Comment

    Wednesday, July 1, 2009

    Hunt on for sculptor who merged Mayawati and Elephant statues

    MayawatiLucknow. The entire Uttar Pradesh administration got the shock of their life when they found out that one of the statues of the Chief Minister Kumari Behen Mayawati, which was to be unveiled by Mayawati herself, had head of an elephant. The shocking discovery was made when the officials were inspecting all the to-be-unveiled-and-installed statutes for possible hidden explosives. A massive hunt for the sculptor, who mysteriously created this half-mayawati-half-elephant statue, has been ordered by the state administration.

    It is not clear if the original statue was designed to be that of Mayawati or an elephant, as the fugitive sculptor had merged the head and the torso seamlessly. But in either case, the statue was intended to be a part of the grand project by the Chief Minister to construct parks, museums, and memorials dedicated to dalits, which would help them advance socially and psychologically. Installing statues of herself and of elephants, the symbol of her political party, has been the pinnacle of the project.

    Numerous theories were doing the round about the possible motive of the sculptor behind creating such a statue. The local District Magistrate believes that the sculptor was too drained and disoriented after carving out innumerous statues of Mayawati and elephants in recent times, and thus mixed up both the statues inadvertently. But not many in the state administration are ready to buy his theory and he might be suspended for this grave dereliction of duty.

    Chief Minister Mayawati has accused Samajwadi Party and Congress workers to be behind the act, and has warned them of dire consequences. She threatened to defile statues of Mahatma Gandhi if another such half-mayawati-half-elephant statue was found in any part of the state.

    But her own party leader and the popular Brahmin face of the party Mr. Satish Chandra Mishra has sought to downplay the development. In fact, Mr. Mishra claimed that the controversial statue was actually a genuine tribute to the divinity of Behen Mayawati.

    “I believe the sculptor acted in good faith. He tried to create a female version of Lord Ganesha and out of his devotion, he chose Behenji as the medium of expression. Lord Ganesha is the god of intellect and wisdom. He removes obstacles, facilitates auspicious beginnings, and is a patron of arts and sciences. All these qualities are present in Behenji, so it was perfectly fitting for the sculptor to have done this.” Mr. Mishra put a spin on the whole episode.

    It’s not sure if Mr. Mishra’s spin would be able to save the sculptor who has gone underground after the statue was first discovered by the security officials. But while the state police was still trying to hunt down the sculptor, Faking News special correspondent could catch hold of him. The sculptor was very tense and terrified, and requested our correspondent not to disclose his whereabouts. When we promised to keep his details secret, the sculptor confided to us his frustrations.

    “I was mighty pissed off after making thousands of statues of Mayawati and elephants. My life was getting screwed. My wife left me because I compared her nature with Mayawati’s and beauty with an elephant. I don’t even know if I meant the other way round, my wife never believed me. To top it all, I heard that the state government had spent something like 2000 crores on these statues with a single statue costing around 70 lakhs. What the fuck man! I was not even paid 700 rupees for one statue!! What do you expect me to do?” the sculptor told agitatedly.

    Read the complete Report and Comment