Indian terror camps in Balochistan messed up in corruption

Quetta, Pakistan. In a shocking discovery, Faking News has learnt that India is running absolutely pathetic terror camps in Balochistan province of Pakistan. The management of these camps is highly bureaucratic and operations are hopeless, ironically this is one of the reasons why Pakistan has not been able to prove anything till now. But according to our investigation, New Delhi has spent billions of Indian rupees over last seven years on these camps, but of no use.

Our investigations started after Pakistan allegedly handed over a mysterious dossier containing proofs of Indian involvement in running terror camps in Balochistan a couple of weeks back. Our undercover reporter faked being a porn CD supplier and reached interior areas of Balochistan to find out the truth, and the truth was shocking to say the least.

The terror camps in these areas were started by the Indian government seven years back but now they almost wear a deserted look. Our reporter found out that there were no basic amenities available at these camps and the terror trainers lacked any skills whatsoever.

“Those trainers seemed petty thieves and pickpockets from India, who had no knowledge on how to wage a guerilla warfare or stage mass murders. They tried to teach us operating hand-grenades and AK-47 rifles after reading shoddy teaching notes. Worst, we never got any hand-grenades or AK-47s to test our practical skills.” Abdul Balochi, an aspiring terrorist told us.

In course of our investigation, we found out, to our shock and disbelief, that RAW had billed millions of rupees to central government towards professional fees paid to these trainers, who were shown on paper as hardcore terrorists caught in Jammu & Kashmir. Central government was also billed a huge amount for arms and ammunitions supposedly given to the aspiring terrorists in Balochistan.

“That’s bullshit! Once we were told that hand-grenades had arrived. We ran out in excitement to open the boxes, only to find out that the boxes contained pomegranates. Later on we were told that it was due to a clerical error and won’t be repeated. When we asked if we could eat the pomegranates, we were asked to write applications in English, Hindi, Urdu, Balochi and Punjabi to seek permission. Neither hand-grenades nor pomegranates ever arrived after that.” Abdul shared his frustration.

These terror camps were supposed to pay a monthly stipend of 30,000 Indian rupees to all aspiring terrorists, and the government exchequer had thinned over past few years owing to this provision, but the ground reality, again, was far from what was shown on papers. Only a few of the trainees got the stipend, and that too of 3000 rupees. In fact, bungling was reported even in those 3000 rupees.

“Many times I was given fake Indian currencies. I could very well recognize them as my elder brother works in the Pakistani press where Indian fake currencies are printed. One of the 500 rupees note that I received had ‘I love you Abdul’ written on it. It was actually written by my girlfriend before we shipped the fake currencies to India. Apparently Indians write such slogans on currencies and we were told that such stuff would make the fake ones appear genuine to the Indian eyes.” Abdul spilled more beans.

Our investigations threw up many such startling facts that made Indian terror camps a hopeless case. The trainees of such camps were not skilled enough to even snatch wallets from Pakistani armymen, let alone liberate Balochistan. To the horror of locals, very soon coordinators of such shoddy terror camps started asking for bribes to induct new trainees. Such glaring incompetence and corruption levels saddened the locals, who slowly shifted their loyalties to Taliban, who were better in running such camps.

Currently the terror camps started by India are in dilapidated state and locals use it as a shade for their livestock. But the central government is still billed millions of rupees for the upkeep and operations of these camps. When we tried to contact RAW and government officials for their reactions over our findings, we were threatened to put behind bars for compromising with national security.

“Non aligned countries should justify themselves”

Sharm-el-Sheikh, Egypt. Leading graphic designers and publishers from around the world have called for an end to the non-aligned movement. These men believe that the concept of non-alignment has lost its relevance and significance in the modern times when typesetting has reached new levels. Such thoughts were echoed at the annual meeting of the representatives from the so-called non-aligned software companies of the world.

“The world has moved much ahead of alignment and today there are much more vital stuff to discuss like embossing, bevelling, stroking, or even the basic issues like style-sheets and templates. Who cares about alignment? You could be left aligned, right aligned or centrally aligned, it’s your choice. Why be so shy to display your alignment? And if there is some reason why one wants to hide the alignment, better justify yourself.” one of the delegates at the non-aligned meeting told.

The delegates argued that issues like alignment were relevant to the times when there were very few word processors available and that too with nothing but basic formatting functions available. There was a time when only two big companies in the word processing business existed – one headquartered at Moscow that had left-alignment as the default format, and the other one headquartered at Washington that had right-alignment as the default format.

These two companies wanted all the new companies or engineers working on word processing software to either join them or be wiped out of business. Frustrated with such state of affairs, some activists believing in open-source and GNU licensing started the non-aligned movement, which was very attractive to begin with. These activists came forward and started distributing word processing software for free, which had no text alignment as the default format.

The movement gradually gained steam and more and more engineers and smaller companies joined hands. Many counties officially adopted these word processing software, these countries were later called as the non-aligned countries.

Ultimately the monopoly of the two big companies withered away, resulting in the issue of alignment being pushed away to the sidelines. Therefore the delegates suggested that the non-aligned movement should be buried respectfully and the participating companies should concentrate on other aspects of business while furthering the basic philosophy of open-source software.

The top management of the participating companies are yet to comment on the suggestion, and it seems that such non-aligned meetings would continue to happen until the top bosses take a decision. Meanwhile, some business did happen at the meeting, with companies from India and Pakistan agreeing for link and banner exchange to foster better ties.

Manmohan Singh reaches the G-spot

L'Aquila, Italy. Prime Minister Manmohan Singh is all set to address world leaders in the G8+G5 summit hosting city, which we are calling G-spot to be equally fair to 8 and 5. But the Indian Prime Minister will have to be extra careful during his stay thanks to the nature of the hosting city and the hosting Prime Minister. The L'Aquila city welcomed its guests by jolting them with minor earthquakes, while the Italian Prime Minister Silvio Berlusconi has already jolted almost all his guests.

Our junior Italian reporter Quattrobacha reports that the world leaders were quite concerned and opted out of the proposed evening party thrown by the Italian Prime Minister. It’s not clear if the world leaders were afraid of earthquakes or the nature of Berlusconi’s parties. While our Italian reporter didn’t have any hidden camera to expose Berlusconi’s party plans, he did inform us that there seemed to be a certain confusion among authorities on how to deal with the world leaders when the ground below them was shaking.

Meanwhile away from these speculations, Indian Prime Minister addressed mediapersons informing that India's agenda on the list was to remind the G8 (as well as G5) nations that India and China were the emerging economies and they should be treated at par with the developed western economy. Prime Minister was hoping that China will support his stand but the Chinese premier quit the city and the summit to go back to his country. Perhaps he thought that riots in Xinxiang were safer than tremors in L’Aquila.

But the news was sufficient enough a boost for Sensex that touched 14,000 following the statement by the Prime Minister. Speculators at Dalaal Street are now waiting for the full speech of the Prime Minister of India at the summit.

Tech Italia, the technology news partner of Faking News, has confirmed that Dr. Manmohan Singh will be delivering the speech in English, Hindi or Punjabi (or maybe even Tamil or Bengali) but other delegates will be listening directly to Sonia Gandhi's speech in fluent Italian. This operational decision was ostensibly made to avoid any cost incurred in translation.

But this decision has started a political controversy in India. BJP has claimed that this again proved hat the Prime Minister was weak and Sonia Gandhi was the real center of power. But a Faking News investigation has exposed that the decision was taken after a bureaucratic goof up. Indian officials had sent the translator to Lal Quila in Delhi instead of L’Aquila in Italy. Government has denied this and stuck to the explanation that the decision was made to cut costs due to the global economic slowdown.

Apart from the economic slowdown, climate change is also expected to be on the agenda of the summit. India doesn’t have to worry too much over this aspect as Indians don’t use enough electricity due to power crisis, and hence not contributing to global warming. The summit could also see protests by communists, anarchists, human rights groups, pacifists, homosexuals, unemployeds, European extreme-right wing activists and animal rights groups.

According to our sources, members of PETA (Plea for Equal Treatment of Asians) are planning to come out in large numbers tomorrow to protest against Australia. Australia is neither the part of G8 nor G5.

(The report is based on exclusive and latest reports from our correspondent Idiot Box)

Osama addresses the gay world

Tora Bora, Afpakistan. Al Qaida president Mr. Osama Bin Laden has delivered a speech specifically addressed to what he described as the ‘gay world’. The organization claimed that it’s an attempt to reach out to homosexuals living in different parts of the world, who are under the false impression that Al Qaida is inimical to them. Al Qaida sources termed the speech as a ‘message of peace’.

“Al Qaida is not at war with the gays. If anyone of you thinks we don’t like homosexuals, someone has given you false information. We don’t hate gays, but we just have our own views on sex.” Osama declared, requesting homosexuals to contact Al Qaida officials for more information and interaction to clear the misconceptions.

It should be noted that in the past, numerous instances of gay bashing by groups like Taliban, which are considered a part of the Al Qaida network, has given rise to the widespread belief that Al Qaida doesn’t like gays and lesbians and advocates penalty for them, even capital punishment on times. But Osama declared such beliefs ‘unfounded’.

Gay leaders worldwide have reacted cautiously to the speech. While many of them welcomed the step, the skeptics among them declared such speeches mere a ‘lip service’ till Al Qaida improves its records against gays. Some gay thinkers and journalists also questioned the terminology used by the Al Qaida men.

“What do they mean by reaching out to the gay world? Do they mean to suggest that there are no gays in Al Qaida, and they live in a different world? If they think so, they are living in fool’s paradise. I think there are a lot of similarities between a gay and an Al Qaida guy. Both like to screw people who are similar to themselves.” leading gay columnist of San Francisco Times Allton Peter told.

Meanwhile Obama administration has ridiculed the speech by Osama and has cautioned people against such gimmicks by the most wanted terrorist of the USA. A government press release has assured gays of protection of their rights within and outside the USA, and has urged them not to lean towards Al Qaida after Osama’s speech.

Kangaroo accused of attacking Indians down under

Melbourne, Australia. Amid growing attacks on Indians down under and presumed pressure on the authorities to act tough against the victims culprits, the local police here claimed to have solved the mystery behind the alleged racist attacks. Police and the local authorities think that either one big burly Kangaroo or a group of rowdy Kangaroos were behind the attacks on Indians in recent weeks. Authorities also released a picture of a suspect Kangaroo.

“Our stand has been vindicated. These attacks were not at all racial in nature as paranoid Indian media have been suggesting. The culprits belong to a different species altogether. We will thoroughly investigate the issue and try to arrest these Kangaroos soon.” Melbourne Police Chief Mr. Down Right Rood informed in a packed press conference.

The police and authorities had tough time explaining this rowdy-Kangaroo-theory as none of the victims had claimed that the attackers were of bestial appearance. Even one of the videos showed a group of human looking Australians attacking an Indian in a train. The only thing authorities could say was that they were investigating the whole case and details would be available only after the investigations were over, but they had a ready explanation on why Kangaroos were attacking Indians only.

“Indians are not new to being attacked by animals. Some years back a monkey had attacked many Indians in their own capital city. My research department informs me that Indians worship cows so that they don’t attack them at will. So it was but obvious that Kangaroos chose Indians to attack. Indians must introspect why they are always at the receiving end.” Mr. Rood explained.

Our sources inform that a few researchers have also suggested that this big burly Kangaroo and the Monkey that attacked Indians in Delhi might be blood related. The Kangaroo might have been dumped into Australia for being too violent and criminal by the British government, which ruled over both India and Australia.

While the claims of Melbourne police and authorities were dismissed by many Indians outrightly, some groups suggested that they should wait till the investigations were over before concluding anything. But conclusions have already begun to come out. A few Indians have been petrified over the possibility of existence of self-transforming Kangaroos that transforms into human beings before attacking Indians.

“This is crazy! The government must tell us how to differentiate between those who appear as human beings and those who are actually human beings. My guess is that the transformed Kangaroos must be having proportionally big ears, and that’s why most of the culprits were covering their faces, especially ears, when they attacked Indians. Man, now I have to check everyone’s ears before going near them! This life sucks!” Rahul Sheth, an Indian living in Australia expressed concern.

Meanwhile a massive Kangaroo hunt has been started by the police to nab the jumping culprits. But the search operation by the police might run into rough weather as some Animal Rights activists have denounced the authorities for blaming Kangaroos without having enough proof against them. These activists also suspect a racial bias within the police to have picked an aboriginal animal over other animals as the prime suspect in the case.

The myth of bad Taliban

Lahore, Pakistan. Faking News has come up with another scoop after finding out the reason behind the bitter love affair between Chand Mohammad and Fiza. Our experts have concluded that there is no bad Taliban, giving credence to the belief of many Af-Pakistanis who think Taliban as a pious organization of passionate Muslims. Our experts have discovered that all the recent ‘bad’ terror attacks in Pakistan, e.g. bomb blast in a Mosque or attack on Sri Lankan Cricket team, were false-flag operations carried out by the ISI to discredit Taliban crusaders.

Our investigations started when the US President Obama expressed his willingness to talk to the ‘good’ Taliban for peace in the region. This statement was not met with the usual gaiety and support for the US policy by the Pakistani establishment. Our experts analyzed and deduced that Pakistani government considered the ‘good’ Taliban as a threat.

After further analysis, our experts found out that the administration and power centers of Pakistan have always been in the hands of a few people, mostly coming from the Punjab region, and these people have always thwarted any attempt to wrest powers from their hands. When people from earlier East Pakistan tried to capture power, they were dealt with iron hand resulting in the Bangladesh war of independence.

These people, who are also the brains behind the ISI and run the intelligence agency, could sense a clear and present threat from the ‘good’ Taliban, which was making inroads in various parts of Pakistan. A common citizen of Pakistan seemed to welcome Taliban as the organization of largely Afghani men moved fast southwards and eastwards into Pakistan.

With tottering Pakistani economy and valueless political class, the administration and powerful people of Pakistan feared that the general public of Pakistan might rise in revolt under the leadership of Taliban on lines of the so-called Islamic revolution of Iran. These powerful people saw themselves being pushed out of power like Shah of Iran, and hence decided to paint Taliban as ‘bad’ people in the eyes of a common Pakistani.

With such a mandate, ISI carried out the ‘bad’ terror attacks in Pakistan and blamed it on Taliban instead of India, our experts conclude.

Taliban accepts Plant Psychology, bans haraam vegetables

Swat Valley, Pakistan. Taliban has declared that Plant Psychology, a rather disputed field of study under Plant Physiology, is compatible with its own version of Islam. After researching and vegetating investigating for decades, Taliban scholars have finally concluded that plants and vegetables have life and they react to physical and psychological stimuli i.e. plants don’t only feel pain and agony, but they can even hate you for mistreating them.

“Subhanallah! This is a tight slap on the face of infidels who have been calling us backward and enemies of modern science. Our wise men have been able to conclude what the kaafirs couldn’t even comprehend. Inshallah, now we will spread the light of our knowledge everywhere.” Taliban chief Maulana Mushroom Azahar declared from a mountain top.

But this ‘discovery’ by Taliban has caused them to issue a rather quirky command for the whole Muslim world, which has been already implemented in the swat valley. Taliban scholars have concluded that since plants and vegetables are as good as animals now, halaal or the prescribed method of slaughtering, will apply to plants and vegetables too.

“With this new information bestowed upon us by Allah, it’s beyond doubt that chopping or cutting of vegetables is as good as slaughtering of an animal and hence the current style of vegetable cutting is haraam. Muslims all over the world are indulging in this sin unknowingly, but now that we have shown them the true path they must reform themselves or will have to face the wrath of Allah.” Mushroom Azahar warned the gathering and asked his supporters to behead anyone chopping vegetables in jhatka style i.e. cutting the vegetables into split pieces in quick succession.

This new command is reportedly causing a lot of inconvenience to local population, especially to the housewives, who now have to spend almost the whole day preparing food. Women have to first swipe vegetables with a sharp knife without splitting it into two or more pieces, and then wait till the moisture or natural juice of the vegetables have dried up considerably before cutting them into separate and smaller pieces. Women have been unable to do anything else other than cooking food since the command has been implemented in the valley.

Restaurants in the region too have been seeing huge backlog as they have been unable to meet demand for vegetables from people. Such developments have caused everyone in the area to spend more time on food preparation and consumption, but not many are complaining.

“After they banned playing football, watching television, and going to school, we had a lot of free time and we didn’t know what to do. Now all of us are busy cutting and chopping vegetables. I guess they have done a nice job.” Assif Zardari, a local resident told our reporter.

Osama’s underwear auctioned for millions

Swat Valley, Pakistan. A Pakistani billionaire has bought underwear of Osama Bin Laden, regarded as a social reformer in this part of the world, for a staggering 7.86 million US dollars. The underwear, which went under the hammer in the wee hours of Friday, was the last one worn by Osama before he realized that underwears were unislamic in nature. Osama had burnt all his previous underwears but decided to auction the last one, apparently to raise funds for operations to support a global jehad.

Hamid Gul, the Pakistani billionaire who bought the underwear, has declared that he will publicly burn the famed underwear along with Indian, Israeli, American, Russian, Filipino, Australian, British, Danish and Dutch national flags to show solidarity with innocent Muslims being persecuted in various parts of the world. He has offered Indian television channels a chance to buy exclusive broadcast rights to telecast live burning of the underwear.

“I want to send a strong signal to the anti-Islamic people that Muslims would no longer take any more shit from them. Modern underwear is a western conspiracy to tighten the noose around the generative powers of the Islamic race. They wanted to scuttle Muslim population growth. Thankfully Osamabhai could see through their evil intentions and opened our eyes.” Hamid Gul told Faking News.

Sources confirm that Osama might ask local Mullahs to issue a fatwa declaring modern underwears as impure and unislamic practice. Sources further confirm that Osama has already stopped wearing any underwear and has ordered his scholars to find out the Arabic and Islamic equivalent of an underwear, which he should wear beneath his white Arabic robe. A mass bombing of all underwears, whether with or withough human bodies, might take place in Swat valley in coming days.

A sizeable part of the Pakistani media has criticized Hamid Gul for spending such a big amount of money for buying a stuff that he ultimately intends to burn. Various commentators expressed shock and dismay at the development, suggesting that such a substantial amount of money could have been alternatively spent to improve tottering economic condition of Pakistan.

Some experts also believe that the auction was just a hogwash, and the real motive of the event was to provide monetary support to Taliban and other forces active in Swat valley in wake of the global financial crisis. A few of such commentators suspect the Pakistani establishment to have provided money, got from USA as economic aid, to Hamid Gul.

Bu such commentators have come under fire for their ‘unreasonable’ and ‘irrational’ comments. Many religious and political leaders have demanded that the underwear auction should not be unnecessary linked with ‘imaginary’ issues like terrorism and economy. They have suggested addressing the real and the vital issue instead – whether it is indeed unislamic to wear a modern underwear.

Call identification courses to be introduced in Pakistan

Lahore. The terrorist attack on the Sri Lankan cricket team has exposed various vulnerabilities of the Pakistani establishment and police. One of the critical and dangerous shortcomings identified among the Pakistani establishment has been an inability to detect hoax calls. It’s believed that right from the President Asif Ali Zardari to a city policeman of Lahore is suffering from this shortcoming.

It should be recalled that Pakistani President Zardari had allegedly received a threatening phone call after Mumbai terror attacks. The hoax caller had identified himself as India’s foreign minister Pranab Mukherjee. Pakistan was put on a high alert following the hoax call and people all over the world feared that India and Pakistan could enter into a nuclear war. Fortunately nothing untoward happened.

But things turned out to be rather unfortunate this Tuesday when a hoax call led the Lahore police to change the route of the bus ferrying the cricket team of Sri Lanka. Police didn’t ascertain the veracity or the identity of the caller and changed the route, which caused the bus to be ambushed by terrorists, leading to death of security persons and injuries to Sri Lankan cricketers.

Now Pakistani authorities have realized that the inability to analyze anonymous and hoax calls have started to prove fatal to them, and hence they have decided to make each person of Pakistani establishment to go through a course on telephone call identification. A team of trainers from USA, hailing from AT&T Bell Laboratories, are expected to reach Pakistan later this month to start the training and development modules.

India concerned over attempts to appease terrorists of Sri Lanka

New Delhi. India's ministry of external affairs is learnt to have rented all conference halls in New Delhi for an indefinite period. Indian diplomats from all capitals are being summoned for multiple conferences. The main agenda will be to deliberate on Asia's longest-running civil war in Sri Lanka, which may be nearing its end.

It was a curt statement by Robert Wood, acting spokesman of the US State Department, demanding “immediate end to the hostilities” that triggered the frenzy of diplomatic activity. The stern statement by US comes close on the heels of the European Union’s endorsement of the latest cease fire offer from Liberation Tigers of Tamil Eelam.

The offer from the designated terrorist organisation – the only one in the world possessing its own fledgling Air Force – followed a daring suicide attack on Colombo. 'Black Air Tigers', wearing cyanide-capsule pendants, flew the full length of Sri Lanka to expose its vulnerability before crashing two planes in the capital.

When asked for his comments, Foreign Minister Pranab Mukherjee said, “There should be no compromise with terrorist organisations like the Taliban. Islamabad's deal with Taliban is a matter of concern.” When reminded that it was Northern Sri Lanka that was under the discussion and not the Swat Valley, the minister retorted, “What difference does it make? Moreover, I am Finance Minister again after a long gap of 25 years and have to concentrate on economy (of words).”

Mr. Mukherjee informed that India will provide radars and technicians to Sri Lankan Air Force to crush the terrorists. Foreign Secretary Shiv Shankar Menon explained the rationale behind the step as being a part of India’s foreign policy, which always favored establishments over rebels, and favored crushing any rebellion with force.

He cited the example of the strong backing India gave till the last moment to King Gyanendra’s regime in Kathmandu, which the Maoists led by Prachanda ousted last year. Same was the case with Kabul in 1996, he said. President Najibullah had the full fledged support of New Delhi till the moment he was hanged in a street corner. His wife and three daughters were even provided asylum.

New Delhi has promised to Colombo the same type of support. On the face of it, the Sri Lankan government has been maintaining that the rebellion has been “almost finished”. President Rajapakse has even planned to open concentration camps for the 2 lakh Tamils. They have been herded, through aerial bombing and heavy artillery, into a small corner and are awaiting final assault. But LTTE has declared that they will keep fighting for Tamils.

The EU has stressed that the conflict could not be resolved by military means, adding that the military defeat of LTTE may lead to an uncontrollable humanitarian crisis. That may lead to non-conventional strikes from air and sea that may be even more deadly than Mumbai terror attacks. But India begs to differ. Pranab Mukherjee has assured Sri Lanka on being provided intelligence inputs to deal with such eventualities as India has now become an expert in receiving such attacks. Mukherjee insisted that LTTE must lay down their arms.

New Delhi feels LTTE is not justified in completely ignoring the emerging superpower in the neighbourhood and instead addressing its offer to countries like US, EU, Japan and Norway, with a copy of it to Reuters. An MEA spokesperson regretted that not a single neighbor of India was mature enough to appreciate its foreign policy based on Nehru doctrine.

To deal with this lack of maturity among the neighbors, the government was organizing multiple conferences. After the series of workshops and briefings next month, IFS honchos will return to their embassies and mount a campaign to educate the respective governments on how to deal with rebels and unfriendly minorities.

(This special news report has been brought to you by chhuchhundarbaba)

Al Qaida threatens India for celebrating Valentine’s Day

FATA/farta, Pakistan. Al Qaida has released a video where its commander Mustafa Ahmed Muhammad Uthman Abu al-Yazid has threatened India against carrying out Valentine’s Day celebrations. Abu Yazid has cautioned that his supporters would stuff the teddy bears and heart shaped balloons with hand grenades so that the Hindu infidels were killed if they tried to indulge in any abominable activity on V-Day.

The video, believed to be shot by a Sony digital camera, showed Abu Yazid, believed to be dead by Pakistani army, wearing a Sheikh like dress, believed to be designed by one of the beheaded dress designers, issuing out a warning, believed to be targeted against liberal and secular Hindus of India. The video was sent to television channels of India, believed to be showing news.

“Indians go to pubs to drink and act obscenely. Such things are causing Pakistani youths to copy them and are destroying our culture. We would never ever allow it to happen. Death to infidels.” Abu Yazid is believed to have told in Arabic, which was dubbed into Urdu in the video.

Faking News could contact an Al Qaida representative who confirmed the message contained in the video. When asked if Al Qaida was toeing the same line on Valentine’s Day as the Sri Ram Sene (SRS) of India, the representative vehemently denied the allegations. He accused SRS of being agents of USA and the western world.

“Due to economic recession, this Valentine’s Day was going to see minimal spending on cards, pubs, multiplexes, etc. The American companies running these establishments were worried and hence they created SRS to bring back V-Day into fashion. You stupid Indians felt for the trap and are now so eager to celebrate the day, but we won’t allow this conspiracy by the Americans to succeed.” the representative told us.

The government of India has taken the threat by Al Qaida very seriously and blamed Pakistan for creating troubles in India. Home Minister P Chidambaram has assured that government will provide security on Valentine’s Day and may even declare it a national holiday.

Obama takes oath as President, unemployment rises

Washington DC, USA. US president-elect Barack Obama is finally no-longer president-elect. Phew! The Democrat don finally took oath as the first apparently black president of United States of America on Tuesday. And as soon as he took the oath, he faced his first challenge – unemployment rate grew to alarming levels.

“The President has got a lot of hard work to do. The financial crisis and employment scenario in the country is already disquieting, and now his presidency has pushed up the unemployment rates even higher.” Joe Ridden, a resident of Washington told.

The latest rise in unemployment rate has been triggered by the hitherto president George W Bush and his team losing their jobs. While his team members are hopeful of getting a job in some sector, experts are not so hopeful about the employment prospects of Bush junior.

“Obama might pull out troops from Iraq and that could mean companies owned by Bush family might go out of business. That would end all hopes for employment for Junior Bush.” Michael Poor, an expert, told Faking News.

Apart from Bush and his team, many comedians, satirists, cartoonists, photoshoppers, youtubers, journalists, interpreters, English teachers, and some CIA officials have also lost jobs and the numbers are expected to swell in coming days, pushing the unemployment rate even higher.

While Obama’s rise to presidency proved to be a bane for the USA in terms of employment scenario, it proved to be a boon for India. Many Indians became employed as office holders of a new organization called OFC – Obama Fan Club. These office holders were given proper coverage by Indian news channels but Faking News decided to give them a pass.

Meanwhile Obama’s rise to presidency was welcomed all over the world by various governments and groups. Indian Prime Minister Manmohan Singh sent forty-four SMSs to the president congratulating him on the feat. When asked whether the Prime Minister went overboard in congratulating, the PMO clarified that the number of SMSs signified the chronological rank of Obama amongst all the American presidents.

Opposition BJP also congratulated Obama for taking oath on Tuesday, the day for worshipping Lord Hanuman. But the party cautioned Obama against regular reaffirmation of his Christian beliefs in public life. BJP prime ministerial candidate L K Advani congratulated Obama by sending him an e-mail and RSS feeds of his blog.

Uttar Pradesh Chief Minister Kumari Behen Mayawati declared that she will congratulate Obama once she became the Prime Minister of India. But her state wore festive looks as opposition Samajwadi Party celebrated the day as Vijay Diwas, claiming Obama as an OBC (Obama Barack Chicagowala). Party leader Amar Singh showed some pictures of himself with Obama family to the journalists.

In neighboring Pakistan, President Zardari called up Michelle Obama, the new first lady of Pakistan, and congratulated her by talking for over one hour. Zardari promised to become bring the dog Obama’s daughters wanted, when he toured USA next.

Congratulatory messages were sent by leaders and people from elsewhere in the world too. In Iraq, people threw shoes up in the sky to express their happiness on the occasion.

Airbus crash in New York sinks US-Venezuela relations

New York, USA. Former USAF fighter pilot Capt Chesley Sullenberger who ditched an Airbus A320 in the Hudson River off Manhattan may have been offered the keys to New York. But, his "masterful landing' to avert a huge tragedy has fuelled a lot of controversy in the media. Even as he was praised by Mayor Michael Bloomberg for his heroism, he may have unwittingly triggered a disastrous war in the American continent.

First reports indicated that minutes after the US Airways plane with 155 on board took off, a flock of geese came in the flight path knocking off both engines. Sullenberger decided to exploit his wartime expertise and go for a risky maneuver and pulled it off excellently. Although the plane was a wreck, there were no human victims.

However, the geese involved in the suicide attack predictably became martyrs. Where these geese hailed from has become a billion dollar question now.

United States Secretary of State Condoleezza Rice started her sabre-rattling soon after the media flashed images of the plane crashing into the frozen river. She squarely blamed Venezuela for the tragedy, ruling out the probability of the jihadis being home-grown or belonging to other unfriendly neighbors. She demanded that the masterminds controlling geese from Venezuela be caught and handed over to US to face justice.

President Bush, who will have been mercifully faded into oblivion next month, broke his silence after keeping quiet for hours. He appealed to all governments to rein in Venezuela, which along with Cuba, was destabilizing the whole world.

Venezuelan President Hugo Rafael Chávez in turn accused the US of attempting to sabotage his vision of Latin American integration. He promptly condemned the war-mongering by US and dispatched his deputy Ramón Carrizales to garner international support against the bullying neighbor. Soon, dignitaries from major superpowers like Cuba, Iran, Spain and India came calling to both Washington and Caracas.

Major newspapers including the New York Times and Washington Post as well as the TV channels including CNN and Fox endorsed Rice’s contention that the geese must have received nourishment in Venezuela. They were aghast at the state of denial by Venezuela, whose President, they consider, is the gravest threat to democracy in Latin America. They projected the statement of India’s Defense Minister AK Anthony - “I don't want to jump to any conclusions myself on this, but I do think that this is a time for complete, absolute, total transparency and cooperation” – as victory for US diplomacy.

The State Department demanded that all the lakes in Venezuela must be drained and filled with solid waste to make them inhabitable for the geese - or maybe seagulls or eagles or vultures. After all, bureaucrats were convinced that the lakes were obviously acting as breeding grounds of the birds. They faced vociferous disapproval from activists in both countries, who countered that the real problems of the birds must be addressed for suicide attacks to end.

After US went on a diplomatic offensive and appealed to responsible international leaders to defuse tensions, foreign minister Yang Jiechi of China held telephone conversations with his US and Venezuelan counterparts. Yang said that China was willing to work both the belligerents and the rest of the international community to jointly safeguard airspace in the American continent. However, US analysts sniffed Beijing’s sinister designs and politely turned ignored the offer.

The news channel 'Till this Instant!' meanwhile mounted its own investigation into the authenticity of Capt Sullenberger's "double bird strike." It presented several airline pilots in its show to bolster the suspicions. Most of them discounted the possibility of an Airbus encountering birds in the flight path at La Guardia airport, though it is not rare in JFK airport. The last crash of an Airbus A300 of American Airlines shortly after takeoff, killing all 260 on board in November 2001, they recalled, was at JFK.

Chavez meantime pointed out that both the engines of the plane had gone missing. He said that according to Venezuelan law, that crucial piece of evidence must be probed before implicating ducks and geese of his country. He said the ‘information’ by US must not be confused with ‘evidence’ and the country was not obliged to extradite any bird caught in its soil or sky.

The ‘aggressive diplomacy’ of US suffered a big jolt when King Juan Carlos I of Spain considered it as his moral burden to save the Latin countries from war. After all, both had once been colonies of the Spanish empire. The US optimism rested on the fact that the King had publicly chided Chavez in the Ibero-American summit and asked him to shut up.

The setback forced Rice to take a U turn. After all the tough talking, US gave up its insistence that Venezuela hand over all accused birds involved in the attempted carnage at New York. Rice said to 'Till this Instant!', “There should at least be a fair trial of these accused in that country. It should not be a mock trial. It should be transparent and demonstrated.”

This ‘volte face’ gave a fresh handle to the opposition Republicans. “Democrats have betrayed the nation by changing the stance against Venezuela and agreeing to have trials of conspirators and handlers of suicide birds,” said McCain who had hoped against all odds to lead his country. This unleashed a surge of national rage.

Taken aback by groundswell of support to the political hawks, Rice took a U turn yet again. “There is no question of that or climb-down,” she told other reporters – “We have never given up our original demand. There are many international instruments that make the position quite clear and there is no question of dilution in position.”

Ordinary mortals struggled to make out what Condi meant by this statement, except that the repeated U turns only amounted to running in circles. However, people in the know recall that Rice was on a whistle stop visit to South Asia in December in the wake of belligerent noises from the region. She had been presented with a designer goggles at New Delhi, celebrity-endorsed by the country’s foreign minister. The fashion-conscious American had taken a fancy to it and was spotted wearing it on a few occasions.

(This exclusive scoop has been brought to you by chhuchhundarbaba)

India blocks porn site access to Pakistan

New Delhi. In a bid to increase pressure on Pakistan to act against the terrorists, Indian government announced today that all Indian sex and porn sites would be blocked for Pakistani net users. India has also asked the world community, especially USA, to block all pornographic websites currently accessible by Pakistani citizens and government officials.

“Our intelligence sources have informed us that Pakistani citizens and government officials regularly visit many Indian websites containing mobile phone porn clips, erotic stories, 'masala' videos and mujra videos. We have decided to block their access to such sites.” Home Minister P Chidambaram told in a packed press conference.

Ministry sources informed Faking News that India has sent a strong signal to Pakistan by blocking these ‘hard’ porn sites so that Pakistan is reminded that India is not a ‘soft’ state. Meanwhile India has reiterated that all options were still open and Pakistan should not see this as the final solution.

People in Pakistan had mixed reactions to this step by the Indian government. Common man on the street believed that Pakistani hackers would be able to bring back access to these sites and the evil designs of the enemy would fail. There were no common women on the street so their reaction could not be obtained.

But there was surely some immediate effect of Indian decision as porn sites of Pakistan reported thousand times increased traffic to their websites. This particular YouTube video clip showing Pakistani Prime Minister Yousuf Raza Gilani also witnessed increased hits and viewership. Gilani’s supporters have claimed it to be an Indian conspiracy to defame the Pakistani establishment.

Back home Indian porn website owners have decried the government decision as it has caused their revenues to nosedive. A delegation of such website owners will meet Minister for Company Affairs Mr. P C Gupta to demand a rescue package from the government.

Sri Lanka’s army Commander Fonseka quits, to coach India’s military team

New Delhi.In what is nothing less than a coup, Prime Minister Manmohan Singh, has added another feather to his cap. He has successfully wooed Sri Lankan Army Commander Lt Gen Sarath Fonseka, in great form currently after being instrumental in the country’s greatest victory, to put in his papers. The Lt General will take up coaching of Indian service personnel.

Singh was ably assisted by veteran Maharashtra politician Sharad Pawar, to add this breakthrough to his impressive record. Under their leadership, India got recognized by the US and its own Parliament as a nuclear-armed superpower and had also launched a probe, painted with Indian tricolour, which crashed on the moon’s surface.

For Sharad Pawar, this is as important as scoring a sixer during a lean patch. The former Maharashtra chief minister currently holds low profile, albeit ‘lucrative’, cabinet posts in the UPA government. But, he has delegated the job of doing deals at North and South Block as well as Mumbai to second-rung leadership. He is personally busy in the sports arena, negotiating big time deals in international capitals.

Pawar blended his past experience of playing high profile politics as President of Board of Control for Cricket in India (BCCI) and as Vice President of International Cricket Council (ICC) with the expertise he acquired as Union defense minister to clinch the deal.

The wily negotiator was in a jubilant mood when he contacted Faking News special correspondent Chhuchhundarbaba over his satellite phone as soon as Lt Gen Fonseka agreed to coach the Indian military team. “It hardly took me a couple of minutes to wrap up a deal he couldn’t refuse,” Pawar said and added, “Fresh from his victorious action in the fields of Eelam against the formidable LTTE team, the General should be able to inject the much needed confidence in our Service chiefs.”

The chief of Nationalist Congress Party is himself very well known for his own brilliant war strategies. He gave a very tough time to Congress bosses in the past on the issue of making the widow of a dummy scion of the Nehru dynasty as the country’s captain. Although he had to accept defeat and bow of the party, the tight leash he has kept the Congress bosses in, even from outside, bears testimony his acumen and calibre.

Sharad Pawar was particularly happy to get the services of the Army commander, reputed to be as ruthless in dealing with civilians when crushing guerrilla warfare as the good old Japanese and Nazis. He compared the logistics and financial assistance provided by New Delhi to Colombo to crush the LTTE movement to the monstrous budgets in fighting separatism in Kashmir. He hoped that Lt Gen Fonseka would transform the Indian soldiers into formidable military machines by draining all concern for human rights when fighting a war.

Pawar would not disclose the sum agreed for procuring the services of the victorious Commander. “Big guns working against me within the government could not make me disclose details of the $500-plus million stamp paper scam, even after kingpin Abdul Karim Telgi sang during narco-test. Don’t expect a Maratha of such integrity to indulge in loose-talk,” he admonished this reporter.

The former defence minister said that the people of Tamil Nadu may be willing provide a safe haven to the Tamils of Eelam in Sri Lanka; after all, their relations with New Delhi are just six decades old, compared to centuries old bonds with Tamils elsewhere. The LTTE may renew their offensive against Colombo and can get funds from Eelam refugees settled in countries like Norway, Canada, US, UK and Switzerland.

He cautioned, “New Delhi will have to be prepared to one day do in TN what Colombo did in Eelam. We cannot expect internal security to work in that eventuality. Coaching by the Sri Lankan hero of defence personnel, at whatever expense, is needed.” Pawar was apparently taking a dig at the new home minister Chidambaram, who recently usurped the job of his patron Shivraj Patil, following the Mumbai massacre.”

(This exclusive scoop has been brought to you by chhuchhundarbaba)

Israel denies bombing Palestine

Tel Aviv, Israel. Israeli Prime Minister Ehud Olmert has denied that his country hit Palestinian territory of Gaza Strip with missiles, which killed over 400 people since last Saturday. Mr. Olmert told that Palestinian government has not come up with any concrete proof till date that could prove that the missiles were fired by Israel.

“Israel is ready to cooperate and ensure well being of our Philistini brothers but Palestinian authorities are behaving in a belligerent manner. They are accusing Israel of firing missiles without providing any proof to support their claim.” Mr. Olmert told in a press conference.

Earlier Israel had accepted that some ‘non-state actors’ might have been involved in firing missiles on Gaza Strip, but now Israeli authorities are completely denying any involvement at all.

“Our intelligence agencies have informed us that none of the missiles were fired by Israeli citizens and not even an inch of Israeli soil was used to fire the missiles. The missiles falling on Gaza Strip are actually Boomerang Missiles, which were bought by Hamas from their Arab friends.” Mr. Olmert further informed.

Israel now suspects that Hamas militants might try to barge into Israeli territory and launch the Boomerang Missiles from within the Israeli borders so that missiles would eventually kill Israeli citizens. The Israeli prime minister warned Hamas of any such misadventure as it would result in a full scale war.

Pakistan arrests Indian parrot for spying

Karachi, Pakistan. As a further concrete proof of India engineering terrorist and illegal activities in Pakistan, Pakistani officials arrested an Indian parrot on charges of spying. The parrot, who has been living in Pakistan for almost three years now, was reportedly repeating some code words of Pakistani army when the alert officials apprehended him.

“This spy parrot has been living under the name of Mitthu Miyaan, but his real name is Sugga Shukla and his home is the Indian city of Kolkata. He was trying to pass critical information related to our armed forces to his Indian bosses.” Pakistani general and the Chief of Army Staff Ashfaq Parvez Kayani told media persons.

Kayani also informed that the same parrot has been working as a mimicry artist in Indian embassy in London three years back and had a dubious record of remembering secret words and repeating them. Kayani parried the question on how could the parrot gain an entry to secret and strategic army meetings, where he learnt the code words.

Meanwhile a bird seller of Faridkot in Multan province claimed that the arrested parrot was his and was forcibly taken away by Pakistani forces, who didn’t even pay him the price for the parrot.

“Mitthu is mine and I had trained him to repeat some words from my son’s textbooks. I don’t know what is this talk about secret codes, they must be in those books. Whatever are the reasons, but I should at least have been paid the price of Mitthu which would have earned me at least 700 rupees.” Azmal Gulab, the birdseller told Geo TV, a leading Pakistani news channel.

Pakistani officials refused to comment on this aspect and they told that they would meet Azmal Gulab and clear his misconceptions forever. They also informed that the arrested parrot would be paraded before visiting CIA and FBI officials and the international community would be asked to put pressure on India to close its terror hubs against Pakistan.

Michael Jackson appointed ambassador to Pakistan

Washington D.C., USA. US president elect Barack Obama has announced that musician and illusionist Michael Jackson, fondlingly addressed as MJ, will be the new American ambassador to Pakistan. MJ will take oath of office on someday in January, becoming the first ever seemingly Muslim US ambassador to Pakistan.

US has changed the ambassador at a time when tension between India and Pakistan are running high and both the countries are almost on the verge of an armed conflict. The move has baffled political pundits and at the same time given rise to many conspiracy theories.

Mr. P J Antulay, ex chief of ISI, is the first person to come out openly and oppose Michael Jackson’s appointment. Mr. Antulay suspects that MJ has been sent by the American infidels to corrupt and defile Pakistani children.

“Whether he has turned a Muslim is still unproven, but he is a proven child molester. American intelligence agencies have been talking about fundamentalist indoctrination among Pakistani children and he comes here to terrorize our children.” Mr. Antulay told Faking News Karachi correspondent Chaand Nawaab.

But not many agree with the above view. A section of Pakistani media claimed that the current US ambassador to Pakistan, Ms. Anne Patterson, had complained against the habit of Pakistani president Asif Ali Zardari sending her flowers and flirtatious SMS each Tuesday. She asked Washington to either replace herself or the president.

When Washington contacted Zardari’s office to seek clarification on harassment charges, they were asked to produce tangible proofs of Zardari’s involvement. Taking a cue, the US government decided to change their own ambassador instead, the media reports suggest. Apparently one Pakistani news channel possesses a hidden camera recording of Zardari buying flowers for Patterson.

Some people also suspected that USA is sending MJ to die his natural death in Pakistan and then would blame it on biological weapons that Pakistan would be accused of possessing. USA would then attack Pakistan on pretext of destroying the weapons, the conspiracy theory maintained.

Meanwhile neighboring India has welcomed the move to make Michael Jackson an ambassador of Pakistan and hoped that MJ will heal this part of the world. Indian Prime Minister Manmohan Singh sent an email to MJ congratulating him. But a right wing political party Shiv Sena has opposed the move calling it a conspiracy against Hindus.

“That kabhi-black-kabhi-white Jackson has earned crores of rupees when we hosted his show in Mumbai in 1997. He used that money to change his religion and now he is going to Pakistan to tell them how to attack Mumbai. Hindus of India won’t tolerate it.” Shiv Sena’s mouthpiece Saamna wrote.

Lehman Brothers are Time Person of the Year

New York, USA. Time magazine has announced Lehman Brothers as the Person of the Year in 2008 after the legendary investment bank, founded by the brothers, signaled the beginning of the global financial crisis. For the first time since the title began in 1927, Time Person of the Year has been given to a group of brothers.

Time Person of the Year is covered on the front page of the magazine’s special edition and is given to a man, woman, couple, group, idea, place, or machine that "for better or for worse, has done the most to influence the events of the year.”

It seems Lehman Brothers were categorized as either a group or an idea. Some people also suspect that they were categorized as a couple, as the cover page shows only two of the three brothers, but Faking News doesn’t subscribe to such views. Time magazine didn’t elaborate upon the categories.

In a closely contested race this year, Lehman Brothers edged ahead of other finalists, who included US president elect Barack Obama, Pakistani president Asif Ali Zardari, future US presidential hopeful Sarah Palin, Iraqi shoe-throwing journalist Zaidi, the common terrorized Indian, and the common American housing loan defaulter, the favorite of many to win the title.

Despite repeated requests by Faking News, it seems Indians didn’t vote for the common terrorized Indian, as it was the first finalist to fall out of the race. The Iraqi journalists was racing ahead but was declared ineligible by Time editorial group, causing protests from various quarters. The protests finally ended when Time editors promised to include Zaidi for next year’s title if he survives the criminal case.

The rest of the finalists i.e. Lehman Brothers, Obama, Palin, Zardari and the American defaulter were running neck to neck until supporters of Zardari started flirting with those of Palin. The volume of voting in favor of the two leaders came down drastically while volumes of comments went up. This shift in supporter behavior caused both of them to fall out of the race.

In the final round, Lehman Brothers had tough competition from American housing loan defaulter and US president elect Barack Obama, but a huge surge in international votes, i.e. non-American votes, helped the Lehman Brothers to win the Time Person of the Year title.

Pakistan argues for terrorism to fight recession

Islamabad, Pakistan. After shocking the world by accepting terrorism charges, Pakistan has now argued that terrorism could be a very potent tool to fight the international financial crisis. Pakistan has appealed to the international community, especially India, to support it on the issue of breeding terrorism, which can help the countries ward off threats of economic slowdown.

“Due to grave threats of terrorism, people are not sure if they would be alive on coming days to enjoy their lives. Such a fear causes them to spend heavily on their present day, which helps raise the domestic consumption levels and increases liquidity in markets. Such a scenario surely helps terrorism affected countries to be well guarded against threats of economic slowdown.” Finance Minister of Pakistan Shaukat Tarin explained.

Talking exclusively to Faking News, Mr. Tarin further argued that had USA allowed terrorist activities on its soil after 9/11, they would have been better placed to face the present financial crisis.

“The failure of investment banks would not have impacted the psychology of a common American voter if he was shit scared about his life being taken away by a terrorist any moment. I think it was a blunder by Bush administration to ensure unassailable homeland security.” Mr. Tarin opined.

Mr. Tarin was all praise for his neighbor India, which has an abysmal record in homeland security. He argued that this was the singular reason why India was still by and large unaffected by the global economic slowdown. He further claimed that this was also the reason why various incumbent governments were winning elections in India, unlike the defeat of Bush administration in USA.

“Clearly terrorism has benefitted India and the various political parties of India. Therefore I fail to understand why India is hell bent upon Pakistan eliminating the terrorist camps. If those camps go away, India will start facing a lot of domestic problems, I hope Indian government realizes it and starts behaving maturely and prudently.” Shaukat Tarin told Faking News.

Faking News tried to get an Indian viewpoint on the whole issue of terrorism as a tool to fight recession, but Indian diplomats and bureaucrats were too busy to voice an opinion.