Saturday, February 28, 2009

Exclusive interview with Masakali of Delhi-6

MasakaliOld Delhi. While every news channel was busy interviewing Abhishek Bachchan and Sonam Kapoor for the recently released movie Delhi-6, Faking News decided to interview the real artist of the movie – Masakali, the pigeon. The marketing managers of Delhi-6 had approached us to carry out interviews of Abhishek or Sonam, but we decided otherwise. This is the second time we are foregoing humans to interview a pigeon, as we truly believe in bird rights.

We caught up with Masakali when she was having golgappa and chaat in Chandni Chowk (now known as Delhi-6). Initially she refused to talk to us as she was very upset and unhappy with the amount of chili powder used by the chaatwala, but after persistent requests Masakali agreed for an exclusive interview. Following are the highlights of the interview:

Faking News (FN): Thanks a lot Miss Masakali for talking to us. The movie has received good reception on box-office, are you happy?

Miss Masakali (MM): Yes, I’m happy. The movie’s success is a message for producers and directors to cast more birds and animals. Remember, apart from me, kaala bandar or the Monkeyman is also there in this movie. People want to see more variety and new faces now.

FN: Yes, true, all pigeons must be very happy too. You can as well launch a party of pigeons and contest the coming general elections like actors in South India! he he he (our reporter tried to act smart ass).

MM: First of all, I’m not a pigeon, I’m a dove (Masakali showed how smart our reporter actually was) and I have no plans to become a politician. I’m just too white for this gray job, which is best rested with humans. Even the pigeons don’t like politics, they are notorious for dropping bird-crap on statutes of politicians, so I guess politics is out of question. Thanks for the appreciation though.

FN: Did you have to prepare especially for this role or it came naturally to you?

MM: I was playing a dove, so it came naturally to me. But this shouldn’t typecast me. I can play all kinds of roles given a chance. In fact just yesterday I got an offer by Farah Khan to play a romantic lead opposite Shahrukh in her next movie where SRK dies and is reborn as a pigeon in his next life.

FN: Wow! So are you signing that movie?

MM: I am yet to take a decision, but I want do films that could win Oscars. I hope Danny Boyle takes notice of me as he likes to make movies on Indian birds and animals. I heard that his movie on slumdogs of India has won him many awards.

FN: All the best for that, you definitely would get noticed as the most popular song of the movie is dedicated to you. Last time when a dove was cast in a movie (Maine Pyar Kiya) they had referred to her as Kabootar, but not this time. But tell us, why do directors always cast doves instead of pigeons?

MM: Although you should ask this question to the producers and directors, I’d try to give you an answer. As I see it, there could be only two reasons – firstly, pigeons crap too much. Can you imagine Sonam putting a pigeon on her head while dancing? She could have got a bird-dropping anytime over her face or hairs, doves don’t crap that often. Secondly, and I guess more importantly, doves are preferred over pigeons because we are fairer in skin color. We are white and they are brown. Indians are known to prefer white complexion over brown.

FN: Do you think there should be a quota for pigeons in Bollywood?

MM: Oh no! I hope humans don’t thrust their sense of fairness and equity over we pigeons. I now dread that your politicians would make the brown pigeons hate us white doves, and make them feel as if the doves were taking away their rights of acting, when in reality it’s the humans who are perpetrators of this discrimination. I would be more than happy if brown pigeons are cast in the movies, but I don’t think quota is the way. Humans have to change their mindset.

FN: Delhi-6 touches upon problems of communalism, casteism, social harmony, and other aspects, but it doesn’t talk about bird rights. Do you think Rakeysh could have done a better job?

MM: sigh! Okay, I will ask Rakeysh to make a movie on this theme next time. Till then, can you please enjoy and critique this movie for what it is, and not for what it is not?

FN: Do you have a boyfriend?

MM: Do you have a life? (flutters her wings furiously) dude, I don’t appreciate such personal questions. Maybe I have not grown into a true celebrity. Perhaps to answer your questions, I need to become more popular and attend some MTV shows or take part in Big Boss 3. So excuse me with such silly questions for now.

FN: You are very short-tempered. Were you so since your egghood?

MM: (laughs) Sorry for appearing so, but my aunty says that I should show some tantrums when talking to media persons. She says it will help me in the long run.

FN: One last question, when do you think the economic slowdown in India will end?

MM: I wonder why you guys (journalists) ask all right questions to wrong people. People like you make Bollywood actresses appear silly when they declare Nepal as a part of India, refer Republic day as a ‘holiday other than Independence Day’, and identify Sonia Gandhi as the ‘first lady of India’. I am not going to fall for the bait!

FN: Very smart! Okay, so the last question finally, where do you see yourself five years down the line?

MM: Hopefully as an unchanged and stronger symbol of world peace, in a world not torn by strife. Those are my only hope and pray.

Faking News: Wonderful Miss Masakali. It was indeed nice talking to you.

Miss Masakali: My pleasure!

Read the complete Report and Comment

Friday, February 27, 2009

Bangladeshi immigrants threaten to go back home

Bangla BluesMumbai. Bangladeshi nationals, allegedly staying illegally in various parts of Mumbai, have threatened to go back to their country if safety and economic conditions didn’t improve before the general elections. These immigrants are disappointed by recent terrorist activities and economic slowdown witnessed in India, and are feeling ‘cheated’.

“We came to India thinking Pakistanis can’t attack us here and we will earn more money than in Bangladesh. Now it seems Pakistanis can attack any part in India and even the money is fast vanishing. Everything is so costly now. We might have to go back to our country which seem to be doing better at this moment.” Muziburuddin Sheikh, a Bangladeshi immigrant, told Faking News.

These Bangladeshis have formed a group Bangladeshi Bachao Congregation (BBC) and are planning to meet political leaders to register their complaints and worries. BBC leaders claim that almost after three decades since they came to India, Bangladeshis have grown to a level where they can influence politics and policies of India. BBC is banking upon broad-minded and like-minded groups to back them.

BBC has found support from some leaders of Samajwadi Party and Congress, who termed their stay in India and their demands as ‘legitimate’. These leaders have assured members of BBC of better times ahead and asked them not to worry too much.

“UPA Chairperson Sonia Gandhi has already declared that petrol and diesel prices would come down further, and the country is secure after we declared new anti terror steps. These poor Bangladeshis must not worry. They are in safe hands.” Samajwadi Party leader Abu Hamza Azmi told.

But BJP and Shiv Sena have called the demands ‘outrageous’ and have pledged to defeat the nefarious designs of Bangladeshis. They have castigated Congress and Samajwadi Party for playing vote bank politics and aiding infiltration of anti-nationals into the country.

“This is ridiculous. These pests are the real reason why Pakistanis can easily attack us and why we are getting poorer. We would oppose their demands tooth and nail. They would never get a secure and prospering India so that they can breed happily.” Shiv Sena leader Sanjay Raut told Faking News, though he declined to comment if his party’s strategy was to achieve an insecure and inflationary environment to bamboozle the Bangladeshis.

Meanwhile the new government in Bangladesh, led by Sheikh Hasina, has declared that these Bangladeshis staying in India won’t be taken back as the country already had too many of them. A government official has advised BBC to go to Assam or West Bengal if they didn’t get enough support in Maharashtra, but not to even think about Bangladesh.

Read the complete Report and Comment

Thursday, February 26, 2009

Unruly protestors disrupt IIM placements

Harvard StepsAhmedabad. A bunch of protestors barged into the campus of IIM Ahmedabad during the final placements process today and caused the process to be stalled for over four hours. These people, claiming to be members of a little known outfit called Mandi Bhagao Andolan (MBA), which literally means ‘movement to oust recession’, accused IIMs of creating an unfavorable economic scenario in the country. MBA activists have threatened to disrupt the placements again at IIM Ahmedabad and other leading business schools of the country if the placements were not stopped.

“These guys are taking away all the jobs when less and less jobs are available in the market. This will cause even more unemployment and worsen recession. Any self respecting unemployed youth of this country can’t let this shameless process of job grabbing to go on unchecked. If the government doesn’t stop IIMs from committing this loot, we would set things right.” Arjun Singh Muthalik, the spokesperson of MBA, justified the disruption in a press release.

But students of IIM Ahmedabad were not very impressed by this show of strength. They have filed a case in the local police station and asked for protection for the remaining days of the placement process, which gets over within a week.

“Last month some people had come to our campus accusing us of causing the recession, as they thought that global investment banks collapsed due to students like us who worked there. We thought that funny and idiotic, but now this is degenerating into serious threat. We don’t feel safe anymore, even recession couldn’t scare us so much.” A second year student of IIM Ahmedabad told us on conditions of anonymity.

No arrests were made in this connection till reports last came in. In fact, representatives of 'National Commission for the Unemployed' (NCU) have asked the local authorities not to make any arrests in the case. NCU members feel that while the mode of protest by MBA members was ‘a bit naughty’, the ‘root cause’ of the problem must be addressed.

“The students of IIMs have to show compassion for other students in this country who are battling bad times. Our country believes in social justice and IIMs can be no exception to it. Also, it’s the responsibility of the IIM administration to provide security on the campus, not of police.” NCU chairperson Nirmal Venkat told Faking News.

Meanwhile a group of concerned citizens, who were outraged by this disruptive activity by MBA members, have called to send pink slips to Arjun Singh Muthalik. They have created a website to solicit pink slips from all people who were recently handed out the same by their employers.

Read the complete Report and Comment

Pug is now SlumdogMumbai. The popularity of British movie Slumdog Millionaire, widely confused to be an Indian movie by the innocent Indians, is taking shape of a craze and fad now. After the movie won 8 Academy Awards, widely known as Oscar awards, every Indian has become a fan and follower of Slumdog. Indian slum dogs, also frowned upon as stray dogs till yesterday, are getting respect and love never seen before in the Indian society.

People were seen cleaning and feeding slum dogs in many parts of the country. Many people queued up to buy or adopt these slum dogs, which inspired a few unemployed investment bankers to open a trading house for slum dogs. These bankers turned dog-sellers changed the names of most of the slum dogs into English ones before putting a price tag on them.

“I have just bought a female dog named Lassie, she is so cute even with the fleas on her left ear. My friends living in London are now jealous of me and are asking me to send them pups of Lassie, whenever they are born. I feel so important.” Sourav Roy, a resident of Colaba, told Faking News.

The movie has also given a chance to the forgotten MNS leader Raj Thackeray to come back to mainline politics. He claimed that his pet dogs James and Bond were actually slum dogs, and if he was a millionaire today, it was all due to those canine friends, and not corruption, as was the case with leaders from Bihar and Uttar Pradesh.

Raj Thackeray also advised Indian companies to start promoting slum dogs instead of foreign breeds of dogs in their marketing campaigns. His polite request, denial of which would have attracted polite protests from his supporters, was quickly accepted by Mobile telephony company Vodafone, which changed its trademark Pug with a Slumdog.

Many experts believed that Supreme Court’s decision to stay the Bombay High Court verdict allowing municipal authorities in Maharashtra to kill stray dogs was also inspired by the success of the movie. Faking News tried to contact Chief Justice to get an opinion but we were threatened with the possibility of getting sued for contempt of court, so we dropped the idea and effort.

The sudden fascination of Indians with slum dogs has also created ripples in the online world, with netizens debating the causes and effects of it. While the effects were visible everywhere in the society, the causes remained elusive. While some people maintained that Movies, along with Cricket and Politics, were the greatest influencers on the Indian psyche, some people blamed it on the slavish mentality of the Indians.

“It shouldn’t be a matter of surprise or research. Indian society is known to acknowledge the merits of anything desi (domestic) only after firangs (foreigners) have acknowledged the same. It happened with Swami Vivekanand, it happened with Mahatma Gandhi, and now it’s happening with Slumdog.” Vijay Dinanath Chauhan, a famous sociologist, commented about the trend on his blog.

Whatever be the reason, the saying “every dog has its day” has come alive with the success of Slumdog Millionaire.

Read the complete Report and Comment

Wednesday, February 25, 2009

India concerned over attempts to appease terrorists of Sri Lanka

New Delhi. India's ministry of external affairs is learnt to have rented all conference halls in New Delhi for an indefinite period. Indian diplomats from all capitals are being summoned for multiple conferences. The main agenda will be to deliberate on Asia's longest-running civil war in Sri Lanka, which may be nearing its end.

It was a curt statement by Robert Wood, acting spokesman of the US State Department, demanding “immediate end to the hostilities” that triggered the frenzy of diplomatic activity. The stern statement by US comes close on the heels of the European Union’s endorsement of the latest cease fire offer from Liberation Tigers of Tamil Eelam.

The offer from the designated terrorist organisation – the only one in the world possessing its own fledgling Air Force – followed a daring suicide attack on Colombo. 'Black Air Tigers', wearing cyanide-capsule pendants, flew the full length of Sri Lanka to expose its vulnerability before crashing two planes in the capital.

When asked for his comments, Foreign Minister Pranab Mukherjee said, “There should be no compromise with terrorist organisations like the Taliban. Islamabad's deal with Taliban is a matter of concern.” When reminded that it was Northern Sri Lanka that was under the discussion and not the Swat Valley, the minister retorted, “What difference does it make? Moreover, I am Finance Minister again after a long gap of 25 years and have to concentrate on economy (of words).”

Mr. Mukherjee informed that India will provide radars and technicians to Sri Lankan Air Force to crush the terrorists. Foreign Secretary Shiv Shankar Menon explained the rationale behind the step as being a part of India’s foreign policy, which always favored establishments over rebels, and favored crushing any rebellion with force.

He cited the example of the strong backing India gave till the last moment to King Gyanendra’s regime in Kathmandu, which the Maoists led by Prachanda ousted last year. Same was the case with Kabul in 1996, he said. President Najibullah had the full fledged support of New Delhi till the moment he was hanged in a street corner. His wife and three daughters were even provided asylum.

New Delhi has promised to Colombo the same type of support. On the face of it, the Sri Lankan government has been maintaining that the rebellion has been “almost finished”. President Rajapakse has even planned to open concentration camps for the 2 lakh Tamils. They have been herded, through aerial bombing and heavy artillery, into a small corner and are awaiting final assault. But LTTE has declared that they will keep fighting for Tamils.

The EU has stressed that the conflict could not be resolved by military means, adding that the military defeat of LTTE may lead to an uncontrollable humanitarian crisis. That may lead to non-conventional strikes from air and sea that may be even more deadly than Mumbai terror attacks. But India begs to differ. Pranab Mukherjee has assured Sri Lanka on being provided intelligence inputs to deal with such eventualities as India has now become an expert in receiving such attacks. Mukherjee insisted that LTTE must lay down their arms.

New Delhi feels LTTE is not justified in completely ignoring the emerging superpower in the neighbourhood and instead addressing its offer to countries like US, EU, Japan and Norway, with a copy of it to Reuters. An MEA spokesperson regretted that not a single neighbor of India was mature enough to appreciate its foreign policy based on Nehru doctrine.

To deal with this lack of maturity among the neighbors, the government was organizing multiple conferences. After the series of workshops and briefings next month, IFS honchos will return to their embassies and mount a campaign to educate the respective governments on how to deal with rebels and unfriendly minorities.

(This special news report has been brought to you by chhuchhundarbaba)

Read the complete Report and Comment

Saturday, February 21, 2009

Indian man puts up his integrity for sale on eBay

An Honest IndianHyderabad. A software engineer with an MBA degree from a well known institute of management of India has put up his ‘integrity’ for sale on popular e-commerce website eBay. He took this extreme step to raise money for paying back his debt that he had amassed to meet his living standards. But to his dismay, after asking for a minimum bid of 7000 US dollars, he hasn’t found any bidder for his integrity yet.

“It’s ridiculous. I had recently read that people were bidding millions of dollars to buy virginity of a girl from California. Why are there no buyers in my case? Is existence of integrity among men doubtful as compared to virginity among women? Or does this world value virginity more than integrity?” wondered Malinga Raju, the willing seller of his integrity.

This is the first case of its kind on eBay where people have tried to sell strange things to the world on earlier occasions. Raju had placed his offer under ‘Antiques’ section of the website apparently to attract higher attention and bids, but Raju differs.

“I don’t think integrity is any antiquity. I was in a hurry to post my offer and ‘Antiques’ section was on top of all categories arranged alphabetically, hence I placed my offer there. There is no manipulation and misrepresentation here.” Raju clarified.

Raju further informed that if he doesn’t get any buyers for his integrity, he would place a new offer in some other category and on other e-commerce websites. Although he hoped that after a report on Faking News, he would get some suitors. Raju’s inability to get a buyer for his integrity has also puzzled many economists.

“We have to see it from the point of view of supply and demand. A demand has to be backed by a need and purchasing power. If there is no demand for integrity today, it means that either there is no need for integrity in today’s world or integrity is seen as prohibitively priced in this case. In my personal opinion, integrity is not needed today.” noted economist Amar Singh told Faking News.

Amar Singh got very upset when our reporter asked if his statement meant that integrity was a non-existent entity and no one had any integrity in today’s world. He vehemently denied saying so, accusing our reporter of being a stooge of his economic opponents. He explained that integrity was not needed as everyone already has plenty of it; he cited his own example as a proof.

Read the complete Report and Comment

Friday, February 20, 2009

Google to launch applications for terrorists

Google BlownUpCalifornia, USA. Google Inc., the leading service provider in online domain, has announced its intentions to launch various applications for terrorists. The applications range from search engines to find possible terror targets to a social networking website exclusively for terrorists. The move is seen to exploit the trend of growing numbers of terrorists, especially tech savvy terrorists, around the world.

“Terrorism is here to stay. We might run out of doctors and pastors, but we would always find terrorists around. It has a global appeal. It’s a growing market, unless aliens or communists get back to earth.” Google co-founder Larry Page told Faking News.

One of the applications to be released has been named as “Google BlownUp”. The application allows a terrorist to draw 3-D models of target buildings and find the right places and strategy to blow them up. The application simulates the actual impact of explosives used and returns the estimated number of casualties.

Realizing that India could be the most lucrative market for its new applications, Google has added some India specific features in its applications such as quick links to Human Rights groups and 'RSS' feeds for getting latest information.

Currently Google is expecting to earn revenue through advertising through these applications. Many USA based companies dealing in arms and defense technologies have already pledged millions of dollars of advertisement to Google for terrorist applications.

Sources say that later Google can introduce higher level of services and make them available on paid basis only. Such services could include search for potential recruits among non-terrorist user base and access to various security agencies’ database. Terrorists would also be able to search for and network with political advocates and religious leaders on pay-per-use basis in future.

“This is a wonderful step by Google. Our work would become very fast and we would be able to carry on our operations much effectively once these applications are launched.” Al-Qaida’s chief marketing officer Al-Billi Mousea told us through an email.

Governments and security agencies around the world are currently tight lipped about the development and are refusing to comment.

Read the complete Report and Comment

Study locates Dawood in Mumbai

Dawood DecipheredMumbai. India's most wanted criminal, who is also the biggest enemy of the whole humankind, Dawood Ibrahim, has been located. Dawood could be hiding at a high-security site, hardly 10 km away from Nariman House, the Trident and the Taj, scenes of Mumbai mayhem in November last.

Integrated studies have revealed that the underworld don could be one of the VVIP guests at the Arthur Road prison. The solitary cells of the jail have earlier been home to dignitaries like Sanjay Dutt, Abu Salem and his moll Monica Bedi. This is in contrast to the widely held belief that Dawood has been residing in some foreign country.

The breakthrough has been achieved by a research team of the National Institute of Armchair Generals (NIAG) led by Prof L Vaiththiyanaathan. The veteran strategic affairs pundit has been in the inventing and advising profession since the time of Jawaharlal Nehru.

Vaiththiyanaathan explained that the former Prime Minister, his daughter Indira, and her son Rajiv all had a great vision for international diplomacy by India. Nehru had established NIAG with a mandate to conduct advanced research in the area. This has successfully kept the country's serving Generals, Admirals and Marshals in check.

NIAG is among the 500 odd "institutions of excellence" like IFACFI, IMTNII, CEEEiE and NDIX that are set to join entities like Vishvakarma University, Vaikundh Mahavidhyalay, Mahashakti Rin University to get Deemed University status. Faking News was, however, unable to decipher these acronyms – unlike in case of NIAG – because they have become so popular that even the founders do not remember their full form.

The NIAG research team consisted of experts in multiple specialities such as Tantrics, Astrology, Palmistry in addition to nuclear physics, space sciences etc. The findings about Dawood were based on high-tech astrological surveillance of the mars and Saturn coupled with geographical imagery and data obtained from Chandrayaan, India's very own moon of the real moon.

Earlier, this technique has been successfully used to locate ancient underground and under-sea bridges, which had eluded archeologists and geologists since millennia. Researchers used astrological charts of Dawood's relatives and enemies to discover their planetary movements and incorporated them to suggest about his whereabouts.

The study's real value, Vaiththiyanaathan says, is in combining satellite records of geographic locations, patterns of electricity use and the lifestyle of cops in the area with records of palm-prints and horoscopes for locating fugitives. Dawood's horoscope reveals that he must be enjoying 'Raja Yoga', being pampered by cops, while also showering goodies on them.

The study also makes assumptions that Ibrahim might need -

  • Sumptuous non-veg meals, requiring a posse of expert cooks.
  • Security combing a few bodyguards and isolation that requires a high-walled compound.
  • Jamming equipment to shield from outdoor surveillance through wireless.
  • Whereabouts of Dawood Ibrahim, the main accused behind most of the extortions, drug-running rackets, bomb blasts and even power-blackouts in India, are considered "one of the most important political questions of our time", the study, reported in the NIAG International Review, notes.

    (This EXCLUSIVE report has been brought to you by chhuchhundarbaba)

    Read the complete Report and Comment

    Thursday, February 19, 2009

    Shamed by MMS scandal, boy becomes a sadhu

    National PastimeNoida. An MBA student, who was tricked by his girlfriend into being filmed by a mobile phone, was shocked to see the same mobile MMS clip being circulated all over the country. The MMS showed the 23-year old student accessing porn, and squirming in exhilaration while doing it, from a computer located in the library of the business school. Shamed by this mysterious aspect of himself coming to the fore, the boy has decided to drop out of the school and become a naga sadhu.

    According to the other students of the business school, the boy and his girlfriend were rumored to be ‘going around’ with each other. In fact, many suspected them to be having intimate relationship. Our sources inform us that other boys of the school always used to ask this particular boy, whose name we are not disclosing out of respect for his privates privacy, to show them nude pictures of his girlfriend. Initially the boy resisted the idea, but later he thought it to be a 'cool' thing to do.

    Our sources further inform us that on that fateful day in the library, the boy asked his girlfriend to do a striptease for him. When the girl feigned innocence and asked what a striptease was, the boy jumped over to the nearest computer and opened his favorite porn sites to show the girl some sample stripteases. The poor guy didn’t know that the impish girl was recording all his movements in her mobile. He got carried away while accessing the porn sites and the girl made a two minute MMS, which is now being transmitted and downloaded immeasurably on the internet.

    “This is a disgraceful breach of trust. Women must not be trusted. I would never come near any woman now. I disown even my mother and sister. I am sure all the ignoble women of this world are now sending the MMS clips to each other bringing a bad name to me. And I can’t understand why people want to see the clip? What new does it have? I disown this society as well.” the boy spoke to us on conditions of anonymity after we could break into his room by threatening to publish his name and picture.

    The boy has decided to become a naga sadhu now and spend rest of his life away from porn-shooting women and the porn-watching men (according to him). Faking News is hysterically trying to contact the family of the boy and get their opinion on the whole issue, but it seems his family has decided to trick media as we could not find any one on the address mentioned in the school records.

    When we asked the local police commissioner if he had filed any case against the girl in this case, he informed us that no one had come forward till date to register any FIR. Interestingly, our sources could not tell us anything about the girl, but we have learnt that some members of Sri Ram Sene are on look out for the girl to bash her up for her immoral deed. Faking News would bring you the latest pictures whenever she is beaten.

    Read the complete Report and Comment

    Wednesday, February 18, 2009

    India gears up for Drone attack on Taliban

    The Deadly Drona

    Drona, Indian version of unmanned and automated warplanes, is set to strike Taliban camps in Swat Valley of Pakistan

    Read the complete Report and Comment

    Recession RumTokyo, Japan. Japanese Finance Minister Shoichi Nakagawa, who resigned on Tuesday over charges of attending a press conference in an inebriated state, has decided to join Vijay Mallya’s UB Group as General Manager of International Business unit. Sources say that Nakagawa could also act as a brand ambassador for the Mallya’s new soon-to-be-launched brand of rum - “Recession”.

    “Spirits should be up (when/with) markets down. Mallya is indianly (sic.) good and I take the job tomorrow. Japan up (mumbles…) I am happy for my men and women. Hic!” Nakagawa explained and announced his decision in a press conference, where he again seemed to have come after drinking heavily, though he denied being under influence of alcohol.

    UB Group Chairman Vijay Mallya too was present at the press conference wearing a Hawaiian shirt and Japanese sarong. He welcomed Nakagawa into the UB family and expressed confidence that not only the Japanese, but people all over the world would enjoy his new brand of rum.

    Recession can take you to places you can’t even imagine. Do you think Pietersen (former English cricket team captain) had imagined he’d earn so much when his own parliament was thinking how to safeguard people’s income against economic slowdown? Only UB could have done it and will continue doing it. All you need is a Recession.” Mallya raised a toast to Recession.

    Nakagawa will spearhead campaigns and strategy to push Recession down each lane of Japan, and would be assisted in this job by Mallya’s team. However some people in UB Group wants Nakagawa to first implement his strategy in India, where pub-going has suddenly become talking point, and a new brand of rum could meet this sudden rise in demand.

    Journalists present at the press conference too were offered a couple of pegs of Recession. Faking News correspondent fainted after sipping just a couple of drops of it, pushing all other journalists into unbridled bouts of laughter. The journalists praised Mallya for coming up with such a strong product in troubled times.

    “I hope all of you have now got your news-pegs now.” Mallya winked towards the end of the press conference.

    Read the complete Report and Comment

    Indian solution to Oz bushfires

    Fire in the belly

    (The image has been created and submitted by chhuchhundarbaba)

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    Tuesday, February 17, 2009

    Shahrukh’s mobile stolen, fake SMS sent to many

    It wasn't meMumbai. “dada, u r fired. go join politics, sell fish in Kolkata, or dance shirtless with Sallu. I dont need u nemore. ur last chek stands canceled. bye bye.” Former Indian cricket captain Sourav Ganguly was shocked to receive this SMS today morning, as the sender was his IPL team owner Shahrukh Khan. Dada frantically called up Knight Riders managers and SRK’s secretary, and was finally relieved to know that it was some miscreant who had stolen SRK’s mobile phone and was sending fake SMS to various contacts.

    Apart from Ganguly, Samajwadi Party leader Amar Singh also received an SMS, which claimed that SRK was willing to join his party and fight elections from Mumbai. Congress leader Rahul Gandhi received an SMS informing him that he was hot and SRK liked his dimples when he smiled, while Director Karan Johar recived an SMS with just three words – talaaq talaaq talaaq.

    SRK’s mobile was stolen when he was hospitalized for his shoulder operation at Breach Candy hospital. This security breach at the hospital has left the doctors at the hospital shocked, who were otherwise in a mood to celebrate a successful operation on the superstar’s left shoulder. The hospital authorities declined to comment on the development, but we could talk to the security man of the parking area.

    “I had told them many times to paste stickers like jebkataron se saawdhaan (beware of pickpockets) or mareez apne saamaan ki suraksha swaym karein (patients should take care of their belongings of their own), but they thought such messages are down-market. Now they’ll have to pay heavy damages to Shahrukh.” R R Patil, one of the security men employed at the hospital, told Faking News.

    But it seems Shahrukh is in good mood these days. First he easily agreed to drop the name ‘barber’ from his latest movie “Billu Barber”, and now he has categorically denied any possibility of suing the Breach Candy administration for the security lapse.

    “Their job was to operate on my shoulder and not take care of my mobile phone. Inshaallah, everything went all right. I have no complaints against them. I just appeal to the person who has stolen my mobile to not to send any SMS to Amir or Salman. If he can return it, it would be even better.” Shahrukh told.

    But SRK’s generosity hasn’t impressed his detractors who think this is just another publicity stunt by the movie star. Such people have started a community/group on orkut and facebook with the name “Shahrukh is a cheater”. Surprisingly, a lot of people have joined these groups as well.

    Meanwhile a local lawyer has announced that he’d file a defamation suit against these people for insulting SRK. He also announced filing a case against the undefined mobile thief charging him/her for impersonation, harassment, and compromise on public safety. He might also file a case for theft, if the need be.

    Read the complete Report and Comment

    Sunday, February 15, 2009

    Government bans arranged marriages

    Arranged LoveNew Delhi. Under pressure from Sri Krishna Sena (SKS) and Communist parties, the UPA government had decided to come up with a law banning the traditional arranged marriages. All marriages would be solemnized and deemed legal only when the bride and groom will sign a bond declaring that the couple had known each other for a ‘considerable time’ before the marriage, and that they were getting into this relationship after proper thinking and analysis.

    “It’s a welcome step. We had always maintained that there was no mention of an arranged marriage in Hindu traditions; either there was swayamwar where the girl chose one among various suitors or the couples used to elope to marry as per their wishes. I hope Indians will go back to their roots.” Arjun Singh, spokesperson of SKS told Faking News.

    Interestingly, SKS, believed to be a Sangh Parivaar unit, got support from Communist parties on this issue, but there was a twist. Communist parties rubbished the claim of SKS about Hindu traditions, but supported abolition of arranged marriages as they believed that this was a ‘game of chance’.

    “The couples get into such an important relationship just hoping that things would turn good. It’s such a risky chance that each Indian is being encouraged to take. Arranged marriages are a game of chance and akin to gambling, with Hindu priests being the casino owners, and that’s why we favored banning them. The state should control all marriages after making the couples sign a bond.” the communist parties jointly declared in a press release.

    But UPA has got in trouble with this announcement as some of the UPA constitute parties have expressed dissent over the decision and have decided to oppose the bill when it comes for discussion in the parliament. Lalu Yadav, one of the important leaders of UPA, was most vocal in his protest.

    Yeh paagalpan hai (this is madness), Congress is getting into the trap of communists and fascist forces. I would decide who would become my bahu or daamaad (daughter-in-law or son-in-law). If such a law is passed, it will give rights to Nitish Kumar and Advaniji to marry off my sons and daughters. I’m not going to let it happen.” Lalu Yadav warned congress of any misadventure.

    Common men had mixed reactions to the news. Some of them thought it would be just another failure like outlawing the practice of dowry, which could hardly check the dowry system. But others expressed hope that if government started controlling and scheduling marriages, it might at least solve the traffic problems on some auspicious days as government would allocate the marriage dates prudently.

    Read the complete Report and Comment

    Thursday, February 12, 2009

    The Pink Pigeon Campaign

    The Pink Pigeon Campaign

    Agra. Faking News has finally decided to join the pink war over the Mangalore pub attack, completing the trinity of campaigns. The first campaign was started by a few women, who decided to gift away their Pink Chaddis (underwear) to pub attackers, this one was rejoined by another campaign that aimed to send Pink Condoms to these women and men, and now Faking News jumps into the fray by calling people to send Pink Pigeons to everyone.

    Our campaign aims at creating peace, tolerance, and jobs in our country. By choosing pink pigeons, Faking News Intelligence Group (FNIG) has been able to find a tool to realize all three goals. Pigeons will bring peace, not able to spot a pink colored pigeon in India would be quite frustrating to you and would teach you a lot of tolerance, and the extensive labor put into finding a pink pigeon will create jobs.

    When finally you are able to find a pink colored pigeon, please send it to someone, preferably to someone who doesn’t agree with your point of view. Please get a pledge from the person to whom you would gift the pigeon that he/she won’t kill, cook and eat your gift. Also, please don’t try to color white pigeons with pink color to take part in this campaign. You must find a naturally pink pigeon if you want the other person to naturally like your gift.

    The Pink Pigeon Campaign has already become a hit with youth of India, with most of them saying that pigeons were the best way to express one’s opinion as opposed to underwear or condoms. Faking News wants to make clear that pink is not our national color, as was misinterpreted by many of our supporters due to ‘pink’ being common in all campaigns. There were other interpretations of our campaigns too.

    “Pigeons are sexy birds. They can crap on anyone’s heads and get away with it. What better way there could be to express your opinion other than this? I’m gonna get at least a dozen of pink pigeons.” Raghu Ram, one of the campaigners told us and thanked us.

    While FNIG was a bit worried that their original idea behind the campaign might get lost in differing interpretations, it was happy that the youth of India liked the campaign. FNIG has appealed to people that if they can’t find pink pigeons, they can draw pictures of ones and send them to people of their choices; this was done after it received a legal notice from Animal Rights group for violating the rights of pink pigeons of India.

    Read the complete Report and Comment

    Tuesday, February 10, 2009

    Al Qaida threatens India for celebrating Valentine’s Day

    Green DayFATA/farta, Pakistan. Al Qaida has released a video where its commander Mustafa Ahmed Muhammad Uthman Abu al-Yazid has threatened India against carrying out Valentine’s Day celebrations. Abu Yazid has cautioned that his supporters would stuff the teddy bears and heart shaped balloons with hand grenades so that the Hindu infidels were killed if they tried to indulge in any abominable activity on V-Day.

    The video, believed to be shot by a Sony digital camera, showed Abu Yazid, believed to be dead by Pakistani army, wearing a Sheikh like dress, believed to be designed by one of the beheaded dress designers, issuing out a warning, believed to be targeted against liberal and secular Hindus of India. The video was sent to television channels of India, believed to be showing news.

    “Indians go to pubs to drink and act obscenely. Such things are causing Pakistani youths to copy them and are destroying our culture. We would never ever allow it to happen. Death to infidels.” Abu Yazid is believed to have told in Arabic, which was dubbed into Urdu in the video.

    Faking News could contact an Al Qaida representative who confirmed the message contained in the video. When asked if Al Qaida was toeing the same line on Valentine’s Day as the Sri Ram Sene (SRS) of India, the representative vehemently denied the allegations. He accused SRS of being agents of USA and the western world.

    “Due to economic recession, this Valentine’s Day was going to see minimal spending on cards, pubs, multiplexes, etc. The American companies running these establishments were worried and hence they created SRS to bring back V-Day into fashion. You stupid Indians felt for the trap and are now so eager to celebrate the day, but we won’t allow this conspiracy by the Americans to succeed.” the representative told us.

    The government of India has taken the threat by Al Qaida very seriously and blamed Pakistan for creating troubles in India. Home Minister P Chidambaram has assured that government will provide security on Valentine’s Day and may even declare it a national holiday.

    Read the complete Report and Comment

    Monday, February 9, 2009

    SIMI to take on Sri Ram Sena on V-Day

    Brave Single ManBangalore. In a very innovative development, the association of SIngle Males of India (SIMI) has decided to have a unique ‘Find A Valentine 2010’ (FAV2010) show in Bangalore on this Valentine’s day. The participation is open to any male above the age of 18 who does not have a date on this Valentine’s Day.

    The show aims to showcase the participants’ bravery to members of the association of SIngle Females of India (SIFI). It is learnt that SIMI has more members than it can handle and hence it wants to get rid of some of them. SIFI, it is reported has agreed to co-operate. Here is what the contest will look like.

    The members of SIMI will form themselves into groups of 50 and will position themselves in various parts of the city. As soon as Sri Ram Sena attacks a particular valentine day hangout, the nearest SIMI group will rush to that place and fight these attackers. Their aim will be to take out the shirts and pants of the members of Ram Sena.

    Once a particular participant takes out a shirt or a pant (or dhoti/kurta as the case may be), he is supposed to keep it with himself. There will be 1 point for a shirt and 2 points for a dhoti. Participant collecting maximum points will be the winner. In case of a tie, the winner will be adjudged by the number of underwear of Sri Ram Sena activists that have been collected.

    On thirteenth February midnight, participants will take a ‘Ravana pledge’ of fairness. It means that they will not show a cloth of their own or of people other than Sri Ram Sena activists to get points. Interestingly, the pledge will be taken not upon Geeta but upon authentic Sri Lankan sand which Indian cricket team captain has kindly agreed to bring over from Sri Lanka.

    As for the prize, the winners will win a date with SIFI members of their choice on next Valentine’s Day. All the activities will be relayed live to SIFI auditorium by Times Now so that SIFI members can choose a brave member as their next valentine.

    Last heard, SIMI has been criticized for this contest by some top political leaders. Renuka Choudhary was upset that if things start getting sorted out on their own, she will not have any airtime on news channel. It will be a great disregard to all her efforts in the past to get noticed. NCW is worried that government may finally realize that it is a useless body and may make it a soft target for cost cutting.

    BJP was worried that many of Sri Ram Sena members may not campaign for it in the next general elections due to paucity of clothes. But Congress is blaming BJP itself for creating groups like SIMI, accusing the saffron party of having armed civilians to take on ultras in the past such as Salva Judum in Chhattisgarh.

    Surprisingly, SIMI has found support from Mallika Sherawat who has agreed to cover the contest for Times Now. “What if I can’t cover myself” she was quoted as saying.

    (this exclusive news report has been submitted by a reader of Faking News through e-mail)

    Read the complete Report and Comment

    Sunday, February 8, 2009

    Billu Barber banned in Jamaica

    No Barbersim PleaseKingston, Jamaica. Bollywood superstar Shahrukh Khan’s upcoming film Billu Barber has been banned in Jamaica after many people accused the movie of glorifying a profession that was inimical to local customs. Shahrukh has been asked to apologize to Jamaican people, especially the Rastafarians, for hurting their sentiments.

    “Barbers are bad people. If they had their way, they would remove all dreadlocks from the world. They are the main reason why Rastafari movement died as people started sporting new hairstyles invented by them. We can’t allow a movie that glorifies barberism (sic.)” Mob Marley, president of Rastafarian People of Jamaica (RPJ), told Faking News.

    According to reports, RPJ has written a letter to Akali Dal of India to support their demands to pressurize Shahrukh Khan into apologizing and getting the movie banned in India as well. RPJ representatives believe that Sikhs, who don’t get their hairs shaved or cut, too must be disliking barbers and would support them in getting the movie off screen in India and maybe in France too.

    RPJ members were also banking on the fact that Punjab, where Sikhs are in majority, was one of the first Indian states to ban a Bollywood movie Aaja Nachle for hurting sentiments of a community, and had recently got another Bollywood superstar Akshay Kumar to apologize for his movie Singh is Kinng. Also, with religious angle coming into picture, the issue would have attracted political support in India, RPJ hoped.

    While Akali Dal was yet to respond to these appeals and suggestions from Rastafarians, the movie Billu Barber did get into trouble in India as ‘The Salon and Beauty Parlours Association’ of India demanded that the word ‘barber’ be dropped from the movie name as it was derogatory. Some of the RPJ members were livid when they got the news that Shahurkh had accepted their demand.

    “Their whole profession is derogatory, not just the name. I can’t understand why our sentiments were not respected while their demand was accepted by your superstar. We would not allow any Jamaican player to play for his IPL team Knight Riders. The man will repent.” Mob Marley protested.

    Faking News tried to get the reaction of Shahrukh Khan over the whole issue but he declined to talk to us. But our sources confirm that SRK, as Shahrukh is called popularly, has hired an Independent Risk Consulting firm for his upcoming films after the whole episode. His next project was to be titled Mallu Machhuara (the fisherman from Kerala) and could have got into trouble.

    Read the complete Report and Comment

    Saturday, February 7, 2009

    Atheist sees image of Big Bang in piece of toast

    Big BangACPA, London. Excitement is growing in the Northern England town of Huddlesfield following news that local atheist Donald Chapman saw an image of the Big-Bang in a piece of toast. In an exclusive interview with "The Huddlesfield Express" Chapman, 36, explained that he was sitting down to eat breakfast when an unusual toast pattern caught his eye.

    "I was just about to spread the butter when I noticed a fairly typical small hole in the bread surrounded by a burnt black ring" said Chapman. "Then to my amazement I saw the direction and splatter patterns of the crumbs with their changing shades emanating outwards from the center of the black hole. It was identical to the chaotic-dynamic non-linear patterns that one would expect following the Big-Bang." "It's the beginning of the world," he added excitedly.

    Ever since news of the discovery made national headlines, local hoteliers have been overwhelmed by an influx of atheists from all over the country who have flocked to Huddlesfield to catch a glimpse of the scientific relic. "I have always been an Atheist and to see my life choices validated on a piece of toast is truly astounding," said one guest at the Huddlesfield Arms hotel.

    To the surprise of many, the UK National Atheist Association has asked its members not to pay attention to the story despite its potential to inspire less faith. "Given what the religious believe already, this is an easy sell," complained one disgruntled activist who said he was going to Huddlesfield anyway noting that "Seeing is not believing".

    (The story has been reproduced here courtesy ACPA i.e. Atlanta Center for Policy Analysis, which runs the website

    Read the complete Report and Comment

    Friday, February 6, 2009

    Narendra Modi set to apologize for Gujarat riots

    The SecularsAhmedabad. Narendra Modi, who holds the record for the longest serving Chief Minister of Gujarat, will commence campaigning for the parliamentary elections with a bang. Sources close (as on today) to him have revealed in private that he will be formally launching his own political party and tendering an apology to Muslims at the Dehrasar (Jain temple) in Naroda Patia area in Ahmedabad for 2002 riots.

    The new party being floated by him will be called Gujarati Janata Party (GJP). Keen to secure much more than absolute majority in the next Assembly elections, Modi wants his candidates to win most parliament seats from the state this year and GJP will work with this sole objective.

    To avoid complications with the Election Commission, however, GJP will technically be part of BJP for some time. Most state Congress leaders, led by his bĂȘte noire and one-time RSS stalwart Shankarsinh Vaghela, are expected to troop in to GJP. Vaghela is said to be close to former CM of UP, Kalyan Singh. He has already hinted that Muslims do not see Modi as inimical to them and the apology will reinforce their confidence. Like in Kalyan Singh’s case, however, Vaghela’s son will continue in Congress, just in case.

    It is well known that BJP leaders in other states dread Modi for his hardline Hindutva image that projected him as the future party supremo. He is wanted as a poster boy only to the extent absolutely necessary to sway voters who see a savior in him. However, he is getting increasingly alienated with the Saffron elements back home.

    Demolition of dozens of roadside temples, allegedly to release the land to big builders, has infuriated many long-time colleagues, including two former CMs. The RSS, Bajrang Dal, Durga Vauhini, Shiv Sena etc., led by international Vice President of VHP Pravin Togadia, are up against Modi for working against their interests.

    To counter these elements, Modi decided to break away and start his own party. Observers see in Modi’s apology yet another masterstroke by the expert election strategist. Wooing the Muslims can not only distance rebel Saffronites from voters but can also weaken Congress. He is noted for checkmating Congress on many occasions in the past.

    Law minister Ashok Bhatt, the septuagenarian who had a leading role in every riot in the state since 1960s, claimed that Muslims no more see him as Maut ka saudager (merchant of death) as projected by Congress. He said Modi never discriminated against them.

    “The works taken up by him proved that we had worked for the welfare of all. We have been ruthless with everyone who came in the way of rapid growth of our mega business empires, be they of Adani, Tata or Ambani, who is SP’s blue eyed boy,” he said and added: “We don’t discriminate between majority and minority communities to crush resistance to wealth creation, whoever has it."

    Anandiben Patel, Gujarat's Education Minister who is among the very few to not have crossed his path said: "Letters and phone calls are coming in hordes not just from Muslims but also from Hindus who have hailed his decision to tackle VHP-RSS hooligans."

    The draft of Modi’s speech launching GJP is almost final. Drafted by Arun Jetley, his only backer at the HQ, it will slightly deviate from the line taken by Kalyan Singh. Modi may solemnly declare: "I take moral responsibility for the riots in 2002 even though I never killed or lynched or raped anyone personally."

    The apology is expected to cleanse out what former PM Vajpayee had termed as a ‘blot’ on India. Referring to Vajpayee’s unfriendly remark, Vaghela said: "While the party he (Modi) had devoted his life in strengthening did not even take his advice on national affairs, billionaire tycoons openly endorsed him as Prime Ministerial material."

    A veteran journalist, noted for routinely writing Modi-blasting Gujarati-English stories in the national newspaper he worked for, has been enlisted to promote GJP. For the record, he had promoted Vaghela’s RJP that existed in the interim period of his breaking up with BJP and merging with Congress.

    (This special report has been brought to you by chhuchhundarbaba)

    Read the complete Report and Comment

    Thursday, February 5, 2009

    N Gopalaswami and Navin Chawla resign, join IPL

    Election BrothersNew Delhi. Election Commissioners N Gopalaswami and Navin Chawla have resigned from the Election Commission of India and have joined the 20-20 cricket company IPL. It is not yet clear in what capacities have they joined IPL, and this confusion is giving birth to dozens of speculations and rumors about the development.

    The first reports coming in suggested that both the commissioners had joined IPL as players, even though there is no documented record of them having played 20-20 cricket earlier. This speculation was fuelled by reports that there was shortage of players in IPL after Pakistan refused to send their players and Australians decided to first set their own house in order.

    It was also speculated that both Gopalaswami and Chawla were to join Rajasthan Royals as openers, after being convinced by the team’s new stakeholder Shilpa Shetty. Sources confirm that Shilpa has promised to include both of them in the next season of the reality show Big Boss, where they could insult each other and also cry profusely while criticizing the other. Sources further confirm that Anuradha Bali alias Fiza too could star in the Big Boss 3, along with these commissioners.

    But these speculations were countered by another set of speculators who argued that both Gopalaswami and Chawla can’t join the same team in IPL, and in fact, no team owner would ever commit this mistake as their rivalry could end the chances of winning the championship of any team.

    “They would make a mess out of it as a team. They would run each other out or drop catches to hurt the other. No sensible executive, except the government, will like to have both of them in a single team.” T N Seshan, a cricket expert, told Faking News.

    The second most popular speculation about the resignation of both the commissioners suggested that both of them had joined IPL as managers as Lalit Modi could go to jail for his alleged irregularities last year. The rivalry between the two was expected to be passed on to the teams in IPL and it could ensure increased viewer attention and loyalty for IPL.

    This set of speculators further informed that Gopalaswami and Chawla were to revamp IPL and introduce new teams, players, commentators, cheerleaders, etc. to make this version of IPL a hit in times of economic recession. IPL could as well be called Indian Political League, to bring together Cricket, Politics and Bollywood – three favorite pastimes of a common Indian – on a common platform to attract maximum attention.

    “I have confirmed report that to compensate for the loss of Pakistani players, the two commissioners turned managers have decided to introduce a new team – Sindh Superstars – which will be owned by L K Advani. The team will have male cheerleaders trained by Pramod Muthalik.” a sports reporter of a rival news website informed us, whom we are paying to leak scoops to Faking News.

    Our spy reporter also informed us that the new IPL would have special commentary for the hearing impaired in the same format as Doordarshan used to have the news bulletin. Prime Minister Manmohan Singh would be one of the inaugural guest commentators as he had expressed desire to perform commentary during at least one match of Sindh Superstars. He was disallowed normal commentary as his doctors had advised him to speak less and act more post his heart operation.

    Read the complete Report and Comment

    Wednesday, February 4, 2009

    Why is Pramod Muthalik ecstatic?

    Pramod MutalikMangalore. If there is one person who has not experienced even an iota of the current recession's impact, it is Sri Ram Sena's promoter and CEO Mr. Pramod Muthalik. Ever since his gang carried out the act of beating women in a Mangalore's pub for maligning the country's "sanskriti" (culture), Mr. Muthalik has been seeing a flurry of job offers coming his way.

    One state has offered him the job of Police Chief as "moral policing" is one of his core strengths. "I am already a qualified IPS (Inko Peeto Sabko) of 1978 batch", says a beaming Mr. Muthalik. Unconfirmed sources have also reported fierce competition being on between MNS and Shiv Sena to woo Mr. Muthalik as they see a lot of strategic fit and synergy of work culture with Ram Sena.

    While other organizations are queueing to get him to join them, one Mumbai based mafia conglomerate called "Mumbhais" have demanded him to head their extortion business. They are willing to absorb all employees of Sri Ram Sena too. Mr. Muthalik has not acquiesced to their demand yet as he is also contemplating a comparative offer from a major foreign bank to head their "recovery agent" arm. As if this problem of plenty was not enough - an automobiles company is also in the race to win him over as they expect to gain major benefits from his expertise in gaining political "mileage".

    Since suddenly attaining this celebrity status in the media, Mr. Muthalik has constantly been in the interviews. Some reporter asked him who gave him the authority to decide what is right and wrong, is he the government, military or what - Mr. Muthalik responded that he is a "citizen" of this country. That response finally came as a relief to all those adult men and women who were beaten by Sri Ram Sena for drinking beer in a pub that has been legalized by the government.

    Mr. Muthalik was asked the question if behavior of his people was humane but he dismissed that question as irrelevant. "If you read Indian history, you'll know that Ram Sena has never had any humans".

    When asked why does his organization focus on petty issues when there are bigger troubles like terrorism in the country. "We are not commandos or military, we are just moral police. Anyway, I do not want to comment on terrorists as they are in a related business and my opinion will be misinterpreted in the media", said Mr. Muthalik.

    "I want youth to learn the spirit of 'rang de basanti' and these people are enjoying spirits in a pub, promoting 'mug de basanti'', concluded Mr. Muthalik.

    Food for thought: It would have been funny if it wasn't pathetic

    (This special story has been reported by Faking News special correspondent Shashank)

    Read the complete Report and Comment

    Tuesday, February 3, 2009

    Why Chand Mohammad dumped Fiza?

    Chanda LamhaatChandigarh. Faking News has succeeded in establishing a new standard in investigative journalism by finding out the reasons behind the recent spat between loving-leader Chand Mohammad alias Chander Mohan and adoring-advocate Fiza alias Anuradha Bali. The suddenly sour love-story between the two love-birds had aroused huge public interest and we decided to carry out the investigation in deference to this public interest.

    Our sources confirm that Chander Mohan was sent as a spy by his family to Anuradha Bali, who just knew too many things about the family by virtue of being an advocate. Chander Mohan’s family, which is also the family of Bhajan Lal and one of the most influential families of Haryana politics, had confided a lot of secrets to the advocate Anuradha in good faith, but they didn’t know that Anuradha was actually carrying out a sting operation on them.

    When the Bhajan Lal family came to know about Anuradha’s stinging steps, they decided to perform a reverse sting operation on her. They convinced Chander Mohan, at that time the deputy Chief Minister of Haryana, to trap Anuradha in his love and destroy any evidences that she might have amassed against the family. A leading Bollywood script-writer and director was hired to guide Chander Mohan in this reverse sting operation.

    Everything went according to the script and finally Anuradha Bali was won over by Chander Mohan’s fake love. Chander Mohan started pressurizing her to get married as soon as possible. Being an advocate, Anuradha thought of converting to Islam as Hindu marriage laws would have required adhering to a lot of pre-marital steps before they got married. She didn’t know that she was further getting caught in the trap by finding this short-cut. Finally they married as Muslims and went honeymooning like movie stars.

    During the honeymoon period, Chander Mohan or Chand Mohammad, used to search all the belongings of Anuradha Bali or Fiza, when she slept and moon was out in the sky during the night. If only Fiza would have understood that the Muslim name ‘Chand’ i.e. moon had a clue to the whole conspiracy. The hired Bollywood script-writer had provisioned for this clue out of habit. Fiza slept peacefully while Chand shone at his job.

    Finally when Chand Mohammad got all the documents, CDs, clothes, cash, etc. that could have acted as admissible evidence against his family in a court of law, he did the vanishing act. He dumped Fiza after faking a rediscovered love for his earlier wife and children. Fiza woke up to see a bright sun that almost blinded her sight.

    Faking News was threatened by a movie company against publishing this report as they wanted to make a Bollywood film out of this plot, but we decided to ignore the threats and bring out the truth to the public.

    Read the complete Report and Comment

    Monday, February 2, 2009

    Government announces 2-BHK apartments at 12500 rupees

    India ShiningChennai. The Union government is working on a grand program to provide world class housing to every Indian family at an unimaginably low cost. The ingenious design concept of National Institute of Design, further developed by Indian Statistical Institute, will enable HUDCO to offer 2-BHK dwellings at Rs 12,500 ($250) apiece for the first time in the world.

    Prototypes of the wonder-house will be unveiled at the launch of the National Mission on Housing through Biometrics and Space Technology (NMHBST), to be held at the temple town Palani of Tamil Nadu next month. Selija Kumari, chief of Ministry of Housing and Urban Poverty Alleviation, announced that bookings will start on Baisakhi Day.

    If the MP from Ambala did not hog any public attention despite her stint as Minister of State with independent charge since five years, it was because she was absolutely busying herself with Nirman Bhavan’s scientists. She strongly refuted allegations that this was another election gimmick by the ruling party, as alleged by opposition.

    It may be noted that Ram Jethmalani has petitioned the Election Commission and the Supreme Court on the pre-election announcement. He has urged clubbing of this petition against MHUP with the one pending against HRD. The earlier petition was to oppose the unveiling of a wonder laptop costing Rs 500.

    Selija Kumari has complained to the PM about HRD minister Arjun Singh, who, she feels, is jealous of her achievement. She told Faking News: “The decision to display our wonder house at Palani was taken long back. HRD stole our idea and overtook us by unveiling a prototype of a laptop.” The launching of National Mission on Education through Information and Communication Technology, where the $10 laptop was demonstrated, was carried out with tumult at Tirupati.

    Hindustan Prefab Limited, a PSU under her ministry, collaborated in the development with another Central PSU, Semiconductor Complex Limited, in addition to ISI and NID. The Director of NID announced that its role in the feat did not delay the design and development of the world class bullock cart, ongoing since several decades.

    Jaiveer Srivastavaa, CMD of Hindustan Prefab has denied that the price tag was a little too optimistic: “At this stage, the price is $ 500, but with mass production, it is bound to come down.” He conceded that the cost calculations did not include revenue expenses like employees’ salaries. He defended the non-inclusion, saying, “In any case, salaries and revision according to pay commission recommendations are going to be spent, even as they are idle.”

    Selija Kumari has charged that HRD ministry took the cue from her strategy to rope in Indian Institute of Science (IISc) Bangalore and IIT Madras to perfect the $10 laptop. Even its plans to mass produce the laptop by several private sector companies were a rehash of MHUP’s alliance with Jaja Housing.

    Jaja Group, one time topper of India’s blue chip corporates, is betting on the Janata House to stage a comeback. Tamil Nadu government has negotiated a Rs 70,000 crore special relief package along with a huge chunk of land at cheap rates. Chief Minister M Karunanidhi has defended the deal saying that such subsidies are essential to keep up the pace of development and attract mega project to the state.

    Deputy Chairman of the Planning Commission, Montek Singh Ahluwalia, noted that an element of subsidy cannot be avoided in projects of social responsibility. He has vowed to convince the IMF to bear part of the burden for the $ 250 apartment, like in the case of the $10 laptop having a 2 GB RAM.

    Skeptics have been predicting that at this price, the mega project can only churn out mini houses, which may be no more than an RCC sewage pipe that serves as the dwelling of most Indians. HUDCO has set speculations at rest, stating: “It will be world class two-bedroom-drawing room-kitchen apartment.”

    It is not known if the 2-BHK unit will come with a garage to park the four-door hatchback costing under $ 2500 that most Indians are waiting to acquire.

    Ahluwalia, however, sounded a word of caution that prices of essentials may go up slightly due to the interest and repayment obligations. All the rice, wheat and milk produced may have to be exported to meet these liabilities.

    Excise, customs and other taxes will have to be hiked. As a result, according to an RBI study, the price of hay and husk will be Rs 10 per gram and of drinking water Rs 5 per milliliter. The Planning Commission had initiated this study looking at the likely scenario when both the projects are through.

    (This special report has been brought to you by chhuchhundarbaba)

    Read the complete Report and Comment

    Sunday, February 1, 2009

    Research proves women feel safer among aliens

    A WomanChandigarh. A team of physical, chemical, biological, mathematical and social scientists have concluded that women tend to feel safer among aliens. Their research also discovered that this feeling of safety among women was proportional to the degree of foreignness of creatures around them e.g. a normal woman felt safer in the company of aliens (from outer world) as compared to being with men, or an Indian woman felt safer in the company of European men as compared to being with Indian men.

    The research argues that the above phenomenon is a result of the atomic structure of the amino acids found in the red blood cells of women. Scientists performed a nonlinear multivariate regression analysis on the above factors to come up with the relationship between feeling of safety and foreignness.

    The observed trend, where a man belonging to the same ethnic class as the woman was likely to go scot free after committing a crime against the woman, was also picked up for mention by the scientists, and the researchers felt that this trend could also be the reason behind a woman feeling safer in the company of aliens rather than her own men.

    “If a Muslim man (or for that matter a Hindu, a Dalit, a Tamil, etc. man) was to rape a woman of his own community, perhaps not even a case would be registered. But if he raped a woman from another community, news headlines would be made and he could be arrested, in fact even a riot could take place to avenge the honor of the woman. The assured guarantee of lesser punishment causes men to commit crimes against women of their own communities, and this causes women to feel insecure among their own men.” one of the researchers explained.

    The research and its conclusions are causing a lot of debate in various quarters. Women groups had mixed reactions with some of them welcoming the research and its findings. The most surprising reaction was that of Sri Ram Sena (SRS) chief Pramod Muthalik, who hailed the report as path breaking and ‘eye-opening’. SRS workers had attacked women in a pub in Mangalore.

    “Indian women are on wrong path and confused. They claim that SRS doesn’t represent their society and religion, and they feel threatened by us. If we don’t represent their society that means we are like foreigners to them, then why do they feel threatened by us? According to this report, they should have felt safer with us rather than with their own pub-going men who shoot women dead like Manu Sharma did to Jessica Lall.” Pramod Muthalik argued.

    Women group welcoming the report didn’t agree with Muthalik and counter argued that the report talked about human beings and aliens, and SRS workers didn’t fall in either categories. Some women rights activist also explained the recent development of spat between Chand Mohammad and Fiza in Haryana on the basis of findings of the report.

    “Fiza felt safe with Chand Mohammad when both were Hindus but belonged to different castes and classes, but she erred by renouncing her earlier past converting to Islam with Chand Mohammad. Now with both of them belonging to the same ethic group, Fiza is feeling insecure.” Anita Bishnoi, a woman rights activist, told Faking News.

    Read the complete Report and Comment