Friday, January 16, 2009

Mayawati suffers from PMS, announces manifesto

MayaraajLucknow. Addressing a rally organized as part of her 53rd birthday celebrations, India’s dailt leader and Prime Minister in waiting, Kumari Behen Mayawati announced her elephantine vision for India’s future.

Showing no signs of the acute PMS (Prime Minister Syndrome) she was reportedly suffering from, Behenji vociferously lashed out at the opposition who called her corrupt. She even threatened to celebrate her 53rd birthday next year and stay 52 for a year more if the protests continued.

In a move that surprised all, she expressed unhappiness over Obama’s victory. “What if he is a black?” wondered the CM. She said that the Republicans were always close to her. “Aap logo ne dekha nahi kya unka haathi (haven’t you guys seen their elephant)?” she said linking her party to the Republicans.

In her inimitable style, she changed sides half way through the rally. She said that she may now change her party symbol to gadha (donkey) not only to pledge support to the most powerful president in the world but to reflect the ethos of her drove.

She blasted the media for projecting Rahul Gandhi as the future PM. When asked about his ongoing Amethi tour with UK Foreign Secretary David Miliband, Mayawati retorted,”us bande mein kya hai?” leaving the media perplexed if she was referring to Milliband or Rahul.

Mayawati also informed about her recently launched blog and said that it would bring the newer generation to the polling booths. A reporter, who asked if she was trying to copy L K Advani’s idea, was taken away by her bodyguards. She said her blog was (a) hit even before the launch. When asked for the link, she smirked and claimed that the linking business was a forte of Samajwadi Party’s Amar Singh and she didn’t believe in creating linkages and liaisons.

To counter the oft abused slogan "Bijli Sadak Paani" by pro development parties, she announced her new slogan, "Behenji Sadaa PM" (Behenji as PM forever). Faking News managed to get a copy of her grand plans for India.

Excerpts below:

We will focus on building the morale of the Indian armed forces to make them self reliant. Undue stress on discipline has affected the Indian forces and hence they were not able to advocate a single coup in the last 60 years, unlike our enemy neighbor that has mastered this art.

The center’s plan to set up NSG hubs across India is waste of precious resources. We will rename every state’s police force as Elite Commandoes like we have done to the UP Police (Now UP Elite Commandoes). Cost cutting starts at home.

We promise to have a separate ministry for protection of elephants; it is high time to change our national animal from the soon to be extinct tiger to the pachyderm. We will soon have elephants to take members to and from the parliament.

I am angry at ICC for not including even a single dalit cricketer in the list of 20 test cricketers of all times. We will ban ICC, a racist organization working against the secular fabric of India.

Unlike her earlier birthday celebrations, the chief minister did not announce a single project for the state and said her outlook was now national. The CM told that her rule has made UP a healthy state. She seemed convincing with the numbers she produced, “In some parts of UP, there is only a doctor for 30,000 people and that means people are healthy”.

The Rs. 12 Crores collected for the CM’s birthday will solely spent for her own good and not for the state, said a press release from her office. “It is her birthday and not the state’s”, the release added.

(This exclusive report has been brought to you by Faking News special correspondents Nikhil and Shreyash)


sambha said...

ossum writeup. very humorous.

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