Highlights of Union Budget 2009-10

New Delhi. For those of our readers, who missed the budget speech of Finance Minister Pranab Mukherjee, Faking News brings the highlights of the Union Budget:

Defense budget has been increased by over 34%. The ruling coalition can now defend all its tainted MPs without worrying for legal expenses as Service Tax will be now levied on Law firms.

Income tax slabs have been raised. Since income hasn’t risen too much in the last year due to recession, government was considerate enough not to raise the slabs too much as well.

Government will ensue that farming sector grows, but farming land might become lesser as there is a focus on infrastructure development.

Crop loan to farmers will be given at 6%. The farmers need to furnish a few documents – a driving license, a passport with visa to USA, last three years audited IT returns certificate and an affidavit that government won’t be responsible if he commits suicide.

Fringe Benefit Tax has been abolished. Companies are free to abolish the benefits too.

Contrary to popular expectations, no special schemes were announced for gays. e.g. Lesbians were not picked up for mention even as mission for female literacy with focus on minorities, SC/ST was announced.

No change in corporate tax. Swiss banks too have not changed interest rates.

Drugs for heart diseases will be made cheaper. Get a stronger heart for next five years.

Print Media stimulus package extended by six months. Pagal Patrakar wishes Faking News was a print newspaper.

NREGA allocation up by almost 150%. Jai Ho! To provide a real wage of Rs. 100 per day, this is equal to the monthly revenues of Faking News.

Government to spend Rs. 12000 crores on rural roads. The decision was taken in wake of the possibility of Tata’s Nano car being owned by each rural household.

Modernization of National Employment Exchanges. Sleek looking gals will hand out job application forms to the unemployed youth.

PSUs to remain within public sector! LOL!

Almost Rs. 1500 crores more allocated for Commonwealth Games. It includes prizes for contractors to finish their work early and in time.

Our correspondent Idiot Box further reports:

OOPs He did it again

Budget Flu has attacked the Indian subcontinent and everyone is mourning and singing "OOPs he did it again... although after more than 2 decades) When Pranaab Da started his union budget, the entire nation was looking at him as if he is the most qualified person to look for GDP growth of 9%. "Arrey Bhai, what calculation let you to dream of GDP growth of 9%", asked an amused kela aadmi (cousin of aam aadmi). After seeing a negative inflation, even the most gadha (donkey) aadmi would question the credibility of numbers.

Not only entire nation, the entire world was looking. Even the Wall Street in New York had come to a halt (anyways it was night time in New York, observed Mr.Witty Birbal, a senior analyst from Faking News). All eyes were on the plasma display which was giving minute by minute update on the budget. Even the Wall Street Bull lifted his head to see the budget.

All desis came out on the street as if it was the night before thanksgiving! They came with their own tap water and home made idli-vada, samosa-pakora for snacks. Some had even put up their sweater and scarf as they feel it is always cold in any foreign country.

All the websites and television channels were giving live updates. The 6th of July is marked as the 'Serial Killer' day in India as no serials was broadcasted. Today the T.V. was dominated by Pranab and Arnab (Arnab of the Arnab Goswami fame who can talk non-stop without any break).

Anandi of 'Balika Vadhu' and Akshara of 'Yeh Rishta Kya Kehlata hai' were also heard talking about budget. This was a strategic move started by the new government to educate the couch potato housewives of the impact of budget. Housewives can now bug their husband to buy imported LCD T.V. as the tax has been reduced.

The cyber space was full of tweets. All the birdies were tweeting nano second by second update of the budget. Faking News cyber-crawlers uncovered some exclusive updates which were not commonly seen on the web.

July 6, 2009, 06:00 : Alarm Bell rings and Pranab stops the alarm in his sleep and laziness.

July 6, 2009, 06:45 : Pranab wakes up and rushes to get ready for his special day. His PA submits a report that he is delayed for the budget speech.

July 6, 2009, 07:00 : Sensex down by 420.99 points on negative sentiments from budget as people read the news paper in the morning (This is the first time in history that market has fallen even before the opening bell).

July 6, 2009, 10:12 : Tax limit changed for Gay too.The first slab of income of Rs. 377,000 will be tax free for Gay and Rs. 4,20,000 will be exempted for the lesbians.

July 6, 2009, 11:57 : Agricultural growth to increase by 4%. This can be achieved by growing potatoes over the roof top of IT companies and installing flower pots in the place of desktops of laid off employees. Following Green revolution, this will be coined as Pink revolution taking cue from the pink slips.

July 6, 2009 12:00 : Citizens are encouraged to buy imported gold jewellery although the basic food price keep shooting through the roof. Wife of Manmohan Singh has already requested for gold bars as soon as the clock struck 12.