Mayawati suffers from PMS, announces manifesto

Lucknow. Addressing a rally organized as part of her 53rd birthday celebrations, India’s dailt leader and Prime Minister in waiting, Kumari Behen Mayawati announced her elephantine vision for India’s future.

Showing no signs of the acute PMS (Prime Minister Syndrome) she was reportedly suffering from, Behenji vociferously lashed out at the opposition who called her corrupt. She even threatened to celebrate her 53rd birthday next year and stay 52 for a year more if the protests continued.

In a move that surprised all, she expressed unhappiness over Obama’s victory. “What if he is a black?” wondered the CM. She said that the Republicans were always close to her. “Aap logo ne dekha nahi kya unka haathi (haven’t you guys seen their elephant)?” she said linking her party to the Republicans.

In her inimitable style, she changed sides half way through the rally. She said that she may now change her party symbol to gadha (donkey) not only to pledge support to the most powerful president in the world but to reflect the ethos of her drove.

She blasted the media for projecting Rahul Gandhi as the future PM. When asked about his ongoing Amethi tour with UK Foreign Secretary David Miliband, Mayawati retorted,”us bande mein kya hai?” leaving the media perplexed if she was referring to Milliband or Rahul.

Mayawati also informed about her recently launched blog and said that it would bring the newer generation to the polling booths. A reporter, who asked if she was trying to copy L K Advani’s idea, was taken away by her bodyguards. She said her blog was (a) hit even before the launch. When asked for the link, she smirked and claimed that the linking business was a forte of Samajwadi Party’s Amar Singh and she didn’t believe in creating linkages and liaisons.

To counter the oft abused slogan "Bijli Sadak Paani" by pro development parties, she announced her new slogan, "Behenji Sadaa PM" (Behenji as PM forever). Faking News managed to get a copy of her grand plans for India.

Excerpts below:

We will focus on building the morale of the Indian armed forces to make them self reliant. Undue stress on discipline has affected the Indian forces and hence they were not able to advocate a single coup in the last 60 years, unlike our enemy neighbor that has mastered this art.

The center’s plan to set up NSG hubs across India is waste of precious resources. We will rename every state’s police force as Elite Commandoes like we have done to the UP Police (Now UP Elite Commandoes). Cost cutting starts at home.

We promise to have a separate ministry for protection of elephants; it is high time to change our national animal from the soon to be extinct tiger to the pachyderm. We will soon have elephants to take members to and from the parliament.

I am angry at ICC for not including even a single dalit cricketer in the list of 20 test cricketers of all times. We will ban ICC, a racist organization working against the secular fabric of India.

Unlike her earlier birthday celebrations, the chief minister did not announce a single project for the state and said her outlook was now national. The CM told that her rule has made UP a healthy state. She seemed convincing with the numbers she produced, “In some parts of UP, there is only a doctor for 30,000 people and that means people are healthy”.

The Rs. 12 Crores collected for the CM’s birthday will solely spent for her own good and not for the state, said a press release from her office. “It is her birthday and not the state’s”, the release added.

(This exclusive report has been brought to you by Faking News special correspondents Nikhil and Shreyash)

Why is Ramalinga Raju unhappy?

Hyderabad. Unconfirmed sources have revealed that Raju is terribly unhappy about Slumdog Millionaire getting the Golden Globe award for the "Best Screenplay". His unhappiness basically stems from the fact that his company's Balance Sheet was not even considered for the nomination.

"The P&L statement of my company is already a bestseller in the FICTION category across the world." Raju has been quoted as saying. This quote actually comes as a surprise to a lot of financial analysts who now believe that the company's accounts should actually be sold in the recipes section as the company has been doing nothing but cooking the books.

Incidentally, this is not the first time that Raju has expressed his displeasure over an issue. He has in the past reacted to his company being sidelined in the favor of biggies like Infosys, when it comes to matters like Corporate Governance. Raju told a section of media "my company has been contributing in its own way to the India STORY." He sees himself as a man of steely vision. "If Sardar Patel was the iron man of India, I am the man of STEAL", he was heard saying.

Talking of Corporate Governance, Raju also clarified on the issue of Golden Peacock award being taken away from them. "It was a misunderstanding to start with", Raju clarified. As it turns out, when Raju proclaimed "I want a share of your wallet", investors thought he was talking to the customers. The fact that he was actually talking to the investors themselves was not realized by anybody.

In these tough times for Raju, help came from an unexpected quarter - Bollywood. One director is working on a plot where a small time guy from village gets trapped in the pressures of corporate world and does everything possible to show profits quarter after quarter. He however has a change of heart after seven years and confesses to everything bad done by him, exonerating everyone else in the company from the scam. The title has been registered as "Raju Ban Gaya Gentleman".

This director, just for the record, was not on the board of Satyam. This makes him an "independent director" as far as this issue is concerned.

Despite bad news flocking from all quarters, Raju has not lost hope. "Afterall our national emblem itself quotes - Satyamev Jayate: In the end, only Satyam Triumphs", Raju expressed hope.

Disclaimer: All the quotes in this article are as fictitious as Satyam's cash.

(This special story has been reported by Faking News special correspondent Shashank)

Somnath Chatterjee planning hostile takeover bids

Kolkata. Top political circles in India have witnessed a spike in interest in the moves of Speaker Somnath Chatterjee. The leader, who is most perturbed about the fierce fighter’s motives, is the equally vehement fighter from West Bengal – Mamata Banerjee.

The estranged Marxist patriarch is now reliably learnt to be chalking out a strategy for a hostile takeover bid. There are two opinions about the likely takeover target – the CPM itself and Mamatadi’s Trinamool Congress, both of which are considered as sitting ducks.

Despite his expulsion, Somnathda commands a sizable following within the party, having been a party leader in the Lok Sabha for 15 long years, before becoming Speaker. Even as Speaker, Chatterjee had not left the party; he even authorized the government to remit a part of his salary to CPM’s account according to party rules.

Somnathda keeps hopping from place to place, as is usual whenever Parliament is not in session. As usual, he is being hounded by media persons at every airport. Again, as usual, he has been offering good copy to journalists. The Speaker has been forthcoming with poignant responses – as well as poignant silences – on speculations floating about him.

The Speaker’s TRP has started going up again as a result; just like it did during the run up to the vote in the Lok Sabha on US-India nuke deal last year, and the sack he got from CPM in its aftermath. He has not stopped foxing political analysts, compelling them to brush up their skills in reading between lines.

It was a letter addressed to Biman Bose, state party secretary of CPM in West Bengal by transport minister and state committee member and Subhash Chakraborty that triggered the current wave of suppositions. A staunch fan of the veteran, Chakraborty wants Somnathda back in the party.

The ‘rebel’ minister told reporters, “I feel the politburo ’s decision to expel Somnathda was wrong and that is why I wrote to Bimanda to take him back. I want Bimanda to take up the matter with the central committee.” Pleased at politburo member Sitaram Yechury’s statement that the central committee could indeed “discuss any proposal if it comes from the state committee”, he offered to treat media persons with rossagollas when his idol is taken back.

Chatterjee, adopting his usual inimitable style, recalled the remark he made upon getting expelled from the party for “seriously compromising the position of the party.” He had said: “It (July 23) was one of the saddest days of my life.” He added afresh, “I never appealed against the decision of the party then; never criticized it, even then.”

About his return to active politics, the Speaker’s response contrasted the forthright manner of his one-time Rajya Sabha compatriot and fellow-octogenarian, Shekhawat. “I won’t appeal,” was all that Somnathda would volunteer. Asking reporters to draw their own inferences, he said: “I am not going to contest (elections??) anymore. Physically, I do not think I can carry on much further (in politics??).” Chatterjee dismissed as “hypothetical” the probability of his return to the LS in case he doesn’t have to ‘contest’ or even ‘appeal’.

This has naturally left Mamata Banerjee, the only MP of Trinamool Congress in LS quite uncomfortable. Mamatadi has the distinction of being behind the one single defeat he ever suffered in his bid; Chatterjee has been an LS member for a record 10 terms so far. The two ‘invincible’ players have always been like Mohun Bagan and East Bengal.

The firebrand leader was furious at this reporter when asked to rate the chances of her bête noire succeeding in his attempts to make a hostile bid to gain management control in Trinamool Congress.

She shouted, “Of course, it may help him to break his own record by entering LS for the 11th time, and perhaps becoming a Speaker again. But, aren’t you aware of the Tata Motors story and the sort of fights I am capable of?” She added that Tatas had finalized a deal only for a friendly takeover of mismanagement control of the state. Her objection was only that it was Buddhadebda, whom she detested. She neither confirmed nor denied that she is willing to let Somnathda in if he makes a friendly bid for a strategic partnership.

Strangely enough, ideologues of CPM view this development as an opportunity to recall the senior without looking too awkward. Chatterjee’s tie-up with Mamatadi can provide credible ground to the politburo for citing a precedent for taking back expelled leaders. Although there is no provision in the party constitution in this regard, it had made an exception in the case of Nripen Chakraborty.

That Chakraborty was expelled in 1995 and reinstated two days before his death in 2004. Subhash Chakraborty reasoned: “No one will dispute it if we say that teaming up with Mamatadi is the same as death. Ask former Speaker PA Sangma, ask former Mayor Subrata Mukherjee, anyone who dared to do that in the past!”

(This exclusive scoop has been brought to you by chhuchhundarbaba)

Indian news satire website denies supporting Advani

New Delhi. Some of the readers of leading Indian news satire website Faking News were surprised, some were shocked and some were delighted when they saw a banner advertisement on the top of the homepage with the message “Advani for PM”.

Many of our readers wrote to us asking if we were supporting BJP for the coming general elections or if we had sold our website to Advani or to his campaign managers. Faking News wants to clarify to its readers and to everyone in general that we are doing neither of these.

“We can’t support any political party as it’s against our editorial policies. Forget supporting, we don’t even vote like many of the young and educated Indians. As far as selling our website is concerned, that’s unthinkable. Who would buy us and why?” Pagal Patrakar, managing editor of Faking News told.

Pagal Patrakar clarified that the “Advani for PM” banner was an automated advertisement placed by online advertising program AdWords of internet giant Google. Google AdWords reads the text content of any website and if some of the frequently appearing words on any website matches ‘keywords’ preferences of the advertiser, advertisements in shape of such banners show up.

“We don’t choose what advertisements appear on our site. Google AdWords and the advertisers decide them. Advani must have found some of the words appearing on our website very useful and pertinent to his political campaign and hence his advertisement is showing up. Advani is Ad-vani now!” Pagal Patrakar explained and cracked a joke.

Pagal Patrakar further informed that according to his webmaster, the top ten keywords of Faking News were - news, faking, india, indian, world, pakistan, attacks, terror, mumbai, post. Except for ‘faking’ and ‘post’, all other keywords are clearly related and relevant to Advani. According to Pagal Patrakar, those two keywords too are relevant and related to Advani.

“Advani must be faking something I am sure. I leave upon our readers to find out what is Advani faking. As far as ‘post’ is concerned, it refers to Advani’s new found love for blogging.” Pagal Patrakar explained, yet again.

Faking News hopes that after these explanations by Pagal Patrakar, Faking News would be categorized as a secular and progressive website. We also want to clarify that the RSS feeds that we use to deliver you our updates have got nothing to do with Rashtriya Swayamsevak Sangh.

Incidentally, Advani’s blog says “If you enjoyed this post, make sure you subscribe to my RSS feed!”

Government bans news channels, journalists happy

New Delhi. In wake of seemingly poor reporting by television channels during Mumbai terror attacks, Government has decided that the country no longer needs 24-hours news channels, and has banned all of them. The news channels now have two options – either to continue in business as a non-news television channel or to join Doordarshan News. Most of the alleged journalists working in television channels were happy with either of the choices.

“Due to recession we don’t know if our jobs would be there tomorrow. If we become government employees with Doordarshan, at least the job would be there. As far as working in non-news channel is concerned, I feel I’m already in one, so that would hardly make a difference.” Rajat Chawla, a journalist working with a leading television channel told Faking News.

But top management and editors of these news channels are adamant to fight the government and get the ban revoked. Many channels started SMS and online polls to find out what the people think about the government decision. Despite repeated request by Faking News, these channels didn’t share the outcome of such polls hence Faking News has started its own poll to find out public opinion.

Faking News readers can participate in this poll which is visible at the top of the right column of this website. If you don’t have any opinion or haven’t made up your mind yet on this issue, we encourage you not to take part in the poll as there is no ‘maybe’ option. Readers can also comment on this article to voice their opinions, which would incrementally increase their internet bills but would still be cheaper than sending SMS. The poll would run till the end of January 31, 2009 (IST).

Meanwhile government has reiterated that their decision is absolutely correct and in public interest. They have dared the news channels to get a public survey done by an independent market surveyor and have rejected the SMS or online poll results even though they are yet to be made public. Government officials told that they will take a decision on accepting or rejecting Faking News poll result after the results were announced.

“Of late News Channels have lost track. People are mighty interested in knowing whether Salman and Katrina would get married or whether Shahrukh was a gay. That’s what you call public ‘interest’. Who in this world is interested in knowing whether our intelligence agencies work on not or if corruption is there in the system. Give me a break.” Information and Broadcasting secretary told us after the cabinet minister Priya Ranjan Dasmunshi refused to talk to our reporter.

While this tussle between government and news channel bosses continued, common man missed the news channels and instead spent most of his time watching ‘laughter shows’ on entertainment channels. The common woman missed the ‘behind the scenes’ stories and scoops from the saas-bahu sagas but she hoped that with some television journalists joining Doordarshan, she can get her updates back. The common child missed the crime shows about school going girls.

The ban is expected to increase the readership of newspapers, though the trend is yet to be witnessed. But Faking News witnessed increase in its traffic as it seems that people relied on us for the latest news and updates. But we request our readers not to trust us too much or our website could also be brought down by the government.

UPDATE:

February 1, 2009. Well, the results of the opinion poll started by Faking News have finally come out – 65% of the respondents (100 people voted) favored government regulation of television news channels. The government is happy with the result and has announced that Faking News would not need to pay any taxes this financial year. Sigh! Only if we were making any money at first place…