Cure suggested for extremist Hindus

Mumbai. A doctor belonging to HAHA (Helpless and Assertive Hindus’ Association) has suggested that extremist Hindus indulged in criminal and terrorist activities are actually suffering from OCD (Obsessive Compulsive Disorder), where they must hate, harass and attack people belonging to other faiths. The doctor, whose identity is being protected by Faking News, recommended compulsory medical treatment of such Hindus, who are largely understood to be members of VHP or Bajrang Dal.

HAHA is an organization of those Hindus who are assertive and proud of their faith and culture, but feel anguished and helpless in middle of scandalous activities being carried out in the name of Hinduism. The organization has been researching to find ways to put an end to such activities. HAHA claims to have performed DNA analysis of some of the Hindu extremists and have found proof of OCD in them.

“I don’t blame them, it’s the way they have grown up, they need treatment and they would become alright. There are just 2% extremist Hindus with such OCD, consistent with overall trend among human beings.” The doctor belonging to HAHA explained.

The doctor had suggested injection of SAPAP3 genes in such Hindus. Such genes are found in rats or mice and have been found effective in controlling OCD in them. The doctor believes that direct injections of rat’s genes won’t harm such Hindus. He refused to elaborate why he believed so, parrying the question whether he considered such Hindus as being equivalent to rats of Hinduism.

Expectedly, the suggestion by HAHA is creating a controversy. BJP has termed the suggestion as distasteful and has warned HAHA not to hurt Hindu sentiments. Congress has decided to refer the case to a retired judge of Karkardooma court who would submit a report on the whole issue after 6 months. Left parties have demanded that various state governments should start catching mice and rats and make a bank of such genes, because they suspect that most of the Hindus needed such injection.

Shahi Imam of Jama Masjid Syed Ahmed Bukhari has termed the whole development as a part of larger conspiracy against Muslims of India. He claimed that HAHA was just another arm of Sangh Parivar and Muslims must not believe such cheap antics aimed at creating a false sense of security and justice. He averred that this is another attempt to persecute Muslims.

“We all know that rats and mice are one of Satan's soldiers. Injection of rats’ genes is aimed at making these Hindu terrorists a part of Satan’s army, who would attack Muslims with greater power. Muslims of India should see through this evil design and defeat Allah’s enemies.” Syed Bukhari told.

Meanwhile a group of doctors were attacked by VHP activists when they visited VHP’s local office to collect activists’ blood samples to verify the claims of HAHA. VHP has demanded HAHA to be banned across India and is thinking of filing a defamation suit against them.

We want to remind our viewers that Faking News had predicted that this week seemed to be a week of sending legal notices, and it is indeed turning out to be so.

Amar Singh to sue Google

Lucknow. It seems it’s a week for sending legal notices. After some organizations decided to send legal notices to Indian television news channels, now Samajwadi Party leader Amar Singh is consulting his lawyers to send legal notice to internet search giant Google.

The reason for such a possible step by Amar Singh is the kind of search results that Google returned when some people tried to search for “amar singh” in Google search. Following is a screenshot of such a search result that Faking News has obtained from Amar Singh’s office:

Amar Singh suspects the hand of BJP supporters behind this mischief. He told that BJP supporters had similarly spammed the internet world with fake news of Rahul Gandhi raping a girl some time back, and now the same group is trying to attack him.

“Communal forces have ganged up to defame me and soon they will be exposed. I have various CDs and internet links to expose them, hence I’m warning them to stop stooping to such low level.” Amar Singh told Faking News. He also recited some Urdu couplet to prove his point which our reporter forgot while filing this story.

Faking News tried to contact Google for a reaction but they refused to comment on the development.

Indian news channels sent legal notices

New Delhi. Australian sports television network Channel Nine has sent legal notices to major national news channels of India for using geometrical shapes and other graphics while telecasting news. Channel Nine claims that the technology and method of using geometrical shapes or graphics were first used by them in cricket telecasts, and now Indian news channels are using the same technology without paying royalty or credit to them.

“Cricket crazy citizens of India can well recall that we were the first people to use geometrical shapes like circle or ovals to point out a cricketer on television screen who was being talked about by the commentators. We were also the first to use graphics like arrows or numbers to show and count slip fielders, etc.” Channel Nine legal officer Indiana Newzing told Faking News.

Mr. Newzing alleged that today Indian news channels are using this trademark method of Channel Nine profusely and shamelessly. He warned that Indian channels must stop putting circles around people’s faces or pointing arrows towards persons or things on screen without crediting Channel Nine for the same and paying a royalty fee.

Channel Nine is currently collecting various video clips and screenshots of different news channels that have put circles around people or have used other means of the technology that originally belongs to them. The company plans to hire the best lawyer in India to win the case.

Meanwhile Faking News has learnt from its sources that this may be just the beginning of troubles for Indian news channels as various other groups are consulting legal experts to send similar notices or file damage suits against news channels.

One such group is AFVSI (Association of Fish and Vegetable Sellers of India). AFVSI claims that the present style of news reading by many channels resembles the style of selling fish or vegetable in markets of small cities of India. AFVSI informed Faking News that their sellers used to scream and shriek to attract buyers’ attention claiming their fishes or vegetables to be exclusive and latest in the market. Association claims that the present news channels have used this marketing style without consulting them and have actually brought disrepute to the style.

“We no longer scream and shriek the same way as we feel ashamed now. It seems we are not selling fish or vegetables but news! It’s very disappointing that they first plagiarized our marketing style and then put a bad name to it.” AFVSI chief Lallan Kumar expressed his anguish.

Similarly entertainment channels and production houses are planning to sue the news channels for using their products without paying them. Balaji Telefilms chief Ms. Ekta Kapoor explained, “we take risk and do research to produce finest of programs and our product is used for free by news channels to sell their air-time. They are earning without spending on production. They have to know that there is nothing called free lunch in this world.”

But news channels seem unperturbed by these developments. CEO of a leading news channel, on conditions of anonymity, told Faking News that they are least bothered.

“We know there is nothing like free lunch. Ekta should also know that. We are actually providing free marketing to her. If she sends us bills for using her products, we’ll send her bills for advertising her programs.” The CEO explained.

The CEO also dismissed the claims by likes of Channel Nine and AFVSI and termed them laughable. He told that Indian news channels only show what Indians have liked on earlier occasions.

Faking News has learnt that since Indians seemingly had liked cheerleaders in Cricket, Indian news channels are mulling to have cheerleaders in their chat shows and studio discussions. When a speaker in the chat show/studio would put across a point, the cheerleaders will jump and dance to prove the point. The first such show is expected to be on rising religious intolerance in the country.

The deal behind nuclear deal

Washington, D.C. Whole of India was celebrating the news that US Senate had approved the Indo-US nuclear deal. Incidentally it proved to be a very auspicious day for Indians as birthday of father of nation Mahatma Gandhi and apparently one of the major festivals of Muslims (Faking News sources inform that it is called Eid) also fell on the same day.

With Senate giving its approval, the nuclear deal will now become operational and India can finally have an extra source of energy. Health drink Boost was the last known source of energy that India, especially some Indian cricketers, had used, but it didn’t seem to work. Nuclear energy is supposed to light up houses in rural India and provide electricity for agriculture.

Faking News editorial team had tough time digesting the possibility that US was willing to cooperate with India to have an extra source of energy/electricity without having earned anything in return. Our team dug deeper into the facts and found out the real deal behind the deal.

Faking News has discovered that India will not be getting nuclear energy for free or at concessional rates, but we would be paying a considerable price for it. According to the ‘real’ deal, US would provide us only that much nuclear fuel as much of bio-gas fuel they get in return from India.

Our special correspondent has got hold of this exclusive picture that clearly shows US President George W Bush (standing in left side of the photograph in blue shirt) inspecting a buffalo (also called biogas fuel generator) gifted to him by Prime Minister Manmohan Singh.

According to the deal, India will not only provide energy from biogas, but will also supply livestock to US to meet the requirement of raw materials. In fact, Indian companies would also construct biogas plants in various US states. Many claim that the total cost involved in accomplishing all the above tasks would prove to be much higher than the value of nuclear fuel India will get in return.

With this clandestine deal behind the nuclear deal coming to the fore, it has caused a major political controversy in India.

BJP claimed that their deepest fears have been proved to be right. Party leader Mr. Vinay Katiyar told, “UPA government is showing complete disrespect to sentiments of people of India. We Indians can never allow our cows to be sent across the border to USA. This is a conspiracy to demoralize Hindus.”

Congress has rubbished the claims of BJP. Congress leader and former Chief Minister of Madhya Pradesh Mr. Digvijay Singh explained, “BJP is spreading rumors. US don’t want cows from India as they are still afraid of mad cow disease. You can very well see in the picture that Prime Minister gifted a buffalo instead of a cow to US president. Congress has always cared for each section of the society; all cows are safe in the country.”

Left parties has declared a major demonstration against the central government on Friday and has ridiculed leaders like Lalu Yadav and Mulayam Singh Yadav who are supporting the government.

“These leaders, who have grown on cows and buffaloes, now owe an explanation to the people of country. They had refused to send genuine milk to China but why are they silent on government’s plan to send cows and buffaloes to USA? This is a complete surrender and we are not going to tolerate any more.” CPM leader Brinda Karat told Faking News.

Meanwhile US companies are designing special aircrafts to carry livestock from India when the deal becomes operational. A consultancy company headed by an NRI has been hired to provide technical and strategic inputs.

Agartala blasts coverage by national channels

This is no joke, this is no satire, this is no fake news. This is reality of today’s television media.

Today in the late evening, serial blasts rocked Agartala, capital of north eastern state of Tripura. Two people got killed and dozens got injured, some were in critical condition. The blasts, both in intensity and number of casualties, were very similar to the blast(s) that happened in Mehrauli area of Delhi last Saturday (on 27th September).

Now contrast the coverage and importance given to both the blasts by our ‘national’ television media. They flashed the news, called it breaking news (some rare times when they actually use the term wisely) and talked to their reporters (many of them don’t have reporters in Tripura and they appoint reporters just in Assam to cover whole of North East. Unfortunately for them, blast didn’t happen in Assam).

But they ran out of steam after an hour or so. Remember they were screaming on top of their voices for whole day when blast in Mehrauli had happened.

I can understand the national news channels’ ‘difficulties’ and ‘constraints’. As I put earlier, most of them don’t have full-time reporters in Agartala so were handicapped to get more information. Connectivity in north eastern states is not world-class so getting data and information becomes even more difficult. Maybe even government keeps a tight noose on media in those areas, I don’t know.

Clearly they didn’t have enough ammunition to ‘play up’ the news for hours and hours as they did when Mehrauli blast took place. Although sometimes I wonder that if they can play up a silly 2-minute video from YouTube about a lion and boar for almost half an hour news bulletin, what stops them to play up such news?

But this was not shocking. They have right to editorial discretion. And this discretion was shocking.

Around 10-11 PM (barely a couple of hours had passed since they first flashed the news of bomb blasts in Agartala), almost all of the so-called national news channels were flashing the following breaking news on their screen –

“Shahrukh Khan attends the premier of Abhishek Bachchan’s film Drona”

The news that there were no differences between Bachchan family and Khan family was so exciting for most of our national news channels that they forgot Agartala blasts. The grief was relegated to scrolling ticker in many of the channels and the stars had arrived on top.

I remember one of my friends telling me that an indignant girl from north eastern state had once asked some leading journalist in a seminar – ‘why do you put the news of rape of a girl in Delhi on front page of national edition, whereas when such cases happen in north east it never gets mentioned? Do our national journalists believe that the modesty of a girl from north east is lesser to that of a Delhi girl?”

Such questions must have again arisen in minds of people from north eastern states again today. Two lives of Delhi are more important to the country than those in Tripura? In fact, forget the lives of people, Shahrukh Khan and Bachchan family is more important than dying people in Tripura? Give me a break. And please give TRP a break.

Faking News team expresses its grief and dismay over blasts that took place in Tripura. Even though some of our fake news reports have even made fun of terrorists activities and situation, but we do believe strongly that this nuisance has to be done away with for good.

Bachchan family and Khan family might have no differences, but with each blast, the distance between a Srivastav family and Siddiqui family or between a Mishra family and Mirza family is growing. I hope one day our national television news channels would flash the breaking news of these families forgetting their differences and coming together.